#once again proving incapable of shutting up. you're welcome.

[theladysherlock]

But that was the problem, because there was one thing that would never change... Deryn was a commoner. She was a thousand times more common than Alek's mother, who'd been born a countess, or even Lilit, an anarchist who spoke six languages and always knew which fork to use. Deryn Sharp was as common as barking dirt, and the only reason that didn't matter to His Serene Highness, Aleksandar of Hohenberg, is that she was also, in his mind, a boy.

The moment she could be anything more than a friend, she would be, and then he'd have to run a mile.

The pope did not write letters to transform orphan daughters of balloonists, or girls in boy's britches, or unrepentant Darwinists, into royalty. She was dead certain of that.

1. GOD. I remember when I read this the first time and "common as barking dirt" just broke my fucking heart. Even someone as amazing as Deryn doesn't feel like enough and that was devastating to twelve year old Lily. Baby you are so special TO ME.

2. I promise not to keep going "we'll see this more in Goliath" every single post but I'm gonna do it this time. So much of Deryn's life is something she has pulled together for herself. Her Dylan persona/identity and the accompanying job as a midshipman are two things she had to work really hard for. The line "she had to fight like mad to stay who she was" from Leviathan comes to mind, as does Goliath's "what if destiny doesn't care?" And unfortunately, being royalty isn't something she can fight her way into. The interconnected royal families of Europe work so so so hard to keep people like her out (often to their detriment... I could make a joke about some other Hapsburgs but I won't.) This class barrier is the first thing that she can't just put in the work to get over and have what she wants. And GOD that must suck. No matter how cool or talented she is, it's never going to be enough for those people.

3. BECAUSE THAT'S THE THING, SHE CAN'T FAKE IT. So much of her success is "fake it till you make it" but she can't fake being royalty! We've had enough instances of her being nervous around displays of wealth to know that she wouldn't hold it together if she tried to pull an Anastasia. Everywhere else she can pretend she belongs, but "what would a princess do" doesn't work when a) being in a damn train car makes her jittery, and b) the thought of being put back in a dress and forced to perform that kind of femininity makes her want to hurl. This is one lie she knows she can't tell.

4. Orphaned daughters of balloonists??? Last time I checked her mom was definitely still alive. Either Deryn's being dramatic (likely) or she got some news we weren't made aware of (unlikely, we'd have a whole thing about that), or Westerfeld just picked the wrong word (almost definitely what happened).

[bookwyrminspiration]

alright this is the third song ask i’ve sent in the past week and i’m so sorry for flossing your inbox but i just discovered the song infinite by oublaire and it is SUCH a keefe song i am.

It's alright, Even if! (that is your name to me), you're welcome to floss my inbox at anytime! and also you are so 100% right once again you have absolutely correct kotlc song takes

I mean we just get right into it with "No matter how hard he tries, he's left out in the cold" as one of the very first lines. That is such an intrinsic part of Keefe's character, how much effort he puts into things and yet it never works out. And often times it's his own self-sabotage because the people in his life that would save him from himself are the people he pushes the furthest away. No matter what plan he comes up, no matter how much of himself he's willing to risk (all of himself), no matter how many times he keeps throwing himself into these problems he is met with failure. He is left with bigger and bigger messes as he tries to fit the pieces back together into some semblance of a life he's horrified to realize he never truly had. He is trying so so hard! To be okay, to be a good person, to be worth something, to prove everyone wrong about him, to fix everything, but it won't work because he's trying to do it alone.

and then!! "This behavior will get you nowhere / Did you even listen?" feels exactly like how people respond to Keefe, how they treat him. They talk to him and lecture him and get promises from him that he'll change, that he's learned, and then he turns around and disregards it and they have to wonder if he even pays attention to what they said. Specifically this line reminds me of Sophie and Keefe's fight from Nightfall where she said "Though would it kill you to do the smart thing, just once, and actually listen to someone when they're giving you good advice, instead of thinking you know everything and doing whatever you want?" (pg 349). Right there is a perfect example! He doesn't listen, he doesn't change, he keeps repeating the same things that get him in trouble and into messes and into fights with the people he cares about. It's not that he's incapable of change, but he's in this mindset where he won't. He thinks he knows better and that he can deal with people being unhappy with him long enough to do what he wants where they'll then see that he's fixed the problem and then they won't be upset with him anymore. Except it never works and he keeps trying it!! It's getting him nowhere but he doesn't know how to let anyone in. He doesn't know how to be loved.

There are so many lines from this I could look at but I'll just pick one more for now, and that's "Silly boys with their hearts on their sleeves / Shutting down, making a mess of things." Had to include the first line because he's an empath and so much of his character is focused on the heart, him guarding his and reading others. He is both so private about his life and also a bleeding wound. He is full of secrets falling from his pockets and crying into rivers. He is becoming so known, a disaster put on display like a heart on his sleeve, everyone able to watch him fall apart. And his response to that is panic, is to go into this mode where he tries to fix the problem, because he doesn't have to deal with how it makes him feel or affects his life if it's no longer there. In the process, he makes mistakes, he shuts people out, and things come crashing down around him. He damages relationships and makes things harder for everyone. We watch him knowing his attempts are going to be disastrous from the start.

Anyway my point is that Keefe is such a sad character full of pain and grief and loss and loneliness who keeps pushing people away as he tries to hold the world together in his bleeding hands. He gives too much of himself in the wrong places and doesn't know how to be loved.

10/10 song choice all of the lyrics fit him so well