#or make more not during pride month I am not restricted to a month lol

[tj-crochets]

It doesent have to be an actual quilt (as I wouldnt have the adquisitive power to buy it off you), but I'd love to hesr your thoughts on how you'd make a lesbian pride quilt!

(Also, whats your thought on microlabel flag requests, kindly?)

Hi! At this point, I am not making full pride quilts unless I have a person in mind to give them to (the progress pride quilt is for a specific one of my friends, for instance) but I can absolutely talk through how I'd make a pride quilt for pretty much any pride flag The lesbian pride flag has so many variants that I'd need to know which version the person I'm making it for wants, and if it's the shades of pink or the pink and orange one, it would be very difficult for me to make a quilt of, because some of the colors are extremely close to each other. I wouldn't be able to just go with stash fabric, I'd need to buy fabric specifically for it, and that would probably require using solid color fabrics in order to get colors that close but distinct. It is entirely possible, and if you let me know which version of the flag you have in mind I can go into more detail? I'm not 100% sure what you mean by microlabel, but going by what the phrase looks like, I'm totally fine with microlabel flag requests! I make no guarantees about what I will or will not make (partially because I never know for sure what I will or will not make) but I usually learn about at least one new (to me) pride flag every pride month and I am delighted to do so. If the flag you are requesting is less common, or (like the lesbian pride flag) has a lot of different variants, it does help me a lot if you either include a picture or a description of the flag so I know which one you mean

[b-elizabeth-not-brassica]

Lol I am so fucking high and reading fanfic as I’m typing all of this lol

my alt account tells not a lie.

My new roommate is also autistic and queer and we’re both pretty chill and I bought them a bus pass so they could get around their new connected cities around them and I watched Coco for the first time because it’s Jade’s favorite movie and they wanted to try out my projector. So we had movie night. And we’ve had art day with everyone available in the attic art studio before, and 4 of us went to the Ren Faire, the kids all for the first time and I drove and paid for their tickets (I paid for reduced price children’s tickets, aged 12 I know yes but also only $13 compared to mines $36 idc and the ticket person did not care either thankfully)

It’s been busy since June and I met these kids my god

I isolated at home for 3 years due to Covid and was then forced to go into the office 2 days a week or quit and so I said, okay, but then I’m not going to isolate anymore. If capitalism requires me to participate in activities that can make me ill, I’m going to enjoy social activities as well. So I’ve packed my calendar since the day they forced me into the office, literally during Pride month, so fucking rude of them. So I’ve packed my social calendar for the first time like ever this year as a queer adult!!!!

I have had so much fun!!! Met so many amazing people! Some for only a little while, an Instagram follows worth, but some recurring and hopefully lifelong friends I am hoping and working and showing up for! Friendship requires showing up sometimes! Being social in public! It’s a hard lesson I’ve learned! But I’m clinging to my in person friends as hard as I can by showing up to events and talking to them and sometimes messaging them. If anything, I really try to befriend the organizer and ask how I can support them, or just try to support them by showing up when I can as much as I can with money to donate or use to buy stuff when I can.

Anyway, back to reading fanfic

I might as well keep reading it

But

If you haven’t gotten hit by Bruce’s curse yet, flee

Save yourselves

There’s nothing you can do for me

I can’t send them back to their parents unsupportive and restrictive and emotionally abusive household. Not when they messaged me one day, weeks after I offered my spare bedroom as an alternative to them staying in Ohio in a homeless shelter while looking for housing in Ohio so they could continue to stay near their girlfriend because they didn’t want to come home to IL to their mom and step dads house.

Weeks later after I offered and they agreed to come home but needed help with that and I paid for their return greyhound bus ticket home and they went back to their small town and then weeks later, messaged me, asking if my offer of my spare bedroom was still on the table.

Having to pay for more groceries and maybe increased internet and water is a small price for me to pay so they don’t have to stay there or decide to live in a homeless shelter as a trans teen, and have more opportunities in a slightly bigger city with a bus actually.

Jade took the bus today for the first time with their new bus pass! They are absolutely thrilled!

So yeah

Anyways

Save yourself

You can’t help me

I’m in too deep

4 new queer siblings deep to be precise

I do not have a manor tho

I wish I did

I’m looking into bigger cars tho

Mine fits exactly all 5 of us and it’s squished when everyone is available to go to an event.

Oh god

Everyone stop reading I swear to fucking god

This shit is contagious

I’m telling you

I didn’t have children in June.

I started reading this fandoms in April I think

I made this side blog in April I think omg

I now have 5 children

Oh god

Istg

My spare bed is filled

I have a roommate now

My very new friend, an 18 yr old queer trans teenager, who was living at home, looking for a job and trying to just find a way out of a rural town.

My other 4 queer 18 year old new friends that I met that the local queer gathering. All newly graduated and one delayed due to covid and looking for jobs.

I would describe it as more like new adopted siblings but.

Literally.

And the others that don’t live with me I support as they need, sometimes with grocery help or I invite them to queer events, picnics, free closet pop ups that I was already going to that I can pick them up for.

I met them and became their queer older sibling.

I swear

Due to this fandom

I mean, i met some of these kids at a local price picnic in June, they added me on discord, one of them invited us all to walk in the Pride parade together. Parker’s homophobic mom drove us all to Chicago because she wanted to leverage us government political wise even tho she’s a raging transphobe and deadnamed Parker all day and we all loudly said Parker’s name all fucking day. We walked/road a float in the parade and I got to scream at a bigot with a microphone since I couldn’t scream at the one with me(!) on the way back to the car.

And I have a roommate now. My spare bed is filled.

I have children

I am child free

No baby

But I guess I didn’t expect adoption to sneak up on me

Wtf

So

Beware reading the adorable adoption fanfiction

it leads to

[vicea]

dream merch discord recap (june 12, 2021) - disclaimer: i may have missed some things or mistakenly heard other things, apologies in advanced for that!

he has not played the new minecraft update

dream “knows” the date george is coming to florida but he’s not saying it :p

dream doesn’t have anyone muted on twitter

dream guesses his favorite disney princess is belle

sapnap has seen dream’s feet before

he’s not actually connor’s dad in the dsmp lore

dreamnap do not have nicknames for each other D:

dream likes olives but especially black olives

his mother makes homemade pickles

he doesn’t have a phone case

he has dropped his phone from his ear onto concrete in the parking lot before and the screen didn’t crack

dream has six fingers /j

he pours cereal first not milk when making cereal

dream calls sapnap nick most of the time :D

what’s your dream car? “idk the one that gets me to point A to point B consistently”

he finally fixed his sleep schedule, woke up at 8 am today

mrbeast owes dream a tesla because he never sent dream the audio file

dream is a very analytical person - he thinks with numbers/data

creativity is one his strengths that he is the most proud of

3 to 4 years ago, dream used to say george looks like shawn mendes a lot, now he doesn’t resemble him as much

patches is currently sleeping <3

swimming is very relaxing to dream, he swam the other day!

many houses in florida have pools than other places, even the cheapest houses in orlando have pools

dream has merchendise defects (misprints on merch) + milestone merch and he wants to give them away to those who live in orlando (probably to anyone but the event will be held in orlando) though he doesn’t want it to be a covid super-spreader thing so once you pick up your item you gotta dip. just all an idea though

he has been donating them to charity too though :)

dream has likely read Heroes of Olympus before a long time ago

he says that he’ll do a give away of his childhood books with his signature on it

he was obsessed with the series (Percy Jackson) 

he really liked the Alex Rider series

has all of Maximum Ride books, 39 clues books

has read the legend series, the twilight series, and the maze runner

has all/read of the harry potter books, divergent, eragon

he would read all the time, to the point he would read more than one book a day (a book worm he says)

dream had a goal to read 200 books in a year and he wind up reading about 150

he doesn’t want to call it a library but- growing up he had something like that that had 600 or 700 or more books in it (privileged he admits it)

he has not read a book since he started youtube (about 2 years)

dream has a folder called Book that has his own writing in it

word count: 76000 words for one of his stories 

another one he wrote 5 chapters of

he sounds very excited/embarrassed talking about the stories he wrote he’s so endearing

the very first paragraph of one of his stories (he was young when he wrote this) “What exactly is darkness? is it the lack of light? is it a pit of nothingness? ... your mind is full of darkness...” then he couldn’t continue.

the story is about a kid who wakes up in a cell and has no idea where he is with other people who are in the same situation

dream has a world building document

he has a sequel to the first book he has ever written

he found a query letter that he wrote because he wanted to get his book published- he finds it very funny

he’s calling himself a nerd but idk it’s kind of endearing

“as you can tell i’ve always been incredibly cool and not a nerd at all! ever.”

he cringes at his own old videos

dream took a lot of inspiration from witches and wizards by james patterson for writing

the story is written in a way where the main character is actually writing the story so you’re getting input from the main character during it. there’s a lot of sarcasm in it and it’s making dream laugh

very first person narrator

he feels like it’d be very cool if he were to publish his works he wrote when he was 16 on amazon or something but he probably never would because he’d have to read through all of it and it’s just embarrassing for him

dream used to video call sapnap fairly frequently- even before youtube

he strictly remembers, a very long time (at least 7 to 9 years) ago he was at his old childhood house he video called sapnap. he was wearing a (technically) suit and he remembers specifically that he was giving sap a tour... 

“snazzy in a suit”

he had no reason to put on the suit (wow time is a flat circle huh)

drista is pretty close to sapnap’s height, she’s like 5′7″ but sap is still taller than her

dream filmed the whole thing when he and sapnap met but... it’s... gone because when he was clipping that one clip for twitter... it edited the whole video

he’s sure when they meet up with george they will film that too :D

DREAM IS PRETTY SURE THAT HE AND GEORGE WILL MEET THIS YEAR-- HE SAYS A 95% CERTAINTITY the five percent is like either restrictions or visa issues

dream does not play any instruments but he had a guitar hanging on his wall when he was younger...

dream is convinced they’re the same height but also sapnap is probably taller??

they had george compare his height to a door frame and dreamnap were googling for any doorframes to find any possible chance that george is taller than 5′8″ ... nothing came up

there’s a chance they’re both lying about being 5′8″

sap and george will literally just show up in stilts to prove they’re taller than each other /j

dream without shoes is between 6′2″ and 6′3″ with shoes he’s 6′3.5″

dream is talking about awesamdude’s fake height arc again LOL

dreamnap are very private people so they don’t bother each other but george doesn’t care and would just barge into their rooms and start bothering them- they were all joking about that over a voice call

he will visit europe

he thinks that greece would be a cool place to visit because sapnap’s family is from there :) so it’ll be like a nice “treat” to go back with sap :D

dream isn’t entirely sure that the dream team meet up will happen this year but he’s working out the details because he wants to make sure it’s safe

he’s talking to youtube about his face reveal

it’s up to george if he wants to eat healthy when they finally move in

dream just has a lot of meat and vegetables in his house

spinach with chicken is good

not much fruit (only apples and tomatoes)

“DRISTA IS 5″ is trending on twitter LOL (her height got cut off)

dream doesn’t want people flying to different places because he doesn’t want to encourage travel so he wants to do all of the meet ups with a two day heads up at most

he thinks that it’s awesome that ranboo and tubbo are meeting soon !! :D

it’s very cool to dream to see how far everyone’s has come since the beginning of the dsmp. everyone has done so much

dream finalized his youtube plan a couple weeks before he uploaded his video and he was talking to drista about how he was gonna be a big youtuber in a parking lot :”)

she was the first person he really ever talked to about it

dream would love to teach george how to drive it’d be really funny :D (a very good video or a livestream idea) 

dream knows how to ride a bike, he used to have to bike to school

he can’t explain dnf.gay he has no clue he is not responsible. sapnap was the one who found it LOL. he is adamantly exclaiming that it was not him

dream doesn’t worry about views/likes/dislikes a lot- mainly views but that’s for the new uploads

he hasn’t uploaded in like a month and a half (*cries*)

he wants to stream at some point but he doesn’t know when 

he wants to play geoguessr but not now... he doesn’t want to alt stream rn- maybe tomorrow!

he is insisting that the splash text on his minecraft home screen is by callahan

he asked callahan to send him bunch of text files that are dream team related so that the splash can rotate through it but callahan thought it was funny (it is) to put only dreamnotfound <3 so it doesn’t ever change at all and dream doesn’t even know how to change and he has asked callahan to change it but he said no (even though dream pays him LMAO)

the video referenced in the padilla’s video is still in the works, it might be handed over to sapnap though !

he has no idea if he will be in MCC pride yet

padilla got dream’s input for the video, dream found him to be a very nice guy ! :) it’s the first interview that dream did that wasn’t by a person with a negative opinion of dream

dream felt relaxed doing the interview with padilla 

?????? he’s blaming callahan for his “dnfisreal” nickname in bedwars 

he’s blaming callahan for a lot of dnf-related stuff

callahan runs the dream fanart account thus the liking of dnf content

he’s so insistent that it was callahan

dream admits that he was lying about the twitter and other stuff but for sure callahan did code the splash text in LOL

dream liking that tweet “the chances of george doing a hot tub stream is the same of dnf dating” was “funny” he wasnt trying to do any commentary...

the inside joke of “oh it’s all just a joke to you” originates from george and sapnap actually always fighting (like them yelling and shouting at each other) and george said something really mean and sapnap was hurt then geroge said “it was just a joke” and sapnap replied with that line and ever since then it’s been a meme LOL

he says that everyone does the hand-on-the-passenger-seat-while-reversing thing

dream is offline raiding with his chat with 6k people

dream appreciates us and will talk to us soon! 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

[tamrakg]

I’ve been thinking about writing a post specifically about my life with agoraphobia for a while now. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been planning it out in my mind but just couldn’t really come up with a good way to describe agoraphobia from a personal point of view. I have a ton of medical and scientific definitions/descriptions, but how do I describe it personally? I can describe it, yes, because I live with it, but I just want to be able to make the reader truly understand what it is like.

Oh, well, I’ll stop worrying about specific words and just dive in.

I’ve had social anxiety my entire life. Really, I was born anxious! However, it wasn’t until my 8th grade year that I first presented with agoraphobic tendencies. I ditched school, a lot. You see, no one was home during the day and I was usually the last to leave in the morning ( I walked myself to school) so I knew if I didn’t leave and go to school no one would know I was home alone all day. It was glorious. I was alone, I was invisible, I did not have to interact with people, I did not have to feel the anxiety (worry, profound discomfort, embarrassment, fear, etc.), I didn’t have to feel these things because I simply stayed in the comfort of my own hide-out, my home. This lasted for I think 3 months before the school caught on to my forged notes and notified my mother. I had been ditching a couple days a week for several weeks, if I remember correctly. Once my mom found out and confronted me I straightened up and went to school as required for the rest of the year. It was difficult, I was miserable, but I knew what I had been doing wasn’t good, I knew it wasn’t healthy on many levels, I didn’t know the depth or totality of my problem (agoraphobia and social anxiety) but I knew I had to act like I was fine, I had to buck up and do what needed doing. So I did.

Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder. People with agoraphobia tend to avoid open, crowded, and public places and situations that make them feel trapped, helpless, or embarrassed.

The word agoraphobia comes from the Greek ‘agora’. Agoraphobia translated means “fear of the marketplace”.

For most agoraphobics the issue is coupled and fed by social anxiety (anxiety brought on by social interaction and situations).

Agoraphobia is often described in “phobia lists” as the fear of open spaces or fear of places hard to escape. Agoraphobics often find it difficult to leave their home (the idea of going out into the world, out in public, induces severe anxiety).

Many of the places agoraphobics experience the highest amount of anxiety are places like public transit, malls or similar places, theaters, and places where help would be hard to get if something bad happened (wilderness, etc.).

Many agoraphobics find they experience less anxiety ‘out in the world’ if they take with them a ‘security blanket’. I was surprised when I learned about this common coping mechanism for agoraphobia because I had naturally latched on to my ‘security blankets’ already. I find it very difficult to be out in the world without either my husband or my mother with me. I stick to them like glue when I’m out in public. This security blanket does not have to be a human being, many agoraphobics have pets or inanimate objects (a favorite blanket, jacket, trinket, toy, etc.) with them for coping tools.

Agoraphobia, like all anxiety disorders, tends to have its ups and downs. After the 8th grade, for many years I didn’t even know I had agoraphobia. I was a home-body, that’s for sure, but although if given the choice I’d rather stay home, I didn’t think I had any difficulty in leaving my home. I worked in customer service for over 15 years and although I hated it, I didn’t usually have any issue with social interaction that I’d describe as unhealthy. Yes, I had a lot of anxiety I dealt with, I called out of work more often than I should have. I even had a nervous breakdown once that was related to my social anxiety.

And then there was the fact that I couldn’t stick with college partially because of the classes required for my degree that weren’t available online. I just could no longer cope with classroom settings. And especially with group projects, presentations, and anything at all remotely social. there are many reasons not related to agoraphobia and social anxiety that kept me from getting a degree (financial mostly), but the anxiety was a big part.

And then things got worse.

My health declined to the point where I ended up having major heart surgery, a triple bypass. During my recovery I stayed at home a lot due to energy issues. For some reason the staying at home more led me to be more reluctant to leave home. I felt safe and comfortable there and convinced myself it was perfectly OK to do so. I worried a bit about my mental health when I even often resisted leaving home to go have fun with friends.

Things only got worse when immediately following my heart surgery recovery I began a year long journey consisting of four eye surgeries, with very restrictive recoveries in between each. So it was more staying at home, which was fine with me because I loved being home. I did have a job during the heart surgery time and eye surgeries. Obviously I missed a lot of work because of recovery times. I ended up leaving my job because I felt terrible about all the medical leave I had to take, and I had no idea how long this was going to continue for. Having to make the decision to leave my job triggered a depression and strong guilty anxiety which I’m sure fed my ever growing agoraphobia.

I used to have gorgeous eyes. They were big, hazel, with thick and long lashes I never needed mascara for. After my four eye surgeries on my right eye, I noticed the eye was smaller and sunken in which made my eyelid look droopy. I felt ugly. I felt like my once gorgeous eyes were forever ruined. Now, I’m not the kind of person to worry or care about what other people think about my appearance. But I have always had a kind of pride over my beautiful eyes. So I sunk into a deeper depression, and I felt overwhelming anxiety over being seen in public.

Before eye surgeries

After eye surgeries

“People will judge me. They’ll stare at my droopy eye.” I don’t care! Why am I anxious over this stupid stuff!

This is why phobias are called irrational fears. Because they make no sense! They are overreactions to stupid meaningless things!

But we can’t help it. We don’t choose to react this way, to think and feel these things. But we try to cope with it, to control it and move on.

From here on out the agoraphobia won the higher ground and ran rampant. To this day (over 4 years since the heart surgery) I only leave my house if I have no choice (doctor appointments). Sometimes I am able and willing to leave if my mom invites me to join her for a day of shopping/running errands. I’m able to do that because, as I stated earlier, she is one of my two security blankets. Also, I still hang out with friends and go to parties sometimes, as long as my hubby is with me.

People often point out that I’m never not stuck to him like glue when we go to parties/gatherings, etc.. Agoraphobia is why.

I never got another job after I left the one for medical reasons. I’ve tried to get jobs since, but haven’t gotten picked up, yet. I’ve only applied at my hubby’s work…because he’s my security blanket and I’d be able to handle working there with him around.

I don’t qualify for disability… not that I’d want to have that label, anyway.

I had a fairly big agoraphobia flare up this past week. With all the holidays, I guess, and going places to celebrate (always with my hubby to hang on to) it just wore me down. the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve I was moody, grumpy, and anxious. We had planned for nearly a month to go to a party hosted by a friend for New Year’s Eve. A day or so before the party I became so overwhelmed with anxiety I decided I didn’t want to go to the party. I felt guilty, and I did want to hang out with my friends, I just couldn’t deal with the idea of leaving my home, being crowded around people. And then there was the fact that my hubby wanted to drink and since I can not drive due to vision impairment he was my driver and I’d be trapped there if I wanted to come home early and he was still too drunk to drive. And on top of that no matter what I’d be stuck there until after midnight anyway because it’s a New Year’s Eve party and the whole point is to ring in the new year!

This is what we mean by the ‘fear of being trapped’ part of agoraphobia…

I’m happy to report that I did make it to the party, but I had gone back and forth and was super anxious about it all the way up until I pushed myself out the door to go! And as soon as midnight struck and we all cheered and hugged I was bugging hubby to “let’s go home”.

You see, even though I love my friends and had an absolutely wonderful time at the party, my agoraphobia and social anxiety make me anxious and want to ‘escape’ even happy, joyful,fun  experiences.                                                                                                                                                                  Yes, I’ve gone to therapy for depression, social anxiety, and agoraphobia. It helped, but I convinced myself a some point that I no longer needed it. I’m fine! I’ve got my shit together! I’m functioning just fine….

Well, truthfully, the depression is gone, and the social anxiety is under control, but the agoraphobia aspect of all of this is raging full throttle.

I’m good, though. All’s good. I’ve got my Facebook, twitter…..agoraphobia isn’t as bad a condition as it used to be since social media has come into existence.  LOL

Life With Agoraphobia

I’ve been thinking about writing a post specifically about my life with agoraphobia for a while now.

Life With Agoraphobia I've been thinking about writing a post specifically about my life with agoraphobia for a while now.

[cicelyrenee]

Beautiful people,

You may not know this about me, but I absolutely love art and black ballerinas. I remember as a child trying to dance in my bedroom after only one afterschool dance class and realized I did not have the talent! So I fell for the next best thing, loving black ballerinas.

I visited my aunt Julie’s home one day and she had this amazing picture of a simple sketch, it was a ballerina, it had no color but I truly believed she was black. I begged for that photo for years, and then one day she gave it to me. I had it posted on my wall in my room and it brought me so much peace, you know the peace when you watch a ballerina twirl, stretch and fly across the floor with such grace and beauty? Yes, that peace. Then one day, when I was living in Miami, during the recession, we lost our home and so many things that were in it and the painting was one of them.

Fast forward to about 8 years, this influx of black ballerina appreciation grew and Misty Copeland and the Alvin Ailey Dance Company plus many more names were the ones that reminded me of my love for black ballerinas. I would post on facebook, every time I saw a photo of a black ballerina or dancer and caption it, “I love Black Ballerinas!”

About four months ago, I was hired to cover an event and to blog about it. It was a paint and sip event from Buzzed Art Nite and the painting was a black ballerina/dancer. I WANTED IT. Literally, I asked to pay for it and everything. But due to some things, I couldn’t have that specific one. I found out who painted that specific one and had to have a little chat.

Josh Painted this based on the well-known artist Annie F. Lee. This was the painting for their fundraiser event.

He let me know that he would paint me my own black ballerina and I was too excited. I didn’t give him any details, I wanted it to be his creation because I could see this amazing talent and I am just like everyone needs to have an art piece by Josh Clay in their homes! Thus, the blog feature! My aunt Julie and I named her Bella-Grace

      Interview with Josh Clay

Tell me about who you are, where you are from, hobbies, passions, favorites etc.

I am from a Louisianan bred, Southern man/child of the earth, moved from New Orleans to LaPlace where I went to middle and high school. I played football for most of my life but always loved drawing and art, along with math and science. I am but would like to be more involved with physical fitness, I love to work out and believe deeply in self-improvement in mind, body, and soul.

When did you realize you had talent and how did you and your family go about cultivating your talent?

I realized my talent or my strong interest in art when I was in middle school and would find myself content with being alone in my room and just drawing, trying to replicate Dragon ball Z animation style, a little nerdy. As far as cultivating and developing in that area, my family never restricted it but never promoted it. I was constantly told that I should keep it more as a hobby and find something that will make a living but as of lately, seeing that it’s an area I want to deeply and whole-heartedly pursue, they are encouraging and, I feel, anxious to see what produces.

What is your favorite piece or performance? Why?

My favorite piece, I’d have to say, is the ballerina painting I did for Cicely Carr, not to sound cliché. The reason is because, for the longest, I’ve had a crippling reluctance into delving into color, especially selling. I’ve never seen myself on the business side of this field and to have even that success and opportunity was beyond words honestly.

Where do you get the most inspiration for your work?

A lot of my inspiration comes from music, dreams, personal emotion and working to depict it on canvas, observing and appreciating the beauty in the world, nature because in the era of development and technology, I feel it’s easy to take the nature, timeless beauty of earth for granted, poetry, run-on sentences lol. I try to draw inspiration from multiple sources to see where it pushes my creativity and broadens my perspective.

Have you taken any classes to perfect your skills and talents? Why or why not?

I went to college for graphic design and was fortunate enough to take a few art classes before I ran into some scheduling complications and FAFSA tom-foolery but at that time I was able to develop my skills through critique and exposure through different mediums. It definitely helped me to evolve and realize a passion.

What advice would you give someone who is new to your area if talent?

I would advise them that this is your life and whatever may come, no matter how difficult, be happy because you deserve it and you owe it to yourself. Time is our most precious asset and this world and people are filled with beauty and inspiration. Humility and pride will open so many doors for you, pride is not arrogance. Be true to yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. There is a lot more but I’m still learning more lessons every day.

Are there some difficulties in what you do? Care to share?

Difficulties I have is now that I am more established and have an apartment and bills and etc. I am not able to completely take advantage of creative sparks throughout the day and many times after of work, I’m either mentally drained or just not as inspired. It’s definitely some missed opportunities throughout the day but them bills gotsta be paid.

What new skill or technique would you love to learn and why?

There is so much I would love to learn from mixed media, watercolor, everything…literally, everything I can. I want to get better at creating more realistic faces and animals, mythical or realism. Graphic design, I have yet to even touch that area but I am excited about the challenge.

Anything else you would like to share, nuggets of wisdom, stories, memories etc.

I was talking with a friend of mine who’s about to make a pretty drastic life change, for the better, because complacency without satisfaction is a curse and reluctance is every present. We spoke on why she was afraid to take that step and just her mindset, trying to let her see that her step was the right on. During the conversation, I told her that fear is going to be a thing she will have to deal with and to use it to her advantage. Your own personal fear will tell you to do a few things, either you stay or you move. I told her “Instead of staying out of fear, to move out of fear because once you move, what can fear tell you”. She said “Nothing”, I replied, “Wrong, fear will tell you to move faster and to keep moving because once you get a taste of happiness and experience success in whatever your endeavor is, it’s the fear of losing it that will help drive you.” To me, embracing these powerful emotions; fear, sadness, joy, desire, are bountiful sources of potential inspiration and motivation to take next steps in our art and in life. I think that’s it, my attempt at trying to be deep

  Interested in purchasing prints of Bella-Grace, email us at info@bougieblackblogger.com to be the first to know when they are available. LIMITED Quantities!

For inquiries, please email Josh at captainjclay@gmail.com

Name: Joshua Clay aka Mr. Heatmeister aka J-Rite

Location: Dallas, TX

Website: Coming soon

Art Genre: Drawing, Painting, Illustrations, Tattoo Designs, and soon to be, Tattoo

Social Media Info: Facebook/josh.clay.547; Instagram: joshu_a_claythei & jc_designs1989

Some more of Josh Clay’s artwork

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  Josh Clay, Talented Artist, EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW HIS NAME Beautiful people, You may not know this about me, but I absolutely love art and black ballerinas.