#or as i also like to call it 'the 했지 했지 song'

[jiyuu-na]

[가을방학 - 가을방학] autumn vacation - autumn vacation

Song Link -> 🍂🍂🍂

you said that ever since you were young, you always liked autumn. you hated summer and winter, and said that spring days didn't suit you at all. however, it upset you that only autumn lacked a vacation, you said while laughing.

you said that ever since you were young, you have never been given anything you loved and when you truly start to love something, you have to throw away something you cherish even more and then you have to leave, you said.

you said that even when you were young, you began to dislike autumn. while enduring something you hated, you wished you could swap your heart for one able to like it. but around autumn, if you look at the sky and just stare blankly, you get a feeling that good days will come.

since the first time saw you, i just knew that i never wanted to do anything to make you cry and even after i began to truly love you, i never wanted to throw you away.

but you smile when you see me, don't you? just like the day we met…

you said you've gotten used to it that you've never been given anything you loved and that when you truly start to love something, you have to throw away something you cherish even more and then you have to leave, you said.

[dr-m-r-ma]

The Design in Her Mind

Part 6/?

Genre: drama, romance Rating: PG-13 Group: Monsta X Trigger warning: past-trauma mildly discussed

Summary: Sooyeon meets Monsta X by chance on the streets when they try to help her and her friends shake off creepers, but the meeting ends on a sour note. Some time later, Sooyeon meets the boys again, but at Starship’s headquarters. Although they act cold to each other, Shownu becomes more and more curious about her.

Disclaimer: This is 100% fictional and my own story. It is unrelated to the actual events and real persons of Monsta X and Starship. In regards to this particular fic, I’ve created new K-Pop groups and Sooyeon Kim is my original character. Parts will be written in Korean with English translations. I did not major/study in English/Korean, nor was I ever strong in English/Korean grammar, so there will be grammatical mistakes. This fanfic is written in third person and past-tense for ease of writing.

March 13 Should I just quit this company?

“Ugh….” Sooyeon groaned in the cab.

“비행기에서 잘 못 잤어요?” (Translation: “Did you not sleep well in the airplane?”)

With her face squished in her bag, Sooyeon groaned again in response. When she came up for air, she frowned at Joonha and Jeanie staring at her with amusement.

Despite her vehement rejection of the idea, Sooyeon was whisked away from her team once again to replace another sick person in the makeup team. There was something fishy about the whole story, but she didn’t have a chance to fight back, and she was basically shipped off to Japan just like that. This time, however, it wasn’t just a simple comeback stage, but one special stage and two performances at Music Bank’s world tour. Thinking about the long hours to come for the first day, Sooyeon snapped her eyes shut and wished it was all a dream.

“Hey, what’s up man!”

Everyone turned to face the English speaking person, and Shownu smiled to see BTOB members file into their waiting room. Peniel bumped fists with Minhyuk while Jooheon ran up to his same-age friend Ilhoon. Suddenly there was chaos from seven more energetic boys in the room. BTOB was definitely on their own level of… wild.

What caught Shownu’s eyes -- and apparently Hyungwon’s as well -- was that Hyunsik and their Minhyuk started talking to Sooyeon. And she smiled widely at them.

“헐… 뭐야… 아는 사이인가? 왜저렇게 밝아보여?” (Translation: “What the hell… do you think they know each other? Why does she look so cheerful?”) Hyungwon whispered to Shownu, while nudging Kihyun. Kihyun looked over and the two started whispering to each other about the scene in front of them.

Shownu stayed quiet, just observing Sooyeon. She seemed to physically relax around Hyunsik and Minhyuk, which was the opposite of how she was in the room with the Monsta X members. Her smiles and her laughter seemed genuine, unlike her awkward smiles in the waiting room or the forced laughter he heard so many times already.

“Oh my god!!! Soo?! What are you doing here?!” Peniel shouted across the room.

As soon as all eyes were on her, the other BTOB members flocked over to her side excitedly. Changsub took one of her hands while Sungjae took the other and they jumped up and down, shaking her hands vigorously. Her eyes twinkled and she laughed with her mouth open. ‘저렇게 웃을수가 있네….’ (Translation: ‘So she can smile like that….’) Shownu stood at the side, dejectedly looking on.

As if he could read Shownu’s mind, Wonho asked, “뭐야, 뭐야, 어떻게 아는거야? 그리고… 우리 앞에선 한번도 저렇게 웃어본적이 없잖아!” (Translation: “What, what, how do they know each other? And… she hasn’t ever smiled like that in front of us!”)

Before Shownu could brush it off, they heard Sungjae yelp, “또 아이돌 스타일리스트 일해요?” (Translation: “You’re doing stylist work for idols again?”) At that, all of the Monsta X members and Joonha’s entire stylist team looked back at Sooyeon.

Either she was ignoring the attention from the rest of the room or she couldn’t feel the burning stares from the rest of the room, but Sooyeon chuckled, “나도 이렇게 될줄 몰랐거든요? 근데, 진짜 어쩌다 한두번씩 도와주는거야 -- 계속하는건 아니야.” (Translation: “I also didn’t know it was going to turn out like this, okay? But, I just so happened to help out one or two times -- I’m not continuing this.”)

‘성재한테 반말하네….’ (Translation: ‘She’s talking casually to him….’) Shownu raised one eyebrow with his lips puckered out. His signature pout caught the attention of his other members and Jooheon interrupted them.

“비투비선배님들이랑은 어떻게 아세요?” (Translation: “How do you know BTOB[-sunbaenims]?”)

*Silence*

Sungjae glanced at Sooyeon and blurted out, “말 안 하셨어요?” (Translation: “You haven’t told them?”)

Ilhoon whacked Sungjae across the head and whispered something into the younger boy’s ear. Shownu squinted, wondering what was wrong, but Sooyeon cleared her throat, bringing the attention back to her. She responded, “말 할 필요가 없었어… 근데 지금 말할게요. 예전에 비투비분들을 담당했던 스타일리스트 한 팀원이었어요.” (Translation: “I didn���t have a reason to tell… but I’ll say it now. I used to be one of the stylists who was in charge of BTOB.”)

With the words out in the open now, there was no going back.

Hyunsik seemed to sense her uneasiness, since he joked, “우리가 너무 힘들게 했지… 그래도 우리 여장해줄때마다 재밌었지?” (Translation: “We were too crazy for you… but it was still fun every time you helped dress us as girls right?”)

“Pfft.” She thought back to all those times when she did makeup for Minhyuk and Hyunsik, wondering how they could be more beautiful than the average Korean girl. Minhyuk himself always seemed to be in awe of how pretty he was as a girl.

The mood eased back into lighthearted playfulness between the BTOB members and Sooyeon, but she caught glimpses of Shownu staring at her quietly. When their eyes met, she thought he would turn away, but he only continued to stare at her. It was she who had to turn her gaze first. He no longer had the pout she saw him with a few minutes ago, but she felt his strong gaze piercing a hole into her head.

However, she continued to laugh and joke with the BTOB members when a knock came from the door frame. She looked up, as did everyone else, to find a group of boys she had never seen.

“안녕하세요, 신인 그룹 MNMT 모뉴먼트입니다! 잘 부탁드립니다!” (Translation: “Hello, we are a new group called MNMT Monument! Please take care of us!”) The boys yelled, albeit nervously. They held stacks of their debut album in their hands and passed one to each person in the room, including all the managers and stylists.

As they neared BTOB, Sooyeon grimaced at the sight of so many new guys approaching her. Before she could tug on Minhyuk’s shirt as a silent signal, a low voice grabbed her attention: “수연씨, 제 머리 좀… 해주세요.” (Translation: “Sooyeon, please… help me with my hair.”)

Whirling around, her eyes met Shownu’s. His eyes were dark, mixed with concern and something else that she couldn’t put a finger on. Something that led her to step away from her BTOB barrier and follow Shownu. Shownu sat in his designated chair and as Sooyeon readied herself to concentrate on his hair rather than the loud chatter in the background, a cold chill ran down her spine all of a sudden.

*Clack*

She dropped the comb in her hand and her eyes slowly shifted to the upper corner of the mirror. The sources of her chill were two members from MNMT and their manager. The two members stared at her with curiosity and interest, while the manager had an unreadable but cold expression as he stared on. Even though her eyes met with each one of them through the mirror, none of them averted their eyes and Sooyeon could feel an icy coldness creep up from the ground.

Moment went by, and only when a warm hand grasped her empty hand did she come back to reality. When she looked down, she saw a softer and gentler Shownu peering back at her. His hand warmed her hand that was clammy with cold sweat, and his eyes brought her back. Without exchanging any words, Shownu squeezed her hand and picked up the comb with his other hand. As he handed it back to her, he tilted his head towards her and gave a small smile, making his eyes crinkle a little.

Thank you… for not asking. She silently thanked him, grateful for his quiet nature, and quickly got to work on his hairstyle as well as his makeup. She relaxed bit by bit, and even though she could concentrate on her work because of Shownu’s gentle gestures, she couldn’t shake off the unsettling feeling that crept up on her.

[ hours later ]

*Bzzt* *Bzzt*

Sooyeon looked down at her phone from under the table, trying to stay unnoticed during the team dinner.

After all the rehearsals and filming finished, the stylist teams and a few managers all went out for a light dinner at a local restaurant. Distracted by what happened earlier during the day, Sooyeon could only pick at her food mindlessly. Until she received the messages on her phone.

It was Ilhoon, from BTOB, asking if she wanted to go to the conbini with Hyunsik and him, and other BTOB staff. She quickly texted back a yes and put on her coat.

“어이! 김수현씨~ 어디가...세욥!” (Translation: “Hey! Kim Soohyun~ where… are you goin’!”) Joonha slurred, drunk out of his mind. She raised an eyebrow in annoyance and replied, “수현이 아니고 수연이에요. 그리고 소화가 안되서 호텔로 걸어갈 거예요.” (Translation: “It’s not Soohyun but Sooyeon. Also I’m going to walk back to the hotel because I haven’t digested.”)

She lightly squeezed Jeanie’s shoulder and smiled before running out the door. She was met with a cold breeze scratching her cheeks and soft city noises in the background. As she made her way back to the hotel, Sooyeon saw Ilhoon, Hyunsik, their manager and Ilhoon’s sister Joo standing outside the hotel premises.

Joo noticed Sooyeon first, calling out with her sing-song voice, “수연아!!!” (Translation: “Sooyeon!!!”) and skipped over to Sooyeon. Throwing her arms around Sooyeon, Joo chirped, “야~~ 오랜만이다! 잘 지냈어?” (Translation: “Wow~~ long time no see! Have you been well?”)

Though she was surprised to see Joo, Sooyeon smiled warmly in response. “네, 언니, 언니도 잘 지내셨죠?” (Translation: “Yes, Unnie, have you also been well?”)

They chattered away while the group headed over to the nearest convenience store, and it was like old times again -- Joo exposing embarrassing stories about Ilhoon while Ilhoon tried to throw shade back and Hyunsik tried to placate the younger boy by throwing embarrassing stories about the other BTOB members. It felt nice for Sooyeon to completely relax finally… even though it wasn’t always this easy.

*Rrring*

The chime on the door rang when Joo pushed the door open, and all of a sudden she gasped, “어��.” (Translation: “Oh.”)

Ilhoon broke away mid-sentence and looked towards his older sister. Joo waved him off and said, “안녕하세요.” (Translation: “Hello.”) Sooyeon peeked over Hyunsik’s shoulder and frowned. What are they doing without their managers?

“어--! 스타일리스트님은 여기 어떻게…” (Translation: “What--! How is our stylist here…”) Wonho trailed off. His knitted eyebrows and pouty lips expressed shock and utter confusion, and Sooyeon could only crouch away from the sight to sigh.

She straightened up again and pulled Joo and Ilhoon over to the ice cream section. From the corner of her eyes, she could see Shownu’s hard gaze on her again. Even though she was in front of the freezers, Sooyeon could feel a slow heat rising over her neck and ears. Why does he keep looking at me like that? 사람 헷갈리게… (Translation: Making me confused…) She could tell Joo and Ilhoon were also confused by her sudden initiative for ice cream in the middle of March, since Sooyeon was known to dislike cold food during winter.

Hand squeezing down tightly, Shownu gripped his drink tightly and didn’t even notice the liquid leaking out of the cap. Despite how Wonho mentioned Sooyeon had a different air about her when she was with Shownu, he hated how close she was with the BTOB members and staff. He could tell she relaxed completely around them and was casual, throwing smiles and jokes with them. Though his expression stayed the same, he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pain when she walked away without acknowledging his presence. She could have simply just nodded her head or said a brief hello to him, and Wonho, instead of linking her arms with Ilhoon and his sister and walking off.

“처음엔 우리한테도 그랬어.” (Translation: “In the beginning, she was like that to us too.”)

Shownu looked over to his side and saw Hyunsik quietly looking at the snacks. Wonho squeaked, “원래 저래요…? 그럼 언제 사이가 좋아졌어요?” (Translation: “She’s usually like that…? Then when did you guys have a better relationship?”)

Not taking his eyes off the snacks, Hyunsik replied, “음… 거의… 반년 걸렸나? 콘서트에서 여장을 하고 나니까 좀 긴장을 풀드라.” (Translation: “Hm… it almost took… half a year? After crossdressing at our concert, she seemed to relax.”)

“그게 무슨…” (Translation: “What do you…”) Wonho frowned. She wasn’t even a permanent stylist on the team but she was going to be like that for at least half a year? He shook his head in disapproval and patted Shownu’s back sympathetically.

Hyunsik crouched down and only looked up when he saw Shownu’s drink leak from the side. Chuckling, Hyunsik said, “그래도 우리랑 처음에있을때랑 지금 네들이랑 있을때 완전히 달라보여 -- 그땐 한명한테도 마음을 열지 못했는데 지금은… 너한테 좀 의지하는�� 보이더라.” (Translation: “But she seems totally different when she’s with you guys versus when she was with us in the beginning -- at that time, she didn’t open up to a single person, but now… she seems to rely on you a little.”)

Only then, did Shownu loosen his grip on his drink. The whites of his knuckles returned to pink and he looked down at Hyunsik. “그런건… 어떻게 아세요?” (Translation: “How do you know… things like that?”)

As Hyunsik grabbed a few snacks, he ignored Shownu’s question and asked, “수연이 타투있는거 알아?” (Translation: “Do you know that Sooyeon has tattoos?”) When he saw Wonho nod, he continued, “나도 잘 모르는데, 수연이는 힘든걸 겪고나서 타투 하나를 받나봐. 지금 2개 있는데, 어떤 힘든일이 있었는지 자세히는 몰라… 그냥… 모르는 남자들이 많으면 무서워해. 그래서 너희들한테 빨리 친해진단 말은 장담할수가 없어.” (Translation: “I also don’t know, but she seems to get a tattoo every time she goes through a difficult situation. She has two right now, but I don’t really know the details about what kind of things she went through… just… she’s scared of unfamiliar, large groups of men. So I can’t promise you guys that she’ll quickly warm up to you.”)

Shownu’s eyes widened and his heart raced at the implication. His gut twisted, thinking of the worst that could have happened to her, and his eyes sadly looked over to her figure. Thinking back to earlier, when he saw her tense up at the sight of MNMT, he punched himself mentally. He remembered how she froze momentarily and dropped her comb, only to be brought back when he grasped her hand.

“뭐… 네가 뭘 생각하는지 알것같지만, 그렇게 나쁜건 안 겪었을거라고 생각해. 아니면 트라우마 때문에 영원히 모든 남자를 무서워할테니까. 그냥, 욕하지말고 조금이라도 이해해달란 얘기야.” (Translation: “Well… I can guess what you’re thinking, but I don’t think she went through that extreme kind of thing. Or else, her trauma would cause her to be scared of all men forever. It’s just, I want you guys to understand her a little bit instead of just curse her.”) Hyunsik smiled and patted Shownu’s shoulder, before walking over to the cashier, where the rest of them were waiting.

Wonho seemed to reel back at Hyunsik’s words, and he worriedly looked at Shownu. “...괜찮아?” (Translation: “...You okay?”)

Shownu numbly nodded and replayed Hyunsik’s message over and over again, as the two walked out of the store and back to the hotel.

*** TBC ***

A/n: idk work is really killing me (lol) also just to clear things up, in this chapter, Shownu thinks Sooyeon’s past trauma has to do with r*pe (censoring bc idk what Tumblr’s guidelines are these days) but he’s thinking of the worst case scenario and as Hyunsik tells him, she wasn’t.