#overall i probably wont deactivate (as of right now)

[holdingontogravity]

20170824

dear Holding Onto Gravity, i finally remembered my password but i have been meaning to open this since few weeks ago -- and going here means i have a really, really, really terrible heartache that it affects my overall productivity as a normal human being.

i wrote to friend M just minutes ago,

have you ever felt like sometimes you're feeling left out by your own group of friends and when they find out that's what you're feeling they're kinda like defensive that it's all in my head (well... i cant control my own thoughts sometimes, they poison me and take over my rationality.... it's suffocating tbvh).... and then one by one they kinda like... drift away from you? when i think i'm the one who drifted the farthest, so that they can stay together without me.....

a portion of a thousand heartaches i am going through right now (and probably, for the rest of my life) and maybe the reason why i might go mental sooner or later.

i have been a horrible, inhumane person again. i am tired of writing out the details (to college friends who surprisingly checked on me even if i didn’t seek their time for this) to people i confided with (i had to tell everything so they’d understand i’m not playing victim here, and that i was honestly wrong) so i’ll just state here that bottom line: a group of people prepared something for my post-birthday, i liked it, but on the inside i also felt ??? (left out) about it. they had every right to be mad at me, and i still do not have the courage to even speak to them because... who am i? just an old friend, who’s worse than shit. ye.

maybe some of them assumed i’ve moved on or i’m better, but hell no i am not. after having my anxiety being invalidated, being told to stop acting like the saddest person ever, got called for being the eldest yet i lack the maturity to act accordingly -- i stopped expressing things that would bottle me up. i promised myself no more ranting, no more venting out, no more expression of anything. say good bye to my sanity. you have no idea i would always cry myself to sleep because the pain will always come around, the words i deserve would ring in my head (even in the middle of working, where i will suddenly be idle), the fight will suddenly flash in my memories and i’d be crying alone inside the public bus or on the streets of Ortigas... i was never okay until today (i dont think i’ll ever be. im forever scarred). i honestly wished i could die in any way possible. (thoughts of suicide and death never occurred in my head daily after i was 17...) ‘cause... as long as we are under the same sky this will happen to me, and i just want to die. by hanging or overdosing myself with some strong medicine i wont care what’s it really for. or jump from a footbridge while a truck comes, and surely my flesh and blood will be scattered all over the place like ground pork and bulalo.

why are they the one deactivating or going away? shouldn’t it be me?

then stay. kami na aalis.

you made me feel na napakawalang kwenta kong tao.

hindi ba ikaw ang pinakamatanda dito?

ako nalang ang iiwas, may bestfriend naman ako eh.

and that one very long private message i inbox-zoned until today because i know it’s a new wave of hurt i will receive and i dont think i can handle it. (wala francine, sinumulan mo tong gulo na to tapos hindi mo pala kaya - gago di ba?) i also have a thousand questions i might just leave with the void -- why are they still in my sns? hindi ba kapag galit ang tao, nireremove nila? im utterly confused, though one of them deactivated and i honestly feel responsible for that.

im getting sleepy now and i honestly dont know what else i should write, pero alam ko hindi pa na-pour out lahat ng heartaches na meron ako.

i should come back here tomorrow for a follow up.