#paprika: bb give me director's commentary on 500 words

[ladytauria]

Hi tauria bb 💜 can you choose a 500 word snippet from one of your published fics or wips and give us some director's commentary / insight into what you were thinking when you wrote it?

hello darling <3

instead of doing a 500 word snippet i decided to give um... entire fic commentary. basically? more or less picking out lines/sections and giving my thought process, bc it's fun to do that sometimes <3 thank you for giving me the space to---even if i did have to pick a fic by making a list and rolling a die dfghjk

i ended up picking "trust & feathers," my jaytim wing fic <3

Jason feels the blood feather break.

i had this line written down for ages before starting the prompt. before jaytim week was even announced, actually, lmao. i hadn't known when i wrote it if i was going to keep the entire fic from jason's POV or not, but i liked the line... liked it so much i used it as the summary too lmao.

Tonight, though, he’d rather be on Tim’s good side. Jason uses his codes at one of the side entrances. Tim is already waiting in the main area of the Nest when he comes in. He’s standing in front of the monitors; arms braces against his desk chair. The way his cape drapes over his shoulders, the ends sweeping over the floor, past the ends of dark primaries… It reminds Jason so strongly of Bruce that he has to stop and blink to clear the image away. He waits for the anger to rise. Prepares to swallow it down, stopping himself from lashing out at someone who—currently—doesn’t deserve it. It doesn’t come. Grief hits him instead; swelling in his chest and climbing up into his throat, threatening to choke him. He swallows hard and shakes himself before forcing his feet forward.

this is one of my favorite parts of the fic.

i don't think i've explored it a lot in fic, but. i feel like when he first starts spending time with tim---in my mind, usually post-red robin, when things are still Weird and Unsettled between all of the bats---that tim reminds him a lot of bruce despite tim's best efforts to not be bruce.

and for as much as jason respects tim's abilities, i feel like that makes it hard for them, early on.

the differences start to shine through, even at the start, until it's not so bad, but i feel like jason comparing tim to bruce is something that takes time for him to stop doing? but it was really interesting to do here because like... tim doesn't always remind jason of now bruce. he reminds tim of old bruce. bruce-before-he-died. softer-bruce. kinder-bruce. more-open-bruce. and for jason this particular moment is the first time that really hits as actual grief, rather than grief-masked-by-anger.

i couldn't explore it in the fic bc that wasn't the thesis, per se, but i like adding in little details like that. they're a treat for me. and readers. but mostly for me in the moment xD

It’s almost imperceptible, but Jason has spent longer than he would like to admit studying Tim. He knows, intimately, the lines and curves of Tim’s face; the way his mouth usually sits, the sharp slope of his nose, the droop of his eyes. If he had any talent for art at all, he thinks he could sketch Tim from memory.

if my memory serves, i believe i have a cut version of this paragraph that included a tangent about jason's stalker days. i should save it in my scribbles doc, so i remember to one day write a fic that's like. stalker!tim tropes but reversed.

i think it would be fun ;)

Tim’s surprise leaves Jason uncomfortably aware of what he’s asking. Offering. It’s not the first time he’s come to Tim for help with an injury… but he’s never offered up anything so vulnerable as an injured wing before. For a moment, he’s tempted to take it back. Go to Leslie instead—or take his chances with a bathroom mirror. He’s no Grayson, but he thinks he’s bendy enough to manage… “Let me look at it,” Tim says, surprise gone as quickly as it had come. Determination replaces it— and Jason knows there’s no turning back now.

i did my best to demonstrate tim's thought process from jason's pov haha. but tim goes through like. a few stages here. first it's shock that jason would ask him for this. tim gave jason keycodes to his nest, so clearly there's some level of trust and relationship there, but i feel like tim was never quite sure just how reciprocated it was. this is a Big Thing that jason is offering and tim knows it. it's a little humbling for him, lmfao, and there's definitely a split second of panic where he wonders if he's going to screw it up, before firmly deciding: no. no he's not. he's going to be calm and professional and prove that jason's trust in him is well placed.

Jason settles in it awkwardly; his wings fluttering. It takes more effort than it should to still them.

i tried really hard to incorporate their wings into the body language descriptions, as well as to try and imagine what a world would be like if everyone had wings, lol. the latter didn't come up so much for this fic, but i think i might try to do more with it in the next?

Abruptly, Jason decides he doesn’t care. It’s been too damn long since anyone touched his wings without the intent to break. He’ll decide later if the consequences, whatever they may be, were worth it. Tim opens his mouth, but Jason speaks first, “Sure,” he says, shrugging carelessly. “Why not?”

this part was so important to me.

in a lot of touch-starved fics, the hunger is satisfied sort of... accidentally? someone touches them, the person breaks, and melts into their arms. and look. i love that. i eat that shit up.

BUT.

i've said before but. there is is something just so... *clenches fist* to me about willing vulnerability. the choice to allow someone in. it comes up in my fics a lot and will KEEP coming up in my fics, lmfao

it's just so fucking yummy to me, to have a character ask for what they need and then be given it, no strings attached

Jason stills. He realizes, abruptly, what Tim must see—the disheveled mess of feathers, solid, flat black where they should shine like an oil slick. Grooming has always been a social activity. A way to bond with the flock, smoothing oil over hard to reach places; waterproofing feathers to make them shine. The last person to groom Jason’s feathers was Talia—and that had been long before he returned to Gotham. Since then, he’s been on his own. He’s done the best he can with a shower and some twisting but— It’s not enough.

more fun wing body language!

but also this part was semi-inspired by my absolute fave preening fic of all time: Wingipedia by startingatmidnight. it's a fanfic for the Lucifer (Netflix) show, and it's just--- god i love it so much.

but one of my fave things about it was like. the contrast between lucifer's wings groomed vs ungroomed, and so that influenced me to do that here, too haha

It’s the only sign of his nerves from before. Even the blush has faded, mostly, leaving behind only a faint rosy hue to his cheeks. Makes him look less like he’s seconds away from dying of a vitamin-D deficiency.

this line just makes me giggle

When his eyes have adjusted, he shrugs out of his jacket, folding it before draping it over the low table. Then he skims his fingers over the clasps of his armor. He hesitates. He can hear Tim moving around in the kitchen—a cabinet door shuts before water hisses from the faucet. He’s come this far. He’s not going to back out now. Jason ignores his nerves, forcing himself to undo the clasps one by one, bypassing the securities as he goes. Then he lets the chest piece fall on the table with a thud. It’s joined by his undershirt a few moments later. Finally, he unholsters his weapons, laying them carefully on the table as well. Jason stands, bare chested, in the middle of the room, several pounds lighter than he was before. Maybe he should have left the undershirt on. It would get a little messy, but who cares? The faucet turns off. Jason resists the urge to redress, sitting back down instead.

a few things to comment on here!

when his eyes have adjusted: i like to imagine that their domino lenses filter out the glare of headlights/streetlights? like yeah, fics usually have it where they can flip them up too so maybe he should have done that when walking in but. anyway. but that's what that line is for if anyone was curious fghj

tim cleaning up the first aid kit and washing his hands is, of course, just good hygiene and safety practice. BUT it was also an attempt on his part to give jason the chance to change his mind. if jason had left here, he would have been disappointed, but i think he wouldn't have brought it up again unless jason avoided him for too long after, lol

and then finally: more of that 'choosing to be vulnerable' stuff. jason has a chance to leave, to take it back, and he doesn't. instead he deliberately and literally strips out of his armor <3

Jason’s hands clench tighter, blunt nails digging into the meat of his palms. The pain is grounding. Gives him something else to focus on. Something other than the way nerves light up under his skin; prickling in a way that borders on painful. Tim keeps stroking Jason’s wing, tugging gently on his feathers to make them lay straight. With each pass, his fingers brush against Jason’s preening gland. Each touch winds him up a little tighter; the muscles in his back and shoulders bunching into knots under his skin. He has to bite his tongue not to tell Tim to just get the fuck on with it already. Maybe Tim can tell that Jason is close to bolting. He buries his hand in Jason’s feathers as his thumb presses down on Jason’s oil gland. The noise he makes is low and strangled—he presses his mouth into his arms, breath hot and humid against his skin. He can feel himself shaking. Despite himself, he finds his wing pushing back into Tim’s hand—and Tim accommodates him, pressing firmer still as he massages around and over the gland. Jason can just feel the oil dribbling from it, slightly warmer than body temperature. He thinks he might be crying; silent tears beading on his lashes before rolling down his cheeks. If Tim can tell, he doesn’t say.

the entire preening section gave me so much trouble. i really wanted to sit down and nail the tone just right; to really delve deep into the intimacy. 'cause like... the premise is that jason hasn't let anyone near his wings, right? and sure. i said why, but i wanted to show too. to give it proper emotional weight, and make his choice to be vulnerable, and the anxiety and apprehension around it, feel like it meant something.

emotional payoff, i guess.

Tim chuckles. He has to rise to his feet as he moves further down Jason’s wing. He stops to gather more oil first, smearing it further down the ridge of his wing, where it starts to coat his primaries.

i researched wing anatomy for this fic. i wasn't going to. i was just gonna sit down and write based off of my experience reading wingfic. but i couldn't not do it. and then once i looked up what different feather types were called-- well. i quickly realized that while a couple names are recognizable not all of them are lmfao

i have forgotten what i learned but im pretty sure i remembered take worldbuilding notes

Tim starts over again; combing through the soft, downy feathers near his spine. The first glancing brush of his fingers against Jason’s second preening gland isn’t quite as overwhelming as the first. It’s still a lot. He may have grown used to it on the other wing, but this one is still unused to touch. The nerves under his skin prickle again. Tim takes it slow, just like before. By the time he starts to massage Jason’s gland, the prickling has become a pleasurable tingling. He sinks into it with a sigh. Jason drifts, allowing himself to lose track of time entirely. Drowsiness weighs heavy on his limbs; his thoughts turning syrupy. Tim continues stroking his wing long past when he’s finished grooming it. Jason doesn’t notice at first; not until he realizes Tim has moved back to the middle of his wing. Maybe Jason should say something, but he’s not ready for this moment to be over, either. All things must end, though, and this is no exception. Tim’s hand slips from his wing.

i don't remember which line it was exactly but i remember having trouble with this section and reaching out to one of the servers im in for help. ty again abyss and marz <3

“Do… If you want, I could… return the favor,” Jason offers, wincing internally at how hesitant he sounds. He doesn’t realize how much he wants to until Tim shakes his head, and disappointment blooms in his chest. Makes sense, though. In Tim’s place, he’s not sure he’d want himself grooming his wings either. “Not tonight.” Tim glances at the window. The first light of dawn is starting to creep over the horizon. Jason’s brow furrows. He hadn’t realized they’d been here that long—that he had taken so many hours of Tim’s time. He turns back to Tim, opening his mouth to apologize, but this time, Tim is the one to speak first. “But…” There’s something almost nervous creeping around the edges of his expression. “Maybe another day?”

tim's refusal here isn't just about the dawn coming up lmao. it's also definitely because both of them are overwhelmed, emotionally, from this experience haha

but it's also an excuse to see jason again--to see if they can keep this quiet intimacy / new closeness they've developed.

and also ofc i had to throw in a little self-deprecating jason bc i'm me

Jason gives him a two-fingered salute. “‘Til next time,” he says, and then slips out the window, and into the morning light.

i actually really wanted to write part two with this and have them all be one fic, but i was running out of time for jaytim week at this point and while i could have posted late i really wanted to post on time, bc i never had before.

and also this was written and posted in the middle of a really bad couple of months for me, lol, and i wasn't sure i had it in me to write more at the time

but for now! this is where the fic ends <3 i do have the sequel started; i finished the first section and am about to move to tim showing up at jason's place ;) but who knows how long it'll take to write

thank you again for sending this ask and giving me the opportunity to ramble <3

and ALSO thank you to anyone who read all of this, lmao. i hope you enjoyed!!!