#please anyone here who likes LoZ in any way shape or form be it only via the games/manga/through LU or other Link's meets aus

[summertimemusician]

Hero's Purpose Episode 6 Release Date

WE ARE SO BACK

[behind-the-scenes-of-dl]

Before we start, I wanna clear some things up. 

~~

Lore- Logan

Dusk- Lewis

Gen- Len

Speck- Lex

Ocarina- Lee

Mask- Lloyd

RGBV- Red = Lucas, Blue= Liam, Vio =  Luca, Green = Levi

Sketch- Laurence

Realm- Lincoln

Wind- Linus

Steam- Lucius

Shadow- Lance

Oni- Lazlo

~~

SS Zelda- Zinnia

FS Zelda- Zoe

MC Zelda- Zoey

OoT/MM Zelda- Zara

TP Zelda- Zahra

FSA Zelda- Zariya

LTTP/OoA/OoS/LA Zelda- Zyunko

LBW Zelda- Zendaya

LoZ/AoL Zelda- Zelda

WW/PH Zelda (Tetra)- Zayomara

ST Zelda- Zia

~~

His eyes opened widely, hair clinging to him as a thick layer of sweat dripped down his face. Staring blankly at the ceiling, he felt his hands gain life, raising them to his face and wiping what he could away before sitting up and gripping his sheets.' The same one again…' he thought to himself, wiping his face dry and getting down from his bed. He blinked his eyes rapidly, stumbling his way to his bathroom. Opening the door, he made eye contact with the mirror. Heavy bags laid below his eyes, his dyed pink hair messily laid around his head and his shirt hung loosely on his shoulders. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and released the air. He opened them again, staring at himself in the mirror. "So, the audition is today…?" He asked himself. He flinched as he felt fur collide with his leg and small purrs emitted from the animal.

Turning behind him, he saw a kitten rubbing its face. "Snow, you scared me", he said, bending down and petting the cat.

~~

Breathing heavily, hands shaking and sweat dripping down his face, Logan turned the knob of the large building door and entered, eyes closed tightly. "Hey!" Logan flinched, as an average height pale skinned brunette walked towards him. "Are you here for the auditions?" They asked, clipboard in hand, pencil tucked behind their ear. "Y… yes, my-my name is… Lo-Logan Lore…" he muttered out silently, his voice drowned out by the busy room and loud speaking. The brunette still nodded, carefully taking him to a separate room and closing the door, the sounds from the previous room drowned out. "Now, repeat your name, please? I couldn't hear it too well." They said slowly, sitting behind the desk at a far side of the room.

Logan took measured steps forward and sat down at a chair near the desk. "Logan Lore" he said a bit louder, eyes darting across the room. "Can… can anyone-" he was cut out by the brunette shaking their head. "No, they can't hear us. You don't have to be afraid here, I'm the only one here."

Lore tried to speak but his throat felt clogged up, stammering and stuttering, gibberish flowing from his mouth, rather than words.

"I'll start then, to give you some time to breathe." They said, sitting down in an office chair just big enough for two people. Logan decided to sit down in one of the normal school chairs present in the office, taking note of how this looked like the principal's office in a highschool. "My name is Charlotte Chai," they started off, hand extended for a hand shake, round green eyes staring softly at him. He shook their hand, only lasting a few seconds before they let go. "I'm the director of the show we're making here." He nodded and held up a flier. The audition flier. "I guessed as much," they said, smiling. "What did you say your last name is?"

"Lore…" he muttered out.

"I see. You wanna go over the lines, see if you're fit for any roles? Or would you like some tea first?"

"Tea…" he muttered out again, moving his chair closer to the desk. A knock sounded from outside and Logan ducked his head just as a child, no older than 13, entered, some pastries in hand. "I made everyone snacks"

"Ah, thank you Lincoln, you can leave them right there." The child, Lincoln, nodded and set them down, closing the door before leaving again. Logan peeked at the plate of pastries and saw some sword and shield shaped cookies. He chuckled silently. "You want to try one?" Charlotte asked, which scared Logan. "I… sure." He said, not looking at Charlotte. He quickly nabbed a shield from the plate which made Charlotte laugh a bit. " It makes sense you picked a shield." "Huh?... Why?"

"Because you've been hiding from me the whole time you sat here."

Logan flinched a bit and looked down, muttering apologies, which caused the brunette to laugh a bit more. "It's alright, I'm not judging. Just an observation." They said, grabbing a cookie from the pile. "How good are you at acting?"

"I'm not", Logan answered.

"Why are you here then?"

"I… I wanted to see if I'd get the part." He paused. "Make some friends."

"Well, if that's all, you can go outside. There are 16 people, a good majority of them are children, and they're the ones who see if you should or should not be in the show. Well, mostly Lewis and Lance."

Logan felt his stomach drop and he slowly stood up, shuffling to the door. Before he could open it, he heard the rattle of the door knob and the door flung open, slamming into him and, due to the heaviness of the door, getting thrown into the wall.

The air was knocked from his lungs and he gasped for air. He slid down the wall, clutching his chest; he was pretty sure he cracked a rib or something, and he could feel the blood - or was it snot?- dripping down his nose. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry!" Someone said from the door. He could hear Charlotte run over from their spot on the desk, another voice come from behind the door, more angry- was it at him?- but he couldn't understand what he said. He blinked his eyes a couple of times and his eyes managed to focus, ears ringing slightly.

"Y… ok?"

He nodded once and held his head, a bump was already starting to form.

"That was a bad throw, Lewis be more careful next time" Charlotte scolded a tall man; no, he only looked tall. Lore could stand beside him and be taller, even if by a bit. He felt a hand on the back of his head, Charlotte's hand, he recognized it from earlier, and then his forehead was rested on said brunette's shoulder. Warmth crept up to his face, cheeks dusted in a light pinkish hue. He felt slim fingers play around with his hair and he flushed even more, his entire face burning up even more. He tried to speak, his voice trapped, but Charlotte seemed to understand. Soon he heard sirens, an ambulance, most likely, and he counted the seconds before a doctor showed up.

He couldn't hear what the doctor was saying too, well, Charlotte was expressionless the whole time, so even then he couldn't read their body language. He just hid behind his turtleneck sweater and waited for the day to end already. He hid and waited. And waited. Soon enough he got bored of waiting, thinking of ways to pass the time. Back at home, Snow was being taken care of by his roommate, whom he hadn't been able to see in several days but he knew he'd pass by; he'd leave small post it notes with words of encouragement and little doodles on the front page of his notebooks- he almost always used the art one, whether it was hidden away in Logan's closet or not. He could never say he hated his roommate, but they didn't spend that often together. Logan would always hide away while Ravio- was that his name or was it something else?- had been outside making him breakfast and then heading to work.

How was he doing? Was he ok? Did he need help? Maybe he did and Lore was here, sitting in a comfortable chair in his boss' office with 3 stitches and a bandage on his head.

"I came as fast as I could-" Ravio came charging in, he had not dressed properly, his hair was disheveled, Snow sat on his hoodie pockets, the small teacup cat purring softly in her sleep. Logan gasped happily and scooped up his kitten, petting her as she positioned herself again, small ears twitching slightly. He could hear the muffled noises of Ravio talking to Charlotte. He didn't focus on them, his kitten was here, that's all he needed.

For now…

[luminisvii]

So it’s pretty late right now and I’m liberally using the Bold function, but let’s talk about bad fanfiction.

Usually the first thing that springs to mind when it comes to bad fanfiction is My Immortal. Anyone who’s talked to me for more than five minutes knows that My Immortal is undoubtedly one of my favorite pieces of literature. And that’s not a joke, I think it’s an absolute masterpiece of bad. The misspellings, the reworkings of the characters to be goth/scene in an incredibly middle school way, to Marty McFly’s cameo to the chapter written by a self proclaimed troll--It’s a perfect storm of bad literature that makes for a hilarious read. I won’t get into a huge tangent but what makes My Immortal so funny is it has a certain level of naturalness to its writing where you’re never quite sure how serious the author is. The true joke is the mystery. We’ll never know who wrote the infamous fic and how serious they were when they did.

However, My Immortal is kind of scratching the surface. See, that’s a fic that’s actually funny bad. Most bad fanfiction is bad bad. Today, I intend to discuss the lesser known fanfic that I rank as being one of the most difficult reading experiences I ever had, and I only successfully pulled through after many years thanks to the love and support of my friends and us reading it out loud at 4 AM.

That fanfic is known as My Inner Life. Don’t let the title fool you, it was written well before our favorite goff showcase and it’s honestly a whole lot worse. This Legend of Zelda fic, written by one Jen and based on her dreams, features a young lady named Jenna who is a simple merchant traveling in Hyrule when one Link catches her eye and it goes downhill from there. The short version is that there’s a lot of overly dramatic sex, tedious clothes descriptions that include too many triforces, poor treatment of horses, Jenna getting praised and lavished with attention for no reason, and no research put into the lore.  After a while it straight up forgets about being an Ocarina of Time fanfic and launches off into some nonsense about griffins and an evil lord I can’t actually remember the name of (It was very late and I was very tired so I called him Lord Asshole after a while, it has the same effect) and also that The Griffins, who live just beyond the Black Mountains, do not trust easily.

If you wish to read it, you should probably quit now, but if you are too weak (which is honestly understandable) here’s my recounting of the story.

Where to start is a little bit hard, but a good place is the insane 2,000 word author’s note at the beginning. Jen, seemingly unaware of how thin skinned she’s being, goes on about how anyone who leaves her a negative review is being is immature and thin-skinned. Here’s a delightful excerpt that shows the author’s view on all of this!

“Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story. I got one reviewer that said. “Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone.” Now I want to know where I physically touched that person. I want to know how I’m twisting anyone’s arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or form and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that! If you’re emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine.”

She spends quite a bit of time talking about how reviewers need to be more mature as she dedicates that much time to complaining about negative reviews and methodically rebuking everything they say from her poor grammar to Jenna being a Mary Sue. Now, props to the author for straight up saying that Jenna is the obvious author avatar that she is--Jenna is simply the dream persona of Jen, which okay, fine, that is not that bad. It’s what happens with Jenna that really makes me want to drink.

The other majorly telling factor is the first line of the story itself.

“Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feels very real.”

You may have noticed a redundancy there. That is only the beginning. If you get tired of hearing about the same things repeatedly, you will be VERY tired very quickly in here. Jen likes to constantly explain things to the point where she has footnotes in the story, and just after citing a footnote she explains what was cited in text anyway so now you have a double explanation.

“A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE.”

I love quoting that. I’m also not sleeping so I guess I don’t know the meaning of true love.

Anything beyond this point is where I start to die because I actually grew up playing Ocarina of Time and I’m quite well versed in its lore, so if you are too this is going to be about as pleasant as root canal.

Since me recounting everything in detail means we’d be here into the next year, I’m going to try to boil this down to its essence. TL;DR: Jenna meets Link and they fuck. Badly. A month later and they’re getting married so they can fuck more. This whole time you have King Hyrule who is treating a random merchant off the street better than Zelda, the Sages are just inexplicably back despite now residing in the Sacred Realm. Zelda also inherently gives up the throne because she will not marry and thus is no longer in the line of succession but this random guy from Kokiri Forest who married a random merchant is! Ruto is turned into a jealous harpy and the other sages hardly appear at all.

After they get married they go to the part where I quit the first time I started reading this fic which was the Bonding Ceremony. If getting married to a guy you met a month ago wasn’t enough, going to a monastery and getting telepathically bonded by drinking his piss sure is. Okay, it’s not JUST the piss drinking, but that was enough to make poor 2014 me stop trying and go lie down. They also fuck in front of the monks because that’s a thing straight people do, I guess.

Somewhere in there Jenna gets pregnant and has a child. She names the child Link Jr. I don’t have anything to say about that, I think it’s comedy in itself. On top of that Epona also gets pregnant so they get new horses named Midnight Star and Star Dancer. That’s not an important detail at all, my friend simply hates those horse names and I’m bringing them up on the off chance that she reads this.

Oh yeah, Dark Link is an antagonist at one point and he inexplicably talks exactly like a stereotypical villain and ties Link and Jenna up in a room and leaves them there for no reason like a small time crook leaving Batman in a cage with all his gizmos nearby. And turns out Jenna has magical powers and is from some ancient race of super people or whatever. They have to explain this over and over again in the same few paragraphs and I want to die.

Beyond all the bad sex that has tiger metaphors (Somehow Jen knows how tigers fuck) there’s the Original Material which had me crying more than the tragedy that was the remain of OoT’s story. Once we get tired of Link and Jenna’s love story and Tiger Sex, there’s suddenly an invasion from Lord Ariakas who is threatening the Griffins who live beyond the Black Mountains, just a day’s ride from Hyrule. He’s just some evil guy who threatens the Griffins, who do not trust easily, and who live near The Black Mountains. If you think redundancy is painful then prepare for the worst redundancy you’ve seen yet. I went insane when we were reading this and tallied all the times The Black Mountains are mentioned and turns out it was a whole lot less than I thought, but almost all of them happened in a short amount of time so it felt like an eternity of explaining The Black Fucking Mountains. Turns out I’m a masochist of sorts because this STILL didn’t shake me off. In order to repel Lord Arakias’ forces, Link and Jenna need to talk to the Griffins who like to make a big deal about how they don’t trust anyone as they instantly trust Jenna and let her into their royal court to give her support and magical gifts. It’s kind of incredible how Jenna does nothing and is constantly rewarded for it.

Sadly this ends in a cliffhanger, like all good terrible fanfics. But that’s a semi-coherent retelling of the actual plot. It takes way too long to explain any of these plot points in story. Characters constantly repeat themselves, there’s a bunch of small plot points I left out because we’d REALLY be here all year if we talked about this, there’s the original material where I have to give credit that she went and did this BUT ALSO DID YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS MANY TIMES WHAT THE BLACK FUCKING MOUNTAINS ARE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I’m not okay. Time for some deeper analysis of particularly notable parts.

The sex scenes are sadly some of the less entertaining sections. They’re pretty boring for the most part, but then you have shit like “I turned tigress” and my personal favorite, “when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.” That exact sentence shows up TWICE in the fic, same wording and everything. Remember this, ladies, next time you have sex with a man, caress his nut sack. It’ll be his undoing. It’s not just the silly wording, though, there’s some stupid stuff in there too about how having sex makes your children stronger and also exactly how much fluid Jenna is ejecting which is a little bit alarming to say the least. Otherwise they’re a bit bland and use the same flowery language that you’d expect from poorly written erotica. Also they fuck in front of a bunch of monks. It’s for the bonding.

If you’re into LoZ lore then you’re going to have a bad time, too. My favorite thing is showing people the segment where Jenna explains how the OoT timeskip works because it makes zero sense to everyone, OoT fan or not. Let’s take a quick history lesson for OoT if you’re not familiar with it. In Ocarina of Time, a major plot point and element of gameplay is that Link travels between past and future in a seven year gap. From Link’s point of view, the change is instantaneous, right down to the fact that his age changes from child to adult and vice versa. To everyone else, they’re living those seven years. Time continues without Link there to observe it, and in Link’s absence Hyrule collapses. Thus is the plot--trying to stop Ganondorf from destroying the future with a power that Link and Zelda accidentally gave him. The point is all Non-Link people experience time normally, and the world moves on.

Somehow Jenna missed something that I inherently understood when I was a wee child of 8, barely able to play Ocarina of Time due to poor reading comprehension and lack of Zelda Puzzle Solving Skills™.

“Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm. I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.

After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years.  It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world.”

I’m not sure I really understand still. I’ve read this so many times trying to comprehend and maybe I’m just stupid but this doesn’t scan. But when you time travel it should affect the whole world or else that’d be pretty fucked. Back To The Future would be pretty wack if only Hill Valley was sent back to the 50s but everywhere else was still 80s.

God, I spent too much time on this. It still hurts my brain.

I also just have to have a section where I metaphorically hand Zelda a box of chocolates and a check for 5,000 dollars for even being in this mess. The real MVP of the story is Zelda for tolerating all this bullshit. She has to watch her father treat Jenna better than her, she gives Jenna a bracelet from her mother who is dead for Jenna’s wedding, she has to passively accept that because she isn’t married she’s lost her claim to the throne and it’s being handed over to Link and Jenna because despite both of them being nobodies they’re more legitimate heirs to the throne than the king’s own daughter. She also has to be the one to help Jenna birth her baby and it’s maybe a little bit weird to have the princess of a nation be your personal midwife. Even if she is your so called best friend. Were I ever in the circumstances of giving birth, I wouldn’t make my friends help. Please get an actual nurse. Also for some reason Jenna won’t stop calling her baby a miracle and it’s done so frequently it’s a little off-putting. Even the chapter where the child is born is called “The Miracle” like idk I know life is mysterious and miraculous but I’m not sure giving birth, something a lot of cis woman can do, is a “miracle.” Me not sobbing while reading this is a miracle. Zelda, honey, you deserve so much better.

I’m running out of things that will actually last a paragraph or so tangent wise, so time to wrap things up with smaller notes:

-Jenna thinks that you boot horses in the knees to get them moving. You are probably not riding a horse right if you can kick it in the knees while sitting on its back. That’s not even getting into other horse related mishaps like the fact that kneecapping them isn’t a good idea either.

-Link Jr. is capable of math at like, four months or something. I wish I was that talented.

-Ruto is my wife and I will not stand for this slander against her. Yeah, call me a fish fucker if you want, Sidon is cute too don’t @ me

-Take a shot every time Jenna mentions triforces on her outfit (actually don’t)

-Jenna makes a big deal about how Link has to go off to war and how she’ll miss him and he’ll miss her and it’s all very emotional but he’s back literally the next chapter

-One of my favorite moments is Mido rightfully pointing out that Jenna isn’t a Kokiri and thus has no right to receive a fairy but everyone thinks he’s being super rude for actually having common sense. They barely gave LINK a fairy and he grew up there!

-I inflicted this on my friends and it went as well as you’d think it would. Quote supplied by Jen who is not THAT Jen but a far superior one

-Somewhere in the fic suddenly Link and Zelda’s eyes are capable of changing color based on mood, or maybe they could do this the whole time and my eyes were changing based on mood alright, they were glazing over and I missed it

-Jen always types “threw” instead of “through” and it’s just enough to throw me off every time. Also every time a character starts a new sentence she starts another set of quotations even if they were already talking and occasionally she misspells “huge” as “hugh” which leads to some hilarious circumstances

-THEY DRANK EACH OTHER’S PISS

-Apparently when you are telepathically bonded with your Husband/Wife you aren’t allowed to be in a room with someone of the opposite sex AT ALL. Personally I think that reeks of insecurity

-Also because a good pal loses her shit every time we mention it, Jen couldn’t come up with a marriage ceremony that wasn’t just a christian one for a universe where christianity doesn’t exist, but she sure likes to put world building into those DAMN GRIFFINS

All in All? My Inner Life is not for the weak willed. It is INCREDIBLY long and redundant and while it’s still pretty funny, it’s mostly plain terrible. I consider is a much better showcase of what bad fanfiction is actually like, and also since it’s of a more standard awful, it means people can’t badly parody it while missing the point as to why it’s funny. So at least there will only be one My Inner Life and no imitators.

Seriously, I hate My Immortal imitators. Write your own terrible fanfiction, damn you! If I had a shot for every time a fanfic was compared to My Immortal I would be dead six years ago. Getting compared to MI is not a good thing, but not for the reasons you’d think. At least My Inner Life only shares the basic premise of a self insert character and the rest is a ride of complete bullshit that’s par the course for terrible Mary Sue fiction. Everyone loves Jenna for no reason and those who voice the valid concerns against her are seen as unreasonable and stupid. Characters are bent backwards to serve the threadbare plot and apparently Jenna’s love life alone is enough to constitute half of the story before we just plain forget it’s a Legend of Zelda fanfic and it goes off into some generic high fantasy horse crap with dragons and Griffins and some evil guy like what even is his name and it all ends without any real closure.

However if you are strong enough or maybe just a masochist (me) I highly recommend this fic for just being a test of endurance and also for all the funny little moments sprinkled throughout. It’ll certainly be a waste of time and it’s a good thing to read with friends. While it’s an oldie, it’s a goodie, and no one comes out unscathed.

Also the author apparently is a good sport about it now, although who knows. It’s just a thing I heard. While I like making fun of Jen throughout reading the fic, she doesn’t seem awful. Just perhaps young and unaware.

Truly, the real treasure was the piss we drank along the way. I’m sorry I will never be over that

[noomyz]

AW FUCK

Hero's Purpose Episode 6 Release Date

WE ARE SO BACK