#or. it's a couple of weeks later. edward had a bit of a breakdown in the intervening time. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hydra-collector · 5 years ago

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love & death & kisses

AO3

Pairings: Anxceit, platonic Analogical

Characters: Virgil Sanders, Janus Sanders, Logan Sanders, Roman Sanders (mentioned), Remus Sanders (mentioned)

TW: suicide attempts, self-harm, cursing, panic attacks, v v v slightly implied sexual content, food

Words: 4,153

Summary: Virgil meets someone.

Note: Human AU, I’m bad at naming, bad at summaries, Janus is ooc, i swear this is one of my better fics

Rain seeped into Virgil’s clothes, making him even colder than he already was. He’d forgotten his umbrella at work, so he’d have to get it tomorrow. Funny how things work that way. You put things off to the side for a rainy day, but when you need them they’re not there.

A tall, slim man stood beside him. He would usually avoid other people at the train station as much as he could, but he didn’t care at this point. He was cold, tired, in a depressive episode, and frankly too out of it to care.

The other man didn’t have an umbrella either, but seemed much less bothered by it. He checked his phone occasionally, but only typed something once or twice, aside from a seemingly frustrating venture on Google Maps from what Virgil could see. He was more on edge by whatever he was seeing on his phone than the weather.

“Excuse me, do you know where the nearest hotel is?”

The first thing he noticed was that the man was absolutely beautiful.

The second was his scar.

A wide scar, seemingly a burn mark, covered the entirety of the left side of his face. It traveled down his neck and past his shirt where Virgil couldn’t see it. His left hand had it as well, a pair of gloves stuffed in his pocket. His eyes were also heterochromatic, one much paler than the dark brown of the other.

Virgil didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially after the earlier events of the day, but he tried his best. He subtly hugged his side to provide pressure comfort.

“I think there’s one a couple blocks from Edwards Station. I don’t remember if it’s south or north. I can check.”

Virgil pulled out his own phone and found that it was half a mile north. Logan had sent him a text asking him why he was so late. He didn’t want to explain that he had to spend an hour on a bench in the pouring rain, trying to calm down from a panic attack. The stranger confirmed and checked his phone again, sighing when he didn’t find what he wanted.

Virgil could see his screen slightly. He’d been talking to a contact named April, both of them using a lot of cursewords angrily at each other. It looked like a pretty bad breakup. He figured he’d been kicked out.

The train arrived a few minutes after that. Virgil was never going to be comfortable with the thought of a big, heavy object rocketing in his general direction, but he wasn’t attempting suicide or anything at the moment. He learned to deal with it.

“Sorry, Logan, I’m here now.”

Logan had been Virgil’s roommate for almost three years now. He’d been his best friend even longer. He was the one there for him when he needed it most.

“What happened?”

Logan was making dinner for the two of them, which Virgil was disappointed to find out. The rule was they could make each other meals, but whoever made it got to choose what it was, and Virgil has never known Logan to make anything junkier than chili. Virgil had got him to eat macaroni and cheese a few times, so he counted that as a win.

“I… had a pretty bad panic attack.”

“Is there anything I can do to help now?”

“I think I’ll be okay. You don’t give bad hugs, though.”

Logan smiled slightly and hugged his friend firmly. He’d looked up the best ways to comfort people physically and figured out what was best for Virgil.

“Thanks, L. What’s for dinner?”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to make it yourself.”

“Hey, you have plenty! You’re using two pans!”

“You hate fish, Virgil.”

“That’s fish? Ew.”

“What did you think it was?”

Virgil shrugged.

“Go get dry clothes.”

Virgil changed into another, softer hoodie and sweatpants. He figured he’d get something to eat later. He could go a couple hours scrolling on Tumblr or something before he’d be really hungry.

When he turned his phone on, it was still open to the hotel directions.

I hope that guy’s alright.

He’d seen him a few times before, he realized. The unmistakable bleached hair against the man’s dark clothing he recognized had never been put to a face, but he’d been at the train station a few times before. Virgil vaguely wondered if he got off work at the same time as he did and it was a coincidence seeing him today since his whole thing with April, or whoever.

You don’t know what happened, shut up.

Virgil squeezed his arm with his fingernails, hoping to make his self-hate go away.

Today was exhausting.

He didn’t want to go to work the next day.

He’d had another bad day. His boss complained about the quality of his work again. It seemed he was fucking everything up lately. He’d gotten Roman angry at him for an insult accidentally personal, and Logan angry at him because he’d started cutting again. Who could blame him, though? It was just so much easier to cope by hurting than actually trying to help himself. At least he was still showering.

At least it wasn’t raining.

It felt like it, though. There was weight on his shoulders and chest, and he needed to cry. He wished he could afford a therapist. Then again, did he even deserve help?

Stop.

His inner voice was right. He should stop being so self-deprecating, it was annoying, he’d always been an attention seek-

Stop.

Virgil exhaled, rubbing his forehead and sitting down on the bench instead of standing for the train.

“Didn’t get to thank you. For the directions.”

“Hm?”

It was the man again. This was the first time he’d seen him in the few days since then.

“I needed a place to stay, thanks for telling me where it was. I tried looking it up, then texting my girlfriend to ask her if… I ran out of data, I wouldn’t have been able to get there if you didn’t tell me.”

“Oh. You’re welcome. Glad you found the hotel.”

He half-wished he didn’t have to talk to anyone right now, but something drew him towards this man.

And then he initiated a conversation. For once in his life.

“You just get off work?”

“Yeah. I work at the zoo. Reptile house.”

“Wow. I just have a boring tech job. I’m assuming you like reptiles, which one’s your favorite?”

“It’s basic, but I’ve always liked snakes. I have three.”

“I could never handle snakes. I know they probably won’t hurt me, but I’m anxious about everything.”

Am I oversharing? Should I be talking about my anxiety? Is that weird?

“I have a deathly fear of spiders, so that’s valid.”

Virgil would have said something else, but the train came, and it was difficult to talk onboard. It was weird how easy it was to talk to this person, even though he’d just met him.

They’d got to talking about snakes.

Big breeds, small breeds, the most dangerous, the least dangerous kinds of snakes. Virgil swore he was being converted to like reptiles by this man. He talked about them with so much excitement, more than he showed any other time. Mostly he was calm and collected, a bit like Logan.

“I never got your name.”

“Oh, it’s Janus.”

Like, Janice?

“As in the Roman god, not like suburban mom.”

“Ah. Virgil.”

Neither of them smiled often, so whenever someone who knew them saw the smile, it always made them a bit happier as well. It was already happening with them, even a week or two into knowing each other.

“What kind of snakes do you have?”

“I’ve got a green tree python, a corn snake, and a ball python. Diana, Mercury, Liber.”

“All Roman names, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m a bit of a nerd.”

“It’s fitting.”

It was so easy to talk to him. More so than any other stranger. Usually he’d get anxious and all his energy would be expended (he usually had a mental breakdown if it was a lot of people). Something about him, the way he talks, moves, looks at Virgil. He’s like a reptile.

Don’t get a crush on him. He’s probably straight.

Maybe he isn’t, though. He could be bi or pan or something.

The train interrupted their conversation, but Virgil kept glancing over at Janus throughout. He was looking down at his phone, he must’ve gotten more service. Virgil got off after him, but it gave him time to consider Janus before he got home.

“Logan, I’m getting a crush on a straight guy and I just found out his name today.”

“You’re odd, Virgil.”

“He’s hot. And he likes snakes.”

“You hate snakes. Wouldn’t someone with an interest in spiders be more akin to you?”

“...He’s scared of spiders.”

“Virgil…”

And he did get a crush on Janus.

They talked every day they saw each other, finally remembering they could exchange numbers. They spent months getting to know each other with pretty limited interactions, as neither of them texted or called much anyway. It wasn’t exactly a good thing, though, because he either spent his time at work thinking about Janus, panicking because his boss was mad at him because he wasn’t doing his work (because he was thinking about Janus), or completely depressed because he was angry at her for giving him a panic attack. And the cycle would continue.

It turned out April was his girlfriend, and they’d been in an unhappy relationship for a year or so. He was glad she’d broke it off, but was left without a house for a while. He’d managed to share an apartment with his friend Remus and that was going okay. Virgil didn’t tell him about his depression, but was open enough about his anxiety. Luckily for Virgil, he mentioned an ex-boyfriend.

He was not straight. Maybe he had a chance.

Are you kidding? He’s not gonna want to date you, worthless bitch. You can’t make him deal with your mental health, and he probably hates you anyway.

Their interactions were mostly limited to the train station, but that only meant Virgil appreciated them even more.

Still, he wished he could be happy.

The only times he was were, well, when he was talking to Janus and when Logan gave him hugs. Talking to Logan was enjoyable, but he kept reminding himself about everything going on, everything wrong with himself, how he kept fucking up, and cutting and wanting to kill himself. With Janus, he forgot. It was so easy to smile and laugh at sarcastic jokes and the cute things he did, like blush when he laughed and stick out his tongue unintentionally.

Time flew by when they were together. There wasn’t enough time before the train came to talk nearly as long as Virgil would have liked. Still, every interaction was worth it. His love for Janus grew the more he talked about what he does, and he actually seemed interested in Virgil’s job, even though he swore it must be the most boring on the planet.

“I think you’ve conquered my fear of snakes, Janus.”

“What’s this? I’ve shown my little ball of anxiety the ways of the snake with my own love for him and reptiles.”

My little ball of anxiety? And did he just say he loved me?

Was he thinking about this too much?

One corner of his mouth was raised in a smile and Virgil couldn’t help but blush, however much he wanted to ignore it. Janus chuckled slightly and picked up the conversation again, mentioning how Diana had gotten out and managed to get herself on the couch. Virgil proceeded as well, debating whether it meant anything or not.

Virgil felt sick.

He felt all things horrible. Depressed, anxious, angry, hopeless, and worthless.

Over and over it repeated.

“I’m afraid someone as unstable as you isn’t fit to work here.”

Unstable.

Unhealthy.

Worthless.

Useless.

What was he going to do? He wouldn’t have money to keep living with Logan, he had to go through the stress of finding another job, people would judge him, he wouldn’t even be able to eat.

There was nothing he could do.

He trembled as he made his way to the train station. He was going to have a panic attack. Hell, maybe he was already having a panic attack. He wanted to cry but he wouldn’t cry. He had to go home and explain to Logan and he’d just have to live until-

No you don’t.

Of course he didn’t.

He was going to the train station, goddamnit.

He rubbed his hands on his face, static buzzing in his ears as tears almost came. This was going to be okay. It was all going to be okay. Finally.

He went up a different set of stairs, avoiding Janus. As he walked, the static slowly faded and was replaced with silence. Chosen silence, that is. He could hear the cars and the wind and the rain that had just begun to fall.

Fitting.

The train was early today, thank God. Its rumbling was familiar from the distance.

He took his last few steps to the edge of the platform, ignoring the tiny bit of anxiety that came with jumping down. He vaguely heard his name called over and over by the deep voice he knew well by now. He ignored it as well, starting with a slow walk, letting the raindrops soak into his hoodie. The walk sped up, and the rain got heavier, blurring out the train’s lights in a pretty way. He forced the muffled sound of his name out again, but it was getting louder.

There’s nothing you can do.

The walk got faster and turned into a run. He needed to catch the train before it slowed down.

Funny. Catching the train.

His ears pounded with the silence. So many things to distract him, things he loved. The awful sound of rain, knowing you’re going to get wet, but reveling in it anyway. The patter of feet on ground, now wood and gravel. And his voice, his beautiful voice.

The screech from the train stopped all other sounds, even splitting the silence in the bubble he created. It was warm, he hoped it was blood, so warm, so wonderfully warm.

Janus had never hugged Virgil.

He’d assumed he wasn’t one for being touchy-feely. He was tall and handsome, like the stereotypical distant, sexy man. But he wasn’t distant. He was there when Virgil needed him, even if he didn’t always know it. He put a hand on his shoulder or took Virgil’s hands in his to calm him down. He wished he’d gotten to know what kind of embrace he would have. Was it soft? Was it firm like Logan’s? Was it too tight? Was it always awkward like some people’s?

More than that, he wanted to know how his kisses were.

He imagined them soft, then passionate. Like something Virgil had always needed, the sweet feeling of pure love. He imagined he was the type to give solemn forehead kisses when a moment was serious, and short nose ones when the moments were playful. He imagined he’d kiss wherever he could on someone’s face, on his cheeks and chin, nose, lips, neck. They’d all be perfect for the occasion. There was a difference between a peck on someone’s cheek and smushing his lips against someone’s face. A slow kiss to the jaw was different from a badly-aimed one. Every subtle difference in position would say something new.

“I love you.”

“Shut up.”

“I need you right now.”

“You need me.”

He wished he’d learned every message. He wished he’d kissed Janus before today. He wished he’d at least told him and got rejected like he knew he would. He wished he could have everything. A hug and a kiss saying ‘it’s going to be okay. Nothing’s gonna happen to you. It’s-’

“-going to be okay.”

The sound of the rain hit the stones sharply, akin to the feeling on his back. Voices shouting, his voice, and a new sound.

His heart.

Virgil let himself sink into the rhythm and the feeling of warmth that encompassed him. Something was soft through the damp fabric, moving slightly every now and then. It was the pressure of something, a body-

-Janus.

He opened his eyes to see the blurry outline of blond hair covering Janus’s face. He raised his arm slowly to push it away, just then noticing the arms wrapped tightly around him, using the most of their surface area.

Janus’s eyes were beautiful and sad, was he- crying? Virgil couldn’t tell if it was the rain or tears until he sobbed, hugging Virgil even tighter, burying his face in his shoulder and muttering words Virgil couldn’t hear.

Virgil realized he was crying too. Of course he was crying, he was… alive.

He was alive.

“I’m sorry, Virgil. Please, please know I’m here for you.”

Virgil said nothing, still mute from shock. So many things happened just then, and now he was being hugged. And it was perfect, despite the rain.

“I could’ve- should’ve died.”

“No, Virgil, you shouldn’t have. You couldn’t have, I’d never let you.”

Did he really care?

“I need to- I need to tell you something.”

This could go horribly wrong.

I don’t care anymore. I’ve made the most impulsive decision of my life today, might as well make another.

Virgil took his hand to push Janus’s chin up, thumb tracing the scar closer to his lips.

“Can I-”

“Can I kiss you, Jan?”

He let his head drop towards Virgil’s, lips so close now. He would have smiled his snake smile if he could have felt an ounce of a smile.

Virgil pressed his parted lips to Janus’s, hand resting on the back of his neck. He pulled his fingers through his wet hair, feeling its softness even now.

It was everything he had imagined.

At first it was soft and tender, but Janus deepened it, hand wriggling out from under Virgil to hold his face. The raindrops drowned out that moment from the outside world. Janus’s heart quickened, as did Virgil’s, but they both relaxed into it. The scar was rough against Virgil’s face sometimes, but it only made him want him more. All either of them could hear were the raindrops contrasting with their hearts.

Virgil wanted to kiss him longer, hold this forever. When they did break, Janus laid his burned cheek against Virgil’s.

“Do you need to go home?”

He thought of Logan and how upset he was when Virgil cut, how hard he tried and how bad he felt for him. And how bad Virgil felt for hurting him.

“Can we go to your place? It’s... closer.”

“Oh- I suppose we could. I doubt Remus will be there.”

They avoided the people trying to help Virgil, weaving through the few scattered onlookers, Janus’s arm resting around Virgil’s waist. Virgil was scared he would have a panic attack again and tried to focus on Janus.

He called a cab as he wasn’t about to take the train after that, and sat in the backseat with Virgil, not letting him go for a second. It was expensive and Virgil tried to get Janus to let him pay, but he didn’t have much of an argument. Janus half-carried Virgil up the stairs and into his apartment.

It was clean, which Virgil guessed was Janus’s doing given what he’d said about Remus, and fairly dark. It wasn’t the kind of dark that made you feel uneasy, but rather as in lighted only with soft ambient light. He didn’t get a good look at their living room before Janus pulled him into his bedroom. It was painted a pretty yellow and lit with a color changing lamp, which Janus turned to purple.

He sat Virgil down on the bed, who was still rather dazed from the day. Janus rummaged through his clothing drawers until he found a shirt smaller than the others and an old-looking pair of sweatpants.

“Here, you can change into this.”

Janus grabbed some clothes for himself and left the room for a moment, allowing him privacy. Virgil removed his soaked hoodie and Evanescence t-shirt, putting on the soft purple one Janus had found. It had short sleeves, but he didn’t have anything to lose at this point. He put on the sweatpants, soft and warm and opened the door for Janus. He was changed into a big hoodie that Virgil would kill to wear.

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yeah, I- I think so. Sorry about the, the cuts.”

“It’s okay, Virgil. If you want me to get you something with long sleeves-”

“I think I’ll just end up stealing your hoodie at some point. Otherwise… it’s fine.”

“Okay.”

Virgil sat down on the bed again, craving the soft blankets. Janus took his spot beside him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders.

“Thanks, Jan. It- I’m, I’m alive because of you. I don’t know how I could repay that.”

“Tell me when this happens, and I’d die happy.”

Virgil smiled, leaning against Janus. He pushed himself against the wall, pulling Virgil along with him. He heaved the thick blanket around him and Virgil, but mostly Virgil. He snuggled into the weight and comfort, still sitting against Janus as if he were the only thing keeping him balanced.

“What happened today?”

“I got… fired. ‘Cause I’m too depressed to work. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“I can help you find a job, V. It doesn’t have to be the end.”

“Sometimes it just… feels that way. Like you’re never going to get out of this pit of loneliness and you’re sure everyone hates you, and you’re so scared something will go wrong all the time even though you don’t really care.”

“I don’t hate you. And I know you can end this the healthy way. Shall we start with some ice cream?”

“Ice cream’s not exactly healthy, Janus.”

“Ssshh.”

He left for a moment and returned with two tubs of chocolate ice cream and a spoon for each of them.

“No bowls? And two whole tubs?”

“Mhm. It’s better that way. And you could have both of them if you asked.”

“Nah, you deserve some ice cream too. I probably hurt you a lot by doing that.”

“Mm-mm, Virgil. You’re hurting, not me. Self-care rule number one: you’re better than everyone for a while, put your feelings first.”

“I’m not.”

“Pretend. Now, what would you like to do?”

Virgil considered the question for a moment. It might be nice to listen to music, or to distract himself with a game or movie, but he didn’t really want that.

“Honestly?”

“Yes.”

“I… want to kiss you.”

Janus turned pink for a moment, before smiling his smile with one corner of his mouth.

Before he could say anything that he wanted to, Virgil kissed that smile. He wondered what it would be like to do so many times, so he wasn’t going to miss his opportunity. He put his ice cream down to hold Janus’s face with cold fingers, savoring the feeling of the little half-smile turning surprised and then into a giddy smile that began to kiss back. Virgil grinned when it ended, looking back into Janus’s eyes.

“So you’re going to surprise kiss me now?”

“Yep-”

Janus, just as quickly as Virgil had, kissed him quick on the nose, eliciting a blush from Virgil this time.

“Unfair, Janus.”

“Nah.”

“I’m gonna pout and eat my ice cream now.”

“Is there anything else we can do while eating ice cream?”

“I suppose we could watch a movie.”

“Lion King?”

“...Lion King? I mean, yeah, sure, okay!”

He smiled as Janus put the movie on, his familiar excitement seeping through. Virgil managed to wrestle the soft hoodie from him, revealing that one, he had no shirt, and two, that Virgil would cuddle Janus’s burn marks and he appreciated that. As Virgil fell asleep next to him, he pressed his lips to his forehead, who was just awake enough to feel.

And one by one, the messages were unlocked to him. Once, after a dance, came the desperate, passionate kiss that told him “I need to kiss you.” One Disney marathon he came to feel the peppered kisses on his cheeks that said “You’re adorable.” After a weekend trip alone he got the long cheek kiss that said ‘I missed you.’ When he finally got a job, he was given the messy kiss, cheeks held tight that said “I’m so proud of you.” One tired night he blushed at the kisses on his jaw and neck that said “You’re hot and I’m bored.”

And again and again and again, the tender forehead kisses that said “I’m here for you. I love you.”

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bindi-the-skunk · 4 years ago

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Night is day and day is night In a world that's lost its mind! chapter four

Robert thankfully proved to not be willing to stick around and as soon as the couple got a few hours sleep they got up, dressed, and made their way out the door with the alpha jotting down a quick note so they did not have to deal with the reprocutions from not doing just that.

"Are you hungry? We can grab some breakfast" Robert suggested, still sensing something was off about his mate despite getting some precious sleep.

"No, it's too early in the day and my stomach is still trying to revolt against me" Henry chuckled, trying to temporarily forget what they had walked out of.

"I think your blood sugar is low, lets just get some buttered toast, it will help, I know you have not been taking care of yourself, drinking by yourself in your office is not breakfast" Robert smiled, feeling a bit guilty at having left the other man behind the other night and even mildly encouraging his bad habit by taking his own swig of the wine bottle and calling it social drinking and therefore perfectly fine.

Jekyll briefly considered calling him out on that statement but decided that, yes, some bread to soak up whatever was upsetting his stomach (no doubt something Hyde drank) would be best and might give him enough energy to handle whatever the rest of the day had in store.

A small cafe proved to be just what they were looking for, it was still early so there was only one other patron there sipping some coffee and ordering toast was an easy task and the two sat at a bench.

"So...what cake do you want?" Henry asked well he added some jam to his toast feeling a bit better "I know we both like chocolate, but should we do something different? Lemon could be interesting..."

Robert gave his mate a weird look "You hate lemon...and you hate grape jam..."

The omega looked down to see, yes indeed, he had put grape jam on his toast, that was...concerning, perhaps the events of the night were just getting to him? It was also very early in the morning, that must be it, the nightmares going back into his head with Hyde and finally getting some rest and dealing with the grog of waking from a deep sleep was just causing a mild case of weirdness.

Or was it? The knowing look Robert was giving him...the nausea...the bloody CRAVINGS of things he normally HATED? Those two weeks of fun they engaged in with no interruptions...nor PROTECTION...doing things not even Hyde would have touched...it was not like it was bad news...they were mated legally, but there could be no weeks and weeks of planning...the papers would have a field day if they saw a visibly pregnant omega getting married, even if the couple was already mated.

By the time it was appropriate to announce the pregnancy, everyone would have the wedding in the back of their mind and the idea of a baby in the front of so no one would have too much time to think about timing.

This was going to be just LOVELY to explain to the lodgers..maybe now they would listen to him...and ..oh God...Roberts PARENTS...would they have to explain? They could put together a proper wedding in a week, saying they just wanted to get it all over with, fanfare not being how they wanted to 'start' out...

And his DRINKING...Hyde's drinking! That was WORSE! Edward's roof hopping and falling down...bar fights, battle with that crazy man, the potion...how would THAT affect a growing baby?! He would be lucky if it was not born with two heads!

"Let's go to the hospital and confirm it" Robert suggested, sounding calm, but internally he was panicked, his mate was at least a month gone, not to mention the switching between two forms and the drinking which HE had encouraged...they would need to move fast with this, with any hope this would mean they could guilt his parents into letting the ceremony slide because of the baby, they would certainly give mercy to the omega's delicate condition? Then they of course would have to raise it, a shy little angel looking up at them with big scarlet or chocolate eyes, even his father would be unable to resist! His mother would definitely coo and cuddle him or her.

He would not let them get pulled into this...by the time the babe was of age for their ceremony, his parents would be too old to object to him saying to leave the tradition behind, he would have taken the head of the family title and get rid of it.

A quick wedding and they would have to get help with moving now...perhaps the lodgers would help? Though they were acting rather rude to Henry as of late...but the idea of being a royal ass to a pregnant omega might change their tunes a bit...at least enough to prevent a hormonal breakdown, though getting a muzzle for that old bat in the attic was tempting...highly unlikely she would change her tune, not a whole lot of maternal instinct there...

Anyway...Hospital first, pet store later

---

"Well, your a little over six weeks it looks like" the nurse smiled as she handed the couple a photograph "congratulations, baby looks healthy as can be, your stress levels however are high, I can recommend some books that can give you some tips on how to bring it down"

"Thank you very much," Henry said honestly, not sure how much it would help considering he would be unable to spend the rest of the pregnancy away from the Society and Roberts father, perhaps only one...

Now that everything was revealed to be alright, the alpha was puffing like a peacock with new feathers and anyone with eyes or nose would see he was ecstatic from not only his eyes lit up like a torch but the thick smell of apples and cinnamon in the air that he did not bother to try and suppress and the smell of peppermints soon joined it making the nurse giggle at the two, she loved her job!

"Let's go back home and get a little bit more sleep," Robert said, knowing they still had a lot to plan for, but they could leave it be for a few hours, rest was what his mate needed, and he would be lying if some grogginess was not starting to creep up on his eyelids as well.

Neither of them expected what they would find outside after getting the book and walking out admiring the ultrasound picture.

"The hospital? I certainly hope nothing is wrong"

Actions

#Mpreg #male pregnancy #TGS #tgs jekyll #Tgs Hyde #the glass scientists #The glass scientists AU #glass scientists #Jekyon #Robert Lanyon X Henry Jekyll #TGS Serial!killer AU

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gxdsetmxnsters · 4 years ago

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You’re the One Thing I Can’t Let Go

Originally posted on both Wattpad and Ao3 ; Vent fic ; Scriddler ; mentions of domestic violence : unhealthy relationships : alcohol : sex : unhealthy coping mechanisms

"I dunno what happened," Edward blubbered before angrily wiping his runny nose.

He was slumped against the chair he was sitting at with Selina sitting across from him with a concerned look on her face. It wasn't every day that Edward Nygma, aka the Riddler, dropped in for a visit, and it was much less common for him to come to her apartment in the beginning stages of a breakdown. Scratch that, it was something that'd never happened before, and she considered Edward a close enough friend to be concerned for his general wellbeing and current state.

"Try to explain," Selina said soothingly, unsure if reaching across the small kitchen table and putting a reassuring hand on Edward would help calm him down or cause more problems than it was worth.

"Dunno, dunno," Edward whined softly. He drew up his knees and balanced on the chair, hugging them to his chest. Selina almost asked if he wanted to move to the living room as the couch was more comfortable than a chair, but refrained. If Edward wanted to move he'd either do so himself or ask if he could.

"Was it Jon?" Selina asked carefully, knowing she had guessed correctly with the way Edward stiffened and sniffled loudly.

"Iddint always," Edward said, his current state making his words sound nasally and pinched. "It's always that prick."

"What happened?" Selina pressed, leaning forward and eyeing Edward, concern growing for the man in front of her.

She was well aware of the relationship between Edward and Jonathan, as was the majority of the other rogues, but only she, as far as she knew, was fully aware of how dysfunctional the relationship truly was. Sure the relationship itself was dysfunctional at best but it went deeper than just the simple assumption that it was dysfunctional.

The fact of the matter was the relationship bordered on being nearly as bad as Joker and Harley's relationship, but granted for different reasons. Selina had learned of this when Edward had shown up on her doorstep nearly a year ago with a busted lip and the clear signs that he'd been gassed with Jonathan's Fear Toxin.

Having managed to pry information out of Edward then, Selina had been mildly horrified by the behaviors and actions Edward and Jonathan took out on each other. She'd learned that such fights happened at least two to three times a week from arguments that often started out being petty.

Edward had confessed that he was at much of fault as Jonathan was for their "domestics", having given the other man more than one concussion by hitting him with his cane, and even the one time occurrence of breaking the man's arm, of which Jonathan had returned in kind.

"Jon didn't gas you again, did he?" Selina inspected the still crying Edward in front of her, relieved to see that there were, at least, no outwardly signs of Edward being, or having been, affected by the Toxin.

"Nuh uh," Edward shook his head and sneezed, easing his legs down so he was sitting normally.

Selina sighed before getting up and grabbing Edward the box of tissues that was sitting on the kitchen counter.

"I'm glad to hear that at least." Selina skid the box of tissues over to Edward who grabbed a few and wiped his nose. "I still don't understand why you're with him though."

"Not... Not all his fault." Edward hiccuped and looked at Selina with his red watery eyes. "I'm just as... just as at fault..."

He blew his nose again and Selina waited patiently for him to continue, sensing that he wished to.

"Sometimes... sometimes I wonder why I'm with him myself," Edward confessed. "I... I know it's not the best but I... can't stay away. I know it's probably bad, but I care about the bastard. Probably too much..."

His eyes lost focus as he zoned out, an odd detached look on his face a stark contrast to the emotional one he'd had moments before.

"Edward," Selina reached over and gently placed a hand on his to bring him back into the moment.

Edward jumped and yanked his hand away from Selina's, yes wide and wild looking before he calmed himself down. "Sorry 'lina."

Selina smiled slightly and waved a hand, "It's ok Ed, your reaction was to be expected."

Edward nodded before looking down at his hands which were now resting in his lap.

"Edward?" Selina prompted. "What happened tonight if Jon didn't gas you?"

"I..." Edward glanced up briefly before looking back down at his hands. "I don't know... I think it was another fight but... I don't know. All I remember is... All I remember is that Jon somehow managed to... confirm and deny something in the same breath and I..." Edward hiccuped again as fresh tears slid down his face.

"You're doing great Ed," Selina soothed again, "tell me what he confirmed and denied at the same time."

"I..." Edward sniffed and Selina fought the urge to make a face at how disgusting it sounded.

"Y-You know that for the past... two years Jon and I have... b-been a thing b-but it was never... anything official..."

Selina nodded slowly, "I'm aware of the fact, yes."

Truthfully she understood that part. Labeling someone as your partner, of the same sex or not, had its own set of problems in their line of 'work' so it was often not something that actively happened, or was made known, the majority of the time.

"W-Well," Edward's voice wavered as he started to subconsciously tear the tissue in his hands to shreds. "Somehow Jon and I... we got into a fight again and I thought... I thought it was gonna get bad 'lina, like real bad."

His forlorn eyes met hers again and Selina felt a tug on her heart strings. She hated seeing Edward like this. Whatever had happened to the normally upbeat and arrogant rogue must've been extremely bad if he was reduced to this, but Selina also knew the skills and talent Jonathan had at picking someone apart psychologically. It was one of the things that made him one of the more dangerous of Gotham's criminals.

"But... I don't know what happened," Edward continued quietly, shoulders hunched forward. "I don't know if Jon picked up on... what I was think of asking him or if it was something else but... he effectively acknowledged that I was his boyfriend before he..." Edward's voice cracked as a new wave of sobs wracked his body. "Before he broke up with me. Who does that? Who acknowledges after two years of being together that they're actually a couple before breaking up with them?"

His tone was laced with anger now, and Selina knit her eyebrows together, trying to formulate a response.

"I don't know," she confessed, deciding to be honest with him.

"Jon does, that's who." Edward bit out his words before he stood up and started pacing. He wiped at his eyes and took a deep breath to steady his nerves. "Fuck I need a drink. Do you have anything?"

"No," Selina said, "and I don't think you should be drinking either. It won't help anything."

"Fuck if I care!" Edward turned on his heel and glared at Selina. "I don't care if it'll help anything in the distant future, what I do care about is getting rid of this damn pain I'm feeling because I was emotionally hurt!"

"I know you were," Selina said, backing up slightly as Edward advanced on her. She slowly reached for the knife that was sitting on the cutting board. She'd been in the middle of fixing dinner for herself when Edward had interrupted her.

"Don't you dare," Edward growled, noticing the movement.

Selina sighed and raised her hands up in surrender. "Ok Edward, but you have to listen to me. Drinking away your problems will only make things worse. I know things hurt right now but you're stronger than this. You're better than this."

"Am I?" Edward's voice softened but it held a touch of bitterness. "Am I better than this? Stronger than this?"

"You are," Selina said, "don't end up like your father."

Wrong thing to say, and Selina realized her mistake too late.

"DON'T YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN," Edward yelled. "I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT SON OF A BITCH."

"I'm sorry," Selina said, wincing at the raised volume in her small kitchen.

"I'm fucking leaving," Edward bit out, stalking towards the door that led to the hallway. "And I'm going to drink."

"Oswald won't take kindly to you getting drunk at his bar," Selina warned.

"Does it look like I'm going to go to that place?" Edward snapped. "I don't need the whole fucking city to know about what happened. No, I know of somewhere else that I can get drinks."

Edward let out a huff of annoyance as he left Selina's apartment, slamming the door behind him. He could careless if she was going to be mad at him for that later or not. The only thing that was on his mind right in that very moment was the idea of getting very, very drunk. A small part of him knew that Selina was right, getting drunk wasn't a solution to his problems but it would sure as hell numb the feelings he was going through and that was enough to convince Edward to do it.

Stumbling through the back alleys of Gotham, he found his way to the seedy bar he'd discovered years ago when he'd just been starting out on the criminal scene. The place was horrendously dirty but had good cheap liquor for those looking to get drunk quickly, as well as... other things. Yes, Edward mused to himself, perhaps tonight he would drown himself in liquor and sex, there was no other options that sounded appealing to him in that moment.

Edward failed to notice that Selina had followed him and that she was frowning deeply at his chosen place to self destruct. She may not have been able to stop him from going, not at least without getting hurt in the process, but that didn't mean she still wasn't going to stop looking out for him. She opted to leave him for the time being, expecting to find a very angry Scarecrow at her door demanding answers. Perhaps she'd give him one, after she finished carving up his face with her claws.

Feeling considerably more cheerful at the idea, Selina made quick work of heading back to her apartment and not a moment too soon. Not even five minutes after getting back there was a pounding on her door and Selina rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"For fucks sake Jon, I'll be there in a minute!" She hollered, taking her sweet time getting up from where she'd settled herself on the couch and walking over to her front door.

Jonathan paused mid knock as Selina yanked open the door and scowled at him.

"Where's Edward?" Jon had the gall to have a guilty look on his face, which only made Selina madder than she already was.

An indignant hiss came from her before she reached up and slapped him across the face.

"How dare you!" She raged as Jonathan took a step back, eyes wide with shock as he raised a hand to his stinging cheek.

"How dare you come here asking for someone that clearly wants nothing to do with you right now, and how dare you have the nerve to ask me where he is as if you didn't hurt his feelings!"

"So I did hurt him," Jon said in a low voice, a flash of guilt crossed his face.

"Of course you did!" Selina snarled. "And you're lucky that I have enough restraint in me to not claw your eyes out."

"I'd like to see you try, child." Jonathan's face darkened as a hand slipped into his pocket.

"Don't you go all Scarecrow on me," Selina narrowed her eyes. "Ed's not here. He was, but then he left."

"You didn't try and stop him?" Jon mimicked her by also narrowing his eyes.

"No." Selina huffed, "I tried but I didn't want to fight him. That would've been like kicking a man already down and while I normally love doing something like that, I don't do it to people I care about."

She put emphasis on the last few words and smirked inwardly as a look of guilt crossed Jonathan's features again. So the good doctor could actually feel emotions.

"Where is he if not here?" Jon glanced around distractedly. "I need to apologize. It hasn't occurred to me that something mattered that much to him."

"I don't know," Selina crossed her arms.

"You're lying." Jonathan's eye's snapped to hers. "Where. Is. He."

"Like hell I'm telling you if you're going to barge in on him with threats," Selina growled. "Especially since I know how you treat him."

"I-" Jonathan open and shit his mouth. "You know about that?"

"Yes I know about That," Selina retorted. "I know quite a lot more than you think I do, so don't go around acting like I don't."

"I see..." Jonathan thought for a moment. "You're still lying about knowing where he is. You do. Tell me. I promise I won't say or do anything to harm him when I do find him. I just want to make sure he's safe."

"Should've thought about that before you went and fucked shit up," Selina said darkly.

"Selina, I will only ask nicely one more time," Jonathan said. "Where. Is. Edward."

Selina eyed the man in front of her and quickly assessed whether or not if she should tell him where Edward was. There was genuine concern in Jon's eyes as well as worry. She also knew that Jon would not leave until he'd gotten an answer and while normally Selina could wait such behavior out, her greater concern was for Edward. If she was engaged in a stupid dominance battle with Jon, Edward had no one to make sure he was ok after he was done with whatever self destructive binge he was currently on.

"Fine." Selina relented. "But I'm only telling you because I'm worried about Edward, I don't care about anything else, much less how you feel."

"Fine by me," Jonathan said with a shrug. "So?"

Selina told him the address and Jonathan gave a quick nod and a short word of thanks before leaving. Selina shut the door and leaned against it, giving a short prayer that things would go smoothly.

Jonathan eyed the building he was approaching with disgust. It was shabby and barely looked like it was holding up. How on earth had Edward discovered a place like this? He stalked up to the door steeling himself to enter before the door fling itself open and Edward came stumbling out.

Jonathan was quick to grab him before he face planted and he screwed his nose up at the stench of alcohol and sex that clung to the man in his arms.

Edward made a sound of protest and wiggled out of Jonathan's grip, a slurred apology falling from his mouth as he realized who he'd ran into.

"Jonathan!" Edward glared at the other man and took a drunken swing of which Jonathan was able to easily side step.

"Edward darling," Jonathan tried to soothe as he continued to side step Edward's attempted swings.

"Don't 'darling' me," Edward scowled as he took a step forward but misjudged his foot placement and ended up tripping.

Acting on reflex, Jonathan caught Edward and wrapped his arms around the genius that was now struggling to break out of his grip.

"Edward, listen to me," Jonathan said quietly. "I wanted to apologize for what I had said. I was not aware that such things held actual meaning to you as we've been moderately happy with how things had been for the past two years. It was my mistake."

Edward paused in his struggles and peered up at Jonathan's face. Even in his drunken state, he was aware enough to where he knew Jonathan was being sincere.

"Reeaaalllllyyyy?" Edward slurred, still not completely convinced.

"Yes, really," Jonathan said. "Now then, why don't we make it back to our apartment so that I can put you to bed and make you something that'll help with the unavoidable hangover you'll have tomorrow?"

"Can't walk..." Edward muttered, all too happy to be slumped against Jonathan's body. Perhaps he was too quick to accept Jonathan's apology, but he was drunk after all, and apologies were few and far between where Jonathan was involved so even hearing one was enough for even Edward's currently inhibited mind to realize Jonathan was genuinely sorry for his actions.

"Don't worry my dear," Jonathan smirked as he picked Edward up bridal style. Edward yelped and wrapped his arms around Jonathan's neck, causing the taller man to chuckle softly.

"Don't worry, I won't drop you," Jonathan said. "In fact, I don't think I'll be letting go of you for a long while..."

He started to make his way to their shared apartment which he realized wasn't too far away from where they currently where. Interesting, he'd have to make note of it if Edward ever ended up running off to sulk again. Speaking of which... perhaps once he settled Edward into bed he'd pay a visit to whom ever had slept with his partner and touched what was his.

He busied himself with the thoughts of what he'd do to them as Edward let out a snore, completely passed out.

"As expected," Jonathan sighed quietly.

He passed under a half open window, the music drifting down to the street below.

I'm wondering why do all the monsters come out at night? Why do we sleep where we want to hide? Why do I run back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?

#enigmatic fear oc #enigmatic fear writing #scriddler #scarecrow #riddler #jonathan crane #edward nigma #edward nygma #scarecrow x riddler #cranigma #riddlecrow #vent fic #wattpad #archive of our own #monsters #monsters all time low

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better-be-reddie · 5 years ago

Text

Absconding, Aberrations, & Alligators

'It starts with Richie standing on a small stage in front of a decent crowd. It's been a good four months since his giant fuck up in Chicago- four months since the great Sewer Tour sequel- working title. He's finally working to get his career back on its feet, before he no longer has an agent or manager or all the other people that make his career somewhat functional. They're starting him off small, a test run to see if he's over whatever mental breakdown that caused him to bomb his last show and cancel the tour he'd been in the middle of. Spoiler Alert: he was just getting started.'

Richie takes an impromptu trip to Florida, somehow it all works out.

Hey! So I posted this fic to ao3 awhile ago but now that I have a blog I’m porting it here too. Rated T for language I guess No warnings, just 11,000 words feat. Richie’s gay crisis.

It starts with Richie standing on a small stage in front of a decent crowd. It's been a good four months since his giant fuck up in Chicago- four months since the great Sewer Tour sequel- working title . He's finally working to get his career back on its feet, before he no longer has an agent or manager or all the other people that make his career somewhat functional. They're starting him off small, a test run to see if he's over whatever mental breakdown that caused him to bomb his last show and cancel the tour he'd been in the middle of.

Spoiler Alert: he was just getting started.

Apparently Richie "Trashmouth" Tozier was never really off his bullshit. It's just, the nearly nonexistent filter he did manage to keep was corroding faster than he could keep track. And if he's being honest, it didn't actually start on that meager lounge stage in LA.It didn't even start three months ago when answering a knock at his front door forced him face to face with one Edward Kaspbrak, fresh from serving his now ex wife-mother monstrosity divorce papers.

"Just looking for a place to lie low for a bit." Eddie had shrugged in front of his small mountain of suitcases.

"What and they ran out of fucking housing in New York?" Richie had come back with.

"Fuck you, man! You said if I ever needed-"

"Yeah yeah," Richie made sure to cut off the would-be rant, "Get in here then." He'd said, throwing the door open and stepping aside, letting Eddie into his sorry excuse of living quarters.

He quipped and sassed his best in order to keep the fact that he was internally screaming hidden. Especially when he noticed all of Eddie's little facial ticks giving away just how abysmal he found Richie's standard of living. The thing was, when they had parted ways in Derry, Richie had been ready to let go, to push down his feelings and the impossible level of affection he'd held for his friend. Afterall he had lived twenty-something odd years of his life without Eddie, so he reasoned that he could keep on living without him.

That's what he had told himself anyway, over, and over, and over in the month it took Eddie to just show up unannounced. Richie didn't want to admit just how awful his pining had gotten those four weeks alone, but it had been bad. Somehow being reacquainted with the man had set off his aching heart almost more than he could care to control. But no, this shitstorm he was about to set off didn't start that day three months ago, nor any of the subsequent days after wherein Eddie settled in and became an integral part of Richie's daily routine. It didn't even start those four months ago when Richie walked into that damn Chinese restaurant and saw Eddie for the first time in decades, which had him falling dick-first into one hell of a sexuality crisis. Again. It didn't start when they were awkward, gangly thirteen year olds and Richie was stabbing his hands full of splinters in order to carve an embarrassing hommage to his dear first love on the rails of the Kissing Bridge. If Richie was being honest with himself, which he rarely ever was, he would admit that it all started a good thirty-four years or so ago when Richie was fresh into the first grade. Sometime after he'd mastered his ABC's but before he got his glasses that would magnify his eyes and really solidify his place as a loser; early enough that Richie would brag about being a master of mud-pies but back before anyone knew he was certifiably blind, except for Stan and Bill who worked as mediocre guide-dogs while everyone else just labeled him as a clumsy kid.

It was a cool fall day when Stan and Bill hadn't been around which left Richie particularly vulnerable to his "clumsiness", this time to the result of him tripping and scraping his hands up. Richie had huffed and tried to wipe the mud off his palms and onto his pants when a pair of sneakers entered his bleary vision.

"You should really clean off that dirt." The newcomer spoke.

"What?" Richie had asked dumbly.

The smaller boy sighed and readjusted the fanny pack strapped to his waist before replying, "If you don't wash the dirt out and patch up your cuts they'll get infected and you'll die."

Richie had been startled but also bemused. He got cuts and scrapes all the time, and was almost always covered in dirt from playing.

"I won't die!"

The boy shook his head, "my mommy told me that if you keep dirt in a cut it'll go bad. You don't want to have to go to the doctor and sit in the awful rooms just to make sure they don't need to cut anything off."

Richie laughed, "That sounds fake, why would they cut anything off?"

"If the cut goes bad they might have to!" The boy spoke, growing irritable, "Know what? Forget it, I might have something in my pack." The boy dug around in his overly stuffed fanny pack making Richie smile."Got it, now hold still and let me fix your gross hands." The boy said, followed with, "I'm Eddie, by the way."

Richie's smile grew at how the boys- how Eddie's voice turned shy as he introduced himself.

"I'm Richie."

It was that moment, decades ago on a school playground, that had started the chain of events that would build, and build, and build until Richie was so unbelievably in love that he would never really be able to move past it. It was the first domino in a series of ridiculous and probably ill advised life decisions that would leave him standing on a small stage in LA about to segue into his next joke featuring the infamous "girlfriend" character his writers just loved him to bitch about. It was a bit that he had rehashed over and over in his different routines, this new variation he had mastered last week before ever setting foot in the small lounge.

That was probably why his mind was elsewhere as he began, he was debating in the back of his head what Eddie would like for dinner later, whether he should pick up take out on his way home or it took him a moment to realize that the next words out of his mouth were not exactly what he'd practiced from his script,

"So, my boyfriend Eddie and I decided to try and -" Richie stumbled on the sentence, his brain kicking in a moment too late as a couple surprised noises came from the audience, and a few claps and hollers rang out.

Thirty- something odd years of pining and daydreams of the day he'd finally get to call Eddie his had finally broken through his shitty barrier and merged his fantasies with reality. Boom. Domino effect.

Richie began to realize not only had he just come out, unscripted onstage, but also that this show was being streamed online...live.

He also knew that he couldn't afford to fuck this up, or make it look like he'd fucked up again so he stumbled his way through through rest of the sentence and ad-libbed the joke with alarming grace considering he felt like he was about to throw up.

His manager was going to kill him.

He knew taking it back would have only ruined the show made it even more impossibly awkward, so he pushed on until the act was complete, rushing off the stage a little more quickly than he normally would, if only so he could hide behind the scenes and panic good and proper.

If Richie's manager didn't take him out in the next five minutes, Eddie surely would.

---

Richie had less than five minutes alone to panic in the dingy back hallway that lead to the club's emergency exit before his manager was marching up to him.

"You had one job!"

"I-I know!" Richie said, voice possibly a tad strained.

"Rich, what the hell."

"I know !"

"You're single handedly making me go grey! Okay calm down- we can- we can roll with this- see online opinion polls and then come up with a strategy. God we might have to renegotiate-"

But Richie wasn't listening to him anymore, he didn't have the brain capacity to listen or be grateful to the man who had, once again, watched as Richie doused himself in gasoline and lit a match. He should have felt bad for the guy, and maybe when his own panic died down he would, his manager was only trying to offer an extinguisher. He definitely felt like he was on fire- and not in the good way of speaking. Sweat dripped off his brow and his skin prickled as his stomach churned, twisting and writhing itself into knots. All he seemed to be aware of was the near constant vibration against his thigh that his phone was giving off, as it blew up with notifications.

Richie's hands shook as he reached for his device, the finger scanner refusing to work due to the alarming dampness of his hands. He unlocked the phone using his code instead and balked at the notifications. He could see Bev’s name pop up next a bold 10 to indicate how many messages she alone had sent so far, and the little numbers over his text app were steadily going up as the rest of the losers blasted him.

Great.

Good to know he had an audience.

His heart seized as the screen changed suddenly and Eddie's picture took over, blocking his home screen. It was a great picture, a wonderful candid Richie had taken of Eddie in one of his full blown road rage meltdowns. Richie had laughed heartily when he'd seen how the picture turned out; Eddie, on the other hand, had been less pleased and demanded he delete it. Naturally Richie made it the man's profile picture instead. The photo always managed to get a giggle or smile out of him as if he were some schoolgirl with a crush. He wasn't laughing now. His eyes darted between Eddie's comically angry face and the green answer call button. Richie felt frozen unable to respond as the tightness in his chest grew, he felt dizzy as the walls closed in around him. The vibration of the phone stopped and the screen flipped back to his home page. A new notification for another missed call appeared, followed seconds later by a notification for a new voicemail.

Richie gasped and began to move quickly towards the exit door shouting an excuse to his manager who called out in alarm behind him. He all but fell against the metal door and staggered out into the hot LA sun, the thick air and humidity nowhere near the relief he wanted against his already flushed skin.

His phone jumped to life once more, vibrating in his hands as Eddie's familiar picture flashed onto the screen once more. Richie gulped and swiped over the green answer button and brought the device up to his ear with shaking hands.

"Richie? Fucking finally- what the hell?"

Richie's eyes widened and he quickly hung up, nearly dropping the phone in order to do so. He didn't know whether to laugh or scream, an uncanny hysteria bubbled in his chest and everything just felt like too much. Eddie must hate him. There was no way he couldn't. His phone alerted him to text another text.

Eddie.

'You better have been disconnected.'

Richie's phone rang again. Richie swiped to ignore.

'Pick up. We need to talk.'

Panic seized him. There was literally no good reasoning behind the phrase ' We need to talk.' God, he even added a period at the end. His phone rang. The panic boiled, crested in a mind blanking peak.

Richie blinked owlishly at the broken remains of his phone. Shattered against the dirty pavement of the alley. Great.

"Hey...Rich?"

Richie definitely did not jump. He turned to see his manager behind him, peeking out from the door.

"You good bud?"

He was definitely not good.

"Yeah. Yeah, sorry."

"Okay, okay, you sure? Cause you sort of seem not good?"

Richie had a strong sense of deja vu all of the sudden. He shook his head. His mind was coming back online and he had no idea what he was supposed to do. He couldn't just stroll into his house like nothing was wrong, Eddie was waiting for him at home and Richie liked his dick attached to him thanks. He looked back to the shattered phone.

"Hey can I borrow your phone?" His manager side-eyed him dubiously, cautiously and then the broken phone on the ground.

"I guess- as long as it isn't going to end up like that."

Richie's first instinct had been to call Bill, he was closest afterall, and he was the man with a plan; but that would have been his most obvious move. Eddie would no doubt storm the place in the midst of a rage so deep Richie didn't even want to picture it. So Bill had been mentally crossed off his list. Stan, Richie loved , as much as he could platonically love someone, but that would be obvious too. Plus he and Patty had been on somewhat of a retreat. Something about doing something relaxing and therapeutic after nearly dying and Richie really didn't feel like intruding on that. Beverly would have his back. She would laugh in his fucking face, but she would also give him one of her hugs after and let him mope. The problem with Bev though, is that she came with Ben. Now Richie adored Ben, it was literally impossible not to, however all it would take was one angry look from Eddie and the man would crumble faster than a house of cards in a hurricane. He couldn't lie for shit, especially when emotions were high. And that really left Richie with one last alternative. Which is how he found himself stepping off a plane, with no more than his wallet and the clothes on his back, half way across the god damn country, in fucking Florida. Richie looked around the airport as if it had personally offended him, and honestly it sort of did simply for being located in such a subpar fucking state. He really didn't see what the hell Mike saw in the place. He really didn't get it. Speaking of Mike.

"Richie!"

Richie looked up and saw the man of the hour waving him over. Mike beamed at him and greeted him with arms wide open.

"It's good to see you man!" Mike said,

"Yeah, yeah you too." Richie agreed.

It was good to see Mike again, they'd stayed in contact the same way they all had; through group chats and Skype calls mostly but this was the first time since they all separated in Derry that Richie had seen Mike in person. He really wished it was for better reasons. And not in Florida.

"Alright, let's get your bags and then we can head out. There's a good diner not far from my place, I think you'll enjoy it."

Richie shuffled awkwardly, "I'm all here man!"

Mike looked confused for a moment then somewhat incredulous."You- you're all-? Did you not bring anything with you?"

"I said it was an impromptu trip didn't I?" Richie said.

The look Mike shot him appeared as if he were waiting for Richie to crack a joke, when none were forthcoming his brows raised.

"Alright man. I guess we can stop and pick you up some stuff you'll need. I have an extra toothbrush at home you can-"

"You were always the most prepared outta us!" Richie cheered possibly putting too much energy into a...toothbrush.

Richie knew it was weird, the whole situation was weird. He knew it was weird, and he knew Mike now knew it was weird. He could only hope that his fake enthusiasm could be obnoxiously distracting enough that Mike would let it slide unquestioned.

"Uh-huh." Mike said still eyeing him up, "Well, follow me I guess."

Richie breathed out a sigh that at least they weren't going to have this conversation in the middle of the Arrivals gate.

Mike's home was small but cozy, it had the foundations of something older with character that had maybe been remodeled sometime in its recent history. The living areas were clean but cluttered; books, and notebooks, and loose leaf were strewn around in somewhat organized heaps that probably made sense to Mike and Mike alone. The home was nestled amongst a forest of tall trees and brush that gave a sense of privacy, and to the side was a barely visible trail which Mike had pointed to when they pulled up and told him went straight to a little beach. Richie had eyed it dubiously, on one hand, beach day but on the other hand, he didn't feel like running into any gators, or snakes, or whatever the fuck else lived in this hellscape of a state. If he wanted to die that badly he would've stayed in LA thank you.

The first night the two of them had enjoyed boxes of take out which were supplemented by maybe a bit too much alcohol. They talked into the night, catching up in a roundabout way that dodged the elephant in the room. Of course that was mostly in part to the way Richie would circle the conversation back around to another of Mike's many research projects whenever the man looked like he was readying himself to broach the subject on what the real reason for Richie's visit was. Apparently Mike had been in an out of service area at the time of Richie's show and either hadn't yet heard about the disaster that it was or was too polite to corner him about it. Still, it sort of left Richie feeling like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then again, that could have also been caused by the fact that he was still without a phone and thus had no clue how extensive the damage he caused actually was. Well, he had a tiny idea. He'd already ruined the best damn thing in his pathetic life, what did the rest of it matter? Richie ended up taking the bottle of vodka to bed with him that night.

The next day Mike took them both into town to pick up some more things for Richie under the disguise of grocery shopping. During which, Mike casually asked if Richie was thinking of replacing his phone.

"You said it broke right?"

"Yeah," he sighed, " Yeah, okay I guess I should get on that."

Before his manager had a full on aneurysm. He was sure his publicists were already dead from shock or stress.

After spending way too long in a small outlet shop in a nearby strip mall Richie finally had a new phone set up. Richie played with the device as Mike drove them back towards his house. He hadn't turned it on yet, he simply passed the phone from hand to hand, it gave him something to do. He got the same model as the one he'd broken so that he could keep using his old SIM card. He told himself that he would turn it on once he got inside, face the music. Of course once the two made it back Richie went about the rest of his day doing anything but set up his phone. Richie even let Mike lead him down the death trail to the small beach, which would have been really nice had it not been in Florida.

"And not a gator in sight!" Richie said enthusiastically as he sat on the sandy shore.

"You joke, but that pic I sent you guys last week was only a twenty minute walk from here, in a river that a-ways." Mike gestured behind and to the left of where they sat and Richie shot him a dirty look.

"I came here to try and relax."

Mike only laughed.

That night, after the sun had set in a myriad of colors much less impressive than the ones which shone in good ol' Cali. Richie found himself curled on a deck chair Mike had on his front stoop, watching the moths and other bugs circle the porch lights with an intense fixation, the darker it got the more of them had appeared. His phone was once again in his hands. It had been charging all afternoon, face down on the coffee table. He sighed and finally stopped his fidgeting to turn his attention to the device. He waited for it to load up after he turned it on. Before long he was staring at the familiar screen, there was only about a second of silence before the phone jumped to life and loaded the-

Jesus Christ -over a hundred notifications. He felt a little bad as he skimmed over the list of people vying for his attention, mostly he had messages from the Losers. Maybe it had been a kind of dick move to drop off the face of the earth for two days. He quickly turned to his email. He winced at the couple he had from sponsors. Well, former sponsors he assumed without having to open them.

He instead concentrated on the email from his manager.

'Alright Rich, I'm assuming you still have access to email, despite your sudden vacation but please make sure you tell me when you have a reliable phone, I'd like to discuss some things further. Good news: Your live-stream is trending, and there's been a lot of supportive interest within a whole new demographic. With a little work-shopping we can pull this all back together and make something out of it. Bad news: we lost a few sponsors, some of the higher ups weren't happy with your unpredictability. Also there's been some negative press from some previous demographics, as well as some confusion on whether you were serious in your bit. After hashing things out with the team we think you should start forming more of an online presence, we are working on getting your Twitter verified. Make a statement, control the flow of rumors, if you would like I can talk to the writers about coming up with a statement for you. We need to encourage support from this new demographic by reassuring people your coming out bit wasn't just a bad joke. Call me once you've read this, and get your ass back to LA.'

Richie let out a shuddering breath. A bit of the hysteria he had felt back in LA had begun to crawl up his spine. He could feel his pulse quicken at the mere thought of taking to social media, especially to what? Tell everyone he's gay? Again? Hadn't the first time been horrific and awkward enough?

His teeth clenched together as he worked his jaw until it ached, his breath seemed to burn his nostrils and tightly wound throat with every motion. Emotion thick and cloying wrapped around him until he felt as if he were drowning. He felt the sudden urge to jump up and run. As if he had anywhere to go in fucking Florida that wouldn't end with him in the jaws of some ugly reptile.

He placed his phone to the side and rubbed his hands together, feeling inexplicably dirty suddenly. He had run half way across the country and he still felt just as bad as he had in LA. All the gross intrusive thoughts were still there, the voices telling him how disgusting he was, how he'd disappointed his friends, driven them off. That he'd wind up sad and alone again. Behind that overwhelming fear was shame, shame that he had been lying for so fucking long, and yet behind that was the fear of anyone finding out, which circled back to more shame over his feelings to begin with. He shot his phone a scathing look. His manager wanted a statement? What the fuck was he supposed to say? What the actual hell was he supposed to Tweet out? ' Hi guys, it's true, I love cock but don't worry I hate myself more than any of you ever could!' ? Yeah, like that would go over well. Richie tried to amuse himself by picturing the look on his publicists face. God, it was suddenly even more tempting. Though he really couldn't afford to lose another one, especially while dealing with this latest fuck up. He wondered if he should finally face the music, open up all of the Losers unread messages. He opened his messenger app and immediately felt even more overwhelmed. His thumb hovering over the list of names. His eyes fixated on 'Eds '. Still, he hesitated. Terrified by what he'd see.

A small part of him tried to hold onto the sliver of optimistic news his manager had relayed, however it seemed slippery and hard to keep hold of it lieu of all the other shit. He pressed down over Eddie's contact name and held until it highlighted and with shaking hands he quickly deleted the message thread, erasing all of their previous conversations as well as the slew of unread messages. Almost immediately he felt as if his stomach had fallen into his gut. Regret and fear churned in him and he felt more strongly than ever as if he'd lost something. Richie startled as his phone buzzed obnoxiously; he looked down, heart in his throat, expecting to see Eddie's picture and was surprised to instead see Stan's.

He swallowed thickly before accepting the call.

"Hello?" Richie winced at how tepid his voice sounded.

"So, he is alive." Said Stan, dryly.

Richie groaned and slumped even lower in his chair, covering his face with one hand as if blocking his vision could also block out his embarrassment. There was a beat of silence before Stan asked,"So, what's going on Rich?"

And Richie couldn't help it, all the stress and emotional upheaval- that fact he was in Florida of all places - hit him all at once and bubbled up. First as a near silent giggle, then falling apart into gasping, full bodied laughs. Tears tracked down from his cheeks and Richie honestly couldn't tell what sort of emotion was behind them. Stan, bless his heart, waited patiently for him to gather his wits and calm himself down before prompting him again with a: "Yeah?"

Richie nodded despite knowing no one could see him, "Yeah." He agreed.

"The groups been pretty worried." Stan pushed gently.

"I- I don't know what to say." Richie admitted, feeling his guts churn with unease.

"Well, that really is something isn't it?" Stan said, "not everyday we find something that shuts you up."

And Richie can't help the startled laugh that escapes his throat. Despite his unease, his fear, the smile doesn't leave right away."It's been an eventful few days." He finally agrees.

"And how do you feel?"

Richie pulled a face, "Who are you? My therapist?"

"Pretty much except the pay is shit. Now answer the question."

Richie sighed, "I feel-" he cut himself off trying to discern a word he could use, "bad."

Surprisingly Stan didn't mock him for his eloquence, or lack thereof.

Richie tried again. "I'm…"

His guts continued to knot and squirm until he had to physically draw up his long legs to his chest, hoping for a respite, "I feel kinda sick."

"You always did get queasy when your nerves were high. You threw up on the first day of school."

"How the fuck do you remember that?"

"Like I'd ever let you forget. You threw up all over Greta Keene's light up shoes."

Richie groaned, "I mean, she kinda ended up deserving it?"

"True." There was another beat of silence, but this one was much less awkward.

Richie looked out into the dark foliage, lost in thoughts. "I can feel you thinking." Stan said softly.

"I fucked up."

"A bit, but probably not as much as you fear."

"I-I doubt that. Did you- Did you see it? The show?" Richie asked tentatively.

"Yes," Stan said after a moment's pause, "not while it was live...but afterwards."

"Then you know I fucked up."

"Yes, but as I said-"

"I don't know what to do." Richie interrupted Richie could hear Stan sigh through the phone.

It didn't sound like a noise made out of frustration but Richie's own self doubt was making him question everything.

"It's okay to be scared."

Richie felt his throat constrict at the words and he had to close his eyes against their sudden burning. He suddenly really wished Stan was here with him.

"I- I am. Scared." He said, haltingly.

"That's okay. You're not alone though, you know that right? You don't need to be alone."

"What if- what if they hate me?” ‘What if he hates me?’

“They could never. There's no way you're getting rid of any of us that easy."

Richie let out a humorless chuckle.

"Why do you think they would hate you?" Stan asked softly, though the question felt more like a prompt than asked out of genuine curiosity.

Stan always had a way of sounding older than he was, like he already knew the answers he was trying to make you understand as well. Richie felt suddenly off kilter as he wondered if Stan had somehow already known.

"Because-- Because I'm- Gay." He swallowed down the bile that suddenly threatened to rise up. He had never said it before. Not out loud and never to anyone else.

There was a pause as Stan waited to make sure Richie had said all he was going to before answering.

"Richie." He said, "None of us think any differently about you. You need to know that."

"How- how do you know- I mean what if-"

"None of us think any less of you. I'm not going to say this isn't a big deal, because to you it is. This is, well, it's obviously been something eating away at you. And sure, maybe you decided to come out in somewhat of a dramatic fashion and freaked yourself out, but you don't have to face all of this alone. We are going to be here to support you one hundred percent."

Richie sniffed back a few wayward tears that threatened to escape.

"Are you...are you sure?"

"Have you read any of the messages they've sent you?"

"No- I- no."

"You should. I think it will help. Also everyone was super worried when you went AWOL. You are...safe aren't you?"

Richie felt a pang of guilt at the hint of unease that marred Stan's voice.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm safe." He eyed the bushes warily, "as safe as I can be."

"Good. But...I could be in LA in just over a day you know."

Richie felt his heart swell and he wiped away a stubborn tear that refused to be pushed down. "Thanks, but I'm okay...plus I'm...not exactly in LA right now."

"You're not?" Stan said sounding a bit alarmed.

"Nah, taking a small vacation."

"Have you told Eddie? He's been-"

"We haven't spoken."

"Richie." Stan sounded tired now.

"I - I can't, okay? You saw the fucking show. What the fuck am I supposed to say to him now? 'Hey! So I told the whole world about my big gay crush on you! Oh, by the way, I have a big-'"

"Richard!"

"What!"

"Promise me you'll talk to him. Whatever happens, it won't be as bad as you're making it out to be in your head."

"Fine." Richie said begrudgingly followed closely by a put upon huff.

"Thank you. Now, will you be okay?"

"Yeah," he said, and though it was with little confidence, a little was still more than he'd felt previously.

"Good. Call me anytime if you need to talk. But you should try messaging the others, I know they'd like to hear from you and...they'll understand Richie. Losers gotta stick together."

Richie smiled despite himself. "Losers gotta stick together."

He parroted back.

"And call Eddie."

"Okay mom."

"I'm being serious Richie."

"Goodnight Stanley!"

Stan sighed but gave in, "Goodnight."

Richie took the phone away from his ear and ended the call. He sat staring at the screen until it flipped automatically back to his homepage. He hesitated for a moment before taking a deep breath and opening his messaging app. He clicked on the first name on his timeline list and began to scroll, eyes darting over the string of texts, a small smile making its way into his face as he took in the words of, yes shock but also support. Once caught up, he moved on to the next Loser until he had read through them all. And no he definitely didn't cry.

Well, maybe only a little. He felt another pang of loss when he remembered just why Eddie's name wasn't on his messaging list. He quickly opened up a new message draft and selected Eddie's name off his favourites list and then froze.

Stan's words played over in his head, encouraging him. All Of his friends show of support warmed him to his core, he could do this- A loud rustle from the underbrush sent Richie's heart jack-hammering in his chest. He froze, wide-eyed as he stared into the dark. A loud snap of a twig sent Richie vaulting over the side of the deck chair and nearly ripping the screen door off its hinges in his haste to get inside. 'Not today Satan', he thought as he slammed the front door closed behind him and slid the deadbolt into place. Richie huffed and wandered over to the pullout bed that had become his new home and collapsed onto it. He looked at his phone once more, and the opened draft before he deleted it and turned the device off. He'd message Eddie tomorrow.

Richie did not message Eddie the next day, nor the day after that.However, in his defense, he had been busy. Richie helped Mike with odd jobs around his property and was becoming more and more convinced that there was a large reptilian monster of some sort living on the grounds. Mike could roll his eyes all he wanted but the truth of the matter was that one day Richie swore he saw scales moving slowly through the brush.

Richie had also taken up his managers challenge and started trying to revamp his online presence. Now that he was officially verified he began, as the young ones would say, shitposting. His first order of conduct being a small tweet which read:

Richie Tozier @OfficialTrashmouth 'Turns out my biggest joke was pretending I was straight.' It had taken him a good three hours of nervous sweating before he had finally been able to post the tweet but he had also felt an immense sense of relief after receiving a screenshot of his own tweet from Bev minutes later followed by some words of love and way too many emojis. The rest of the losers had also sent their love and support through the group chat and private messages. He mostly ignored his twitter feed though, he had made the mistake of checking up on the tweet and its relevance earlier and had immediately felt overwhelmed. Not to say that most of the feedback was bad or anything, however as someone who had spent such a long time clinging to a carefully constructed persona, suddenly being unmasked and thrust into the spotlight was...scary. it was hard not to feel the shame and frustration he had been fighting off all his life.

Later, Mike had proven that he wasn't as much of an internet phobic recluse as Richie had begun to believe him to be, when over dinner that night he had clapped Richie on the back and told him only a little awkwardly that he was happy for him and that he hoped he could live the rest of his life with more confidence in who he was. Which? Okay, damn.

Richie had simply nodded, taken aback from how touched he'd been, luckily Mike had not seemed to be expecting anything back from him and the rest of the night flowed into something more familiar. Before they split for the night to retreat to their own sleeping arrangements, Mike asked if he had spoken to Eddie yet.

"Bill said Eddie was sounding pretty worried about you."

Richie had felt the swirl of something related to guilt settle over him, leaving him feeling restless with a negative energy he couldn't quite shake off.

"Eddie's a big boy, he'll be fine." Richie said, mind already wandering and worrying.

Mike sighed but let it drop before wishing Richie a good night. Another day another battle.

Richie lay awake well into the night, going over all the little dominoes that had fallen over and lead him to where he now was. Which of course meant that, mostly, he thought of Eddie. He reminisced about hot summer days spent by the quarry, of nights spent tempting Eddie out of his bedroom window to go look at the stars, he remembered the nights when they would talk about all the things they wanted to do with their lives, about how much they wanted to leave Derry behind but never each other. Their pinky fingers interlocking in quiet promises that extended far beyond the reaches of Derry.

He wondered a little bitterly how he could have kept his feelings contained even as long as he had, when there had been so many moments, so many times when he felt ready to explode with them. All the times he felt the need to pull Eddie’s metaphorical pigtails because he just couldn’t stand not being the center of his attention any longer. God, had he gotten good at it though. He couldn’t help but smile as memories washed over him, so precious for how long he’d gone without them. A chasm opened up in his gut though as his thoughts drifted back to his future, and its shaky foundations- hell, it didn’t even have foundations to be built upon. All Richie had was an email from his manager and the knowledge that Eddie must hate him. The thought of moving on with his life without Eddie by his side somehow seemed so improbable, so completely terrifying that Richie’s chest seized considering it. He wondered angrily where his conviction he’d had just over a month ago had gone. When he’d been so ready to keep lumbering onward. Maybe he had succeeded simply through lack of foresight. By waking up each new morning with a heavy despair in his chest and starting his day by pushing it down, down, down, before he could find the curiosity to examine it. By busying himself with distraction after distraction.

He wondered why his patented technique wasn’t working now.

Eddie had stepped into Richie’s apartment and scrubbed it until it sparkled and he must have done something to Richie himself as well. It was like the moment Eddie had stepped back into his life he’d swept away all of his previous coping mechanisms. Richie felt a wave of irrational anger suddenly. Anger at Eddie for throwing his life off its axis by his mere presence, at himself for growing comfortable with it so damn quick that he’d tricked himself into believing it was permanent.

Richie stewed in his tumultuous emotions in the darkened living room of Mike’s Florida home with nothing to distract him from his circling thoughts and growing loneliness except the obnoxious singing of the swamp insects that inhabited the area.

“It’s not a swamp.” Mike said, shaking his head and fixing Richie with a tired look.

“Listen, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a-”

“It’s a floodplain.”

“It smells like shit and is full of fucking snakes and gators Mikey.” Richie argued sometime during the next afternoon.

He’d gotten a somewhat fuzzy photo of a snake curled up next to a tree by the water and had uploaded it to his Twitter account with a “ Get out of my swamp!” caption and had been arguing with Mike on and off ever since. Honestly Richie had been on a roll with creating a new Twitter, uploading mostly photos and quips but he wasn't really in the mind to be too serious while on the platform. His manager was still thrilled.

“What is with you and the alligators?” Mike questioned with a shake of his head, “You haven’t seen one since you got here and you’re still somehow obsessed.”

“Do you know how old those things are Mike? They are nature's perfect killing machine. Evolution fucking stopped cause it got it right on like the first go, it just just paused long enough to make them a little smaller. They were here before us and will probably outlive us.”

“Eddie tell ya all that?”

Richie scoffed and made a bit of looking awfully offended. Mike laughed so he counted it as a win. Sort of.

“...speaking of-” Mike began.

Richie’s gazer darted to Mike, eyes narrowed.“He called this morning.” Mike continued.

Richie felt his heart rocket into his throat and his stomach drop into his gut so quickly he had to swallow down the urge to dry heave onto the sand.

“What?”

“He’s looking for you. Did you honestly not tell him where you were going?”

“You didn’t tell him, did you?” Richie gasped.

“Hey now- calm down Richie. He just sounded really worried.”

“Did you tell him?” Richie demanded. Mike sighed then replied, “I told him I’d get you to call if you popped up.”

Richie’s eyes narrowed but he wasn’t such a dick that he would call Mike out for lying without proof. “I can’t face him right now.”

“Why not? I mean, it sounds like you have a lot to talk about.”

“Nope.”

“I saw the video.”

“Oh for fucks sake!” Richie threw his arms up, “Isn’t privacy a thing anymore?”

“You live streamed the show Rich, I don’t think privacy was a concern at the time.”

Richie folded his arms and scowled.

“Listen, just, call Eddie. Before he drives Stan and Bill crazy.”

That made Richie pause, “Stan and Bill?”

“If you would go into the group chat instead of hiding you’d know what I mean.”

“The moment I go on everyone will be able to see, including Eddie, so.” Richie shrugged, “No group chat.”

“Full offense, bud, but you’re treating this whole thing like a child would.You won’t be able to avoid Eddie forever.”

“Watch me.” Richie muttered, knowing full well that he was only reaffirming Mike’s accusations. Mike rolled his eyes but seemed to give up the argument and left the porch to retreat back inside to let Richie mope in peace. Not long later Richie heard the shrill ring of Mike's home phone. Why the man bothered to have a home phone instead of working off a cellphone like a normal person Richie would never know, regardless, he couldn't pick up what was said from where he sat. A few minutes later Mike was back out on the porch.

"I'm going into town for a bit. Got some errands to run. Why don't you relax and think about what I said? Maybe call Stan." Mike suggested, shuffling his feet a little awkwardly.

Richie took in the man's tense posture and shifting eyes. Mike was usually the type to stand strong, make eye contact as he spoke. Richie started to feel a little bad, thinking perhaps he'd been a bit too much of an ass today.

"Sure, okay." He said agreeably in an effort to make up for his earlier prickliness.

"Need me to pick you up anything?" Mike asked as he circled around his truck.

"No," Richie said, already feeling like he'd put Mike out enough for crashing at his abode for so long.

Mike shrugged and tossed his keys with almost a nervous energy before nodding and saying "Alright, well, I'll just, uh, be going then."

Richie nodded and waved him away, "if I'm not here by the time you get back, assume the gators got me."

Mike huffed but there was a smile on his face as he hopped into the cab of the truck and started it up. He waved to Richie again as he circled around and started down the long drive to the main road. Richie was bored by then end of the hour. There was very little to do while in the boonies that didn't run the risk of being eaten by the local wildlife, especially without Mike there to help spot potential risks and watch his back.

Richie wandered about Mike's home, exploring and generally being a nosy little shit. He was able to amuse himself for a good thirty minutes after he found an honest to God banjo tucked away in the attic. He brought it down to the porch ready to strum like mad and make a damn good nuisance of himself when Mike got back. However, as the minutes ticked by Richie's attention wandered and he poked around some more, flipping through Mike's extremely niche and weird collection of books, his notes, examining his bits and bobs. He took pictures of things he found particularly weird and bizarre, he was busy going through his photos and trying to think up anything that might have been considered funny to Tweet about, because that was really a concern now apparently, when Richie finally heard the telltale roar of Mike’s truck engine coming up the drive. He sort of hated the flash of excitement he got from the sound, he was a grown adult who should be in enough control over his life that he didn't rely on others to bring him amusement; of course that being said, if Richie had any semblance of control he wouldn't have even been in Florida, would he?

Richie stood up from the deck chair and raised a hand in greeting when the truck came into view, the banjo resting behind him ready to go. However, as the truck moved closer and the sun reflecting on the glass of the windshield shifted Richie began to become aware that Mike wasn't alone in the cab of the truck. Richie walked off the porch and into the front yard to try and get a better look but it wasn't until Mike was all but pulling onto the property that Richie's eyes locked onto none other than Eddie fucking Kaspbrak glaring daggers at him through the glass.

Now, Richie had experience many terrifying things in his life, the variety of traumas he had locked up would be enough to personally fund some lucky psychologist for years if he felt so inclined to go. So it's with great authority and experience that Richie swears that seeing Eddie fuming in the passenger seat of Mike's god damn car, in fucking Florida, was the second scariest occurrence he had ever witnessed. Only being trumped by the horrifying reality he'd been forced to watch in the deadlights. He knew he must have made one hell of a picture, still slightly hungover, hair unbrushed, jaw dropped and eyes wide. Richie felt frozen in shock at the sight, Eddie, his Eddie in fucking Florida. The truck had barely finished rolling to a stop before the passenger door was being thrown open and Eddie was bursting out of it like a mini tornado of rage.

Richie couldn’t help but note the state Eddie seemed to be in, hair usually perfectly groomed looked knotted and windswept, his skin pale despite having tanned in the LA sun and his eyes looked haggard, dark bruises from sleepless nights weighing heavily, even his usually ironed shirts and slacks looked wrinkled; his rough appearance did little to take away from the bright angry sheen in his eyes as he fixed Richie with a sharp look and began to march over. Richie had known for a long time that there was something seriously wrong with him, what, with his seemingly perfect ability to self destruct at every possible turn, however the point was really hammered into his head when the only thought that seemed to penetrate his shocked and empty brain was ‘My God he’s fucking gorgeous.’

That was until of course Eddie’s sneer picked up a notch and he opened his mouth to let out a scathing,

“You fucker!”

Richie took a giant step back shaking his head eyes fixed so solely on the short angry demon marching up to him that he didn’t even see Mike get out of the truck afterwards.

“I can’t believe you! ” Eddie continued, “Don’t you dare take another step Richard, I swear to God!”

And all at once, all of Richie’s survival instincts were kickstarted back online.

“Nope!” Richie said, voice a little higher pitch in his fear, and he turned and ran.

“RICHIE!”

Richie didn’t turn to look back, he just went for it, dodging past Mike’s small home and straight into the Floridian woods. There wasn’t any logic to his actions, he didn’t even bother to stick to the trail, Richie simply pushed his way through the trees and grasses. He had no destination in mind, just the strong urge to run, much like the one he felt during all of his life's most uncomfortable moments. He ran, and ran, and ran, until he could no longer hear the sounds of Eddie and Mike calling after him. It was only when he felt like his chest was about to explode that he stopped to wheeze against a tree, he clutched at his side as he sputtered pathetically at the ground and silently cursed the decades he’d spent mostly ignoring his physical health.

“Jesus fuck” He grumbled once he’d finally remembered how to properly pull air into his lungs and breathe.

He took a moment to look around only to realize that he had absolutely no idea where he was. Mike had to have, like, neighbors somewhere, right? Richie groaned he knew this was stupid, he had nowhere to go except further into the Florida wilderness and that was one stupid way to die. Sighing, and mentally preparing himself, Richie turned to go back the way he thought he had come from.

He snarled as he pushed his way through the thick bushes and trees grumbling at the sticks that caught the fabric of his clothes and scratched at his skin, he was going to look like he’d come out of a fight with a pissed off alley cat after this shit. God Eddie was going to be so incomprehensibly furious at him. He cried out in victory as he pushed through some particularly thick bushes, only for his cries to turn almost immediately alarmed when the ground under his feet seemed to disappear and sent him careening down a muddy, slick embankment and face first into green tinged waters.

Richie resurfaced with a loud gasp as he flailed and coughed out a mouthful of disgusting water, swearing profusely. He splashed until he was able to finally get his feet somewhat stable on the thick muddy bottom of the riverway he seemed to have fallen into. The water luckily seemed to be slow moving without too much of a current. It was however, quite deep, reaching up to his chest. He glanced around and cursed his luck, the river was narrow but he definitely didn’t recognize it. Which meant he had most definitely been moving in the wrong direction. He cursed again, this stupid shit wouldn’t have happened to him back in LA.

All at once Richie felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end as his whole body erupted into a strong shudder that had more to do with instinct than the cool waters. He turned, eyes darting back and forth along the murky water when movement locked his attention to the opposite embankment. Richie felt ice cold terror grip him as he watched a huge alligator pull itself down the muddy shore and slip gracefully into the slow moving water. Panic seized him and he spun around to begin clawing at the shoreline desperately, uselessly, his hands coming away with chunks of mud and grass, doing nothing to pull him out of the water. A noise he wasn’t proud of escaped from his throat as his mind whirled. This was not how he wanted to die, not in some fucking swamp water, not to a fucking alligator and certainly not in fucking Florida.

He pulled himself along the shore trying to get to a narrower portion he could climb up when he heard a splash behind him. Richie didn’t turn to look though everything in him wanted to, but right in front of him was a tree, and Richie wasted no goddamn time pulling himself up. Thinking back, he had no idea how he found the strength to climb all the way into a tree when he could barely make it up two flights of stairs without needing to pause for air, but one moment he was in the water with certain death and the next, he was curled up in the branches looking down. Richie looked over the water and shouted out a relieved cry at the pair of reptilian eyes he could swear were staring at him, no more than ten feet away,

“Yeah, fuck you! Not getting any of this today pal!” Richie laughed and felt himself sag against the scratchy bark, “Now just, go fuck off so I can leave.”

He finished with a grumble. And then waited.

And waited

And-

Richie was going insane, every time he would begin to think that stupid animal had finally buggered off, there would be a ripple in the water or he’d catch sight of a pair of eyes bobbing above the waters surface. He had no way to call for help, his phone abandoned somewhere back on Mike’s porch, and even if he had had it with him Richie wasn't sure the device would have survived his impromptu bath. He had tried calling out for help a few times but had gone completely unanswered. He was totally alone.

Besides from stressful, being stuck in a tree because of a potentially murderous gator was beyond boring and extremely uncomfortable. There was nothing to keep his mind occupied and distracted enough from re-analyzing the series of events that had him stuck here in the first place, and the hot humidity in the air made it so he never really dried off from the water and instead just became more and more itchy and cranky.

As the minutes dragged on into hours, he had taken to singing, badly, to himself when another sound caught his attention. Richie paused his singing to listen, ears perked for anything out of the ordinary. For a moment there was nothing, and then all at once he heard it again. His name, distant but there.

“HEY!” Richie shouted as loud as he could, “OVER HERE!”

Richie felt an intense burst of relief as his cries were immediately answered by another shout of his voice and a barely heard: “ Where?”

“HERE!” He shouted again,

“Richie?!” Mike’s voice.

“BY THE RIVER!” He called out hoping Mike was familiar enough with the land that he knew what that meant.

“ARE YOU HURT?” Eddie’s voice rang out, so much closer.

Eddie.

Richie’s chest tightened but he would willing sit through whatever lecture Eddie had as long as he got away from this stupid- oh god.

“WAIT!” He shouted, “BE CAREFUL! GATOR!”

“WHERE?” Mike again

“RIGHT FUCKING UNDER ME!” Richie yelled glaring spitefully at the large reptile that had decided to make camp on the sand, less than a body's length away from his tree. There was rustling in the undergrowth, and Richie knew they were close,

“You’re close, I can hear you, be careful!”

Moment’s later Mike and Eddie burst through the thick bushes with a swing of a long machete Mike was wielding.

“Jesus, Rich-” Mike cursed when he got a good look at the precarious situation Richie had gotten himself into.

Next to him Eddie wasn't doing much better.

“What the fuck? What the actual fuck Richie! Are you kidding me, are you fucking kidding me? Can you go literally nowhere without pissing shit off? That's a fucking alligator!” Eddie began screeching and pointing.

“I fell into the water!” Richie tried to defend,

“Oh my GOD!”

“Hang tight Richie, I’ll call the animal control or something I guess,” Mike said, taking out his phone.

Even as he did though, Eddie was bending down to pick up a large rock from the ground, eyes wild and half-mad looking. The smaller man grunted as he winded up and threw the huge stone, hitting the alligator right in the side with a thunk.

“FUCK OFF!”

“Eddie! Shit , Stop!” Mike cursed, phone half way to his ear.

Eddie wasn’t listening as he picked up a large branch and threw that next, the gator made a loud hissing noise and thrashed it’s tail to the side, spraying sand into the air. Richie’s jaw dropped at the sight of Eddie attacking a fucking alligator, it honestly would have been the hottest thing he’d ever seen if he wasn’t so instantly terrified that it would end with Eddie dead.

“Eddie, Eddie fucking stop it, I swear to god!” Richie said, even as he began calculating how he could throw himself onto the damn thing if it decided to charge his friends.

Eddie picked up another large stone and threw it, cursing the gator out as it sailed through the air and hit the large beast right in the eye. The animal recoiled and Richie felt his stomach drop thinking that it was going to retaliate for sure and that he was going to have to die to try and stop it, but for once in his miserable life luck seemed to be on his side. The alligator pushed itself quickly away, sliding into the water and making a B-line for the other side of the river.

Eddie barely took the time to breathe before he was yelling at Richie further,“Get down! Get down right now, or I swear to god Richie, I’ll use Mike’s fucking machete to cut the tree down with you in it and leave you to the swamp!”

Richie was only scrambling to obey, and after nearly falling twice, his feet finally touched the ground.

“Phew,” Richie said and whistled, “That was sure an adventure, huh guys? And you said this place wasn’t a swamp, I swear it almost smells as bad as-”

“Beep beep, Richie.” Mike said, looking too exhausted.

Richie’s mouth snapped shut and he felt a little guilty for causing the man so much stress. He sighed as he walked over to the other two,

“Look, I’m-”

“Don’t.” Eddie said, cutting him off.

Richie looked at him and frowned, Eddie appeared more stony faced than he had been since he’d shown up hours before.

“Mike, lead us back.” Eddie demanded.

Mike took a moment to look between the two before he nodded, “Sure, follow close and watch your step.”

The walk back to Mike’s house was spent in mostly weighted silence that had Richie growing increasingly uncomfortable with each step he took. It was of immediate relief when they made it back to the small abode, Richie’s eyes were trained on the door as he made a B-line for it, he couldn’t be out of the open air fast enough, he needed a shower and maybe to sleep for like a week. He carefully wasn’t looking at either Mike or Eddie when he was stopped in his tracks by a hand gripping his sleeve.

“Go on ahead Mike, we’ll be in in a minute.”

Richie gulped nervously as he sent a silent plea for Mike to save him. Mike, though, barely took the time to glance at them before he was nodding and heading into the safety of the house.

Richie took a deep breath and knowing that he couldn’t possibly run anymore turned to face Eddie. Eddie for his part seemed to be working himself up again, there was a deep furrow between his brows and his lips were pressed into a thin line. Richie waited a moment to see if Eddie would speak first, before he decided to just get it over with himself, he had barely parted his lips to speak when the silence of the early evening air was broken.

“Florida Richie? Fucking really?”

Richie’s snapped his mouth shut.

“I can’t believe you just took off like that! You didn’t even text me! Do you have any idea what that was like? You just disappeared! Once I realized you weren’t camping out at Bill’s or Stan’s or-or the others, I freaked! I thought you were fucking dead, man! What the fuck!”

“Wow, breathe Eds.” tried to deflect, noticing just how red Eddie’s face was getting.

“FUCK YOU!” Richie winced and looked to the ground.

There was a beat of silence.

“I looked everywhere for you, I was so worried,” Eddie continued, softer this time, “I even went through your phone numbers and called your manager, but he told me he couldn’t divulge any information about clients and-” Eddie sighed, shaking his head and said, “You can’t ever do this again.”

“I’m sorry,” Richie’s heart was thumping in his chest.

Eddie’s face twisted, “Why the hell did you take off like that?”

“I-”

Richie didn’t even know where to begin, all of the past weeks emotions were battling it out in his chest and abdomen, made somehow even more striking with Eddie standing right in front of him, his fist still clenched around Richie’s sleeve as if he were afraid that Richie would bolt again if he let him go. Eddie was looking up at him, eyes cleared of the anger that had been burning so bright since he’d shown up, he looked confused, worried, and maybe something else that Richie couldn’t quite name. But he was looking at Richie with all of his attention, and god, Richie almost wished he’d never stop, never stop looking at him, holding him, it terrified him how much he wanted Eddie.

He almost cracked a joke, because of course he would, but he held back, swallowing it down at the last moment. The thought of lying to Eddie, was causing him even worse discomfort than he was already in. So, for the first time in a long time Richie decided to be brave.

“I was scared.”

Eddie’s brow creased again.

Richie took a shaking breath, “I was scared and I didn’t- I didn’t know what to do-”

“So you ran to fucking Florida?”

Richie sighed and shot Eddie an annoyed look.

Eddie snapped his mouth closed and motioned for him to continue, “I panicked, and yeah, I ran to fucking Florida because-because even this god damn swamp was less terrifying than going home and having to- having to lose you and-”

“Lose me?” Eddie interrupted again looking impossibly more bewildered.

“You-You saw the show. I fucked up- I know I did but-”

“Did you mean it?” Eddie said, cutting him off again.

“What?”

“In the show, was that- was that some sort of joke to you? Were you jerking me around or did you fucking mean it?”

Richie was sweating, he was sure of it, his wide eyes burned from how much he wanted to just blink, but he was frozen, everything around him seemed to have stopped, his field of vision narrowed down to Eddie. The rest of the world could have evaporated and Richie wouldn’t have known the difference. In the stillness, he knew that the next words out of his mouth were important, more important than anything else he has ever said. He could feel another one of his life’s dominoes tipping.

“Every word.” He whispered, “It wasn’t a joke, I hadn’t even meant to say it, but I did mean it, every damn word. I- I like you Eds, I have for years. Almost as long as I can remember, even when I couldn’t remember- it was always you.”

The silence was deafening. All at once Eddie’s hand which had been holding his sleeve was gone and Richie felt as if his heart was going to shatter. He tried to prepare himself, for the rejection or disgust, but even so he wasn’t sure how he could possibly survive it. Suddenly, he felt hands clench at the collar of his shirt and yanked him off his center of balance, he barely had the mind to stop himself from falling before everything went blank and he died.

Or at least, Richie was assuming that’s what happened because there was no way that Eddie would be kissing him otherwise, he had to have died. It took his brain a second more to realize that no, this was happening, Eddie was kissing him, and that he needed to fucking respond before he ruined it.

Richie brought his hands up, one to grip Eddie’s hip and pull him closer, and the other to gently cup his cheek as he finally began to kiss him back. All at once Richie felt himself settle, all of the turbulence and anxieties that had plagued him for as far back as he could remember finally dissipated, his head felt light as the elation hit him even as the heat coiled in his belly, grounding him. Richie could scarcely believe this was happening, he sighed into the kiss as he felt one of Eddie’s hands trail up to tangle in his curls.

Eddie was the first to pull away, only when the need for oxygen grew too strong. Richie couldn’t keep the smile off his face as Eddie kept his hands on him, leaning up to rest their foreheads together, breathing the same air. Richie opened his eyes, unsure of when they’d even closed, and took in everything he could. The slight flush to Eddie’s cheeks, the small upturn of his lips that hinted at a smile, Richie wanted to kiss him all over again- and then keep kissing him. But before he could, Eddie was backing away.

“God I can’t believe I did that.”

Richie had a brief flash of anxiety as he suddenly worried he was about to lose it all.

“You were practically swimming in that swamp , god you’re filthy! Uhg, no, no more, go inside and shower right now! I’m not kissing you again until you do.”

Richie’s face broke out into a huge grin, he didn’t know it was possible to feel this happy, the suddenness of it felt like getting whiplash.

“But Eds-”

“No, absolutely not! And that’s not my name!”

Richie’s grin grew impossibly large as he opened up his arms and went in for a hug, delighting when Eddie screeched and tried to dodge him. The two of them chased each other up the porch and into the house, Richie giving up the game and instead taking Eddie’s hand in his, his stomach swooping pleasantly when Eddie not only allowed it but gave him a reaffirming squeeze.

Yeah, they still had a lot to talk about but Richie had never felt more excited to do so.

It ends with Richie walking out onto a large stage in LA, his palms sweaty as he smiles and waves at the cheering crowd. There was a nervousness clawing at his chest as he made it to center-stage, but with it also a giddy sort of anticipation. He picked up the microphone and stared out over the audience, not seeing much due to the bright lights shining over him, but still the silhouettes carried a touch of intimidation. He breathes, smile growing as he greets his audience, his voice steady and loud, cheers rise up in accordance and he plants his feet, grounding himself, readying. Yet despite that, the usual pres-show dread that Richie is used to feeling crawl in his stomach is absent, in its stead is a right sort of deliberateness that he’s never felt while walking out in front of a sold out crowd- or any crowd for that matter, not since being picked up decades ago in LA. There’s something peaceful about the steadfastness of his conviction, about knowing however the audience takes this new show will be a drop in the bucket compared to the opinions of the people he’s already shared the script with. Eddie’s approval meant more to him than any of these fuckers combined. So it was easier for him now, more than any other time in his life to recite the words from his script- words he himself had written.

Yes, he was nervous. But he was also resolute as he turned to look into the camera and the audience and say:

“So, my boyfriend moved in recently, like officially and-”

The smile that broadens Richie’s face is more genuine than any one he’d given on stage before as his audience hoots and cheers. Maybe he’d really send that fruit basket he’d been considering over to his publicist, or his manager for convincing him to take to Twitter to improve his fan-base. Fuck it, he’d send his whole team fruit baskets. A thank you to everyone who had been supportive of him, who continued to back him while he figured his shit out. People who gave him the opportunity to stand on stage and feel the pride that ballooned in his chest at each laugh and holler each of his jokes got. Pride was a feeling he’d had very little of in his life, it was hard to grasp when you’d spent most of your life in hiding. There were moments even now, despite everything, that had him instinctively wanting to curl up and slink away, because having pride in oneself is a learned behavior and one Richie was working on still. It got easier though, with every smile from his friends, any and every little touch Eddie blessed him with, and every morning he got to wake up and have Eddie right there next to him- everyday was full of little moments, little opportunities for him to feel so fucking lucky. So, yeah, walking out on that stage was an ending. A metaphorical book closing on a life lived in hiding and in shame- and he wasn’t going to miss a second of it.

Richie was starting a whole new novel, one composed of all those little and big moments worth holding onto, even if they were scary, maybe especially so; because for the first time in as far back as he could remember Richie wasn’t running away. He was pushing forward with the strength of more than just himself, and he was making a conscious decision to finally make his leap of faith, because even if he fell, he had six great people waiting to catch him. Richie pushed onward, because even though this was an ending, it was also the start of something so much greater. -

#IT #reddie #fanfic #mike hanlon #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #stan uris #fanfiction #fandom

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the-quiet-winds · 6 years ago

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You Clicked Your Heels and Wished for Me (part one)

i woke up in a cold sweat during the night and realized i didn’t queue up anything so here is me queuing today’s post 14 minutes before it goes live! woo!

this is another cowritten fic between me and @ichlugebulletsandcornnuts, because... reasons i guess?

trigger warning for blood, accidental harm

[Part 1: In Case I Lost My Train of Thought]

it’s not often that jane or katherine go away without the other, but on this particular occasion it happened. a historian got into contact with jane and asked for an interview, hoping it would help her in her new book all about edward vi, learning about the preparation for his birth. jane accepted, but the only problem was the historian lived in america. it was soon worked out with the theatre; jane would take a five-day trip to ohio, where the historian was based, and grace would cover her shows for the week. jane asks katherine if she wants to come with her but katherine, worried about the fan reaction to two queens being away for the whole week, decides she’ll be okay. after all, the regularity of her nightmares had reduced rapidly over the past few months, and jane promises to call every evening.

the first night after jane leaves, she is sure to call to check in, taking katherine she landed safe in ohio and is in a lovely hotel, and the first round of interviews was the following day.

katherine is delighted at the news, thankful to hear her mother’s voice. she’s okay, just in ohio, katherine tells herself.

that night, however, just before she goes to bed, she sees a news story about a terrorist in the united states being sentenced to execution, and the thought of execution in any sense brought a nightmare raging through her mind, seeing thomas and henry and a world where she didn’t have jane and she wakes up in a cold sweat.

it takes several moments for her to realise where she is; at home, in bed, hundreds of years away from those men. she takes a few deep breaths to try and stop herself from shaking, but her efforts prove in vain. after the fear and vulnerability, the emotion she’s most feeling is annoyance. everything had been going so well, and she was sure she’d be okay without jane, but her mum had been away for one night and katherine had already messed up.

as katherine becomes more lucid she notices a sharp, stinging pain on her neck. she grabs her phone and looks in the camera; she must have accidentally scratched herself in her sleep, because there was a single raised red line against her skin. it didn’t look too bad and would probably fade by the morning, but katherine grumbles at herself under her breath anyway. she lies back down and closes her eyes, trying her best to get some sleep. she has two shows tomorrow, after all.

she doesn’t get much more sleep that night, unfortunately. she slogs through the morning and the pre-show, then calls jane, who had promised that she’d have those times carved out for when katherine would call.

“kitty-kat?” she hums upon answering. katherine gives a tiny sigh of relief.

“hey mum,” she says, trying to sound as awake as she could. the crappy phone connection must have helped, because jane didn’t notice a thing.

the shows goes on without a hitch, including grace’s performance as jane.

katherine gets to her song and the final chorus sends her head racing, as always. her mind flashes back to the previous night, and one hand subconsciously reaches for her neck, where her choker begins to feel just a bit tight, and she claws at it, almost trying to break it.

her nails rake against her skin, much harder than they’d done in her sleep, but katherine doesn’t even notice, nor does she notice the stinging pain from the red lines drawn. it’s only when a hand grabs her wrist in part of the choreography that she lets go of her choker, but the emotions of the song are still charging through her, keeping her head in the slight haze it was always in at the end of her song. jane would normally be around to give her a reassuring look from off-stage when she finishes her song but jane wasn’t here, and katherine was alone.

there’s something weird about katherine’s headspace for the rest of the show, something not quite right. she catches the strange looks of concern the other girls give her and she’s not entirely sure why, until she gets backstage to the dressing room and glances in the mirror.

her neck is bright red. redder than the mark from her dream. redder than all of the warning signs she begins to see about where this could lead.

she doesn’t choose to ignore them, per say, but she doesn’t change her actions.

during that evening’s show, adrenaline courses through her blood during her number, coupled with jane’s absence until she’s reaching for the neck that was once separated from her shoulders and she’s clawing her way through another breakdown.

she knows jane wouldn’t want her doing this.

but jane isn’t here.

and katherine is very much alone.

the marks are even worse when katherine looks in the mirror this time, some of them even drawing tiny droplets of blood. she changes hurriedly and wraps a scarf around her neck, almost bumping into parr as she enters. parr gives her a concerned look.

“are you alright, kid?”

“i’m fine,” katherine nods quickly. parr regards her for a few seconds.

“how’s your neck?”

“fine,” katherine says again, eager for the conversation to be over. “it was an accident, that’s all.”

“once is an accident, kid, twice is a habit,” parr says gently. katherine feels a strange petulant annoyance rush through her. this was none of parr’s business, she thinks, even though she knows rationally parr is only worried about her and wants to help.

she bites back the retort on her tongue and tells a half-truth. “just had a bad dream last night, that’s all. i’ll be fine tomorrow.”

parr looks at her skeptically but relents, instead asking if katherine wants to check in with jane.

to her surprise and mystification, katherine says no.

“she’s probably busy,” katherine lies, “i’ll call her later.”

she does, though, shoot a text to jane. “shows went well. i’m dead tired and i’ll talk to you more tomorrow 💖,” read the text.

katherine tries her best to get an early night, after cleaning the scratches on her neck with a wince and some antiseptic. she manages it for a few hours, but then she’s thrown into another nightmare, this time of her last days locked in a tiny room. all the fear and pain comes rushing back, the terror that they’re going to mess up her beheading the way they did margaret pole’s, that instead of one quick swoop they’ll hack away at her. she wakes up with her sheets soaked in cold sweat and she desperately tries to catch her breath.

her neck stings, which isn’t surprising.

what does surprise her is parr’s light voice coming through the door.

“katherine? kid, can i come in?”

katherine, with a hint of annoyance, agrees.

parr comes in, dresses in her pajamas, looking concerned.

“i heard you thrashing around.”

katherine shrugs. “just another bad dream, that’s all.”

parr sits down on the edge of the bed. “these have been getting more frequent,” she observes. “what’s going on?”

“nothing,” katherine says, a bit too forcefully and a bit too quickly. “i’m fine.”

parr looks at her for a few moments, expression inscrutable. “you know, if you’d prefer to talk to jane about it then i’m sure she’d still be awake-”

“god, i’m fine!” katherine snaps. “i don’t need jane for everything, i’m not a child!”

there’s a few moments of silence and katherine flushes slightly, ashamed of her outburst. “sorry,” she mutters. “i’m just- a bit stressed, that’s all.”

“if you need a show off, i can talk to vicki, get her to cover for you,” parr starts, but katherine shakes her head.

“i’m okay. or, i will be, i promise.”

parr narrows her eyes slightly in disbelief, but doesn’t push her. instead she reaches out and puts a gentle and caring hand on her shoulder, patting once, then pulling back. “if you ever need to talk,” she says softly. “you know where i am.”

katherine gives a half-grateful smile. “thanks, parr.”

parr returns the smile. “of course, kid.” she stands up, gives her one last meaningful look, and exits the room, leaving katherine alone.

katherine doesn’t get much sleep for the rest of the night again. just as she thinks she might be about to doze off, her hand comes up to absentmindedly scratch at her neck, aggravating the sharp red lines already there. by the time morning comes, her neck is a mess of irritated raised skin and katherine physically winces as she looks at herself in the mirror. she couldn’t go down to breakfast looking like that, and so she grabs some concealer and tries her best to cover the marks on her neck.

each press of the makeup sponge makes her flinch, the concealer probably not mixing well with the angry skin.

she blends it the best she can without crying out in pain, until her neck looks fairly evenly toned.

she leaves her room and makes her way to the stairs, but freezes with her hand on the banister as she hears parr from downstairs.

“she hasn’t been sleeping,” katherine hears her say, presumably through the phone. “i don’t know what to do.”

there’s a pause.

“i understand, jane,” she says, “but she doesn’t want to talk.”

embarrassment and a touch of shame rushes through katherine. jane was meant to be enjoying herself, not worrying about katherine, especially over something as stupid as a couple of nightmares. she fixes a smile on her face and heads down the stairs as loudly as possible so parr could at least pretend she hadn’t been snitching on katherine. okay, that wasn’t fair of her, she chastises herself. parr wasn’t snitching, she was just worried. what katherine needed to do, then, was to remove the worry. she needed to seem like everything was fine.

she holds her head up to show her makeup-covered neck and looks as awake as possible by smiling at parr, then furrowing her brows and pointing at the phone in her hand.

‘jane,’ parr mouths, completely unaware katherine had been listening in. the younger girl nods. “can i speak to her?”

parr looks somewhat surprised, then hands over the phone.

“mum?” she asks. “how’s ohio?”

“kat,” jane says, sounding almost relieved. “it’s lovely, kat. dr harrison has been so nice. how’s everything at home?” she asks the last part slightly cautiously, and katherine knows what she’s getting at, but she decides to play it off.

“everything’s fine. i had a nightmare last night, but then parr came in and spoke to me, and i slept like a baby for the rest of the night.” she figures a half lie would be better; parr had no doubt told jane about the nightmare, so it was better to include it in her story.

“really?” jane asks, sounding slightly taken aback.

“yeah, i think i must have been tired,” katherine tries her best to sound nonchalant.”

jane gives a hum, one that doesn’t sound completely convinced but she doesn’t press on.

“well at least it’s only an evening show tonight, right?” jane asks.

they only talk for a few more minutes before jane has to hang up, saying something about needing to talk to doctor harrison. she says they’ll talk later and the line goes silent.

katherine sets the phone down, gives parr what could barely be called a glare, and retreats back upstairs.

#six the musical #six musical #jane seymour #katherine howard #catherine parr #julie and jess write #you clicked your heels and wished for me

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soccerball112 · 4 years ago

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How Having Cancer Helped Chris Odoi Realize That Soccer May Not Last Forever

The #AskASocerPro show is a Live video podcast where 11 year MLS vet and Mental Strength Coach Quincy Amarikwa dives into the mentalities of highly successful individuals both on and off the pitch. In this weeks episode Chris Odoi discussed about biggest misconception on being a MLS player, What does he do off the field, his favorite memory and more.

Time Stamps

0:00-1:59 This might just be our mentally toughest episode yet with the 102nd episode. 👉🏽😶👈🏽

2:00-3:05 Why you need to adopt the MSL mindset. 👉🏽😶👈🏽

3:21-4:23 Don’t get left behind because you didn’t check out the Perfect Soccer Subscription

www.PerfectSoccerSkills.com/Subscription

4:22-6:42 Chris Odoi - MSL Mentee Joins The #AskASoccerPro Show!

6:43-9:20 Chris Odoi on how the Long Term Winners Mindset influences his decisions.

9:21-16:16 How Having Cancer Helped Chris Odoi Realize That Soccer May Not Last Forever, And What He Did About It.

16:17-22:11 Chris Odoi On How Fear Affects Him.

24:14-31:18 Chris Odoi on his biggest misconception on being a MLS player @markbtackett

31:19-36:15 What does Chris Odoi’s plan look like post career? @joe.jackson11

37:25-39:20 What does Chris Odoi do off the field to help him become a better player? @is.umar_

39:21-45:00 Why Chris Odoi uses the Perfect Soccer Time Management Worksheet

http://www.PerfectSoccerSkills.com/Time

47:40-51:12 Chris Odoi’s favorite memory from playing with Quincy

51:24-53:47 New competition between MSL Mentee’s Earl Edwards Jr. and Chris Odoi.

53:48-57:12 A Little Trash Talk And Why YOU MUST Purchase Your Perfect Soccer Subscription.

http://www.PerfectSoccerSkills.com/Subscription

57:13-59:18 How To Stay Up To Date With Chris Odoi And His Story.

If you would like to listen to the episode:

If you would like to watch the episode:

If you would like to read the interview:

*Transcript is unedited and machine-generated. There will be errors. For further clarity please refer to the audio or video.

Quincy Amarikwa (00:00):

We're all here to ride the MSL waves. You've mentioned the strength lead. I'd like to welcome you to another episode of the hashtag ask eight soccer pro [inaudible] art what's going on. RF. K refugees. Welcome. Welcome Eden EDI en. Welcome in Joe Jackson, Connor Johnson. Shannon, what up? Hi, David loud artists. What's going on? I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Looking forward to today's episode and today's guest. Oh man. Almost, even. I got so excited for today's guest. I forgot to get, I forgot to download his graphics. Uh, what's going on? I'm doing well. Soccer, soccer sub podcast dropped by what's going on, Matt. What's happening. What's happening. Let's see. Um, yeah, I'm not going to be able to pull it up. Cause the internet at my house of residence is not, is not doing too hot right now. Um, spending that hard button, but all right, let's get into it because 2020 one's about that frequency.

Quincy Amarikwa (01:11):

I'm getting dialed in. I'm excited for today and I'm also excited for the, the, the, I don't even know how to describe it, but let's get into what I've got here. And, um, as we prepare for today's show guest, so, uh, what's going on everybody. Welcome to another episode of the hashtag. Ask a soccer pro show. I am your host. 12 year pro MLS cup champion, MLS comeback Claire, the year UC Davis hall of fame member, black players for change founder and MSL coach Quincy America. Now what is the MSL? You may be asking yourself, well, that's what we're here to discuss and break down every Thursday, 6:00 PM, PST 9:00 PM EST live here on the perfect soccer, Instagram account, the mental strength league. I mean, you had, uh, dropped those Ivan. You had emojis if you're down in the MSL and for those of you who are just now tuning into this frequency, hopefully you like what I did there.

Quincy Amarikwa (02:14):

It's a game of 40 chess, one where you're either aware and an active participant or you're upon in the game steady getting played. So what is the MSL? It is the mindset you need to accomplish your goals. Why should you have this mindset? So you can learn how to learn, why learn, how to learn? Well. So you can know how, and when you were stopping yourself from achieving your goals and what to do about it. And when does this mindset start? Well, when you take responsibility for where you are, even if where you are, isn't your fault and put forth a plan to learn what you need to, to continue forward. So if you guys are ready for two days episode, I'm going to need you guys to spam that heart button and drop below what you're excited for, uh, with today's episode as well, those humming your head, emojis, loving that, loving that love, and that love in that.

Quincy Amarikwa (03:05):

Uh, Joe Jackson already dropping them in your head emojis. Uh POBA Jr. Trevor Willis increased football, yo Jordan, what's going on, um, loving that scene. Everyone has spending the heart button and, uh, while everybody is doing that, sharing with me, what you're excited for today's episode in today's show guests, I'm going to give you guys a quick word from today's sponsor yet. So today's episode is brought to you by perfect soccer. The number one platform online to talk to learn from and work with pro soccer players. Sign up for your perfect soccer subscription today [email protected] slash subscriptions subscription that's subscription subscription, right? So this is for youth players to pros, coaches and parents get access to everything you'd ever need on your soccer journey with your perfect soccer subscription. Again, head over to perfect soccer skills.com/subscription today, and shout out Joe Jackson for dropping that link for everybody on the live here as they're spamming at heart button to sign up because an investment in perfect soccer, is that an investment in yourself?

Quincy Amarikwa (04:14):

You guys know what it is [inaudible] and, uh, I'm excited for today's show guest. We're having a future legend. I wouldn't even know, say future legend, current legend and future double legend. Chris, a, uh, my old teammate over at DC United and an MSL mentee of mine. Mans has been doing work and has an amazing story. Um, I'm excited to bring him on here today. Uh, uh, give the audience a little bit of breakdown of his mentality. I'll even let him share a little bit, um, let him, uh, we'll have him share a little bit of his story for those of you who aren't aware of, uh, where he's been and, um, get an idea of where he's going and, uh, any questions that you guys have, make sure you drop them in the comment or in the question box here. And I think I saw Chris had already joined in, so let me send him that so we can get him in here and get going. Uh, uh, Justin Mauro dropped in the live. What's going on brother say Chris's late. That's that's a fine where I come from, bro. Chris is not late. Mans was on time. He's been patiently waiting, uh, even patiently waiting cause I've I'm coming correct with the, uh, the official, the official introduction to the show. What's going on, brother? How you doing brother? And you're the actual legend man. I me bro. Hey, come on bro. Come on, come on, bro. You'll make me bless you're on the live. You know, yo love that.

Quincy Amarikwa (06:04):

Yo, I love that man. Repping the long-term winner's mindset, you know, uh, man, I pull up now you're making me, uh, relive good times. Um, I'm thinking about when we had the t-shirts, uh, at preseason 2020, uh, I saw you, I, the long-term winners mindset t-shirt immediately and say that that's me. That was mine. I mean, Hey, I need that. I need does it. Okay. Bet, bro. This is the only one I have, but facts it's yours. Yeah, no, I'm happy to see you still got it, brother. What a man. I know we'll, we'll end up talking about a whole bunch of stuff as we typically do. Uh, what, what made you, uh, what made you go for that, that shirt? What about that was, what about that represents you?

Quincy Amarikwa (06:52):

Yeah, the long-term mindset, something I really picked up off of you. That's something that you preached in our conversation, several conversations throughout our year together, um, you know, before go, the beating you and talking to you and learning your mindset. I was very stern sort term with my thinking and how I went day by day and how I went about life. Um, you know, just take a sort term for quick reference. You know, first couple of years in a lead, I wasn't really thinking about life after soccer. You know, like I'm a professional soccer player, things are going okay. You know, I'm not going to be here for awhile. Not thinking that anything can change at any moment. Uh, and things did. And my career was we'll probably get into a little later, which kind of starts shifting my mindset and that in addition with meeting you and talking to you and having our conversations, uh, so now more of a long-term thinker in terms of the way I operate.

Quincy Amarikwa (07:55):

That's awesome, man. No, I appreciate, I mean, I appreciate that and it's, it's cool, man. It's been cool to really see your progress and your process, you know, just like, uh, initially meeting you in DC, watching, watching you watch me and Earl just have long debates in the, in the locker room, uh, you know, helping me better understand, you know, your approach and how you think about things and you know, always, I will always tell you, you know what I mean? Like I learned just as much, I think I feel I learned even more from you, you know what I mean? Like, and I've always appreciated how open you've been in, in, um, your willingness to like recognize where you're at. Like, I, I guess my main thing I'm getting around to the directing is like, there's a, it's, it's a skillset of knowing you don't know everything, but also confident that you do know, you know, what you know, and you're good at what you do.

Quincy Amarikwa (08:59):

You know what I mean? So it's like, it's, it's a, it's a good, it's a good balance. And um, I always thought you did a really great job of that. And um, it's just been cool to see how that progressed over time. Um, you, you, of, you touched on it a little bit in terms of what might've kind of, kick-started your, Hey, you know, soccer doesn't doesn't necessarily, might not last forever. Um, w you want to give us a little bit of, uh, of your, of your story, you know, uh, of it, of what you'd like to share and, and, and what that process has been like for you.

Quincy Amarikwa (09:34):

Yeah, sure. So, um, I guess I'll take it back a little bit. Just give people a little bit of my background. Uh, Chris had deleted sham, my full name. If you didn't know, going into my fifth year of professional soccer with DC United, uh, born and raised in Maryland. So I'm from this area I've been here my whole life pretty much. And I think that's where it all stems from. You know, I think I've lived, uh, you know, a very good life, especially growing up. My parents worked very hard to give me all the resources I needed in order to be successful. You know, whether it was the, the schools I went to growing up, or, uh, finally it's to go to a better team. You know, growing up the team was an hour away. The practice was our way. Parents made that sacrifice to get me there in order to become a better player.

Quincy Amarikwa (10:25):

And I think that's where it was like, I was just, I was pretty much in a comfortable position for most of my life. Um, and that lasted a long time, you know, as I progressed and got older, uh, soccer was always pretty comfortable. I was always one of the better players in the area in high school. My junior year, the team that at school would, I was wanting to go to Maryland, can call her. And so I committed early my junior year, I got to Maryland four years started there. Uh, so, you know, this was all comfortable, but once I got to my procreate, that's when things got shaken up a little bit and started becoming a little uncomfortable for me. Uh, 2017, I got drafted to DC United, uh, two weeks into my first pre-season. I got hurt, got an injury was out for a couple of weeks, came back, got sent, uh, the USL team Richmond, uh, at the time.

Quincy Amarikwa (11:17):

And, uh, I couldn't even play there. You know, I, I knew I was not having a chance of playing with the first thing and I was fine with that. I'll get my experience. And he goes, so it's hard to get my chance for the first thing. I go down to USL and I can't even get on the field there, you know, I'm like a month or two in my career and I'm like, I'm play in the USL. Like maybe I'm not cut out for this, you know, just hard on myself and my mentality wasn't right at the time. But, uh, eventually that might've been a good thing. Uh, since I was playing there, then he kept me at DC and train. I started quickly Franny and eventually like an injury happened. I started getting back into the, to the roster and the best of planning and starting games.

Quincy Amarikwa (12:00):

So it worked out in the, uh, in the end. So my first year was okay towards the end of the year. I got hurt again. Um, and then 2018 happened my second year in the league. I had a decent first year, so I'm expecting my second year to be even better. I'm trying to take it up a notch and make a true impact in the league. And that wasn't the case at all. Uh, immediately just started dealing with injuries. My second year had the surgery and then I was just always, uh, not feeling good, not feeling right. Something was always wrong. I didn't know what it was. I was going to the team telling them something's off something, you know, can, can I get checked out, find something, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. I got in my head and started thinking like, Oh man, they must think I'm lying or making the sub that out.

Quincy Amarikwa (12:47):

I was like, man, maybe I'm not cut out for this. You know, just went to a bad path. And towards the end of the year, it came out that I had possibly as my former, uh, form of blood cancer. So, you know, uh, went through, you know, obviously that's a very life-changing event that happened for me. And, uh, you know, that's when I really picked up the idea that man, like my career really could have been over at any time and the time I'd spend off the field. I wasn't really preparing myself for life after soccer. You know, it was more of coming home and taking a big nap for two, two and a half hours, uh, playing video games that Alize the grant, whatever, you know, just not being very productive with my free time when we have so much free time as professional soccer players.

Quincy Amarikwa (13:39):

Uh, so, you know, I went through chemotherapy, eventually made it back on the field and, uh, you know, that's that following year 2019 is when I met you. So, uh, the combination of, you know, having a cancer and going through that experience and then meeting you, someone with your mindset, just the combination of those things together just really had me motivated to start just doing things that were better for, for my life. Maybe after soccer or just putting in the work. Now, changing my mentality on certain things, certain things that you pointed out, maybe some flaws in me that you would point out, but, uh, with you, the type of person you are being so selfless. And even though you pointed out these flaws in me, you were willing and more than able to help me throw them and helped me work on them. And the amount of time that we spent like having conversations, man, it was a lot throughout the year, but I was appreciated you spending that time, like passing on your knowledge and information that you accumulated over your lifetime and your career and your willingness to pass that on to anybody who was willing to listen as everybody here in perfect soccer knows, uh, that you have, that you have, that you have that mindset and that you have that get to pass that on to other people.

Quincy Amarikwa (15:01):

So that's not my story. That's kind of how I changed my mindset. And I'm still working on still constant process. I still fall short a lot of times, but, uh, you know, I'm still trying to go up and up, uh, as, as life goes on,

Quincy Amarikwa (15:15):

Man, I love that, man. You gave me teary-eyed over here, bro. Might try to try to make me cry over here on my show, bro. That's that's I mean, I, I appreciate that. That's like, that means a lot. I, um, um, yeah, but I wasn't expecting to hear that, man. I just was, I was just always, uh, focused on hopefully trying to share how to avoid many mistakes that I made because I've made, I made a whole lot of them and I'm sure you saw me make a whole, a whole lot more, even, even in our time in, uh, in DC. Right. Uh, but as you know, and we talked about here on the show with the three S's of self-awareness, you know, like, um, making mistakes is part of the process and being, being open to criticism and self reflection and self-awareness is, is, is key right?

Quincy Amarikwa (16:09):

To accomplishing your goals, said it, I said it a little bit earlier here in the intro of what the, a, what the MSM mindset is. And, uh, I think something that you pointed out as well as like, you, you fall short, but you're falling forward, you know, and if you've got the long-term winners mindset, you know, a loss or a setback, um, even you had mentioned it, um, when you were talking about, uh, when you got sent down to the USL very early in your, your, you know, your first year looking back on it, it's a positive, but during, it's not, it's not so positive. Right.

Quincy Amarikwa (16:46):

He talked about the, um, the state of self doubt, uh, questioning, am I cut out for this? You know, is it me? Is it the system? Is it, you know, it's a very uncomfortable, uh, face and I think what's great. What's great in your story and you sharing that is, um, a lot of players, parents, coaches, um, don't see that side of the game, right. They don't, they don't, they don't hear about that. That's not spoken to very frequently or often. And, um, it, it can, it can make people feel as though they're alone or they're by themselves, you know, they're by themselves in that. Um, so I, I think it's a amazing, your willingness to kind of share that and, um, and, and be so open. Um, when most people would be very scared, be very scared to be. Um, and, and that makes me even think about, uh, the, the conversations and, and, uh, jokes and stuff we'd have in the locker room about me always teasing you about being hella scary all the time. Right. Uh, okay. What, what do you, what do you think that, like, you know, I obviously I have my thoughts as to what it, what it is or what I think it to be, but like, for you, like, do you feel like those were rational fears? Do you think, like they're healthy? Like how, how do you describe what fear is? Like, what does fear to you?

Quincy Amarikwa (18:17):

Fear to me, I would say is the unknown. Um, so like our previous previously said, you know, I was always pretty much in a comfortable position and then didn't really care too much for too much change, you know? Uh, so, you know, fear to me is it's probably changed stepping into the unknown. And you were quick to point that out and said, do what you say. You're scared of just scary that I, I didn't like you saying that, but at the same time, you know, the fact that I realized, man, this question seems to send me like, this must be a real thing with me. Like, how do I, how do I work on, or how do I flex on it? And, you know, he gave me some great advice with that. And he said anything that's, you're, you're afraid of, or, uh, apprehensive to do, man, just step into it and see what you're scared of. He's like half the time, your head step in there and you look around, you're like, man, like I shouldn't, I shouldn't have got scared at all. You know, this isn't too bad that I, so, you know, I've tried to take that. So try to apply that. It's how to do things that, you know, a few years ago there was no chance I would have been doing so for sure, appreciate you for the poking at me, uh, to get, to get better.

Quincy Amarikwa (19:37):

Yeah. Not, uh, not everybody's too happy with my approach. Right. Uh, in the short term, um, the goal and hope is that in the long-term right. Um, it seemed for what it, what it's meant to be, which is a love, you know what I mean? Like I see your puppy. I see, I see where you are and I also see what you can become and what, you know, you can become for yourself. Right. Um, but nothing, nothing of greatness happens staying in your comfort zone, always, you know? And, um, it doesn't mean you're always going to step into step into the unknown and everything's going to go great. Sometimes it's gonna, it's going to go terribly wrong, but that also is an opportunity to learn. And I think you've, you've done it in your own way. And, and, uh, you know, you did the work I could, I could, you know, I can pull it out or call it out and tease you or, you know, encourage you, or however you want to, you know, someone might look at it as teasing and someone else looks at it as encouragement.

Quincy Amarikwa (20:43):

Right. Motivation. Um, so, and, and, and we talk a lot about that here. Right? Take negativity or positivity, or take negativity and turn it into positivity and take positivity and utilize it no matter what, it's energy. Right. So how are you going to utilize the energy to focus the attention people give you positive or negative? Um, so, uh, it's, it's no, it's, it's cool to, it's cool to see it. It's really cool to hear, because my point is really, you still have to do the work that matter if I call it out or pointed out, right? Like you're doing the work, your, your self reflect your step when you could maybe do more or when you need to do less, you know, cause you know, we're not all the same. We don't all have the same background, the same advantages disadvantages. And, um, what works for me might not work for you. Um, but your willingness to kind of, like I said, here, be confident in, in what, you know, but also open to seeing and hearing other things. I always, I always thought was a very valuable and, and um, impactful attribute that you have and, um, hopefully hopefully more clubs see that, understand that and, uh, and value that here moving forward. I, I, I think they will, if they're the smart ones will at least broke.

Quincy Amarikwa (22:11):

Um, okay. So let me see here. So everybody, uh, so obviously obviously a bunch of people are spending the heart button love and the love and the conversation so far, and a lot that you're talking about, um, uh, if anyone's got any questions, make sure questions for Chris, drop them in the, in the chat box here below also I'll look through the, um, Oh, Kevin joined in and said what up, um, tournament. Okay guys, you're talking about the tournament. What's uh, uh, uh, let's see. You always end up falling behind on the, on the scrolling here. Um, yeah, I've ever been on, this is your first live bro for something new, right? Yo, shout out.

Quincy Amarikwa (23:06):

I love that, man. You know, the, uh, it's very, uh, uh, we had DWP Bradley, right. Phillips was on. I want to say like episode, Oh man. Now to my knowledge. But, um, he came on, it was his first Instagram live as well to mans didn't know nothing about it. I was just like, what? Let's go, what up? Let's do it. Yeah. It was a great episode. So it was like, I respect that. That is a quality that a lot of people had, so they got to be prepared, perfectly love that. Uh, okay. So let's see what we got here, uh, at camp Kendall had said through adversity comes greatness and then dropped her I'm in the head and her I'm in the head. I'm in your head emojis. Uh, Kevin Perez said that boy, Chris is different. Right.

Quincy Amarikwa (24:02):

Having a different breed backs. Right.

Quincy Amarikwa (24:10):

Um, let's see.

Quincy Amarikwa (24:14):

Okay. So we got Mark Tackett, Mark [inaudible], um, asked, uh, what was your biggest misconception about being an MLS player?

Quincy Amarikwa (24:25):

Biggest misconception.

Quincy Amarikwa (24:27):

Okay.

Quincy Amarikwa (24:37):

Like prior to being a player and then realized that once I get in trouble, once I get that

Quincy Amarikwa (24:43):

Yeah. Let's, let's go. Um, let's go with that.

Quincy Amarikwa (24:54):

Probably I bought, I was more prepared for the adversity. Like the first thing that I mentioned, you know, I was prepared not to play right away for the first team, but, you know, I thought for sure I'd be able to play, uh, start in the USO and it wasn't, I wasn't even getting into that. That was just a real rude awakening for me, uh, that I had to go through, but you know, maybe better in the long run. So, uh, yeah, I would say that, uh, that maybe not easy to play in MLS, but definitely in the USO. I thought I was well prepared for that.

Quincy Amarikwa (25:36):

Okay. I like, okay. So then what was it that you were missing at that time? Like, cause clearly you figured it out, right? Like where you figured out what you needed to do, what, what, what did you get comfortable? What were you too comfortable with? And like, how did you under S how did you, how did you underestimate it so greatly?

Quincy Amarikwa (26:02):

You know, I thought it was just a given that, okay, the first thing sends me down to USO are going to be playing and, and starting and getting my minutes because you're not allowed. That's how it works. And I think five of us were sent down from the first team and all the, all of the four others were starting to play the whole game. And I'm there sitting on the bench, the whole game. I'm like, like, like what's up with me? Like, what am I doing? And then I started seeing him, I played my play, started to decrease until just like all mentality. I was like, man, I'm like, good for this look good enough for this level. So, you know, that's what it was for me. And it was, it was hard to get out of that, but, you know, eventually they call me back to the first team to train and that's when I started helping my game and improving at a fast rate. But, you know, if they had left me there, I don't know what else would have happened to be honest.

Quincy Amarikwa (26:57):

Gotcha. So what, what did you, what did you hone in on focus in on, like, what was your kind of North star?

Quincy Amarikwa (27:06):

Uh, what do you mean? Exactly?

Quincy Amarikwa (27:09):

So like you, you, you went down, you weren't expecting that you weren't playing, you got kind of like a second opportunity at getting back up to the first team and getting some, some training. What, what about once you got back? What did you focus on? So that, that, that wouldn't happen to you. So like you focused on the, how you felt not being involved and that made you work harder. Um, and if so, like what did you work harder at? Like what did you stop taking for granted? What did you stop? Um, what did you stop thinking was a given?

Quincy Amarikwa (27:49):

Yeah, for sure. I didn't want to feel that feeling again. So when I get back, got back to DC training, I was prepared to go back down. But, uh, when I did go back down, I was like, okay, I'm gonna be ready next time I go back for sure. So it was just things like, uh, going to training and even staying at the training, you know, knowing our assistant coach Nolan, he was helping me a lot. He was the guy who I was talking to a lot throughout that time and helping me focus on certain things after practice, maybe it was after practice, I've stayed a little later within maybe 20, 20 crosses or something like that. There's different parts of my game, just trying to get better at the round, out my game. Um, so whenever I was, you know, as me thinking, going back to USAA, I'll be ready, but it came to the point where the opportunity opened up for me with the first team. And I think I took full advantage of it when I was, uh, put in there, you know, start playing games, subbing in and definitely started starting the games. And, you know, I think my first year after I played, you know, good to, uh, above average, you know, every game support supper, maybe one game, I had a bad game, but other than that, I was pretty consistent or, uh, really felt like I belonged after that.

Quincy Amarikwa (29:06):

Love that. Okay. So, so you, you got a slice of humble pie, right? And then had to be honest with yourself about that and know that you didn't want to feel that again, you got, you, you took self initiative, cause you said I'm not going to make that mistake again. And I'm going to do additional work prepared for the next time. And then you held yourself accountable to that, to the point that you didn't even have to end up getting sent back down. Cause it's almost like you learned your lesson and you started accelerating growing quickly from that, from that experience. So I like that, man, that's active, that's active, uh, execution of the three S's of self-awareness man.

Quincy Amarikwa (29:47):

No, the last part self, uh, accountability. That's a big part that I feel like sometimes I like to just stay consistent and disciplined and that, uh, uh, and when I'm doing so for that year, you know, I was pretty consistent with doing quite a bit of extra work after training. And I think I really hope, and I should be doing more of it now to be honest, but yeah,

Quincy Amarikwa (30:13):

No, I follow you. I think, I think that's the one that can get most difficult because when you hold yourself accountable, it becomes habit and routine and then that becomes comfortable, you know? And, and then I think I talk about it. We talk about a lot. I talk about it here on the show, you know, what got you here might not get you there. And especially at the professional sports level, right? It's, there's constantly someone that's coming for your spot. So we talk about, you know, adapt or die. You got to adapt times change and sometimes they change real quick, you know? And, um, uh, I think understanding your strengths and your weaknesses is, is crucial to developing a long-term winner's mindset and surviving, you know, uh, for the, for the longterm. So I think, yeah, I think your experience is very unique and your perspective is extremely unique. And, and because of that, I think it only will, it only helps you Excel in the professional, in the professional world, you know, and, um, I think, uh, that's kind of a good, good, uh, transition into the next question that came in from, uh, from Joe Jackson. Um, he had asked, uh, what, uh, what do you want to do after your career, or what do you think be interested in,

Quincy Amarikwa (31:31):

Hey, great question. Um, I'm still working on that, trying to figure exactly what I want to do post career. And I don't know if you wanted to bring that up or I can bring it up now, but, uh, I'll be starting the internship actually with, uh, Quincy and perfect soccer learning under him. I think that's just, it's just a great time for me, you know, I spent almost the last year or two really learning and doing, going through personal development and things like that, but I think it's now it's time to put things into action. So, you know, things came up maybe possibly going back to school or maybe get a MBA or something like that. But, uh, you know, our conversation has made you Quincy and you vastly brought up this idea of me, you know, really working under you and learning and helping you at perfect soccer. And I thought it was a great opportunity. So, uh, you know, you're going to have me in different roles and positions to figure out what I like best. And I think it would give me more of a clarity to figure out which direction I want to go post career.

Quincy Amarikwa (32:37):

And, uh, was, Joe had asked that question yet. And, uh, I was excited. I'm excited to announce that, uh, yeah, Chris will be joining as a perfect soccer intern starting out here, um, with us. Um, we've had, you know, several, several interns in the past so far and some have become a full members of our, of the perfect soccer team. Um, some have kind of moved on into other industries and areas and it's, uh, it's been an amazing process. Um, Chris has helped us with our newly updated onboarding process, which has been awesome and, uh, creating a space where like he had mentioned, he can kind of, um, figure out where he wants to go because as a lot of, um, our followers and members, um, struggled with is, you know, how do I figure out what it is that I want to do? How do I know what I want to do?

Quincy Amarikwa (33:29):

That's like, that's a big task, you know, and a lot of people just put it on delay and they procrastinate, right. Cause they're just like, ah, I'll do it later. I'll figure it out later. I'll figure it out later. And very similar where you said, Hey, as a pro player, you got a lot of time, right? As a, as a, you know, a kid in high school in junior high kid in elementary school kid in college, you, you have a lot of time, you know, and, um, working and at a slow pace to figure that out is better than delaying it. So you said you've been, you've been researching personal development learning kind of tasting a little bit here and there over the last two years. And in that two year time, then it said, Hey, I think I want to, I want to dabble in this.

Quincy Amarikwa (34:15):

I know you're doing, you were trying to, you're a little bit of re real estate and you know, stock market. And I mean, I think my point is people think that you have to have it all figured out right away and from the beginning. And that's not the case, you know, that that's not the case at all. And, um, hopefully here with conversations like this and a big reason why I wanted to have you as a, you know, episode one Oh two of the show is, um, creating that space. So we have the room to figure it out. You know, we're not going to know everything. We're going to make mistakes. You can try something and that will maybe let you know that you don't want anything to do with it. And it's okay. Let's move on to something else. But let's also, let's also make sure we have a plan that we can commit to, um, over time, this is that longterm winners mindset.

Quincy Amarikwa (35:04):

I'm just, I'm just seeing, I'm just like your ex you're just you're executing on it. Right. You're living it. And, um, it, I guess it makes me reflect on like being in the locker room and I can be preaching it and saying it, and then it can be, I act, Quincy, Quincy, just talk him just the same old thing. Right. And I get that, right. Like, that's good, good. If I get tired and you're, you're sick of hearing me. That means you, at least you heard me say, you know, if, and when you hit that typical time or that road or whatever, if, if, if that story is helpful, cool. I did my job. Right. That's how I'm looking at it. And, uh, E being on this side, in terms of just seeing the results of the work that you've been doing in your free time, right?

Quincy Amarikwa (35:54):

Like when no, one's looking, holding yourself accountable, taking initiative, being honest with yourself, like the results speak, you know, and I, I think it's been well-deserved and I think you've earned. I think you've earned it, you know? So I'm, I'm just, uh, I'm proud of what you've been doing. And, um, I'm excited for, for what's what's to come and your future man. And, uh, you got other, uh, you got other fans, uh, uh, Philippe joined in, gave away. Yeah. Uh, uh, Earl, Earl Edwards Jr. Came and said, ah, I'm mad. I missed the first half of this one. Let me see. Okay. Yeah. So like I said, I'll fall behind on the step. Okay. So Earl's on Earl said for everyone watching Quincy, Chris and I sat side by side in the DC locker room and would have Cabos just like this every day for hours. Um, it was, it was our intro into the MSL life-changing, uh, Facebook. And he said, yeah, four hours. Yeah. You said four hours, but four hours. Isn't far off LOL. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you got, uh, Christina dropped, uh I'm in your head emojis, uh, jaw. Oh yeah. W it was a jaw had said, Oh, just finish a sweaty run. Didn't want to, didn't want to, but I'm part of the MSL school. I, uh, let's see. I think I saw another question for you. Come in here. Um, okay. Is dot Umar, U U M a R underscore said, Hey, Chris, what's the number one thing you do off the field that helps you progress as a player?

Quincy Amarikwa (37:36):

How I spend my time though, like I said, I used to spend it not being productive at all waste of time. It was just cool. Like, you just have to find a balance that works for you, but you can't be all one end of the spectrum too much. So before, when it was solely like TV, NABS, whatever, now it's more learning like, like you had previously said, learning about investing in real estate, investing in a stock market, you know, something that can set me up for, for the future, uh, you know, and continue to develop. So, uh, I've taken certain courses. They have free courses online, uh, that spend time on, uh, financial literacy course was kind of introductory me too, but I found another one on my own. Just how to better manage my money on my home and stuff like that. Uh, what else I spent my time doing, uh, um, I cook a lot now. Uh, you know, I changed my diet, so I have to cook a lot more for me, uh, spend time meditating. Uh, I tried to do that as soon as I wake up in the morning I go to sleep. I felt like that's really helped me, um, clear my head. Um, but yeah, just try to be productive with my free time. Um, for sure.

Quincy Amarikwa (39:05):

I love, I love that. Um, I can stand to do that a bit more. I did. I tried meditating. I did that for a little bit. Um, I liked that and enjoyed that. Like, I need to make time for that. That one's a good one. Um, you'd mentioned a lot of that is coming down to like time management. Did, um, did you utilize the time management, uh, worksheet and training that we had?

Quincy Amarikwa (39:29):

Yeah. So for those of you don't know, uh, once we Earl and I started talking to Quincy and he started to bring us into the MSL mindset, uh, he had, uh, started, uh, clock in what we're doing and how we're spending our time every day, what we're doing every 30 minutes of the day. Um, so, you know, I definitely got really into that. And just at first you could kind of see how you would spend your time and how it wasn't productive, and you really don't really notice it or realize when you're doing it, but when you have to write it down and type it, and you're spending box at the box saying watching TV, watching TV, watching TV, it's like, man, like maybe I shouldn't be spending as much time watching TV. And that was a great thing for me is, uh, um, to be honest, I'm still not currently doing that right now, but I definitely do have better, uh, knowledge of what I'm doing and how I'm spending my time. But, you know, for that first year I did it, uh, I did it consistently for a year. I think you're helping. It really did help me in a lot of ways, seeing how I spend my time more productive,

Quincy Amarikwa (40:44):

I'd love that we can. I think for the longest time I thought I thought the problem was, uh, I thought the root problem was a financial problem, like of like, okay, everyone spends their time doing things to kind of, to make money or to earn money so that they can take vacation and start a business, invest in their futures, pay for school, whatever. Right. And I was going like, okay, a lot of people don't have a financial literacy so that, you know, I focused on building that, that first financial literacy course and, and sharing what I had learned and mistakes I've made and the real estate deals and all that stuff. And it wasn't necessarily resulting in what I thought it was until I really focusing. And I went, you know what, it's actually, it's a time literacy, literacy, uh, issue, right? Like it's like people, people, one, they don't know how to budget their money.

Quincy Amarikwa (41:36):

That's one problem. But worse is, people don't know how to budget their time, you know? And to the point that you're making is, you know, when you're not writing down where you spend your time, you literally don't see your time. You don't see it. So you don't even, you don't realize you are bleeding time. Right. Um, and, uh, once, once we put together that time management worksheet, I mean, for me, that was like the light bulb for me, in terms of like how I can better utilize my time as well too, is showcasing how guys can learn, how to budget and manage their time, their time for themselves. Um, and with you saying that, you know, is that you stuck to it for a year, that's massive, right. It becomes a habit. And now you can start thinking in terms of your time allocation and you don't necessarily have to write it every day to break up your day into 30 minutes segments.

Quincy Amarikwa (42:36):

Right. For sure. Um, it's a, it's an act, it's a practice in meditation it's own way because you have to be focused on a task for a certain duration of time. And it's a task that you might not necessarily enjoy because it's showing you where you fall short and literally have to confront it every day. Like you're looking at your BS every day and you're just like, okay, can I keep looking at this and still do it and not like, and then make excuses as to why that opportunity was because of someone else, you know? Um, no, it's beautiful. Uh, cause I was thinking with, uh, Earl, right. Earl's I think Earl's more my temperament like, go, go, go today. Yes. Okay. Go, go, go crash bird. Do it again. Uh, uh, and seeing, seeing you guys approach the time management sheet and the, the, uh, the feedback I get from you guys in terms of like hating it.

Quincy Amarikwa (43:40):

Yeah.

Quincy Amarikwa (43:46):

Is, you know, this is, this is stupid, you know what I mean? Like what's the point I don't see. And I go, yeah. Okay.

Quincy Amarikwa (43:58):

Yeah.

Quincy Amarikwa (43:58):

Yeah, man. Uh, it's, it's, it's uh, it's positive feedback. It's good to hear. Right. Cause like the feedback now is like, all right. Yeah, yeah. Like that was helpful. You know what I mean? I didn't enjoy it. I look at it like preseason, I didn't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy throwing up. Cause I ran too hard and I didn't have fun doing the beep test, but I am happy that I'm healthy in the middle of the year and I'm fit and I'm ready to, uh, destroy the team that we're playing on the weekend. You know? So, uh, yeah bro,

Quincy Amarikwa (44:31):

I did.

Quincy Amarikwa (44:32):

I didn't know. I didn't know you, uh, you utilized it for over a year, man. That's dope. I'd have to ask the girl Earl tapped out after, I don't know Earl. How, how long until you tapped out on the time management sheet, man, let's see. Uh,

Quincy Amarikwa (44:50):

No more crying.

Quincy Amarikwa (44:51):

Okay. Uh, John just said, keep out at every one time to get on that homework grind. I'm in your head. Uh, see you all next time. Thank you, Quincy. And thank you, Chris. So yeah, I think a lot of people are really enjoying this episode, man, and have taken up an awful lot of gems from you. Um, and I appreciate the time man. Umar said appreciate the answers brother. Um, Wessex uh, gave you three goat emojis all in a row

Quincy Amarikwa (45:19):

And that's my guy, friends man from second grade. Oh wow. Shout out West,

Quincy Amarikwa (45:27):

The most diesel a school teacher.

Quincy Amarikwa (45:30):

Okay.

Quincy Amarikwa (45:36):

I love that role. He's got to start Instagram account bro. Just flex them on everybody.

Quincy Amarikwa (45:42):

Uh,

Quincy Amarikwa (45:42):

Let's see. Okay. Joe Jackson said, yo Quincy, that's the next challenge. Try to fill out the time management cheat every day for six months, I liked that we could do that. Um, uh, uh, last week, um, last week we had our first winner of the 10 pushup challenge. Um, what, what it was was I challenged our, our followers to say, okay, all you have to do in this offer still stands. All you have to do is 10 pushups every day without and not miss a day for six months, you do that. You get some free perfect soccer Merck. And uh, I think has been like two years sentence going on and we've only had one, one person she's made it so far. Uh it's it's it's easy physically. It's difficult mentally. Um, let's see. Earl had said, I remember not wanting to tell you, uh, why the time sheet was hard to embarrassing.

Quincy Amarikwa (46:42):

Yeah.

Quincy Amarikwa (46:42):

Uh, okay. Earl said I actually lasted a little over a year. Okay. That's decent. I just took a short hiatus early on. Cause I wasn't ready for all that. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I avoided you for two weeks. Uh, yeah. I love that. The part of the, the part of the process where everyone I work with goes on a hiatus. It just ignores me and sends me no messages. It just doesn't look me in the eye for however long. And I'm like, uh, okay. Uh, I guess either I'll never talk to them again or there'll be back around once they they've calmed down or

Quincy Amarikwa (47:23):

Okay.

Quincy Amarikwa (47:24):

I love that. Right. Okay. Uh, now I, I love time, man. We've got, let's say we've got about 10 more minutes here before. Uh, we'll. We'll wrap up the hour here. Uh let's uh, keep it more. I know we've gone deep on a lot of things. What what's uh, so some foams fun stories or, uh, something that stands out to you during our time in, um, during our time in 2019, like couples share a couple of stories, uh, that you thought were, were ridiculous. Stupid, funny, sad. Uh, w what do you got?

Quincy Amarikwa (48:01):

Definitely some funny moments. Um, one off the top of my head is, is your introduction to the team, but, uh, with the presentation and then Earl, the reason why Earl awarded you for first couple of months, and that's, that's always a funny story. You can tell this story.

Quincy Amarikwa (48:22):

No. Okay. All right. So why do you, you remember it? Like, Oh, okay. I've never, okay. I've never heard from your perspective, so, okay. I'll give a quick background story on that. Right. So for those who don't know, Earl essentially like blew me off for the first, like three months. So like Earl had said in the, in the comments there, uh, Chris Earl and myself were right next to each other as locker mates while I was at DC. Right. But for the first three months, Earl just ignored my existence. Thought I was the dumbest person who ever existed and just wrote me off right from the beginning. And he wrote me off because of a joke I made at the, uh, MLS, like introduction presentation, where they, they go over all the things you can, you and things you can, and can't say on the board and the guy who was giving the presentation was saying every word and doing everything, but avoided saying the N word. Right.

Quincy Amarikwa (49:20):

You know, and I can tell he's on the hot seat and he really wanted to move on from it. And I had raised my hand and he is, Oh, okay. Quincy called me and said, Hey, what's that word? I, all the other words I've written out, but what about that, that, that word there? He said, which one was it? The end? That one, what does the word, what is that? And he was, he was just sitting there for a little bit before I was, I said, Oh, I thought it was, hell, I still think it's hilarious, bro.

Quincy Amarikwa (49:48):

I thought it was hilarious. I was dying. Like the,

Quincy Amarikwa (49:51):

Okay, well that's okay. I love that. So like, what was your experience? Because Earl thought it was the dumbest joke out of ti like wrote me off for three months. Uh, what, what were your, what were your thoughts?

Quincy Amarikwa (50:05):

Yeah, that was my first time. Cause this was like your first day, right? So no one really knows who you are. I don't know. I didn't really know you. And literally that's my first thing I hear you say is like, Oh, what's that N word up there. And gas trace and how Shirky was up there, man. I was laughing in the back of the room when, uh, you know, he gets to see in the locker room. Some people find it funny. Some people didn't Earl was obviously one who did not find that plenty at all to the point where he didn't want to talk to Quincy for like three months off of that one joke. But I thought it was funny,

Quincy Amarikwa (50:46):

Bro. You gotta shoot your shot, bro. Like, like, well, hopefully that, okay. So there's a lesson to be learned there. Like, Hey, there's, there's not much that you can't recover from. There's a, there's a path back, you know what I mean? Like, Hey,

Quincy Amarikwa (51:04):

Takes time to get there. You'll get back there.

Quincy Amarikwa (51:09):

Yeah. He said, yo, I'm crying. Oh man. Uh, okay. Uh, Oh, Joe Jackson. Yeah. I remember that story. Uh, Oh yeah. And Earl said, I'm sure you guys cover this. We did not yet. So I'm glad that you brought it up. Uh, but he said, Chris, congratulations again on the new contract. Uh, uh, for those who don't know, uh, Chris just signed his new deal with DC United, uh, ink, the deal. What? Little less than a week or two weeks ago. Okay.

Quincy Amarikwa (51:40):

Yeah. About a week and a half ago last week.

Quincy Amarikwa (51:44):

Well, congratulations on that. I know we're uh, we're just to see what 2020 has to has in store as well as beyond, um,

Quincy Amarikwa (51:54):

Appreciate her shout out to her for, uh, signing with new England.

Quincy Amarikwa (51:59):

Yes. Right? This man's making moves, bro. Hey, so what's uh, if uh, new England meets DC bro, this year who who's, who's coming away with the w yeah.

Quincy Amarikwa (52:13):

You already know, you probably know Aero already knows to come on, man. Next, next question. Next question.

Quincy Amarikwa (52:32):

EMA cover for you, bro. Bro, bro email. Still. He still has to come talk to me yet, bro. You tell this man, bro. He's not yay. EMA. Where you at, bro? Where are you back? Oh man. I love that. Oh, okay. Uh, Dania. Any other stories? Any, any other ones that come to mind?

Quincy Amarikwa (52:57):

I'm not sure. What about you? You, you have any off the top of your,

Quincy Amarikwa (53:01):

Uh, let me, uh, let me think. Oh, uh, I'll let you think while I see Earl now Earl's show throwing his shots. I know he's wishing he could three way call in on this is 1996, weights, eight wins in any trophies. Um, man, I hope, I hope I ended up getting back into the Emma MSL. I've always been in the MSL bro, but getting back to the FLS road just so I can show up to you guys to cities and just talk mad

Quincy Amarikwa (53:43):

Marrow, man. We all, we always go back and forth on trash talk and especially like football, you know, he's a big, uh, chargers fan. I'm a big football team, Washington football team fan. So, you know, we always go back forth on that fantasy football. So we will always talk trash to each other.

Quincy Amarikwa (54:04):

Is it, it doesn't mean anything unless we're, unless there's putting something on the line bro. And Earl said he seen EMA today looking like a beast. Don't be scared to get outta here. Uh, uh, Chris, Chris always ends with you. Got it. Uh, yo okay. No, what we'll do we'll table it. I appreciate that, man. Uh, this has been a good life. I'm glad we got to wrap a bit, uh, share, share a bit of what's going on, make some amazing announcement, uh, announcements and I'm looking forward to, uh, you join into perfect soccer team here, moving forward. We'll figure out, you know, how that will look and, um, what you'll be involved with. I'm sure the fans will see you on a live here or something. Uh, you guys, if you've got any questions or ideas, make sure you send them in [email protected]. Um, we'll, uh, we'll be getting clips in the replay of this episode and published on next Tuesday.

Quincy Amarikwa (55:13):

So for those of you who miss out on the lives, you got to wait some time before you get to re download any of the knowledge. Um, uh, shout out to, uh, Chris again for joining in today. And for those of you who haven't yet, make sure you go to perfect soccer skills.com/subscription, get your perfect soccer subscription. You'll get access to all of our books, tools, training center, uh, training resources, uh, the time management sheet that, uh, Chris is talking about. The, um, the perfect soccer player blueprint, the ultimate college soccer recruiting blueprint, the goalkeeper, uh, blueprint. Oh man, I'm trying to think of all the stuff we've got the pro weekly now, uh, beginner, intermediate and advanced, um, at-home private, uh, personalized training programs, uh, every week, every Sunday. So all seven days of the week, that includes mentality training. Um, as well as we'll, we're setting up a weekly zoom training sessions and deep dive, uh, private MSL sessions, uh, just like this.

Quincy Amarikwa (56:12):

So, um, there's a lot that comes with that perfect soccer subscription. We're also including the monthly subscription comes with a free perfect soccer mini ball. A year subscription comes with the perfect soccer match ball. You hit a perfect soccer, uh, uh, resume. So, uh, your own website with, uh, edited services and a highlight tape and all that to promote yourselves, to coaches and, um, uh, teams to get scouted plus a breakdown of how to reach out to college coaches, um, professional coaches, agents, and, uh, get yourself promoted, promoted, properly marketed. So you can play with the team of your choice. The purpose soccer subscription comes with a whole bunch of stuff. I'm, I'm missing a bunch of things. Um, I get so wrapped up in, uh, getting to the, uh, the mindset, the strategies and all of that, that I, I always forget to promote where everybody can get access to everything. So I wanted to make sure I take a, took a moment to let everybody know about the perfect soccer subscription. Uh, thank, uh, Chris again for joining in, um, man, everyone's spamming that heart button. They're loving this, uh, the drop and I'm in the head emojis for you, Chris, uh, before, before you take off here, is there anything you, uh, you were wanting to, uh, share, promote, um, let the followers know about, uh, to where they, where can they follow you? Um, yeah,

Quincy Amarikwa (57:31):

Yeah, no, uh, I only have Instagram, so you can find me there. Chris underscore I'll Dewey a chain, uh, but like Quincy said, I'll be involved with, uh, purpose soccer going forward. So I'll be seeing a lot of you guys a lot more often. So thanks again, Quincy for having me on the day. Appreciate talking to you as always. And we'll talk soon. Thanks again, bro.

Quincy Amarikwa (57:58):

Yo, that is, uh, that's massive. Uh, love, always love wrapping with Chris. A shout out to everybody who stopped by and joined in and, and shared their thoughts. Um, Popa said the live today though, uh, cry face emoji, uh, soccer dad for life that had a good have a good night. Have a good night. Thanks. Thanks for stopping by Joe Jackson, uh, had said was a great life. Thank you both have a great week. Of course. Thanks for stopping by as always, uh, Umar, uh, dropped diamond, your head emojis, Pope bus at another great episode down, uh I'm in your head emojis, Joe Jackson would be Jesus' hands. And, uh, Ryan Rodriguez said I'm a fan here in Brazil. So as always we're international, this works in all markets all over the world. This is the, the global mentality update and you guys are along for the ride. I appreciate everybody for joining in tuning in big shout out again to Chris. Um, and as he said, he'll be, you'll be seeing him here more as time goes on. And as always everybody I'm in your head, see you next week.

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