#or as i was just saying really it's comorvidity-plus

[fursasaida]

i can hear a woman sobbing in the hallway/stairwell and it is heartrending. i really want to go ask if she needs help, but for a variety of reasons ranging from language to the spatial conventions of privacy (such as it is) in new york city i’m pretty sure the right thing to do is to leave her to it. but oh my god. i hate this whole period of time, i hate how awful it is for everyone, i hate the relentless suffering. i hate. this.

i was just looking at somebody’s blog to decide whether to follow them, and the first post was about having been to 10 funerals in 2 years. brazil and india are being fucking mowed down and nobody who could do a thing about it is going to. i know so many people who have dead family members or family members in danger of dying, not all from covid--it’s just like everybody who had a black star on the horizon, some illness or something that could kill them, had that star suddenly shoot overhead this year. not even the pets are spared. i have my own damn dead family member. the cops ramped up their ongoing constitutional murder spree for the chauvin trial and they are going to kill and injure and (re)traumatize so many fucking people this summer. i had to turn down my friend’s very sweet offer to come all the way out here to where i live so he could spend one of his iftars this ramadan with just me because i haven’t had my second shot yet and i can’t cognitively process what is “acceptable risk” in the in between stage. people still want to fight about vaccines. crypto is negating what little dents have been made in energy consumption and yet my friends in the group chat have (tiny amounts of) money in it and joke around about the shifting prices. i am staring down a frankly horrific 4-5 weeks of workload and a similarly insane 9 months starting in august, and at best i can hope for a 3-week break in between when until recently i thought i’d have almost two whole months. protest is being further criminalized in 34 states. denmark is expelling its syrian asylees and no one will do anything about that either. the two places i care most about in the world are drowning in layer after layer of misery in a way i’ve never seen, and i have no idea when or if i will ever be able to go back responsibly. i got an email today that may mean i won’t get the summer money i have the past two years, and i am too exhausted to even contemplate how i would go about finding out if it does mean that. fascist zionists are terrorizing east jerusalem.

due to some stuff i won’t go into detail about, i am feeling Alone in a way i really haven’t the whole pandemic until the last few weeks. and this is made worse because the burnout of having been producing writing and intelligent off-the-cuff comments and research plans literally nonstop since fall 2019 is manifesting as an increasing inability to communicate--i can tell that my writing and talking make less sense than they used to, and that people are not always understanding me.

i want my dad.