#perhaps I shouldn't be denying myself this so much. maybe it's about balance. i think that's it. i don't have to be the Perfect Nice Smart
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why am i surprised that i feel so wonderful when someone validates the thing i spent my entire life building a false identity on
#i've spent so much of my life having this facade of the perfect smart nice child that healing has meant accepting that i am not that.#or that i don't Have to be that. and have been excruciatingly letting other people know about my darker thoughts and somehow. this makes#them (the ones who don't fucking suck anyway) admire me more for being so nice because they know it's hard for me?#i've been trying to extend myself less and build identity around other things but i forgot how wonderful the supply is. christ#like. i didn't really care that i was helping them i didn't have anything else better to do. but then they said i was really nice and one of#the nicest people they've ever met and i am beside myself#perhaps I shouldn't be denying myself this so much. maybe it's about balance. i think that's it. i don't have to be the Perfect Nice Smart#Child and maybe being that doesn't make me better than anyone else. but it still is very very nice to have my efforts appreciated#ranbara! ranbara!#<- talking to myself tag
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