#pls know i'm a HUGE stolitz supporter and fan and all that jazz and obviously I love Stolas

[botanikos]

I haven't found a very articulate way of putting any of this, so bear with me if it seems chaotic. Much of what I'm about to talk about is very canon/in alignment with what we know and come to learn about Stolas, especially with The Full Moon & Apology Tour, but I am also going into length because of the relevance this all has with my portrayal at times. Apologies if you choose to read this and find it an absolute fucking MESS because I will do a lot of jumping and back-tracking.

This post also acts as a sort of "Do not ask me who I blame, I will point both fingers at Stolas and Blitz respectively. It takes two to Tango." Neither of them is exempt from the hurtful things they said and did. I said what I said.

I mentioned a while back and in my rules that this blog would include an exploration of emotional themes, including depression and anxiety. And yes, I will discuss and explore the abuse from Stella on occasion too. That being said, I want to take a minute and just let it really sink in that the Stolas we first come to know is such an actor, a (sometimes unwilling) participant in his very own play (life). He thrives in the theatrics he puts on and the telenovelas he watches because they are how he processes and copes.

Is Stolas a hypersexual innuendo slinging, touch-starved, love-bombing, thespian bird-nerd? Absolutely. That's who he is to the very heart and core (and more, but that isn't the point here). But I also think these elements are what he puts forward as a sort of armor. He makes sweeping motions and behaves a certain way to appear perfectly well kept and a little obnoxious. If it looks intentional, no one can/will know the truth. And that truth is that he is hurting. He is falling apart. Has been for some time, and especially is after The Full Moon & Apology Tour episodes. The truth is: he is either not enough, or is always far too much.

Now, reiterating that Stolas has A LOT to unpack, unlearn, and understand about his own actions and internalized conceptions. He has done a great deal of harm to Blitz and likely countless others, even if he didn't realize it at the time.

But in The Full Moon during WHEN I SEE HIM, Stolas literally mentions how nervous he is and that anything else is literally a disguise.

"I'll believe him and not the voice that says I'm not enough."

He actively begins to panic upon the realization that his medication is out. Stolas climbs into the refrigerator and says "I'll fucking die alone if this goes bad when I see him tonight."

To take this a step further, Stolas even equates himself to a monster with the line "Would he want me if he was free? And if he's only here as a prisoner, what kind of monster does that make me?"

He comes to terms with the fact that what they had going on was wrong, that he took advantage of a situation, of Blitz. And while Stolas harbored feelings for him for quite some time, it's obvious he never truly committed to the idea or possibility of a genuine relationship with him until much later (arguably, maybe, after the embarrassment for them both at Ozzie's).

So now we are witnessing Stolas unraveling. We are seeing him more thoroughly, for who he truly is, and the negative and flawed qualities he bears.

Feelings of inadequacy / insecurity

Anxiety

Impulsivity

Perfectionism

Selfishness

At a young age, we see a very eager-to-please and curious Stolas. He's excitable and even appears quite happy! But the crushing weight of his status and position quickly fell down fast when he was shown a picture of a young Stella, and told he would be marrying her. Basically, his entire life was lined up with purpose and expectations for him. Despite that, he still grew to be quite a character and I like to think he still catered to his individuality in some ways. This also supports his impulsivity, as a means to give some semblance of control back to himself. He very much acts in the moment and before fully fully analyzing anything, which brings us to The Full Moon, in which he's had time to realize and ruminate, and is now in a sort of distress about it all coming forward.

Now, I personally headcanon that even before Stella and Stolas started spending more time together that he already dealt with blows to his self-esteem and image. He was respected by name and rank alone, but not entirely liked. He also received quite a bit of open criticism and ridicule for his interests and mannerisms. Thus, he is far more comfortable in the seclusion of his home, surrounded by books and artifacts than the shimmering aristocracy of parties. There were times, however, where he could make a flourishing fool of himself in their favor, or charm people into small bursts of engagement, but he wore himself out quite quickly, and would have to find a way to retreat. Once Stella came into the picture, it was much easier to find these events loathsome in their entirety as he endured open harassment and personal jabs at even the most private of matters from her.

There were times during his childhood, their engagement, and their marriage in which Stolas dealt with the pressing weight of inadequacy. These feelings took the forefront as he assumed he simply wasn't enough of a partner, enough of a Goetia, enough of an astronomer, enough of a son, enough of anything, really. Nothing he ever did pleased her, and he was never quite sure where he fell in line with his father. So as time went on, he just cautiously assumed that he couldn't possibly live up to anyone's standards, regardless of their position in his life. It's true, he thinks highly of himself and of his abilities, but none of that is structurally sound where it matters most.

Stolas is selfish. This falls in line with the impulsivity, naturally, but he is absolutely selfish. He is always seeking attention, especially from Blitz and is inconsiderate of his boundaries in the beginning. This is especially present in just how often he seeks Blitz out, his continued sexual ramblings over the phone in the first episode, and the list goes on. I do not think his selfishness is done with malice, but it's no excuse, either. The initial transactional exchange between them is also not just selfish, but manipulative. And he comes to realize this! It's phenomenal development!

But it's still a fatal flaw, and as Stolas becomes more aware of himself and his own negative traits, it creates a sort of spiral. Returning us back to the center of it all with his feelings of inadequacy. Because of all of these flaws, because of everything he has said or done, even in taking that leap by freeing Blitz of that exchange and expressing his love for him, Stolas still doesn't believe himself worthy of Blitz's love, or anyone else's for that matter.

You know what I'm just ending this whole thing here coz I feel like I'm gonna go on a huge tangent and I'm not making any sense. I'll explain things in headcanons and asks if anyone's ever curious or when I wanna explore those moods. Lmao