#one experience was deeply awesome and i still can't believe it happened. got to talk for a really long time about how meaningful i found

[festivalofthe12]

mannnnnnnn IDK if it's just because I never fully finished the manga myself (sorry everyone;;) but I just. don't. really understand how Akito being just another one of Tohru's friends is supposed to. work. in practice. with Yuki.

Not because Akito is an ~irredeemable person who never earned her redemption~ or whatever. People being good is good!!! If Akito is legitimately a better person now, that's awesome!!! And frankly I love stories where legitimate kindness breaks through to save people who are shitty but also deeply deeply sad!!!!!

But to most of the cast, Akito was a pretty distant enemy. Yes, she'd show up in person now and then to be chilling and mysterious, but her primary source of contention was Being God. The way she ran the family and the rules she set up around it. Other characters might have spent a lot of time seething at her, but mainly to blame her for indirectly causing things to happen in their lives. Apart from a very small number, most have never actually had much experience just... talking to her.

Which is not true for Yuki.

Yuki has spent more time with her than almost anybody. By the end of the manga, she's still probably the person he's spent the most time in contact with, total, over his life. He literally could not get away from being in the same physical space as her.

His reactions to Akito aren't based on him blaming her for what she did to the Sohma family. His reactions to Akito are based on a very simple 'if I can see her, things about about to get very bad very quickly for me personally.'

At that point, it's not even really about whether he blames or forgives her, or what he thinks she 'deserves'. It is an immediate anxiety (let's be real: PTSD) trigger. It's neither conscious nor logical. He spent endless amounts of time waiting with horror for her to show up, unable to know or control when that would happen, and then having that horror fully justified. He was trained on it, endlessly.

I fully believe that Yuki would want to trust Tohru and respect her friendship with Akito and believe that everything has changed and it's all good now. But I just can't see him being him able to actually... act on that. In practice.

He never even really properly got to process it. Ayame did the classic oblivious parent thing of trying to override Yuki's negative emotions with happy ones before he was actually ready to move on. (Not critiquing Ayame; he's just a flawed human being in his own right!) Tohru comforted him and told him he didn't deserve it, and now she's friends with his abuser asking him to say everything's fine. If Kakeru ever fully found out what happened, it was off-screen, and not all that much time before this all went down.

I just. Really think that what Yuki needs is at least some time to just be better and angry, or at the very least openly mourn his lost childhood. And he needs to be able to do that without those constant triggers of anxiety from interacting with Akito. All things being equal, I think it would be for the best if he could just tell Tohru straight-up that he's fine with their friendship and he's not going to intervene but he just does not want to be in the same room with Akito ever again.

And... if I were to stretch this a bit further, and potentially really betray my unfamiliarity with endgame canon........... it is kind of hard for me to imagine Akito being okay with that.

Yes, Akito has changed. But surely she still needs time to grow and learn and figure out her new place in this world? And Yuki deliberately avoiding her would... be a difficult thing to accept. Firstly because she's still getting used to giving up that selfishness (especially towards Yuki), but also because it's a reminder of some of the awful shit she did. Which, if she's a changed person, should make her feel bad. Which again, she isn't qualified to process!!

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Akito twisted it around in her head to where Yuki really was her friend. Like they were in this together and Akito didn't always handle it well but at the end of the day, they're the only two who can really understand each other. Because Akito really didn't have that, either. (Kureno being... idk man he always seemed more like a guardian, or at least older brother figure than someone who was 'in the trenches' so to speak with her.)

Either way, it'd all place Tohru in such a deeply complicated position. Akito is hurting badly and needs Tohru to be on her side if no-one else is, because to be fair, that's not all wrong? (Kureno has always been there, but Tohru is her saviour.) But she can't really do that if she's enforcing Yuki's boundaries for him. I feel like Akito would really want Tohru to tell her that she's forgiven and that everything's good now, and if she hesitated even a little, it wouldn't go well. Because Akito only knows how to understand two things: obedience and manipulation. So having others set healthy boundaries - and dealing with the resulting feelings of rejection and shame and guilt - is something she still has to learn how to do.

It just sounds. A bit like a clusterfuck tbh. A clusterfuck that could, eventually, turn out okay!!!!!! But one that would take a LONG time and continued process of reflection and self-awareness (and, ideally, HEAVY THERAPY, but of course we all know nobody in the Fruits Basket universe ever gets that, so). Obviously like that's the happy ending and we don't need to extend it out for four more volumes of like 'Yuki and Akito undergo cbt separately via Tohru's infinite patience' lmfao but. Idk. It just seems to imply a lot in that happy ending that has not really set up by the story to be all that easy.

Unless I'm completely wrong and the last volume or two does in fact set this up perfectly. In which case never mind!!!!!!!!!!

[liopleurodean]

Season 8, Episode 18: Freaks And Geeks

Oh boy

This is gonna be good

Oh, Krissy...

That's concerning

Wow, that's great of him

Oh. It was a plan

They're doing this alone?

Sounds like someone is already on it

Dean is concerned

This is like talking in circles

Good for him

Definitely vamp

Dean can ID one of them

Yeah

Crossed streams

Sam has no clue what's happening

He's not joking

Krissy.

Dude. No means no.

It was a ploy!

I don't like him

Thank you

That's not just cheesy, it's crap.

I've got to admit, their setup is good

Smooth

Well...

That explains some things

Be careful

No, you don't!

Nice

What does that mean?

I think I believe him

Something is deeply wrong with this situation

Yeah, definitely

That's one way to put it

Sounds great. So what happened?

That's when you find another adult.

Dean is right

That's because you're not old enough to see otherwise

Kinda sounds like it. And any adult worth their salt would never let or enable kids in that kind of life

It's possible

Yeah...

That's not healthy

Rip

At least that's something

Exactly

They're children!

Hey!

Do not talk that way about Bobby!

They're not meant to be that way!

Sam.

And your life sucked!

That's... an interesting plan

Suspicious

This just feels... weird

He pronounced it the normal way

Something is wrong here

He was a victim. They got the wrong guy

No. No, this is all wrong. This is...

Listen, I'm still a minor, with like. Zero life experience. But even I know that this is a whole load of crap

A trophy?

That's not what he asked

That is definitely weird

Blue van. Now at least Sam knows they're being followed

Touche

It's a lead

Uh oh

Spooky

The hunger?

Poor girl

She can't have been turned more than a couple days ago. They've got the wrong person

I should've known

Because she didn't

And she can probably still be turned back

Listen to your elders!

She hasn't done anything!

Because she's a person!

And it's not her.

Victor is wrong.

Oh no

I think you really do

Oh great

Dean would know :/

Yeah, that's awesome

Really? Because it looks like the Winchester is tied up, while the vamp is free, and you're the one in control here.

He hesitates too long

That's the worst answer

No. You're a psychopath

Exactly

Pfft, he's insane if he thinks they'll go for it

Not everything

Yikes

Krissy, please

Don't do it

Russian Roulette

A horrible kind of torture

Well then

It'll hurt like crap first, though

Yeah, okay

I don't think that's gonna happen anymore

She doesn't like him

Okay then

Not since Victor, at least

For that profession, he is

That'll be awesome

Awww

Oh boy. Dude talk

That's true

Thanks, Dean

Right...

Do you really think that?

That's the hope

[riverbills]

River tilted his head to the side. People had defended him by insisting he wasn't that annoying or dramatic his entire life. He knew that wasn't a phrase people used when they believed what they were saying. "You don't sound convinced but I'll take your word for it." River remarked with a shrug. It was the wrong day to start arguments over nothing. He couldn't remember the last time he wanted to start an argument with Eliza. If he had to guess it was probably when he was sixteen and insufferable in a negative way. He listened attentively to Eliza brag about the excitement of the New York art scene as he took a drag from the cigarette he stole from her. He couldn't tell if the narrative she was crafting was for his benefit or hers. "Wow, that sounds awesome." River loved parties in all their various forms ; from intense nights in overcrowded clubs to subdued nights spent oversharing with strangers in mansions of people he didn't know. But sometimes LA parties felt like a soulless means to an end. People mingled there because they wanted sex or business connections. He liked the sound of parties that involved discussing the arts. "Not exactly my scene but it still sounds like a fabulous scene. Maybe I could come visit sometime? I could see one of your plays and judge if your New York art kid friends are pretentious in a good way or a bad way.” He knew it was just the grief talking. He was usually too wrapped up in his own life to reach out to the other wards. Though thankfully there was still time for him to make amends and reach out to them.

"I work in a creative field and make enough money for a house in Venice. Of course I like it." Did his life live up to the expectations he had as a kid? Absolutely not. As a teenager his dream future didn't involve being stuck in traffic every work day or writing one off episodes of teen dramas. But he was closer to his dream than most people got. He got to experience lavish parties and seeing his creations come to life. "Would I prefer to get less rejection emails? Yes but life goes on." he remarked with a shrug. It was easy to say that in hindsight. His initial reaction to rejection letters was to throw himself down on his sofa, sob and curse that exec's entire family line. "Though I'm sure you're probabaly no stranger to rejection emails either. After all, they're an occuptational hazzard in our line of work." He was hoping to commiserate with Eliza over something unrelated to Richard. But he couldn't picture her being rejected. There were countless theater actresses with doe eyes and an air of tragedy to them. But Eliza probably had the biggest eyes and most tragic air if Richard's favouritism was anything to go off.

River's eyebrows shot up in surprise. He couldn't understand how anyone could hate the beach. "The beach is a killer place to people watch. So many different kinds of people trying to have a good time. It's nice." he argued. As much as he loved being the centre of attention sometimes it was nice to sit back and observe. It gave him material for his scripts and reminded him that he existed and was a tangible part in other people's stories even though he preferred to be the main character. "You got me there. I can't be driving's defense lawyer." But driving was his favourite mode of transport bedside from rollerskating. When he drove he felt he had to worry less about something terrible going wrong. He didn't have to put his life in somebody else's hands and panic to the same extent as taking a train or plane. "Pathetic fallacy is for hacks." he stated, taking a drag from his cigarette. He neglected to mention he often used pathetic fallacy. "Plus, that's not the kind of pathetic fallacy I want in my life. Sadness should happen organically. It shouldn't be influenced by the weather." He remembered the repeated grey skies when he first moved to Woodrow.

River sighed deeply. "That was supposed to be my foray into horror. I'm not really a genre writer but I thought it would be interesting to use horror tropes as a metaphor for repressing a part of yourself. Then some dickhead producer came along and got two guys to completely change my script into a wacky horror comedy." he ranted before stopping to question if Eliza cared. He was too caught up in the lingering bitterness. "Weird how many of you stayed less than a four hour drive away when richard made sure that we had the entire world at our disposal." River couldn't judge ; he thought he would find fame and home in the city he was grew up in. "But it's nice that this place was never truly empty and he had Steph." It was hard to linger on his guilt when Eliza was pouting over Pop Tarts. He laughed gently. "The best I can do is macaroons." He gestured towards a tray of macaroons wrapped in cellophane.

"they're not that bad." she answered mildly, shrugging. hanging out with her colleagues felt a little bit like trying to fly alongside a flock of migratory birds of another species - you couldn't really tell the difference from a distance, but up close the outsider stood up clear as day. but eliza thought this was mostly her fault, and not theirs. "the parties are really cool. we drink laughable amounts of wine and fight about christopher marlowe... and there's always at least one musical person trying to start a sondheim sing-a-long. it's almost like high school cast parties." not that eliza had experienced many of those. she always preferred having a nice dinner at woodrow after shows rather than going out with the other theatre people.

river's answer about his job made her hum, turning around to stare at him with a questioning expression. "but do you like it? the job, LA..." she then shook her head with laughter, going back to exploring the cupboards. god why were there so many rice cakes... "i hate the beach and i hate driving. the sun is okay, but not all the time. i think you need horrible, stormy and gray weather sometimes, to feel a little sad." melancholia had always been comforting to her in a way, an old tethered blanket she held close and hid in from time to time. it made the soft smiles and calm mood easier to summon when needed. "c'mon, new york is fine." fine. this is how she had been describing most of her life, lately, but it still felt like the best word. wasn't that slightly pathetic? "i like the hustle and bustle, and the closeness of it all. it's like i can see a completely different world through every window." she had this one window neighbor who put red scarfs over every single one of her lamps. it made the apartment look like a flaming heaven from the outside.

"i don't think so, it was the one with a vampire and a werewolf. not really my thing but i liked it a lot." eliza's taste in film tended to gravitate between golden age technicolor pieces and sprawling period movies, preferably adapted from some book. she liked to watch fluffy, escapist stories, and reserved the more raw, complicated and negative emotions for the theatre. she would go insane if everything she watched was grotowski-esque. "aha! there we go!" she said happily, pulling a box of honey nut cheerios. that was the closest to junk food she would probably find in the house. "i know celia and alison do, probably because of the proximity. and well, me. but i think mrs. tristan would rather be caught dead than stock the pantry with pop tarts. even though i would really like a pop tart right now." she pouted slightly, focusing on ripping open the cheerios and eating a fistful of it directly from the box.

[jewishtwig]

Shabbat shalom! I'm not sure if you're going to be online between now and Sunday so if I don't see you on the internt until then, have a lovely weekend!

I'm just reaching out anonymously to sort of combined vent-and-ask-for-advice about queer Jewish conversion stuff, since I know you finished your conversion journey recently and might have similar experiences.

Basically, I'm a queer and trans Jew-in-progress with lots of queer friends who live near where I attend synagogue. And we all know that serious Christianity-related religious trauma often comes in a package deal with being queer in a culturally Christian country. You can probably tell where this is going.

My friends are all vocally supportive of my decision to become Jewish, but we have some hang-ups. I came back from Shabbat service the other week and excitedly told them that it was a children's service that morning, and that some of the kids had performed a play for us. One friend asked what play it was, then got uncomfortable really fast when I told them it was Joseph's technicolour dreamcoat.

(Side note: the play was awesome! Children have the wackiest senses of humour and there is nothing funnier than hearing a 10 year old scream "anything but the pit!!" while trying really hard not to laugh.)

Anyway -- the dreamcoat story is one my queer friends are all familiar with in some capacity from their Christian schooling. You and I are aware of the similarities (lol) and differences between Christianity and Judaism, and that we will often see versions of the same texts and tales in both contexts because of appropriation and the like. My friends understand this in theory, but gentiles will be gentiles. They hear alarm bells when I say 'dreamcoat' because it was Christian to them before it was Jewish. The fact that I chose to be excited about the play without also downplaying it by going "dont worry guys it's not the christian version!!" has noticeably damaged their opinion of me.

Things like this keep happening, where my friends will be verbally supportive, but then start acting really really awkward around the topic of religion, including when I casually mention things like no longer being free for gay brunch on Saturday mornings because of Shabbat. They're uncomfortable that I find value in the same Bible verses their Christian grandmas quote (even though I've explained that Tanakh actually tells a different story to their Old Testament and can have a completely different meaning). I swear they all think that by getting involved at synagogue, I am willingly putting myself in close proximity to Christianity, and they are either scared of me for it, or secretly think I am a traitor.

They don't understand that feeling squeamish around 'Bible-thumping religious nuts' is deeply antisemitic. They don't like it when I talk about G-d because they are convinced that the Jewish and Christian G-d are one and the same. And for the record, yes I've explained why the concept of 'Abrahamic' or 'Judeo-Christian' faith is all bullshit, and yes I've explained that they are very much not the same G-d, and the response I got from them amounted to 'well there's different beliefs about G-d but they all come from the same initial concept and refer to the same entity so they're the same'. I just gave up on trying to explain; I'm not Christian so I'm not making it my problem if they're unwilling to divorce their feelings about religion from Christianity. I'm still learning and I will not be their teacher.

The way my queer friends look at me now makes me so sad. It's like they are expecting me to start quoting Bible verses over the dinner table, or make everyone say blessings with me, or burst into a monologue about how G-d is great and everyone should believe in Him. Half the people I've 'come out' to as a convert have responded by saying "that's great I'm so happy for you! But by the way I just can't do religion, it's not for me, no offence or anything but I just don't believe in G-d." as if that's in any way necessary. And these people know me. Why do they suddenly think I've turned into the type of person to proselytise or look down on people for not being religious?? As if there's not literally a prominent Jewish teaching that bans proselytisation and promotes religious freedom among other cultures???

It's driving me nuts. My friends treat me like a stranger now. I've known some of these people for 7+ years and they know I'm a queer-as-fuck dickhead with a personality and a traumatic Catholic upbringing of my own. I've always been really vocal about my opinions and I never shut up about my hobbies. It's not like I'm their mormon grandparents, I literally post ass on twitter. But suddenly they don't know what to say when they see me. I can feel everyone treading on eggshells around me because they are expecting me to suddenly take offense at them being atheist or areligious or for eating pork idk. And on that note I've had vegan friends try to argue with me that kashrut is immoral and that I'm a terrible person for following Jewish dietary laws instead of going vegan. And don't even get me started on what they try to tweeze out of me regarding Israel.

For people who say they hate antisemitism, they sure liked me a lot more when I wasn't studying to become Jewish. I think that if they understood how much this was affecting me, they might realise what they're doing and stop, but explaining myself hasn't made them get it. I know they are not trying to be antisemitic but I feel so alienated and lonely. I was prepared to accept that my friends might not be the right people to talk to about faith, but now they won't talk to me about anything without making it awkward.

I truly do believe my soul is Jewish and that this is a journey I need to take. And if that means I lose friends for being religious then so be it. But it really fucking sucks and I don't know how to deal with it. Other people really think they have the clearest perception of religion because they're not part of one and nothing I do or say can unconvince them that my judgement is clouded by faith. I don't want to lose them. I just don't know how to make them understand what I am feeling, or if I should even bother to try. Is this a common experience, do you think?

Shabbat shalom!

I hear you, and I cannot imagine how frustrating and upsetting this situation must be for you.

I was willing to give your friends the benefit of the doubt at first, but the more I’ve thought about it and the more I’ve reread this message, the more upset I’ve gotten on your behalf.

The fact of the matter seems to me that they’re claiming to be supportive of Jews but when presented with actually future Jewishness they are not being supportive and are actually being pretty terrible.

Additionally, they aren’t being supportive of you as a person. Your choice isn’t going to impact their lives at all besides maybe needed to move a brunch date and yet they’re still alienating you. I don’t fully know the situation, of course, and it’s your choice, but from what you’ve said they don’t sound like people who have your best interests in mind and don’t seem like great friends.

Unfortunately, this isn’t an entirely uncommon situation (especially in queer spaces in my experience but that story is a tad off topic). I know I lost some friends during my conversion and it damaged my relationship with some people as well.

Ultimately I see it this way: for reasons of physical safety and mental health, if someone has an issue with me because of my religion then I don’t want to be around them.

I hope you’re able to find some supportive friends. Maybe try seeing if there’s a queer community group at your synagogue! Or start one!

I truly wish you good luck with this situation. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Congratulations on starting your conversion journey 💙