#partially i feel like a failure vibes partially life sucks vibes

[glowingreverie]

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[bash-makes]

Hellooo

So last November I went to Light Box and then the animation industry imploded and then my IPad Pro got wrecked because I spilled a half gallon of water on it (hehe splash splash :’) :’) :’) ) then I got in a car accident (Rear ended off freeway, no injuries, but this caused other problems) and then I sliced off the tip of one of my fingers (OOOOOUGH.) I was burnt out on life.

Then I decided to focus hard on being a Neurology Scribe which has been really cool and illuminating and I’m seeing crazy stuff on a near daily basis.

Getting out of my head, helping the community, learning a whole bunch! I even got all these great patient quotes = (HIPAA COMPIANT)

Learning how to call for a rapid response after a patient was misdiagnosed by the Emergency Department and was actively having a stroke.

Meeting people with rare diseases and sharing in their hardships.

Watching patients who looked close to death recover (Hooray!)

Meeting patients who are not going to make it but were coping.

Everything in between.

Healthcare “Tea”

Helping 60 to 200 people per week

Learning how to write medical charts and fight insurance companies. This is the favorite part of my job.

Learning that most people are chill and just want to vibe. Sometimes they’ll even give you gifts!

Learning to manage my own health anxieties through constant exposure to my own mortality :) :’)

Standing up for trans patients and helping them feel safe.

Funny quotes like: “I knew something was wrong because he couldn’t remember the president’s name and he *hates* the president.” “Yeah I have kidney failure and I’m in my 80’s I just want to feed people chocolate chip cookies and then die.” “HA HA, WOW! (Points) Look at that! I have a hole in my brain!” “Hole in my brain? Well, that explains why I’m so weird.” (Grandma spins) I still got it! (Grandma runs) Look how fast I can go, bye. ( Dementia patient suddenly becomes flight risk) “There is a ghost who keeps showing up and singing “Buffalo Gals” on repeat please make it STOP.” “Doctor, my husband is out of control. We went to my mother’s funeral and he wouldn’t stop pointing and laughing.” ”Because it was /FUNNY/!” (Laughing) Patient: “If I vigorously stimulate the nerve endings in my butt, will that be good for my autonomic nervous system?” Doctor: “I… I mean… It wouldn’t hurt?” (Partially disassociating to maintain professionalism.” Me: (Deeply disassociating to maintain professionalism” ARNP: (Deeply disassociating to maintain professionalism.” Doctor: “I have been reading about dementia to study for my board certification. In my off time I read about climate change. I think I’m neurotic and love being upset.”

Working with a wonderful team and feeling appreciated every day. On the flip side (Not necessarily negative, just challenging.) - Gradually stretching my social battery like gauging an earlobe. Sometimes I tear the earlobe. Oops.

Being too tired to engage with online chats with friends.

Long days

Got big butt and bad back from long commute oops. Time 2 get fit.

Being exposed to difficult patient stories that trigger my own trauma and learning to navigate those feelings while maintaining professionalism.

95% people cool, 5% people not cool. I have had to call out homophobia/transphobia in staff and it sucks! Don’t make me go to HR!!!! GRRRRR!!!!OOPS TOO LAte time For MEEtINGs.

That one time I accidentally printed the guide for “scarlet fever” instead of influenza. Teehehe OOPsS. These challenges have been difficult but the confidence I’ve gained from navigating them has been invaluable. As someone who, ten years ago, was so mentally ill that I was disabled from severe anxiety + CPTSD- it’s really awesome that I’ve grown stronger and now I can help manage a crisis including calling rapid response and writing multiple page long charts for stroke patients en route to the ED. Like, that’s me? Seriously?? Anyway, hi. I am looking forward to sharing stuff again when I feel like it which will be soon because I am feeling powerful and renewed. Taking time off was a good idea.

[possibilistfanfiction]

thank u for being p much the only sane person in the olys discourse lmao and yeah i do agree this looks like ideological differences within the team bc tbh they seemed a bit off even before the olympics especially with some players speaking up more on issues these days. i cant even imagine how horrible it must be for poc players to play with ppl like c*rli and on top of that have ppl tell them anything less than gold is a failure. no wonder the whole team played like this

yah 100% !! even if no one ever says anything it’s absolutely clear from interviews, social, etc that there’s deep divides. & those probably existed in 2019 but discussions of Everything in 2019 were different; the world was different. ofc in 2020 too we saw a pretty stark difference in yt ppl who wanted to learn vs yt ppl who didn’t. personally i would not be able to have anywhere near even the partial cohesion the players seem to have, i guarantee i’d lose it on abt half of them every day lmao. & that’s not to say that players who politically suck played terribly & players that i generally align with played well; it affected everyone.

& yes i can’t imagine what it would feel like to be a Black woman essentially forced to fuck w carl* et al & also be told that you’ve disappointed an entire nation (that, systemically, already doesn’t think your life is worthwhile) & still just … perform? especially w tactical choices that don’t help or give u a chance to show the skill u have (which has never Not been a problem but is just becoming more & more clear).

i think the lack of cohesion also has to do with the clear split among white players as well. like on the one hand u have carl* & kelley, on the other hand u have tobin & pinoe. if they’ve rly had convos they’ve definitely disagreed; if they haven’t, that’s another problem. it’s funny in a way bc the uswnt is just a job ? & they’re colleagues ? lol

on a personal note (& not in a weird ‘i’m not racist bc i have [x] relationship w a poc thing) but my wife is a brown Muslim immigrant & i cannot IMAGINE having to pretend to vibe with abt half or more of that team, i would absolutely not be able to do it, esp if she was Right There with me?? there’s no way. even if i tried to it would affect me negatively, there’s rly no way it couldn’t. i don’t even vibe w neoliberal teachers at work who are not fully engaging in a radical politic lol so i truly just …. yah cannot imagine lol

& ofc tactics & overall player performance affected our results (it’s sport lol) but i think that just generally there’s an underlying uneasiness bc of The World that has to be affecting at least some players who have definitely shown through actions to have pretty strong beliefs one way or the other. i don’t think anyone playing currently is rly going to name it (maybe when someone retires — write the book cp!) but yah at the end of the day being in a system of harm/loving someone Right There who is blatantly being harmed has got to take its toll. in a different context of course it does for me but yah … idk. lol

which is also why i’m like hey if cp & tobin wanna retire we just gotta be happy for them. it doesn’t seem like the uswnt has been good for mental health for a while; we can see that sport in general isn’t good for mental health (& a) health is a made up concept; b) physical health too?! tobin has been chronically injured for like 5 years), especially for Black women & femmes (+ trans ppl in general). so if ppl are like u know i’m out… love that for them, truly & deeply

[timeagainreviews]

Sifting through the Dregs

For series twelve of Doctor Who, I have opted to take a casual approach. I've avoided spoilers as much as possible. Although I caught the trailers, and the odd press photo, I've managed to stay away from things as simple as episode descriptions, writers, or even episode titles. I want to come into each story with as little expectation as possible. This is so that I might avoid hype, both of the negative and positive varieties. So when I read the words "Part One," after "Spyfall," it was genuinely a surprise. And when I read the words "Orphan 55 by Ed Hime," I was suddenly very hopeful.

If you remember from series eleven, I was a big fan of Ed Hime's episode "It Takes You Away." I praised its brazen absurdity, likening it to something Douglas Adams may have done. The episode is rather divisive in the fandom, as some might call it one of the worst episodes ever. Obviously, I disagree. Ed Hime stands out to me as exactly the kind of writer Doctor Who needs. Someone with a bit of a taste for the absurd, while still managing to capture human moments. Ironic then, that despite my best efforts to approach the episode without expectation, the hype I would most contest with would be my own. Does "Orphan 55," live up to my expectations? Let's get into it!

As I said, Ed Hime lends a sort of mad weirdness to Doctor Who that I feel a certain section of writers possess. Think your Lawrence Mileses, your James Gosses, or even the occasional Steven Moffat. These are writers, who for better or worse understand one thing about Doctor Who- it's weird. Strangely, one of the common most aspects ignored by Doctor Who writers is the absurdity. A blue police box wrapped around an impossible machine, piloted by an ancient trickster somehow becomes mundane. Doctor Who's weirdness is an integral element that has been around since its inception. That's why when the gang gets teleported by a contest cube Graham has assembled, and the first person we meet is a furry, I feel we're already onto a good start. Especially when they just finished cleaning up the biggest calamari ever from the TARDIS floor. (Anyone else think of the Nestine Consciousness?)

Characters like "Hyphen with a 3" or "Hyph3n," remind me of some of the '80s era's odder characters. I could easily see her and her tail living in "Paradise Towers," or perhaps riding a bus in "Delta and the Bannermen." But another reason I love her is that she's not just a furry, it's part of her identity. You don't get the idea that she's an outlier like real-life Trekkie, Barbara Adams, who famously wore her Star Trek uniform to jury duty and her place of work. Instead, you get the feeling that in the future, people respect identities. To use Star Trek again, I remember watching an episode of "Star Trek: Enterprise," where the character Trip has a crisis over whether or not a girl "was a man." When you compare this to the dialogue we're having about transgender rights in 2020, you're automatically reminded that Enterprise came out in 2001. By today's standards, furries are still seeking acceptance. Seeing Hyp3n in a partial fursuit may seem absurd now, but in its own way, it's futuristic. How very Doctor Who.

Things in this future, however, aren't all progressive acceptance of our fine furry friends, there seems to be trouble in paradise. As I said, the gang is greeted by Hyp3n, a sort of porter for a relaxation destination called "Tranquility Spa." The companions immediately take to the spirit of things, as they settle in for a bit of rest and relaxation. The Doctor, of course, starts snooping around. Meanwhile, a security team of two, Kane and Vorm are responding to "another security breach." Whatever it is requires machine guns, which seems like quite a lot. And if you're like me you'll spend the next half hour trying to figure out where you've seen Kane before. I'll help you out- it was Lydia from Breaking Bad. You're welcome. I just saved you a trip to IMDb.

The next scene introduces us to a concept that will run strong within this episode- Yaz as a gooseberry. We see a couple of pensioners, Benni and Vilma, enjoying their spa getaway. Just as Benni is about to ask Vilma to marry him, Yaz stands right between them. I mean, I know the pool is for everyone, but read the vibe, Yaz. Jeez. Meanwhile, Ryan is checking out the interior of Tranquility Spa. The bar looks like the kind of place art vampires go to get lemongrass enemas. It reminded me a lot of "The Leisure Hive," with a budget, or even a more modern twist on the Centre of Leisure from "Time and the Rani. So much of this episode reminded me of classic Doctor Who.

Ryan notices a vending machine, but as he's retrieving his food is infected by a hopper virus. The Doctor explains the virus is capable of jumping from computers to humans. After expelling it from his system, the Doctor bags it to take to whoever is in charge. While Ryan is sucking his thumb to reduce the hallucinogenic side effects of the virus, he sees a cutie in a similar situation, a young woman by the name of Belle. It's pretty obvious at this point that Belle is to be a sort of romantic interest for Ryan, and who can blame him? She lives up to her namesake!

Everyone is rounded up for a "tranquillity drill," to a safe location while Kane and Vorm run through the lobby with their guns in tow. As with most companions, travelling with the Doctor embeds a deeper curiosity. Much like the Doctor would, Ryan questions what type of drill requires guns. This question entices Belle to follow him as they investigate. I really liked this pairing of the two of them as their chemistry was natural, despite Ryan's repeated failures at chatting her up. It only added to their charm.

The Doctor confronts Hyp3n who seems just about as confused and nervous as many of the guests. Whatever she's hiding is only because she's been instructed to by her superiors. Considering the hopper virus and drill, the Doctor deduces that the spa is under attack, and demands to know what they're hiding. Who would want to harm a spa? The spa has been using an ionic membrane to keep out unwanted visitors, visitors which appear to have breached the membrane. Now under a full-on attack by a group of monstrous beings, guests become casualties. Not only is the base under attack, but the viruses have also handicapped the systems, disabling the emergency teleportation devices. With everyone trapped the Doctor has to work fast to stop the killing, as well as survive.

Graham finds a pair of green haired servicemen in the form of Nevi and his son Sylas. Their entire character design once again had me thinking of classic Doctor Who characters such as the Swampies from "The Power of Kroll," or the Karfelon androids from "Timelash." I liked wondering if they were a kind of species that has naturally green hair, or if they had father/son hair dying nights. In this brief interaction, you learn that Sylas is the better mechanic between the two of them, but that Nevi does a bad job of acknowledging this. Graham gathers them and others to evacuate while Ryan and Belle hideaway in a sauna of sorts. While there, they confide in each other that neither of them is nearly as impressive as they initially led on, and the truth strengthens their bond.

Sadly, as Graham is rounding people up, Benni gets separated after backtracking to pick up Vilma's hat. As life signs extinguish across a computer screen, highlighting the trail of carnage, the Doctor finds a way to push back the onslaught. By repairing the ionic membrane, the creatures, known as Dregs, are physically pushed out of the spa by a force field. The crisis averted, the survivors search for the bodies of their loved ones. Much to Graham's relief, Ryan and Belle have both narrowly avoided the claws and teeth of an angry Dreg. Benni, however, is nowhere to be found.

After discovering a hole, which looks like a tear in reality, our heroes discover that Tranquility Spa is actually an illusion. A dome separates the spa from a hostile planet far too polluted to inhabit. This abandoned, or "orphan," planet is designated "Orphan 55." This is the reason guests are teleported to the spa- to cover up its seedy location. However, it would appear that whatever the Dregs are, they seem to be apex predators, able to survive the hostile environment of Orphan 55. And they want the spa and its inhabitants gone.

The Doctor makes Kane drive them out into the wasteland to find Benni, as his oxygen tank would allow him to survive outside of the dome for some time. It was a thin chance, but it might be enough to save at least one person among the carnage. I was really hoping for some silly "Moonbase," style helmets, but instead, we got these minimalist blue breath right strips across the bridge of the nose that linked to small wrist canisters as supplied by Nevi and Sylas.

The trip out onto the surface reminded me a lot of the great Russell T Davies episode "Midnight." And much like Midnight, the confined space of a vehicle traversing harsh conditions offers plenty opportunity to explore the people within. Remember how I said Yaz is a gooseberry? She wastes no time getting right between Ryan and Belle. I honestly can't tell what's going on between Yaz and Ryan at the moment. Last season, there was a bit of a "Will they or won't they?" vibe between them. But series twelve seems less interested in coupling them off. First, we had the Master and Yaz getting weirdly touchy-feely, which surprisingly never comes up again. And now we've got Yaz teasing Ryan in front of Belle like a jealous school girl. We learn that along with sucking their thumbs, Ryan and Belle also share having a dead parent in common, so that's something.

The vehicle picks up a bit of barbed wiring leaving it, as the Doctor put it- completely knackered. Keeping with the Midnight vibe, the surface of the planet is too dangerous due to monsters and killer sunlight. Afraid for her own self-interest, Kane wants to abandon the search mission, but a pleading Vilma begs her to continue looking for Benni. After callously accepting Vilma's necklace as payment, Kane agrees to continue with the rescue mission.  The crew abandon their vehicle and run for the safety of an underground service tunnel, but Dregs attack from every direction causing them to return to the safety of the vehicle. But that safety won't last long.

It's then that they hear Benni calling for Vilma. He asks her to marry him and then asks them to shoot him as well. It's a morbid moment as you realise the only reason the Dregs have kept Benni alive is to taunt the survivors and prolong his suffering. I don't really understand what the point of having them run back into the vehicle actually was. They basically run back out a moment later with the new plan of Kane and Vorm covering with gunfire. I don't understand why it was so important that they leave one location just to return moments later.

As Kane and Vorm blast Dregs, the rest of the crew run to the safety of the service tunnel. In the scuffle, Vorm dies, but Kane catches up just in time to open the tunnel. The entrance to this tunnel had me thinking of the opening of "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers." I kept waiting for Rita Repulsa to pop out and say "Ah! After 10,000 years I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!" They make it down into the tunnel where there is a short-range teleporter nearby. Vilma asks Kane if she saw what happened to Benni, and Kane coldly tells her not to worry, that she shot Benni as he requested. It's at this time that Belle steals Kane's gun. She reveals that Kane is her mother and that she's here for revenge for abandoning her and her father. Belle teleports back to the spa taking Ryan with her. Seeing as the teleporter only had enough juice for one go, the rest of the crew must go deeper into the tunnel to find their way back.

Back at the spa, Belle reveals a huge bomb she plans to use to blow up the spa. Poor Ryan, he just met this girl and already he's dealing with her baggage with her mum. I kid, but damn girl, take a guy to a movie first. It's lucky for the Doctor that this adventure isn't actually from the '80s. Had it been Ace in this position, she would have seen the bomb and said "Wicked!" while offering up Nitro 9 to add to the destruction. Instead, Ryan pleads with her not to blow up the spa, dooming everyone involved.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and crew discover a plaque written in Russian, cluing them in to the fact that not only is the planet abandoned, but it was also abandoned by humanity. Orphan 55 is in fact, Earth. This revelation hits Graham and Yaz hard, as they never imagined the fate of the world to be so ugly. Their grieving is cut short by the appearance of Dregs, who Vilma bravely sacrifices herself to, to save the others. The Doctor, at this time also appears to be running out of air. It appears that the ability to be the loudest talker isn't always helpful when oxygen preservation is to be considered.

The sole reason for her running out of oxygen serves only to discover the Dregs breathe out oxygen. She discovers this when she finds a Dreg conveniently hibernating within the tunnel. Why this is important is that it gives a bit of insight into the Dregs' motivation. Kane's big plan was to make a spa that slowly terraforms the planet, which would harm the Dregs. It also explains the trees seen on the surface of the planet. That or these trees are also apex predators able to adapt to anything. Using her Time Lord brain magic, the Doctor looks into the mind of the Dregs and affirms what she feared most- they evolved from humans.

Everyone has now made their way back to the spa. The Dregs are closing in and they need to fix the teleporter. We're treated to a series of people once again leaving and returning to the same location for the sake of upping the tension. Kane appears to sacrifice herself and Sylas gets in an argument with Nevi once more over being told he's not a mechanic causing him to run away. But both of them are ok, as they both return unscathed. Yaz and Ryan wheel Belle's bomb to try and take out a few of the baddies. It's kind of a clusterfuck if I am honest. Lots of characters get taken in and out of scenes merely to pad time and add to the tension. It's not egregious but could have been edited better.

Sylas appears just in time with a solution to use the hopper virus to convert fuel for the teleporter. I was happy they brought the virus back, even if they don’t make a whole lot of sense. Were the Dregs weaponising the hopper virus? Were the viruses remnants of human civilisation? Regardless, I’m glad they brought it back. Sadly, this entire end sequence acts as evidence that perhaps there are too many companions in the TARDIS at the moment. Graham's job is to stand over Nevi and Sylus saying things like "That's right lads!" Yaz and Ryan are basically running around doing busywork, while the Doctor and Belle are having a stand-off with a Dreg. The Doctor manages to equalise the air in the room so that it is mutually beneficial to keep her and Belle alive. What the Dreg breathes out, they breathe in, and vice versa. This stalemate allows them the ability to leave. With the teleports up and running, the Doctor and her crew are transported back aboard the TARDIS, but not before Belle steals a kiss from Ryan. Are she and her mother going to be okay? We're left to wonder.

The victory celebration is short-lived as the companions remember the fate of the earth. Now, I need to preface what I'm about to say with the following- I fully believe climate change is a thing. I say this because we need to talk about how Doctor Who handles the subject. I've seen a lot of people (see: morons) complain about when Doctor Who gets "too political." They seem to think anything they don't like is political. The Doctor being a woman is political to them. But as I said with episodes like "Rosa," and "Demons of the Punjab," it's not that Doctor Who shouldn't be political, it's that it's simply not very good at it.

I can appreciate that the message of climate change is a real and pressing matter, but the cautionary edutainment way in which they present the information was so cringe. It felt so unnatural and tacked on. In their desire to address the audience directly, they lose a level of reality that makes the dialogue seem fake. These scenes always feel badly acted to me, but it's the fault of the dialogue. There's no good way to break the fourth wall without also sacrificing the characters' voices. It's like one of those adverts where you have two people talking far too candidly about something like their period flow, or constipation. It's a way to disseminate information about a product or ideology, but don't mistake it for dialogue. Nobody talks like this.

All in all, this was your standard "base in peril," episode. While not as transcendent as "It Takes You Away," I believe Ed Hime has given us another solid episode of Doctor Who. It's hard for me to tell if Hime's ability to write action was wanting, or if it is simply the fault of the director, but it definitely suffers at points due to the janky pacing. Pacing has really been an odd sticking point for series 12, and I hope they work it out. Even still, I was hoping that after the two-parter of "Spyfall," we would get something a little more grounded. Having this odd little contained storyline with little homages to classic Who is actually more than I had hoped for. It also gave us a new character in Belle, whom I expect to see return eventually. And despite the heavy-handed and unnatural way in which they dealt with climate change, I understand that it's a family show. In keeping with classic Who, it aimed to be educational, and for that, I cannot fault it.

[mikkock]

tell me more bout that funky bih named said

o him owo ?? glad u asked, cuz i sure do love that funky bih,

note that he’s one of my older characters, from like back in highschool, so he’s part of the ‘i rly gotta rework that bitch to make him like. great. believable. human’ so treat him with kindness he’s wip

also mind that im being messy in my explainations cause im dumb

So, first of, he’s Saïd Eom, he’s 17, his parents are korean n he got two siblings, and he’s a Mess.

at first glance, he’s bastard (that pic old)

he’s a witty boy, and an Entertainer, you Will have fun and only fun with him (at the expense of your wig, she gon get burned, we into dry jokes at Ur Expense)

he’s very flashy, he loves bright clothes, Expensive Fashion, and looking Hella Cute. His allowance goes into clothes n das it

he’s also in love with music n languages, his Number One Skill is multilingualism and being able to learn a new language in no time. He’s also quite good at singing if he wants to, tho he’s much more of a listener than a singer, he digs hearing more than being the source of sound ya get.

But, when you toss that flamboyant persona aside, he’s acutally a Sad Bitch (sadboishours) 

(that was sasuke on the pic initially fyi)

he’s very self destructive, and the whole “being messy” aint just purposeful chaotic cryptid behaviour. he’s actually a real mess, n he’s Sad tm. Mostly, he feels like he’s a dissapointment upon everyone, and got quite the pent up rage against his parents, which stems from his own fear of being the “failure of the family”. Basically the mindset of “welp i already fucked up i guess, they hate me for sure, i aint the shit to them so fuck it let me be the biggest failure haha :)” 

he’s also got some Issues makin it harder on a like, non negociable scale ya kno, like he’s an old character so i loaded him with drama, bitch got BPD AND is partially blind (to an extent that quite affects his life), so ya kno life is going just swell. idk why young me had to torture his characters with all that sucky shit like can’t ya just have existential dread like the rest of us bitch??

(there are perk tho)

instead of like, exteriorising his struggles n all, he’d rather bottle em up and self destruct. cause fuck positive coping mechanisms we 17 n we dunno how to deal with things too big for us.

he subconsequently feels very lonely, n Craves That Warmth ya kno, that Love, that Having People U Care About And That Care About and For You

speaking of, relationships :

aside from his parents n that whole cold vibe going on, he’s got his siblings, who are very very much younger than him, and absolute gremlins (wonder who they got that from mh prolly not from their big bro being a crytidy bih). He’s got a love/hate relationship with em. They’re annoying, and also embody a part of his fear of having failed everyone (they were born relatively shortly after he started showing first symptoms of mental illness n start of like, him getting examined and all, and also at the same time starting to get worst at school n all that, so in his brain the association made was “so they’re getting a new kid cause i wasnt good enough and they’re starting over with a better one that doesnt suck huh”, ya kno, persuasive irrational fears). But at the same time, he cant help but feels a bit of endearement and respinsability, the parents are often away and working, he’s part caretaker, and they look up to him, he cant help but feel he caaaant be tooooooo rude, he cant hate them tooooo much....they’re annoying but....ya know..... Tho Sometimes they do get a bit “too much” and he’d rather be left alone rather than having to be bothered by two kids. In the end they often end up being partner in crimes, doing dumb shenanigans together (and getting in trouble together, we ride or die) 

(they bout to be scolded n they kno that their korean names gon pop aka shit getting Real)

Also he has a dog and a cat, n they’re his bABIES OK.

He got Pals too

He’s part of the Teens, so naturally he’s chummy with Alice, Jessica n Noah, n is best pal with the latter (cause chaotic energies attract each other, what’s better than one mess if not TWO messes)

he’s also got a special friendship with a bunch of Oldies, he’s childhood friend with Cream and Jackeline, and then got friendly with Ace when they did, and then got super attached, because that dude got big mum energy, he cares after people, so bitch boy Saïd wants some of that and subconsciously just nyooms to his side to get some of that pampering ya know.

he’s also bros with quite the crowd, since he’s naturally outgoing n friendly n shit, notably the fashion students since he digs clothes, specifically Aiko n Chto, though he did surprinsigly manage to tame Prasert into Being Nice With Him, so wild, its basically like they’re besties ya know. but basically he’s friends with nearly everyone, he’s that cryptid that legit knows everybody, wherever they may be. He only dislikes Kai out of solidarity with his bro Cream, and him and Nott dont get along but they’re on Cordial Terms (as in ‘lets just be polite and pretend the other doesnt exist, whatevs man’)

And like idk what more to say cuz im dumb n hungry also but like

if ur interested that his playlist, i gotta clean her a bit but The Vibes ya kno

[herotheshiro]

i wanted to post this online somewhere but didn’t know where to put it (not really something to put on any of my IG accounts and if you stay w me for the rest of this post you’ll know why i didn’t put it on twitter) and i almost forgot tumblr existed and no one really uses it (i.e., my sibling doesn’t follow this account. was going to put this on my personal blog which my sibling also doesn’t follow but i feel like this blog is better in the end) so good place to put it and let me release my thoughts. [put it under cut bc it’s pretty long lol]

but basically one of the worst decisions i’ve made in the last half yr is become active on twitter. i made an account back in october to try to order some hipmaic merch from a proxy which ultimately failed and had unexpected personal blowbacks as well... that in itself should have already indicated the dumpster fire that twitter would become for me (from the bad vibes of that failure i mean) but unfortunately in the time before i knew the proxy was going to fail, i got absorbed into fandom twitter. for whatever reason i have this weird thing of wanting to become fandom famous or like fandom well-known, which i think is partially due to me wanting to be like my sibling who sort of became a recognizable name due to their fanworks in some of their fandoms in the past. i feel like i used to kind of have that kind of recognition back during the young deviantart days but since i don’t really produce/publish fanworks anymore, i’ve gotten to liveblogging/livetweeting as my attempts to fame. ik some ppl have succeeded off of that, based on some of the ppl i’ve followed for a number of fandoms in the past few years, so i thought i could do it too ... but alas as y’all know, the internet is a big place and it’s hard to get ppl to care abt your one voice. and ppl noticing you also sometimes happens in unwanted ways, like that whole thing i got stressed over re: a/3 which i think i blogged abt on this blog before ... i mean still not even 100% they were referring to me specifically w that vague tweetinig but i was stupidly anxious over dumb shit like that.

also, as everyone knows, once you really get into a fandom, there is always the absolute mess of “problematic” content/call-outs. sometimes it’s valid critiques of the series content, sometimes it’s over stupid ass petty inter-fan drama. and even if you’re not involved in the drama itself, it’s so tiring to have to witness all the passive aggressive (or sometimes outright aggressive) tweets ... esp in this current global pandemic situation where we’re already getting negative news re: our real lives. i’m writing up this post really in response to me reading through threads of ppl calling out the problematic ways hipmaic handles hip hop/black culture which is definitely valid and basically something i’ve always been aware of even when i first came into the fandom bc non-black iterations of hip hop culture (esp overseas) usually do not hit the mark .... even though i’ve been aware of all this shit, it’s so tiring to read through and then the guilt of still consuming the fandom even w its flaws (which is still something you can do as long as you acknowledge the flaws and problematic aspects. but it also depends on the series i suppose, like imo a/o/t is just shit that prob shouldn’t be consumed lol, which is also funny bc i used to consume it a long time ago but that was like way before the timeskip like when the anime first got released ... i mean this kind of opinion/perspective is fraught w so many asterisks so i’m not going to go into it further but hopefully you get what i mean even if you’re not hearing all of my personal footnotes)... like i don’t think i’m going to give up hipmaic yet, bc i still do enjoy some of its music and i do enjoy seeing character content, but adding twitter to my life was honestly a goddamn mistake. not only for that one case of anxiety re: a/3 but also just me purposely consuming fans’ content that i literally KNOW will piss me off but i still do anyways. it’s tiring to read some of the comments hipmaic fans say, and a few months ago i wanted to interact re: headcanons and stuff but now i’m like you know what. keep your frankly incorrect and inaccurate headcanons to yourself (partly sarcastic but you know when you read a thinkpiece and you respect them for voicing their opinion but it’s also “wrong” at the same time...).

like recently i’ve gotten to thinking to literally just blocking any twitter account that talks abt hyp mic and just restricting my twitter to non-fandom stuff or japanese twitter accounts where i don’t understand what stupid shit they’re saying (if any). and also let’s not get into what a time-suck scrolling through twitter has become for me ... i’m already depressed and completely unmotivated to do work, and twitter is just a major procrastination device to continue wrecking my academic and professional lives and productivity ... i don’t have the app, but i can still access it through safari so of course it’s still a stick in my wheel. i really need to follow what my sibling said and try to rarely go on it and if i do, just stick to my dash and don’t stray too far out (i.e., looking up shit in the search bar). tbh, IG and twitter are both huge time-wasters for me, and i seriously need to consider deleting social media in general or at least for a good chunk of time which is something i wanted to do literally 2 yrs ago but just never did ... ik some of my friends are relatively inactive on social media (they do have it but they just never post or anything) and i really really need to be like that. everything for me (like many ppl at this time i assume) is remote, and i know from past experience that i am VERY BAD at being productive when doing remote working. and having IG/twitter drains is definitely going to make that worse, especially since they’re already major distractors when i AM physically going to school/work. i feel like i’ve tried to cut cold-turkey before, but i usually never keep up the block for long ... it’s also due to a lack of motivation in general (this is a whole other monster of a topic that should be put on my personal blog LMAO) but i need to just try to cut things that i have some control over that could further contribute to my lack of productivity.

tl;dr

fandom twitter truly is a dumpster fire

twitter itself is helping ruin my life (not bc of anything happening on it but just its presence)

i am just purposely consuming bad news and shitty takes and making myself feel worse and i need to stop

[operationrainfall]

Title Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes Developer Grasshopper Manufacture Inc. Publisher Grasshopper Manufacture Inc. Release Date January 18th, 2019 Genre Action Platform Nintendo Switch Age Rating M for Mature 17+ – Blood, Drug Reference, Partial Nudity, Strong Language, Violence Official Website

Let me clarify something really quick. Travis Strikes Again is NOT No More Heroes 3. That was my initial assumption, and it’s important that those of you reading this understand the difference. See, Travis Strikes Again is a gaiden game, and that shows in many ways. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still very much No More Heroes, and is pungent with that insane musk the series is known for. Suda51 has crafted an entry that often defies expectations and regularly defies logic. But in some ways, it’s very much the first of its kind. The question then, is if that’s a good thing? And more importantly, does Travis Strikes Again make up for the nine-year hiatus since the Wii?

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Travis Strikes Again starts with an epic cutscene that I’m sure most of you have already seen. Badman, the father of the murderous, bat-wielding Bad Girl, wants revenge on Travis for her death. He hunts him down, and finds Travis roughing it in his outdoor trailer. Banter is exchanged, winks are made at the audience, and then things get especially weird. Apparently, at some point Travis found a nigh impossible to locate game console called the Death Drive Mk II. Think the Virtual Boy combined with VR and you’re on the right track. Somehow the game machine suddenly comes to life and sucks both Travis and his assailant into a strange game world, and thus begins our story.

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In the first world, Electric Thunder Tiger II, Travis quickly finds out that the Death Drive games are all full of dangerous bugs, who are all out to kill you. The system itself was created by an ahead of her time genius, Dr. Juvenile. Not only does her system draw in the players, but there’s also a myth about the game cartridges, called Death Balls. By collecting six of them, the owner can have their dearest wish granted. If that sounds familiar, then just wait, cause Travis Strikes Again has a shit ton of references to popular culture, from anime to other video games and much more.

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While I was drawn in quickly by the opening sequence, once you beat the first world the plot meanders unexpectedly. Badman was initially hellbent on murdering Travis, but after they both come out of the game, it seems things have changed. The game doesn’t really address this change of heart, mind you, and you’ll see Badman wandering the trailer between stages. Though his presence does serve a functional purpose for co-op, his sudden lack of menace really hurts the urgency of the story. It wasn’t clear to me what exactly was happening, and it isn’t til much later that it seems apparent Travis and Badman are suddenly working together. It’s possible I missed something in the copious amount of dialogue in the game, but if not this sudden shift was puzzling. Thankfully, while the story in no way is actually about Travis vs Badman, the other tangents it goes on are pretty interesting by themselves.

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Each of the Death Ball titles is a reference to popular culture’s past. For example, Life is Destroy starts off with a bloody sequence that made me instantly think of Night Trap. Another, Golden Dragon GP, has vector graphics that strongly reminded me of Tron. They all have their own vibe, and that goes double for the epic Archive material about them. These materials are a nod to old Nintendo Power style magazine coverage, and feature commentary, art and even secrets that you can check out in each level. I was frankly stunned by how much work went into making a bunch of flavor text that the majority of gamers won’t even bother reading, though I’d say those gamers are missing out. The essential flavor of this game is one that embraces and parodies the video game phenomenon. I loved all the little nods to classics, both obvious and more esoteric.

My only real complaint is that the stages themselves don’t start offering really standout features until later in the game, about four stages in. Keeping in mind there are only six stages in the game, that was a bit of a letdown. Mostly because without unique aspects like Golden Dragon GP’s racing, stages mostly break down to ‘fight all the enemies, kill the boss, rinse and repeat.’ I guess part of my issue with the relative monotony of the experience is I have fond memories of the NES-styled minigames from No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle. The amount of diversity in those was really great, and though they could get frustrating, I enjoyed their inclusion. Which brings us to the combat in Travis Strikes Again, and how different it feels from the rest of the series. Note that I didn’t say worse, but it is worth covering how significant a departure it is from the first two games.

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More Travis on Page 2 ->

While the first No More Heroes games were action adventure games more in the vein of Bayonetta or Devil May Cry, it would be easier to compare Travis Strikes Again to Gauntlet. You’ll wander forward, get gated in areas with enemies, and need to kill them to proceed. Don’t get me wrong, there are still recognizable features like how Travis “charges” his Beam Katana and flashy super attacks, but in every other way they are something different. For one thing, you have zero control over the camera now, and Suda likes to move it around to display the action in unique ways. Some stages will have a top-down view, others you’ll be able to see a more open area, and some function like 2D platformers. Another stark departure? There are no wrestling moves (well, almost), no blocking and no QTEs during regular combat.

Things have been stripped down in many ways, though perhaps not bad ones. Yes, I had fond nostalgic memories of the combat in the first games, but after watching them again, I realized something: there was a lot of unnecessary and frustrating elements to the combat before. I don’t miss playing around with the camera, I don’t miss blocking tons of attacks and I don’t miss the QTEs, but I do still wish there was a bit more nuance to combat here. You have a weak attack you can literally swing rapidly in succession, a heavy attack, jumping attacks, a dodge and that’s pretty much it. Beyond that, there is a feature where you fill up your katana charge meter and, when full, can unleash a massively powerful series of attacks, as well as skills. Skills are totally new to the series. As you progress, you’ll unlock skill chips, and can equip up to four to any of the directional buttons. By holding L and pressing a directional input, you’ll unleash the skill. There’s a wide range, from lightning blasts that stun foes to bombs that detonate after a set amount of time to a healing field and much, much more. Each of them has a cooldown until you can use them again, so it behooves you to use them sparingly and carefully.

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Point being, it probably doesn’t sound much like a No More Heroes game right now. And that’s both good and bad. While I did grow to enjoy the combat, it tends to get a little monotonous, at least for fighting regular enemies. The variety comes from the enemy diversity (there are a lot of different types) and playing around with your skill loadout. Another unique aspect is that Travis gains EXP and can use it to level up. Sadly, all that does is increase his ATK and HP. I really would have loved a skill tree or something similar. I also miss learning optional techniques in the first games. But having said that, there is one area where Travis Strikes Again truly feels like a Suda51 game: the epic boss fights. Though there are only six total, they each are dripping with style and creativity. From a teleporting serial killer to a old man in a wooden mech suit to a supernatural skeletal avenger, you won’t get bored with any of them. Best of all, they all battle very differently, which requires you to fight smart, pay attention to attack patterns and not rush in blindly. I tried hack-and-slash a couple times, and was always met with painful failure. While it goes double for the boss fights, all these tactics are also important for regular combat.

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You’d think this review was almost done, having covered the plot, style and combat, but there’s another area that I need to spend more time: the references. Earlier I talked about some of the popular culture nods, but I doubt you understand the extent of them yet. One example? Practically all of the T-shirts Travis can buy in this game are from indie games. Even some that aren’t out yet, like Wargroove. I had a blast rocking out with Bit. Trip. Runner, Hollow Knight and Dandara shirts, but there’s so many more. Despite having beaten the game, I still need more cash to purchase all of them, as there’s 60+. But that’s not all. Another area where you see Suda’s love for gaming is in the text-based interludes between stages. No, you didn’t hear me wrong. There are many sections where Travis rides on his Schpeltiger with his kitty Jeanne and searches for more Death Balls. These segments are completely linear, but god are they entertaining. All sorts of crazy cameos abound, such as Travis searching in a Romanian Castle for a certain Count, to characters popping in from The Sliver Case and The 25th Ward, to even more I’m afraid to ruin. Best of all, during these sections Jeanne is magically able to talk, and she’s one sassy feline, even for a fat cat. One of my favorite nods is whenever you boot up a Death Ball, and the Death Drive logo sounds, reminding me of Sega’s old tune. Point being, if you love fourth wall breaking shennanigans and referential nods to pop culture, Travis Strikes Again is chock full of it.

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As for the aesthetic design, for the most part I love it. There’s a purposefully grungy, old school vibe to the way every stage is presented. While it may seem primitive, I suspect it’s a completely intentional move on Suda’s part. After all, the Death Drive Mk II is supposed to be an old, esoteric game system, so why wouldn’t the stages on it look like old games? Having said that, there’s a lot of beautiful art in the game. While the bosses are all full of color and chaos, the enemies are also varied and strange. Going with the “death” theme, each of the bugs has a skull face, and their bodies can be wildly different. Some are humanoid, others have tentacles and some are gargantuan hulking beasts. I also loved the variety of art used in the game introductions, as well as the green-hued art in the Travis Strikes Again text segments. The one area I felt that the art fell short, however, was how small the character models generally were. Often that was due to the camera placement, but when comparing it to the older games, it was really striking. Musically, the game is a wonder. Each stage has their own tunes, and the sound effects are perfect. Travis grunts, swears and yells as he fights, which does a great job of conveying his intensity. While there is a bit less profanity than in previous games, there’s also less voiced dialogue. While unfortunate, again it makes sense given the focus of the game taking place in a old game system. After all, most older games didn’t have voice acting. Overall though, the art and music come together beautifully to represent this strange game.

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Most of my 14 or so hours with Travis Strikes Again were positive, but there are some areas I feel it could have improved. A more minor complaint is the load times. Frankly, they are way too long, lasting upwards of more than a minute. Another complaint regards the combat. Though it’s pretty simple, there is real satisfaction to be had when you’re going for a high score, since doing so requires smart dodging to retain your katana charge. The problem is that a couple of factors work against you: the camera placement and enemy aggression. If you take too much damage, you’ll lose your charge level, and many times I would get hit by a projectile from off screen doing just that. Later in the game, they introduce some rather aggressive foes, including one that fires a barrage of bullets at you. That same enemy also likes to rush you, pushing you into the corner, and attack you frenetically to keep you from responding. This made it very hard to retain my full katana charge for extended periods, and of course the game grades you on exactly that.

A similar complaint is that your chip attacks can be interrupted by enemies, and then you have to wait for them to recharge. This was beyond irritating, especially when the game gets super frantic later on (and I played on Mild). Also, apparently some skills don’t work on some enemies. Once I tried using my standby Wing Chip at a foe, which fires a paralyzing bolt of electricity, only for it to be unaffected. It would seem some foes have elemental protection to certain attacks, but given there’s no bestiary, I was never clear on that. And while this last one isn’t about something Travis Strikes Again does wrong, it is about something shockingly absent from the game: the gratuitous violence. I remember blood gushing, beheadings and all sorts of mayhem in the first games, but that’s barely present. Again, that may be an intentional thematic choice by Suda, but if so it was a bit perplexing.

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In the end, I did enjoy Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes, but it felt like a placeholder until we get No More Heroes 3. It’s not all bad, and I did enjoy a lot of it, but when everything is coupled with a very perplexing ending, I wasn’t sure what to think. Thankfully, it’s pretty inexpensive at $29.99 for the digital version, and if you are a completionist, there’s a lot to do after you beat the game, such as finding secrets, buying T-shirts and getting better scores. I only managed to get one A in my time with the game, and many Cs and a couple Bs. If that wasn’t enough, a recent update added New Game+ and the Spicy difficulty, if you feel like a tough guy. And if you bought the physical version, you’ll be able to try out two DLC adventures in coming months (or pay for them individually digitally). Sure, the game didn’t go at all where I expected, and played rather differently from previous games, but it’s also a good reminder of the mad genius of Suda51. His capacity to constantly take risks and reinvent his games is impressive, even if it does occasionally provide mixed results. If nothing else, at least it seems likely we won’t have to wait too much longer for the next game…

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[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”3.5″]

Review Copy Purchased by Author

REVIEW: Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes Title Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes

[ceruleanhail]

Letter 19: Someone That Pesters Your Mind - Good or Bad

Dear S,

Despite not being blood-related, I consider you a family-- perhaps a cross between a sister and a surrogate mother. So, when you start your inquiries and nagging, I knew it was done out of love and concern.

Too bad I sucked at conveying my thoughts, huh?

Your question pesters me, most likely because I regret not replying to any of your questions and instead focus on protecting myself.

I know my current predicament is partially due to me being too presumptuous. I’m sorry, I’m not strong and I’m just... tired. Words, when it comes from my mouth, never felt right... which is why I tend to return to writing letters that would never be delivered to the intended recipient.

To verbalise it would have felt like a greater sin, for I know and understand the right answers that you elderlies want to hear, except this time I no longer craved to please. I have reached a breaking point of my life where I wanted to scream, to defy all rules that were expected to be followed, to close my eyes to all judgmental gazes, and just do what I want without feeling that my existence is a greatest mistake because I'm not exactly keen on following social norms, to stop feeling that my life is a burden to others. 

Every provocations, every lecture on filial piety and what-to-dos are an annoyance. No offense, I know you guys meant well, but it wasn’t what I needed at that time. I was tired of having to listen, hating how one-sided our current communication are because you wanted to know what’s going on and I don’t intend to share, feeling, knowing, that my words will be wrongly interpreted. Knowing that whatever that is out of my mouth will not be polite, will be snarky and laced with anger, will be aggressive and “rude to elderlies”. 

As usual, I chose silence.

So.

How about I try describing how I’ve been feeling these days? Considering that you won’t be reading this anyways?

To put it in simpler terms, time stopped for me. I was chained by past mistakes and cowardly choices, and was unable to see a glimmer of hope in my future. 

I was trapped in a mind cocoon of my own making, except it was... an odd cocoon. Unlike the past, I did not dwell in gaming (like most of you have assumed, surprising ain’t it?), I read voraciously. I read voraciously, and I am ashamed, because I wasn’t reading any so-called proper books written by prolific authors or dead writers of the past. No, I was reading Haikyuu, which somehow served as a balm to my current dismotivation. I juggled the manga with fanfiction. Tons of fanfiction of varying degree, ranging from trashy to masterpiece, from embarrassing trashy AUs to fluffy cinammon pieces.

At the same time, I was involved in a certain gaming group, but I kept my distance and observe them. I wasn’t in the mood to socialise. I’m tired of humans, and yet I craved for human contact. The role of an observer would be enough for me.

So, two things happened:

a) Long ago in AIESEC, there was an experiment my president did. He called up two members onto the stage and asked how many push-ups they would be willing to do. One said 20, the other said 30. Although the president told them to stop at the number they had given, both members ended up doing more 40 push-ups and stopped together. When asked why, both answered that it’s because the other person didn’t stop, and it made them want to do more until the other person stopped.

Moral of the story? Seeing others hard at work and making an effort can be motivating.

Why am I telling this story? Because those members in that darn group shone so brightly that it hurts. 

For them to work together in organizing an event for their beloved hobby and game, for some of the old peeps to revisit old hobbies and work on creating despite their jobs... Like a stubborn rock in the middle of a rushing river, bit by bit, I was swept into their passion. In wanting to help them, I tried recalling my experience in organizing events, which led to memories of my AIESEC experience, which led to the small positive vibes (and lingering regret)... bit by bit, I pushed out of the murkiness, shook off the cobwebs of overthinking and started to... think rationally.

Passion-- you mentioned that I lacked this in everything I do, that you don’t know what drives me. Of course you don’t, because unlike my elder brother, I have never wield passion as a weapon. After all, passion is impractical. Passion doesn’t bring money. Passion is my guilty pleasure, passion to me is something to protect even if it means hiding it from you guys... But if I’m not strong enough to verbalise and stand up for my passion, then maybe it isn’t a passion at all.

Except, this is fine, right? Because everyone in the group showed joint passion in what they are doing that made me felt, for once, that it’s okay to feel passionate about something. And even if I can’t allow my passion to carry me, that my passion may not be strong enough, what I can do is to assist them. To protect them. To help them.

I cannot believe in myself, but I can believe in others who believe in me. How very Toppa Gurren Lagann, eh?

In wanting to protect, I sense it--- a form of strength to trudge on with life, to continue towards the next chapter. 

b) Recent Haikyuu chapters have been intense. The Battle of the Trash Heap and a certain character’s growth have propelled me deep into the fandom.

Reading fanfiction was an addiction... and looking back, I wondered if the main reason I’d sought out for fanfiction was so that I could fill the void inside me with some form of... “feels”, because intense emotions of adoration for fictional characters are better than dealing with the fear and haze I’ve been feeling.

Few days ago, I stumbled across a multi-chaptered Fantasy AU. Stumbled, because I really can’t remember how the heck I found it; said pairing wasn’t even my usual pairing and it didn’t even have my favourite character. I don’t know what possessed me to read it.

... But I’m glad I did. It was written with so much care. The Fantasy aspect wasn’t overbearing, and the characters are very true to the spirit. There was a fine balance of intensity, sorrow and “feel good” vibes in it. It was a story that hit my emotional + reading needs, nourishes both my reading and writing soul, and reminded me of my love for Fantasy.

So, like a nosey reader, I explored the writer’s tumblr...

... and was greeted by what seemed like a safe haven of common sense and inspirational quotes. 

Sometimes, one can be so stuck by paranoia that they are entrenched by thoughts of how one’s existence is a failure due to not being like “everybody else”. Sometimes, one needed reminders even though said reminders sound like stupid common sense at that time.

At that moment, I was reminded that it’s okay to be myself. It’s okay to do what I want. It’s okay to read fanfiction even though they’re not published novels written by someone prolific or dead. It’s okay to maybe not master something but just do for the heck of it, then revisit it anytime you want to. 

The above sounded like something I would advise others. Now, if only I can remember those similar lessons myself.

(And later that day, I found another fic that made me feel understood, which reminded me of why I read-- to find ways to express myself)

The culmination of both events enabled time to... move again, even if it’s just a little bit. My mind is still hazy, my thoughts are still scattered... but bit by bit, I know I will head to the direction I want.

As such, I request for your patience again, because I’m sorry, I most likely will not be sharing what I want. I was taught, after all, to only share success stories.

But maybe someday, I will, when my thoughts are more defined.