#one of those guys who has 'critical reader' in their bio but then its just bl yuri and whatever martial art they are studying

[eternal-dragon-of-time]

Hero OC question.

For Bonus Points put what they post about in the tags

[t-lostinworlds]

All Too Real (Tom Holland)

A/N: Well, this was longer than expected. I’ve had this idea in a while, and it feels great to finally do something about it aha. Also, I’m not going to tag my permanent taglist here since most of the people who are in there are for Shawn. BUT with that being said, tell me if you want to be added to a permanent taglist for Tom fics only or both Tom and Shawn. Am I making sense? Prolly not lmao but yeah. hope you guys enjoy this one!

Pairing: Tom Holland x Actress!Reader

Summary: You were meant to be acting, but the scene just hits too close to home that you've managed to say the wrong name, then everything just felt all too real.

Warnings: A bit of Angst and my usual typos

Word Count: 9.7k+

Masterlist in Bio

-:-:-:-:-

You didn't know who your leading man was until the very last minute, making it impossible to back out now.

Not only that, but you'd be risking a big opportunity if you decided not to take the part, the lead role to be exact. This was a big movie with big, well-known directors and it will guarantee to boost your career to the next level being that you're just starting off as an actress. This was your moment and you weren't going to jeopardize that just because of a personal reason. Plus, contractually, there was no turning back.

The movie was a mixture of crime, action, drama and romance, and it was already a given in the script that you'd be playing across a leading man.

You just had no idea it was going to be him.

Production starts tomorrow and you just found out that you're in a movie with non-other than Mr. Tom Holland himself.

Spider-Man to the world, ex-boyfriend in yours.

It was not public knowledge that you two used to be together. A very impressive thing being that your relationship lasted for about two years, yet not a single word got out. Nobody knew about you two except your closest friends and family, and both of you were happy to keep it that way for as long as you can until you both were ready to share your relationship with the world. But things happened and you didn't get a chance to do so.

You met Tom on the set of Captain America: Civil War. You were just a mere extra at that time as you were still trying to find your footing in the industry. He, on the other hand, had just finished his screen test with Chris Evans as he solely told you.

It was lunch time when this cute boy wearing this, almost a crossover between the Spider-Man costume and pajamas, went up behind you to grab some food.

You two talked for a little bit, asking about what you're doing here and all that jazz, until he charmed his way into asking for your number. And everything just kicked off from there really.

It was blissful while it lasted, the both of you, young and so in love. Nothing but pure happiness and adoration as your relationship took its course and blossomed into this wonderful thing. It was almost like a fairytale how lovely it was. So beautiful to see the joy in the two of you, even with those sweet little moments that you shared. That until the success of his first solo film as Spider-Man.

Him shooting the movie brought no problems at all as you were there to support him through and through. Hell, not even during the press junket where he's always traveling, that didn't cause any strain between your relationship as you've managed to make it work. But once the numbers started rolling in and the attention got bigger, that's where you got left behind.

You were still finding your way as an actress but you didn't seem to get the same amount of support from him as he did from you as time went by. He did at the start of course, he was your number one fan, but once he found his big break, you just got pushed to the side.

Somehow, in some odd way, a switch was flipped. He became distant, almost cold all of the sudden.

It was almost like he became too good for you in a way. Other people made you feel like you were nothing to him, that you weren't on his level and that took its toll on you. But the most hurtful part was that he didn't even bother to reassure you that, that wasn't the case at all.

There was this constant battle in your brain as you tried to reassure your own self with your relationship with him. That this was just nothing, that he was just busy, and that he loves you still. But clubbing out with friends most of the time doesn't really qualify as being busy now does it?

The logical part of you just keeps nagging that it was over. That there was nothing to hold on to, even if you hopefully wished there was something still there, that you can still save this relationship.

But no, it was all gone.

He broke up with you some time later. He said he wanted to enjoy life without worrying about anything, without worrying about you. He wants to enjoy his new found life while being single, in other words.

He was basically saying that you were holding him back, and to be honest? He was probably right. He made you feel that he was right.

The break up wasn't sunshine and butterflies at all. Voices were raised, words were thrown, and everything just burst into flames. When he shut the door and left, everything just turned to ashes, the remains of your heart along with your relationship. It was dark, cold and just painful to the point that you've lost yourself after that.

You took all the blame. All of it.

For months on end you kept telling yourself that if you were just good enough, if you were successful enough, then maybe he wouldn't have left you. You kept beating yourself up for something he has done and that never is healthy, telling yourself that it's your fault when in fact, it wasn't.

It took a lot of will-power to snap out of it, being that you are the most critical about yourself. But you've managed to push through, worked harder than ever before to get yourself out there and to make a name for yourself.

And here you are, about to star as the lead role of a big film.

You are far better than you were a year ago, definitely. But have you fully healed? No.

Distracting is not healing.

You kept yourself busy with your career and it has help you to not ever confront your pain. It was always shoved aside as you paid it no mind. You even avoided anything about him for that matter, in hopes that you wouldn't be reminded of that certain hurt that only he has caused. You've just been running away from it, running away from the demons of your past.

But now, there was nowhere to run.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you earlier Y/N. I just got scared that you might turn the role down if you found out he was going to be in it too and it's just a big opportunity and I can't live with myself if I had let it slipped away from you." Your manager rushed her words on the other side of the call, the concern in her voice clear because she knows. She knows what you went through with Tom.

"No it's okay Jeanne. I understand why you did it and I really thank you for that. Another thing I owe to you." You stated truthfully. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have had that extra push that you needed to get you where you are today. And you were glad you've found someone who only has her best intentions when it came to you and your career.

"I–uhm, am I shooting scenes with him tomorrow too?" You added as a whisper, despite the fact that you were alone in your hotel room at the moment. Scared that if you'd say it any louder, the pain in your chest would only grow deeper and sharper.

"Yes, he is going to be there tomorrow." She answered, empathy laced in her tone and you can just picture the frown she has on her face.

You bit your bottom lip as you stared up at the ceiling. This is going to be a hard movie to shoot that's for sure. But you're a professional; you can just brush it off like it's nothing. "Okay, yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow Jeanne." You breathed out.

"Get some rest hun. You've got this." And with that you ended the call, your whole body flopping down on your bed as you let out a frustrated groan.

The universe truly does have its ways in making you face the person who you have been avoiding—so successfully so far—in order to spare yourself the heartache.

With one last sigh, you pulled the covers over your body, waiting for sleep to take over so that you can have a much needed rest.

It was going to be a long day tomorrow after all.

* * *

Two hours was all you got.

Two hours of sleep as you lay restless in your bed just thinking about all the millions of possibilities on what could happen once you see him again for the first time after a year.

No matter how hard you tried to shut him out of your thoughts, he still managed to invade it even after all this time. The past was haunting you, he was haunting you and it was like you were back to that night again.

You feel so disappointed in yourself as you found your way back to old ways, crying about a boy who doesn't even give a single damn about you.

It took all the courage and strength in your body to leave the bed in the morning. A struggle to say the least until you slapped some sense into yourself and finally made your way to set.

You just arrived in the nick of time. It wouldn't be ideal to arrive late on the first day of shooting as you wanted to let them see that you are a respectful and respectable actress, so managing to be just on time, it was a great start of your day.

Even more so when you felt the hot cup of coffee warming up your fingers as you held it in your hands. The smell of freshly roasted coffee beans enough to boost your energy, especially with so minimal sleep.

There was no sign of him so far, and you were thankful to at least have time to breathe and just relax. No matter how little that time may be, you will definitely take it.

You've already met the Russo brothers who were both sweet and kind, both expressing their excitement to start the project that they've been so amped up to do.

After the casual chats, introductions and greetings, a young lady then guided you to where the trailers are going to be parked. Opting out of her offer to take you right at the door as you solely can manage yourself. But you also wanted some time to take in everything that you've seen so far because it was a big and amazing set, and just to take a moment to ground yourself in a way. Somewhat grasp every bit of alone time as you wouldn't have one until the end of the shoot, which was going to be later in the night.

You were on your way there when you suddenly heard something running after you, the sound of the pebbles rustling about growing nearer and nearer which was then followed by a loud bark. Surely enough when you turned around, you saw the prettiest dog, hurdling towards you with a wide smile on her face. That cute face that you'll always recognize from a mile away.

"Tessa?" You grinned wide as you squatted down to greet her, expecting a subtle encounter but no, she full on jumped on you making you fall flat on your bum. Genuine laughter erupted out of you as you tried to keep yourself sitting upright, all while making sure not to spill your coffee. You were sat cross-legged on rocks now but you didn't care, too preoccupied with the love Tessa was smothering you.

"Hi angel! How are you my love? You good? Healthy? Happy?" You gushed in a small voice, giggling when she covered your face in kisses, you not minding by one bit as you rubbed her belly in return.

You were too engrossed with Tessa that you didn't even notice that someone was already standing there, just watching, not until you heard your name.

"Y/N..."

You didn't have to look up to know who it was.

Having heard your name slip out of those lips countless of times, all on so many different occasions, there was no need for you to see who that voice belonged to.

It wasn't even above a whisper, but you heard it, the sound of longing etched in his voice, that certain tone that you've heard endlessly but only... only whenever he misses you.

And you wanted nothing more than to curse him out because how dare he? How dare he act like he cares when he didn't show any of that—not even in the slightest—that night he left you?

You were already filled with so many emotions and that's only from hearing his voice, you haven't even looked up to fully see him yet.

"Tom." You sighed, giving the back of Tessa's ear one last scratch before standing up fully, patting your jeans clean before gathering up the strength to finally look up at him in the eyes.

The way your heart stopped for a full second and then beat again but with twice the pace, never have you felt that in your life.

You stood frozen as you stared right into them, those brown orbs that once felt like home, but now only brings nothing but pain. And the way he was looking at you so longingly, it only added anger in the mix.

"Hi."

Tom knew he fucked up.

He knows how bad he screwed things up. He was fully aware of how much he's lost and how much of an idiot he is for being the reason of that in the first place.

You were finally standing right in front of him, in the flesh, in all your gorgeous glory, and Tom was at a loss for words.

He was talking to the Russos when Tessa suddenly bolted full speed. Not having familiar with the set yet, Tom was quick to run after her in fear that she might get lost, but he ended up finding her with a sight that was heartwarming yet heartbreaking at the same time.

He heard your laugh first. That familiar and beautiful sound enabling his heart to beat rapidly against his chest, even more so when he saw you sat on the ground with Tessa, nothing but pure joy and love radiating off of his princess, and the love that he once had.

The sight was beautiful, so endearing and it warmed him up inside, but it also reminded him of what it once was.

God he was a fucking idiot.

"Long time no see." Your voice snapped him back to senses, a soft blush coating his cheeks because he doesn't know how long he's been staring at you, but by the gods above you look absolutely breathtaking. Even in just casual jeans and a sweater.

"Yeah, it's great to finally see you again. You look beautiful." Tom breathed out, the last sentence escaping his mouth before he could even stop himself.

Tom might have been acting like such a creep but he just feels so happy to see you again. You probably wouldn't even believe him if he told you, not after what he's done, and he can't blame you. But he does, he truly does feel so happy.

"Thanks." You mumbled as you flashed him a smile. Whether it was genuine, Tom wasn't sure, but it was a smile nonetheless.

"How are you?" He asked just as he took a step towards you, but you were quick to take one step back and this made a frown form on his lips. The way you looked away and avoided his gaze, it stung, but Tom also can't say he didn't deserve it.

"I'm good, but uh, I need to get ready so uh—"

"Yes! Yes, of course, don't let me hold you off." Tom chuckled coyly, hand coming up to rub his shoulder, and just like that, the awkwardness in the air only heightened from there. Because after everything that has happened, Tom wasn't sure where he stands in your life anymore. Whether it be a civil friend or just a cast mate at this point.

When the Russos pitched him the idea, it was a no-brainer, Tom wanted to do the project right off the bat. But when he found out who the star of the movie was going to be? Nothing but pure excitement and much pride filled him up to the bones.

He has seen most, if not, all of the movies you've been in. Visiting your social media every now and then to see what you've been up to. It may sound stalker-ish in a sense but it's the only way for him to keep up with how you've been doing. And to see you grow and be the star that you were always meant to be? It was a beautiful thing for sure.

It might not have been as beautiful as experiencing it with you first hand, since he ruined that chance by a long shot, it was still heartwarming to witness—even if it was only via screen.

"Yeah, see you on set." You mumbled, giving him a curt nod before turning your attention back on the dog who was just sitting there, observing, tail on an all-time wag once she's seen that you've finally given her your attention again.

"I'm so happy to see you again angel." You whispered as you crouched back down to give Tessa a sweet kiss on the head, and Tom's heart completely melted at that.

You were there when Tom got Tessa.

He hasn't said it out loud nor broadcasted it in any way, but you became Tessa's mommy in the duration of your relationship. You took care of her while he was away on press or shoots, and he will forever be grateful for that.

Tessa was your baby as much as she is Tom's, and it now just dawned on him that he took her away from you. And Tom felt even more of an asshole than he already was.

You shot him one last look before you turned on your heel, not ever once looking back as you walked towards what Tom would only assume was your trailer.

Tessa was about to follow you but Tom was quick to grab her collar, squatting down to hold her fully to keep her in place because she was for sure putting up a fight. "No Tessa, you stay with me."

The poor pup whined once you were out of sight, looking up at Tom with those eyes emitting a soft sigh out of him. He nodded his head solemnly, giving Tessa's head a soft pat as his eyes slowly landed back on the closed door of your trailer.

"I know love, I missed her so much too."

* * *

Tom was watching from afar, he just couldn't help himself, but he doesn't exactly know which of you is which yet.

All he sees is there are two girls dressed in identical, all black and leather outfits, both have their hoods up with backs turned on him. He knows one of them was you and the other was your stunt double, he just can't seem to differentiate who is who as of the moment.

"Okay now Tom, you already know how the scene goes. The first time Detective Allan Spade, your character, meets Luna. They've known each other before so you are basically going to be surprised that the sweet innocent girl, who's your childhood best friend and then dated up until college was now a well-trained and elite assassin." Joe was the one to interrupt Tom's ogling since Anthony was at your side giving notes too. One of the perks of having two directors on set is that you can speed things up a bit. The set was built quite large so it definitely was a plus.

It was the first scene of the day and they were starting it off with an action sequence, one with cars, explosions, gun shots and the likes. It wasn't the first take for the rest but it was for Tom, being that they perfected some of stunts first, which was mostly done at the end of the set far across from him.

He didn't get to see who was doing which stunt because your character's costume has you covered in almost head to toe, making it impossible to know without having a closer look.

He was very excited though, maybe even too much that his mind sometimes flies off to somewhere—or rather, someone—instead of focusing more with the task at hand.

"Okay, yeah, gotcha." Tom nodded frantically as he cleared his throat. His arms were crossed over his chest as the heat rose up his cheeks once Joe looked at him curiously. "You okay? You seem a bit preoccupied?"

"Just a lil tired but I'm alright." Tom chuckled shyly as he looked down, the director only nodding as he added. "We're going to try and have one fluid shot with this scene so once you see her jump over the hood of your car, you quickly get out to your marker and aim your gun."

Tom hummed with a smile to let Joe know that he's listening attentively. The director gave him one last pat on the shoulder before turning back to the crew.

"Okay places everyone!" And with that, Tom got inside of a car that was hooked up to a wire rigging. It was only going one way but in top speed, so safety first is a must, hence why he isn't allowed to really drive it.

Tom already had his hands on the wheel, his head turning just enough to see a girl or Luna as he would refer—to which he assumed was your stunt double—hooked up to a trust and wires. She stood on top of a car that was situated in the middle of a chaotic road.

The sight was hectic enough with a number of cars littered everywhere—some overturned, some on fire—and a few bodies of supposed police offers sprawled on the pavement. Luna threw her hand up with thumb upturned to signal that she was ready to do the scene.

"Set and action!" And everything then just sprung to life.

Gun shots echoed throughout the space as explosions went off here and there. The car Luna was standing on drove full speed and came to a screeching halt in an attempt to shake her off. But the sudden movement only enabled her to jump off and flip right on time, so smoothly and with much grace. She landed on the ground with a roll, pausing for a second in a crouching position to let the camera capture the moment before she was full on sprinting again.

Tom's grip on the steering wheel tightened as he watched her approach, incredibly fast and nimble, dodging the cars and bullets coming after her with so much ease as if they were whizzing past her in slow motion, all while maintaining such poise in doing so.

With the signal, Tom stepped on the gas pedal hard, perfectly in sync as his car lurched forward in an attempt to catch her off guard, but just as it came right in front of her, she jumped and slid herself over the hood, landing down on the ground crouching.

Before she could even make another move, Tom had already gotten out of his car, the sound of the gun clicking stopping her in her tracks.

"Hands up where I can see them!" Tom growled, gun firm in hand as he slowly approached her, eyebrows furrowed as he glared at the figure right in front of him.

She stood up carefully with both hands held up in surrender, the silence in the air suddenly ringing as she turned around with her head hanging low, covering her face completely. That until she slowly lifted her hood off.

"Woah." Tom sucked in a breath, completely caught off guard as he stared at none other than star of the movie herself, you.

Sure, half of your face was covered with a mask, but he just knows it's you and it really took him utterly by surprise.

Tom genuinely did think your stunt double was doing this scene as the action sequence wasn't in anywhere near easy, but he'd recognize those eyes anywhere.

To say he was thoroughly impressed would be an understatement.

But knowing you for the time that he has, Tom knows how much of a hardworking woman you are. So seeing that you will likely do all of your stunts, it wasn't at all surprising to come and really think about it.

Still, Tom was speechless as he kept staring at you, and it was like there was no acting required as he slowly lowered the gun to see you more. His eyes not seeming to believe that it was you standing in front of him. Perfectly on script.

It felt so new to him seeing you in a different element, seeing you look even more beautiful and extremely sexy with that much tattered, faded leather and straps hugging your body.

You were wearing those long boots that stopped mid-thigh paired with shorts that were ripped on the edges, an almost gothic type of a hooded cloak swaying with the air, making it look even more promising that you can definitely kill. You look like you just came out of an Assassin's Creed video game, but more on the modern side. And instead of swords and knives, you've got guns.

Your eyes on the other hand were on a different level.

They were threatening to say the least. The glare was so intense that Tom actually felt like you were about to hand his ass over to him. Those sweet eyes he's grown to adore was masked by this menacing and dark look and he just keeps getting more impressed as he goes on. He wouldn't want to meet you in this state in an alleyway—or anywhere for that matter—that's for sure.

He definitely hasn't seen you like this before and boy was it making his head spin, and dare he say it, it was making him feel all hot.

You were fully in your badass mode and Tom wasn't sure if he was scared or extremely attracted, or maybe even both at the same time.

"And cut!"

And then you giggled.

Tom has let go of a girl who can definitely do both. As if he wasn't a big enough idiot already.

"Was that good?" Your voice was muffled by the face mask you were wearing, but Tom can just hear that wide smile on your face. You really just had to make him soft by being all cute and sweet again.

Oh you were giving him a whiplash that will surely be the death of him.

"Nailed it! Both of you!"

"Really? And, uh, can I have some water please?" You giggled shyly, only sparing Tom a second of a glance before your eyes was back on a girl who brought you a bottle of water.

This made him frown involuntarily, curios eyes looking at you as a certain pang hits his chest.

She's still mad at you and rightfully so.

Tom ran a hand through his hair with a sigh as his eyes casted itself on the ground. He was starting to go deep in thought as to what he should do to make things clearer for the both of you, but he got interrupted when Anthony approached him to give a few notes and directions for the next part of this scene.

So Tom just shoved his thoughts to the side and decided that when the time is right, you two will get to talk eventually.

* * *

It was the last scene of the day to which you're a little bit relief by. You were pretty much drained to the bone and you can't wait for the day to be over. But with one downside: it's also the scene that you've been dreading the most.

It was a flashback scene of your character and Tom character's falling out. It was sort of the last straw to break her completely that would then be one of the reasons that pushes her to become an assassin right after everything in her life has gone to hell.

It wouldn't have been too much of a big deal if it wasn't near what happened with you and Tom. But the case was, it was almost as identical as the night you and Tom broke up.

What a way of the universe to joke.

There were a couple of different scenarios sure, but the whole idea and vibe of the scene? It was like it was taken from the books of your very own life.

The set was whittled down now, the setting a residential area with an empty street in a cold night. You were out of your costume and in a simple knee-length dress and a denim jacket along with a pair of sneakers. A beanie sat atop your head as your hair fell down your shoulders freely.

It was tough trying to get into the headspace, as this was a heavy scene with so much crying involved, but it doesn't even take too long when all your mind could think of was that night.

"You okay?" Anthony asked as he furrowed his brows at you, concern written on his face as you've managed to look extremely crestfallen.

"Yeah, just getting into the zone." You laughed awkwardly, your heart getting heavier by the minute especially when you caught a glimpse of Tom approaching and then stopping just beside you.

"You've been incredible so far with all the action Y/N. But this scene in particular, I want you to channel all your deep emotions. You character has been through so much, loss of a father, an addict mother, the society looking down at you and then the only person who you trust and love starts to change and turn his back on you." You only nodded at Anthony's direction since your mind was already there. You've already experienced a few of the things your character has, so it wasn't hard to tap into those emotions.

You can feel Tom's stare just burning a hole through the side of your head, but never did you spare him a glance. You aren't sure if you're strong enough to keep your tears at bay. Probably best to just save it for the scene.

"You Tom, you've just gotten popular with the crowd, new friends, and people seem to love you and you only see her as like a hindrance to your joy because she starts asking for your attention. You kinda see her anger at you as her not wanting to see you happy or her being jealous of your success. You've been blinded by a lot of stuff so you become a jerk to her basically." It would be funny to think that Anthony was basically telling Tom to act the way he acted that particular night, but none of you were in the state of mind to find even the smallest humor in the situation at hand.

"Yeah okay, yeah." Tom cleared his throat, the tension in the air getting thicker by the minute that even Joe had to butt in. "Are you two okay? You both look like you've seen a ghost." The older brother asked as he stood beside Anthony.

"Yeah!" Both you and Tom almost squeaked in unison. You can feel the heat rush to your cheeks as you forced a smile. "Never better." You breathed out.

Tom was still staring at you; you can just feel it, and you so wished he would just stop. It wasn't helping your case at all, especially when he's got those messy brows furrowed by the looks of it in the corner of your eye, indicating that he was deep in thought.

"You guys have the freedom to improvise your lines, don't be afraid to stray away from the actual lines on the paper but make sure that you don't necessarily change the scene."

Without further more questions, you were finally ushered to your places. You kept your eyes on the ground while you stood in front of a screen door, hands in the pockets of your jacket as you shifted your weight from one foot to the other.

"Ready and action!"

You grabbed the screen door open as you slowly made your way inside. Different colored lights were flickering around as few people gave you looks because everyone knows you weren't invited to this party. You acted unbothered but your eyes were telling a different story.

Reaching the living room, the couch was where you saw him. He sat comfortably with arms outstretched on the back of the sofa, a girl right closely beside him as they whispered to each other's ear, rather too flirtatiously.

You stood there and watched as she got all too friendly with her hands, trailing up and down his chest as he didn't bother to do anything about it. Tears were welling up your eyes, but you willed yourself to stay focused, even if it wasn't necessarily full on acting as it was quite a familiar sight to see.

And with the cue, Tom looked up to meet your gaze and you held it, just long enough for the camera to pick up. The expression on his face was quick to change as he stood up abruptly. That was your indication to leave, so you turned around and rushed out of the house, the camera following closely behind you.

You were now on an empty street as he ran behind you, the set eerily quiet letting his footsteps echo loudly against the wet pavement. You wrapped your arms around yourself as you kept your head low, holding the tears in since it wasn't time for that yet.

"Wait, just wait a second. It's not what it looks like." Tom rushed as he grabbed your arm, but you shrugged it off and kept on walking, making sure not to take too long of the strides for you not to miss the marker.

"Of course it isn't." You scoffed with a roll of your eyes.

"Just listen to me will you?" He called out in exasperation, but you didn't even bother to turn around and give him a look. "I don't want to listen to you anymore. Just go back and have fun with your so called lady friend." You said dismissively, seeing your mark to be one step more and once you reached it, and he reached his, his voice boomed.

"Why are you being such a bitch?" You stopped in your tracks and slowly turned around to finally face him, a look of absolute hurt written on your face as his only showed nothing but pure frustration.

"I can't do this anymore." You whispered with a shake of your head, blinking away the tears as you looked up at the dark sky.

"Can't do what?" Tom scoffed as he took a step forward but he kept a good distance, eyebrows furrowed in anger with his arms crossed over his chest to seem intimidating, and it was working. You knew it was all acting, but it just looked so believable that it took a sharp swing at your heart.

"This, us, you. I can't deal with you and your stuck up attitude anymore." You gestured between the both of you and then all of him, voice cracking as you willed yourself to keep eye contact. It was so hard to stay in character and balance your emotions at the same time, because the way he was looking at you, was the same way as he did that night he left.

Tom looked away with a sarcastic laugh. "Oh so now I'm stuck up? What did I do wrong this time?" You shook your head in disbelief at his words. "So many things, you're just too blind to see it."

"Then lay them the fuck out!" He snarled with one step forward, eyes boring furiously into yours that it almost made you take a step back. But you kept your ground, glaring at him with the same intensity as you threw your hands up in the air.

"Fine! You want me to lay it out for you? You've changed! Now that you've found your way in life and found a new group of friends suddenly you're too good for me. Suddenly you're mister successful while I'm the trash who follows you around." You barked back, his resolve wavering for a little bit as he grumbled. "You know that's not true."

"But it fucking is! You make me feel like I'm nothing compared to you! I'm your girlfriend but you can't seem to spend even a minute with me since you're out with your new friends a lot. And if you do give me a spare of your time you get mad for no goddamn reason! It's like you don't even want to be near me! Like I'm a disease to you and your new life! You think so highly of yourself now that you act like I'm some low class person as if we didn't grow up together!" The accusation in your voice was clear as day, and the way Tom's jaw clenched to show that you've hit a nerve, it scared you.

"Then maybe you should take the hint to do something better with your boring life so you can stop messing with mine!"

That was when you lost it. Any sense of what's real and what's just an act, you lost it.

"Start doing something with your own goddamn career and life and stop meddling with mine Y/N! I'm so sick of your shit!"

Your brain started to spiral out of control and suddenly you weren't on set anymore, you were back at the apartment, head in your hands as you cried your eyes out, the loud bang of the door slamming shut ringing in your ears.

A single tear ran down your cheek as you stared at him in shock, breath caught in your throat as you felt your whole body tremble. You struggled to form your words, your eyes shutting tight enabling more tears to run down your face as you breathed out. "I have always been there for you. All I ask is for you to be there for me too." It sounded like a plea, soft, desperate but very painful that Tom almost broke character. Almost.

"It's not my obligation to carry your failures for you." He stated with so much venom and ice that you could only nod defeatedly, lips quivering as you held his gaze for one more second before your eyes casted itself on the ground.

"That's not what I meant but fine. I will not be a burden to you anymore." Your voice sounded so small and frail, and it was taking everything in your power not to snap, to just walk away for it to be done. But he just had to have the last word now didn't he?

"So now what you're just going to leave and give up on us?"

You don't know what it was but something in his tone or words triggered you. After a year of bottling it in, months on end of it slowly reaching its boiling point, you finally blew up. You took a step towards him as you gave him a hard shove, the sudden action catching Tom totally off-guard making him stumbled back.

"Yes! Because I'm so fucking done! I'm so done with thinking every single day if I will ever be good enough for you!" You sobbed, the tears free falling down your face but you didn't care as you continued to yell at him.

"I gave you everything that I had! I was there for you day in day out! But you still treated me like shit! You made me feel like I didn't matter to you even in the smallest of ways and that fucking hurt so bad because you mean the whole world to me! You pushed me aside like we didn't went through anything! As if all our memories together was wiped off your brain and that hurts! It hurts to see you look at me like I'm some stranger, like I'm someone you hate so much even if I didn't do anything wrong to you! I've done nothing but love you. I—I loved you so much and all you did was hurt me in return. No matter how hard I tried, it still wasn't enough because you left me! You broke my heart when you said you'd take care of it. After all of your promises you broke all of me Tom!"

Tom froze at the mention of his name.

The anger on his face was quick to dissipate, replaced by a look of nothing but pure guilt. Tom's heart broke completely as he watched you break down in front of him, so vulnerable, so hurt, all because of him. "I–"

"No! You're not getting the last word this time. I've had enough. I am done." Your voice broke at the end of your sentence, turning around hurriedly and ran off shot, leaving Tom standing there frozen and stunned.

You covered your mouth to try and muffle your sobs, attempting to run back to your trailer to escape the prying eyes but Anthony stopped you, hands resting gently on your shoulders as he held you in arms-length. "Y/N, are you okay?" You shook your head no, your tears pouring even more at his question.

"Can I have a minute for some air please?" You stammered, vision blurry with all the tears but you still saw Anthony only nodding, eyebrows knitted in concern. "Go, take all the time that you need."

You breathed out a soft thank you and ran, back to your trailer, slamming your door closed and flipping the lock as you collapsed on the floor.

* * *

It took Tom a minute for everything that has happened to wrap around his head. Your words repeating itself over and over and he wanted nothing more than to beat himself up, black and blue.

He knew he hurt you but he could only just imagine how much, up until he saw your eyes as you looked at him with nothing but pure betrayal.

The pain in them were so real and Tom knew at that moment that you weren't even pretending anymore. You weren't acting but reliving that night again, he can just see it in your eyes. You weren't addressing him as his character, no; you were addressing him as himself, Tom Holland, the guy who broke you to pieces.

Tom should've just scrapped everything and held you. He should've said fuck it to the scene and just pulled you in his arms. But the thought crossed his mind a moment too late.

He stayed in his place completely still before he was snapped out of his state when Joe approached him, the director's face painted with confusion and concern. "Tom what was that? Is there something going on between you two that you're not telling us?"

Tom didn't bother to answer his question as he looked around set, the worry in him increasing when he saw no sign of you. "Where is she?"

"I think she went back to her trailer. Wait where are yo—"

"I'll explain later." Tom called out as he ran out of set. He needed to find you and set things straight. Tom needs to tell you the full truth, tell you what's he's been feeling the past year. He wasn't going to let himself make the same mistake twice.

* * *

Sobs raked your body as you rest your back against the door, knees held to your chest in a curling position. Your eyes burning with your lungs as you cried and cried, because even if you tried to stop, you just couldn't. You couldn't find the will to erase the thought of him leaving you. That image has burned itself in your mind and it hurts, so fucking bad and you just want it to go away.

A whine from the opposite side made you lift your head up from your knees, eyebrows furrowing together once you heard it again, but louder this time. "Tessa?" You sniffled, and she barked in confirmation, scratching at the door in an attempt to get to you. Your frown deepened at the sound of her crying on the other side. She knows fully well when you're upset, and she will do anything to be beside you no matter what. It was such a sweet thing she does. Tessa's been there beside you whenever she finds you crying, she was your comfort buddy, and today, that still hasn't changed.

You stood back up to undo the lock to let her in, ready to have her hugs and kisses because they always make you feel better, but when you pulled it open, you weren't only greeted by her, he was standing right there too.

Before you could even slam the door shut he had already pushed the door wider and made his way inside, shutting it just behind him, and you made sure to step back, putting some much needed distance between you two. Of course he did. Tessa was in his trailer, there was no other way she could've gotten out without his help.

"You are a fucking dickhead for you using Tessa as bait Tom." You growled in pure annoyance, wiping away your tears aggressively as you wrapped your arms around yourself, avoiding his eyes at all costs as you stood right beside the couch where Tessa was laying down, just watching you with attentive eyes. You gave her a soft pat, distracting yourself from the man who stood there.

"I just need to talk to you, and I know you won't open the door if it was me." He was making his way towards you, but you were quick to hold your palm up, stopping him in his tracks and only making it halfway. You couldn't bear to be near him, at least not yet. Tom nodded, staying in his place as a soft sigh left his lips, "Please–"

"There's nothing left to talk about Tom." Your voice was hoarse, tears still falling down your face but not as much as before. "Yes there fucking is." He argued, desperation running through him as he tried his luck, taking another step forward. Tom just wants to be near you, to hold you and he almost shouted in glee when you didn't stop him.

"What do you want from me Tom?" You whispered, willing yourself to look at him, but only for a split second, because you couldn't bear to see his face without bursting into full on sobs again. But still, you saw it, the sadness in his features, and your walls were slowly cracking.

Tom kept inching closer and closer, and he was both relief and scared because it seemed like you weren't putting up a fight anymore, like you've somehow given up.

You were tired, both emotionally and physically, so you didn't bother to take a step back once he grew nearer. You were tired of running, maybe it was time for you to finally face him.

"I just want you to hear me out, please." Tom whispered, shaking hands slowly reaching out to hold your arms, and you let him. You let him touch you, the heat of his palms comforting you in some odd way. He was so close now and you know if you did as much as look up, you'd see nothing but his eyes, so you didn't, you can't yet. You glued your gaze on the ground, just seeing the tips of his shoes almost touching with yours, it was that close.

"You had time before to reach out Tom. Why now?" Your voice was low but broken, a question that's been in the back of your head the moment he set foot inside your trailer. "Because you looked happier and I didn't want to ruin it. I thought that you were better off without me."

You let out a sarcastic laugh, probably making you look like a complete lunatic with the tears covering your cheeks but you didn't care. Of course you look happy on screen. You had to. To fool the world and yourself, but it was always a lie, what you've shown online was just a glimpse of your life, not the full truth. "Well, clearly, I wasn't. Aren't you?"

"Fuck no. I wasn't happy without you. I know you probably won't believe me but I wasn't Y/N. I will never be better off without you." You only sniffled, still shaking your head, still not believing his words and Tom can't blame you. But he needs you to hear what he has to say, so when you stayed quiet, Tom took this opportunity to just let out what he's been holding in for how many months now.

"Darling I'm sorry, for everything that I've ever done and said to you. Fuck I know sorry doesn't even cut it but I am, I truly am sorry for hurting you my love." You let out a soft whimper at the nickname, eyes shutting tight as you shook your head at him. "Tom please don't–"

"No, no, I need you to hear this Y/N." Tom's hand went up to brush a hair behind your ear, then coming down to hold your chin up for you to look at him. It already hurts him so much just seeing you cry, and it stabbed his heart repeatedly just staring back at your pain filled eyes, the glow in them snuffed out and replaced by this broken soul.

Tom took one shaky breath before continuing. "What I did was horrible, and I know that it won't be easy for you to forgive me, and I understand if you won't ever. Hell I can't even forgive myself for what I did. I was stupid, fucking stupid for hurting you like that. I was a completely idiot for leaving you. You didn't deserve the way I treated you. You didn't deserve to get hurt like that at all. If could go back in time and take everything I said back, I would. The things that I've said, I didn't mean them, truly. I was so blinded, I was angry and got carried away, but still that's not an excuse. What I said was not okay, and it will never be. And I truly am sorry darling, I truly am."

Tom's voice broke at the end of his sentence, his heart clenching as he tried his best not to cry. He couldn't bear the thought of hurting you like that, it pains him just thinking about what he's put you through. The sheer amount of guilt and heartbreak was swallowing him whole and fast. Then there was also anger. He was so angry at himself for doing that to you, but what's done is done. The only thing he could do now was think about what lies ahead, hopefully, with you back in his arms.

"Y/N, I want you to know that... no, I need you to know that I still love you, I've never stopped loving you." Tom couldn't stop the tears from escaping his eyes, his bottom lip quivering as he spoke the words. The sob that you let out only broke his heart even more, your firm hands pressing against his chest as you tried to push him back. "No no no, you're just saying that. You don't mean that. Please don't lie to me Tom, please don't."

Tom shook his head as he bit his bottom lip to suppress a whimper. Both of his hands finding its way up to cup your face, wiping your tears away with his thumb as he pressed his forehead against yours. You kept your eyes shut tight, not finding even the smallest of strength to open them to see his face, looking at you so longingly.

"Look at me, baby, look at me." He pleaded, wanting you to see right through him, to look into his eyes and see the truth.

You took a few deep breaths as you wrapped your trembling fingers around his wrists, forcing yourself to open your eyes and gaze into his tear-filled brown orbs.

"I'm not lying to you. I love you, gosh I'm still madly in love with you Y/N." He breathed out with so much emotion, his words coming out as a soft whisper, but the truth was there, strong and firm for you not to miss it.

And who on earth were you kidding? Of course you still love him, you always have. And for the first time in a year, you let your heart take control over your brain; allowing you to push yourself up and let your lips capture his in a kiss filled with need and so much passion.

Tom was quick to kiss back, strong arms wrapping around your form as he pulled you closer to his body, his head spinning at the feeling of your warms lips back on his own after so long. Your fingers were lost in the mesh of his curls, the kiss wet due to a few more tears but neither of you cared because it felt like it belonged, like you two were finally home.

"I missed you so much." Tom groaned against your lips, walking you back slowly until you've reach the bedroom of your trailer, a slight confusion washing over you because the couch was right there, not that you're in a hurry or anything but... "Why–"

"Tessa." And with that he kicked the door shut, his action an enough answer because as much as you love the dog, she does have a habit of disturbing. A sweet giggle came out of you and Tom felt his heart melt at the beautiful sound, especially when it was filled with nothing but genuine amusement.

But that giggle was soon replaced by a soft gasp as Tom dipped his head to bring his kisses down to your neck, his hands pushing your jacket off your shoulders and letting it fall down the floor. That was when everything in your head got clouded, his lips on your skin a good enough distraction for both of you not to think straight.

Your hands found its way under his shirt, a shiver running down Tom's whole body because they were cold, but not for long. He shrugged his own jacket off and pushed you further back, the back of your knees hitting the edge of the bed allowing you to fall down the mattress with a soft thump. Tom pulled his shirt over his head and didn't waste a second more as he crawled on top of you right after, lips back on yours hungrily as he situated himself in-between your legs, your dress hiking up when you wrapped them around his waist.

Your fingers were tracing up and down his bare torso, Tom smirking between the kiss as he felt you run it over his toned abs. You bit his bottom lip as a warning to not be cocky, earning a deep groan from him, his hand coming down your thighs to give them a firm squeeze, the temperature in the room only getting higher as the clock ticked by.

But before any of you could take it a step further, a loud knock echoed itself on the whole trailer. Both of you wanted to ignore it but a voice soon then followed. "Tom, are you in there?"

The boy groaned as he buried his face on the crook of your neck, the two of you completely forgetting where you are as of the moment. Tom took deep breaths to calm himself down, your fingers running through the back of his head, playing with his hair as you did the same.

Once Tom caught his breath, he spoke, a hint of annoyance coating his voice. "What is it Harry?"

"They're looking for the both of you."

Tom sighed, propping himself up to look at you fully, beautiful face all flushed and he couldn't have seen a more gorgeous sight. "Be out in a minute." He called out, never letting his eyes off of you as if you'll disappear if he does, even for a split second. You didn't dare to move nor let out a single word. You just stared right into his eyes, so many emotions swimming in them but one that made your heart grow is the clear look of love, and for once, you felt safe under his gaze, safe and home.

"Come home with me tonight?" Tom asked shyly, fingers tracing your jaw in a loving manner. You thought about it for a second, all the doubt suddenly rushing back to you along with your brain just yelling at you to be extra careful, and you knew you just had to clear your head first before jumping right in the deep end. "Tom, I think I need to thin–"

"I know darling, I know. But please, just give me tonight. After that, I'll give you all the time and space that you need." You sighed knowing fully well you can't ever resist him, closing your eyes for a moment before nodding. A breath of relief escaped Tom's lips just as he presses it back on yours, but this time it was soft and sweet, kind of like a reassurance that he will be right here until you fully take him back, no matter how long that would take.

Tom unwillingly pulled away before things get heated again, standing up fully as he grabbed his shirt off the floor along with his jacket and slipping it on. He turned back to you with a sweet smile, offering both hands for you to take, interlacing your fingers in his once you did.

"Come on, we've got some explaining to do."

-:-:-:-:-

Like & Reblog if you enjoyed and let me know what you think! <3

[leeholtwrites]

Red Queen: Chapter 15

So, last time I found a worthy target for some anger in an otherwise “meh” YA book. I mean, this book is really, really cliche on a level that even I can barely forgive, and I recognized that tropes are important to defining genre, but I hadn’t found anything yet that made me angry. Then Dickbag happened.

If you have a better nickname for him, please comment below.

Horse is startled awake by her servant, Walsh. I’m not sure I remember mentioning her before, but she has a servant who is a Red. And startled is an understatement. Horse almost downright Tazers the poor woman in shock.

Horse gets out of bed, trying to apologize to the woman because she’s not completely the worst, and Walsh just mouths “Rise, Red as the dawn” to her (because of course she does) before shoving a teacup of water into Horse’s hand.

“And at the bottom of the cup, a piece of paper bleeds ink. The ink swirls as I read the message, the water leeching it away, erasing any trace, until there’s nothing but cloudy, gray liquid and a blank curl of paper. No evidence of my first act of rebellion.”

Apparently the paper said “Midnight,” but that isn’t my gripe. She knows there are cameras in the room. Isn’t it going to be suspicious that she just stares into her teacup before setting it aside? Also, the thing with prisoners, especially if you have people serving her that might sympathize with her, usually trays and food are searched. So either the writer wants us to know that the king isn’t having her service checked for anything from the political dissidents running around that he knows about just in case they might contact her, or the writer is just not smart enough to think about that. 

If you couldn’t tell by now, there are a lot of similar YA set ups involving political intrigue, but the writers don’t really think things through or do their research enough to make it convincing. In this situation, someone would need to dispose of the ink-paper trick in the room filled with cameras. So unless that ink is drinkable, and someone (Horse) drinks it, what is Walsh going to do with it? 

Maybe I’m overthinking this. Whatever. It just feels stupid.

There is a new schedule on Horse’s nightstand. Horse now has training just as Cal said she would. She’s impressed that he worked so fast. As Lucas walks her to training (I’m assuming because the time line is awful at the moment) he warns her to be careful because the trainers are brutal. Then we find out he entered the army at nine.

Okay, what is with YA and child soldiers. Is that just another shortcut for Current Administration Bad? HUNGER GAMES did it to make a point, but here its just another thing for the writer - fuck it - Aveyard to be all “War is bad, m’kay?”

“But Lucas shrugs like it’s nothing. ‘The front is the best place for training. Even the princes were trained at the front, for a time.’

“‘But you’re here now,’ I say.... ‘You’re not a soldier anymore.’

For the first time, Lucas’s dry smile disappears completely. ‘It wears on you.’... ‘Men aren’t meant to be at war for long.’

‘And what about Reds?’ I hear myself ask.... ‘Can they stand war better than Silvers?’“

I’m just going to lay down right here and try not to start shredding this book. First, you train people before you send them to battle so they know what they’re doing. Second, how old are the princes? When did they go? They’re not even the age of a modern US enlistee (18). Like, what the fuck? Also, why would you stick the goddamn crown princes on the front line? Are you trying to destroy the  royal lineage?

I have been reduced to rhetorical questions. 

And then Lucas answers:

“... looking a little uncomfortable. ‘That’s the way the world works. Reds serve, Reds work, Reds fight. It’s what they’re good at. It’s what they’re meant to do.’”

Nice on the casual classism. 

“Not everyone is special.”

I wish this book understood that more, what with 3 guys lusting after our lovely protag.

Horse gets mad at him, but mostly just brushes him off. Lucas notices her feelings and warns her that he if he doesn’t have the luxury of asking questions, than neither does she, even going so far as to use her new name.

Lucas will not ask questions. Despite his black eyes, his Silver blood, his Samos family, he will not pull at the thread that could unravel my existence.

This confuses me. Her italics thought bubble at the beginning feels more like a criticism than Horse’s realization that Lucas won’t do anything that will hurt her, even going so far as to try to help her understand how silvers Silvers think and how controlling their upper echelons are. I mean, its pretty clumsily done, but I get what Aveyard was going for. The italics double don’t work because this book is in first person. We’re in Horse’s head. We don’t need thought bubbles. The whole thing is a thought bubble!

Second, “Silver blood” or “silver blood?” I feel like it should be the second. Just saying.

Lucas also continues to sympathetic, making all the woman hate even more pronounced.

Le sigh.

At training, Horse is handed what sounds like a Lycra jumpsuit before entering what sounds like my university gym. Multi-storied, lots of equipment, dozens of baby-faced young adults in better shape than I am. Of course, all those college students are more mature than most of the people in this book, and mind their own damn business.

Unlike Polarity Princess.

The moment Horse walks in, PP drops what she’s doing to mock her. She is of course joined by her mean girl club in the process. We’re spared because Horse ignores her and immediately goes to find Maven. They talk a little, mostly about what their life will entail after they leave and the ball before they leave - which leads to dancing and how Silver girls are the worst.

Maven then asks how her visit with her family went. She tells him it was difficult because she found out one of her brothers was executed before they were all released. Mavey places his hand on hers, apologizes, and says he that he’s sure he didn’t deserve it because the guy Silvers aren’t shit heads.

Then for a moment Horse thinks he might be able to read minds, which leads to this little detail:

Few silvers Silvers inherit abilities from their mothers, and no one had more than one ability.

The low key misogyny is killing me.

And if Maven turns out to be the evil prince, he’s totally going to have his moms abilities. Watch. Or at least that’s what I would do.

Hey, I never said I wrote capital L literature. 

We get some more description about powers. Shades can bend light around themselves for invisibility. Windweaver says exactly what you think it does, and that is probably the least lame power name so far, while also not belonging at all. Then you have eyes, which have limited precognition. You know, they can see the next 5 seconds or something. If I remember right (and my Teen Titan’s knowledge is rusty) Rose Wilson has that ability. I’m still confused what a silk is. They still sounds like a D&D Rogue. Or a hunska from Red Sister. (Go read that instead. It’s written by a dude and has 100% less misogyny and a 99% female cast.)

A soft voice orders them into a line, followed by an old man with Cal and a telekinetic boy. I refuse to call them “telkies.” It sounds like something I would put on a baby’s butt for diaper rash. The old man is her trainer, and apparently used to oversee executions. Turns out this was because he’s a null - he nullifies powers, or turns them off as the book puts it. 

He can reduce a Silver to what they hate most: a Red. He can turn their abilities off. He can make them normal.

All that wealth and privilege, but removing their powers can make them normal. If only it were that simple. It’s almost like this book doesn’t understand power structures at all.

They begin to run laps. Horse is happy it’s something she recognizes until it isn’t when a piece of wall swings out and slams her in the stomach. She’s startled, but manages to keep up. And before you think this is some cool tech, the telekinetic controls the pieces.

Their powers return, and a gun barrel without the actual gun part rises from the floor.

Only the telky’s power makes it move, not some greater, strange technology. The abilities are all they have.

I thought they were defined by having power and Reds having tech. Why is this a new revelation to you? Unless this is book treating the reader like an idiot again.

Horse is called forward for target practice first, and again we hear about how special she is because she can create electricity despite bio-electricity being a thing. She misses the first target but hits the second. PP is a bitch who won’t clap. The instructor moves onto the next instead of patting her on the back. I can’t tell if this is supposed to be a bad thing.

The work out calls wore her out, but she’s still happy for it. Happier for the quietness of Julian’s class, even though the moving time means she’s closer to her midnight meet up. When she arrives, he has book labeled with years. Turns out they’re death records for the war. She knows her executed brother probably isn’t in them, and makes the lamp flick on an off in her distress. Julian asks her why, and she says its the new schedule. He says she did fine today, she gets cranky about him asking to be there, and he uses her power on her to calm her down.

Horse is upset he does this, and he explains he’s the last Singer. They can control people as long as they hear them. (Found the Bards.) Julian launches into how his sister married the king for love, not by Queenstrial, and how they could talk their way to the throne, but didn’t because they’re nice.

I don’t honesty hate this, but there are so many toxic women in this book that we see on a regular basis that it makes me sad that the one that sounds non-toxic is dead.

Horse relates to Julian, mentioning Shade and how he was executed. Julian tells her that they “removed” his sister too and will do it to anyone that gets in the way. He warns her that over-throwing them would take too much planning and luck, and to not get over her head. She knows that she’s already in deep, but doesn’t tell him this.

I actually kind of liked this scene because Horse behaves like a person. Even Julian just comes across as sad and lonely. I just wish that Julian was a woman so Horse could have a relationship with the same sex that wasn’t pure hate. We don’t see her family enough to matter. I think that’s one of the things that bugs me about this book the most. Most of the women are bad, and most of the men are good. Why? Just... why?

Next time, Horse has her midnight meeting.

[longforgottenunofficial]

Here Comes the...Never Mind, She’s Here: Constance and the Hatchet Man

Updated March 2015

(photo: Jeff Fillmore)

Like I said last time, the Constance addition is an ambitious attempt to expand the Mansion's backstory and solidify it.  The attic bride now has a name (Constance Hatchaway) and a definite story.  She's a "black widow" bride, marrying five men in succession (or at least five) and beheading each on their wedding night (Sigmund Freud, call your office).  Each man is more wealthy than the last, and Connie's accumulating fortune is symbolized by the addition of a new string of pearls around her neck in each successive wedding portrait.  Her junk now clogs the attic.  Mostly wedding gifts.  There are some cute items amidst the clutter, like this porcelain couple with the man fallen and with his head broken off.

Here's the grim tally:

1869:  Ambrose Harper

1872:  Frank Banks

1874:  The Marquis de Doom

1875:  Reginald Caine

1877:  George Hightower

There are official mini-bio's for each man (cf. Surrell 2nd ed., p. 84); the most interesting fact is that George is expressly said to be a former owner of the house, implying that Connie inherited it.  Evidently, before it became a retirement home for ghosts, the Haunted Mansion was Connie's residence.  As if to emphasize the point, the widow portrait in the stretching room is now officially recognized as a portrait of Constance.  The resemblance between it and the last wedding portrait in the attic is obvious.

Objection, your honor:  The Constance ghost is clearly still a young woman, while the stretch-room widow was just as clearly a senior citizen before she died.  In addition, isn't the plot simply too far-fetched?  You're saying there were five identical and sensational murders on Connie's successive wedding nights, and no one caught on?  Were the latter suitors such dolts?  And were the police brain dead?  There are limits to our suspension of disbelief. I'm no fan of the Connie thing, but I will say that these objections hold no water.  The notion that ghosts appear as they appeared at the time of their death is not the only popular notion out there.  There is also the idea that ghosts haunt because there is unfinished earthly business that must be resolved before they can "cross over," and perhaps they appear as they appeared at the time of that unfinished business, which may have occurred well before death.  In Connie's case, it's an unavenged murder spree from her youth. That too is a concept not unknown to ghost lore:

From The Reader magazine, 1904 (hat tip Craig C.)

Interestingly enough, Ken Anderson invokes this ghost theory in one of his 1957 scripts: "... our house had a tragic and bloody history of unlucky owners who died sudden and violent deaths, which resulted in their unhappy ghosts remaining behind to fulfill the uncompleted missions of their lives." As for the preposterousness of the plot, it all becomes plausible when we throw money into the equation.  Bribe the police, bribe the judges, remove any public record of the crime or its investigation, falsify death certificates, and presto: a clean slate for the next victim.  Sure, she would have needed a good missing-and-presumed-dead story the first time (a teary-eyed Constance describes how Ambrose fell into the river on their honeymoon), and the second time would have demanded a cop or judge who could be bought pretty cheap (perhaps she used, er, other assets as well?), but after that she probably had enough wealth piling up to cover her tracks easily.  As for how suitor #4 or #5 could be foolish enough to marry a widow whose previous husbands managed to disappear so quickly after the wedding, well...she's got a pretty face, see, and a certain wiggly-wag.... Objections overruled. How did they cook up such an idea in the first place?  To begin, mad female ax murderers are nothing new on the radar screen of public cultural consciousness.  Lizzie Borden and all that.

Closer to home, once again we find an interesting changing-portrait concept in the huge pile of unused material left behind by Marc Davis.  He came up with a macabre version of a famous portrait by Thomas Gainsborough.  So popular was "The Honourable Mrs. Graham" in its day that Gainsborough did several versions of it, including an etching:

It doesn't take much imagination to see inspiration for Constance in Davis's spoof:

(Artwork ©Disney.  Animated gif by Captain Halfbeard) Another inspiration for Constance hidden in the WDI vaults is the long-forgotten "Mr. Meaker," a character concept unknown until the recent discovery of a crude notebook sketch by Dick Irvine (VP of Design at WDI from '52—'73) . . .

. . . and this accompanying description:  "Mr. Meaker was a very simple man who lost each of his five wives in a very tragic manner.  They died in bed—apparently of natural causes.  Mr. Meaker's only compensation was that his wives were all insured.  He smothered them with affection." Here the tour guide throws a switch and the canopy of a nearby bed descends.  The tour guide continues:  "One night he was testing the mechanism while his cat was sleeping on the bed.  When Mr. Meaker found out that he had killed his pet, he was heartbroken.  He hanged himself." It's not hard to see a male version of Constance in certain details of this outline.  It's curious that he hanged himself, because if the HM's hanging man was already considered the Ghost Host at this point (and he probably was), then this backstory identifies the Ghost Host with Mr. Meaker.  This opens up a can of interesting worms, but we'll tackle that one a little further down.  (Actually, I've never tackled a worm and would decline any invitation so to do.  The unfair weight advantage, for one thing, would take all the joy out of it for me.) One of the most important factors shaping the creation of Constance, however, was inspiration drawn right from the existing ride.  I have no doubt whatsoever that the Imagineers involved would respond to the criticism of Constance as an unwanted intrusion by pointing out that, on the contrary, they are zealous traditionalists with the highest possible respect for what the original Imagineers created.  In expanding the backstory, they definitely wanted their addition to stay true to what was already there. And they have a good case, so far as it goes. First, Connie is a throwback to the original, scarier bride, skipping over and ignoring the forlorn 1995-2006 models in favor of their darker predecessors.   On our own analysis, the original attic scene gave you just enough clues to conclude that the bride killed her groom via decapitation.  The Hat Box Ghost goes topless to the tune of her lub dub, lub dub, remember? Secondly, the Constance narrative seizes on the two items from the original HM that indicate a history prior to the "retirement home" story and it weaves the two together into a single story, so you could argue that the Connie story tidies things up a bit.  I'm talking about (1) the Ghost Host's ambiguous tie to the house on the one hand (actually, it's his neck, but let that slide), and (2) the attic's tale of some kind of nuptial homicide on the other.  Everything else in the HM is part of the three-act play taking place on the stage of "this ghostly retreat." The Ghost Host connection is largely unspecified at this point, but there is every indication that it is waiting in the wings, ready to be rolled out as time and funds permit.  That's right, people, there is another shoe waiting to drop.  There are more chapters to the Constance saga up WDI's sleeve, so you had better get used to her.  If her role is destined to change at all, it is only in order to expand it further.  Do I have an inside line on this undisclosed sequel?  Nope, but I can tell you that it will involve a character sometimes called the "Hatchet Man." The Hatchet Man A creepy portrait of a man with a noose around his neck and a hatchet in his hand has been in the DL Corridor of Doors since the place opened.

Do not doubt the word of your blog administrator.  Here is Hatch in a rare 1969 photo:

The Orlando HM has had Hatch since the day it opened, but as one of the "Sinister 11" portraits rather than in the Corridor of Doors:

This guy is the Ghost Host.  First, the concept art for this character reportedly identifies him explicitly as the "Ghost Host," and second, the hanging corpse in the stretching gallery is scrupulously dressed so as to match the Hatchet Man, and of course the hanging man is the GH ("there's always my way").  This is a good example of WDI overkill for the sake of "making it real," since guests can't possibly see this.

Oh, and incidentally, the Hatchet Man is one of those rare cases where you can point your finger directly at a piece of outside art that inspired it.  Davis modeled him on "The Old Witch" from Tales From the Crypt comic books.  Betcha didn't know that.  Sheesh, Marc, this one isn't even subtle.

There are at least three indications that WDI is preparing to raise the profile of this character considerably.  First, his face is showing up elsewhere.  Reportedly, when the Constance attic makeover took place at DL, plans included alterations to the Séance circle as well.  The faces of Connie's husbands would be seen materializing around the perimeter, or something like that.  It didn't happen.  Either the report was false, or this part of the project was postponed for one reason or another (funding? technical feasibility? manpower? scheduling?).  We did get a new effect in there, however, as the wandering Ectoplasm Ball began making faces at us.  There were more than one, but one of them was Hatch:

Why him?  Secondly, some guys from WDI just showed up one day and put a Hatchet Man portrait in the Corridor of Doors at the WDW Mansion.  According to my sources, it was a complete surprise to the Florida folk.  Bam.  Now Orlando has a portrait similar to the one at DL.  Hatch was already represented there as one of the "Sinister 11," so why this one as well?  Not only that, but a dimension has been added to his character.  Previously, you could say that his hatchet was simply the implement by which he cut his ties to the house.  But now, he's wielding it as a frightening weapon—note the shadow.

Thirdly—and this one is more subtle—WDI has apparently adopted a zero-tolerance policy toward any identification of the Ghost Host with any other character, specifically, a certain Master Gracey.  Among Mansion fans there's a very popular belief that the character in the following painting is named "Master Gracey" and that he is the Ghost Host.  Neither of these is official; it's purely fan-generated Mansion lore.

For years WDI has looked upon this with a certain bemused tolerance, and in fact the name "Master Gracey" has risen to the level of, I dunno, what you might call semi-official sanction.  But any suggestion that he is the Ghost Host has been ruthlessly suppressed in recent years.  When they put up a construction sign at the WDW Mansion during the massive refurb of 2007 that identified the Ghost Host as "Master Gracey"—dude, somebody got a stern email from On High, because they had to go to the trouble and expense of fixing the sign to eliminate this boo-boo.  We're talking about a temporary construction sign here.

Now you see it...now you don't.

(photos by Pickwickgrl) Sheesh, that's tight.  "Who told them to change it?"  "Top men."  "Yes, but who?"  "TOP.  MEN."

And consider this dismaying observation.  Jason Surrell had a loosey-goosey attitude about this whole business in his first edition (2003) of The Haunted Mansion: From the Magic Kingdom to the Movies.  Speaking of the WDW Mansion, Surrell says: "As guests enter the Foyer, their attention is drawn to a formal portrait of the master of the house hanging on the wall above the fireplace.  The master is the Ghost Host himself, or Master Gracey, if you go by the name on one of the tombstones in the family plot, although that is not the official story."

But between that edition and the second edition (2009), some Top Men evidently had a little clarification session with Mr. S. "As guests enter the Foyer, their attention is drawn to a formal portrait of the master of the house hanging on the wall above the fireplace.  Contrary to another popular theory that has made the rounds over the years, the Ghost Host is not the master of the house—Gracey or otherwise—but merely one of 999 happy haunts."

And Jason—no fool he—gets to keep both kneecaps.

The most obvious reason for the crackdown is that the real Ghost Host is going to make a more formal entrance sometime in the future, and he's the sinister-looking Hatchet Man, not some dandy named "Master Gracey."  How all this will tie into the Constance saga is unknown at this point, but they do make a charming couple with their mutual hatchet fetish, and I find it curious that a previous concept for the Ghost Host (Mr. Meaker) is in some ways a mirror-reflection of the future bride Constance, although I'm probably better advised to put that one down to coincidence.

One way or another, it appears that WDI is preparing to tie together the Ghost Host and the attic bride in a single backstory that tells the history of the HM before it became a ghostly retreat for wandering spirits from all over the world. UPDATE (March 2015) It's been several years now, and the second shoe has yet to drop. It may never. You see, the man I am sure was behind the implementation of this backstory is no longer in the position to do so. He's transferred to somewhere else in WDI now, and so far there is no evidence that the new boss is interested in developing the master plan of the old boss. Alas, the glowing face effect in the Séance Circle has fallen into neglect and disrepair, and merchandise identifying the Ghost Host with "Master Gracey" appeared on the shelves in conjunction with the Mansion's 45th anniversary. It's true that Merchandising tends to do its own thing and thumb its ignorant nose at WDI, but I'm pretty sure the previous guy would have put the kibosh on such heretical items. 

Originally Posted: Saturday, June 5, 2010 Original Link: [x]

[nigeiadigitalmarketingcompany]

Apollo Doth Protest Too Much: Our Leon Black-Jeff Epstein Post Elicits Intervention by Apollo’s Flack

Digital Elixir Apollo Doth Protest Too Much: Our Leon Black-Jeff Epstein Post Elicits Intervention by Apollo’s Flack

Many readers have been following with prurient interest the saga of serial child-rapist Jeffrey Epstein, and in particular media speculation connected to the Very Important People whose names and personal contacts appear in Epstein’s “Little Black Book,” seized by the FBI and currently publicly archived here, courtesy Jon Cook of Gawker. One listing that got a lot of attention was that of billionaire Leon Black, founder of private equity heavyweight Apollo.

After the black book became public, the press dug deeper into the long-standing relationship between Black and Epstein, with the Wall Street Journal, Bloomberg, and more recently, the New York Times weighing in.

In a sign that Apollo is in the public relations version of Defcon 1 over l’affaire Epstein, we got a call and an e-mail from Apollo’s hired mouthpiece, insinuating that we really should have talked to them. Had the PR professional bothered even a cursory look into our work on Apollo or private equity generally, he might have realized that contacting us could be counterproductive, particularly since no financial firm has ever deigned to muscle take official interest in this humble website.1

If you’re up to speed on Leon Black and Epstein, you can skip over the next section.

The Plot Thus Far

It wasn’t just that Black’s name appeared in Epstein’s famed black book. Since 1997, Epstein served as an “original trustee” of the Leon Black Family Foundation. Black has disavowed state filings that listed Epstein as on the board through 2012, years after Epstein pleaded guilty in 2008 to solicitation of prostitution. Black claims the state filings were inaccurate and said he asked Epstein to resign in 2007.

This relationship alone is enough to raise eyebrows. Men at Black’s level are hyper-attentive to their personal wealth. The notion Leon Black, who has access to the best tax experts in the world, and himself is a renowned financier, would hire someone with no credentials in tax or accounting to advise on his affairs would seem nonsensical had it not actually happened.

More bad news dripped out. The Wall Street Journal published a long expose, Jeffrey Epstein Burrowed Into the Lives of the Rich and Made a Fortune, Bloomberg reported Jeffrey Epstein Had a Door Into Apollo: His Deep Ties With Leon Black, with insider accounts of how Epstein was permitted to approach Apollo principals to pitch his “tax strategies”. An individual mentioned as hosting one meeting disputed that it had occurred. Black a denial that didn’t address a key Bloomberg claim: that Black had allowed Epstein to solicit senior executives at Apollo. Black merely said that Epstein had never done business with Apollo.2

Black first sent an e-mail to employees, then wrote his investors, then read the employee e-mail as part of Apollo’s quarterly conference call. The investor presentation failed to address a New York Times account that a Black-controlled entity had given $10 million to an Epstein charity in 2015.

In addition to covering this ground in a post last week, we also described how CalPERS has featured in this story:, making pious shows of discomfort and earnestly seeking an explanation. We reminded readers that Apollo was central to CalPERS’ decline, by virtue of Apollo’s and four other investment firms with ties to Apollo’s mind-bogglingly large “pay to play” fees by CalPERS that funded bribes to CalPERS’ CEO, eventually landing him in Federal prison. Using some conservative assumptions, it also looks as if CalPERS was had by Apollo in the deal Apollo proposed to kiss and make up. We’d anticipated that outcome when we wrote about the CalPERS pay to play scandal in 2014.

The Flack Call and E-Mail

We received this voicemail at 10:02 EDT when our post had gone live 4:20 AM:

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/voice-message.wav

And this e-mail immediately thereafter:

Hello Mr. Webber,

I left a voice mail message for you at Aurora introducing myself as well. I am the spokesperson for Apollo Global Management here in New York. Always please feel free to call us for fair comment prior to publication. We are always available to talk on a not-for-attribution basis to go over facts for accuracy and context and in some cases offer an on-the-record comment in the face of criticism.

Many thanks for your consideration.

Best, Charles.

Charles V. Zehren | Executive Vice President RUBENSTEIN

This is amusing on so many levels I don’t know where to begin. Zehren makes no formal objection to what’s in our post, but he is trying to sell the idea that anyone who writes about Apollo ought to ring in….to get not-on-the-record comments. When we seek comments on posts with original reporting, we operate only on an on the record basis.

In this case, all of the facts in our piece were previously reported and not corrected or retracted, so there were no “facts to go over”. Since when do op-ed writers, which is the category in which this post would have fallen in a newspaper, check in with the subjects of their op-eds?

But clearly, Zehren lives in a world populated by access and trade journalists who regularly write up big company press releases and planted stories. Those writers are over there.

The “Mr. Webber” is very inattentive. Zehren had just called and left a voicemail for one “Susan Webber,” and he started his message with “Mrs.” Does he think women don’t write about finance, and that Susan Webber is the wife or sister of the moving force behind the blog, who obviously must be male?

Even though Zehren did manage to track down the Aurora Advisors phone number, presumably from our antique website (which I keep up only for its archive of articles in the 1990s and early-mid 2000s), he didn’t look at the bios, where the only Webber is female.

But the really rich part is the notion that Apollo is entitled to a “fair comment”. Did Apollo have any concern for fairness when it bankrupted companies like Caesars, Hexion, and Claire’s, resulting in job and pension losses, including lawsuits accusing Apollo of acting in bad faith, as with CEVA Logistics? How fair was Apollo when it failed to inform investors about termination of monitoring fees and had to cough up a record $52.8 million in SEC fines and disgorgements? Even the normally finance-friendly Matt Levine of Bloomberg fame made clear that monitoring and other portfolio company fees are an exercise in extraction (emphasis his):

The basic idea is that private-equity firms charge their portfolio companies a “monitoring fee” for … monitoring them? It seems silly to insist on a reason. They charge the monitoring fee to get more money. They could charge portfolio companies a Fee For Being Nice Guys, and the portfolio companies would cheerfully pay up….They can send a portfolio company a bill, and then send themselves back some money.

We could go on, but you get the picture. Apollo for once is faced with a problem it can’t solve by using its ginormous checkbook, so it falls back on spurious requests for fairness. Help me.

Moreover, as established readers know, we’ve been writing about private equity regularly and critically since 2013. We’ve published 25 limited partnership agreements, documents the industry implausibly insists are trade secrets in their entirely, including one for a recent Apollo flagship fund, Apollo Investment Fund VIII, L.P., aka Apollo VIII. We’ve had six other posts with “Apollo” in the headline, and also discussed Apollo’s conduct at length in the aforementioned 2014 post on the CalPERS pay to play scandal.

So why the interest now, particularly since Google algo changes have downgraded articles by small sites like our, no matter how on point they are relative to search terms? It’s pretty clear from Mr. Zehren’s dilatory contact that his mission from Apollo entails trying to push the Apollo party line, even to people who a cursory inspection of their record would show they’d be unreceptive and perhaps even annoyed at the re-education attempt.

Maybe Apollo is concerned that Naked Capitalism is about to move up in the Google search criteria.

____

1 There is one exception that proves the rule. We got a call from an in-house lawyer at Oak Hill Capital Partners asking us to take their limited partnership agreement down. It was a very short call. The lawyer’s voice had the tired sound of knowing she’d been asked to do something that wasn’t going to work. My recollection is she tried arguing that the limited partnership agreement was confidential. I said, “Are you kidding? It’s been up for eighteen months.” I said I didn’t engage with lawyers on the phone, that she needed to deal with me in writing and the limited partnership agreements were staying up. I never heard anything more.

2 The Wall Street Journal makes the notion that Black would use Epstein seem not crazy:

Around 1995, Mr. Epstein brought his staff to meet with Apollo Global Management LLC, a private-equity firm run by Leon Black, to pitch his company as an ideal service for Apollo’s wealthy clients, including tax strategy. “He found every single provision that could justifiably be utilized, and he worked with some very smart tax lawyers,” said a person who attended the meeting.

But even then Black would have had access to top tax attorneys; clever tax structuring is a big part of private equity’s returns. So why would he need to pay a markup to get them through Epstein?

The Bloomberg story depicts Apollo’s executives reacting as you’d expect:

Almost a decade after Jeffrey Epstein was first accused of preying on young women, he still had access to the inner sanctum of Apollo Global Management.

Leon Black, Apollo’s billionaire chairman, met with the financier from time to time at the company’s New York offices, and he allowed Epstein to pitch personal tax strategies to the firm’s executives, according to people familiar with the matter.

The executives were puzzled. Why invite Epstein, a registered sex offender since 2009, into one of Wall Street’s most powerful private equity firms? What services could he possibly provide?

Apollo Doth Protest Too Much: Our Leon Black-Jeff Epstein Post Elicits Intervention by Apollo’s Flack

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[sonicpositive]

@bowlerhatwearer:

I hope you don’t mind that I’m already now submitting my FC/OC for Fancharacter Friday ^^

Once again an OC/FC I will (if I finally find time in writing) use in one of my Archie Sonic Fanfictions I have in mind. ^^

I think I read once that you also would give critical reviews if I remember right for fan characters and It would be a honor if you could give me your opinion. (It would be nice if somone would tell me what they think of my OC/FC ^^)

~~~

Name: Gearoli (aka Diver Class Unit Nr. 23) Age: Created at least 10 ago Species: Robot Height: 1,53 meters Weight:  Assumed to be 65 kilogramm (144 pounds)

Appearance: Gearolis appearance is mostly unknown.

Only what he wears is known An old diver’s suit.

(One of those old stereotypical everyone knows https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/ba/c3/ff/bac3ff38bbb9b5c23d84978e7851cc3b.jpg)

The helmet appears to be older/used the cooper isn’t shining anymore and it appears that the cooper was only a layer. There are already some small rust dots on the helmet.

The helmets visior is strenghened with a stainell steel grid. It dosen’t have above also a visor. Only left, right and one the front. The suit itself is made out of leather, lead and silk. Also the tubes for the air are IN the suit not outside. The colour of the suit has a leather brown colour, that already looks it’s already old.

The leather has cracks (there are only on the surface, water dosen’t get in), also some pices of the suit look faded or cheap repaired. The gloves are made too out of leather, the  colour goes more to red whine red instead of brown. Both boots are trough and trough covered in stainless metal (at least 4 cm / 1,6 inces thick).

Like the suit too the boots also appear old, there are some scratches in them or also salt from dried out water. The Belt he wears is made out too of leather but has magnets atached on the underside so it holds on the suit. (There are some metal bits also integrated into the suit, so the Belt holds) The holsters and the beltcontaiers are made out of metal too. Both oxygen tancs on his back are medium sized (going till the end of his back) and are cream-coloured   Character:

The person in the diver suit is a pretty calm person but also pretty much curious and also wants to learn a lot Unfortunatly Gearoli suffers from memory loss. Whilst he remember some things, by others he is completely hopeless So he asks questions whenever he can (unfortunatly to the nerves of others).

Also it can happend that he dosen’t understand a order quite right. His voice nor his expression show much of of emotion. He talks most of the time in a neutral and normal tune and also emotionless Gearoli does himself hart to decide if something is now “good” or “bad” and mostly asks for a second opinion. Mostly he believes what others are tellng him and therefore is pretty gulible But with time that changes… Likes: plant live (he perfer that one underwater), diving, the sea, The pirates of the Setting Dawn, porridge(?), oil Dislikes: salt, leaks (in ships and his diving suit), lack of water (But he can live with it), dirt and mud (especially if it affcts his visors), Violence agains the Crew, Oil that leaks into water Habits: Collects jetseam (Dosen’t care if it’s just a branch or an nice sea shell), tendents to eat alone

(He claims to eat, so that noone is worried about him, since he dosen’t feel hunger and he isn’t aware to be a robot..at first) Strengh: physical strong, Loyal, helpful (he tries as good as he can) Weakpoints: heavy, can’t swim (goes down like a rock due of being to heavy), needs time and explanation to understsand some orders, salt and salt water (if it come into his suit) Backgroundstory: Gearoli aka Diver Class Unit Nr.23 was built at least ten years ago from a simple company that experimented in building advanced robots for the employment market. Mostly jobs that where dangerous. The robots are supposed to do their jobs and to learn, to be more efficent The Diver Class was supposed to work on and in the near of water. On ships or for the navy for example. Gearoli was assignet to work on an oil rag. Mostly repair duty and helping in building underwater pipelines.

One one day the crew of the oil rag found a chest with some kind of acient device. They decidet that instead of giving it to an museum they could sell it pretty expensive and become rich. Unfortunatly they never come to fulfill their wish Somone got aware of that acient artifact and after the oil Rig employee refused to give it the Person that wanted it (For them the offer of money the person made was to low) The whole oil platform burned down. Whilst it didn’t affect much of Gearois personality, his job position changed. He became a member of the mysterious person, helping in tracking down another artifact on a big ship. But once again, people refused to give away voluntary. And in the eyes of his “employer” they had to pay for that. Once again fire played a role, death too.

Simply following orders as a robot. In an attempt in getting the artifact on his hands, somone damaged Gearolis head. Not only making a dent into his helmet but also damaging his Memory storage. Before the memory storage shut down, and with that Gearoli, he fell down the ship and managed it to get a hold onto another ship that was passing by the great and big burning vessel. Due of the harddrive being damaged the BIOS decidet to use the blank Backup Hard drive in the Helmet. De Facto the old memorys of couldn’t be used anymore and so he wouldn’t remember them When Gearoli woke up, only remembering his name and the Standard things (walking, talking etc.) he was greeted by the pirate crew that formely proudly had a submarine called the Setting Dawn. ~~~

I you enjoyed my Fan Character ^^

With friendly greetings

The Bowlerhatwearer ^^

Hey there! I apologize if this feedback isn’t great - I’m recovering from a migraine, so my reading comprehension isn’t at its best, and I generally know more about character design than I do about more general character creation. I still hope I can say something helpful, though!

I’ll start by saying that I’m really fond of him having such a creepy appearance at the same time as having a relatively sweet personality? It’s important for a character’s design to tell the viewer (or in this case, reader) about the character, but it’s also fun when that gets inverted! It also opens up the possibility to the reader that he might not be as cute or harmless as he seems, if that was intentional in terms of foreshadowing.

That said! I find his personality does come off as a little shallow... He seems like a very passive fellow, and I’m not sure if it’s just due to a lack of development (or my own lack of understanding), but not everything seems to mesh together perfectly. You say he’s curious, but at the same time will follow any directions given, as long as he understands them. Do these parts of his personality ever come in conflict with each other? If he was forced to choose between following orders or exploring something that he’s curious about, which would he choose? How easy or difficult would that decision be? Would he have to do the latter within the limits of the former?

I also noticed that he doesn’t seem to have any goals, or anything that drives him other than the wills of other characters, which is probably going to end up being a problem for a written character. Or at least for keeping readers interested in him, assuming he’s a major character. I imagine that’s just because this is being written about how he is before any character development occurs during the story you want to write with him in it, but it’s something to keep in mind for when you do get to writing that story! Understanding what drives him and how he thinks will make him much easier to write, since you’ll have a better understanding of how he’ll respond to different situations and stimuli.

What strikes me the most about all this, I think, is that it doesn’t really feel rooted in the Archie Sonic universe? I mean, I guess that’s the nature of having a character that spends most of his time out on the open ocean, but there isn’t really anything that ties him to the setting. He could be from any world with an ocean and commercial robots! It would be an easy problem to fix, I think. Something as simple as having him run on Rings or a chaos drive would be enough, really.

Some other things I’m curious about/development questions that might be worth answering:

Where did his name come from? Did he choose it for himself after having lost his memory? If he and his shipmates don’t know that he’s a robot, why does it have the word “gear” in it? (especially as names in Sonic’s world tend to carry a lot of meaning)

He’s a calm/neutral person, but is he capable of strong emotions? If so, what sort of thing would make him experience them?

Does he care about retrieving his memories/knowing where he came from, or are his questions only to help him understand in the present? Is he curious about the fact that OTHER people have memories?

Would the people who made/sold him notice that he’d disappeared? How much is he worth, as a product (by extension, would he be in danger of being sold if his crewmates found out about what he was)?

Why are his internal components sensitive to the water if he was (presumably) built to work underwater? Why not make the whole thing as waterproof as possible, instead of making a vulnerable robot and putting it in a relatively normal diving suit?

I'm really hoping this doesn’t come off as harsh, I’m really not meaning it to at all omg. I do genuinely like him a lot! He’s an interesting guy, and I’m curious to learn more about him. Which is why I have all these questions, heh!

But as of right now, he doesn’t really feel complete? It doesn’t feel like you know exactly who he is, yet! So I’m trying to ask the questions that are coming up as I’m reading through his bio, to hopefully help you focus your attention as you develop him more. He’ll be much easier to write, and much more compelling to your readers, once you dig down and really know the basic structures of his personality.

- Mod Omo

[poop4u]

The Books on My Bookshelf

#Poop4U

Holy moly, Batman, the books on my night stand are piling up. Here’s a sample:

OUR DOGS OURSELVES,  by Alexandra Horowitz. (Released September 3rd, but available for pre order.) This thoughtful book by the author of The Inside of a Dog and Being a Dog deserves to be read by dog lovers everywhere. I say that, full disclosure, not having read the entire book yet. An “advance readers edition” came several weeks ago, and I will admit to, at first, feeling a bit wary of how much new information it would contain. But then I started reading it, and this is, bravely and insightfully, a book that goes far beyond the usual musings about our relationship with dogs.

One early chapter is titled “Owning Dogs,” and explores our contradictory relationship with dogs–legally defined as property and yet considered by many of us to be family members and best friends. I’ve said in the past that if someone took one of my dogs it would be kidnapping, not stealing. But that’s not what the laws says. This is an issue that we’ve never adequately addressed, involving many complicated considerations, and I appreciate Horowitz’s attempts to continue a conversation about it.

Another chapter looks at our country’s spay and neuter practices–no controversy there (!). The author takes this issue on full frontal:

“For me simply to bring up the topic of de-sexing for discussion will be, in the eyes of some, impermissible. So sacred is the policy–so heartfelt (and good-hearted) is the intent behind it–that one is almost not allowed to talk about it.”

But of course, she does, and asks us to look carefully at costs and benefits of our current belief in whole-scale spaying and neutering. (Note this other article that looks at the costs of spay-neuter policies.

Our Dogs, Ourselves also takes on the biology and ethics of current breeding practices, among other topics, so expect to be engaged.  Horowitz faces these controversial issues head on, and I love her for it. In subsequent posts I’ll no doubt talk about these issues, perhaps agreeing or disagreeing with the author, but grateful nonetheless that she is talking about them.

Last thing: Horowitz or her editors deserve an award for “best titles ever,” after The Inside of a Dog (from Mark Twain’s “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”)  Our Dogs, Ourselves is, of course, reminiscent of Our Bodies, Ourselves. Kudos.

TRANSFORMING TRAUMA:  Resilience and Healing Through Our Connections with Animals, edited by Philip Tedeschi and Molly Anne Jenkins.

Well, this is a fundamental switch from a book like the one above, but I highly recommend it to people who are interested in trauma recovery, especially in relation to animal-assisted interactions and therapy. Those of you who have read The Education of Will are aware that trauma is a central theme is my life’s story, so this is a book that speaks to me professionally and personally. What I like about the book is its integration of kindness and benevolence, along with lots and lots of good, solid science that backs up what we know, and don’t know, about the impact of human-animal interactions in the recovery of trauma.

Actually, “The impact of human-animal interactions in the recovery of trauma” is title of the first chapter, whose lead author is Marguerite O’Haire (who I refer to as “The Woman Whose Talks Should Never Be Missed”). Seriously, this chapter is worth the price of the book for its summary of evidence-based research, and introducing (to most of us), the concept of “bio-affiliative safety”, in which other animals allow trauma victims to turn off their vigilance and mechanisms of defense.

This is not beach reading. For example, in Chapter One, relating to bio-affiliative safety: “In Porges’ explorations of the polyvagal system and the concept of neuroception, we can begin to understand how the presence of a nonhuman animal interaction may offer critical information . . . “.

But that’s exactly why I am a fan of this work–we need to continue to push beyond the feel-good, rosy picture of all animals helping all people all the time, and support serious science that looks at exactly how, and how not, other animals can help us humans recover from trauma.

The other perspective that is vital in Transforming Trauma is its emphasis on never using animals in a way that discomforts or exploits them.  Here, here.

DOG BEHAVIOR, MODERN SCIENCE AND OUR CANINE COMPAIONS, by James Ha and Tracy Campion. Also not a beach reach, this book is a treasure trove of information for people who are interested in the integration of science and dog training. It includes a great deal of history and analysis of animal behavior studies, from Darwin’s interest in canine skulls, to cost-benefit analyses of decision making. It’s both practical (lots of stories from the author’s case studies) and theoretical (kin selection and dogs–who talks about that?).

What I love most about this book is based in part on my shared academic experience with one of the authors, James Ha. Both of us were trained as ethologists, and both of us spent years studying animal behavior in a general sense before we became involved in the dog world. I’ve always believed that to truly understand dog behavior, you need to understand the full range of behavior found in the animal world, so that you can put dogs in perspective. That’s exactly what this book does, and that’s why, for example, reading the chapter titled “Debunking Dominance: Canine social structure and behavioral ecology” is like a breath of fresh air. The chapter begins thus: “The social structure of a species, and hence their social behavior, is based upon resource distribution”. Oh, oh, music to my ears to see this in print. This is such an important concept to grasp, as is the fact that individuals of very closely related species can behave very differently, in part based on resource distribution. (Compare male-dominate chimps versus matriachal bonobos for example.)

Anyone who argues against “dominance or force-based training” would profit from reading this chapter, from its distinction between dominance and aggression, to the evidence that wolf packs in the wild are not “dominated by a alpha” but led by parent-like adults who take on roles of defense and hunting/provisioning, primarily based on sex.

There’s lots and lots more in this book, and I look forward to reading more of it, I’m thinking it will be a great way to start my every morning. (I tend to read fiction at night, non-fiction in the morning. You?)

GOOD AS A GIRL: A MEMOIR, by Ray Olderman. Ready for a paradigm shift? This book has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with dogs, but it holds a special place in my heart because it was written by a man who saved my soul in college. Quite literally. I was taking his class in literature at UW-Madison and working part time at the Primate Center. Long story, but at that time, the housing conditions for the monkeys at the Center were profoundly different than they are now. And pretty awful. When I went to the someone in charge to talk about what I felt were abuses, he literally told me “There is no biological evidence that monkeys can feel pain.” Yup, that’s what he said, in the mid 1980’s. I had thought that perhaps I could have some effect on the way the monkeys were treated, but it became clear that my ability to do so was negligible.

I couldn’t quit, I desperately needed the money, and I mean desperately. I could barely afford to eat. And yet working there violated everything I believed in. I stopped sleeping, and had a hard time just getting through the day. Ironically, in my literature class we were reading a book about a man who thought he could change a corrupt system by working within it, but was eventually destroyed by it. I finally went to see my professor, Ray Olderman and told him I was living the life we were reading about it. And it was killing me. And I couldn’t quit, I was beyond broke and there were no jobs available at that time of year. He hired me on the spot, finding some spare money to help him with grading. I will never forget it, and will always be grateful.

And so, I admit to a profound lack of objectivity about Ray’s book. But here’s the thing. I loved the book. Ray’s mother had wanted a girl, and had no pretense that she was disappointed when Ray turned out to be a boy. And so, at age eight, he vowed to her that he’d be “as good as a girl”. We follow Ray throughout his life trying to understand the female perspective while negotiating the complexities of Madison WI in the 70’s and 80’s during a time of profound cultural change.

If you’re interested in a delightful memoir about a guy who “couldn’t keep his mouth shut,”  fought the system all of his life while doing all he could to understand women, this book is for you.

  MEANWHILE, back on the farm: This weekend seemed to be a celebration of small, flying animals. This bee and butterfly kept displacing each other until they finally settled into feeding on opposite sides of the Hyssop flower.

Here’s the butterfly by itself; it appears to be a species in the Checkerspot group, but I’m not confident to say which one exactly.

This is one of my favorite insects, a hummingbird moth. Check out the video in the link, it’s really fun.

And here’s the source of its mimicry, still finding nutrition in this tacky looking Bee Balm flower.

Swallowtails everywhere. Monarchs too, although I could never get a shot. I hear that Monarchs are doing better this summer (yay!), and it’s also wonderful to see so many bees out. Finally! The wet spring and early summer was so hard on them, and they have enough challenges right now.

What brought you joy this week, whether a new book, animals or plants? You know I’d love to hear.

Poop4U Blog via www.Poop4U.com Trisha, Khareem Sudlow

[wineanddinosaur]

Uproxx, Brewbound, and the Internet Gaze on Women in Beer

In July 2019, pop culture website Uproxx published a list touting the best beer influencers on Instagram. The 12 individuals included bloggers, brewers, and photographers, and 10 of them happened to be women.

In a now-infamous episode of the Brewbound Podcast, former editor Chris Furnari derided these women. In a transcript of the episode, Furnari names the first two Instagrammers, who are male; then, he says, the list “goes to s*** and it’s all chicks who basically take photos of themselves in like low-cut tops with beer.” He refers to the women as “girls in tight clothing and bathing suits,” and their beer-focused Instagrams as “ones where we’re just looking at chicks.” This portion of the podcast has since been deleted.

Following the incident, Furnari made multiple public apologies, writing, “I unfairly stereotyped and made generalizations about a group of individuals who have clearly earned the right to be recognized.” He continues, “The comments I made were out of line and demonstrated a complete lapse in judgment.” His words proved to be insufficient, however. On July 25, 2019, Forbes.com announced Furnari left his position at Brewbound, an award-winning beer news website where he served as editor for more than eight years. It is unclear whether he resigned or was terminated.

For the record, the women Furnari referred to are Bella (@onehoppylady), a food and beverage photographer who did not share her surname at press time; Caitlin Johnson (@bigwrldsmallgrl), blogger and content manager; Heather Lewis (@beerbitty), blogger and former operations projects director at Brooklyn Brewery; and Megan Stone (@isbeeracarb), brewer at DuClaw Brewing Co. Some of their photos indeed include plunging necklines and bikinis, but there is diversity among their profiles. Stone (@isbeeracarb), for example, shares her beer-focused travel adventures and collaborations with other brewers; and Lewis (@beerbitty) posts about life experiences through the glass of memorable beers.

View this post on Instagram

So I had the pleasure of interviewing THE Sam Calagione of @dogfishhead at work recently!! I tried very hard not to fan girl over the legend I’ve been reading about for at least a decade, but I think a ton of my co-workers fan girl/fan boyed quite a bit when he came into the office. And I couldn’t resist getting a selfie 😅💁🏻‍♀️ What a fun guy! Super grateful that he made time in his schedule for this interview during his trip to NYC! We’re so proud to be distributing Dogfish Head at @unionbeerdist 🍻🍻 Head over to the @unionbeerdist IG and click on their link in bio to read the full interview!! And give them a follow too! ☺️🍻🤩

A post shared by Bella (@onehoppylady) on Feb 4, 2019 at 5:04pm PST

Furnari’s comments sparked fast and furious responses from men and women in the industry, many of whom are avid readers of Brewbound, fans of the slandered Instagrammers, or both. His departure caused even more controversy.

“Calling BS on this,” New Belgium spokesperson Jesse Claeys tweeted on July 25, 2019. “Furnari has always been a pro and a strong advocate for craft beer. Taking female beer/boob Instagram ‘influencers’ to task for essentially returning to misogynistic 70s era beer marketing is not a fireable offense.” (Update 8/12/19: New Belgium’s PR department requested VinePair clarify Claeys made this comment personally, not in his capacity as a spokesperson for the brand. His Twitter account has since been deleted.)

Beer writer and broadcast journalist Tara Nurin noted how easy it is to say something “stupid” on air in a Forbes.com piece, writing, “I feel the hosts were actually speaking up for women by chastising those whose personal branding suggests that their chests are more important than their faces and that their bodies speak louder than their minds… We still have a double standard but now it’s women who are commercializing themselves and trying to silence the men who give their opinions about it.”

Others argue these women deserve the same reverence and respect as Furnari or any beer professional. “I’m tired of women having to prove themselves as beer drinkers,” Melis, a.k.a. @thegirlwithbeer, who was also included in the list and prefers not to share her surname for safety reasons, wrote on her feed. Melis is a communications manager for a craft brewery in San Diego. “I work full time for an independent craft brewery, support the Brewers Guild and Pink Boots Society. […] You want beer culture to be more diverse and inclusive? Stop sh*tting on the people who bring diversity to it. Do better.”

View this post on Instagram

I have three significant things happening soon. The first one is that Melis @thegirlwithbeer and I are going to PANAMA next week!! I was invited to collab with @fulaicaza at @boquetebrewingcompany, and asked Melis to come along. Ale has a whole itinerary packed full of exciting things that we can’t wait to share with y’all. If you happen to live in Panama City, we will be doing a little meet and greet event. Check my stories for info. TAG your friends in Panama, we’d love to meet them!! And stay tuned for the next drop of news. 🇵🇦 ✈️ . . 🍻🍹: @southernbeergirl, myself, and @thegirlwithbeer drinking some @brooklynbrewery Bel Air sour and beer cocktails at @thepearlhotel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #craftbeeronly #craftbeerlove #craftbeerbabe #craftbeergirl #brooklynbrewery #brooklynbeer #sourbeer #unicornhair #rainbowhair #craftbeercommunity #panamacitybeach #panamabeer #visitpanama #beerblogger #travelblogger #gypsybrewer #ladybrewer #girlswithbeer #dippindaisysswimwear #beerus #boquete #boquetepanama #sandiegogram #visitsandiego

A post shared by megan ✻ beer ✻ travel ✻ style (@isbeeracarb) on May 30, 2019 at 2:39pm PDT

Bella, a.k.a. One Hoppy Lady, also defended her right to control her own image in an Instagram post following the podcast, writing: “Does my fitted shirt discredit the 9 years I’ve spent in the beer industry? Does @isbeeracarb’s bikini erase all her brewing knowledge? Is @la_petite_biere too sexy to enjoy beer? […] I’m disappointed in Brewbound for publishing this harmful speech against women.”

(Ironically, or perhaps not at all, the Brewound Podcast topic was “diversity and inclusion.” It later featured an interview with D.C. brewery owner Julie Verratti, former chair and current member of the Brewers Association Diversity Committee.)

Womanhood, like beer, is political. What women say, wear, and do with our bodies in public is regularly politicized and policed. When the collective expertise of a group of young women is called into question because of the ways they present their bodies online, it opens our eyes to the ways conservatism and unsolicited criticism are unfortunately still present in the beer industry — and the world at large.

Interestingly, this is not the first time a listicle of influencers sparked controversy within the beer community. In 2017, “30 Female Beer Lovers You Must Follow On Instagram,” published by Men’s Health, also ruffled feathers. Some responses, from women as well as men, were strikingly similar to Furnari’s recent remarks.

View this post on Instagram

Quality is so important to me when I make beer, I make sure all of my ingredients are fresh and healthy before using them. I taste the wort and beer in every stage to make sure things are progressing as they should be. I’m so concerned about quality, which is why since I’ve started at @jaggedmountaincb we have been using the lab company @fermlyknow ! They have the specialized equipment that most breweries can not afford or have space for. They are able to test a wide range of things from ABV to calories. If you are worried about a contamination they can test for other unwanted yeasts/bacteria. I was able to visit their lab the other day and pretend like I was helping 😝 in all reality it was super cool to see how they go through the samples that us breweries send them. I was most fascinated by the way they test for calories! If you want to have a more in depth view be sure to check my stories. Fermly is a great option for breweries concerned about their beer quality, or just getting a more in depth view at your beer. Both of the owners have been in the beer industry, and give you a personal touch with direct communication. This is why if you mention me, southernbeergirl, you can get 10% off your first order with them! Check out the link in my bio to see all the services they offer 🔥 THEY TEST INTERNATIONALLY TOO! Have you ever gotten your beer tested? What are some things that surprised you the most?

A post shared by Alyssa (@southernbeergirl) on Jul 29, 2019 at 8:35am PDT

“I just think that championing these so-called IG ‘beer chicks’ is not the best vehicle for [recognition]… IG has just become an endless T&A parade with nearly naked pics being posted to lure you to their paid sites,” Hopgoddess312 wrote in a BeerAdvocate forum discussing the article. She also referred to the list as “a bunch of pics from women’s IG accounts, a good chunk of which are just tit pics and nothing to do with beer.” (Ironically, or perhaps not at all, Hopgoddess312’s profile photo is also a close-up of her breasts and a beer.)

“I feel this type of attention sets us back and demeans the hard working women who are in the industry,” Afro Beer Chick wrote in an October 2017 blog post. “There is no need to be a ‘hey look at me’ type beer chick… Let’s keep the boobs and butts for the other Instagram thots.”

On the other hand, the Men’s Health list was published in its “Sex” section. This is a meaningful editorial decision that reinforces the idea that attractive women and beer experts are two different subjects that often overlap.

Two years later, we are still grappling with these nuances. When members of the beer community see women baring it all in their photos, and earning more “likes” and followers, it’s easy to critique them for marketing to the male gaze. Yet when a male figure enters the ring to publicly condemn these same women, many jump to the women’s defense. What’s the deal?

It’s all about agency and respect. All members of the beer community should be able to present themselves however they choose, so long as they’re not hurting anybody; it’s not up to us to dictate what’s best for anyone else.

Yes, many of the Instagrammers included in last month’s list have sexy public personas. They’re also equipped with brains and beer expertise. Assuming anything less does a disservice to us all.

The article Uproxx, Brewbound, and the Internet Gaze on Women in Beer appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/beer-boobs-misogyny/

[wp-yahoo-style-1042-yahoopa-blog]

Plus-size model responds to haters with body-positive campaign #becauseitsMYbody

Body shaming is prominent all over the internet, as people share their unsolicited opinions of how others appear in photos posted on social media.

For plus-size model and Instagram influencer Denise Mercedes, being body shamed is not unusual, and she’s been in the line of fire for a host of negative comments. From people who call Mercedes fat and overweight to those who insist on telling her that she’s promoting obesity, the New Jersey native admits to having heard it all. In response to the various comments, however, she shares one simple notion to remind people why it’s none of their business: because it’s my body.

Diverse cast of women star in Phase 2 of #becauseitsmybody campaign. (Photo: Shaira Chaer)

The 26-year-old body-positive advocate turned her go-to statement into the tagline of a size-inclusive campaign that she launched in 2016 with the hashtag #becauseitsmybody. When she realized that all of the negative comments were signaling a need for larger representation of all body types, Mercedes reached out to women of different shapes and sizes to take part in what she now calls “Phase 1” of her growing movement.

Ahh!! Super excited that my campaign website launches on Sunday ! Stay tuned everyone!! Make sure you follow my campaign page @becauseitsmybody and use my hashtag #becauseitsmybody to be featured on the website! Also, please make sure to follow the Facebook I made for the campaign! Link will be on my bio Love you guys !

A post shared by Denise Mercedes (@denisemmercedes) on Nov 25, 2016 at 11:05am PST

“When I did the first photo shoot, I only had women. It was just me and four other girls,” Mercedes tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “We were all wearing lingerie and there’s no Photoshop. I had the photographer make sure that he captured cellulite, every stretch mark, and I went ahead and I had him zoom in on all of our flaws. Everyone just responded really well, and that was just Phase 1.”

For Phase 2, which launched Tuesday evening, Mercedes has taken the campaign to new heights as she recognizes the growing acceptance of body positivity — something that she stood for long before there was even a term for it.

The second addition to the campaign includes men. (Photo: Shaira Chaer)

“When I became a plus-size fashion blogger and a plus-size model, I realized that it was strictly plus-size modeling and plus-size fashion, versus for other models, it was just modeling,” Mercedes explains. “They didn’t call them skinny models, they just call them models. Why don’t we just call everyone a model?”

The distinction made between straight-size modeling and plus-size modeling is the same that Mercedes later began to see in what was deemed “body positive.” She points out that while people were seemingly promoting the acceptance of different bodies, there really was only representation of plus-size women in these campaigns, while anyone outside of that was excluded.

In the same way that Mercedes had taken a chance trying to become a model at 5-foot-4 and size 14 in a world where that didn’t exist more than four years ago, she challenged herself to flip body positivity on its head by shedding light on the men and size 2 women who experience body insecurities as well.

Inclusivity is an important aspect of body positivity. (Photo: Shaira Chaer)

“Everyone gets criticized,” Mercedes says. “It’s not just a plus-size body positive campaign, it’s just a body-positive campaign — that’s it. And everyone’s included.”

In Mercedes’s latest efforts to get anyone and everyone involved in her body-positive movement, she’s included a section in the campaign’s relaunched website where readers can submit their own story. Although she feels that she’s already made some difference by providing a platform that preaches body positivity, Phase 2 focuses on what inclusivity is truly about and allows people to respond.

“I actually want to be able to make it a community because I don’t want anyone to feel left out,” she shares. “If you feel like you can relate, then you’re also a part of it.”

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle:

Artist turns stretch marks into gorgeous glitter strips

Women love Lane Bryant’s ads so much they’re sharing their own #ImNoAngel pics

Size 8 beauty pageant contestant considered ‘plus-size’ is all about the ‘in-between’

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter for nonstop inspiration delivered fresh to your feed, every day.

[music-of-silence]

Surprisingly heartfelt. I'll risk sounding like a loser and just admit that I wasn't super into Tom Petty before reading this book. Sure, I know (and enjoy) his big hits like anyone else, but not much beyond that. I basically started this book with a clean slate, more curious than anything else, and really just looking to learn. Go to Amazon

The Right Balance Between Tom Petty Fan and Tom Petty Fanboy PETTY: THE BIOGRAPHY is a superior example of its kind for two big reasons. One, author Warren Zanes had near-complete access to virtually every major player in the Tom Petty story, going back to Petty's childhood. That's rare in rock bios, which tend to be spotty primarily because key players refuse to be interviewed—or are never approached for interviews. (The only omission here: Jane, Petty's first wife.) Two, Zanes — a musician himself, from the late eighties college-rock band Del Fuegos — strikes the right balance between being a Petty fan and being a Petty fanboy. That is to say, his affection and admiration don't get in the way of offering cogent critical analyses of Petty's work relative to Petty's physical and mental state at any given time. Also, the writing is a cut above the usual colorless hack-for-hire fare that marks many rock bios. The takeaway is a sympathetic, empathetic, never blind-eyed portrait of a complicated musical genius with a great many flaws. A thoroughly absorbing, entertaining, easygoing read. Go to Amazon

Nice read It's about time somebody wrote the full story on one of the great American songwriters and bands of all time. Having a hard time putting it down. It's nice to hear the back story on all those great songs. I want to thank Warren Zanes for doing his homework and sharing this story with the rest of us. Go to Amazon

Interesting, in depth story. This book didn't just show the glamour of the Rock and roll lifestyle. It showed the frustration of trying to make a dream come true. This book got into the nitty gritty and the real life experiences of the band members and their relationships. Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers certainly paid their dues and deserve the success they have achieved. Good read. Go to Amazon

A must read for Petty lovers and music book lovers alike Great read! The TP story is one of amazing rock n roll success! A guy who came from nothing with little advantage and if by sheer will (and of course hard work and talent) made his career happen. The number of people who's paths crossed in Gainesville in those early days is amazing! Warren Zanes does a great job of putting the reader at the center of this amazing success story. You would be hard pressed to find another artist who has as consistently put out such a solid product as Petty. Most bands that have been around 40+ years are just doing summer shed tours riding on their past success. Not Petty. He is still making great relevant music and still giving you a fantastic live show. Perhaps only Bruce is still able to deliver what Petty does and make it seem so effortless. Tom belongs at the top of the mountain among songwriters! Cheers to Tom Petty and cheers to Warren Zanes who incidentally was part of the great 80's group the Del Fuegos among many other projects. I also recommend his book Revolutions in Sound. This dude is truly a modern renaissance man! 10/10 would read again! Go to Amazon

A surprising read My dad bought me my first tom petty album when I was in Jr- high (their 2nd) and my whole life changed. As an only child for many years the only music influence I had was what my parents listened to. Dad had tons on big band albums I had no interest in and music was only listened to on rare occasions. I dug around and found a Neil Sedaca vinyl and a few similar albums but nothing that spoke to me. One Christmas Dad walked into long' s music store and asked Don to pick out 3 albums for me. One was Jay and the Americans and another was John Denver... both felt more like my mom's hidden music. But the 3rd looked dark and the guys on the cover looked like nothing I had ever seen in my tiny town before. The moment the needle hit the record I was hooked. I had finally found MY music! Go to Amazon

Great stories, great read. Now I love TP even more...didn't think that was possible. Excellent book with little known facts Five Stars Great read. George Harrison's Friend. Loved this story Five Stars Five Stars Five Stars

[momscookingthebooks]

Release Blitz ~ Book Review ~ Excerpt

Title:  Sever

Series:  Deathstalkers MC #6

Author:  Alexis Noelle

Genre: MC Romance

Publication Date:  April 17, 2017

Cliff Hanger:  No

Book Review

4 Stars

*This story is for mature audiences only. Contains explicit scenes and language intended for adults 18+

Synopsis:

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, and I'm a damn idiot.

That's what he does to me.

Ryker. Smith.

The first heartbreak is always the hardest to heal

And those wounds get ripped right back open,

When he walks back into my life.

Seven years,

It took seven long and grueling years,  

To get that cocky, leather-wearing bastard out of my mind.

I thought I'd never get over him, never fix what he broke,

And now he's back,

Every sexy inch of him,

The difference is now I'm taking charge.

This time he'll be the fool.

My Thoughts:

This is the first time I have read this author and it won’t be the last. I love MC romances and this author did a good job of having this book as part of a series, but reads well as a standalone! I didn’t feel like I missed any key points and there weren’t any gaps or need to clutter the story with fill-ins.

This was a really fast paced read and it jumped right to it. There is some angst and twists and turns I didn’t see coming, wow talk about out of the blue. How the story unfolds is unbelievably sad in how wrongly these two star-crossed lovers were duped. The cruel hand they were dealt made my chest burn. These two were destined and their chemistry is still fierce. I don't want to give anything away, as you need to read and experience it for yourself.

If you like MC romance, give this book and series a try!

Buy Links:

Amazon - http://amzn.to/2k5nwye

Nook - http://bit.ly/2jxI69H

Kobo - http://bit.ly/2k0yAsa

iBooks - http://apple.co/2j9HXWo

Excerpt:

Walking up, I see a few guys hanging around and talking so I make my way over to them. Their eyes follow me the whole way and I momentarily regret wearing heels because everyone knows heels and gravel just do not mix.

“You the chick from the accounting place?”

My first reaction is to correct him but I hold my tongue. These don’t look like the kind of guys I really want to mouth off to and, really, in their world “chick” might be considered a compliment. I use my hand to shield my eyes from the sun because squinting is never a good look. “I’m looking for Ryder.”

The name doesn’t seem to register on any of their faces and for a minute I wonder if I have walked into the wrong place. That would be just my luck. “Megan.” I hear his voice and it still sends chills through me. “In here.”

There’s a click and a side door opens. I walk toward it, feeling the eyes of the bikers on my back like daggers. When I get there, I peek inside. Its’s pretty basic, with only a desk with a computer and a few different piles of papers to fill the space. I step inside, smelling the faintest hint of mildew. It’s unpleasant, to say the least, and I scrunch up my nose. 

“Why didn’t any of those guys know who you are?”

He doesn’t look at me. His gaze is on the papers in front of him as he sifts through them, putting some in one pile and others in another. “Because people don’t call me that here, and neither can you.”

“Really?” I laugh. “So what exactly am I supposed to call you?”

He sits down on the corner of the desk. “Tracker.”

I shake my head putting my purse down on the desk.

“Something wrong with my name?” His eyes narrow and my gut twists, reminding me of the nerves I felt in the car.

“Apart from the fact that you aren’t a bloodhound and it isn’t your name?” I cross my arms and jut out a hip. A lot has changed since high school. I’m no longer the pushover I was, and part of that is because of him, and though I might have been hesitant to stand up to the apes outside, the man in front of me is a whole different story.

“It is my name—at least, it’s my road name. It’s what everyone uses here.” He shakes his head and starts turning on the lights before moving to the computer. The screen springs to life, the display showing the same symbol that was on the back of his vest the other day. 

“And if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?” I arch an eyebrow at him. My body might be completely on edge being this close to him, and my mind might be freaking out thinking about all the memories of us, but my mouth has no problem poking the bear.

Ryder takes a few steps toward me, closing the distance between us until we are only a few inches apart. Having him this close makes my heart feel like a jackhammer. “Listen, as much as I like your smart mouth, you need to watch it around here. Respect is important, so while people are around you need to rein that shit in. When it’s just us, run that sexy mouth all you want.” He winks at me before walking past, his arm brushing mine and sending a heat through me.

“You can’t say shit like that to me, Ryder. We aren’t kids anymore. I’m here to do a job and that’s it.” I force my face to harden and wipe all emotion from it before turning toward him.

“Whatever you need to help you sleep at night, princess. Thing is, we might not be kids anymore, but I still know you better than you know yourself. I saw the way you looked at me the other day.” He steps close to me, his head bending down until his lips are close to my ear, the heat of his breath making my legs weak. “I know you feel this as much as I do. I just have to wait until it consumes you and you come begging.”

“Screw you.”

“All in good time.” He winks before walking out the door.

Author Bio:

Alexis Noelle lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with her husband, and three kids. On top a writing career, she is a full-time student and a full-time mom. She loves spending time with her kids, although she has to hide the computer from them when she is writing! She loves being active and being outdoors, especially if it involves any kind of shopping.

She has always been passionate about writing. She loves to read romance books and feels like being able to lose yourself in a book is one of the more exciting aspects. The books she loves to read and write will be ones that make you feel for the characters. Ashley believes that you should have an opinion on every character in a book whether you love them, hate them, or think they are up to something.

She also believes that the most important critic is your reader, so she loves to hear from the readers. She wants her fans to be open & talk to her about what they want for the characters in the story, and what they would like to see happen.

Social Media Links:

Amazon Author Page - http://amzn.to/1D7JIHb

Facebook - http://on.fb.me/1zdctEN

Newsletter - http://eepurl.com/Vgqer

Email - alexisnoelleauthor@gmail.com

Website - http://alexisnoelleauthor.blogspot.com

Goodreads - http://bit.ly/1vW0nib

Instagram - https://instagram.com/_alexisnoelle_

Snapchat - alexisnoelle01

Twitter: https://twitter.com/_alexisnoelle_