#on one paw i need to go back to therapy bc everything is getting worse for me and i need to talk to someone about it. on the other I Wish

[furballfaggot]

i have to cook all my own food since i can never have pretty much any of the stuff mom makes for dinner but then when i cook she always complains about some shit im doing (but i just made dinner, stop cooking so late, etc etc) and i have to help a kid do 7 school assignments every single day so i have to get up balls early and listen to someone whine like an infant and yell about shit thats very clearly and concisely explained within the first line of instructions for 5 dollars PER DAY while im dissociating 24/7 because all i have to eat that wont give me liver cancer is brown rice and one of americas worst fascists takes office in a couple weeks so ill have to live through 4 more years of active murder risk for being Insert Marginalized MAGA-Scapegoat Target Identity Here before maybe getting time to register that im even alive. but no mom deserves to be upset and not me

[cafephan]

meeting dan and phil - the full experience (7/5/18)

firstly, i’ll put this under a read more bc it could be a long old post

before we get into things i’d just like to thank @phangirlingforphan for being my rock throughout the entire day and coping with my many meltdowns, but here we go:

so i won’t bore you with the pre-build up (though if you follow me on twitter you’ll have seen it lmao), i’ll cut to when we arrive at the venue - dead on 2:30 which is the earliest we should’ve arrived, and the queue is already huge, so we were near the back, namely because i couldn’t get my makeup right and made us late leaving my friend’s flat – fifteen minutes than I ideally wanted to leave, because i wanted to be early, that’s a thing that happens a lot but anyway

we queue for a good ten minutes – during which time marianne is stood in the window just staring at us all and we’re just staring back like what’s good are you going to tell us why we’re not allowed in yet or

eventually we start being allowed in and all get wristbands (the attendant saw my wristband I bought when I saw the vamps last month and was like “ah I love the vamps I saw them the other day in birmingham!” which actually did wonders for my nerves for a while which were already in overdrive despite lily’s many many attempts to calm me down

so then we go down about eight flights of stairs and get directed into a big room (you saw it on dan and phil’s insta stories, the room with the dancefloor) and the tables that are set out are all already filled (because we were at the back of the queue) and the sweets that were set out were all on this one table that had about nine people around it and I’m 99% sure they stole them all which was sad bc sweets would’ve actually really helped me, but alas they were all gone so I was like fine whatever and we went and stood near the back of the room and I was tweeting like mad trying to calm myself down and distract myself because not only was it the hottest fucking day of the year I was also about to meet my absolute favourite people, the people that were, for a long time, the only source of happiness I had, and I was freaking the fuck out, and my face was practically glowing bc I was so warm, and the bottle of cooling spray I bought that morning was doing fucking nothing to help me and the room itself was boiling bc it had no windows.

about fifteen minutes passed and marianne came back around the screen and explained that dan and phil were about two minutes away, and we’d need to queue along the side of the dancefloor and we were allowed a selfie (“that don’t worry, dan will take with his long arms”) and one thing for them to sign, and basically to just have fun with it all – which, I was still freaking the fuck out and could barely stand up (but of course there were no free chairs so I was just stood there on my shaky legs) so literally couldn’t just have fun. 

and then they arrived.

everyone lost their shit, obviously (i filmed their entrance on my twitter, which I’m going to be promoting a fuckton in this post bc it’s where all my content is, and I’m ridiculously active on there and you should follow me @bloggerhowell) and they said something that I couldn’t hear because a) I was at the very back of the room b) my heart was pounding in my ears c) I was still overwhelmingly warm and was so uncomfortable I couldn’t focus on anything and then they disappear behind the screen and 90% of people swarm to queue.

I took advantage of the now empty chairs and went to sit down before I collapsed – whether it’d be from my own anxiety or the heat, I didn’t know, still don’t – and was just dousing myself in this cooling spray and fanning myself but nothing was working, meanwhile lily is holding our place at the back of the queue and keeps looking over to check I’m okay – which I’m not, I could feel my anxiety getting worse with every passing second, but I didn’t want to ruin her experience so waved it off as being generally fine.

Eventually I accept that my face just isn’t going to calm down and my first and only pic with dan and phil I’ll ever have will have me being a glowing tomato face and my self-hatred will intensify every fucking time I look at it, but I joined the queue again nonetheless.

Whilst we were queueing I kept spraying the cooling spray which is doing fucking nothing, and I kept tweeting to distract myself, when it comes to a point where I feel something I haven’t felt in a good few weeks, and immediately my mind starts spiralling and running away with itself because on top of everything else, I can feel myself beginning to have a fucking panic attack. So I immediately start going through all the exercises I learned at therapy (none of which work, but they’re all I had) and start rationalising with myself about the fight and flight response and all that shit, and then I remind myself which two people are now only like twenty or so steps away from me. So I took another step forward and firmly plant my feet on the ground and do more breathing exercises and rationalise with myself that it’ll all be worth it when I get around that screen, despite my glowing tomato face and the fact I’m sweating like a pig (which happens normally, just so much worse in hot weather), and somehow that helps a little. I took another deep breath and tried to focus on something else that’s present in the moment, to ground me.

So I start watching people coming back around the screen that have just met dan and phil, and every single person is fucking bawling their eyes out, which makes me significantly worse. I’ve always known that if I were ever lucky enough to have the chance to meet them, I’d break down in front of them because you know, it’s them (along with many reasons I won’t go into) and somehow seeing everyone else crying makes me like yeah okay so it’s definitely going to happen great

At this point the guy who works at city hall walks down the line and tells us to get our cameras and what we want them to sign out ready for when we meet them, so I get out my tweet collage from the plastic wallet it was in and cling to it for dear life, and it crinkles under my grip which makes me angrier at myself because I wanted to print it out on card but didn’t have time to go and buy any because I’ve been swarmed with uni work and just had no time. So by this point, I’m still borderline panic attack, now hating myself more than usual, and still warm beyond belief.

Lily keeps asking me if I’m okay, which evidently I’m not, but I don’t want to ruin her experience so I nod, until one time I just say “no I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.”

It’s at this exact second that I hear actual dan howell laugh, because I’m that close to the screen now.

I take a deep breath and grip my paper tighter (then swear under my breath at myself for it) and pin my fringe back – since I don’t need another reason to make myself warmer – and start tweeting again, and this time it’s more of a distraction than it has been before.

I tell lily again that I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, she tells me I won’t and I’ll surprise myself with how well I’ll do, and that if she can meet them once before and be absolutely fine, then I will be too. I don’t believe her, considering lily is infinitely cooler and more put-together than I am in every way, but I nod and focus on my breathing (and tweeting again)

Now it’s just one group of friends in front of us in the queue, and we’ve been hearing their conversation the whole time, and they’re all so excited, and I watch as one by one they all come back around the other side bawling their eyes out, which makes me take another deep breath and tell myself that now in about a minute, that’ll be me

Then the last person in front of us turns the corner.

Now we’re standing beside Marianne who makes awkward small talk with us:

“are you ready?”

(lily replies for the both of us because I’m genuinely too panicked to speak) “yeah, I think so, it’s just a bit surreal”

“you’ll be fine, don’t worry!”

Lily asks if it’s okay for us to film each other’s experiences and Marianne says yeah of course, and then she turns to me and says “are there any bags you want me to hold for you?”

So I hand her my backpack and tatinof tote bag, and she says “ah, someone was here before then?” and I laugh awkwardly, because my throat has closed up entirely – I can hear dan and phil talking literally three steps away from me – and then Marianne takes a step to the left, nods and then looks back to me

“ready?” she asks, and I don’t even respond, because I’m not, literally not in the slightest. I didn’t have time to rehearse what I wanted to say to dan and phil, I only have a tiny piece of paper for them to sign, I still look like a glowing tomato (despite lily telling me I looked fine) and I just could never prepare for it

“off you go” she holds out her hand to gesture me to go, and so I do.

And there are dan and phil, already smiling at me.

Phil immediately stretches out his arms and says “hello, nice to see you!” and hugs me. By this time, I’ve cracked. I’ve started crying though tears haven’t fell yet, but my voice has gone.

Whilst this is happening, dan leans over to look at me and smiles too – which, as I’m watching the video back right now, he’s got his sweater paws which is making me more emotional – and I hug phil for like two seconds – during which time dan is smiling so widely, I don’t know if he could already sense how nervous and close to crying I was – and then I move in to hug him, and he says “hi there, thank you for coming to see us” and I take a step back genuinely just to stare at them for a second because holy fuck dan and phil have their sole attention on me right now

Phil says “do you want us to sign anything?” to which I say “yes please” – my voice has cracked, keep in mind, there’s no mistaking they know I’m at breaking point tears-wise, but they don’t comment on it, and phil says “of course!”

It’s then that I hand them the tweet collage, and they spend a second or so looking at it before moving in to sign it, during which time I explain:

“It’s basically a tweet collage saying how I was never going to meet you and then I am”

And phil glances at me and smiles – whilst dan is signing it – and says “aw, well look where you are now!” which, honest to god, might be the most meaningful thing I’ve ever heard. It’s obviously me overthinking and making connections that aren’t there because obviously he’s talking about being at the meet and greet when I said I never would, but without going into detail (this is about dnp not me) I’ve gone through a lot of shit in life and have been forced to overcome some really difficult stuff, and to hear those words come from one of the two people that were basically the only constant I had during all of those times just meant the absolute fucking world to me and I really am in such a different place to where I was when I first found them, a better place than I was, and it just meant so much to me

** insert a genuine half an hour break where I just had to go and cry after writing that last paragraph sorry if the tone is different from here on out **

And dan sings “things come true!” whilst phil signs his name

Then I say “can I possibly get a message or… something, I don’t know what, whatever you feel” and phil nods and smiles then sets to writing something at the bottom of the page, and whilst he’s doing that dan says “do you want me to take the selfie for us?” to which I nod and phil takes a step to the side so I can fit in between them

And I say “can you, please?”

And dan looks down at me (keep in mind, I never have people looking down at me, in 95% of situations I’m the tallest person there), smiles and says “of course I can!”

Then – I only just heard this now despite it being my seventy seventh (approximate) time watching the video – dan says “alrighty” in that way he does and flips the camera around

I say “can we take loads in burst, so one might be decent?”

And dan laughs and says “oh yeah, in case I don’t blink in all of them” and phil says “let’s burst it up!”

Then I ask for a hand-holding picture and they’re like yeah of course and so I take their hands – which, by the way, are huge and warm and so soft, like unbelievably soft – then we get into position and dan snaps ten pictures in the space of like three seconds, during which he tries to wink but it happens too fast and in the end I just have about three half-squish-half-derp pictures of dan, and phil goes from smiling to a kind of duckface then smiles again, and I just progressively move my head further to the left – and consequently closer to dan’s shoulder which wasn’t the intention, I just could see out of my peripheral vision they were changing their expressions but I didn’t know what to do so I just moved my head more to the side apparently

And dan giggles – yes, giggles, cutest fucking sound I swear – and holds my phone down (this is on my screen record video, by the way, so I have some amazing shots of like dan’s chin) and he says “awesome! Well thank you so much for watching our videos, we really appreciate it, and phil says “yeah, thank you!” and dan hands me my phone back

At which point I tell myself, Kirsten you’re never going to get this opportunity again, go in for another motherfucking bear hug, which I do

Which is when dan lets out a soft little ‘oof’ sound and then chuckles and says “aw”, and hugs me back a lot tighter than the first time

And whilst I’m moving over to hug phil, dan says “well I hope you have a lovely time at the show tonight”

Phil also hugs me back a lot tighter than the first time, and dan again is smiling whilst I’m hugging phil

And then I say “thank you so much, seriously” and dan says “thank you!”

And as I’m turning to walk away – v v v regrettably, may I add – I’m already cursing myself for not saying any of the things I wanted to say, needed to say to them because I know I’ll never get another chance, lily shouts “Kirsten you need to take my phone!” because I need to film her meeting them so I dash over to get it and dan and phil both laugh and phil says “oh do you need to take her phone?” and then I dash back over to the other side, waving to them as I do, and say “bye then!” more cheerfully then I expected I’d be able to muster, and they smile for a second before turning their attention onto lily and I spend the next minute stood in front of them filming for her

Then we have to unfortunately leave them and get our wristbands cut off and get given our VIP tote bags and the security guard hands me my bags back, and the guy struggles to cut off my wristband because I have the vamps wristband and the standard ii wristband on already and nearly cuts me as he eventually gets it off, and then lily and I walk over to one of the back tables and she starts excitedly texting and calling people and tweeting her pictures and I just… break down.

I’d held it in – somehow – in front of them with the exception of my voice cracking, for all that time, and then was when I let it all out. Lily stopped her phonecall to comfort me, but I was inconsolable for a good two minutes at least, during which time I’d tweeted ‘well… that happened’ and people that knew I was meeting them were tweeting me back asking how it went and asking to see the pictures and the few friends I have were dming me demanding to know how it went and it was all just too much for me so I just kind of collapsed and rested my head on my arms and just let myself weep however much I wanted, I was letting out my anger at the weather, the anxiety that thankfully wasn’t at panic attack level anymore, and the overwhelming sadness that I’d fucked it all up for myself, the one chance I’ll ever have to meet them, and I didn’t fucking say anything or do anything, my mind just went blank and I was too busy putting all my self-will into not crying that I couldn’t make myself remember anything I’d told myself I needed to say

So I tweeted the pictures, people were being really really sweet and kind (thank you if you were one of these people, if you weren’t but you liked my post about it on here then thank you too), but I just couldn’t let myself believe any of it, and I couldn’t bring myself to respond to people’s questions of how it went yet, so I got the tweet collage back out and just wanted to look at their signatures, and then I noticed what phil had written in the bottom corner:

smile :) 

now I don’t know if it was because I put him on the spot to think of something to write or if it’s because he knew how obviously nervous and close to crying I was so left me a message for the future, probably the former but hopefully the latter, it still brought on a fresh wave of tears that I knew I couldn’t have held back if I tried

so once I’d cried over that, I tweeted a picture of it and immediately people started being really sweet once again and people started quote tweeting it saying how soft it was – which it is, obviously – but it will always have that deeper meaning for me, just like aw, well look where you are now! will (hence it being my twitter bio – that @ name again is bloggerhowell *clicks tongue*)

a favourable mention of a tweet reply I got to the collage was someone saying ‘lol you can tell dan wrote it bc of the scrawly writing’ when it was actually phil, he was just resting the paper on my arms whilst he wrote and I was just shaking like a leaf, which I still find p funny

then I realised that I still had my letter, nobody had come around to collect it, so I wiped my eyes (and grimaced when I saw how much of my eyeshadow came off as I did, I didn’t dare to even think of the state of my makeup) and walked up to one of the staff and asked her, and she said she’d go and check, and walked off

so naturally I took the time to take a couple of steps to the left so I could see dan and phil again, and I smiled when I saw the huge smile on the fan they were meeting at that point, deep in conversation, but there was that inevitable chest pang that that could have been me if I hadn’t frozen in place and forgotten how to fucking speak

the staff member came back and said “I can take it for you?” so I handed it to her and walked back over to the table – I don’t know where she took my letter, I didn’t think to look, so she literally could’ve thrown it away right there and then for all I know, even though the letter does have a lot of stuff in I wanted to say but knew I wouldn’t, so if they do someday read it I’ll have fucked up a little less – and took a deep breath and started replying to tweets to pass the time until everyone else met them

when the last person came out from meeting them, everyone kind of stopped talking, and everyone just turned their attention to the screen, and we all waited for dan and phil to step out, which they eventually did (and I filmed it and tweeted it, you know the drill by now) and then they waved at us, said they’d see us later and then left, at which point the staff members immediately started walking over and trying to usher us out but I was like hahahaha no mate not until my ugly ass handwriting is in the guestbook

so I fought my way to the guestbook and picked up the only remaining free pen and waited for someone to give me some room to write my own message – I ended up having to wait nearly three minutes until someone finished writing their essay long message so we could turn the page – and then wrote the most basic thing, but my hand was still shaking and I was still ridiculously warm – then we left and went to get a drink because I needed to rehydrate after crying out everything I had and then we waited until the show

which, by the way, if anyone wants me to do a post about the show (with or without spoilers, but if there are spoilers I’ll make sure to make it really clear don’t worry) then let me know, because I’d be more than happy to!

but yeah that about concludes my meeting with dan and phil, I do regret parts of it massively, I completely choked up and didn’t get to say anything I wanted to, I didn’t get full length individual pictures like I wanted, but it could also have gone a lot lot worse

at the end of the day, for all those two guys have done for me, I owe them my life, and meeting them was wholly indescribable. Should I ever have the opportunity, which I don’t think I ever will, I’ll do it again in a heartbeat, just hopefully as a more put-together, less-panicky and anxious person, less constantly on the brink of tears.

I didn’t get to thank them for the past eight years, I didn’t get to thank them for all they’ve done and continue to do for me, but I got to hug (twice) the people that have kept me going when nothing and nobody else could, and all in all that’s enough.  

[ksmingyu-blog]

*waves* late to the party is my middle name aight lets get this party started kiddos hihi I'm Koko and ecstatic to be here at last~ do come say hi to my slow ass and my unfortunate child Mingyu -- he's just gone through some rough stuff but hides it behind a confident indifference & smiles & being too into other people’s business etc you’ll see--

anyhoo profile here (wip tbh) & background.. to remain undisclosed cause it's trash you don't need it, live in the suspense ha. take a look at my rules tho thanks I'm working on the rest bear with me, a snail supreme. do proceed forward for some random tidbits of info I guess?? also come plot with me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

so ye his family is mega rich and he's super spoiled always got what he wanted, mainly because he just asked for it ( nicely mind you he ain't one of those whiny sons of bishes ) and his parents were the worst they set little to no limits and apparently were incapable of denying him anything ever. not that he had to fight for stuff to begin with lmao

buuuut they were also very distant when it came to anything else other than making sure he was dutifully studying, which they put aggressive focus on. keyword 'aggressive'

used to accidentally say insensitive shit to people because he had no sense of tact back then honestly all his parents ever commented was how cute he was and gave him a pat on the head while sneering at the 'lesser beings' like what type of adulting

this all totally flew over his head though he never meant anything bad by the words and he just wanted to be friends with everyone and wished everyone was happy and had all the things he had bless this boy

he shared a lot of his stuff with his lil sis too simply because he wanted to. Mingyu adored her to space and back -- still does

the only loving, genuine, healthy and lasting relationship he's ever truly had is with his sister. would die for her. no hesitation.

literally his childhood as homeschooling started was just STUDYSTUDYSTUDY seven days a week his parents and teachers pretty much ran him to the ground before boy was even eight

he went to private schools for middle & high school. mostly focusing on studying still but as he had more freedom to do as he pleased without having anyone monitoring his every move he started making friends and stuff and wanting more-- it was a ride to say the least, he learned some wanted to befriend him just for his money which was hurtful tbh but also he doesn’t blame them?? much? only thing that really got to him in the long run was that everyone wanted something from him and had ulterior motives so he’s definitely prone to having some trust issues.

fast forward some years and his life is pretty much set for him by his parents and Mingyu has no say in it whatsoever, he will go to the school they picked ( paid their way in because honey you're great but we can't take risks this is very important for your future and interests... ) and major in what they want and get a damn scholarship if it kills him and he's realized there's no way out this is his price for having everything, he's living just to fulfil his parent’s goals and whims

so he acts like the good son and starts college and studies like mad because that's what he's accustomed to but also almost out of spite and sense of justice and wanting to show them-- show everyone who whispers behind his back about how he got into the school that he'll earn the grades by himself thank you very much

but he's so angry?? still?? and he's not the only one okay yeah so this small squad forms of all these justice seeking kids who never wanted this crycry ( i feel the need to point out Mingyu was partially happy to be in such a prestigious school but none of it was him ) and they start plotting all kinds of shit right yeah lets just say it got out of hand fast. real fast. if he learned something from the experience it was that money can buy you a whole lot of things, fun and pleasure, friends, but it doesn't buy you out of trouble. especially when it's made public-- BUT so hey keep in mind tho this was swept under the rug quick so it didn’t really spread anywhere.. save kids telling it forward but anyway you're curious aren't you hA keep guessing

he's humiliated, kicked out of the school right before Christmas, and now his parents are raging and a breath away from actually disowning him -- lbr they would neVER, just to save face. but they give him a last chance to redeem himself months later-- funny that, he's back to where he started, except in a worse school, with less value, less of everything, no friends ( not that he would call the ones from before any such now, fake hoes the lot of them ) and this time he has no support to speak of from anyone, much less parents beside a small fund ( let it be said this 'small fund' is still ridiculous compared to anyone struggling with their income like... his family has such distorted concept about spending money ) and orders on what they expect by the end of this school career at Keisung. namely that he's learned his lesson or some shit honestly Mingyu is over it by now he's just focusing on surviving and pawing way for himself and trying to find some resemblance of reason behind this entire farce

RELEVANT INFO;; throughout the 2 years he's never gone home for holidays, he never gets calls from his parents or anything else, only his sister keeps in contact with him regularly and has even visited ( in secret ). but his mom does text him when there's some important event he's expected to attend because they still expect certain things from him and his future. so he might be gone a random night and be EXREMELY moody/snappy/sensitive the next day...s. ye. it is not spoken of. don't ask. he wont tell anyway. it just fucks him up a lil, being any amount of time in the presence of his parents is like taking three steps back and he needs to bounce back from it. honestly this boy needs therapy. a way out. something. friends.

tbh he's in the way to becoming good in compartmentalizing, instead of dissociating which is.. good? I guess? progress??? like boy is so out of touch with his emotions to begin with don't even get me started-- it's kinda unstable progress all around he gets these pouts of sudden EMOTIONS and then tries to smother them bc he's so used to thinking he's not allowed to feel or express any of it

freshman year was utter hell for him, beside feeling dead exhausted over months of.. abuse, to put it nicely, and focusing more on healing and trying to adapt and keep afloat-- he also quickly learned to keep his mouth shut and stay in his corner and avoid any more trouble than he's been in already because it really did nothing to help his nerves-- the damage was done though and he was a target for a while until the storm calmed and he was more or less forgotten

just to twist the knife in his lungs his parents donated to the school and it was made public :)

by the end of the first year he made a resolution, refusing to step down and act a coward any longer, gaining back lost confidence ( be it fool's kind ) and tried to make himself an actual presence within the Inferiors, a title and group he detested before-- still does but tries to accept now cause there's little else he can do and isolating oneself is less than safe in this school. which is something he did throughout the first year pretty much. I mean a lot of it was also because he didn't have the energy to deal with people, needing space and shit

so yeah now as he's close to his junior year Mingyu has been making a name for himself sorta nothing grand but he's been more involved, more out there, giving less fucks yet still very cautious but that is only healthy in this environment

following that he's now stepping in as a second in command of the inferiors!! fun times I'm sure. also I totally assume the previous one was a senior who graduated? yeah roll with it

basically he tries to steer clear of conflicts while promoting healthy self assurance -- and not caring about what any jealous idiot spits at you-- giving a helping hand to the younger ones cause from own experience he's decided he might as well do something about this crappy social construct ruling the academy that does no good for anyone. but also if you come for him, if you come for ANY of them, he ain't gonna make it that easy

also he's a newly appointed student council treasurer, calling out shitty financial decisions by everyone and anyone cause while he likes to spend and throw his own money around ( old habits die hard ) for simple pleasures he's smart enough to know to do such only because he can afford to

he's totally a justified asshole about it too if you're trying to start beef when before he stayed silent and just took it now he's barking back he's taking none of that shit anymore oh you're a piss poor envious monkey too bad bye. all the while smiling cause he was raised with proper manners >_> but if you're really actually in need of money and ask nicely he might help. just might. not necessarily for free but ya know

joined the taekwondo class halfway through sophomore year. try him bitch. I dare. actually pls don't he's a sensitive soul in need of some lovin ha HA.

anyhoo backtracking to boyhood-- parents made him take piano lessons for no other reason that to boast BUT SIKE he really got into it and once he had that down he was allowed to pick another instrument. Lemme tell you he's basically a pro pianist he's taken lessons and played it for over 14 years-- except he stopped awhile back cause it's so.. bad memories. even tho he loves it?? it's just a mush of conflict ok. another one he's quite handy with is cello with more than 7 years of experience. tried violin for a good 2 years. later on got interested and switched to traditional korean instruments of which he's played the komungo about 6 years, and haegeum since he started at Keisung pretty much.

music is kinda like an escape. not kinda, IT IS.

his music taste is just all over the place too don't even ask me he likes all sorts of glitch hop and chill edm and synthwave and jazz and post-rock and hiphop meets classical and indie plus some kpop groups

speaking of, he's done a handful of piano and cello covers of popular and less so songs that he posted on youtube over some years back honhon

I'm absolutely going to make this a plot in the future someone should nudge him back into playing piano too, or better yet lure him into creating a band or some shit

has a decent singing voice, it's not trained despite having taken a few lessons but he's ridiculously insecure about it lmao you'll never catch him doing anything more than humming and mouthing words.

also his recommendation for any song mixing regardless of genre will deadass be "needs more stringstrument"

did ballet for 5 years could probably dropkick you without a hair out of place. not that he would. unless you give him reason to. that wasn't an invite

likes drinking, doesn't smoke, has tried party drugs here and there but--- as this all is part of what landed him in this mess he's a little more.. careful. 'little' being relative word here

motto might as well be "party hard, live harder" or something.  which isn't as healthy as it might sound

so music acts as a de-stressing tool sometimes but also sex works he's not picky-- I mean yes he is with bed partners if you don't know what you're doing don't even bother. kinda freaky. and mouthy. but very attentive?? I'm just. gonna. leave that as a notion.

a health preacher to a point, will bitch about everyone's unhealthy habits. regularly exercises and eats all his veggies too. but also the kind to forget to eat for hours cause he was "too busy studying".

gets headaches though if he overworks himself, prone to stressing when he's overwhelmed

he's lactose intolerant jsyk

drinks coffee like it's oxygen -- contrary to popular belief he's not a regular at the nearest Starbucks, but instead visits this smaller cafe that makes bomb sea salt cream iced coffee he orders with coconut cream & half coconut sugar half whatever flavored syrup he's craving, with 2 shots of espresso.... yes. pretentious as hell but it's tasty sue him

lovesloveslooooves to play overwatch! tho he's not the best when it comes to technique and stuff but it's just fun ey for those who know anything about the game his fav heroes be d.va ( obviously ) sombra, zenyatta, lucio & symmetra ( more lore wise than playing -- meanwhile mun is all up in her ass in both aspects )

idk this is a damn novel already you get the idea ye just come to me so we can plot uwu I’m totally down and in fact craving for some pre-est too *winkwink*

[msbunky]

Oh, today’s post is a goody!!!

Today, I’m talking about creature comforts…and by that, I mean the pets that bring us comfort when we’re in pain, or just needing a little extra loving. This is a guest post and I’m going to be introducing you to several of my Internet friends and their furry companions.

Lets start with Catherine Taylor and her Bichon Chloe. Catherine shared this with me:

Bichons in general are very loyal and Chloe and I bonded from the start. It was like she imprinted on me … she was my shadow. When she was a pup, we had her outside one day, playing in the girl’s sandbox/play centre. It had a small slide and the girls put her at the top of it and ‘encouraged’ her to slide down it. Chloe was having nothing to do with it. I went to the bottom of the slide, crouched down and called to her. She turned around and saw me and tentatively made her way to the top, looked around once and then slid down to my waiting arms. This dog trusted me 100%. I love animals and feel privileged when an animal trusts me. I believed this dog would risk her life for me, if she had to. We were friends for life.

Chloe comfy in the chair

When I developed fibromyalgia, she stayed by my side as I spent more time in bed resting. She could have stayed near the action (and food) with other members of the family downstairs, but she became a fixture, literally, at my feet and often lying over them. It was like having a weighted therapy blanket (didn’t know about those back then). She wasn’t too heavy, just the perfect amount of pressure to make me feel snug and my feet warm, which are usually cold. She’d stay for the duration while I slept. Wherever I was, she was beside me.

Chloe laying on Mommy’s legs in bed!

As anyone can tell you, it’s comforting and soothing to have the warmth and devotion of another being close by, one that doesn’t require anything from you. Studies have shown that blood pressure and heart rate decrease when petting an animal. Chloe passed away last year and I miss having her by my side.

What a sweetheart!!!

Our next guest is Elaine Zena Feather and her precious rescue baby Felix

Felix is my gorgeous rescue fur baby. He’s been with me almost a year and a half and he was barely more than a kitten when arrived. My granddaughter named him Felix which is also special. We’re not sure if he had been abandoned but he was definitely very nervous. He was happy to come to me straight away and have cuddles but he kept finding little hidey holes when we first got home (including diving into my drawer under the bed and he would not come out lol. My son had to remove the drawer and coax him out. Before long he made himself right at home, stretching his long, furry body out on the carpet.

Stretched out!

  He is such a loving boy and will lie right next to me wherever I am, snuggling up and wanting lots of cuddles. He will lie on my lap and turn himself over so he’s lying in my arms. Then he’ll put his paws up to my face for me to kiss them. I cannot imagine my life without him. He follows me round like a dog and comes running when I call. He’s very vocal and “chats” away to me. He really is a comfort and is loved by all my family. He is also very good with my grandchildren especially my grandson who was totally besotted with him. He has beautifully long fur and is happy to be brushed and will even roll over for me to do both sides lol.

Felix showing off his luxurious fur

His one “downfall” is he keeps bringing me “presents” which I do my best to rescue and then release back into the wild. Unfortunately I have ended up being bitten a few times by rescued mice and boy does it hurt. I just sometimes forget because I just want to try to pick them up before they disappear somewhere in my house that I won’t be able to find them. I can’t really blame Felix though because it’s what cats do and we have amazing open fields at the back of us which is a great hunting ground. They say having an animal reduces stress and stroking them is very good to reduce blood pressure but also to keep you alive longer. I totally believe that’s true cos having my snuggles with Felix is wonderful and makes me forgive him anything……..even him waking me up at 4am to go out lol xxx

Elaine and Felix cuddling each other

I love how furry Felix is!!

Our next guest is Julie Villefana and her Old English Sheepdog Don Pedro

I have been living and coping with having Fibromyalgia as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for many years. At the beginning I slept a lot, as well as cried and generally felt very unhappy. My mum lived with us, so I was busy hanging out with her. She basically got me out and about as little as I did. Then about 10 years ago my mum had a stroke and was first hospitalized and then placed in a Nursing Home. I was devastated. I had lost my only friend who really understood, or at least tried to understand my new-found life. Even though I am happily married, my hubby is away a lot. So, about 8 yrs ago we decided to get an Old English Sheepdog. We named him Don Pedro and he was 8 weeks old when we brought him home.

8 weeks old

He was so small that he fit on my mum’s tray on her wheelchair! He forced me to not only have to take him out to do his business and general exercise, but also to learn to smile again. He brought and still does, bring such joy to the world! He attracts attention wherever we are. Many stop to ask questions about him, to which I have to reply, naturally. He made me happy again. Sometimes I feel that I have to dress the part to just take him outside to be seen by the world. Plus, he is such a character and certainly has a personality of his own.

Playing with his girlfriend

If it weren’t for him my life would be very much duller. He seems to have adopted my lifestyle in that he rests when I do, which is a lot. Plus he seems to sense when I am at my worse and snuggles beside me on our bed. (We actually had to get a bigger bed as he tends to jump in ours and slowly push us to the edges so that he can stretch out)! I post a lot of pictures of our Don Pedro on Facebook and Instagram, etc, because he is so photogenic and adorable to us at least.

Look at that smile!

Just being adorable

We have been on the front page of the news twice, including even winning a Lookalike Competition! And now that we have recently moved to Victoria, he is constantly being photographed by the massive array of tourists. Yes I realize that his breed don’t live forever, and we hope that he will be with us for many more years of sheer joy, we know that he will leave us one day, where I will have to carry on as best I can, but for now I will enjoy everything that he has to offer. I thoroughly recommend an OES for anyone housebound and in constant pain as am I.

    Julie and Don Pedro enjoying the snow

I can’t wait to meet Don Pedro as Julie and I are friends in real life and she just moved to my town of Victoria, BC!

And finally, there’s my pet, Dorie. What can I say about my sweet kitty? We’ve had her for 9 years now, since she was a kitten and she is definitely MY cat.

Dorie at 10 weeks old

She plays with Ray but she cuddles with me and I’m the one she curls up to at night when it’s bedtime. She sleeps tucked right up beside my tummy, as tight as she can and only moves when I need to get up to pee. She waits for me to come back and get comfy and then *boom* she’s right back in there again!

She seems to instinctively know when I’m having a bad day too. She loves to come curl up in my lap on those days, offering me comfort. On other days, when I’m blogging or otherwise occupied on the computer, she’ll stay close enough to wait to an opportunity to sneak onto my lap whenever she can!

Just waiting for her moment!

Dorie has two special toys that she considers her babies – a blue crocheted string and a small stuffed bunny. She carries Bunny and String around the house, chirping at them and leaving them in the strangest places. We’ve found them in the food bowl before, and I once found Bunny in the recycling bin and the bathtub! Our rule is that we never move them unless absolutely necessary.

Bunny and String

Here I’d only set my motorcycle helmet down for a short while but apparently it was a good home for both toys! Dorie makes me laugh with her antics and I think that’s one of the best things a pet can do for you when you live with chronic pain – laugh!

Do you have a pet that helps you feel better? Tell me about it in the comments below and if you’d like to be featured in a post like this in the future, send me your information in the Contact Me form and I’ll be in touch!

Thanks for reading!

There is always hope!

Creature Comforts Oh, today's post is a goody!!! Today, I'm talking about creature comforts...and by that, I mean the pets that bring us comfort when we're in pain, or just needing a little extra loving.