#otp: there hasn't been a day that's gone by that i don't regret having left you

[ankahikoibaat]

insp.

[ankahikoibaat]

@littleblackraincloudofcourse sent a few prompts in one ask so I'm posting them separately (thank you for sending them I am EXCITED to write the other two too) this one was: 5 times Neil wanted to tell Emma he loved her and 1 time he did

Emma’s been arrested and Neal wants nothing more than to go see her, tell her he’s sorry, that he loves her, that he’s scared – tell her everything true about himself and let her hate him but at the end of the day. at the end of the day, his fear is larger than anything else and he proves to be his father’s son. (he’s a coward, he knows this, and he hates himself for it.)

Emma, he says some eleven years later, his heart leaping in his chest. there’s no Tamara on his mind, nothing but Emma, Emma, Emma and the startling clarity that comes with seeing the betrayal on her face. I love you, he wants to tell her, but how can he when he left her and she hates him? how can he? (he meets his son a little while later, and he can’t even be angry with her for it. and he loves Henry already, god, does he love Henry already because Henry’s proof that once upon a time – once upon a time Emma loved him back.)

interlude: it’s the wrong time to say it, he knows, but he’s dangling over a portal into another world, bleeding from a bullet wound his fiancee gave him, and Emma’s desperately holding on to him and – he needs to say it so she knows. (he says it but he doesn’t know if she believes him, doesn’t know if the only reason she says it back is because he’s dying in front of her eyes. and then he wakes up, and he thinks – I need to find my family.)

she tells him she loves him, always has, always will, but he hurt her, and Neal knows he did. hearing it hurts, but he’s the reason she’s in pain. he doesn’t tell her he loves her then, only that he’ll be there. he’s not going anywhere. he loves her enough to give her the space and the choice but he’s going to prove to her that he’s changed. he’s not leaving again. (he’ll be brave this time, he swears it. for Emma. for Henry. he’ll be brave.)

his father’s dead. there’s a curse coming. he’s losing Emma and Henry and he just found them, and Neal – Neal barely holds it together when he hugs Emma. he thinks she can feel it, her answering grip as tight. I love you, he does not say, not now. I’ll see you again, is what is written on his face instead. (he’ll cross every line to find them again. he wonders if this is how his father felt for all those years. he gets it now, the desperation, the single-minded focus.)

he’s dying in her lap, and he knew this might be the cost of his choices, but right here, right now, he thinks it was worth it. his father is free, Emma is here, and they’ll be able to fight and win. find Tallahassee, he tells her, and he hopes she hears the unspoken I’ve loved you forever. he looks only at her as everything goes black. (he can’t see his father or he’ll sob. he’ll never see Henry again, but he can’t think of that. he can only look at Emma and tell himself it was worth it. it’s a kind lie he has to tell himself.)

+1. he sits up in the backseat of her car, and the look on her face has his heart skipping a beat. I love you, he tells her after he lies, lies, lies about his unfinished business. he hopes she believes him, he hopes she stops everyone from looking for him and moves on, because he’s stuck and caught, a trap for her and his father and even Henry, and he does not want that. I love you, he says as a goodbye, and does not look back as she calls after him. (love must be fought for, someone’s said once. but sometimes even that’s not enough. love is not enough, but Neal’s okay with that if it means his family is safe.)

++1. I love you, Emma tells him when she finds him again, sobbing into his chest. she finds him, she finds him and she is not letting go and Neal’s terrified and elated but Emma’s made her choice and it’s him. the trap around him is gone, he doesn’t know how, but Emma’s telling him she loves him, Henry’s tugging him back home, and his father’s pulling him into a hug. it feels like a dream. (it’s not. it’s not a dream. it’s miraculously, blessedly real.)