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ateeztories · 4 years ago

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If I Need You I’ll See You In My Dreams. (FULL: so far) word count: 11k+

Angst, Fluff, “Coming of age”

Very Easy Read.

Seonghwa, Wooyoung, y/n imagine.

*AU where Wooyoung never followed Yeosang to KQ. That, however, does not mean they are any lesser friends with each other.*

To anyone who’s reading this, I just wanted to say that this is the first time I’m writing anything creative or anything at all so feel free to give any feedback/criticism. I would certainly appreciate it. Thank you~ so long peeps.

Song recommendation: End by Jeremy Zucker

While reading i’d recommend listening to “Friend A” from Shgatsu Wa Kimi No Uso (Your Lie In April) maybe on a loop O_o

Pilot: Dreams

Seonghwa… You wanted to see him, one last time.

That day, you kissed your boyfriend Wooyoung goodbye at the airport and left him behind in Korea. He kissed you back.

He loved you, and you loved him. Wooyoung, he was the sweetest and the kindest person. He was your person.

He has work to worry about. You were going to miss him so much. Miss his bear hugs and all the other kinds, but you weren’t sad that he wasn’t coming. Only because you had your beloved friend Ji Yeon coming along. She had been with you through your middle school, high school and even ended up going to the same college. She was there for you through thick and thin. You and Ji Yeon were actually, best friends forever. The kind you read in stories and it astounded both of you.

It has been a week since you landed in Canada, there were things to see and to wonder about. You didn’t like to go to crowded places. You just wanted to enjoy the virtue of things that were unappreciated by the people. Go to places no one has ever been to.

That was something you both had in common.

It was Ji Yeon that “introduced” you to the group Ateez. She knew what it meant to you, but she was stubborn and did it anyway. Still, that was ages ago. College was taking over all your time and energy.

This was the break you needed.

You had long forgotten about them. You forgot about him.

...

“Can you believe this??” Ji Yeon Screamed while plopping down on the bed.

“this is the weirdest coincidence ever”

“We should go see it!!!!”

“The concert is in THREE days!!”

All the suppressed memories rolling inside of your mind; all the while Ji Yeon’s voice turns in to mumbled white noises.

“let’s go then,”

you said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

As if you didn’t feel a thing.

Seonghwa… You wanted to see him... From afar. For the last time.

For the last time and never again.

Part 2: Wanna Go Back

“I said I’ll go,”

you said without a drop of emotion displaying on your face. Unlike your heart and mind that was going bat-shit crazy right then.

“Awesome!! I just booked two tickets” Ji Yeon replied. Trying not to sound more suspicious than she already appears to be. You didn’t bother to question her intentions because that was simply none of your concerns at the moment.

Plus she would never do anything to hurt you. Ever.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

It has already been three days since Ji Yeon asked about the concert. You have been trying to contact Wooyoung. Even though, because of of the time difference and his work schedule, it never worked out. The calls were full of Hello’s and farewells. You missed him more than anything.

But now it was just another one of your ever-growing worries.

...

It’s today,

The thought of seeing his face in person never left your mind. It makes your heart feel some sort of way.

The way it feels to walk into a flaming pit of fire.

The way you feel at the drop of a roller coaster.

The way you feel when you see the person you once loved so dearly.

These thoughts made you feel guilty. It made you feel like a bad person.

“If Wooyoung knew what was going through my mind right now, what would he think of me?”

There was nothing you could do besides getting past those thoughts.

You felt all sorts of emotions as you walked into the concert hall.

“What are the chances that Ateez goes on tour here, at the same time we come to Canada??” Ji Yeon said.

“Ya… no shit”

Noticeably, you weren’t feeling it. you just wanted to get over it. You needed closure, and a part of you hated that feeling. Ji Yeon was no stranger to your mood swings. She caught on quite fast. Faster than you thought. Three days faster.

Somehow she knew what she was doing. Except, she didn’t know the whole story.

You walked through big brown doors into a seemingly small venue. You saw fan-girls falling into line behind the barricade like a bunch of tiny colonized ants. They bumped into your shoulder, passing you by as you walked among them, step by step. You looked around scanning the venue, while clinging to Ji Yeon.

“Maybe we should just go back,” you said with the least bit of persuasion.

“Are you kidding me? those tickets were NOT free” Ji Yeon said with a face that only you could decipher.

You knew there was going back.

The venue became full, there was no chance for him to see your face. Even if he did, there was no way he would recognize you. It’s been too long since he last saw you.

Eventually and gradually, the stage became brighter as the audience became darker. This assured you, he wasn’t seeing you today.

Ateez members entered the stage one after another.

You saw his silhouette.

His tall figure that was impossible to forget. You saw his face, he looked different. Different from the face that was buried in your memories.

The music began to play and the performance started. The crowd went wild while you stared blindly onto the stage… standing still, wondering what you went there to do that day. You questioned your intentions in the midst of being unable to look away from his direction.

You eyes flickering at the thought of getting closure

“What closure?”

“How is this closure?”

You thought, staring at his face full of demeanor.

You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. you took it out slowly looking down, though your eyes could not leave the stage. You wearily look at your phone.

“Wooyoung!!!”

Your face lit up, eyes shimmered. This was the first time you were able to reach him in three days. You unintentionally jumped up and down in excitement.

You forgot all your worries and unwanted feelings.

You signaled Ji Yeon and she was telling you to get out and take the call.

The song, Utopia, was coming to an end. The members stood on the stage when Jongho approached them while singing the last verse. It was a beautiful piece of art deserving of endless admiration.

Fan chants were echoing throughout the entire room: “Kim Hongjoong! Park Seonghwa! Jeong Yunho! Kang Yeosang! Choi San! Song Mingi! Choi Jongho! Lee Junyeong!!!”

As you were moving across the crowd making your way out, you looked at the stage for the last time. There he was… looking like the same old person that you knew. Head tilted up and with his eyes closed. His black hair wet with sweat that dripped down his chin and onto his shirt.

Still, you hated him for what he did.

You have Wooyoung now.

He is waiting for you to answer. He is waiting for you. You looked away and pushed your way out through the crowd. Went out of the nearest door which led you outside. It was dark, the street lights flickered and they were stable at the same time.

Not one single soul to be seen.

The door closed behind you as you answered the phone in a haste. “Wooyoung I miss-”

“Let’s break up”

…

Frozen.

Unable to take another step.

How to react?

“Woo- Wooyoung?”

your voice, weak, surprised and baffled in disbelief.

You can still hear noises from the inside. muffled screaming of the fans.

The music has ended.

There was silence and everything else.

“How to turn back time?”

Where did it all go wrong?“

"Why?”

Part 3: Your Lie

"Wooyoung I miss-“

"Let’s break up”

…

Frozen.

People say your body freezes when you don’t know what to do.

“Should I fight this?” …

“Should I just run away?”

When he said those words… You just froze.

Unable to take another step

“How do I react?” You think.

Think, and there is nothing.

Your mind is empty, exhausted and deluded.

Legs giving out, your body crumbles onto the ground as you sit on the pavement of the building, your knees nearly touching your chest.

Your mind completely disregards the sound of the door behind, opening and closing.

You finally find the strength to say the words lingering at the tip of your tongue.

“What do you mean you want to break up?”

“Why?”

“Why now?”

“Just tell me what is going on, we can figure this out together.”

Silence… Stillness.

You can hear Wooyoung’s breath. You can hear his longing sighs. His voice stutterers to break this ominous silence.

You could finally hear his voice loud and clear.

“I think you already know y/n.” His voice almost sounds drunk.

“There is nothing to figure out.” Has he been crying?

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” You respond.

“Wooyoung please…”

“Please… can you just wait until I reach Korea”

“I’m going to book the first flight tomorrow”

“Just hold on one more day”

“Please,” You sounded hopeless and desperate.

The silence of the surrounding creates goosebumps all over your exposed skin. The cold freezing winds making you sink into your own body. You are sniffing, your breath is shivering, and it is not because of the freezing winds. In the verge of tears, a lump in your throat. Your heart is beating so fast to the point you almost want to throw up at the thought of being without him.

You could hear footsteps behind you. You could see in the corner of your eyes, a tall shadow of a person. At this moment, you don’t care. Nothing matters as the only beautiful thing in your life slips away from your fingertips.

The tall figure gently walked to the side of you and stopped at the edge of the pavement. You didn’t look up at his face. You thought it was just a person coming out to get a breath of “fresh” air, a break from the chaos that is inside. Air that has now been polluted by the thoughts in your mind. He sat down beside you in a peaceful manner. Oddly enough, you weren’t scared of the stranger sitting beside you. All you could think about was Wooyoung.

Though it felt familiar.

You were now curious, this stranger that carries a homely scent, an intimate familiarity. You lookup slowly… Upon his direction… All the while holding Wooyoung on the other side of the phone… You look.

He was looking at the distant empty roads across the parking lot. Your eyes grew wider.

It’s Seonghwa… Park Seonghwa!

At that instant, Wooyoung’s voice echoed through and out of the space enclosing you.

“Fine! I cheated on you!”

You heard Wooyoung’s reckless voice breaking the silence, as you stared into Seonghwa’s eyes.

You can’t believe your ears. Your heart is beating so fast. To the point, you almost want to throw up at the thought of him being with someone else. All the moments you both shared, gone in a fleeting minute. All the feelings of love and devotion suppressed deep inside your mind.

You can’t believe your eyes. The person that sits beside you at this moment. The person you missed for the longest time, and the person you hated the most. Now knows your most vulnerable secret.

You are looking at his face, but you’re not looking at him. Your mind wanders to places no one wants to be in.

“I cheated on you. Is that what you want to hear?”

You are still looking up at Seonghwa’s direction. There is no doubt he can hear Wooyoung’s voice coming through the phone in this heart wrenching silence.

“This is it,” you thought. You were never gonna see Wooyoung again. He dares to break up with you over a phone call. End it all, after being together for two years.

Alone, you still loved him. All the feelings were suppressed. Yet they were still there.

All of this is happening so fucking fast. But, It felt like forever.

You still couldn’t say a word to Wooyoung.

Words are coming out of your mouth but your voice doesn’t make any sound. Your heart is shattered into dust. The street lights are flickering and glistering in your teary eyes.

Wooyoung continues, sounding spiteful than he’s ever been.

“Did you really think you were the only person I was with? Oh y/n you are too naive”

“This is not him,” You thought, while saying nothing and nothing at all. You continued to listen to him, step on what’s left of your heart.

“y/n, Did you honestly think I love-”

Seonghwa grasped the phone out of your hand and hung up. He latched on to the phone while keeping his head down.

Not once, ever since he sat down beside you, did he look at your face.

You looked at him. Then you gazed up into the distance.

There was silence yet again.

The deafening silence.

The silence that you loathed more than anything.

Part 4: The Story

“Wooyoung.”

Saying his name, just thinking about it, makes your heart, break into a million little pieces. You wanted to cry, cry your eyes out and throw up all the feelings that were bottled inside.

“y/n” Seonghwa muttered as he extended his arms to hold on while turning your way. To hold on to you… to comfort you.

“Don’t…” you said. Keeping a straight face. While taking a deep breath, in an attempt to keep your composure. Because you can’t cry. Not in front of him. You don’t need his pity. And he doesn’t deserve to feel bad for you. It puzzled you, how difficult it was to not cry out loud. Scream at the top of your lungs. Yet he does not get to see you cry. After all, he left you. left you to wonder where he vanished to, without a word. Without even saying goodbye, he disappeared.

“Don’t touch me,” you said. Calm, but stern. You’re not a high schooler anymore. You’re not young anymore. You’re not his friend anymore.

Nothing less and nothing more.

You gaze up at the distance roads, turning your face away from Seonghwa’s direction. There is a horizon between the field across the road and the night sky full of stars. It’s a magical view for a night like this. A night that carries a sob story for people to read about.

You look at Seonghwa with eyes that hold a thousand, million words. His soft black hair is reflecting against the moonlight. It is blowing across his face as the wind sweeps the tension among you. The tension that holds a history belonging to you and only him. His hair… it had so much character. Once again, he looks like the person you know.

…

He had blonde hair when you first saw him on TV for the first time. It was peachy and unfamiliar. It carried a cold persona. You couldn’t recognize him at a glance. When you finally understood, you stared at his face for hours on end.

“So that’s where he ran off to…” you remember thinking. You remember going through a roller coaster of emotions all alone.

…

Flashbacks rushing back into your mind like an old movie reeling, roll after roll, scene after scene. Each moment you spend together; good, bad, exhilarating and frightening.

You were just friends, but more than that. You weren’t lovers but you loved each other. It was a beautiful time to be alive.

How hard it was for you; he may never know. But there was someone… not Ji Yeon, someone else. And that person was Wooyoung. He was there for you when you cried for so many nights and poured your heart out to him. You never thought of this moment, never thought how painful this moment would be. This moment he chooses to part ways.

“It’s happening all over again.” You said.

Thoughts, speculations, tearing through your mind, “There has to be something going on… he is not the type of person to do this.” All the while knowing that this, won’t change the fact that he broke up with you. He’s leaving you…

He left you.

It’s hard to face reality. Reality is sitting beside you. It is staring at you right in the face.

“It’s not fair,” you spoke under your breath.

You look up at the starry yet gloomy sky and blink the tears away.

“Why is everything going wrong today?” you wonder.

You squeeze your eyes shut tight to stop the tears. Still, they come creeping down your eyelids and stream along your glowing cheeks. One fell, two fell, tears came pouring out of your eyes. You put your guard down. No… your “guard,” was never there. It was denial, spite and history.

With both hands you cover your face and eyes to hide,. Your entire body trembles to the beat of your sobbing. You can feel the muscles in your face shaking. You can taste the salty tears as they fall onto your lips. You hear yourself silently screaming to release the pain you hold inside your throat. Your heart sinks deeper and deeper, each time you let out air. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t pleasant. You felt pathetic and miserable.

As the night gets darker and your sobs get louder, you feel the embrace of Seonghwa. You feel his touch for the first time in two years. It’s warm in this cold weather. It brings you comfort and relief. You continued to cry like a little child as he held on to you.

“I’m sorry,” He said.

Guilt, regret, pity, sorrow and all the feelings you can feel. These two words held so much meaning and you can hear every single one of them through his gentle voice.

…………

Seonghwa left, but he was always there. In the back of your mind. From the day he stepped in to that classroom. There was always comfort in his presence. Even the thought of him made you feel warm inside. There was never a guard between the two of you. The walls between you collapsed a long time ago and they were never going to come back up.

“Can I say the same for him?” You ask yourself. Whilst being wrapped up in his arms and feeling hollow inside.

He was your person before anyone else.

Were you his?

Part 5: Friends

Park Seonghwa…He is with you, you feel his warmth, the feeling you craved at this moment. Your face is buried in his chest. Sobbing like a broken machine. A broken soul.

The history behind you two was always complicated, and it will always be, complicated.

━━━━━━༻p a s t༺━━━━━━

You were walking along the narrow sidewalk on the first day of high school. You stopped at an intersection, to wait for Ji Yeon. Waited and waited, you called her cell phone, and no one answered. You walked into the grocery store nearby to wait for her. You jump at everything so the ringing sound as you stepped into the store while opening the door startled you. It was a lovely day outside, but the sunlight was hot. You decided to get some ice cream for you and Ji Yeon. You were leaning, concentrated, picking her and your favourite ice creams.

You heard the ringing once again and It scared the hell out of you. Your head shot up and turned towards the door with eyes wide. He stepped into the store while caressing his messy school boy hair.

There he was… Seonghwa.

That was the first time you saw him. He was wearing the same kind of uniform; you knew he went to your school. He looked… handsome. Not your stereotypical “idol” handsome. Oh, the irony. It made your heart flutter, even though he looked like he could make you squirm with just a glance. His presence made you feel some kind of way. His aura was overwhelmingly attractive. You stared at him for a good minute until he noticed you. Which is when you were taken back to reality with a slap in the face. You looked away so quickly, you felt something snap in your neck. You were a deer in headlights.

You picked up the first two ice creams that caught your hand and went up to the counter hoping to escape this humiliation. While you were waiting for the cashier to scan the items, you felt a strong presence behind you. It was him… standing tall, making you feel all kinds of intimidated. “how did he get there so fast??” you contemplate during this mental chaos.

You paid the cashier at lightning speed and ran towards the exit. You looked back just for the sake of it while opening the doors, only to see him staring at you. He smiled at you. It looked more like he laughed at you but “What do I know,” you thought while making a face that felt like a smile while walking out of the store. If only the muscles in your face moved properly, it wouldn’t have looked like you just ate the world’s most sour lemon.

You walked outside to see Ji Yeong standing at the intersections waiting to cross the street. You sneaked up on her placing both ice creams on her cheeks. Ji young turned around in a flash raising her hand to almost knock you out. “Oh it’s just you” “Why do you sound disappointed? Are you sad you couldn’t knock me out??” Mundane conversations never felt so good at that moment. The big sister you never had. No… The big sister you always had, watching over you. Making sure you always have your life together. And you were the same. Clumsy, but you tried. She was the more mature one.

“Why is your face so red?” Ji Yeong asked tilting her head. While grabbing the ice cream out of your hands. “O? Oh there was-” At that moment, Seonghwa walked out of the store. Ji Yeong’s attention immediately went to him, she looked at you and him again. “She’s too smart for her own good.” you think while looking at her face that is now grinning like a clown

“I- I think he goes to our school,” you said avoiding her eyes “Ohohoho, you think??” Ji Young said still smirking like a damn clown. She looked up at you with squinty eyes with an even wider grin. You knew she was about to do something you’re both going to regret.

Ji Yeon looked at Seonghwa who was walking towards the school. “HEY, YOU!!!” She screamed. Seonghwa looked back afraid for his life.

“HEYYY WHAT ARE YOU DOING???“ You said, silently screaming.

Ji Yeong ran towards him whilst dragging you with her.

How she has the courage to do things like this, you never understood. But you were always grateful for that. But this time you weren't so sure, “Why in the world is she doing this??” you wonder all the while being dragged by the mighty hands of Ji Yeon. Seonghwa still standing, scared for his life by the sight of Ji Yeong running towards him amid pulling you like a suitcase. The way Ji Yeon suddenly stopped running and the moumentum she had built up made you crash onto Seonghwa.

“Sorry,” you said, frowning at Ji Yeon and blushing like no one’s business.

“You okay?” He asked with coughing out a laugh. You heard his voice for the first time. His voice matched so perfectly to his oh so handsome face.

Leaves started falling slowly, winds brushed through the three of you standing on the sidewalk. Autumn has never looked so beautiful.

You remember walking to the school together, he parted ways to walk with his friends at the Entrance. His friends, you became close to them too.

You walked into the classroom that belonged to you for the year. Took a deep breath. ”everything will be fine,“ you more so wished.

Ji Yeon ended up in a different homeroom, unfortunately. Her outgoing self was fine. However, you were scared.

You chose your seat close to the window. A place that made the classroom feel much bigger. Looking outside somehow made you calm. And the sound of birds and wind crashing on the windows made you feel like you were outside.

That’s when he entered the classroom. His eyes scanned the room and stopped at you. He slowly walked towards you.

“Is this seat taken?” He asked… with a smile? You don’t remember.

“No, you can sit here,” You said with a faint curious smile tracking his face as he sat down. There was that feeling again… But this time it was different. It felt normal, a beautiful, typical feeling… It was like he was always there in your comfort.

You two were quiet for a long minute.

“I can’t believe we’re in the same homeroom,” He spoke with that gentle voice again.

This was the beginning of a questionable yet charming, melancholic, and longing friendship that lasted for years… It was normal, doesn’t any friendship start out like this?

But a part of you knew how special this was.

Today, you are holding him once again… after years,

Crying because of another man.

Crying because of Wooyoung… His old friend…

Your old friend.

You just want this never-ending night to be over.

You needed time, to stop crying… Time to think.

Part 6: Timing

You hated “Time”…

Life happens… Time goes on without a care for your emotions, without a care for anyone’s feelings.

Time, the passage that left you behind at the peak of your teenage years.

It felt good at times but just some days, you could feel it. Feel the emptiness lingering at the back of your mind.

But now, you needed time. More than anything, you needed time to think about what had just happened today.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

The memories of the early teenage years reeled in your thoughts. All the while, your head was buried in his chest.

He no longer belongs to you. You… are not his anymore.

You’re not anyone’s… anymore, and these thoughts frightened you.

His embrace comforted you while you melted away at his warmth. It distracted you from breaking apart this endearing connection.

As the night went by, you finally gathered the courage to pull away from him.

You’re not crying anymore, although your face was now swollen, red and soaked with fallen tears. You notice that his shirt was drenched in your tears as you bring your arms up to dry your face. You glance at his face with an apologetic smile.

“Are you okay?” Seonghwa look at you, only to look away at the distant roads.

A bitter laugh escaped your mouth… “I’m not okay,” You sighed.

“My boyfriend… just broke up with me,” You say while staring into the night sky.

“I know. I…heard”, Seonghwa stutter.

“Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk”, He spoke again, knowing full well, that it was Wooyoung. His old friend.

Hearing him say that angered you.

Wooyoung stuck by you during your worst times. He made you laugh with his whole being. He was there for you… He took care of you, and you did the same.

"He was there for me", You think. The person who called you today wasn’t him. You were still in denial. After all the things that happened, you still couldn’t shake away the pieces of hearts you left with him. The feelings you left with him when you kissed him goodbye at the airport.

“It’s Wooyoung…don’t you remember? You were friends with him in high school" You say although you knew… that he knew.

"And you don’t know anything about him,” You said, irritated by his words.

He did… probably more than you ever knew about Wooyoung.

Your thoughts yell at him… “HE was there for me when YOU weren’t!”

He doesn’t get to say those things when he was the one that left you.

Maybe saying “sorry” doesn’t make it all okay. Maybe it didn’t matter to Seonghwa if he said goodbye that day or not.

Maybe…he didn’t see you the same way, you saw at him.

All your pent up anger started pouring out of your body. But you were stern.

You stood up… looking forward, steadily. Head held up high with all the force you could muster.

Is it time?

Is it time to finally confront him?

there was that helpless silence again.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

The concert ended a long time ago. The fans must have left the venue.

you looked at your phone to see a text from Ji Yeon.

“I’ll be waiting in the car if you need me"

You walked forward. Not having the guts to face him, you started to speak, facing your back at him…

Thinking that this, would be the last time.

The last time you will ever speak to him.

The last time he will ever hear your voice.

"You know what? … You could have at least told me why"

"Why you had to leave like that,” Your voice trembled at the thought of confrontation.

“You could have at least-”

“I did…"

Seonghwa cut you off.

You didn’t turn to look at him, but your face looks confused and baffled at his statement.

"My letter… I wrote you a letter” You could hear the disbelief in his voice as he recalls the day he left.

“Seonghwa…What are you talking about?” You ask while your eyebrows narrow in doubt and shaking your head in denial.

“The letter… It was so sudden… they gave me such a short time to decide and leave the city… I didn’t even get much time to say goodbye to my friends… And you” He continued.

“I didn’t want to text or call you and leave suddenly, so… I wrote you a letter"

You could not believe what was coming out of his mouth. your mind was unstable at his excuses.

"He can’t possibly be serious right now…What letter?” you think as you hear Seonghwa’s muffled voice described what happened that day.

You took a step forward and started to walk away.

“I wrote it and gave it to Wooy-"

...

You hear Seonghwa stop himself as the realization hits both of you.

You were no longer walking away.

You froze.

You could hear, the sound of wind brushing through the tree branches in this Midsummer night.

The whole world stopped and Time stood still. For the first time in your life, time was no longer passing you by. It stood still, and waited… for you to get on the passage that once left you behind.

For the first time, a piece fell perfectly into your puzzling life.

It fell into the perfect place while all the others blew in the wind…

Part 7: Let You Go (You & Wooyoung POV)

Maybe it was never meant to be…

“Maybe it’s time to let you go”

He thinks.

The day you left Korea he knew, you were going to slip away. He had friends that knew Seonghwa. He knew that it was only a matter of time. He knew that you were going to meet him there.

At the back of his mind, he also knew that you needed this.

He knew that maybe, it was time to let you go.

He loved you.

He loves you.

Still.

━━━━━━༻ p a s t ༺━━━━━━

On the first day of High School, he laid eyes on you for the first time, when he saw you walking with Seonghwa and Ji Yeon.

Seonghwa parted from you and Ji Yeon to walk with Wooyoung and his other friends.

His bitter unrequited, one sided crush... began that day.

“Who is that?” he asked Seonghwa, unable to take his eyes away from you.

You were radiating like a star in the daylight.

It was magic to him.

“Uhhh… she’s y/n, I just met her today. And that's her friend Ji Yeon” Seonghwa said.

He saw your eyes sparkling at the sight of Seonghwa…

The day he saw you for the first time, he knew that you were never going to look at him the same way.

The way he looked at you.

The way you… looked at Seonghwa.

He became friends with Seonghwa’s friends, which meant that he became friends with you and Ji Yeon.

Four Years of endearing friendships with you, Seonghwa, Wooyoung and Ji Yeon. The world belonged to the four of you. There were other people, coming in and out of your lives…

Yet the world revolved around the four of you when you were together.

Each and every one of you would do anything, to get back those four years…

To go back the time you were friends and nothing less or nothing more.

Everyone knew the relationship between you and Seonghwa was special. Everyone except you and Seonghwa.

Wooyoung didn’t know about the things that happened between just the two of you, except, he would notice the subtle changes. He saw the walls between you and Seonghwa slowly fall apart. It didn’t matter how high or how strong they were, he noticed. Ji Yeon noticed.

He was never going to come between the two of you.

The times Wooyoung spent with you, the four of you were always there.

Amid everything, he found everything that you did so endearing, adorable and he respected you for who you are. He loved everything about you. He saw that you were clumsy, intelligent and wise. He saw your flaws and quirks and still loved you anyway. He would get butterflies in his stomach each time he saw you enter a room. He could feel his heart beating faster when you were sitting inches apart.

He also knew that he wasn’t the only one feeling this way.

The only difference was that you didn’t see him the way you saw Seonghwa.

It was painful, to say the least.

But he saw how happy you were around Seonghwa. He wasn’t going to take that away from you.

Wooyoung being Seonghwa’s best friend, they only wanted the best for each other.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

The day before Seonghwa left.

It was past 10:00 pm

Wooyoung got a phone call from Seonghwa that day.

“I need to tell you something”

“I need you to do this one last favor… for her"

He said.

It was a strangely quiet night that day.

There was a park next to Wooyoung’s apartment. A place the four of you used to hang out at night time looking at stars. A place where you all made late-night conversations that dove deep into your souls. The place that triggered conversations leading to teardrops that reflected the moonlight. It was merely a playground but for you four, it was perhaps the symbol of your friendship.

Wooyoung knew exactly where to go when Seonghwa called him to meet up. He saw Seonghwa’s back. His figure that was sitting on a bench crouched down. His demeanor had dark clouds forming at the top of his head.

At that moment he knew.

Seonghwa always talked about leaving… to go follow his dreams. It meant leaving his friends and everyone he loved. Wooyoung never thought this day would come. Although he knew how much talent and potential Seonghwa had, he never through this day would come. He never thought that Seonghwa would actually leave all of you.

Wooyoung approached Seonghwa.

He had an envelope in his hands. He was fiddling with it as if he didn’t know what to do with the envelope in his hand. It was as if he wanted to give it away as soon as he could.

"Hey”, Wooyoung said while making his way to Seonghwa.

Seonghwa’s head turned towards Wooyoung in an instant. He stood up slwoly while looking at Wooyoung concerned.

“Hey,” Seonghwa muttered. reluctant to let anything come out of his mouth.

“You said you wanted to tell me something?… Is everything all right?? Let’s just sit down first”

“No,” Seonghwa said… as if he was in a hurry to run away.

“Actually, I’m leaving…

Tomorrow”

Wooyoung let out a laugh “What are you talking about? Where are you going?"

He laughed because of how ridiculous Seonghwa sounded when he said those words without any context.

He laughed…

Because, at the back of his mind, he knew exactly what Seonghwa was talking about.

Seonghwa knew that Wooyoung didn’t need an explanation.

After all, they were best friends.

"I… I wanted to tell you at least.”

“I want to tell y/n too but right now, I don’t think I can look her in the face and say goodbye”

“Or even a phone call... she’d hate me”

“Just this once, can do me one last favor? Will you give this to her” Seonghwa asked Woooung.

“Of course,” Wooyoung said without hesitation.

There were no other intentions. The letter was meant to be for you and it was going to end up in your hands.

Seonghwa finally gave Wooyoung, the letter. The letter that holds a thousand words and feelings to be unraveled.

His hands… they felt heavy.

It seemed like he was about to burst into tears. Looking down, trying to trap the tears from leaping out of his eyes. Wooyoung felt the same. He thought that he was about to lose his best friend. They both held in tears because it’s not like them to cry.

It’s not like them to cry they thought, because they were who people thought they were.

Because when they act differently, people judge.

Because people are who determines what kind of children they are.

This was the mindset of these two teenagers.

Teenagers soon to learn what life is. Learn to love themselves as they are. Teenagers who were to learn how to truly love others. Learn to not care about what the world thinks of them. They would soon learn that as long as they were good, honest people, that it’s okay to cry if they feel like it. Cry happy tears, sad ones and all the other kinds.

But at that moment, they were just teenagers full of feelings and dreams.

And those teenagers were willing to do anything… right or wrong, to fulfill those feelings and dreams.

They talked for hours after. The typical things best friends talk about.

Both of them were known for their way with words. Perhaps the lack of it. But that night, they talked about the most mundane things for hours on end, while keeping a lump in their throats.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

They said their goodbyes.

Wooyoung watched Seonghwa walk away.

Nothing was going to break the friendship they had.

Nothing except Time, Distance and somebody else.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

Mondays.

Everyone hates those right?

Wooyoung biked to school that day. It was sunny and cold.

His mind was filled with a thousand, million thoughts as he swept through the cool winds.

An envelope tucked safely inside of his bag, he parked his bike and made his way into the classroom.

He stopped himself by the classroom doors, at the sight of you.

You were sitting by the window as usual. Enjoying the warm sunlight hitting your face. Not aware of how heartbreakingly beautiful you looked. The small crack in the window blew wind across your face making you look even more breathtaking.

“There it goes again,” He thought.

That feeling in his heart, every time he saw you.

It always started in a blur…

Everything would go quiet and then, like a train getting faster and faster, his heart would start pounding like crazy.

Ji Yeon came up behind him and put her hand around his shoulders. At that instant, he snapped back to reality. The classroom was full of noise once again and he began to notice the people around him.

“What are you looking at?” Ji Yeon asked jokingly.

“Hm?” He asked without making eye contact and pretending to be clueless.

Everyone knew about his feelings for you. Everyone but you and Seonghwa.

“Nevermind, let’s sit down the class is about to start,” Ji Yeon said with a smirk on her face.

He went to sit at the desk behind you, while Ji Yeon sat beside you.

You turned to Ji Yeon, “Do you know where Seonghwa is? I didn’t see him in the morning and he’s not picking up my calls.”

“Did you try texting him?” Ji Yeon asked.

“Ya, but he’s the type to rather call than text you know,” you talked with a concerning tone.

“Don’t worry, he’s probably just too lazy to drag his ass out of bed” Ji Yeon, being herself, tried to make you feel at ease. You let out a laugh only to bring yourself back to worrying.

Wooyoung saw that you were worried. He tapped you in the shoulder while calling your name.

“Y/n…”

You looked behind at him with the same expression. “Hm? what is it?” “Do you know where Seonghwa is?”

Wooyoung didn’t know what to say. Nothing was coming out of his mouth. He managed to say just one thing.

“Can you meet me after school? There’s something I need to give you.”

You looked at his face in confusion and curiosity, only to agree to him.

“Sure… of course,” You said while nodding.

The teacher entered the classroom. You and Ji Yeon went about the day thinking that Seonghwa was just saying home for the day. You were planning to call him after school. Maybe drop by his house to see if he’s okay. Not in a million years, you would have thought that he left his friends. That he left you.

The last bell rang. Students were rushing out of the school.

Wooyoung was standing by the gate, waiting for you.

He was holding the envelope in his hands. This time he looked at it carefully. It was white in color and had a pretty border around the corners. Your name was written on it with Seonghwa’s handwriting.

He noticed you walking towards him.

Thoughts began reeling in his mind, all the while he stared at you from a distance.

“What did he wanna say to you?"

"Why did he only tell me?"

"Why am I the one delivering this to you?”

“It’s not fair,” He looked at the bright blue sky only to turn his head back your way.

Those feelings came back.

He was a teenager after all. A teenager that was willing to do anything for his feelings.

Wooyoung was a good student. A good person.

But it only took a split second to ask those questions.

“What if you never get it?"

"What if you never find out?”

“Will things be different… between us?”

He thought, watching you getting closer and closer to him.

When you approached him he was looking at you. Although it seemed as if he was staring into another world.

“Earth to Wooyoung!!” You said while waving your hand in front of his face.

He looked at you once again as if he looked at you for the first time ever.

The envelope was no longer in his hands.

It was yet again safely tucked away in his bag… never to end up in your hands.

Or so he thought.

“Oh hey,"

Wooyoung said under his breath.

You held out your hand expecting something.

"You said you were gonna give me something”

“Huh?” he said as if he was caught off guard.

He’s doing something he shouldn’t be doing. Yet he thought that this was his only chance to make anything happen between the two of you.

“Oh…” he put her hand away gently.

“I wanted to treat you today…” He said.

“Treat me?"

"Yeah… let’s go get some food. Do you want to call Ji Yeon too?"

He said, trying to sound less suspicious than he already does.

"No, she said she wanted to go home early today.”

“Something to do with her mom.”

He nodded, “Okay let’s go then”

“What do you wanna eat?” He asked looking straight ahead while walking out of the gates of your high school.

“Anything… as long as you’re buying,” You said, sounding like the happiest person on earth.

It made him laugh. It made him happy, to see you happy.

But he knew that your happiness wasn’t going to last long. He knew that you were never going to see Seonghwa after that day. Never in a way that would able for you and Seonghwa to truly be together. He had to find a way to tell you all about it. Any other way that wouldn’t involve you seeing that letter.

The air was cool that day, but not cool enough to restrict him or you from buying ice cream. He knew you loved ice cream. No matter how cold it was out, you would never refuse to buy your favorite ice cream. Let along someone else buy it for you.

You noticed the worry in Wooyoung’s face. He has been like this all day. He knew you were smart enough to figure out that something was wrong, but never acted upon it. Even while paying the cashier, he was thinking of the things he should tell you.

You two were walking on the sidewalk, next to each other, when you suddenly jumped in front of him and said,

“Jeong Wooyoung… is there something you want to tell me?"

You weren’t expecting him to be serious about this but when you said those words, he stopped dead in his tracks. His head lowered and then he looked at you with his soft eyes like he was sorry.

”But what for?“

You thought.

"There…” he pointed to a park that was nearby.

“Let’s go over there and talk,” he said.

They walked over to the park. You kept looking at his face but he had his head steady and looking straight.

A part of you knew that this was about Seonghwa. You had been worrying about him that whole day.

Still, you weren’t ready for what you were about to hear.

“We’re here now… just tell me.”

“You have to promise me that, you won’t freak out... o-or cry...”

“Okay sure, get on with it already”.

“Seonghwa…”

You kept staring at him, as though you didn’t want him to speak anymore.

“He left the city,”

Wooyoung said under his breath. He didn’t want you to feel this way. He thought you were about to break down in front of him.

Instead, you showered him with questions that were pouring out of your mind.

“What do you mean?"

"Where did he go?”

“Why?”

You didn’t move. you kept staring at him with teary eyes until you got the answers you wanted.

Wooyoung kept quiet. He didn’t know what to say. He knew that you would find out soon enough. He knew that it was better to just tell you at that moment. But all that came out of his mouth was,

“I’m sorry”

“What do you mean you’re sorry?”

“You’re supposed to know these things!!”

There was no one at the park. You could’ve screamed at the top of your lungs if you wanted to but you didn’t. No one would understand the frustration, the anger and the sadness you were feeling inside. Yet you kept yourself composed.

“You’re his best friend… How could you not know?” You said finally.

Wooyoung tried to speak.

“He didn’t-”

“I don’t wanna be here anymore," You cut him off.

You stood up.

"Thank you… for the ice cream,” you spoke.

At that moment he knew that you weren’t angry at him.

You were angry at Seonghwa for leaving. Perhaps leaving without a word. For disappearing into thin air like your friendship meant nothing.

You went home that day resenting everything about Seonghwa. You assumed that he didn’t want to be contacted by you or anyone he knew.

So you didn’t.

It was emptiness more so than anger or resentment.

You felt betrayed and cheated…

From the wrong person. but you didn’t know.

Wooyoung watched you walk away that day.

He felt ashamed and guilty but he didn’t want to lose you.

If he were to tell you what he had done then, he knew that it would be the end of it all. It was too late.

Although it wasn’t forever, he knew he had to live with it, until one day.

What he didn’t know was that this would be the day when everything will be destroyed between everyone he loved.

...

Months went by before the time you learned about Seonghwa’s whereabouts. You were at home cleaning the living room and there was a music show playing on the TV.

That was the day you found out.

Where he had been all this time.

You saw him on TV for the first time… in months.

At first, you couldn’t recognize him.

“How can a person change in such a short time,” you thought.

You thought while staring into the TV.

It read “ATEEZ” at the bottom of the screen.

“What a weird name,” You thought.

“Was this his big secret?” You thought.

You thought and you though…

You couldn’t stop thinking.

His hair was peachy blonde. It looked unfamiliar and yet, he looked like the same old Seonghwa, the longer you looked. His built was familiar and beautiful as always.

He looked like he was having the time of his life.

“He seems happy…” You thought.

The emptiness you felt for the longest started to fill with sadness.

You felt your legs giving out and fell onto the ground.

“Why is this affecting me so much?” You wonder.

You felt emotions you’ve never felt before.

You felt your heart getting tighter at every breath you took.

“He could have just said goodbye…"

“ If you just said something to me…”

"We would have been fine…”

You thought.

...

You were no longer the same person you were before.

You went to Wooyoung and he was there for you.

Everything you wanted… he had.

He was there to make you laugh when you were sad.

He was there to take you to places when you needed it.

He was there to bury you in his arms when you felt like you were alone in this world.

He was there when you were crying your heart out because of Seonghwa at that time.

That was the reason for this endearing relationship.

The endearing relationship that was built on a lie.

━━━━━━༻ p r e s e n t ༺━━━━━━

Today,

Wooyoung sits on the empty beach at midnight.

The place you two kissed for the first time.

There is a bottle of alcohol by his side and a worn-out envelope in his hands. It didn’t look white anymore… and the corners looks folded and messy.

Yet it was unopened.

Unopened and still waiting for lingering feelings to be freed into the world.

The feelings waiting to be read to you.

Still waiting to land in your hands.

He recalls the phone call he made to you as he gets sober into the night.

The moonlight reflects on the ocean.

It looks beautiful and blue and yet his head is down.

...

“Fine! I cheated on you!!” He remembers saying.

Except he didn’t.

“Maybe it would be easier for you to hate me if I said those words,” He thinks.

“You would have met him by now,” He thinks

“Maybe its time to tell the truth,” He thinks.

His phone starts vibrating on the ground.

Making it sink more in to the sand with each vibration.

He finally looks at his phone. His eyes are red from crying.

He sees his phone lighting up with your name on it through the tiny sand rocks.

He tries to brush up his hair that sticks to his face.

Amid the sounds of waves crashing the sand,

Despite the dark yet beautiful scenario he sits before, He only thinks of you.

He reaches for the phone.

As Wooyoung answers your call, and as he brings it onto his ear, he thinks…

“Maybe it’s time to let you go…"

The beach was empty that night.

Yet there was the sound of ocean waves rumbling onto the sand only to fade back away at his feet.

The beach was empty that night because people were too busy to admire the moon light reflecting on the calm waters on a Tuesday night.

The beach was empty that night and his remorse, shame and regret managed to fill the air around him.

Making him lonelier than anyone could ever know.

Part 8: If I Leave Now… (back to “second person”)

If we only saw what we wanted to see…

What would we see?

If we only heard what we wanted to hear…

What would we hear?

“Right now all I see is the ground at my feet. I see the two years I spent with Wooyoung flashing before my eyes."

"Right now… all I hear is the sound of the wind. My mind… is immersed in the sounds of laughter from those times I spent with him…"

"Were they real to him?”

Your back faces Seonghwa. You were about to leave, thinking you said what needed to be said.

…

“Wooyoung… I gave it to him…”

“Did you ever get it?…” Seonghwa asks, not taking his eyes away from your sight. Expecting your answer to be “Yes” and nothing else.

But his voice… You could hear the little trembles of insecurity and doubt.

It’s been years since you hear Seonghwa’s voice. You can feel his gaze on you for the first time in forever.

You can’t stand to hear his shaky voice.

You can’t bear to turn around to look at his face.

All you could think about is running away.

Runaway to find the answers.

Runaway only to run back to the person you don’t want to see.

“I have to go…"

"I have to talk to Wooyoung.”

You say.

You could only imagine what Seonghwa’s face looks like. Eyes wide and his soft hair brushing across his creased forehead. You knew Seonghwa enough to know that this isn’t what he wanted to hear at this moment.

Would anyone?

You hear things you don’t want to hear.

The last thing you want to hear is that the mundane yet wondrous two years you spend with Wooyoung was a lie.

Despite the severed feelings, you were willing to carry those memories with you because it made you happy in a puzzling way.

But now those memories, tainted with regret and bitterness.

Just because at the start of it all, there was a lie.

Countless thoughts go through your mind and you still can’t wrap your head around what happened today.

Although you knew that closing your eyes, does not make this day any less real, that’s all you can bear to do.

You close your eyes…

You close your eyes and hope to wake up from this nightmare.

…

“If I leave now…”

“If I leave now, when will I see you again…”

“If I leave now… will I find my way back to you.”

The wind sweeps past you as you take a deep breath.

You open your eyes facing the sky full of stars before letting yourself do whatever your heart desired at the moment.

You want to see his face before you leave.

Your eyes wander at his direction and the body carried the rest.

Your footsteps are reaching him as he stares at you hopelessly.

…

There you are… standing in front of him.

The familiarity lingers as you step closer to him.

He has changed so much but in your eyes, the same old Seonghwa stands before you with his hair black as the midnight sky. Eyes shimmering with tears, so close to trailing down his cheeks.

You can’t stand to look at his face.

“I didn’t need a letter…” You speak.

“I didn’t need a letter to know what you felt about me."

Your voice trembles as you speak.

Your hand finds its way to his face. Cupping his soft cheeks while your fingertips touch the ends of his hair.

your face tilts as his hand traces up yours overlapping yours. He held it tight as if he’s been waiting to hold your hand forever and as if he never wanted to let it go.

"I know…"

"I wanted to say goodbye… I’m sorry.” Seonghwa spoke with his, oh so handsome voice.

“His voice… It’s different now." You think.

Not a care for his apology because it’s not his fault.

It was never his fault.

"It’s not your fault,” you say.

Your eyes shut tight as you feel tears creeping up.

…

You think…

“Till next time”

“I have to go”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“If I leave now… I want to kiss you goodbye”

You think and you think, all the while your eyes wander all over his face.

You find yourself moving closer and closer to him as he holds your hand tight.

A kiss on his temple…

Unable to pull away, your face lies on his cheeks as you feel his eyes close tightly. You feel his teardrops falling on to your face and trace down your neck.

“Stay,” He says.

A kiss on the cheek. Boundaries and unspoken feelings.

A kiss on the cheek. It makes you want more.

As if you were saying that you will be back. As if you were saying that

“If I leave now… we will see each other again.”

“I’ll be back… I promise.” You say.

He wraps his arms around you as you were about to pull away.

“If you leave now… I promise… I will find my way too you again.”

...

You think about the words he said as you look outside the car window.

Ji Yeon is at the driver’s seat. Concerned as usual.

Refreshing air is coming in as you drive past countless fields on a lonely road. You immerse in the way you felt in his arms and his comforting words that gave you butterflies.

“What are you gonna do about Wooyoung?” Ji Yeon asks breaking your thoughts while keeping her head on the road.

You run your fingertips through your hair, taking a deep breath.

“Hmm… I don’t know."

"I have to call him.”

You say with no emotion.

Ji Yeon didn’t say anything. Maybe she knew you wanted space.

The whole drive back to the hotel was quiet. Except for the sounds of horns and the city noises once you entered the highway.

One problem goes away while another creeps in.

Love is blind they say...

Maybe in another universe, we could have been together…

Maybe in another universe, he never lied to me…

Maybe in another universe, the four of us could have still been friends…

But this is the real world and If I leave now… I will find my way back to the right person.

Part 9: I’m Okay

Sitting on the passenger’s seat. You wait as you reach your hotel room, suffocating in this silence that somehow comforts you. The sky is as dark as ever, yet the stars shine through, making you hopeful despite everything that happened today.

Is it ignorant, to feel hopeful now?

Is it selfish to feel like my future is somehow going to be better from now on?

“Hmmm.”

A life without that person?

Ji Yeon is driving and you looking outside the cracked open windows. Looking at other passengers waiting to pass through traffic.

“They have no idea what happened today at the venue. They have their own lives to worry about.”

"Why do I even care about this?”

You look at Ji Yeon who is concentrating on the road.

“I’m not alone." You think.

"Despite everything that happened today… despite everything that will happen when I finally call him, I will not be alone.”

It’s hard to look around only to realize that you’re alone. But you always had Ji Yeon. The friendship you two had was rather complicated but she was always there. Like she is now. Even though it may not seem like it.

“She has her own life… Just like those passengers waiting in traffic. Each with a story to tell on their own. Mundane, Adventurous, Tragic, Exhilarating, whichever it may be… at this moment, we’re all waiting for the traffic to pass us by.

I’m not alone… I have Ji Yeon, I have Seonghwa and the rest of the world.”

Just like those people, Ji Yeon has her own story and you were glad to be a part of it.

You let out a chuckle because of these ridiculous thoughts reeling in your mind when you should be thinking about that phone call.

“Is something on my face??”

Ji Yeon asks, not taking her eyes away from the road.

“…Oh? What do you mean?” You say whist being startled and snapping out of these absurd thoughts.

“Well for one, you’re looking at my face AND laughing- is something on my face- are you thinking about weird stuff again?” Ji Yeon says while finally looking at your direction with narrowed eyebrows, after stopping the slow-moving vehicle.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WEIRD STUFF??” You ask as you look away, not being able to maintain eye contact.

“I don’t know… you think about one small thing and go off on meaningless ‘thought trains’ She tries to make air qutes with her hands while driving.

“And then you space out and STARE at things LIKE MY FACEEEE jUST nOw and THEN you start smiling like some creepy- that’s weird honey-”

You can’t believe she just said that. That she called you out like that. In disbelief, you look at Ji Yeon with your mouth wide open.

Before you know it, you both start bursting out into laughter. It echoes throughout the car and out onto the highway.

“Thank you…

For being on my side.

For being in my life.”

“Like everything, this will fade away.

Just like the waves crashing onto the words scribbled on a lonely seashore… Reality awaits to crash and take away our laughter.

But I hope we can do it again.

Laugh like everything is just fine.

Laugh like our stars are aligned, exactly how we want them to be.”

……….

You two finally reach the Hotel room after what anyone would call a quiet car ride.

You threw your phone and purse onto the bed along with yourself.

Ji Yeon placed her stuff and the car key on top of the nightstand.

“I’m gonna hit the shower, those Atinys were so damn sweaty jumping around and screaming in my ear.”

Ji Yeon says waving her hand in the air while walking into the washroom.

You let out a laugh “yeah right… Like YOU didn’t jump around and scream in MY ear”

“What do you have for Yeosang anyway? Let me guess… He’s your bias?” You say while staring on to the ceiling of the hotel room.

“Whatever.” You hear Ji Yeon say along with the sound of the shower turning on.

You were exhausted and drained of energy but you managed to sit on the edge of the bed. Your phone lays on to your side and it lights up with notifications. Notifications from meaningless advertisements and people you’d consider acquaintances. It lights up again and again as if it is inviting you to do the very thing you’ve been wanting to do when you parted ways with Seonghwa.

You hear the sound of the shower running in the background as you pick up your phone. It feels heavy. Everything… feels heavy now. The most recent phone call was from Wooyoung.

You were tired to think anymore… To deliberate whether to call or not to call him.

You take a deep breath and without a second thought, you call him. You close your eyes and open your eyes and the phone rings with Wooyoung’s name lighting up the screen.

“Wooyoung… It’s me.” You speak.

Your heart drops as you hear him say your name.

Your heart drops as you hear the waves crashing and the sound of the wind through the phone.

You know exactly where he is.

“Are you sober now?” You ask, with the most impassive voice you could muster to mask.

“How did you know-” Wooyoung stops himself realizing that you knew him better than anyone.

“So you met him… Did he tell you about it?”

“Did you figure-”

“Wooyoung…

When I hang up this phone, It’s over”

You can’t listen to his voice anymore. The voice that brought so much pain to you just a few hours ago… You want to say the things you want to say and hang up.

“I’M ending this. I’M breaking up with you… Not you…

I think I deserve at least that much.”

It’s quiet on the other side, yet you could almost hear his thoughts.

There’s no need to explain why. There is no need to explain what caused all of this. He should know that better than anyone else.

After a few seconds of silence, you hear him speak.

“I’m sorry.”

Sorry doesn’t cut it.

But we’re adults now. Shouldn’t we be more mature?

We make mistakes when we are young, and carry those mistakes into adulthood.

Some people forget.

Some people forgive.

Some people grow out of them.

Is it ignorant to forgive somebody?

To forgive somebody but never want to see their face again?

Is it the “mature” thing to do?

To be okay with something that cannot be fixed?

To let go and cut ties?

To know when somebody regrets the things they’ve done?

To know that living with such regret is punishment enough for them?

For him?

The friendship, the deep-rooted bond between the four of you went above and beyond lies and secrets.

That’s what made you say…

“It’s okay.”

It’s okay because now you know.

It’s okay because maybe, he is sorry.

Because now you can end it.

And move on.

For good.

“One last thing… When I get back, I’ll come to find you…”

“Not for you… but for that letter.”

“Goodbye, Wooyoung.”

…

“When I hang up this phone, It’s over”

Words you say lingers in your mind as you lie on your bed once again.

You hear Ji Yeon turning off the shower and come out of the washroom.

“That was an awfully long shower Ji Yeon,” You say with a tiresome voice.

Ji Yeon nervously laughs and says “yea… sorry were you waiting for a long time?”

“No.. You’re just on time”

You get up and make your way into the shower.

“Hey, are you okay?…” Ji Yein stops you and asks.

“Yeah… It’s been a long day... I’m just tired.”

… … …

“Yeah… I’m okay.

Maybe it’s time to start believing those words.”

Chapter 10~

To be continued…? :)

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juliivn-blog · 6 years ago

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[ bill skarsgård, cismale, he/him, 29 ] BRAIN STEW by GREEN DAY? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of JULIAN NILSSON. maybe because they’re SELF-RELIANT but also CAVALIER. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since SEPTEMBER of 2018 in APARTMENT 203 and have 1 ROOMMATE. [ lainie, she/her, 21+, cst ]

hello bitches it me ( lainie ) back at it again !! this time bringing u the anti adrian and pls be wary bc there are a lot of sensitive topics down below ( tws for major drug use, drug addiction, death, grief, shitty parenting, neglect, abandonment?? kind of idk better safe than sorry ) also u can find a tl;dr at the bottom since it’s literally SO LONG

BACKGROUND

so bear with me bc his background info is kind of Long!! his mom and dad are from just outside of st louis, missouri. his mom came from a pretty wealthy family and she was just like tryna be ~rebellious in her young adult years by dating julian’s dad (who came from a super trashy family and had a Bad Boy Rep). when she was 19 and he was 22 she got pregnant ( with julian ) and her fam was like get rid of that baby or ur gone !! but they were “““madly in love””” and she was on her rebellious shit so they literally eloped to the city ( st louis ) and got an apartment together and had julian but never actually got married bc they were too cool ( read: irresponsible ) for that. ofc this ended up being rly miserable bc she was used to living the rich life and now her family had disowned her, and suddenly she was starting to realize this dude she had a kid with was kind of a deadbeat party boy with no interest in having a family, not to mention she started realizing like?? i don’t actually want a kid this is a lot of work?? so like julian’s childhood years were a lot of him having to learn to take care of himself and not having anyone to depend on most of the time. and that’s not to say they didn’t both care abt him on some level bc there were definitely times they paid attention to him and gave him a birthday party or two but for the most part he was on his own

his secret favorite memory is flying a kite with his dad when he was 4 but u would be more likely to win the lottery than get him talking abt that

fast forward 5 years and finally julian’s dad, now in his late 20s and getting antsy, peaces the fuck out to los angeles to live his best party boy life. baby julian is very upset bc even tho his dad doesnt pay a lot of attention to him he like idolizes him. julian’s mom is saltier than EVER about having to take care of a kid but she doesn’t wanna go to LA ( especially for this asshole she doesn’t even like anymore ) and her parents won’t have anything to do with her or her illegitimate child so the NEXT 5 years are a lot of moving around from shitty apartment to shitty apartment and job to job by themselves. his dad would now and then send weird postcards and letters and pictures and stuff from cali so he had like a vague idea of the fact that his dad was living his own life somewhere that looked super wild, and when he was 11 years old he sent a letter back asking if he could come live with him. his dad contacts his mom, there’s a bunch of fighting, but in the end julian did indeed get to go live with his dad in los angeles, mostly bc his mom just didn’t give a fuck anymore and was lowkey like…u know what fine take him i can have my life back

obviously his dad does not know how to be a dad !!! he kind of thought of julian as his little like…..sidekick like he just thought having this 11 year old kid around was hilarious. so julian went to LA and was living with his dad and his dad’s friends in a relatively nice apartment but like it’s always filled with people doing drugs and having sex and it’s just. not child friendly at all. so that’s how julian was introduced to weed at the ripe young age of 11!!! from there on out he was like a big time weed and cigarette smoker, was very early having sex and trying other drugs, and by the time he graduated high school he was already hardcore doing coke

so julian like kind of wanted to go to college bc some part of him did crave normalcy, but he was way too far up his own ass to get his shit together for that !! plus like….he didn’t rly have good role models. so his first year after high school instead of getting on a good path for his future he decided living his best life would include moving into an apartment with his cokehead best friend. it was around that time that julian met his first boyfriend. he was already totally aware he was bi, had slept with boys in high school, but this was the first time he rly fell in love with a guy. he was like……….head! over! heels! for this boy. julian met him at a club and he was like sort of soft and relatively innocent until they started dating and julian got him smoking weed and then snorting coke

this next part is very triggering so please read with caution !! when he was 23, julian tried heroin for the first time. for about 6 months it gradually got really bad, his life started spiraling, and his bf was like….becoming unable to deal with it, especially bc while julian was getting worse his bf was kind of trying to move in the opposite direction and get off the coke and get his life back together. there was a lot of fighting, but his bf kept not actually making the move to end things bc he loved julian and was just like hoping something would turn around. one night, however, in a moment of weakness, he let julian talk him into trying heroin with him. it was kind of an “i promise i’ll get clean if u try it with me this one time” thing. being in and out of consciousness and not really aware of what was going on, he didn’t notice that his bf was overdosing and he ended up dying simply bc the heroin was too much for his body and he stopped breathing. julian didn’t notice until the morning when he woke up, and obviously that was by far the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to him and left some deep ass emotional scars

so following this, he actually did check himself into rehab. he was there for 3 months, got completely clean, but he only managed to stay that way for two weeks before he was first snorting heroin again and then back to shooting up and selling drugs

it was about 2 yrs later when he was 26 that he met his next bf while he was doing a deal at some seedy bar outside of town. they quickly fell into a completely unanticipated relationship–notably, julian’s first since his boyfriend’s death. in spite of that trauma and feeling guilty even as he did it, he started introducing this boyfriend to drugs. in his mind, it was kind of a thing where he fell in love really fast and really hard out of nowhere and he saw this sad little thing with no place to go and drugs are the only thing he’s ever known himself, so it was very natural to be like “here try this it helps” and also naively convincing himself he’d never let what happened before happen again

so 3 years later they’re living together and completely broke, living mostly off the money julian makes selling drugs and whatever else they can scrape up, when his bf decides he wants to do a road trip across the country. julian’s very impulsive, doesn’t really give a shit about anything in LA anyway, and to top it off has a hard time saying no to him. SO a road trip it is !! they make it all the way across the country before finally using up the last of their money and realizing they don’t have enough to get back

they stopped in north carolina for a while while julian saved up enough cash for them to at least get somewhere they liked better, which is how they wound up in baltimore !!

here their jeep completely broke down and julian sold it so that the money from that plus the money he made selling drugs they could put toward a deposit on an apartment

it’s in their heads to get back to la eventually, but baltimore is kind of their ~scene so julian’s in no hurry. he’s selling drugs again but they use a lot of what he’s supposed to sell so......they’re not going anywhere any time soon anyway ytseugukhej

PERSONALITY

so now that his lengthy as fuck background is over with………julian is an extremely EXTREMELY dry sarcastic person. the guilt over his bf has made him a hell of a lot worse, like his sense of humor is so so much darker than it was before that happened, but he’s honestly just a rly sarcastic person to begin with. he has some softness inside especially for people he rly cares abt, but you will not catch julian being sentimental or taking literally anything seriously unless you’ve managed to seriously worm your way into his heart

he’s not like a GRUMP tho at all he just….doesn’t take things seriously. he’s literally the embodiment of every bart simpson meme

“whatever my dude” is his aesthetic

he’s very careful about his drug dealing, he won’t go around talking about it or anything, he does it all under the radar as much as he can and especially having done it for so long now and having experienced a lot of traumatic crap, he’s pretty good at what he does and he won’t fuck with people he doesn’t trust

even when it’s warm it’s not totally unlikely to see him in long sleeves bc he has really bad track marks all over his arms from shooting up so much, especially in the early days when he was really bad at it

he absolutely will not talk about his past and if anything even close to it comes up in conversation he will skate right over that so qUICK ur head will spin

i think that’s IT FOR NOW if u made it this far i commend ur effort and attention span. im gna list some plots n stuff below ( beyond the song connections ) and hit me uP for some angst bc ya girl is here for the drama as usual

CONNECTION IDEAS

u can find song connections HERE

any and all drug related things !! people who buy from him ( especially weed, he’s a lot more lenient about to whom he sells weed as opposed to other stuff ), people he introduces to drugs, friends he actually does drugs with

he’s very dry and enigmatic but he’s also quite social so seriously give me friends for him. he’s high a LOT but not always and he likes being out doing stuff

definitely somebody or somebodies who don’t trust him and his drug addict bart simpson vibe please please give me people who don’t like him

along that same vein it takes a lot to get julian worked up and in fight mode bc he prefers to just let things roll off his shoulders but it would def be fun to have someone who gets him to that point

also somebody who?? maybe thinks they can “fix” him and genuinely does their best to try and persuade him to change his life and that it’s not too late to turn everything around ( this is basically the song connection medicine by daughter )

if ur muse is randomly from st louis missouri????? hit me up with a past connection from way back in julian’s childhood

also someone he went to high school with in LA if they’re from LA. this person would probably not be surprised at the way julian turned out ystefygdjhs

AND TL;DR BECAUSE THIS IS SO LONG

a drug addict and dealer who learned to take care of himself from an early age because of neglectful parents. got a boyfriend addicted to drugs and lost him to an overdose when he was in his early twenties, went to rehab, relapsed, met another bf years later with whom he decided to road trip across the country and got stuck in baltimore. dry, sarcastic, kind of a douche, epitome of every bart simpson meme, walking tragedy.

#soundintro #wow @ how much i ramble

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omegaling · 8 years ago

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Fix You, A Rey/Phillip Altman Story

Chapter Two: This Town

Read it on AO3 here

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Strong language, mentions of drug use, off-screen past abuse

"Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running round, It's funny how things never change in this old town."

Naill Horan, “This Town”

The next morning, Phillip sat in the Porsche after unceremoniously dumping Judd off at the ice rink. He took off his sunglasses despite the hangover headache throbbing behind his eyes, trying to convince himself to stay put. He didn’t know what would happen if he didn’t take his own advice; all he knew was that most likely lead to more problems with Tracy. He was already on dangerously thin ice with her; it would only take one more straw before it all broke beneath him. Or was that a straw on a horse’s back? He couldn’t remember. The damn hangover was muddling his thoughts, which was made even worse by his frustration from not only that morning’s fight with her, but from the rest of his family ganging up on him afterwards. He had thought that introducing Tracy to them would help save their relationship, which had been unraveling for some weeks now. Apparently he had been wrong; things were only getting worse.

Wrong. Wrong again. Like everything else.

Well, it wasn’t his fault that Chelsea came by to pay her respects. Sure, he knew she was still in the area - he spent enough time flirting with her over Facebook and Snapchat to not know what she was up to - so her showing up to shiva wasn’t that big of a surprise. Besides, it’s not like he made specific plans to hook up with her while he was here, so that had to count for something, right? The same went for Kelly. And Janelle. Plus whoever else might show up between now and this hell known as shiva would come to an end.

But Rey.

He hadn’t expected Rey, not in a million years.

Phillip let his head fall back against the leather seat. Seeing her not once, but twice in the same day after not seeing hide nor hair of her after seven years had been jarring to say the least. After everything that happened at the end of high school he had pretty much resigned himself to the fact that he’d never see her again. He had tried to apologize to her, right until the very end, but she had always been so damn stubborn that she wouldn’t even listen to him. For months afterwards he had successfully convinced himself that he had done all he could, and if she didn’t want to make amends, then fine, that was all on her. Then college had started - or, more accurately, two years of frat parties, smoking weed, and sleeping with so many girls that their faces and features all became one indistinguishable blur, with a smattering of classes here and there - and Rey gradually faded from his memory.

Except for the times she didn’t. There were nights when he’d find himself lying awake while the girl whose name he already forgotten snored next to him, suddenly remembering the late summer evenings reclining on the hood of his car, making up ridiculously raunchy stories about the star constellations while fireflies danced in the long grass around them. Snowball wars that would last for weeks before one of them finally called for a truce. Sneaking out of the house at eleven o’clock on a school night to meet her in that parking lot of Reggie’s Diner on the edge of town because she couldn’t stand to be in Unkar Plutt’s house another minute longer.

Then he would be up for the rest of the night, thinking about her, wondering if she was okay. Every so often he contemplated getting in contact with her again, but she seemed to avoid all forms of social media entirely. When he dared to ask people from high school if they heard anything about her or if they happened to know where she was, everyone acted like they didn’t know who he was talking about. It got to the point where he started to wonder if Rey had even been real at all.

Then suddenly she was back, out of the blue, and it was like an explosion had taken place in the middle of his life, leaving him dazed and disoriented. He even felt like his ears were ringing.

Of course, that could just be the hangover.

Phillip’s thoughts were interrupted by a deep growl, like the purring of a monstrous cat, that reverberated up from the street, making the whole Porsche vibrate. He cracked an eye open just in time to see a classic muscle car amble by to park on the opposite side of the street. Its sleek, shining body was painted autumn orange with black racing stripes starting at the hood and ran down the length of the car. Phillip didn’t harbor much love for classic cars - he preferred the modern look of Audis, BMWs and, of course, Porches - but even he couldn’t deny that the car was gorgeous. Even though he was certain he’d never seen it before, there was something about it that tickled the back of his memory. The closest thing he could think of was an old car someone from high school used to drive, though that one was a beat-up ugly thing with only the last traces of the original paint job clinging to it. What did they used to call that car? Oh yeah, The Beast. Driven by… Poe, wasn’t it? That’s right: Poe Dameron. Good guy, though not someone Phillip would have hung out with on a regular basis. Didn’t he go into the Air Force after graduation? He was about the wonder what Dameron was up to now when the driver’s side door opened and its owner swung out. Phillip laughed in spite of himself. Speak of the fucking devil.

Phillip couldn’t decide how close Poe looked to how he remembered him from high school - Poe had graduated a year ahead of him, and he hadn’t seen him since before he left for the military - but all of the important features were still there: the thick dark hair, copper skin, square jawline, and the smooth confidence of someone who already had worked out his place in the world. By all accounts he was one of those guys whom Phillip should have hated on principle, but one indisputable fact about Poe Dameron was that it was simply impossible for anyone to hate him. It went against the laws of nature or something.

Welcoming the distraction, Phillip killed the engine and jumped out of the Porsche, the keys still jammed in the ignition. He crossed the street in a few jogging steps, coming up on Poe before the other man knew he was there.

“Poe-fucking-Dameron!” Phillip said by way of the greeting. Poe swung around, an instant of confusion clouding his expression before recognition broke through.

“Hol-y shit. Phillip Altman!” Poe said, flashing him the grin that earned him the “Best Smile” yearbook honorarium his senior year. “Jesus, I haven’t seen you in an age. How have you been? Do you still live in the area?”

Phillip shrugged a shoulder, trying to play it cool, as though they were still in high school and Poe was still the coolest kid on campus. “It’s going. I’m only in town because my dad just died.”

Poe’s face fell. “Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that. How are you holding up?”

Another shrug from Phillip, although this one was stiffer due to the sudden tightness in his chest. “As best as I can, I guess. He was sick for a while, so it’s not like it came as a shock or anything. We have to sit shiva, though. We’re only on day three and I already feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“That’s rough,” Poe sympathized, and just like that the conversation went stagnant.

“So,” Phillip said after an awkward pause. “I see the Beast is still in commission. I was sure you’d have it put out of its misery by now.”

Poe stumbled backwards in faux shock, pressing a hand over his heart. “Get rid of the Beast? I would never! Sure she was a little rough around the edges, but she has yet to let me down.”

“It looks good now,” Phillip said appraisingly.

“Doesn’t she?” Poe asked as he ran a hand over the car’s roof. “This is how I always hoped she’d look someday, but I never had the time or money to put into it. A couple of friends fixed her up for me as a welcome home present when I got out of the Air Force a few years ago.”

Phillip saw a window of opportunity open, and he immediately jumped to take it. “Do you still see anyone from high school around?”

Poe tipped his head back, thinking. “Occasionally. It seems like more and more people have been trickling back to the area, like they’re realizing the real world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and are coming home to collect their bearings. I’m sure a good number of them will end up staying for good, even though we all swore up and down that would never happen. Didn’t think I’d ever end up back here myself, too much of a big world out there, you know? But I ended coming back for someone, and I haven’t regretted it since.”

“I...uh... was out with my family last night, and I saw Rey Jakken. Do you...know when she got back?”

There was an instant change in Poe’s whole demeanor. His smile vanished into a hard line as his open expression took on newer, sharper angles. It wasn’t a look of anger, so much, but it was a look Phillip was extremely familiar with; Wendy used to use it all the time, especially when she heard someone talking crap about her family. It was a look that said “tread carefully, because the next words out of your mouth could lead to an ass-kicking.”

“Listen, Phil…” Poe said slowly, evenly. “I don’t know what happened between you two in high school, and I’m sure you’re trying to mean well now, but I’m just going to say this once: leave her be. She’s been through a lot and is only just getting back on her feet. If she wants to reconnect with you, that’s her call. Just leave it at that. All right?”

Phillip scratched the back of his neck and averted his eye, his ears burning. While Rey’s avoidance of him the other day made it clear that she didn’t want to have anything to do with him, it hurt just a little more hearing it come from someone else.

Poe’s expression softened again. “I’m sorry, Phil. I don’t mean to come off as an asshole, but she’s my boyfriend’s best friend, and so we’re just trying looking out for her. And yes, you heard right, the rumors from high school about me being gay are actually true.”

“Oh… I didn’t mean…”

Poe shrugged again. “I know you didn’t. Hey, I need to get going. It was good seeing you, though. And sorry again about your dad. I’m sure Finn will give his condolences as well.”

Poe disappeared into a store, and Phillip slunk back to his car. Thoughts of Rey whirled in his mind as though they were caught in a tornado that was inside his head. What did Poe mean by “she’d been through a lot?” Had she been addicted to drugs? Alcohol? Had she been homeless after she ran away? During high school she got busted a few times for shoplifting, but it was always for things she needed that Plutt wouldn’t provide for her, like tampons or new socks, but could she have spent time in jail for something more serious? She looked good when he saw her yesterday, both in her sun dress and later in her street clothes, but he knew that didn’t mean jack. Things like nice clothing, a fancy house or an expensive car were always the easiest ways to cover up just how fucked up someone really was. Just look at his family.

Phillip scratched at his arm. He felt like his skin was crawling from the inside. He needed a release, and bad. His first thought was to get a drink somewhere, but his tenderized stomach rolled at the thought. He had a stash of weed he brought with him back at the house, but he didn’t want to risk smoking it with his mother, Paul and Tracy just waiting for another chance to eviscerate him for being an irresponsible degenerate during shiva. His only other option was to get laid. That was out of the question with Tracy - he knew that she would leave him blue balling for at least a week, and that was if she was especially forgiving - but Chelsea’s condo was only a few blocks from here… And she had outright said that he needed to do something fun to help him with all the grieving…

Then Rey’s face materialized at the forefront of his thoughts, her expression blank but her eyes a kaleidoscope of hurt and resentment, watching him from the end of a long, locker-lined hallway.

Phillip smacked his open palm of his hand against the steering wheel of his car, the sting helping clear his head a little bit. Damn her. Damn her for just waltzing back into his life like this. Damn her for being so tragic and growing up to be so beautiful. Damn her for being able to make him him acknowledge what an awful person he really was.

Knowing that there was no way he could get it up now even if he did make it to Chelsea’s, Phillip turned the key in the ignition, the Porsche’s engine a small, tinny sound compared to the deep-throated growl of The Beast. He swung the car around in a sloppy u-turn, the front tire striking the opposite curb as he did so, and sped off back to the ice-rink, not giving a single flying fuck about the enraged brother he was sure to find there.

#omegaling writes #star wars crossover fanfiction #this is where i leave you #rey #phillip altman #rey x phillip

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