#or victim blames anyone abused by a cishet man because 'what did you expect from being in a relationship with him'

[gay-otlc]

Actually I think we should talk about how incredibly fucked up it is for sapphic women to say shit like "I'm no better than a straight man 😔" when attracted to a woman in a way that isn't 100% pure and wholesome, or act like men's attraction to women is inherently dirty, predatory, or objectifying.

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

listen people, bisexuals face people telling them to ‘pick a side’ and ‘it’s a phase’ or ‘but you’ve never been with ____ how can you be sure you’re not straight?’ and ‘this is an attention thing, right?’, and those gross straight couples asking for threesomes or telling you they think you liking the same gender is HOT (bc they’re imagining something clearly sexual)... 

or worse, when the gay community accuses them of straight passing privilege, only accept same-gender relationships, ask if maybe bi/pan means ‘can’t commit’, lesbians talking about how they could never date a girl who’d had a male lover and gay dudes saying similar shit about bi dudes, everyone saying bi peeps cheat more than usual, etc.

pan people get this shit too, + those stupid ‘so you think this frying pan is hot, right?’, and there’s always that one person who starts stringing random things together as a hypothetial ‘could you like this type of person’ in an incredulous tone, (e.g. as if say, an asian-american disabled, neurodivergent bi  non-binary person was some long, ridiculous joke and not, say, a percentage of the population that exists)... 

bi and pan are seen as inherently sexual, wrong, aberrations, etc.  it’s either going to get condemned, or treated like a fetish, or a (ugh) ‘challenge’ (where either a gay or straight individual tries to ‘fix’ the bi/pan person into confirming gay or straight status), etc.

however, the other side of the triangle of invisible sexualities that gets a lot of shit from both sides, gay and straight, are the aces.

the thing is, if the other two are seen as oversexual and treated like shit for it... then the aces have the opposite problem; everyone is on their case about being (for lack of a better term) undersexual.

maybe it’s because people can’t quite come at this idea, considering the hypersexualisation of the world we live in today; where a little boy and girl interacting is seen as romantic, and the word gay/lesbian/bi/pan is not a label, but some sort of hush-hush lewd code word. 

people who thought 50shites was hot, despite the intensely abusive and rape-apologist overtones blatantly plastered throughout the book, will lose their minds if anyone so much as thinks about being non-hetero or non-cis in their general vicinity. Everyone who falls under LGBPTA+ knows that feel, has heard hate from these people... and yet, a lot of LG like to perpetuate similar ideologies towards the B,P, T &A parts of the community (and, it must be said, also towards non-white/POC L & G members -not to mention any members who are disabled, for which additional stigma is involved). 

bi and pan get the ‘pick a side’, ‘you’re tainted by the opposite gender relationships you’ve had’ and ‘just admit you’re gay’ / ‘you’re lying to cover up being a whore’ style of things.

aces get ‘you’re not oppressed’/ ‘not part of the community’. but the thing is, people treat them just as badly, in a different way to that which the rest of the community experiences.

lesbians deal with men fetishising them, and any intimacy is seen as sinful/lewd/an invitation for straight guys to request threesomes or fantasise about them. gay men deal with the fetishisation of their real-life relationships by (especially recently) straight girls, who project their fantasies about fictional characters, onto them and attribute traits to fit.  Aces, of all orientations, deal with people assuming they’re just waiting to be ‘fixed’, or they’re ‘nervous’/ ‘shy’ / ‘inexperienced’ and need someone who knows how to fuck, to show them the way. they are treated as broken, especially by the medical profession; therapists and doctors consider lack of desire in intimacy to be a sign that there is something wrong.

some just assume that if they sleep with someone, they’ll learn to like it eventually, and that can lead to all sorts of mental health concerns later on; because not everyone is told the term. especially as, when stated before, the world is very focused on sexuality...

people like to use a simplified version of maslow’s hierarchy to say ‘but sex is a basic need’. mate, nah, the reality is that argument has been misconstrued by utilising information based on wanna-fuck-my-mother-dudebroFreud’s nonsense, and he’s been (fucking finally) discredited as a whackjob...

the real maslow’s hierarchy e.g.

states that the basic NEEDS of a human being pertain to physical needs, and the safety in which one can obtain them. Intimacy is on there, a few tiers up, but the reality is that can mean basic socialisation, being able to hug a friend, having family to talk to, etc. 

Aces come in many forms. some are aromantic (experience no romantic attraction at all), some are asexual (no sexual attraction) and some are both. asexuals can be romantically attracted; e.g. biromantic asexual, but this is not a generalisation. ask the ace, if uncertain, they can tell you their preferences.

some asexuals have partners, some choose not to bc that’s not necessary to fulfil them as a person... some are sex positive, others are not. some don’t mind doing certain things with a partner, others do. aces are as individualistic as the rest of the lgbpta+ community, and the human race. never assume.

but to boil the argument down... they face stigma. they are seen as just as wrong/weird/incorrect/to be fixed as the rest of us. 

you’ve heard the stupid things people say:

lesbian? you probably have daddy issues, you just need some dick to put you on the right track/who hurt you that scared you off men? Dyke, c***, etc. gay? no father figure/pushy mother figure, need a good woman and to toughen up! you just need to meet the right gal! Fairy, freak, etc. bi? that’s hot!!! u wanna have a threesome?/there’s no such thing, you’re just doing it for attention/can’t commit to being gay! Whore! pan? so you like kitchenware?/there’s no such thing as ‘all genders’, you’re a slut and using cut labels to cover it up, cheater, pretending trans? depending on orientation, one parent is blamed for being the wrong influence, you’re told it’s the influence of something (tv/media/etc), freak/etc. ace? well you’re just being silly, everyone needs sex! how can you not look at (person) and not wanna fuck ‘em??? frigid, liar, broken, etc.

-

maybe it’s because humans are naturally egocentric (we’re supposed to grow out of it by age 8-10 according to Piaget) but apparently that hasn’t happened for some people... which means, we experience life through our own lens, our own understanding, which is what we consider ‘normal’. E.g. it is why there is such a vast difference between opinions from say, a rich man, and that of someone below the poverty line. Because their ‘normal’ is based on their worldview, their experience.

If you grow up with your parent working four jobs, knowing frugality and sometimes hunger, you will be inclined to understand that life is hard; but to work hard is to succeed. To be born rich, and never want, to be awarded things at the merest whim... that teaches nothing but the idea that you deserve such things, that those who have yet to achieve wealth or stability, are not trying hard enough. Etc.

And when you mix the predominant personal understanding, the worldview, with that of what society considers normal; then you get this population-wide concept of normality, a definition that doesn’t represent many populations within the whole, but a vast majority. The ones with the loudest voices.

E.g. social norms are defined by -socioeconomic factors, culture, gender roles and adherence (flaunted/enforced), predominant ideologies (political/religious), attitudes, resilience, etc.

Basically, in modern society the idea has placed being (cishet)/straight as synonymous with ‘normal’. It has placed the idea of the world being male-centric, as normal, and added male power fantasies as the ideal physical physique for men (even though they are nearly as impossible to achieve as the ‘standards of beauty’ are for women). It creates the concept that glass ceilings and sexism in the workplace are ‘to be expected’; that men being sexual being is an inherent genetic trait (so if they assault someone, then what did the victim do to provoke it?). Society puts emphasis on sexuality, but shames women for taking up on it/shames men for not being all that inclined towards it. Mocks anyone who realises they are not heterosexual as being incorrect or wrong, something to be destroyed or fixed... in any way possible.  It is the reason why people assume that lesbians and bi/pan f/f couples exist solely as a porn category, and can’t be taken seriously in real life. How can two women like each other? How do they *lowers voice* you know... without a man? there is such an inherent focus on them as sexual objects, not people... not two people together, and more a living thing some creep can jack off to. [seriously, the amount of articles about the wonder woman movie implying the amazons were sexless considering the island had no men... was very tellingly hetero tbh]  the audacity of guys who feel that “can i watch?” is an appropriate question, and that two ladies holding hands is an invitation to imagine them fucking...

and similarly, gay men are considered an aberration. especially anyone who identifies as a ‘bottom’, because that’s somehow entirely emasculating, and weak... to straight guys. associating the role with ‘being the woman’ perplexingly enough. they are ‘the gay best friend’ who has to fit a certain role or the heterogirls who pick up with them for the sole purpose of having a token gay bro... will destroy them. or worse, they are fetishised by those same girls. or people automatically assuming that gay men are child molesters, even though the metric fucktonne of people who actually prey on kids are straight guys in positions of power (the very priests who condemn the gay, ironically)...

bi and pan peeps are called whores, called indecisive, told to pick a side, told they’re tainted. asked if they wanted to be in on threesomes, etc. as if they weren’t people, but living, breathing fetishes that will be 100% on board and dtf with anyone who makes a lewd suggestion...

and aces, they deal with society asking why they are broken. women are not performing ‘their function’ if they don’t want to partner up and have kids; men are seen as defective somehow if they aren’t interested in sex, even vaguely. people always offer to fix them in some vulgar way, or tell them they’ll meet the right person... and yet, fail to comprehend reality that these people are fully functioning human beings in their own right. happy and whole, without needing to be sexual.  -are they ABLE to have sex?  if that’s a question of biology, then likely yes (although some people cannot, but that does not often have bearing on sexuality in most cases) but if they don’t have the inclination or do not want to, or are repulsed by it, that’s got shit-all to do with you, buddy.  -what if they do it with their partner every so often? well, that’s their choice. some aces are sex positive, and are okay with doing certain things with their partners. though not all, and it is a continuous conversation between these people... also none of your business. -but what if their partner wants sex, won’t they leave? be pretty shithouse to leave just for that. most people could just have some alone time, rather than say, pressuring someone who doesn’t want to do something, into doing it, for their own gratification.  -so what if the ace masturbates? this actually seems to be brought up in aphobic posts a lot (why are you all so focused on this) but like... they can do that if it works for them and they like it? who are you, the jerk-it police? in all actuality, beating your meat releases certain neurochemicals that have a positive effect on a person physiologically... and there is a significant difference between self-pleasure and anything relating to having a secondary person involved. it is not indicative of anything. -so it’s like celibacy? nah. celibacy is “I will not go for a swim bc (belief)” and ace is (in general) “I am not a huge fan of swimming”. [Can also be “I might dip my toes in when by myself” or “If my partner feels like swimming and I’ve had a good day, I might do it too. I’m not a huge fan, but I am happy to swim with them, to make them happy.”] -so, they’re like, childish and innocent? ah, one of you. there are people out there who latch onto childish, innocent characters and decide they portray the best example of asexuality. but the reality is no, they don’t. in fact, that’s a harmful stereotype right there. asexuals, aromantics, they’re just people. your librarian, a wrestler, the most vulgar bloke down the docks, a person in your uni class right now... it changes nothing about the fact they’re an individual human being.  -isn’t sex a basic need? no. scroll up, you post-skimming motherfucker.  -so what defines ace? "a lack of sexual attraction to any gender”

-but what if i’m great in bed, can i fix them? ...that’s not how it works. that’s not how any of this works. stay right there, i’m coming to explain this in person, with my army of murderbirb cassowaries. don’t ever tell an ace person you can ‘fix them’

-is there a chance that sometimes their asexuality can be related to trauma? that is a big question, really. some people of all orientations, when the victim of significant trauma (esp. sexual, or familial -e.g. destroys ability to form intimacy bonds) can experience a lack of attraction. lack of sexual desire  can be a side effect of certain mental illnesses and/or medications... but it’s important to note that a) the person may have been ace first, b) in the case of med/mh this person can identify as something else (e.g. pan), and most importantly c) it’s not your place to question someone who identifies as Ace.

Please ask an asexual directly for more specific, and informative answers, there are fantastic posts on this site about the topic please look for them. 

[Also, this post uses men and women frequently, but does not mean to erase the experiences of nonbinary persons, there is simply a lot of additional stigma attached that may stray the topic. Men and Women refers to both cis and trans under these circumstances, btw.]

- - - 

In short, everyone who falls under LGBPTA+ faces a lot of shit from people outside the community, and even inside it as well. The stigma facing each particular population (and the subgroups within that include considerations of race, ability, neurodivergence, cultural and religious ideologies, etc) has unique aspects, but still maintains the singular reality that people who are not what you are, hate you for being born this way.

From the hypersexualisation of the LGBP (and T, the fetishisation never ends), is just as devastating, demoralising and harmful as the stereotypes and stigma facing the aces.

We all get “It’s a phase” and “You’re Going to Hell” lobbed at us by someone.

There’s always someone who feels they can ‘fix us’ into being straight, cis, sexual. 

Our labels find their way onto porn sites, and suddenly you can’t even whisper your orientation to the wind without someone assuming your existence is shameful, lewd or ‘hot’. 

And hey, that’s not okay.

We’ve gotta band together here, protect everyone under the umbrella. Unite to form some sort of fucking Captain Rainbow using the power of the LGBPTA+...

Stop fucking telling heteroromantic aces or bi/pan people in opposite-gender relationship they’re straight and to kill themselves.  Can’t you see that’s perpetuating the hate used against the rest of the community?

If we fight, then the people who would rather see us dead and buried are half-way to victory. So enough with the discourse. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Pan, Trans, Ace, and anyone who fits more than one of those categories... they exist, and they have a place in the community. 

United Front, people.