#one of my worst fears atm is that she'll be the kind of doctor that looks at genitalia
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I always think I'm dying cause some new awful thing will pop up and then I wait a few days and I'm not dead. Like the thing is still happening but I'm not dead and that's ok.
Most recently I've been getting like super dizzy and there's been something wrong with my brain and I get like. I want to say eye spasms? Idk what they are. It feels like I'm really tired and I've been staring at a phone screen all day like all the time. Even when I just wake up. And the top and front of my brain always feel wrong, and sometimes they hurt but it's not like PAIN pain but it is pain. Almost like a when someone puts a light in your eyes sort of feeling. Anyways the point is that I have been preparing for death or at least a significant amount of cognitive decline for two weeks and so far there has been almost nothing. Except that I struggled to read a few words I would have normally been able to read just fine but it's ok cause I can still read and walk around and I haven't started losing control of going to the bathroom
#i am actually so tired of there being something wrong with me#i just want to be normal and happy and healthy#idk why thats so hard#why do i have to constantly feel bad that's just not fair#talking about suicide past this point lol#im not joking when i say that stuff#ACK I FORGOT ABOUT THE ENDOCRINOLOGIST IM GOING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING KILL MYSELF#going to doctors always makes me feel like shit and that might actually be it for me#what if i literally died after the endocrinologist visit#there will be no answer i can guarantee that#she will have no fucking clue whats going on#and i will feel so fucking horrible that ill spiral and kill myself#one of my worst fears atm is that she'll be the kind of doctor that looks at genitalia#i will throw the biggest fucking fit anyone has ever seen mark my fucking words#if i have to undergo that sort of thing#anyways going to the doctor always makes me feel like the biggest fucking liar even though im not lying at all#she just doesnt believe me and i can tell and it makes me feel like maybe shes right#cause the pain isnt usually happening right then#so i just think that i must be faking it EVEN THOUGH EVEN MY MOM FUCKING SAW IT#AND PEOPLE HAVE SEEN ME FUCKING FALL OVER CAUSE MY KNEES SUCK ASS#i want a knee brace or a cane but im not always in pain so i think “do i really need it?” YEAH SOMETIMES I DO
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Also I have had a ridiculous amount of stomach acid in my throat recently that just will not go away to the point where I WANT to throw up just to make it come out
I always think I'm dying cause some new awful thing will pop up and then I wait a few days and I'm not dead. Like the thing is still happening but I'm not dead and that's ok.
Most recently I've been getting like super dizzy and there's been something wrong with my brain and I get like. I want to say eye spasms? Idk what they are. It feels like I'm really tired and I've been staring at a phone screen all day like all the time. Even when I just wake up. And the top and front of my brain always feel wrong, and sometimes they hurt but it's not like PAIN pain but it is pain. Almost like a when someone puts a light in your eyes sort of feeling. Anyways the point is that I have been preparing for death or at least a significant amount of cognitive decline for two weeks and so far there has been almost nothing. Except that I struggled to read a few words I would have normally been able to read just fine but it's ok cause I can still read and walk around and I haven't started losing control of going to the bathroom
#i am actually so tired of there being something wrong with me#i just want to be normal and happy and healthy#idk why thats so hard#why do i have to constantly feel bad that's just not fair#talking about suicide past this point lol#im not joking when i say that stuff#ACK I FORGOT ABOUT THE ENDOCRINOLOGIST IM GOING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING KILL MYSELF#going to doctors always makes me feel like shit and that might actually be it for me#what if i literally died after the endocrinologist visit#there will be no answer i can guarantee that#she will have no fucking clue whats going on#and i will feel so fucking horrible that ill spiral and kill myself#one of my worst fears atm is that she'll be the kind of doctor that looks at genitalia#i will throw the biggest fucking fit anyone has ever seen mark my fucking words#if i have to undergo that sort of thing#anyways going to the doctor always makes me feel like the biggest fucking liar even though im not lying at all#she just doesnt believe me and i can tell and it makes me feel like maybe shes right#cause the pain isnt usually happening right then#so i just think that i must be faking it EVEN THOUGH EVEN MY MOM FUCKING SAW IT#AND PEOPLE HAVE SEEN ME FUCKING FALL OVER CAUSE MY KNEES SUCK ASS#i want a knee brace or a cane but im not always in pain so i think “do i really need it?” YEAH SOMETIMES I DO
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