#parenting divorce single parent meanmommychronicles badassmom

[punknspikesmomma]

Excuses. I have a few...

I have excuses. Every single one you can possibly imagine; I have it and I have used it. For a long time, I didn't believe in myself. Well, that's not entirely true. I believed in the image I showed to others. I was a liar and a cheat and the only person I hurt, was me. I pretended to be confident and positive and worthy, but it was just a mask- a mask I wore for 30+ years. At my heaviest, and this is before digital scales were prevalent, I had to step on 2 traditional scales and the best estimate the doctor could give me was “exceeding 530lbs”. Over the next 18 months I made super simple changes and lost over 170lbs. In March of 2008, I had gastric bypass surgery. The day of surgery I weighed 359.8lbs. I almost cancelled surgery the morning of but I’m glad I didn’t. In the first year I lost another 170lbs. I was finally down to a more sensible weight. You would think that would help me become a more confident and more myself. You would think. I hated my body. I still walked like my thighs overlapped. I still sat with my chair pushed out so I would fit. I was terrified of movie theater seats and booths at restaurants. I cried every day because my skin was saggy and crinkled and disgusting to look at. At least when I was fat my skin was smooth and tight. I hated everything about the new me, except the attention I was getting when I went out. One bad habit for another, right? In June 2008, at the same weight I am now, I met the man I would marry. He looked at me like I was made of gold and treated me like a princess. In 2010, we married and moved cross country for his job. A new life, a perfect relationship and very new beginning I ever wanted. In 2011, we started IVF and I weighed 176lbs. In the first month of hormones I tipped the scales at 208lbs. Holy crap! I knew it was hormones and assumed it would eventually balance out. When I conceived for the first time, I was up to 218lbs. I lost that pregnancy but went right back the first possible opportunity and conceived my oldest on my 2-year wedding anniversary. I had been told by a bariatric nutritionist that I would gain 10-15lbs and any baby I had would be less than 6lbs at birth because of the surgery. I increased my calorie intake from 950/day to 1150 per day and ballooned up. The day I delivered my 8lb13oz son, I weighed 268lbs! So much for 10-15lbs. I was able to lose some of it over the next 8 months. I got down to 211 and that was it. I was stuck. No matter what I did it was not coming off. I didn’t sweat it because I knew I wanted at least one more baby and that would have another gain. I figured I would tackle it after the next was born. In 2014, we tried again and got pregnant on the first round of IVF. Unfortunately, that pregnancy was an ectopic. I decided that we would wait a year before trying again. IVF really takes a toll on your body and mind. We found out in September that insurance would no longer cover IVF after 1/1/15. Knowing that at 37 waiting much longer would be risky we did one last round in November. After an emotional roller coaster over the holidays we found out for sure that one of the twins was going to make it. Baby B didn’t make it past 8 weeks, but my youngest was born in August 2015. Same eating habits as my first, and I only gained 34lbs. I lost it all in the first 2 weeks. And then it all came back one-month postpartum. My OB said it was hormonal. My body realized it lost it too fast and put it right back on. What the actual F**K?!?!? In 2016 my marriage started to break down. I was a married single mom with a husband who loved me deeply but never appreciated that I had 2 full-time jobs while he traveled for work. Over the next 2 years I had a nervous breakdown, moved out once, and got a second apartment but broke the lease before I actually moved. I tried everything! Individual counseling, marriage counseling, moving into the office. Nothing helped. In November 2018 I filed for divorce. Over the next 5 months I gained 60lbs. So much for the divorce diet. I am now divorced, single mom of 2 with a co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband. Since July 1, I have lost 12lbs. Not a whole bunch but a good start. Now, I need you. I need motivation. I need to be held accountable. I need to know that my kids will still have a mom when they graduate college and get married. I want to meet my future grandkids. If you’ve done the math, I’m 42 with 2 boys 7 & 4. I have at least 30 years to go with them. Being female, over 40 the cards are stacked against me (see, another excuse) but I can’t be the only one out there trying to make my life better.