#otherwise i'm not gonna survive this semester

[kaiserouo]

headcanon warning

bonus

no he doesn't

[0dotexe]

I'm really feeling some 𝔽𝔼𝔼𝕃𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕊 tonight and I thought I'd share something from my past that haunts me still.

It has been 18 years since my best friend died, and the memory haunts me. TW for animal death, bullying, family nonsense, the works.

This is gonna get long, I'm sorry.

Some background

Be me, a 13 y/o kid with autism going through the ringer in a catholic school. I have no friends, and most of the kids either bully me or avoid me. I was used to it at that point, but I longed for a friend for so long. I thought I could make some from extracurricular stuff like soccer or the scouts, but I just had this air to me that drove people away.

"Fine" I thought, "who needs friends anyways?" as I continue to try my best to survive.

The summer before the semester began I went to a scout camp that lasted a week. I was far from home and could usually do activities I enjoyed without being forced to socialize much. As my mom picks me up and we go to the peach festival in a town nearby she says there's a surprise for me at home. I cannot guess for the life of me what could be so surprising.

So we get home, technically my grandparents place. I'm greeted with something that genuinely makes the most excited I'll probably ever be in my life. We had cats in the backyard. A momma cat decided our place was suitable and let her kittens hide under a shed.

I immediately go outside and try to see the cats. The momma is surprisingly social but the kittens aren't, obviously. No big deal. I read about this in my giant cat book. I just need to get their trust.

Momma cat (Dyemond) had four kittens. Rocky Road, Cloud, Sprinkles, and Little D. These cats basically took over my life that summer. Grandpa set out a trap, captured Little D, and took him inside so we could give him food and I could socialize with him. His name basically was inspired by a white diamond on his back. Nothing too deep. But anyways.

I literally sit there for hours talking to him, giving him food (his favourite was ice cream), making him comfortable, until he isn't scared anymore. Unfortunately, my grandparents were apprehensive of letting cats stay inside (one part because they're hoarders, one part they didn't have the supplies to house him) so at the end of the day, we'd just let him go back outside. Stupid in hindsight, but I was a kid. I didn't know any better.

One day, I get back home from another grueling day at catholic school. At this point we don't have to trap Little D to have him be comfortable coming up to me, but something is off. He's not as energetic as he normally is, he's not purring, he looks banged up but that's just how cats are, right?

I raise my concerns with my family. Practically begging them to take him to the vet. I do this every fucking day until they finally do on a Friday. I raised this concern a week ago, and they're only JUST NOW getting to it? "Fine, whatever, so long as he's going to get better."

He was taken to the vet in the morning, and I was picked up from school the same afternoon, asking my mom, "What happened? Is Little D okay? What did the vet say?"

I can tell that my mom doesn't want to answer the questions I'm asking but I'm pestering her about it so she finally says, "He has cancer." Thinking I'll leave it at that. No the fuck I won't, I keep prying.

"Oh, so he just needs some medicine to feel better, right? Like chemo or something?"

"He's dead, [REDACTED]." is the last thing I remember hearing my mom say. The weekend following I remember literally nothing. I cannot for the life of me find a single memory of what I did. I asked my family to how I was during that time and they just said, "You didn't say or do anything." I believe this is the point in which my depression started and no one can tell me otherwise.

So, I need to bring up this guy

His name throughout this memory will be called S. I hate him, but I do respect people's privacy. So S was a new student that semester, and he made it his perogative to make my life a living hell. I'm sure he was a bully to everyone else too, but sometimes I feel like he singled me out more often than not. I was an easy target, because no one stood up for me.

S was the kind of guy who once he knew what pushed your buttons, he pushed all of them at once to see what reaction you'd have, and then push them once more for good measure. Even though his bullying affected me a bit, nothing hit me as hard as the day I come back to class after mourning (and still mourning) my only friend.

I was in a religion class (forced onto the curriculum, but I almost never paid attention unless Veggietales was playing, but I digress) and the teacher assigned homework over the weekend. Understandably, I didn't do it. I couldn't hand over my book, open to the page and it's blank. He asks me why I didn't do my homework, so I tell him the truth, "My cat died, I'm sorry." he quiets his voice and apologises, and gives me an opportunity to turn it in next class. I thank him quietly and go back to my desk.

But S had other plans. Oh, of course he did. He eavesdropped on the conversation, trying to find more bait to pester me with. This information seemed to be a goldmine for him as he stands up and yells, "Hey everyone! [REDACTED]'s cat died!"

The world around me stops. I hear a mix of laughter but also some "Dude what the heck" but I don't do anything other than lay my head on my desk, sobbing quietly. The teacher berates him, but he's not sent to the office.

S wasn't expelled until months later, when he called a crush of mine gay. That's neither here nor there, but I do find it kinda funny that, THAT was the defining moment for his expulsion from catholic school. Stay classy, catholics. I remember the day too because when I heard the announcement on the speaker; I almost fell out of my chair and just said out loud, "Thank god. I'm finally free. He's finally gone." Crying of course.

This memory haunts me, for a variety of reasons.

It's up there on one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. It's probably also one of the reasons I left the catholic faith because if someone like him can be a catholic, who else out there could hurt me?

A few years after mourning him, my mom seems annoyed at me, she says to me, "[REDACTED], Sometimes I wish I never told you he died. You just can't seem to get over it. He's just a cat, move on."

He wasn't "Just a cat" he was Little D. He was my best friend. He was euthanized. I wasn't there to comfort him. He loved ice cream. His purr was so loud it could cause an earthquake. I couldn't get him to the vet fast enough. He died. He fucking died. We buried him in the backyard, and I'm just supposed to "get over" that?

We had kept two of the other litter mates and got them to the vet immediately after this incident. Rocky Road and Cloud. Sprinkles just fucked off and was never seen again.

Those two are dead now too (they both lived for about 15 years), any connection I have to that part of my past is now gone. It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I'm sad everytime I think about this. I had to learn as a child to mourn in a way that makes it very hard to express my emotions. When I was at my grandpa's funeral, I couldn't cry. I had to cry in a locked room away from everyone else. My emotions weren't valuable or permitted to express to my family when I was truly suffering, so why show it then?

I don't know how to end this. If this helped you in some way, great. But just know this will never leave me. I can't "get over" it. Almost two decades later and I just can't get it out of my mind.

I'm sorry, Little D. I miss you.

⬖.Exe

[loverlane]

what color are you painting your nails!! :O

and omg???? 47!!!! OUT OF 50!!! IN MEDICINE?:!:!:? we stan a smart pretty queen here hellooooo im SO PROUD OF YOU AAAAA im so happy all your hard work paid off <3

I HOPE YOUR WEEK WILL BE ABSOLUTELY LOVELY TOO i am manifesting the most ideal timetable for you 🤞🏼🤞🏼

also the weasley twins are top notch this is yet another piece of proof to show that you have excellent taste 😮‍💨👌🏼👌🏼

i hope you're able to write as much as you want to this week!! and forever!!!! ilyily <33

I painted them glittery rose gold, one of my favorites !! My nails are already super pink though so it's almost the same color, but it sparkles ✨️

THANK YOU FOR BEING PROUD OF ME !! Besides whether or not I liked the grade I was so relieved that it was finally over, and soon enough the whole semester will be over and I will feel the bliss of 2 weeks off ! (I'm gonna go see a psychiatrist in that time)

I think the more I work the more I learn how to appreciate taking breaks n doing nothing, cause who thought watching a movie and eating snacks was gonna feel like literal heaven at one point.

YOUR MANIFESTING DID WORK BTW!! I have another light week ahead of me, and then three more weeks till the semester is over so that is amazing for me. Thank u so much Ms Ann for being the amazing manifester you are <3

And I'm going insane over the twins, I'm so close to being able to differentiate between them!! I'm so happy hyperfixations are a thing cause idk how I'd survive otherwise.

[james-stark-the-writer]

AYATO UPDATE! and some other life shenanigans

Alright so, I'm finally done with this stupid chapter. Chapter 11 is finally completely done and I am so fucking happy. Part 3 is only 2.5K words before minor edits because I cut out a lot of filler and I couldn't be bothered to be more detailed about things but anyway, it's done, I'll just go over it once more tonight and then I'll upload it tonight, or maybe tomorrow morning depending on when I'm done with it. Plus I'm working on the third chapter of OWAD as well. That's coming soon too. Idk when soon is but probably before the next update for AYATO because chapter 12 is even more of an undertaking than chapter 11 and I am exhausted. But we'll see what happens.

AND WE FINALLY PASSED 90K ON THIS WIP!!!!

But, otherwise, life is.... Doing somewhat terrible honestly lmao. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail US History and have to retake it next semester which makes my 3.8 GPA drop to like a 3.0 or something. uh, my great grandma died a few days ago (no need to feel sorry she was an awful human being and she was like 97, it was gonna happen soon anyway) so my family has kept me busy for a while, I've gained like five kilos in quarantine because I can't be bothered to make anything other than pasta and eat like snacks for food. My mental health is not completely terrible but being single and stuck alone is truly doing some numbers on me. If you follow me on Twitter you should already know this (PS, go follow me on Twitter @ABisexualWriter). But otherwise, I'm fine. The quarantine isn't hitting me super hard because I don't have a job and I have people that support me financially but if it is hitting you hard, I truly wish you get out of the situation safe and unharmed including your family. Remember to wash your hands and do what the government tells you to prevent the outspread. Don't be a dumbass.

But beyond that, yeah, just stay safe, stay inside and keep doing your best to survive.

AYATO taglist: @inexorableblob @hell-yeah-fantasy @lilac-written @aurumni-writes @vviciously @the-real-rg @three-seas-writes @cawolters @writersloth @emilymustwrite @westviews @ashestoashesdusttodust @alessia-writes @mariahwritesstuff @noahanthonyart @rcvolutions @noxcomic @death-over-coffee @vannahhere @ohlooksheswriting @your-art-is-gay @grimmwrites @leo-november @vhum @mendeled @adventurebeneaththewords @shamelesslypoetic @bettsican

[sparklessswift]

19 Things I've Learned in 2019

1. “The desire for positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.” — Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck)

I always thought that "How To Be Happy" things on the internet are true and those things can really change your life if you will try to do so. But while reading this book, I've realized that it's not. That the irony behind thinking of ways to be happy and positive just reminds us of what we are not and of what things we failed to have that we've always wanted. The more we try searching for ways on how to be happy, the more we can't attain happiness.

2. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your choices and decisions.

I've learned that you are the only one who's accountable for everything that you choose to do, for every thoughts that you entertain and for every decisions that you make. The quality of your life is shaped on whatever you want it to be. Whenever you feel like you're carrying a huge amount of emotional baggage, it's because you chose to carry it anyway. You chose to entertain the melancholia, you chose to let it enter your life. Do not blame your situation or even other people. Change the way you see things, make good decisions and choices and the quality of your life will be better.

3. Music is a form of enlightenment towards our true emotions.

I found out that longing to hear sad songs that we can relate to whenever we are feeling sad isn't a sign of tolerating sadness, it means we are trying to fill the gap between what we know and what we feel. Finding the perfect song that explains exactly the way we feel helps us figure out the right words to describe our current emotion. It makes us feel that we are not the only one in the world who's suffering. It's relieving to be so connected to a song that you feel as though, it was written for you.

4. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do.

There are times when we feel as though, people and even ourselves are not worthy to be forgiven and that no amount of apology will cease the burning fire. But one thing I do learned this year is that, forgiveness means letting go. Do yourself a favor and let go of the bad memories, what's important is that you took it as a learned lesson. Let go of the grudges that you kept for so long, it will give you a peace of mind. Let go of the idea that forgiving without hearing an apology is not necessary in life, it is. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you've done in life and forgive those people who have hurt you as well. Release the pain by forgiving so you can finally move on.

5. Self loathe is the most toxic form of hate.

I've learned that there is nothing more toxicating in life than hating your own existence and body. It's like badly wanting a poisonous thing even when you know it is bad for you. It's like loving the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "ME!" because it radiates self-love but there's always a cringeworthy feeling whenever you sing the words "I'm the only one of me, baby that's the fun of me" because you can't feel the message it conveys. And it feels like, no amount of motivation from other people can cure the poison in you. I know it's easier said than done but remember that only you can free yourself from self loathing so might as well start appreciating small things about yourself and sooner or later you will realize that it's fun to be the only one of you.

6. Being 18 is challenging. While it may be true that each year has its own challenge, being 18 is quite different. It's the time when your mind starts forming questions about life, existence, and future. It's like a climax to your own story, exciting as it may seem but it contains setbacks, challenges and a hundred thousand pieces of inspirations needed in order to thrive harder. In order to believe that you can pursue your dream of reaching the happily ever after.

7. Appreciate high school moments while they last. Realizing how fast the time has flown after my journey in high school is something I wish I was ready for. Funny how we're so attached to a moment from the past (e.g. graduation) that everytime we remember it, there's this bubble of thoughts appearing in our heads with the line “it felt like yesterday” and it feels so bittersweet. If there's one thing I can teach the other generations, it is to always appreciate each moment while it lasts. After all, moments will become memories that will forever be stuck in our head so might as well enjoy your high school life and make good memories out of it.

8. We are all temporary in everyone else's lives and that's normal. It feels relieving when you realize that each person that we meet has a temporary role in our lives. We are bound to lose connection with someone whom we thought will never leave us, we're bound to cut ties with people who are not good for us, and we're bound to be left behind or leave not because we want to but because we just crossed paths with each other, we aren't really travelling the same path not as what we thought we are. Learn how to appreciate someone's presence and learn how to accept someone's absence.

9. Do not drown yourself in the thought that internet validation is important. It is definitely okay to dump the idea that you're living in the wrong generation if you think likes/reactions, comments and shares are not important. Most people today still haven't come to realize that the internet has not just open-sourced information, it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt, and shame. And we have to open our minds about it. Life is happier the moment you realize that you should not give a damn about what other people think of your posts.

10. Do not jump on hate trends in social media just because it's in. Cancel culture has made a noise in the internet this year and suddenly everyone are bragging their freedom of speech because they are jumping on the bandwagon (or should I say, we're? 😂) But one thing I do learned from all the hate trends is to be discerning. This is the best time you can practice cherry-picking and only utter a word when you think you really need to or when you think it is appropriate to do so. Just as Taylor Swift said, “You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace and control your urges to scream about all the people you hate”.

11. Being attached to someone does not mean you're into that person. Attachment is way too different than love and even infatuation. It needs not to be stereotyped. Sometimes all you have to do is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt about how you feel and you will realize the true value of a person to you.

12. The hardest struggle in life that we can ever experience is something that is related with our family. Indeed home is where the heart is. Family is our major source of inspiration and it can also be our major source of distraction whenever there are unforeseen circumstances going on. And I think dealing with those circumstances is the hardest struggle to face because there will always be a pain in your chest wherever you go that is inevitable. The pain that lies deep within you but bleeds through the surface of your body that you can't hide.

13. College is way too different than high school and you should be ready for it. Of course, culture shock will always be there the moment you enter college. You will start comparing high school and college in every single details, you will randomly reminisce high school memories while walking in the hallway and you will remember how easy passing the exams and getting high grades back then. In my first semester in college, I've learned that you will never survive if you are ill-spirited, proscrastinator, lazy and weak student. I've learned that college is survival and in survival, you should not come with unnecessary gears. I'm sorry Taylor Swift but in college, you should not bring a knife to a gun fight.😃

14. It's okay to have few friends atleast they are real. Making friends is hard and no one can convince me otherwise. People's intentions to you are confusing nowadays and it's hard to trust another set of new people. I've realized that the amount of friends has nothing to do about how you enjoy your life. What's important is that you have friends who are honest as the day is long.

15. Listen more, say less. This year I've learned the value of lending ears to those who are in need of it and even to situations that require much understanding before saying an opinion to avoid any conflict.  Do not be easily carried away by your emotions to the extent that you're no longer thinking if what you are going to say is appropriate to the situation. On the other hand, there are times that people who are venting out their problems do not need any piece of advice, what they need is someone who is understanding enough to spend time listening to their rants.

16. Things that are gonna make your life more interesting are things that you should say yes to. — Taylor Swift

Progress doesn't come in the blink of an eye. You need to challenge yourself to do new things in order to make a progress. It is even more okay to step out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to grow. Life will be more interesting when you accept challenges with conviction.

17. Follow accounts on social media who are good for your mental health. Do yourself a favor and start unfollowing accounts that triggers your anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. Your feed should only contain things that motivates you and people that inspires you to be like them. It should not be a place to start who-did-it-better or who's-best-at-life competitions.

18. Acceptance takes time. I have learned that it is okay to still question things that happened to you 6 years ago. It's okay to still cry everytime it pops up in your head, it's okay if you are not a hundred percent healed and it's okay to have a mind with not enough understanding about the situations that you've been to even if it happened a long time ago. God put you there for a reason. You have to keep in mind that acceptance has no definitive time frame. Healing doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. It will just happen.

19. Procrastination can ruin your goals in life.

There will be no further explanation, there will just be procrastination. 😎

[softedwin]

Hey! I admire you so much for being confident about going to uni in the UK, like from the very beginning!! I'm starting uni back home in a few weeks and I'm already freaking out about it and and a potential semester abroad tbh.. any advice on how to survive the first few weeks when you're dealing with depression/anxiety? Because I think you're doing amazing, sweetie 😘

ahh first of all, thank you!!

idk if it’s any advice but I would say it’s okay to be freaked out? like I was honest to god terrified and I’m not gonna lie, I had like several panic attacks on the first day and thought about dropping out. but when I asked my other friends who had been to uni before (and some even already graduated), they told me that it’s completely okay because the first week always seems hard and they had felt like me in the first week as well. but don’t get stuck on it because it’ll get better, you just have to fight your way through it. and I think in Germany they aren’t really strict with attendance, right? they really are at my uni which I’m grateful for because I can’t say I’m not getting out of bed because of my depression, otherwise my attendance will suck and I’ll just have more trouble. so idk maybe pretend there’s an attendance list for days when you think you can’t get out of bed but like honestly I’ve learned a lot just by attending the lectures, so it really is worth going there even if you don’t feel like going. also, try to connect with people (especially in your course) as soon as possible. like I got stuck sometimes in the first weeks because of assignments, the workload, etc. and the friend I made helped me so much, I’m so grateful that I found her

I hope I could help you and if you ever need anything, just drop me a message

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

To the People Who Think I'm "Exaggerating" My Celiac Disease or Dietary Needs

New blog post! "She says she has celiac disease? How do you even know that's for real? I bet she just likes the attention." "She's not gonna get sick from someone using the same freakin' kitchen utensils to make her food. Stop exaggerating." "Her whooole life revolves around this so-called 'disease.' How is that healthy?" I have celiac disease...and these are just a few of the things I've had said about me, and my chronic illness this year.

Before these comments rose up, I thought I'd faced about every challenge I could related to living with celiac disease. I've been hospitalized for malnutrition when going gluten free initially wasn't enough to heal me from intestinal damage. I've survived college (and once I graduate this coming May, grad school as well) while cooking all of my own gluten free meals. I've created strong - romantic and otherwise - relationships. I've even learned how to eat gluten free for $35 a week or less.

But 2019 made it painfully obvious that I hadn't faced one obstacle that, unfortunately, is far more common than it should be: people being bullied or criticized because of their food allergies or celiac disease. 

I've read plenty of stories in gluten free support groups about families or friends who make rude remarks or believe that "a little wheat can't hurt." Two years ago, I even shared a horrific news article on my blog's Facebook page about how a teen with a dairy allergy died from bullies allegedly giving him cheese. I can't say how others who have been bullied - or, at the very least, criticized for their dietary restrictions - reacted. I know that in my particular situation, I wasn't given the chance or in the proper mindset to respond to my own bout of critical comments as thoroughly and educationally as I would like. So, here's what I wish I had said instead:

I wish I had said that having an invisible illness doesn't make my illness any less real. 

All through college, I feel extremely fortunate that I was not bullied for my celiac disease (though I did receive my fair share of ignorant comments). I think that partly resulted, though, from the fact that I looked sick for a majority of my college experience. During the first semester of my freshman year, I was hospitalized for celiac complications, vitamin deficiencies and malnutrition, and my hallmates made a get-well poster to hang on my dorm room door. I was literally known around my small campus not only as the "gluten free girl," but also as the girl who was hospitalized freshman year.

Nowadays, I'm still thin and I'm obviously still eating gluten free. However, I'm no longer wasting away, and with eating gluten free being a common fad nowadays, I can understand how people might be able to look at me and not believe that I'm sick. But celiac disease is real and affects one percent of Americans. Invisible illnesses are real, and 96% of people who have an illness actually don't "show" it. And we shouldn't have to wear our medical diagnoses on our sleeves in order for our condition to be believed.

I wish I had explained more about how dangerous even a small amount of gluten exposure is for people with celiac disease.

Honestly, I could talk about the problem of cross-contact (or when gluten-free foods make contact with gluten-containing foods and are no longer safe for celiacs to eat; also often referred to as "cross contamination) for hoooours. Because here's the thing. Being gluten free is a whole lot easier nowadays than it used to be. Most "regular" (and by that, I mean non-health-food-only) grocery stores carry gluten free options, and tons of new gluten free products seem to be popping up every year. You can even find a gluten free menu or a few gluten free options at many chain restaurants.

However, not all "gluten free" food items are safe for people with celiac disease. According to a 2015 poll, 1 in 5 people in the US avoid or lower the amount of gluten in their diet, even though only one percent of Americans have celiac disease. And as it has become more "popular" to be gluten free (even without a medical reason to do so) more restaurants and products have been releasing options that are "gluten friendly," "gluten lite" or made with gluten free ingredients but in a gluten-filled environment that promotes a high degree of cross-contact. 

Now to someone who knows nothing about celiac disease, I get how "high maintenance" or "exaggerated" it may sound to say that I can't eat the pumpkin pie filling out of the gluten-filled crust with no problems or eat with the same knife that was just used to cut into wheat bread. But it only takes 1/164th of an average slice of bread to create enough gluten to damage someone with celiac disease. So crumbs really can be dangerous when you're living with celiac disease. 

And I wish I had said that celiac disease isn't my whole life, but is inevitably a BIG part of it. 

How can it not be when celiac disease controls every single bite of food I put in my mouth, as well as where I can safely eat, what beauty products I feel comfortable using and even what my future children's lives could look like? Because of my "public" online presence, I do talk about celiac disease more than perhaps the average person who lives with it...but I'm OK with people wrongly assuming I'm only my disease if sharing my story helps even just one person feel less alone or more optimistic about their recent celiac diagnosis.

Right now, there is no "cure" for celiac disease except following a gluten free diet, and I will have celiac disease for the rest of my life. But as much as it does influence what I eat and my daily routine, celiac disease has also made me an even more determined, empathetic and adaptable person, and those are skills I will be happy to utilize for the rest of my (gluten free) life.

At the end of the day, I can't control what you - or anyone else - think of me or my diet.

However, if you've ever made comments like the ones listed at the beginning of my post, I hope this article will help you think of people's dietary restrictions in a different light. And if you've ever been the target of such comments, know you're not alone...and the three points I've mentioned might be a good starting place for how you respond in the future. Have you ever been bullied or criticized for your chronic illness or dietary restrictions? How do you react? Tell me in the comments! via Blogger https://ift.tt/2EWG7Vl

[wildcherrypepsihero]

I have nobody to brag to without feeling like a jerk so I'm just gonna post here that I only got one B this semester!!! My GPA survived the grade (of course, my anxiety makes B's seem so much worse??) and if I get all A's for the next three semesters, I'll graduate summa cum laude! Otherwise I'll graduate magna cum laude and that's pretty good too!!