#or: why qi doesn't have gift giving as a friendship benefit

[sanddusted-wisteria]

1000 Things to Do with Sulfuric Acid [Oneshot]

GN!builder/Qi; crack

Warnings: None

Also on AO3

Summary: #512: A gift for a special someone~

Qi frowned at the page. What strange advice. A hazardous chemical was generally not considered to be a socially acceptable gift, much less a gift with romantic connotations.

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#512: A gift for a special someone~

Got a special someone in your life? Or maybe you’ve got your eye on someone special…? Whether it’s a spouse, a partner, or a crush, a beaker’s worth of sulfuric acid is sure to capture their heart. A gift that shows how much you care and how deep your trust runs.

CAUTION: Make sure to create a solution with a concentration that you can safely trust them with, and give it in a safe, sealed, and labeled container!!

Qi frowned at the page. What strange advice. A hazardous chemical was generally not considered to be a socially acceptable gift, much less a gift with romantic connotations.

He sighed and shut the book, not even bothering to bookmark it. He’d bought the book because the title intrigued him: 1000 Things to Do with Sulfuric Acid. He thought it would be a thousand experiment ideas or uses in machinery, which, to be fair, the first hundred or so were. But beyond that, the ideas started getting increasingly bizarre. It seemed the only thing this book was good for was amusement.

For whatever reason, instead of picking up another book, Qi felt compelled to stare at the cover for a little longer, with its bold title font and bright color scheme. A familiar sensation slowly crawled its way through his mind. If Qi had to give it a physical analog, he’d describe it as…an itch. An itch, an urge, to experiment, to inquire, to make something.

A hypothesis, a blueprint, a sketch, a problem…

…An idea.

An idea between this book, and…

His eyes trailed up to the wall his desk was against, specifically to its latest addition, a framed photo of him and…

…the builder.

It was their idea to take the photo on a date one time, as the two of them walked hand in hand by the oasis, watching the sun set. They were pressed close together, arms over each other’s shoulders. A bright smile was on the builder’s face, while a much more mild one was on Qi’s.

His mind drifted to their near-endless generosity towards him, even when they first met. They almost always had something for him. A power stone, a data disk, a relic, tea, coffee, a hot plate of food… He hardly gifted them anything in return, though they never seemed to mind. He wanted to reciprocate their generosity somehow, to show that he truly appreciated it. Like the book said, he wanted to show that he cares. Even though his intuition was telling him that sulfuric acid made a terrible gift, he couldn’t help but wonder if the book’s advice had some kind of merit. If they enjoyed it, wonderful! If not, then at least he would have satiated his curiosity and confirmed that this book is, in fact, total nonsense. No harm done. Unless the builder gets harmed from the acid, which would…not be ideal. He would have to ensure that wouldn’t happen, as to maximize the positive effects of this gift.

He got out of his chair and walked over to the fume hood, putting on his protective gear before opening the chemical cabinet. He could make this work.

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The builder opened the door to the research center right as Qi looked over from his shelves.

“How far off am I?” they said with a smile.

“About 2 minutes. Usually you come in around 8:33.”

“That’s still within 1%, I guess. I’ll shoot for 8:33 on the dot next time.”

“Well don’t do that, you’ll pollute the data. All of my predictions are based on your natural behavior. Trying to skew the data in any direction is bad science.”

“Hm. Wouldn’t want that, would we?” They pecked his cheek as he pulled them into a side-hug. They reached into their bag and pulled out a condensed power stone. “Need one of these?”

Qi’s eyes widened. “I do, as a matter of fact. Thank you.” He graciously took it and put it in his dwindling supply bin. “How do you know precisely when I need more?”

The builder grinned. “Hey, you keep track of my habits, I keep track of yours. Your bin over there always looks kinda empty by the 15th every month. More or less.”

“Quite accurate. I receive a regular shipment of power stones on the 17th of every month. I try to space out my usage of them, but sometimes I really need a few extra towards the middle of the month. So, I do appreciate it.”

The builder pumped their fist. Nailed it. “I’ll keep bringing you more, then. Hell, I’ll give you a whole box full of them. I barely use them with how many dregs I can sweep up.”

Qi waved a hand. “No need. My energy supply is subsidized by the Alliance. Just a few when I really need them is more than enough.”

“Well, if you need any, just ask. I’ve got plenty to go ‘round.”

A tiny smile tugged at Qi’s lips. “I’ll keep that in mind.” His brow raised suddenly. “Oh! That reminds me. I have something for you.” He made his way over another small, locked cabinet.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Nothing in particular. I just…figured I should give you something besides a diagram and tea every once in a while. You’re always giving me things and I hardly ever return the favor.”

The builder flushed. “Aw, you didn’t have to…”

“I insist,” Qi said gently. “I don’t want your goodwill to be met with relative indifference.”

From the cabinet, he produced a simple glass vial with a screw-on lid. Some kind of clear liquid was inside. A label ran across the vial’s middle: “H2SO4”.

“Here you are. I, um…hope it is acceptable.”

The builder gingerly took it and turned it over. “Uh, thanks…! What…what is it?”

Qi raised an eyebrow. “Huh? It’s labeled, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but…what does it mean? Some kind of chemical?”

“Of course. That’s the chemical formula for sulfuric acid. Because the contents are sulfuric acid.”

The builder was suddenly very aware of the sweat and oil on their hands. “Huh–uh…whaa?”

“I struggled a bit with what concentration I should’ve created,” Qi said with a hand on his chin. “99% is the most commonly sold, but it seemed a bit excessive and dangerous to hand out without much thought. Plus, it’s rather expensive. I would have to order some more if I gave you some, and I’m already close to running my budget over this month.”

The builder gripped the vial tighter. Or wait—it was glass. Maybe they shouldn’t be holding it so tight.

“But on the other hand, something between 0-30% seemed, er, for the lack of a better term…lame. You are not a child. You can be trusted to handle hazardous substances to some extent. At least, I do. And as a well-trained lab technician, my judgment overrules any potential nay-sayers to your competence. I cannot say the same for many of my former assistants.”

The builder glanced around nervously. Was there anywhere to set this down? Qi’s shelves were landslide hazards, so not there…

“I remembered to rule out 50% as well. And any other basic, well-known ratio or number.  Something like that would seem so thoughtless. Anyone could think up those numbers. And anyone can mix a 50% solution! So no 5s or 10s, no squares or cubes, no thirds, no quarters,  no…immaturity…”

The floor was definitely out of the question. They’d 100% kick it over at some point. Ugh, all this talk of percents…

“But after about an hour just staring at my glassware, I had an epiphany. Primes! Fascinating numbers, those. I’m sure you appreciate their beauty as well. A perfect fit for a gift to you.”

Holding the vial out a good bit in front of them, they tiptoed around Qi to gently put it down on a corner of his workbench. Then they pushed it in a little more. And then a little more.

“So I settled on precisely 43%. No more, no less. I hope that concentration’s alright. If you’d like a different one, I would be more than happy to mix another solution for you.”

The builder’s mouth opened and closed uselessly, trying to put out words while their mind still couldn’t conjure a coherent thought.

Qi frowned. “Are you alright? You seem…ill all of a sudden.”

The builder could only let out a shaky laugh. They took a deep breath, trying to find the best way to say it. “Qi…sweetheart… I can tell you put a lot of thought into this, and it’s super sweet of you…but…”

Qi’s shoulders sagged. “Ah. I was afraid of this.”

The builder quickly shook their head. “I-it’s not like I don’t appreciate it! It’s just…um…I don’t know what I’d do with sulfuric acid…”

“I…have a book that could give you some ideas…”

They raised an eyebrow. “A book?”

“Yes, it’s a book about potential uses for sulfuric acid. Emphasis on potential.”

“…Is that where you got the idea to give some to me?”

Qi was looking anywhere but the builder. The floor, the generator, the shelves, the trash can…

“Qi?”

“…Yes.”

“…Can I see it?”

Qi nodded and pulled it from the back corner of his workbench, hesitating before handing it over to them.

The builder frowned as they skimmed through it, looking at all the weird things the authors apparently thought you could do with a liquid corrosion hazard. When they got to the last several pages, they snorted.

“Qi, the 1000th idea they have is to pour acid all over this book. I don’t think it was meant to be taken too seriously.”

“Oh,” Qi said with a blank stare. “So the authors wrote this book to…lie?”

“I think it’s meant to be humor writing, darling.”

“Well I don’t think it’s funny.”

The builder rolled their eyes with a light smile. “Wonder if anyone does.”

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The next day, another book found its way to Qi’s special bin. A very special bin for very special books, tucked under his bed. Not too many titles found their way there, but now the scant few volumes were joined by a new addition: 1000 Things to Do with Sulfuric Acid. It was sporting a new addition to its cover to match its new neighbors: a stripe of duct tape all around the center, to prevent it from ever being opened again.

And on it, scrawled in bold black marker, a single word: “RUBBISH.”