#physical money helps me understand better that I'm losing something in order to receive something else

[chaosisdying]

I think I've gained too much confidence with money💀 I hate it sbwhsjnw I'm too impulsive. I shouldn't spend too much money. but my mind thinks otherwise when it sees The Object at a """reasonable""" price

GRRRRRRR

[mynarcissticex]

I wrote this letter today to my NEX. I want to send it to him so badly, but I'm several weeks NC today, and I just want to stay strong. But THIS is how I truly feel...

To Matt the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with -

To begin, let me say that I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's for me, I suppose, as I have so many feelings and emotions bottled up that I feel like I may explode so much truth unravelled lately and I feel disappointed with you because I ignored all those red flags... This week marks my 9 weeks of therapy, and I know that I've been advised to have absolutely "no contact," but I feel like I'm not being true to myself. Or, maybe, it is a lack of self-respect and self-love, and I still have work to do. I truly don't know.

I've never before experienced a soul trauma, despite the abuse I suffered as a child and my ex husband but that was physical never emotional and financial as it was with you I could get over that so easily, I've never in my life been spoken to and treated so horribly as you did to me. It's hard to accept that the person who I loved so much and was loyal to didn't love me at all. When it was "good," it felt so very real. A total mind fuck is what it was. It poured fuel on the fire of every single insecurity I held deep within - my stomach, aging, my fear of abandonment, never being worthy of love, etc. - and it burned what was left of my heart until it no longer felt like insecurities, it became my truth.

I've tried to hate you. God KNOWS I've tried. Yet the empath in me still forgives you. I know the things you've suffered. I know that your head is mixed up with those awful disorders in a way that I can never possibly understand. I know I TRIED to understand. However, despite what any of us have been through, we do have responsibility for our actions. We make choices. To hurt someone and not apologize is a decision. One that we have to live with everyday. You’re a narcissist and very complexed, I know that all of this means nothing to you. You can't feel emotions the way that I do. You can't feel love for someone like I do. You can't reciprocate the love that you're given. If anything, I feel sorry for you, as that must be an awful way to live.

Granted, the reassurance I so desperately needed from you for so long probably made you think I was weak. A poor, wounded soul, and in a lot of ways, I was. I'm a fixer - of situations and people. A giver and I gave you my ALL for 5.5 years whilst battling another nightmare I fought hard to get out of to make you happy but when I told you in the end you ran away like you never knew me at all rather than save me and protect me you just didn’t care, The trauma bond you created for me caused me to run after you for years even when I felt like I was losing you I didn’t want to be alone but you made me feel alone I was nothing to you but a meal ticket. All The times that you gave me the silent treatment, left without fighting for me, and the nights crying myself to sleep and you didn’t care. You felt like I wasn't respecting your space, and I felt like I was trying to save what was left of US. I'm not apologetic for that, because I did love you, and I truly thought you were worth fighting for ONCE, but I do regret all the time that I wasted. It made you angrier and me sadder. Because you proclaimed I was your soul mate but it was all part of your plan to get what you wanted.

I definitely wasn't perfect. The turmoil of being your "Soulmate and bunny" brought out the worst in me as well. I've forgiven myself, though, as it was just me - a kind heart reacting to a very unkind situation. I was loyal to you and expected the same. It was gut-wrenching to know that the person I loved still had a Tinder account "just in case" and would leave me silently with no warning and to be with her without any remorse, and although I forgave you for breaking my heart and gave you another chance it reaffirmed why I shouldn’t of. I never, ever cheated.. I only ever spoke to my male friend after we had declared that we were done...again. I then realised the reason you could never trust me is because you couldn’t be trusted and you projected that on to me throughout our relationship to cover up your wrongdoings. This is a letter I won't ever even send to you. It kills me that you don't care enough to wonder about me, and I can't pretend to understand that, but what I can do is accept it for what it is. It’s been 6 months but I’ll never be over the violation you did to me last year it sickens me.

At first, I wanted karma to really give you back everything you dished out, but that negativity and thought process was eating me alive. Now, because we are not the same, I simply pray for you. I pray that you're able to become the man I thought you were someday. While it breaks my heart - or what's left of it - to think you might be better to someone else one day, I hope you are. I hope you're motivated to overcome your demons to receive the love that every human being deserves. I hope whoever it is loves you as much as I did. I hope you love them the way that I loved you - flaws and all. I wish you happiness, and I seek the same. But you have to get help first and so much of it even though I don’t think you can be helped you live in denial and aren’t accountable for your abusive ways to anyone.

I can never forget the damage done to me by staying with you for aslong as I did, but I forgive you...for me. You don't deserve that forgiveness but for my own sanity I grant it in order to move forward.

I hate that we didn't work out I fought so hard to fix you and save you but you only wanted my money and you proved that in the end, but I learned valuable lessons from it all, and I now understand that you were meant to be a part of my journey regardless. It's all part of My greater plan for my life. You’ve taught me to now educate people in narcissism in a hope I can save another person from the hell you put me through I was lucky to survive all I did with you... and I now live to tell my story.

I hope you get the therapy you really need and the medication instead of battling your demons. You can’t love anything unless there’s something in it for you and you can’t fill your void with money, drugs, women or motorbikes. And one day you will thank me for never putting you in prison for your crimes to me. You were lucky because I didn’t want to put myself through that again with another man. Instead I gave you the chance to get the long awaited help you really are in desperate need of.

Sincerely,

The Woman You Lost the woman you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and you would never hurt but you did and pillaged my life.