#plus none of them really view themselves as heroes so it's funny in that way too

[veshialles]

you know what. it’s kind of lame maybe, but I finally came up with a group name for my fantasy book characters. From now on I’m gonna refer to them collectively as “Our Heroes” which is great since the cast does kind of rotate a bit every now and then, and KTR is supposed to be a series of fun/quirky adventure stories anyway, so why not get a little fun and cheesy with it?

[evilrubberducke]

IzuMina week Day 1- To Save an Emerald

Yeah, I’m a day late on this one. I blame the pandemic. On the plus side, this means you’re getting a double update from me today.

This is based on the day 1 prompt “Protection”

On a side note, I now have an actual EvilMuffinLord blog here on Tumblr. If you follow me for Mina content, you might want to switch your follow over to there. I’ll keep posting Mina stuff on this blog for the rest of IzuMina week, but after that I’ll switch over to the new one, and leave this for other fandoms/personal blogging.

Read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298604

Or on FF.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13530836/1/IzuMina-Week-2020

Mina stood in the center of her dorm room, decked out in her pajamas with her phone in hand, contemplating making the worst decision of her life. The number was already punched in, staring back at her from the screen as if to taunt her into going through with it. All she had to do was make the call.

She honestly couldn’t believe the circumstances that had brought her to this point. They were so outlandish that if she had read them in a book, she would have dismissed it immediately for being too unrealistic.

-

Just a few short months ago she had rocked up to UA, flushed with victory from completing the entrance exam. She’d done an absolutely awesome job, placing just high enough to land her in class 1A. The experience had been absolutely hellish, and she had spent the week afterward hoping against hope that her performance had been enough to sneak by.

Being able to parade her acceptance letter around had been entirely worth it though. No one could believe what an excellent job she had done in getting in, and she’d been insufferable in her victory for nearly a week afterwards. Her father and brother had deserved it too, the doubters.

Then her first actual day at UA had arrived, and hit Mina like a ton of bricks. It was an experience unlike any she had been through before. She had looked up photos and videos of the school beforehand, but it was so much different to actually stand on its grounds and look up at the towering main building. Sure, she’d seen it during the entrance exam, but she’d been far too preoccupied at the time to really take in the spectacle. Now she had the time to really be wowed, and she was taking full advantage.

The grounds were absolutely immaculate, the shrubbery perfectly trimmed and not a trace of trash to be seen anywhere. That was probably a side benefit of UA having a budget the size of a small prefecture. They could throw around money for a bit of spectacle.

That same spectacle had led to her meeting Izuku just before class had begun. She’d been in the midst of checking out a collage of famous UA alumni battling equally notorious villains, searching for anyone she knew, when he had crashed into her and sent them both sprawling.

Izuku had, predictably, apologized profusely for his mistake and offered to do anything to make it up to her. Mina had tried to brush it off as a simple mistake, but he had been so insistent that she had eventually agreed to let him buy her a drink. If he hadn’t been so awkward and oblivious about the whole affair, she might have thought he had engineered the whole encounter in order to hit on her.

To her surprise, she’d actually enjoyed talking to him while they sipped on their drinks. Once he had gotten over his initial awkwardness, he’d proven to be incredibly enthusiastic about getting into UA and training to be a hero. Mina had been delighted to learn that he was in the same class as her, giving her a head start on getting to know the students she’d be training with. He’d practically keeled over when she had offered to be his friend and exchange numbers, which had actually made her giggle a little bit. He reminded her of a puppy, so eager to please that he was tripping over himself as he did so.

The rest of the day hadn’t gone quite so well. Aizawa was exactly the kind of hardass that Mina hated, lording his power over the class for shits and giggles. She’d placed high enough that she didn’t have to worry about getting eliminated, but watching him berate the lower scoring students had really ground her gears.

Especially when it came to Izuku. It was obvious to everyone that he was trying his best, but Aizawa seemed to have latched onto him in particular as a target. It was hard for Mina to keep up a smile as she watched him spiral lower and lower throughout the day. 

Thankfully, he’d managed to stick it out in the end, and Aizawa had proved himself to be a hypocritical ass, calling himself a hero while lying and berating his students. Mina had to admit, seeing Izuku standing there with a broken finger while he smiled at Aizawa, flushed with victory had been awesome. She’d even cheered a bit, though not so loudly that she stood out from the crowd.

That moment of happiness for the boy, and the subsequent relief that he was staying in the class had stayed with her for the rest of the day, refusing to leave her alone. It was unlike her to get so attached so quickly to a person. Sure, she’d had friends in the past, and she had her family, but those relationships hadn’t felt quite like this. Maybe it was because Midoriya was so open and honest that she couldn’t imagine him having an ulterior motive in the slightest, and that made it all the easier to connect.

She’d made a few more friends in their class after that, commiserating with the rest of the girls over having to deal with Mineta’s perverse actions and cracking jokes with Kaminari, but none of them had come as easily as the first.

And then the day of the USJ incident had come, and Mina had been tested. She couldn’t hear what had been said in the main plaza, but she had been able to watch as Izuku came close to death at the hands of the Nomu, only to be saved at the last moment by All Might. As she watched the blond hero smash his way through the miscellaneous villains in an instant, Mina had noticed something. Before All Might’s arrival, she had taken a single step forward, towards the plaza. That had shocked her on a level she couldn’t even begin to describe. Her urge to protect the precious green boy had been so overwhelming that she had been willing to confront the League over it.

She couldn’t reconcile it. She’d never been like this before. She’d met plenty of sweet, friendly people over the years, and none of them had made her feel so fiercely protective, so possessive.

Try as she might to quiet them, Mina’s feelings had only grown stronger as time had gone on. She’d rooted for him in the sports festival, actually biting her nails during his battle with Todoroki, and when he had been injured during the attack on Hosu, she had rushed to his hospital room to check on him. 

It had earned her some funny looks, but being able to see that he was safe had been an incredible weight off of her chest. Sure, he was laid up in a hospital bed, covered with bandages, but injuries could always be fixed. His life, on the other hand, couldn’t be repaired.

It was then, staring at Izuku in his hospital bed, costume torn to shreds and stained with blood, that Mina knew this went beyond a simple friendship, or even just protective instincts. She cared for him, in a way that she hadn’t realized she was capable of. And she was going to protect him, no matter what it took.

She’d pitched it as a mutual exchange. He would help her study for the end of term exams, and in exchange she would help him expand his fighting style with some more varied moves. A friendly exchange. He leapt at the chance to be a better hero, and to get to know her better.

She’d been so caught up in celebrating the success of her own clever idea that she completely missed the blush that dusted his cheeks as he said the last part.

The two months before their final exams flew by faster than she would have thought possible. But then maybe that was because she had something to look forward to after school now, instead of just lessons and training. She had someone she cared about, someone she trusted, someone she could talk to about all the things she had never dared speak, not even to herself.

She’d told him about feeling helpless and frustrated about the world around her, the way the bullies always seemed to win no matter if their victims stood up for themselves or not. She told him about trying to stand up to the bullies herself, only to be punished by the teachers for being a disruption. She even told him about her desire to change things, to make a better system where no child would have to suffer for being born weak.

Maybe she had wanted to share all of that, to let the poison she had been carrying for so long out, or maybe she just wanted to ease her sense of guilt for Izuku’s injuries.

In exchange, he had told her about his childhood, about being one of the children crushed by the system. About watching his tormentor be praised for his skill and strength while Izuku was relegated to the class laughing stock. He told her about being labeled as Quirkless, since his Quirk had taken so long to come in. 

Mina noticed that he still slipped up sometimes and called himself Quirkless when he wasn’t paying close attention to his words, a fact that ripped at her heart. She couldn’t imagine being labeled like that for so long, or how he still had the strength to stand up after it all, to keep going, to keep having faith in the heroes who by all rights had failed him.

She knew he didn’t tell her everything, but she couldn’t really blame him either. After all, she had her own secrets, though they were getting harder to keep by the day.

She hadn’t bothered to hide her cheers during the final exams. Why should she? The entire class knew that they were friends at this point, though Hagakure liked to tease Mina about how much time she spent with Izuku. She didn’t think her cheers actually did anything, considering the viewing room was at least a mile from the testing site, but it still felt right to her. And in the end, Izuku had come out victorious, despite Bakugou doing his best to bring them both down.

And then Mina didn’t have any more time. Summer break was upon them, and their forthcoming training camp as well. She wasn’t supposed to go along, she was supposed to remain at UA taking makeup exams with the rest of the ‘dunce squad’. But Aizawa had pulled another of his ‘logical ruses’ and taken them all by surprise.

For Mina, however, it was more than a surprise. It was a source of worry that gnawed at her throughout the next day and into the weekend as their class prepared for the trip with a visit to the shopping mall. A visit that turned into an incident when Tomura turned up to threaten Izuku.

Mina had been paralyzed when she saw the hooded figure standing next to Izuku, hand around her friend’s (could she even still call him a friend?) throat. Her instincts had warred with her logical mind, fighting for dominance.

And yet again, her heart had won out. She had taken a single step towards ruin before she had even realized what she was doing. There hadn’t been an opportunity for a second step, though, before Tomura had walked away, leaving Izuku shaken but unharmed.

She had thought long and hard about what that step had meant that night. What it meant for her, what it meant for Izuku, for her class, for her teachers, for her family, for her future. And she had come to one, inescapable conclusion.

She wanted to stay at UA, to grow stronger along with the people who had become her friends. She wanted to make the world a better place, not by tearing down the system but by exemplifying what a hero should be. She wanted to stand in the light with everyone she cared about.

And she wanted to be able to tell Izuku about the feelings that she could no longer deny.

So Mina lifted her phone to her ear, and pressed the button that would forever change her world.

“This is Principal Nedzu,” a crisp voice answered after only a single ring, “To what do I owe the pleasure of this late night call, Miss Ashido?”

She looked to the photo that sat on her desk, slightly askew in its frame from when she had taken it out to stare at it earlier that evening. She and Izuku were smiling broadly, arms around each other’s shoulders as they celebrated Izuku perfecting his Full Cowling for battle. It was a reminder of how far they had come, and how far they still had left to go.

The League was a threat to him for as long as they existed, and Mina could no longer accept that. She had to take a stand, and do what she knew was right. For her classmates, for herself, and for Izuku.

“Because my birth name was Ashido. But for years, my name has been Mina Shiguraki, and I am a spy for the League of Villains.”

[exquisitley-obsessed]

The Three Women Of Durin - The Final Curtain Call (50)

MASTERLIST FOR THIS STORY

(not my gif)

Rosie, Thorin and Bilbo plummeted up the stairs of the nearest building, moving fast and far left with only hope that Frankie and Kili had made it to safe ground. When Thorin came to the realisation that nothing was following them, he slowed to a stop with the others following in suite. They stood for a moment, hunched over, clutching their lungs and various stitches as they listened carefully to any and all noise. Finally, after several prolonged seconds, someone spoke.

“What was that?” Bilbo gasped as he stood upright, wincing slightly as he did so.

“My best guess…a cannonball,” Thorin sighed, stretching out his right leg, shifting his weight onto the crumbling stone wall.

“Seriously?” Rosie huffed, “A cannonball?”

“Oh, do you not have those on earth?” Thorin asked, one hundred percent serious.

“No, no,” Rosie said hastily trying to cover up her growing smile, “Just cannonballs remind me of pirates and stuff, not really middle earth but-” Rosie could feel herself rambling, “That doesn’t matter now does it,” A pause as the three settled back down into their own thoughts, planning and scheming in their own ways, “What do we do now?” Rosie finally spoke up. Thorin opened his mouth to speak but before he could do so Bilbo had already got there first.

“Higher ground,” He said causing both Thorin and Rosie to turn to him with a little shock dancing in both of their features, this inevitably caused Bilbo to lose his voice a little, “I mean…that’s what you taught me…to do…in situations like this,” Bilbo continued, shifting is weight back and forth, for one of the bravest people Rosie had ever had the fortune of meeting, Bilbo sure did lose faith in himself far too easily. Thorin and Rosie shared a look.

“He’s right,” Thorin said, and so the small group began to climb the nearby stairwell. They moved in silence for a while, once again buried deep in their own little pits of ponderings till Rosie decided to speak her mind.

“Do you think Frankie and Kili are alright?” Rosie said softly, her voice reverberating gently down the spiralling stone.

“We can only hope,” Thorin replied, just as tenderly. A beat.

“Are you worried about them?” Bilbo asked from behind Rosie, his light footsteps the quietest of the three.

“Me?” Thorin asked turning around to peer at the hobbit who nodded in response, “Yes…well...I’m worried about everyone, it’s my duty to…and even if it wasn’t they’re my friends, family even,”

“Even me?” Rosie said jokingly, “And Frankie and…Cece?” She said, know finding the note of funny disappearing from her voice quicker than she would have liked it to. Thorin stopped abruptly on the stairwell almost causing Rosie and Bilbo to crash straight into his back. Slowly, he turned around.

“Rosie…” He said softly, his blue orbs looked at her delicately whilst he searched for the right thing to say. Rosie felt a breath hitch in her throat as he moved down a few steps to stand nearer to her, he was so close Rosie could feel the warm beating of his skin against her own. “You are…just as important to the company as anyone else…okay? I understand that in your situation you may think that, truly, deep down you don’t belong…but…to us, to me…you remind me more of a home than Erebor did when I first walked under its walls…” Thorin finally said. This particular statement caused Rosie’s eyes to widen.

“Thorin…how can you say that?” She spluttered out, shocked that he could even think a thing like that.

“It’s the truth, I will swear it on anything,” Thorin kindly smiled, the corners of his eyes creasing ever so slightly as he did so. “And you,” he looked over Rosie’s shoulder at the small hobbit, “You are…the bravest warrior I have ever had the pleasure of working with,” Bilbo shuffled his overly large feet from side to side, not quite making eye contact with anyone.

“I guess I…I’m not just a grocer then,” The smallest member of the company smiled up at his friend.

“No,” Thorin murmured in a quick breath, “No,” He said more surely, his smile never leaving his face, “You Bilbo, are a burglar…and a mighty honest one at that.” Silence settled calmly over the small stairwell as our three heroes stared at each other with sombre smiles splashed on their faces. And in this moment of peace, the late afternoon light began to settle, turning the bright white sun, pink, orange, purple and red, painting the sky and the land in a warm light. And in this moment, it truly did appear like everything was going to be okay. But of course, moments like these, don’t last forever. A piercing scream cut the silence like a knife, it was like none Rosie had ever heard before and the hobbit, dwarf, and girl were snapped out of their trances.

“Come on, the roof!” Rosie said, turning away from the sweet scene and racing once more up the stairs.

The three arrived at the roof, spilling out onto the sleeping rocks and quickly searching for any immediate signs of danger. When none presented themselves, their movements slowed until they eventually stopped at the very edge of the barren roof. They had a mighty view of the battlefield.

“Look,” Thorin said excitedly pointing to where armies met armies in a vicious and brutal contest.

“What?” Both Rosie and Bilbo said at the same time, searching for what Thorin could possibly be so excited about.

“Do you not see? The battle is ceasing…” He said softly, the corners of his lips being pulled upwards ever so slightly.

“So?” Bilbo trailed off.

“We’re winning,” Thorin added and Rosie and Bilbo understood.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Rosie said lightly, trying not to ruin the moment yet also trying to ground her friends “There are still some things we need to sort out before we start, you know, jumping for joy,” She tried to say cheerily, “And anyway, we still have to solve the question of, what was the thing that screamed a few seconds ago?”

As if on cue, another shriek pierced the air, followed by another, and another. The three warriors looked at each other, the same confusion decorated on all their faces. They listened some more to the raw and gargling screams until something dawned on Thorin.

“Those aren’t human…or dwarf…or elf screams….” He trailed off, “No,” He listened some more, “Those screams belong to orcs.” Bewilderment sparked inside Rosie and she stepped away from the view of the battle and turned face her surroundings.

“They're coming from the bridge,” She said suddenly, rushing to the far-right edge of the roof and peering down to a sight that was the last thing she expected to see.

“Oh my God,” Rosie gasped, suddenly feeling the presence of both Thorin and Bilbo next to her, “That’s Lord Elrond,” And Lord Elrond it was.

He was standing on what remained of the start of the bridge, his rose-gold armour shining like a beacon through the shadows as he swiftly beheaded three orcs with the flick of his wrist. But it gets better, Elrond didn’t come alone. Surrounding him were around one hundred plus elves bearing similar yet less noble armour to Elrond’s. They were all in the heat of battle with the gritty orcs, dotted everywhere and anywhere that Rosie could visibly see. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

“Elrond!” Rosie couldn’t help but cry out, a happy feeling swelling swiftly in her chest. Elrond casually slit the neck of a nearby orc before turning around in search of the recognisable voice he just heard. Then, he noticed a small body atop of the building ahead of him, waving their arms rapidly in the sky.

“Hello, Rosie!” He smiled up at the building, entrusting the elves surrounding him to protect him whilst he conversed with his friend. “I heard from a friend that you needed help, so I decided to deliver,” He said nonchalantly whilst killing a handful of orcs with the least effort you could possibly fathom. Rosie smiled practically unable to believe that this was really happening.

“Who’s the friend that tipped you off?” She shouted down after a moment, Elrond opened his mouth to speak but was quickly cut off by a voice that warmed Rosie’s heart to the very core.

“Why I do believe that would be me,” Gandalf’s rough yet soothing voice came from right below her. Rosie then swung herself right over the edge to look down at where Gandalf was stood at the base of the building, killing an orc here and there, clearly drained of energy from the battle he had just engaged in with Sauron. It was at this point where Rosie began to laugh until a thought dawned on her.

“Wait…Galadriel-”

“Is safe in Lothlórien,” Elrond said over the noise of battle, “Do not worry Rosie. I would not come if I was putting anyone or anything in danger, especially Lady Galadriel.” He smiled up at her before turning and re-joining the battle, the conversation over. Rosie turned to her friends.

“I guess we don’t have to worry about the army coming from the north anymore,” She smiled ecstatically.

“Now, now,” Thorin said, his smile quivering ever so slightly, “Remember what you said a few moments ago, there are still things we need to sort out,” Rosie’s smile disappeared and was replaced by a thoughtful demeanour.

“Right,” She said, “Yes…okay,” She thought for a moment before Bilbo spoke up.

“What…what exactly is left…to do I mean,” The Hobbit said in his soft voice. Rosie glanced at Thorin before turning to her smaller friend.

“Well, I guess Azog is our main priority,” She huffed thinking, “But to defeat him we need to go right back to the building where we left Fili and Cece,” Rosie thought aloud. There was another pause as the three thought, all of them trying to block out the gargling noises that radiated from below.

“Not necessarily,” Thorin said, his eyes fixed on a point over Rosie’s shoulder. Following her instinct, Rosie turned around and saw another sea of ice. A heavy mist hung low to the blue landscape, curling and coiling around its self in a way that reminded Rosie of a snake. She stared at it for a while, simply lost in the movement of the white wispy curls when she saw what Thorin was talking about. Slowly as the mist shifted a shadow began to form at the centre of the ice, it stood well over seven foot and was a still as the land it stood on. Chills were pulled like a string of metal beads down Rosie’s back. The mist was constantly moving and soon the shadow became more defined, black, blue and grey hues became visible, followed by different materials, metal, browning cloth and a blade the length of a familiar forearm. The name slipped as swiftly into all three minds. Azog.

“My God,” Rosie heard Bilbo mutter, but he seemed far away. This was not the first time Rosie had seen Azog, but this was the first time Rosie feared Azog. She knew now more than ever, at this point in time, what he was capable of. These past few months have been spent waiting for this single moment in time, days and nights of sitting with her two best friends planning, arranging and scheming how to change this moment, how to change a story that’s already been written.

And now Rosie stood, with the two heroes of a story she fell in love with long ago, trying to prepare herself for what was about to take place. She did this by concentrating on her breath, concentrating on the silence she found up here, away from the bloodbath below, away from it all, she concentrated on her goal and what she was willing to do to get to it. Closing her eyes, she drew one last breath, feeling it as it was drawn from between her teeth, hitting the back of her throat and filling her lungs with an icy air. The calm before the storm.

“Shall we?” Thorin asked to no one in particular as he moved forward, the question remained rhetorical and so Bilbo and Rosie followed. They slowly moved, taking their time to pick a path over the stone that connected the building they were on to the sea of ice. Whilst they were doing this Azog took no notice of them, standing on a body of water that very much matched the lining of his skin. Azog didn’t even turn to them when they took their first steps on the ice and submerged themselves in lungfuls of mist.

It was only when they stood before him in a line, Thorin in the middle, Rosie on the left and Bilbo on the right, bearing all they had in front of their greatest enemy, did Azog even move. He stood side on, allowing the three to draw in his immense muscle and might as he turned his head and looked down at the three. Rosie half expected him to start talking about the lovely winter they were having by his calm appearance, but unfortunately the funny of the situation was a light that had been doused long ago.

“You brought help,” Azog said calmly, his tongue only knowing the one hideous language.

“They chose to come,” Thorin responded quickly. Neither Bilbo nor Rosie understood what was being said, but they could grasp at strings. Azog gave Thorin a calm look, it was the first time Rosie had seen him as somewhat…human.

“This is not their fight,” Azog responded. A beat.

“Look around you,” Thorin said delicately, his voice barely audible, “All around us, there are people fighting, people dying…my people, your people. They are here today, to risk dying, because of us,” Azog’s face remained stony, “This is their fight as much as it is ours, the only difference between us and them is that at the end of the day, we’re responsible. For every life, for every limb and for every love that’s now gone, we’re responsible.” The small homily was left in the air for a moment. The reality of Thorin’s words, a harsh truth, and it appeared that only the noblest of those on the ice contemplated Thorin’s words. But just as a small peace seemed to be met, it was broken once more by the hand of Azog.

Before Rosie knew what was happening the ice she was standing on was shattered into multiple shards by the hands of Azog’s flail, the water that sat dormant underneath a layer of frost soon became alive and Rosie was now very much unsteady as she slowly floated away from her friends. As she tried to regain her balance on the slippery surface she managed to just see as Azog brought his flail down once more, clearly aiming for the body of Thorin, but Thorin was smaller and faster and dodged the spiked ball with little to no worry. Bilbo was closer to Azog than either Thorin or Rosie and to their surprise, actually managed to slash at Azog’s ankles with sting before diving onto the ice behind the beast and sliding to safety behind a stone.

Rosie took this distraction to look around her on how to get onto stable land. The ice she had been left standing on was no longer than 60cm and it was slowly breaking off into smaller and smaller pieces. Soon there would be nothing left. Looking around frantically she saw only water open to her but a few meters behind her was a rocky wall, the closest sign of land. Bending over she frantically propelled herself towards the wall, ignoring the freezing water that was now seeping into her socks. When she was close enough she reached out, searching for a foothold in the rock and when she found one she grabbed onto it tightly. After a moment of rapid breathing, Rosie swung her legs off the ice and onto the wall just as the ice cracked into two halves, which then proceeded to drift away from each other.

Rosie couldn’t look behind her now, if she didn’t pay much attention, she would end up in freezing water in armour that would surely drag her straight to the bottom. Slowly, step by step, grip by grip Rosie shuffled to left and gradually made her way to the ice that was still left intact, trying to block out the noises of a battle that was happening not so far away from her. The knowledge of what she was here to do burned hot on her neck and she felt her cheeks flare up. How can Thorin and Bilbo be over there, literally fighting for their lives whilst I’m over here, rock climbing? Rosie angrily thought as she grabbed onto another piece of black rock. Speed soon won over caution and Rosie was now racing across the wall, desperate to get on land ice and join in the fight. And it happened sooner than she thought.

As soon as Rosie was close enough she decided, fuck it, and jumped for it, landing on the ice with a hollow thud to only begin sliding out of control, spinning around and around and…right into the path of Azog. However, she grabbed control, well, Bilbo did, by literally grabbing her spinning body and dragging her body behind a rock just in time to hear metal meeting ice in the place where she had just been a few seconds ago. Rosie then heard the war cry of a familiar friend and peered over her shoulder just in time to see the blades of Thorin and Azog meet, Azog’s flail now teetering near the edge of the icy ledge, yet still within reach to grey beast. Rosie turned to Bilbo.

“Bilbo,” Rosie prodded her friend with haste.

“Yes?” He whispered back, still looking over the ragged rock at his friend.

“Azog’s…thing is over there, by the edge,” Rosie pointed to where Azog’s flail was, “You go and push it over the side,” Bilbo stopped looking at Thorin and slowly turned to his other friend with a look that could only be described as bewilderment.

“Are you…He’ll see me,” Bilbo said. Rosie settled backwards thinking hard before an idea dawned on her.

“Use your ring,” She said, taking a moment to look at the brave hobbit before her. Bilbo froze.

“How…” He began but she cut him off instantly.

“I told you many months ago, around your own dinner table, that I know this story inside and out,” She smiled softly at him, a comfortable silence softened between the two.

“Frankie…” Bilbo murmured, an odd yet dazed smile drawn on his lips. It was the last thing Rosie expected him to say.

“What about Frankie?

“She knew about the ring…in Mirkwood,” Bilbo trailed off. This squeezed Rosie’s heart painfully as a sea of memories was instantly washed over her. Recollections of being in the Mirkwood jails filled her mind, sitting in her cool jail cell, seeing her friends by flickering candlelight which painted moving shadows onto the walls 24/7, her and just about everyone thinking Thranduil was an ass, meeting Legolas and making a friend for life, being scared over not knowing where Frankie was. All of that seemed like a million years ago, another life, where the future still seemed so open to possibilities.

“Oh, come on Rosie, concentrate,” She muttered to herself, snapping back into reality before turning to Bilbo. “Well go on, do it,” She smiled at him and then peeked back at Thorin who was still battling in blades with Azog, probably wondering where his so-called friends had disappeared to.

Rosie then stood, slipping the blade she picked up in the troll’s cave out of its holder, the hobbit now absent from her side as she stared at a fight. A fight she was going to join. Standing up on top of the rock she made her presence known. But she didn’t have a plan, not this time.

“Hey!” She yelled, her voice the strongest she had ever heard it, Azog paused mid fight and turned to face her, without even registering who she was he had his teeth bared, snarling. This moment felt familiar and Rosie quickly put her finger on it, instantly being reminded of a blonde-haired friend, “Fuck you!” She shouted, trying not to grin so widely as she did so. Azog may not have understood what she said, but to be honest, it didn’t really matter. This small moment of weakness grabbed Azog’s attention long enough for Thorin to gain the higher ground.

Rosie gave Azog her best and brightest smile and Thorin lifted his elvish sword and pierced it through Azog’s back, Thorin them stumbled backwards, tiredness and fatigue becoming evident in his body language as his collapsed in a pile of heaving armour.

Azog’s glare contorted into raw agony. His eyes never left Rosie’s as a trembling, callous hand fumbled around his chest till it met the silver blade which protruded from it. Azog briefly looked down before looking back up, eyes once more meeting those of Rosie’s. It looked as though he was struggling to breathe and Rosie could hear broken air rattling around in what remained of his chest.

His eyes were wide and as his black blood spilt onto the white water, an innocence shrouded around his features and as Rosie stared down at him from her rock, she found that she did not feel any joy or relief from seeing the sight of Azog dying. Thorin’s speech rung around her mind, and she was reminded that Azog was a leader, a flawed one at that, but he only wanted what was best for his people, and in that case, was he really so different from Thorin? Azog stumbled towards Rosie, whilst slowly extending a hand coated in his own blood and Rosie was sickeningly reminded of a child taking their first steps, reaching for a parent. As his frail form moved closer and closer Rosie could feel her heart in her body beating faster, yet she also felt the overwhelming urge to cry. What was Azog going to do in his last moments?

Thorin and Rosie watched in confusion and wonder as he grabbed onto her. His single hand slick with blood from his own body. And Rosie found herself face to face with a being who was so much larger than her yet so vulnerable. He gripped her arm and stared deep into her eyes, searching for something, something to make this moment worth it, something to make this moment last. And in this moment so raw, Rosie wanted to give it to him…and oh, she did.

The feeling of a blade being pushed into your abdomen is probably one of the worst in the world. Rosie felt it from where she stood on her small podium, a pain like no other growing from her gut, right at where her armour joined, the only vulnerable place on her entire body and Azog had pierced it with his blade. As pain grew from her gut she watched as happiness grew in Azog’s eyes, an echo of a smile slipping onto his face. He found what he had been searching for. Rosie didn’t cry out, she didn’t scream, she didn’t even breathe, as for a while she wasn’t even sure what was happening was real as she stared into the pleased, blue orbs of her greatest enemy. But then, happiness, anger, want…all emotion from Azog’s eyes wisped away into a blank and vacant stare, and he teetered backwards, falling over with a dull thud, and consequently pulling the blade out of Rosie’s skin. And as Azog’s body landed with a dull thud, Rosie felt an agony like none she thought was humanly possible, shudder throughout her entire body.

Rosie’s body didn’t ache or groan, it screamed. The pain pounded through her skeleton over and over again, and it felt as though someone was trying to rip her insides out of her body as she stumbled off her stone, her legs barely moving in time to catch her. She could feel the blood spluttering out of her, dribbling down her leg, dibbing inside her thighs and pooling her shoes. Hastily she pushed her hands down on her abdomen and like a child, tried to push the crimson liquid back inside her body.

“Is Azog dead?” She heard Thorin say but his voice dissolved in the back of her mind as her head began to spin. “Rosie?” Who was talking? Was it Thorin or was she hearing voices? “Rosie,” This voice sounded clearer, it snapped her eyes open and she found Thorin’s familiar face staring at her with confusion. She could see he was holding her cheeks, but she couldn’t actually feel his hands on her face

“Thorin,” Rosie managed to get out, but her tongue felt too large for her mouth, “Thorin,” She tried saying again, but his name stuck in her throat and balled up until hot tears streaked down her cheeks. Thorin’s brows furrowed and all Rosie could do in response was openly weep in front of him as she crumpled like paper to the floor, her wound visible to all.

“Oh Rosie,” She heard Thorin say, and Rosie could hear him begin to cry before he even kneeled down next to her. This couldn’t be happening, this couldn’t be happening. All Rosie wanted, all she wanted was to save Thorin, but how could she have done that, when she couldn’t even save herself. As Rosie’s wound screamed, she did too, she cried, and she cried and she cried, because it hurt, God, it hurt.

“Rosie,” Thorin said as he held her, a sob escaping his tightly woven lips, but it was barely heard of the raw agony Rosie was experiencing right now, “Oh, Rosie Rosie,” He chanted softly as he felt his lungs clench. He was now sitting with Rosie’s coiled body in his arms, slowly rocking back and forth as her blood seeped over his hands…his clothes…him.

“My God,” Thorin heard Bilbo say from a meter in front of him, but Thorin couldn’t even begin to tear his eyes away from Rosie’s form. But it didn’t matter…none of it mattered. Winning the battle, reclaiming Erebor…surviving…none of it. He didn’t have Rosie.

“Is she…” Bilbo trailed off, his voice quivering as he looked at the ongoing scarlet puddle that surrounded the bodies of his two best friends. Thorin couldn’t respond. He couldn’t even bring himself to think the words and Rosie grabbed her side and gasped for air through her wrenching screams of pure pain, the only noise in complete and utter silence. Bilbo pushed a hand over his mouth as he turned away from the scene, not able to look without the feeling of throwing up, swelling from within. He turned around to find…no one, not a living creature was moving, not here, not on the battlefield, not anywhere. He shoved his other into the pit of his pocket and pushed down so hard the seams of his favourite trousers broke. The pain that he was feeling and the pain that he was witnessing was more than he could bear.

Pain soon became all Rosie knew. It rapidly consumed her body and soon, she wished for death. She wished for it to come and sweep her up in its arms and to just make it stop. But as the pain swelled her sobs subsided…she was going to die, for the second time in a few months, she was going to die. Rosie pushed down on the ice next to her damp cheek, her hand slipping as she attempted to roll over and face her friends, they saw her attempts and Bilbo collapsed on the floor, scooping up her shoulders and slowly manoeuvring her onto her back.

She lay there for a moment, simply drinking in the sight of two people she loved more than life itself as a dizziness caused her head to keep spinning and the sky to swirl into shapes that reminded her a Vincent Van Gough painting. It was a strange sensation, to feel energy pouring out of you like water, and for a few seconds Rosie thought she was home, sinking into her frothy mattress and snow-white pillowcases, tumbling down into a deep, deep sleep. But…she didn’t want to sleep.  Oh God, I don’t want to die. Thorin…Thorin needs to know, he needs to know that I don’t want to die, and Bilbo and…Frankie and Cece…Oh God.

“Hi,” Was all Rosie could end up getting out, her voice so quiet she thought no one could possibly hear her. But of course, Thorin did, he always would.

“Hi,” He spluttered back, his eyes glassy and his cheeks soaked. He had a cut on his left cheek and all Rosie wanted to do in that moment, was to reach out and graze her fingers across it, to feel Thorin right there, warm and alive under her fingertips. But when she called upon her arms, she found that she couldn’t feel them anymore. The urge to cry grew stronger.

“I think I’m dying,” Rosie found herself saying to no one in particular. Thorin’s lips stretched across his cheeks in a grimace as he tried to not sob aloud.

“Yeah,” Thorin eventually managed to get out. Silence. Rosie dreamily looked up at the sky, eagles the size of clouds were currently swirling in a sky streaked with the warmest colours Rosie had ever seen. She watched them for a moment, she watched how they moved and how blessed she felt to even see this moment. A thought dawned on her that spilt out of her lips before she could stop it.

“I don’t want to die.”

Thorin tipped his head back, covering his eyes with a red-stained hand before bringing his head back down and covering his mouth, stifling his sobs. Bilbo once again looked away, not able to bear that the scene before him was real, this was happening, and he couldn’t change it. “Oh my God…I don’t want to die,” Rosie said again, her voice hoarse and broken. “I don’t want to die…I don’t want to die!” She chanted to herself as more hot tears managed to dribble out of her eyes and into her ears. How could it be possible for three bodies to share so much pain?

“Thorin,” Rosie gasped desperately, forcing the king to stare deep into her eyes. They paused for a moment in, simply drinking up as much as they could of each other before the inevitable timer ran out.

“Thorin…you make me happy,” She said, shaking her head slightly as she smiled through her tears, “This place…makes me so happy,” She sobbed. “The company…I love the company more than I thought I ever could. You…you taught me about courage, friendship and how to sing rude songs in Khudzul and, all that other stuff,” A flicker of a smile made its way onto her face. “You guys are my family and I love, I love you so much.

“Thorin…before you were, talking about responsibility. Thorin, look at me,” She said and Thorin’s quiet crying paused as he looked down on the face of a girl who was fighting so hard to simply stay alive for a little longer, “Thorin, you are not responsible for my death…okay?” Thorin’s eyes creased as he attempted to smile, “You too Bilbo,” Rosie glanced at the friendly hobbit who had been the one to teach her to knit but a few weeks ago, “No one is…well, I guess Azog is a little bit.” Rosie managed a smile, “But the two of you…not responsible! You hear me? I mean you can’t be! I’m already dead! She wanted to laugh, she wanted to cry, she wanted to feel so many emotions one more time before she stopped feeling altogether.

“Rosie…” Thorin began, but even in her last moments Rosie still managed to cut Thorin off.

“No Thorin it’s okay,” Rosie smiled at him, an honest and pure smile, “I’m not scared of dying, I mean…the second time has got to be easier than the first,” She paused, she wanted to hear Thorin laugh, she wanted him to call her ‘silly’ and a ‘stupid girl’ for wasting her final moments on making jokes. But he didn’t, he simply looked at her, taking everything about her in, whilst barely drawing a breath. Rosie continued.

“Tell Frankie and Cece…” Rosie felt a bubble of a sob squeeze in her throat so hard that she couldn’t continue, but she quickly regained what little composure she had left and carried on, “Tell them, I love them…and that they cannot possibly fathom how much I love them,” Rosie paused as she glanced at the sky where the birds were still swirling, “Actually…tell the whole company that…because it’s true, it’s really true,” Silence settled and the last of Rosie’s tears made their way to the ice.

“Now what?” Rosie looked from Thorin to Bilbo and back again. Rosie thought of middle earth. Rosie thought of home. Rosie thought of the friends she grew up with and the friends who had let her grow, and Rosie smiled.

“Now…I’m going to lie here. I’m going to watch the birds, watch how the dance in a sky that reminds me of the colour of the fruit bowl in Bilbo’s dining room, I’m going to watch, and I’m going to wait, till I too will be up there…but Thorin,”

“Yes, Rosanna Parker,” A smile quivered on Rosie’s lips.

“I thought I told you never to call me that again...Thorin, I hope you know, that the only life worth living…was the one I was going to have with you,” Thorin found that he couldn’t respond. He had nothing to say. He merely placed his hand inside of hers and touched his lips against her forehead and then tried to quieten his sobs as Rosie’s turned to face the heavens.

And Rosie looked up at the sky that reminded her of Bilbo’s fruit bowls. And she thought of everything she had, and she thought of everything she was grateful for, and she was happy.

 Rosanna Parker died happy, and that’s what she would have wanted everyone to know. From her mother and her father and the small house they shared back on earth, to each and every member of the company and the mountain they shared in middle earth. She died in the comfort of the knowledge that she had much to live for, and therefore would be leaving a life well loved. And she thought this, as her body slowly slipped into a state of lifelessness, her head lolling limply onto Thorin’s lap, her shoulders falling still as her sobs were finally put to rest.

But, if you looked carefully, you could see that her eyes were still slightly creased at the corners and the remains of an honest smile could still be found on her rosy lips.

TAG LIST: @britney8793

[atypicality]

Edye, Kira, Clovette, Vix, and Rufion

Edye

Full Name: okay so none of my OCs have last names,, embarrassing i know. he’s named after a neopet as that’s how i formed his character (this is progressively getting more embarrassing). his name is pronounced “eddie,” and an interesting fact about his name is that the part “dye” (pronounced “die”) is a nickname for dionysus, a god that has definitely influenced his character.

Gender and Sexuality: male, he’s bisexual

Pronouns: he/him

Ethnicity/Species: he’s latino and he’s human(??)

Birthplace and Birthdate: i literally have no idea (i feel like i should look into astrology and choose his birthday according to his personality…he’s probably a leo or a gemini and he was clearly born somewhere in latin america. i was thinking ecuador but i’m biased bc i lived there lmao),, he’s 22 though

Guilty Pleasures: reality t.v. and romcoms

Phobias: (i’m not putting the names of each phobia bc no one knows what that means) emotional intimacy, being buried alive, and abandonment

What They Would Be Famous For: i could see him being an actor with a horrible reputation

What They Would Get Arrested For: anything ranging from drug dealing to kidnapping (he was supposed to return vera to the shadow realm, for example). i wouldn’t put much past him

OC You Ship Them With: aliah and rufion (i like him with vera platonically)

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: nora bc she has to deal with his bullshit

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: action and comedy

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: pointless sacrifices. they died, dammit! let that count for something!

Talents and/or Powers: he’s an illusionist, meaning he can warp reality (or one’s perception of reality) and trick people. he can also make portals and fly/hover to some extent.

Why Someone Might Love Them: he’s a party animal and he’s fun to be around. he’s also pretty loyal to the people he cares about.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: he’s a no strings attached kind of person. he can be very apathetic and insensitive.

How They Change: he goes from being a villain to being the sidekick of the MC (vera),, i’m so proud of him

Why You Love Them: he’s the classic asshole/misunderstood bad boy turned good…he’s a huge loser that accidentally became cursed and now has a cult following and he’s just hilarious to think about.

here’s a mix i made for him

and his three shipping mixes lmao (aliah)(rufion)(vera)

here’s the cult mix if you want to listen to that  😂😂😂

alsoo i have a sidekick mix

and i’m literally developing two more for him (villain / hero arc, respectively)

can you tell that he’s my favorite

Kira

Full Name: just kira (hi, just. i’m nina)

Gender and Sexuality: female, heterosexual

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: she’s mixed: japanese and black. she’s a human

Birthplace and Birthdate: she was born in japan (city whomst) and she’s 27. probably a gemini or a scorpio

Guilty Pleasures: chocolate/sweets in general and creeping on social media if that counts

Phobias: she suffers from body dysmorphic disorder and suffers from fears that accompany that, such as not being good enough, etc. she also hates bugs, especially spiders.

What They Would Be Famous For: despite her bdd, she’d definitely become famous for being a beauty vlogger/youtuber. her ‘mask’ (aka whatever it is people with bdd do to help themselves cope with their body’s appearance/perceived flaw) would be makeup and she uses her powers to give herself the illusion that she’s someone else (in terms of appearance, if that makes any sense).

What They Would Get Arrested For: shoplifting (idk if you can be arrested for this but it’s the only thing she would do)

OC You Ship Them With: will a lil bit tbh. they’re the mom-dad pair

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: no one lmao

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: romcoms and horror

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: white people doing stupid things in horror movies, the most aggravating definitely being having sex/making out while danger is imminent

Talents and/or Powers: she’s an illusionist and can make portals like edye. she’s also a makeup artist

Why Someone Might Love Them: she’s super sweet and a good listener.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: people misinterpret her as shallow

How They Change: she betrays the Good Guys for her benefit but is forgiven. she also seeks help for her bdd and stops using her powers to alter her appearance (her makeup still serves as a mask though, her insecurities and anxiety don’t disappear overnight)

Why You Love Them: her struggle with self-love is so heartbreaking and she’s so strong and admirable.

Clovette

Full Name: clovette. some people call her clover. she’s also a neopet.

Gender and Sexuality: female, pansexual

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: she’s asian and a human

Birthplace and Birthdate: she was born somewhere in southeast asia. she’s 20 and probably an aquarius

Guilty Pleasures: sleeping in and staying home all day

Phobias: she has a fear of flying and the ocean. she suffers from social anxiety and is afraid of large crowds.

What They Would Be Famous For: she’d be a kickass video game developer

What They Would Get Arrested For: probably doing something illegal online (piracy maybe?)

OC You Ship Them With: maybe with nora

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: no one!!!

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: science fiction and fantasy

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: white savior trope

Talents and/or Powers: she doesn’t have any powers but she’s great at coding and game design and she’s a talented artist.

Why Someone Might Love Them: she’s really funny when you get to know her.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: she comes off as judgmental but she’s really not

How They Change: she’s initially scared of travelling from her island (boats? Horrifying. airplanes? Terrifying.) but then she’s forced to move and has to face that fear plus the fear that comes when you don’t know anyone and have to form new relationships.

Why You Love Them: she has so much potential for growth and she’s so cute and inspiring

Vix

Full Name: i have to pick out a really basic white girl name for her but she goes by vix and vixen is her villain name (edye doesn’t deserve a villain name).

Gender and Sexuality: female, heterosexual but the kind of straight girl that will kiss other girls for male attention.

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: she’s white and a human

Birthplace and Birthdate: she was born in paris, she’s 21, and she’s probably a pisces.

Guilty Pleasures: kissing girls uwu, eating way too many tubs of cookie dough ice cream, and erotica.

Phobias: she’s scared of birds and the deep sea. she’ll enjoy going to the beach but she won’t go in the water because then she thinks of sea monsters and other unknown terrors hidden in the unexplored ocean. she’ll go to a pool, though.

What They Would Be Famous For: she’d be an actress or a journalist

What They Would Get Arrested For: robbery, possibly arson

OC You Ship Them With: no one

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: edye

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: film noir and slasher films/thrillers

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: love triangles

Talents and/or Powers: she uses love magic and mental manipulation.

Why Someone Might Love Them: she’s clever and really determined.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: she’s a bitch.

How They Change: she’s initially shy, awkward, trying to make her way through life. then she falls in love with someone (*coughs* edye *coughs*) and gives herself a makeover. she goes from innocent civilian investigating something to villainess and cult leader. 10/10 transformation

Why You Love Them: i don’t lmao. i like that she fits the femme fatale archetype. she’s a really interesting character. she also unironically calls herself vixen, so there’s that.

here’s her mix

Rufion

Full Name: rufion (pronounced rough-ee-an). he’s also a neopet (he looks so ugly rn because he’s my lab rat).

Gender and Sexuality: male, homosexual

Pronouns: he/him and they/them

Ethnicity/Species: honestly i have not thought about where he’s from at all but he’s brown (we love ethnically ambiguous characters in this house! /s). he’s a human.

Birthplace and Birthdate: [me seeing birthplace: owo what’s this?] he’s 23 and he’s probably a capricorn.

Guilty Pleasures: does ordering a lot of takeout food count? he stays up all night playing video games and loves reading comic books. he also really likes baking sweets (he’d probably be a really good cook but tbh he’s too lazy)

Phobias: he’s scared he’s going to die in his sleep and stays up all night as a result. if someone told him the effects of lack of sleep on his health he would definitely panic

What They Would Be Famous For: he would definitely be in a band. fuck

What They Would Get Arrested For: He Would Never Be Arrested. Next 

OC You Ship Them With: edye

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: vix

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: he doesn’t really like watching tv/movies but superhero films

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: bury your gays

Talents and/or Powers: he’s good at fighting.

Why Someone Might Love Them: he’s really nice, super optimistic, and honest. he’s hard working and responsible. he’s a huge nerd basically

Why Someone Might Hate Them: people might view him as naive and annoying.

How They Change: he’s a sort of private investigator but then he takes a…peculiar case and then………………..he catches feelings lmfao. there’s definitely some side-switching/ambiguity in his future

Why You Love Them: he’s just trying his best honestly. idk how to articulate it but he’s kind of like xD as a human being.

[nothingneverforever]

Yesterday (2019)

When I’d just seen the trailers and promo stuff for Yesterday, there was some great excitement in me. I loved The Beatles years ago, I mean, I really really loved them, I’ve got about 15 books on them, borrowed my mom’s credit card to shop online for DVDs of all their original movies when I was 14, etc etc, so Yesterday’s premise added up and seemed to look like something I’d enjoy: Danny Boyle, mysterious ultra-niche alternate reality in an otherwise utterly regular world, some kind of deadpan irony about the whole situation…

Then it came and went in cinemas and I never got down to seeing it. So I watched instead this film review by DazzReviews on Youtube, titled “Yesterday Missed A MASSIVE OPPORTUNITY (SPOILERS)”.  It’s a short and simple analysis of key weaknesses of the film, being that its actual contents greatly pale in comparison to its great potential. Even without watching the film, I understood Dazz’s gripe because even seeing snippets of the film bored me. It is such a unique, and almost cute idea afterall: a blackout causing selective loss of memory in every single individual in this world (save for 3, later to be discussed) where post-blackout, The Beatles and other cultural/social phenomenon do not and have never existed. Our protagonist, who pre-blackout was a struggling singer/songwriter, then decides to release Beatles songs from his memory as his own, thus gaining global popularity and attracting immense adoration. It’s not novel, perhaps reminiscent of time-travel narratives idk, but it’s still fun right?  

Yet even after watching this review video and understanding the film’s flaws and being able to imagine how disappointing the film would have been, watching it in full for myself was still an upsetting experience. Google tells me that Yesterday is of the ‘Drama/Fantasy’ genre, which gives me a good starting point for my critique: how utterly un-fantastical it is.

Our protagonist Jack Malik is LITERALLY the most vanilla, ungrateful, boring, not-alive, nothing-at-all, annoying, pathetically male (in terms of tantrum-throwing and ingratitude) character I have ever seen. None of this is hyperbolic, his character literally sucks so freakin much omfg, absolutely devoid of any redeeming or even remotely INTERESTING qualities at all. In fact save for maybe one scene (which I will talk about below), I don’t think there was another single second in the entire film where we saw him smiling. This is not to say that he’s portrayed as especially tortured or depressed in demeanor, merely to indicate his absolute dearth of warmth and personality.

Meanwhile, it becomes clear as the boring film progresses boringly that Yesterday is in fact nothing more than a love story. The cute Beatles twist is merely a device to show us how Jack and his “love interest” Ellie (inverted commas cos their love sucks omfg I cant imagine that ANYONE viewing it is convinced) were in fact meant to be, with Jack’s momentary superstardom existing to show him that all he ever wanted was his old life, the one with Ellie (even though they were never together because THEY ARENT EVEN MEANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE OKAY….). But, just as Jack’s character itself is flawed and awfully written, our female protagonist Ellie is SOOOOOO early 2000s. Just think of the most typical stock supportive, sweet, pretty, unfailingly kind and patient female whose presence is taken for granted etc etc… So her stock sweetie pie female character coupled with the most unbelievably charmless and unlikable male character make for the most unshippable couple you could possibly imagine. We are supposed to be charmed by her obvious-to-everyone-except-him love for Jack, supposed to have our heartstrings tugged by the singular scene of teenage schoolgirl her standing by the wings of the stage with hearts in her eyes while teenage schoolboy him sings a most soulless rendition of Wonderwall but it literally does absolutely nothing. The means has not met the end! This is a grossly uninspiring love story and there is no fantasy whatsoever!!

Honestly how is this even a Danny Boyle product? But then again… Zhang Yimou, boasting the incredibly genius Raise the Red Lantern (1992) on his resume, also did The Great Wall (2016) so I guess even heroes have the right to bleed or even the best fall down sometimes or something. OMG WAIT  I just googled the film again and not only is it directed by Danny Boyle but also written by Richard Curtis LOL wtfffffffffff okay this is the worst film ever seriously

Early on just after the global blackout thing, before Jack becomes the huge superstar that he does after his music (“his” music) is released into the world, when he first decides to use the songs of The Beatles, he is cajoled by his parents into performing for them in their humble living room. (by the way his parents are played by Sanjeev Bhaskar and Meera Syal who I have LITERALLY seen in about 1000 British TV shows and movies by now… idk maybe Yesterday was intended as a semi-ensemble cast film? Since there are other “appearances” by other known faces… ok whatever.) I guess this scene of him, superstar-to-be, sitting down at his piano in the claustrophobic living room with his parents exaggerating their domestic inclinations and comforts (by holding their cups of tea and settling themselves into their sofa-chairs etc) is meant to be comedic, we’re meant to laugh at how his parents have no idea the genius that is about to be released unto the stratosphere embodied by their all-great son Jack Malik, and it’s a predictable scene: his parents get disturbed by the bell and other things in the first 10 seconds of his performance, so Jack has to begin Let It Be 4 times over and never gets past a few lines… and okay, it’s funny because they are treating Jack’s “performance” as such because he has never before produced anything worthy of actual attention and has never performed in any manner that has demanded any respect given that he was an absolutely mediocre singer, but the scene is ruined by how Jack was written to have to react. Instead of taking it in his stride and recognizing that his parents are taking it so lightly because they have no idea how big the song is going to be because they have had no reason to expect anything great of him before, Jack throws a big fucking tantrum and asks why they cannot and have not respected the greatest song to ever be written etc etc… and okay, maybe this was intentional because we are to infer that Jack’s reaction is a projection of his own insecurities about releasing entirely unoriginal songs as his own, perhaps he has doubts about whether they would do as well as they did when The Beatles themselves released them, perhaps he has doubts that he is the right person to do this at all, anxieties and fears about being able to get away with it all… Sure, but I don’t want to give the writers the benefit of this doubt. If I were to watch the scene with my eyes and ears and not my brain, all I’d see is a dumbass manchild with a temper and ego problem incapable of accepting responsibility for the decisions he’s made, plus being unnecessarily cruel and disrespectful to his simple parents who want only to support him, if superficially. Basically, he’s dumb and the worst protagonist you’d want for a romcom.

But let it not be said that I am an extremist with my views: there was one sub-plot that showed promise and that made me think perhaps there was more to this film than the nothingness it had conveyed hitherto. When Jack played in Moscow, as an opening act for Ed Sheeran, we saw the haunting face of a large man in the crowd, carrying a knowing look in his eyes. It gave us a great sense of unease, seeing his concerned face contrasted with the throng of pretty girls screaming their hearts out (you know, à la “Moscow girls make me sing and shout”). Then later we see an English lady (played by the iconic amazing Sarah Lancashire who I know and love so so much from Happy Valley), who like the Russian man, carries the same speculation in her sharp eyes, as she sees Jack manically making his way through Liverpool, visiting key landmarks like Eleanor Rigby’s grave, Strawberry Fields, Penny Lane etc because, as she says to him later, “you cant write songs about places you’ve never been to”. So anyway, this odd pairing make up the only 2 other known humans in the world who for unexplained reasons also remember the existence of The Beatles, and thus recognize that Jack’s positioning of the entire Beatles discography as his own original work to be fraudulent.

So we as audiences who hardly care for this dumbass Jack but have still held on to some hope that the film would bring us some element of surprise and karma for this annoying fraud (whose singing voice by the way is literally the most forgettable ever), we would have loved nothing more than for Jack to face the sound of music (as Mother Mary comes to him). But instead of, I dunno, chopping his head off or outing him to the world, the mysterious duo thank him for bringing their much beloved Beatles songs back into the world, the whole who has forgotten them. They thank him for doing justice to the memory of the greatest band of all time, and together the duo and Jack dance and cheer in a side room minutes before Jack goes out to perform for the biggest crowd he’s ever played to. It’s just…  lame and not even a satisfying easy way out. Oh remember above when i said there was literally only about one scene of Jack smiling, this was it. And he only smiled because obviously he was relieved at not having his secret revealed to the world by these two..... ughhh WE DONT WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY!! WE HATE U!!

Okay haha I shall end this as I do all my other ‘reviews’… by saying that I’m lazy already and cant really be bothered to continue but shall conclude by proclaiming that this film sucked… not in a remotely camp or quiet or interesting manner either. It was just boring and bad and of great disrespect to the music of The Beatles.

 -------------------

Omg I have just attempted to read some actual reviews of this film and some actually think it’s ‘charming’ and ‘surprisingly moving’ and that the leads have ‘chemistry’………….. that’s literally the fakest thing I’ve ever heard lol bye bye!