#plus tbh I didn't even want a hamster my parents got her for me because they wanted me to feel obligated not to kill myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

featherymainffins · 5 months ago

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I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.

#I don't want to keep a snail as a pet because theyre kinda prone to shell injuries #and then they die. id be in a constant state of stress #i can't have tarantulas even though i really want to for the same reason - spiders molt and they can actually fuck up #and they fuck up kinda frequently. and if they fuck up they die #because they either tear off their organs in an attempt to free themselves or they essentially turn themselves to stone #or they suffocate. i know that I'd be extremely stressed every da #id be like 'what if it happens what if they fuck up molting i have to stand here on guard in case they start molting and mess up'#because sometimes if you're really fucking lucky you CAN manage to save them. but you have to #be there on time and you have to pray. because its much easier for you to kill them than save them #and i would never forgive myself for that #in general it's very stressful for me to keep pets who don't have very clear signals of joy and displeasure/pain because i #constantly worry about possibly taking bad care of them and them being unhappy #i loved my hamster but i did breathe a breath of relief when she died of old age because every day with her was just #so unbelievably stressful for me. i wouldn't help but be preoccupied with trying to figure out if i was doing something incorrectly #if i was a bad foster parent to her if she was content etc etc #she was a great hamster but the experience was very much 0/10 for me i would never own a hamster again #in the same vein i probably couldn't have a tarantula due to this as well.#plus tbh I didn't even want a hamster my parents got her for me because they wanted me to feel obligated not to kill myself #they said that if i killed myself they wouldn't care for her and she'd die so i had to stay alive.#a part of me knew they were bullshitting but it still freaked me out super hard and made me unimaginably anxious about #getting run over or anything happening to me and paradoxically that made me even more suicidal and depressed #didn't help that my mother didn't even believe in her own plan and accused me of planning to kill myself AND my hamster #she accused me of that several times. I've always had a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting animals so it #made me break down and self harm every time. obviously that made my mother even angrier and many a time it led to #her accusing me of being a danger to her and others #if she felt particularly hysterical she screamed i was just like my father and that she feared me as much as she had feared him #when he still had a gun. you can imagine how that made me feel considering i jsed to have nightly night terrors about my father #killing my mother.

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