#on god guys before she came over my mom (who keeps ignoring im gay but thats a whole nother enchilada) literally was like 'i know you hate

[cowboy-robooty]

mark my fucking words papa robooty is drawing tonight

[ishhbowl]

ALRIGT LETS GO!!!! fic also includes: very gay rand and very very bisexual kian, kian stutter hc, rand/kian weird closeted teenage relationship (was planned to end in a bizarre ambiguous nbr polycule as god intended), lots and lots of 60s/70s internalized everything

its fucking long so im keeping that shit under the cut

He was 8 years old when he met Rand. It was recess time at Galloway Elementary, September of 1959, and Rolan was sitting cross-legged on the ground, absentmindedly picking at pieces of grass, when a boy with scruffy brown hair and a gap between his two front teeth came up to him.

The boy sat down next to him with an oomph. “Hi. Did you know that if you blow on grass, it makes a whistle sound?” He picked a piece of grass and put it between his hands, and tried to blow on it, to no avail.

“Um… no, I didn’t know that.” Rolan scooched away from the boy slightly. “Who are you?”

“I’m Timmy. And you’re Rolan, I know. We’re in the same class. I don’t like Miss Grant much. She says that I talk too much and listen too little. What do you think of her?” He tried to blow onto the grass again. “Kian told me this worked, what a liar,” he grumbled.

“I think she’s alright. She doesn’t say anything like that to me,” Rolan said quietly. He picked a long strip of grass.

“Well, that’s because you don’t talk in class. She only likes the kids who don’t say nothing, even when what I have to say to her is real clever. Ain’t that a bite.”

“Um… yeah, that stinks.” Rolan put the piece of grass between his fingers and blew on it. To his surprise, it made a whistling noise.

“Woah! How’d you do that?”

“I dunno, I just put my hands like this and then…” He blew on the grass again, replicating the whistle.

“Maybe you’re just good at it.” Timmy dropped his grass. “This is lame anyway. Wanna see who can swing the highest?”

“Er… I’m… scared of heights.” Rolan fidgeted awkwardly. “Why did you come over here, anyway?”

“‘Cause you’re actually cool, unlike everyone else in this school. They’re all wet rags. Except for Kian, but he’s not in our recess. He’s a year younger than us, but he already knows everything about everything. You should meet him, I’d think you’d like each other ‘cause you’re both smart.”

“Uh, thanks! I guess. I’ve never been called cool before.”

“Well, you are. Wanna play tag?” Timmy got up and held out a hand for Rolan.

“…Sure, okay!” Rolan took his hand and helped himself up.

Timmy tapped him on the arm. “You’re it, then!” He turned around and took off.

“Hey! No fair!” Roland started running after him, laughing through his words.

(Not long after that, Timmy would introduce Roland to his friend Kian, and soon you’d be hard-pressed to find one of them without the other two in tow.)

He was 10 years old in October of 1963, and it was Kian’s birthday. The boys were walking down the sidewalk, a newly-10-year-old Kian leading the way, chest puffed out proudly. Rolan was shocked, as usual, at how mellow Kian’s mom was. She had let them go around town wherever they wanted so long as they got back in time before their parents picked them up. Rolan’s parents would rather die than let him even cross the street without walking next to him.

Maybe his parents had the right idea, though. Kian turned around to look at them with a mischievous glint in his eyes, the kind that made Rolan nervous just by looking at him. “Hey, d-do you guys want to go, mm, go get candy from the Quik Stop?”

“I don’t have any money,” Rolan said. “Anyway, we just had cake. We don’t need any more sugar, or you guys’ll get all hyper and do something that gets us in trouble.” Rolan had quickly taken the role of the responsible one of the group, a job he took as seriously as he could without being called a party pooper. 

“We don’t- don’t need any money,” Kian said, prudently ignoring the second part of Rolan’s statement. If Rolan was the responsible one, Kian was his opposite. His voice became a whisper. “My sister and her friends get stuff without money from there all the time. All we need to do is, mm, is hide what we take from the cashier.”

“That’s stealing!” Rolan gasped. “I don’t wanna go to jail!”

“Yo, for real?” Timmy- who now went by Rand, having grown out the childish old nickname, said. “They just take stuff? And don’t get caught?”

“W- well, it’s not bad if they’re stealing from- from the store. Think about it. They have all that candy and stuff there, and no one would even notice if it was gone. And they don’t get caught, ‘cause th- they’re sneaky about it.”

“Dude, that’s far out.” Rand grinned. He took his role as Kian’s enabler as seriously as Rolan did his. “Let’s do it.”

“We’re not stealing anything!” Rolan protested. “If my mom finds out that we did something illegal, she’ll never let me hang with you guys again!”

“Come on, Rolan. Live a little!” Kian patted him on the back. “For my birthday. Pleeease?”

“Mmmhgg…” Rolan responded, realizing he had no say in this decision.

They set off towards the Quik Stop, Rolan trailing in the back, grumbling about not wanting to get caught by the police. But, he didn’t try to stop them. He never could, not really.

A bell jingled as they walked into the store. Rolan gulped. The person at the counter was a tired looking teenager, flipping through a magazine.

“Act cas- casual,” whispered Kian. He put on a smile and waved to the teenager. "Hi there! We're just going to look, mm, look around."

The teen looked up from their magazine to raise their eyebrows at them. "...Cool. Have fun."

"Y- yup! Cool!" Kian gave them a thumbs-up before speed-walking into the snack aisle.

"'Act casual', huh," Rand said with a smirk.

Kian scoffed. "Don't patronize me." He turned around. “Alright, only t- take whatever you can fit in your pockets.”

While Kian started shoving SweeTarts into his jacket, Rolan stared at the cashier in the front of the store. He watched as they closed the magazine they were reading, and his heart caught in his throat. This is it. We're really going to jail, aren't we. However, the teenager just reached down and picked up another magazine, and started reading that one. Rolan let out a sigh of relief.

"Come on, don't just stand there- stand there, take something!" Kian elbowed Rolan.

"I- I'm not hungry."

"It's not about the candy, dummy. Come on, dude! Don't be a wuss."

"I'm not a wuss!"

"Oh yeah?" Kian raised an eyebrow and shoved a pack of Lemonheads in his hands. "Sh- show me."

Rolan huffed and shoved the candy in his pockets. "Fine. But if we get caught by the cops, I'm saying it was all your idea." He looked around. "Hey, where's Rand?"

"Right here," said Rand, appearing from a different aisle. "You guys ready?"

"Yup, let's go." Kian led the way back to the front of the store. The three of them had guilty, hunched-over postures, and mixed with Kian's bulging pockets and the severe shade of red on Rolan's face, they looked like criminals indeed. Luckily for them, the cashier didn't even spare them a glance as they walked out with sweaty palms and shaking knees, the cheerful bell at the door ringing like police sirens as they left. They walked for a pace or two before running madly away from the store, laughter bubbling up from Kian and Rand and even Rolan, who felt on the verge of an anxious breakdown. He had just let his friends commit a crime! Not even just that, but he'd committed one himself! His brain could barely handle the thought, so he laughed.

"See?" Kian panted after they slowed down at an old tree in a grassy space at the edge of town. "T- told you it would be fun." He emptied his pockets. "Let's look- look at our loot."

Kian put his candy in a pile at the base of the tree. Rolan added the Lemonheads he took, and mentally added up what it would've cost if they'd purchased it. He and Kian together had stolen maybe a dollar’s worth of candy- more than he would’ve ever considered spending if they had bought it. He felt like he just might faint.

Rand dug a small metal rectangle out of his pocket. Grinning to himself, he flicked open the top of the rectangle and made a motion with his thumb. A tiny blue and white flame flickered out onto the top of the object, dancing dangerously in the October breeze.

Rolan gasped.

"Holy moly," Kian said, eyes wide. "Rand! You stole a lighter?"

Rand turned off the lighter and slipped it back into his pocket. He shrugged with a cocky smile. "What can I say? I saw it, I wanted it." He turned around and made a gesture for them to follow. "Come on, let's get to Kian's house before our parents come. Don't forget your candy."

"Wow," Kian murmured as he watched Rand walk off. "Wow."

Rolan realized later that that might've been the first time he saw someone fall in love.

He was 13 years old in the summer of '65, and the boys were sleeping over at his house. This was partly because Rolan's parents didn't let him go to Kian's house anymore (potentially due to the half-melted pack of Lemonheads that appeared in his pockets a few years ago with no explanation as to how it got there) and partly because Rand didn't like them coming over to his place, but it was mostly because Rolan's house was the only place with a basement big enough to fit all three of them in sleeping bags. It was dark out, the only light provided being from the crack under the door to the upstairs, where his father was likely awake grading papers. 

Rolan wondered what time it was. Midnight? 12:30? He should really be asleep by now. The worst thing you could be on a pleasant summer day was tired and grumpy, he believed. But try as he might, he couldn’t fall asleep.

"Hey," he heard someone whisper. It sounded like Rand.

"Hey," responded what sounded like Kian.

"Is he up?" Rolan didn't move. He should really be sleeping by now, and he wasn’t in the mood to talk. The sleepless grumpiness was already getting a hold on him.

There was a shuffling noise, and then a pause. "No- no, he's sleeping."

"Mm." There was another shuffling noise. "It's just us, then."

"Ye-yeah." Fleetingly, Rolan remembered Kian's birthday party, the awe in Kian's eyes, the whisper in his voice. Something uncomfortable squirmed inside him. He shoved the thought out of his mind.

There was a beat of silence. “Let’s play a game,” whispered Kian.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Here’s the game: tell me something you’ve never- never told anyone else before.” There was a strange, breathy quality in Kian’s voice. “Tell me a secret.”

“That… doesn’t sound like much of a game.” Pause. “Okay.” Rolan could hear Rand take a breath, could hear Kian fidget under his sleeping bag, could hear soft footsteps and the flick of the light switch as his dad finally finished his grading and turned off the lights upstairs.

There was a shaky exhale. "I..." Rand whispered. "I like- I mean, um. I like boys. Like, I like-like them. Not just like."

"Oh." The silence was tangible, as was the darkness. Rolan thought he might suffocate in it.

There was finally a noise as Kian moved to be closer to Rand. Rolan realized he had gone to hold his hand. Rolan closed his eyes even tighter. This conversation wasn't meant for him. He felt like he was intruding on it.

"I'm scared," whispered Rand. “I’m really scared.”

"You'll- you'll be okay," Kian whispered back. "You're gonna be okay. I- I'll be with you, so you'll be okay."

The three of them were plunged into silence once more, and the dark and the quiet reminded Rolan of drowning. He thought that they were maybe looking into each other's eyes, which didn't make sense, because it was too dark to see anything at all. Maybe they didn't need to see, though. Maybe they just knew where each others' eyes were.

"My secret was going to be that I used Rolan's toothbrush by accident tonight," Kian whispered, still looking into Rand’s eyes. There was a pause between the two of them before they were sent into a fit of giggles.

"Shh! Shh!" Rand whispered in between laughs. "You'll wake him up!"

But it didn't matter, because Rolan was wide awake. And he didn't get very much sleep for the rest of the night, drowning in nighttime.

Rolan was 15 years old in 1968, and Kian, Rand, and him were still friends, somehow. It wasn't like there was much of a selection of people to choose from- Galloway High was small, and the tenth grade was even smaller. Everyone came into high school knowing who their friends were, and things like that seemed impossible to change.

It was a Wednesday, and the weather was bright and warm, a faint chill on the breeze the only signal that it was autumn once more. Rolan was putting things in his locker, Rand was talking excitedly about some book about the occult he'd read, and Kian was blowing bubbles out of gum and then popping them with his teeth.

Rolan finished putting his things away and turned to close his locker when Rand elbowed him in the ribs.

"Ow! What the-" 

Rand grabbed his arm and turned him around, gesturing with his head. "Someone wants to talk to you," he said quietly.

Rolan looked over his shoulder. On the other side of the hall, three girls stood shoulder-to-shoulder, whispering to each other. The two on either side kept glancing at Rolan and giggling, and the middle one was looking at the ground, her face red. Rolan felt his neck heat up.

"Are they making fun of me?" He asked Rand.

Rand shrugged. "I don’t think so. Maybe. Girls are a mystery, bro."

The girls walked over to where they were standing, dragging the one in the middle behind them. "Amanda has something to say to you," the left one said, pushing the girl in the middle in front of Rolan.

Amanda Baker, Rolan recognized, didn't make eye contact with him. She had brownish hair and glasses, and her face was the shade of Kian's bubblegum.

"Um…” She fidgeted with the buttons on her shirt. “Do you want to go to homecoming with me?" 

Rolan felt himself pale. He looked at his friends, eyes wide. What should I say? He tried to ask with his face. Or rather; How do I say no?

Unfortunately, that question didn't seem to come across as Kian was grinning through his bubblegum and Rand had his eyebrows raised encouragingly. 

Amanda looked up at him, and he saw the hope in her eyes. This was something she really wanted, for whatever reason. "Uh- sure!" Rolan answered panickedly, the words regretted as soon as they left his mouth. As the three girls walked away, congratulating a furiously blushing Amanda, he turned around and banged his head on his locker door.

“Hey man, congrats!” Rand said, patting Rolan on the back.

“Yeah, nice catch, bro,” said Kian, before popping his gum obnoxiously. “Amanda’s choice. Kind of a dork, though. You guys’ll get along great.”

“Uh… yeah, thanks,” Rolan said, voice small. “Wait, what?”

The bell rang then, and Rolan rushed off to class, desperate to clear the interaction from his mind. But try as he might to focus on his schoolwork for the rest of the day, Rolan couldn’t think about anything else. He didn’t know why he was reacting like this. Amanda was nice enough, though a bit quiet. She was sort of popular, but wasn’t bratty about it. She was also, Rolan supposed, pretty, in a way. Which is why it really didn’t make sense that he felt so clammy and nauseous when he thought about dancing with her. Really, he should be jumping for joy at the thought of someone asking him out to homecoming. Guys like him didn’t have chances with girls. So why did the idea make him feel so sick inside?

As the days crept forward, the thought of going out with Amanda didn’t lose its effect on Rolan. He mentioned his nerves to Kian once, who just laughed.

“Dude, relax. You’re gonna be fine! I know you don’t have experience with girls-”

“Shut up.”

“-It’s true, isn’t it? Anyway, you don’t have to worry about her not liking you. All you gotta do is look her in the eyes and give her one of those trademarked Rolan Deep smiles, and she’ll be head-over-heels for you.”

Rolan rolled his eyes. “You’re messing with me.”

“What? No! My advice is genuine. It’s from the heart, man,” he said, putting his hand on his chest. “I mean, how do you think I get all the babes I do?” Kian gave a girl passing by a wink, and she started blushing and giggling with her friends. He crossed his arms with one eyebrow raised smugly.

“What- what was-” Rolan put his hands on his temples. “I don’t even want to know. My question wasn’t even about her liking me or not. Actually, I hope she doesn’t.”

“Why n- not?” Kian asked, taken aback.

“I- I just… I don’t know. Whatever. It’s fine. Thanks, Kian.” He walked away, leaving Kian watching him, confused and concerned.

Eventually, the day of the dance came. He got dressed up in the nicest clothes he had (a blue button-up shirt and slacks) and walked to the school, shaking and sweating in the Louisiana heat. Despite it being nearly November, the air was hot and muggy, and the polyester of the clothes clung to Rolan’s nervous frame.

When he got there, he met Amanda at the front of the school. She had a yellow dress on, and she was beaming at him when he walked over to her.

“You came!” She said, a hint of surprise in her voice.

“Yeah, I did,” Rolan said, realizing he could’ve just stayed home and been a jerk. He felt ashamed at how appealing that option seemed.

Amanda took her hand in his, and if she made a face at how cold and clammy it was, Rolan was too anxious to notice it. As they walked over to the gymnasium where the dance was being held, Rolan craned his neck to look for Rand and Kian. They had both gotten dates of their own, which was hardly surprising. Kian was- as previously mentioned- very popular with girls, and Rand had a type of “bad boy” allure, apparently.

A familiar flash of blond hair caught Rolan’s eye in the swarm of teenagers heading to the gym, and he waved Kian over enthusiastically.

“Hey, man!” Kian dapped Rolan up. “Glad you could make it,” he said, with a funny look on his face.

Rolan laughed nervously, taking advantage of the moment to let go of Amanda’s hand. “Why would I not come?”

“Oh, you know.” He shrugged, expression still strange. “Just- happy you’re here. Anyway, I gotta go. My date’s waiting for me!” He gave Rolan a wave before going back into the crowd. Rolan felt the urge to reach out for him- no, don’t go, save me!- but resisted. Really, he didn’t understand why he was so upset about this whole thing. This should be something to be excited about, not something to be looking for outs from.

He shook his head. “All right,” he said, mostly to himself. “Let’s do this.”

The gym was crowded, and the echo of voices nearly covered up the tinny sound of music coming from speakers at the front. People Rolan knew by face and name, but never really talked to, were all dancing and talking and leaning against the wall and drinking fruit punch

 from red plastic cups. It was all very overwhelming to Rolan, but Amanda seemed to get only more excited when they stepped into the threshold of the room.

“Let’s dance!” She exclaimed, grabbing Rolan’s arm and dragging him into the center of the gym where a crowd had formed. Her hand was warm and dry, the exact opposite of his. His mind uselessly supplied a saying about opposites attracting as Amanda started dancing with the crowd and he stood there awkwardly, nodding his head slightly to the music. He decided he personally disagreed with the saying. It didn’t make sense to him- why would anyone be attracted to someone who wasn’t like them? Who didn’t like the things they liked, or acted the way they acted? But then he conjured up the thought of a loud-voiced, brown-haired, gap-toothed boy blowing on blades of grass, or a pair of mischievous blue eyes and thieving pale fingers and a guilty stammer, and he supposed the saying maybe had a bit of a point. 

Not in a romantic way, though. That still didn’t make sense to him.

He looked around again, hoping to spot Kian again or maybe Rand this time in the crowd. Maybe it’d turn out that they were having awful times as well and the three of them would ditch their dates and hang out together. 

“What’re you doing?” Amanda asked.

“Oh- nothing. Just looking for my friends, s’all.”

“Right, Kian and Rand. You guys sure like hanging out with each other, huh?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“It’s like, I hardly see you guys apart from each other.” 

“Um, yeah, I guess I could see how you’d think that.” Rolan laughed nervously. Was there something almost accusatory in her voice? What did she mean by that?

Amanda shrugged. “Must be nice having such good friends.”

“...Yeah. It is.” Suddenly, the music changed. The lights dimmed, the crowd hushed- if only a bit-, couples separated themselves on the dance floor. Amanda’s eyes seemed to light up. 

“Oh, I love this song!” It was Can’t Stop Falling In Love. Elvis. Because of course, why not. Amanda put her hands on Rolan’s shoulders and started swaying with the music. Rolan swallowed a lump in his throat. He could hear his heartbeat, his breaths, could feel his own skin sticky against his nice clothes. He put his hands, gently, timidly, on Amanda’s waist, because that’s what the guy dancing next to him was doing.

Amanda looked up at him, eyes big, a faint smile on her very pink face. She inched closer to him, close enough that he could feel her body heat. She opened her mouth slightly, to speak, or kiss him, or do something, and Rolan felt a jolt of fear. He dropped his hands and pulled away fast.

“I- bathroom!” He exclaimed, going with the first excuse in his brain. He turned around and ran out of the gym, narrowly avoiding bumping into couples, and kept running until he was leaning against the door in the boy’s bathroom, panting.

He slowly managed to catch his breath. He looked at himself in the mirror, his heart still beating fast. His hair was dripping with sweat, his face was pale and he was shakier than ever, and honestly? He looked like he had seen a ghost. This wasn’t the right reaction for all of this. He was feeling all the wrong things. What was wrong with him?

He took a deep breath. He was going to worry about his feelings later and worry about getting out of here now. He couldn’t go out the front door, since people weren’t allowed to leave until the dance was over. He didn’t want to look for a different exit, because then he might run into Amanda. For all he knew, she was looking for him right now, and then he’d have to explain why he was reacting like this. Why was he reacting like this? Not understanding why he was so scared made him feel even more scared. He took another deep breath.

He looked around in the bathroom. There was a window at the top of the outside wall. It was a rectangle, wider than it was tall. There was a latch on it to open it from the inside. He would have to reach, but…

He climbed on top of the AC unit underneath the window, steadying his feet. He flicked the latch and opened the window before hoisting one leg up, then his hands, then his head, and climbed through the window and fell clumsily onto the ground a few feet below him. He got up and brushed off his pants, sighing gratefully at the warm night air. He walked the short way home with shaky knees and a still-panicking heart. The first school dance he’d ever gone to, the first date he’d ever had, and he’d run away through the bathroom window. Great. He crept into his room from the back door, so as to not alert his parents, and spent the rest of the night lying in his bed in his sweat-coated dress shirt and pants, staring blankly at the ceiling with countless terrifying thoughts in his head.

(The next day, as the three discussed the events of the dance, Rolan learned that Rand went with Penny Lawrence and was miserable the entire time, and how Kian went out with Eileen Stewart and kissed her during the slow dance.)

One year had passed since the dance, and Rolan was 16 years old. It was December and the days had finally reached their coldest- which wasn’t very, but it was enough for students to be wearing coats and gloves to school and for kids too scared to smoke to pretend to do so with a candy cigarette and their breath in the air. Rolan was walking to class, dreaming about the scant possibility of a dusting of snow on the ground, when he heard some familiar names on the lips of his passing classmates.

Rolan stopped in his tracks. A girl and a guy had been talking in hushed voices while walking past him, and he could’ve sword he’d heard them say the names Stone and Rand. While it wasn’t uncommon for Kian to be the subject of rumors- the guy was only a sophomore and already managed to get around with half the girls in the school- Rand was a surprise. And both of them, together? That was pretty weird.

Curiosity got the best of him, and Rolan turned around and went over to the two. He cleared his throat awkwardly to get their attention.

“Hey, I accidentally overheard what you guys were talking about- or, well, I just kinda heard you talking about Kian and Rand. What… what was that about?”

The girl laughed. She had long black hair and a face that looked like it was used to being mean. “What, you haven’t heard? Dylan Fischer saw them sucking face in the bathroom.”

“Oh- what? Really?” Rolan was taken aback.

The girl raised her eyebrows. “I’d’ve thought you’d know about that. I mean, you’re one of them, right?”

“One of what?”

The girl rolled her eyes. “Last year I dared Amanda Baker to find out if you were, you know, gay.” She said the last word like it was dirty. Rolan’s eyes widened as he realized that the girl was one of the ones who had flanked Amanda when she had asked him out. He took a step back.

“I- I’m not-” he stammered. The boy the girl had been talking to made a crude gesture with his hands and then feigned gagging. The both of them laughed.

 “She really liked you, you know.” The girl crossed her arms. “You’re kind of a dick.”

“What, for being gay? I mean, I’m not, but, according to your reasoning, I don’t… that doesn’t…” The two of them walked away, laughing to each other with the occasional glance back at him. Rolan felt his face smolder. Mostly because of how they were making fun of him, but also because he didn’t know how to handle the idea of his two best friends kissing. It was just a rumor, though. He’d ask them about it later, and they’d laugh and say that it wasn’t true. It wasn’t, right? Right?

The day sluggishly moved forward. It felt like ages until lunch period when Rolan saw both of his friends next.

“Hey, so did you guys hear that rumor going around?” Rolan asked, sitting down at a lunch table.

“What rumor?” Rand laughed slightly. “Didn’t think you were one for drama, Deep.”

“I’m not, dumbass. There’s just… there’s this story going around that… you two…” He sucked in a breath, feeling bad that he’d have to break the news to them. Surely, they’d be uncomfortable when they found out people thought they had made out.

“People think that you guys kissed each other.” He cleared his throat, face flushed.

He’d expected them to look shocked, disgusted, or at least upset. But they just looked at each other sheepishly and laughed.

“What, you guys didn’t actually…?” Rolan felt a knot forming in his throat.

Rand just shrugged. “Well…” Kian said, rubbing his neck with a blush on his face. The two of them made eye contact again, and they started giggling.

Rolan stared at them, willing his face to suppress the expression of shock it was trying to make. The two went back to their lunches, avoiding the question. Both of them were turning red (pink in Rand’s case, crimson in Kian’s), though, which spoke to the answer well enough on its own. The beginning-to-be-familiar sensation of nausea and sweaty palms began to take over him, though not as strong as at the dance, as he tried not to stare. Here he was, best friend of Kian and Rand for however many years, and they didn’t even tell him they were an item. If they were, that was. He was still struggling to wrap his head around the whole thing. He remembered that one night back when they were 13, but he had assumed that Rand had grown out of that or something. He knew, logically, that things like that weren’t phases people grew out of, but… he’d never really considered…

Even still, as he tried to comprehend his friends kissing (no, don’t picture it, gah!) he couldn’t help but feel… scared? Scared because he was confused, scared for his friends (what if people bullied them because of this rumor? What if someone tried to hurt them?), and scared because he was 16 years old and the thought of romance still made him want to throw up. He still didn’t know what that meant, actually, but it scared him a whole lot.

He just prayed everything would make sense, soon, so he would stop being so scared.

He was 17 when he went to his first house party. If he had been able to choose, he wouldn’t have gone, but Kian had insisted that he should come with.

“Please, man,” he’d said. “I’ll be all alone without you!”

Rolan rolled his eyes. “Uh-huh. What about Rand?” After that day, there had been no more discussions of their supposed bathroom makeout session. Rolan was somewhat relieved about that.

“Grounded. His mom caught him smoking on the roof. Again.” Kian huffed. “Anyway, I want you to come, not him. You never come to anything I invite you to! Most of the school doesn’t even know you exist. How can I live with myself, getting all these hot babes while my best friend hasn’t even had a girlfriend yet?”

“Is this a ploy to get me a date? If so, not gonna work, buddy.”

“What? No. I would never. Though, if you do ever want me to set you up with someone, I can think of a few girls that would be-”

“Not interested. Very much not interested.”

“Well, will you at least come to the party with me?” Kian gave him a pleading look, the kind that made Rolan fold in on himself.

“Gahh, fine, fine.” He swatted Kian on the shoulder. “But just ‘cause you want me to. And that doesn’t mean that I’m gonna like it. Okay?”

“Hell yeah!” Kian pumped his fist. “Trust me, dude, it’s not gonna be so bad. I mean, sure, the drinks are always awful, and it gets pretty loud sometimes, and the music sucks ass, but. It’s fun.”

“Really selling it, huh,” Rolan said dryly.

Kian snorted. “You know it.”

The next day, Kian drove to Rolan’s house to pick him up. Everything in Galloway was within walking distance, but Kian liked driving places ever since he got his license. Rolan had a hunch his insistence was a subtle jab at Rand, who made fun of him relentlessly when he failed his driver’s test the first time. As he got in the car, Kian eyed his outfit with distaste.

“What? I thought this was a, you know, casual party.” Black t-shirt, blue jeans, brown shoes. It was nothing if not ordinary, just the way Rolan liked it.

“Yeah, but… you could’ve done it up at least a little bit,” Kian said as he started up the car. He was wearing a garish leopard-print scarf, a cream-colored shirt with a low v-neck, leather pants, knee-high boots… honestly, it was impressive he wasn’t made fun of for his fashion sense more. But Kian carried himself with an air of effortless coolness that made everything he wore cool by extension. Even the usual dudebro gay jokes were kept to the minimum around Kian, but that was mainly because he could easily steal every homophobic jock’s girlfriend in a matter of days.

Rolan was busy contemplating this as they drove to the house. He startled with a small jolt as the car stopped and Kian unlocked the doors. “Alright, we’re here.”

Even from outside, Rolan could hear the muffled noise coming from inside the house. He gulped.

hey guys anyone wanna read the bitb fic i starting writing the day after ep 1 of bitb came out. that i never finished. about top ten rolan deep arospec moments. are you interested

[manchesterau]

my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)

okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.

im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point. 

the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).

next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.

Tom:

I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore). 

I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.

anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-' 

tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).

i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll). 

i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).

To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.

Marion:

😑 

i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....

To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....

this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)

listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed

all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.

she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****

Patrick:

PATRICKKKKK

Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).

There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.

I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.

I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal). 

Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.

Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):

Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY

Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end) 

Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.

tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared. 

overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....

there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).

the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.

thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!

can’t*

[hello-yue-here]

About your atla ship songs, I have a couple of questions (sorry if my phrasing comes out wrong, english isn't my first language and I worry it might across as accidentally defensive): how did you end up with the choices for zukka, jetko and yuekka (note: I haven't seen the great comet, so feel free to obsess over it, I'm intrigued now and the hype is appreciated!)? Sidenote: I think the mailee choice is HILARIOUS and the tokka one just make me sad, I didn't expect to be attacked like this😭

kdjfha;s i love you im gonna obsess SO HARD over great comet now. you may regret this

this is gonna be so long so the rest is under the cut whoops

yuekka: no one else from great comet

where do i even begin. WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN

okay so background information on this show: it's based off of a 76 oages excerpt from war and peace and its centered around a woman named natasha (and this guy pierre but he's irrelevant to this song so we wont worry about him) and natasha's bethrothed is off fighting in the war right now. she hasn't seen him in a while but she is in love with him.

every single lyrics of this song SCREAMS yuekka to me. the innocence and purity of their love. the love at first sight. and even the melancholy ending just- i go apeshit for this song. i love this song so much. and denee benton's voice??? kljsdhflwksugf please listen to this song if you haven't already. listen to the whole show. your life will be changed forever.

onto the lyrics (i stg this is ab to be the whole song whoops)

"the moon"

THOSE ARE THE FIRST WORDS ON THE SONG. natasha and andre (her bethrothed) met underneath the moonlight. Sokka and Yue first spoke to eachother at night and always met each other for their most intimate moments under the moonlight. also yue is LITERALLY the moon so like: right of the bat with those two words it's yuekka.

"and i saw your eyes / and i saw your smile / and the world opened wide"

sokka fell in love with yue the moment he saw her in the canal. she literally enchanted this motherfucker. everything about her made his heart go crazy. and 'the world opened wide' to me is from yue's perspective. Yue had never left the north pole and sokka had seen a good chuck of the world at the point. He took her on appa, he told her about his adventures. he saw the world yue wished to see and you know damn well that Sokka would have done anything to give it to her.

"oh the moon /oh the snow in the moonlight / and your childlike eyes and your distant smile / ill never be this happy again / you and i and no one else"

natasha sings fondly about the moon and the snow, seeing as it was where she fell in love with andre. yue and sokka LITERALLY fell in love in the same place: in the snowy nothern water tribe under the light of the moon. childlike eyes: THEYRE CHILDREN!!! distant smile: this is where it gets a little sad. theyre both children with way too many duties during a world that has known nothing but war for the past century. they want to be happy but yeah, theyre smiles are distant and far away because happiness seems out of reach for them most of the time. i'll never be this happy again: the moments yue and sokka shared together were probably the happiest either of them ever were. they were able to ignore the war and the world in the moments they shared together. and with no one else. no one else would be able to give each other this sense of peace and happiness and love.

"joy and life inside our souls / and no body knows just you and me / it's our secret"

Yue and Sokka had to sneak out in secret at night to go and see each other. Yue and Sokka couldn't be together for real because Yue was already engaged, but they were literally in love so she decided to see him anyways in secret. kasdjfhklasjd im losing my mind over them at this point.

"this winer sky / how can anyone sleep / there was never such a night before / i feel like putting my arms around my knees / and squeezing tight as possible / and flying away"

these are my FAVORITE lines in the entire song. yue and sokka had never felt this strongly about anyone before and that's why they are so drawn to each other. they had never experienced love before and they wanted to hold onto it for as long as they could even though they knew they couldnt. Sokka takes yue up on appa and she is wistful and wishes she could live like he does every day: ie flying away. oh my god these two deserved so much better. so much fucking better.

now for the saddes part. the saddest fucking part.

"maybe he'll come today / maybe he came already / and he's sitting in the drawing room / and i simply forgot"

natasha misses andre so intensely at this point. when i first listened to this show and heard this song i was like "wait a min... is andre like... dead?" and im sure i wasnt the only person who assumed that this was why natasha felt so sad by the end of such a beautiful song. (spoiler alert andre is fine)

but this line really exemplifies how sad natasha is, and hints at the fact that andre may never come back. it implies that their relationship is doomed (at least in my opinion) and that's all yuekka. Sokka misses yue intensely when shes gone. Yue accepted her fate almost immediately but sokka was in denial. he thought there had to be another way. but in the end it wasn't meant to be. and sokka will go on, loving yue, wishing for her back, even though it's not possible.

fuck im gonna cry.

zukka: all i've ever known- hadestown

"i was alone so long / i didn't even know that i was lonely / out in the cold so long / i didnt even know that i was cold"

sokka is from the swt so theres where the cold comes in. also in the gaang (initially) it was just him katara and aang. and katara and aang were much closer to each other than sokka was with aang and the two of them were benders so sokka was kind of an outsider with the two of them. He also represses a lot of his emotions and feels the need to do everything himself so i do see a lot of loneliness in sokka. and the fact that so many people in his life have left him (his mom, yue, his dad, suki briefly, etc...) he is known to keep people at an arms length. i see a lot of loneliness in sokka.

zuko's loneliness is a lot more obvious: he has literally been cast out and abandoned by everyone except iroh. and even then he still feels the need to be alone (remember zuko alone? thought so) these boys look after themselves and push others away and revel in their loneliness in order to keep themselves from getting hurt. at least in my opinion on canon and also some fanon because id be a liar if i said fanon didnt influence how i view ALL my ships (not just zukka)

"all ive ever known is how to hold my own / but now I wanna hold you too"

COME ONE MANNNN, they just wanna hold each other. theyre both very big protectors as well and kljhflkasdhg they wanna protect eachother like kljdhfl im gonna lose it rn.

"You take me in your arms / And suddenly there's sunlight all around me / Everything bright and warm / And shining like it never did before / And for a moment I forget / Just how dark and cold it gets"

SUNLIGHT SYMBOLISM. zuko is literally powered by the sun. i don't think i even NEED to elaborate on this one anymore lol. They find comfort in each other away from all of their trauma. when they're together nothing else matters and i personally love that for them. they both deserve love.

"I knew you before we met / And I don't even know you yet / All I know is your someone I have always known"

these two are extremely similar in canon. many parallels. older brothers overshadowed by their prodigy little sisters. longing to make their fathers proud (granted one dad is good and one is fuckin evil), both are pretty bad with emotions. both are seen protecting others before themselves (sokka protecting suki during the serpant's pass, sokka protecting toph on like multiple occassions, zuko protecting katara in the final agni kai), the list goes on. they know who the other is because they see themselves in the other person. they already know each other because they are each other (in a way, not entirely, but the similarities are strong in my opinion)

"I'm gonna hold you forever / The wind will never change on us / Long as we stay with each other / Then it will always be like this"

i just think this line is so cute and sweet (ignoring all the symbolism and foreshadowing that comes with the last line in the musical itself. im gonna pretend this is nothing but happy) and i think these boys deserve happiness so yeah. this song is zukka to me lol.

jetko: thrill of first love- falsettoes

if you've never listened to this song go an do it now. you will know INSTANTLY that it is jetko because of the dynamics alone. marvin and whizzer are pure jetko and i take no crticisms.

marvin and whizzer are both extremely stubborn, and they don't always get along, and they fight a lot, and they get mad at each other a lot, and they are both passionate as hell, and they will bring this passion into everything. they love each other that is without a doubt, but they arent perfect and they are once again stubborn and determined as fuck.

sound familiar? it's literally jetko.

the lyrics aren't what remind me of jetko, but the dynamic itself. the lyrics are too on the nose for a gay couple in 1970's america so that rlly cant apply to jetko all that much. but the way these two characters bounce off of each other and get annoyed with each other and argue with eachother reminds me of jetko. because let's be honest: these two are the most stubborn characters in the whole show. they will fight for what they believe and it will take literally everything to change their minds.

i love jetko but i think they would have petty arguments all the time and get aggravated by one another so easily. and this is even seen in canon: they work so fucking well together but they did not even HESITATE to fight one another after neither of them would give in and let the fight about whether jet was right or wrong about zuko being a firebender. like i cannot say it enough they are stubborn as fuck.

but underneath all that stubborn pettiness and bickering: marvin and whizzer still love each other. and jet and zuko would still love each other. because even though they are stubborn when it comes to arguments, they are even more stubborn and determined when it comes to each other. these two passionate motherfuckers are in love.

(now when i chose this song i decided to ignore the fact that this song literally spells out the fact that marvin and whizzer's relatinoship is doomed because they literally say passion dies. thats the difference between jetko and whizzer and marvin because i dont think passion dies. i chose this song strictly for the bickering lmao)

and i know you didnt ask about tokka but,,,,

i rlly wanna talk about the tokka one

so im going to

tokka: on my own- les mis

look. i KNOW this song is about unrequited love and i love tokka as a couple but,,, the unrequited love in this song just SCREAMS unrequited tokka to me so thats what i went with.

eponine is a girl who has neglectful parents who lives life by her own rules: toph. eponine is shown to be tough and confident and spunky to others but behind all of that she has emotions, she feels love, she hides her vulnerability so much: toph. she is in love with a guy she cant be with because he loves someone else: TOPH

eponine is toph to a t and toph is eponine to a t. this is not up for debate lmao

"without him i feel his arms around me"

toph is always seen grabbing onto someone (and its almost ALWAYS sokka) when she's somewhere where she can't use her feet to see. FEEL and ARMS cmon. look at it.

"and i know / i know that he is blind"

COME ON. IMAGINE TOPH SINGING THIS LINE. this line is already powerful enough in les mis but having toph, a blind character, sing it just makes the symbolism even deeper. toph sees the potential relationship they could have together. toph sees that sokka is oblivious to this. toph is not blind to the truth or the potention, but sokka is blind to her feelings. im about to lose my mind over this line.

"I love him / But every day I'm learning / All my life / I've only been pretending / Without me / His world will go on turning / A world that's full of happiness / That I have never known"

i need to sit down for a moment. toph grew up in a household where her parents did not understand her. she has learned to hide her true emotions and vulnerabilities from everyone. and its the fact that toph knows that she and sokka will never be together and the fact that she still loves him in spite of that is what makes this even more heartbreaking.

"but only on my own"

TOPH AND EPONINE SWEETIES I LOVE YOU

thank you for indulging my theatre kid nonsense. you are very sweet and kind and lovely and awesome and i hope you have a lovely day bestie :) <3

ask me why i think these songs go with these ships

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[delllamortes]

1-30 ANSWER'EM ALL I WANNA KNOW ALL THE GAY ABOUT YOU

oh dear lord ok

1. describe your idea of a perfect date: hmm…nothing fancy, maybe just like grabbing some fast food to eat and driving around listening to music, maybe taking a walk through the park at some point? or even just going for coffee somewhere tbh, i’m easy to please 😂

2. whats your “type”: ooooh that’s a tough one?? idk if i have a type per se, but i do find myself attracted to ppl with shorter hair generally? not always, but often lmao

3. do you want kids?: i don’t think so tbh. i’m not good with kids and honestly i just wanna live my life for me and not worry about taking care of a kid for 18+ years u know?

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?: if i did want kids i’d most likely adopt

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on: i’ve been on one (1) date and it was with a gross boy who smelled like musty basement back when i was like 16 or 17 and it was just a bad time all around tbh

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?): seeing as my dating life is nonexistent, i’ve yet to reach that point yet

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?: night time for sure i’m not a morning person at all

8. opinion on nap dates?: I LOVE NAPS AND I LOVE CUDDLING SO NAP DATES SOUND WONDERFUL

9. opinion on brown eyes?: i have brown eyes myself and it took me a while to love my own eyes but i’ve always loved brown eyes on other people ❤

10. dog gay or cat gay?: cat gay for sure, but i do love dogs too (i have 3 of my own)

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?: YES I LOVE RODENTS AND REPTILES

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone: hmm…if they’re trying too hard and they think they’re god’s gift to earth, then honestly i lose interest so fast

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?: well back when i was younger, i was convinced that there always still had to be a man and a woman in the relationship role-wise bc hetero couples were the only thing i could really base non-hetero couples off since it was all i’d ever known :’) also i was under the gross assumption that if you’re bi, you eventually have to “pick a side”, thank god i grew outta that

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self: god i’d tell her to think a little more deeply about who she is instead of wasting years being in denial lmao

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?: i would definitely say yes?

16. who is an ex you regret?: not necessarily an ex but i definitely regret going on a date with that guy

17. night club gay or cafe gay?: both? both.

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for: no one tbh

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?: VIDEO GAME GAY

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not): viktuuri 😭 i love my boys

21. favourite gay youtuber: honestly i don’t really follow any youtubers closely so idk

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?: nope i’m too much of a wimp to ask anyone out

23. have you ever been in love?: i think so

24. have you ever been heartbroken?: nah

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone: i don’t ever really get the urge to be someone else tbh, so making the distinction is easy for me

26. favourite lgb musician/band: i listen to an embarrassing amount of hayley kiyoko but halsey is my fav for sure

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays: even if you feel like you’re alone in this, i promise you’re not. and you may not have other lgbtq+ friends quite yet, but i promise you’ll find some and you’ll feel like you’ve found your home in them, just be patient ❤

28. are you out? if so how did you come out: i am! i first came out to two of my best friends through text messages bc im a ween, then i came out to the rest of my friends when we were out one night and i had some of that Liquid Courage™ in me, then i came out to my mom (not a fun experience), and then i came out to everyone on facebook eventually!! (absolutely no one was surprised)

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have: well the most uncomfortable one was when i came out to my mom i guess, bc she didn’t really take it well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to this day she does her best to ignore that it ever happened tbh

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality: your appearance is one thing you have at least some degree of control over, so there’s always the option to express yourself through your style and such? idk tbh i’ve never really had to think about it bc my situation is far from dangerous….just keep yourself safe above all, because eventually you’ll be away from the unsafe place and you’ll be able to express yourself exactly the way you want to

[streetcornertwoam]

currently watching some different videos of hannah hart and right now watching a livestream thing she did for her book buffering, where she was signing copies and answering questions...fun stuff

ANYWAY...

so...it’s nearing the end of the video, and she read this question from a girl named becca (i’m assuming spelling lmao) from aurora, IL (which if you happen to know anything about me...I live in IL...and that’s only a few hrs away from me) so initially that was like really like ‘oh fun!’

but then...she read then question...

i’m gonna paraphrase it ‘cause i’ve had to pause the video and like...stop for a minute ‘cause shit got real fucking Quick lmao

basically just ‘what advice would you give to someone who has just come to terms with the fact that they’re bisexual and unsure if they’ll ever be able to come out’

like...Holy Fuck

it’s...too real right now lmao

admittedly I probably would have reacted this way regardless of where they live...but the fact that it’s somewhere so fucking near me is just like O.O

...and I mean like...I guess I’d say I’m ‘out’ like on here...but that’s different, ‘cause...no one really knows me on here (or talks to me lbr haha) so y’know...it is different

and like...I still kinda...pause when I’m talking aloud to myself and saying it

I mean...it’s not even been a year since I started thinking ‘i...might be bisexual’

I wish I could remember when the thought like first permeated my head, but I know it was sometime last yr...and probably in like...April-May

...and like the second it came up, I was like ‘DEAL WITH THIS ANOTHER DAY’

and just ignored it basically...and then like every few weeks, it’d kinda pop back up again...and then finally sometime during the summer...I was like...ok...let’s...look at my life and the facts and...think about this

and it still took me a few weeks, thinking about it off and on...but then after actually asking the advice of someone on here (anonymously of course lmao)...that...definitely helped

i still thought about it, but after that...i did feel more confident in saying it and knowing it to be true about myself

like...i’m 26 right now, and in a few weeks i’ll be 27...

it’s hard to change a perception you’ve held of yourself for so goddamn long, but...fuck i was so in denial about things

just a few weeks ago i was thinking about something and i was like ‘christ you should have realized when you were still in fucking high school dude’

but y’know...there were always guys...and y’know...ahaha...i definitely was never popular, i wasn’t and still wouldn’t consider myself an attractive person

so i mean...even the few guys that i went to HS with that i would maybe find attractive were all assholes anyway, so that totally ruined it

and i dated guys...i kissed...a lot of guys lol...like...just a lot

y’know and my last day of HS i started dating this guy i’d known like...since i was fucking 5 dude

and he was the first (and unfortunately so far only) person i’ve had sex with

and we dated for like... 3 1/2 yrs and then...long story short, he became a fucking ass and we broke up

(that’s not really what happened...i was terrible too...i was...yea i was a bad girlfriend...in the...manipulative way i guess i’d say now...i hate saying that...i hate knowing that i was like that...but...he wasn’t great either...we should have broken up long before we did...and i think that was a huge issue for us...but he still did some Fucked Up shit...and it’s been...4 yrs now??? and like...I still can’t think about him or anything without just...yea...i’m still not over it...i’m over him, but the situation? it’s all just so fucked...so like...probably not everything he did was entirely his fault...but...y’know...there were just...he lied about things...a lot...they were little things....but....they were lies nonetheless...and then when i’d days...weeks later find out the truth i’d obviously be Pissed...and then it’d be a big fight, and y’know i’m ‘overreacting’ and ‘this is why i didn’t tell you’ and blah blah blah’ LIKE NO OK...SO...for like...i don’t know...a week or two before I turned 21 I didn’t hear from him AT ALL...like...I had no fucking idea where he was...what he was doing...if we were still together...fucking Nothing...expected to hear from him on my birthday...Nothing...i was obviously initially pissed but I got hella fucking wasted and then it was whatever... and then like...i don’t know...another week or something went by...(i might be remembering this wrong...maybe it was like...a bit before my bday i didn’t...whatever anyway) basically i didn’t hear from him at all for like...2 weeks or some crazy shit and then one night I’m sitting in my room watching Torchwood (yea you bet I fucking remember this...it was the ep where Tosh and Jack go back in time and they meet the real Jack Harkness just fuck my shit up) anyway so I’m watching that and I hear the doorbell ring...and I just instantly Know. I don’t get up, I just keep watching the show...and then I hear a knock at my door...I don’t answer. Knocks keep coming....still don’t answer...(my door is locked but i don’t have a lock on my door...the way the knob is if you like...push it in and turn it it locks) so there’s a tiny little hole on the other side that you can push a very small screwdriver (or the stick of a dum-dum sucker lmao) into and you can unlock the door...so after a few minutes my door opens this way...and it’s Fucking Him...I just...like straight up ignored him and kept watching my show ‘cause like...you don’t talk to me for WEEKS...and then just show the fuck up?? fuck you (at this point we’d been dating for not even 3 yrs) anyway...eventually i have to pause the show and y’know what he fucking tells me? what he’s been doing? before we even started dating he had planned on going into the marines...like he signed some shit saying he was interesting or whatthefuckever i don’t remember what it was anymore...so keep in mind that was like..3 yrs ago almost....says...’so you remember when i was gonna go in the marines’ etc etc etc..basically...they like...got in contact with him (after all this fucking time????) and said that he was now recruited or whatever (i honestly don’t remember what he said...christ it’s been 4-5 yrs now) so he had been in Missouri doing training something or other...and like...i’m immediately fucking Suspicious...and he’s wearing a fucking marines t-shirt and has a lanyard like that’s Proof...and just...eventually it got ‘worked out’ and then it was just like...this thing that was gonna be happening...he was gonna in the next few months be leaving to go do that...and like...there’s even more to the story than just this...but...it’s such a fucking lie right??? but i was so goddamn desperate to keep him...like...that was my problem...i’d had boyfriends before, and like..only one that i would even say was vaguely as serious (and not even really ‘cause y’know...i was like 12 but...the feelings...and it was only for a few months but at the time...that was the most real) anyway...so y’know...first real serious honest to god we’re gonna get married boyfriend...first person i’d ever had sex with...huge thing....huge moment in my life...and...i didn’t want to lose this person...i put up with the most ridiculous shit ‘cause i didn’t want to be fucking alone...i ruined one of the best friendships i ever had ‘cause i never spent time with her...and just...would spend it with him...or wouldn’t hang out just in case i could ever see him (his parents were fucking...omg the actual worst) just..just...so much Bullshit

sorry that’s just all one big long fucking pile of shit right there lmao...if anyone actually reads that then...good on ya, but also im super sorry

so...then at the beginning of 2012...i’m single...and i was a fucking mess...like...he left (btw...not to join the marines...he just...like fucking left the state so y’know...super legit dude) and...i’m still not sure if it’s just...a coincidence or whatever, but like...immediately after that I got So Fucking Sick

like...i had the worst ear ache...like i was crying it hurt so bad, so finally had to go to the doctor...yea the ear infection i thought i had? turns out it was like a fucking terrible case of strep...like Awful...but my throat didn’t even hurt...it was just my ear...so that happened...

and for like...months i didn’t leave the house really...i mostly stayed in my room, i like...barely talked to my parents...it was...hard

and then summer came, and i went to the swim and golf club that my parents own (and which is now closed and i wish they could sell it) and i started hanging out there again...and i made new friends...and it was honestly? like the best summer...it was...so fucking great

there was this lifeguard...and he was just so cute, and I had the Biggest crush on him...but he was like 5-6 yrs younger than me lmao

like...I was so fucking pathetic...you could see the goddamn hearts in my eyes

and one of the reasons that i’m bringing this up is ‘cause...that first summer then...there was this girl that was also a lifeguard that I had ‘known’ sorta ‘cause she had grown up coming to the pool and had been friends with my sister and knew my mom and they were all really close and whatever...but i never really hung out up there so i didn’t know her...anyway...she had like...just come out to everyone as gay...it was a huge... (she was also like...a few yrs younger than me) and anyway...we eventually became like...Really Good friends

like...we talked a lot, and y’know...just hung out and shit...and...hahaha...i remember this one time...she said to me she’d like to just once take me out on a date...like...just a really nice proper date, and blah blah blah...and asked what my mom would think and i kinda laughed and said she probably wouldn’t care and asked if i would and i said ‘yea i definitely would we should!’ and it was just like...we were Cracking Up (we did that a lot....we both had super loud obnoxious laughs) and like...I was seriously really excited about this idea??? like i remember telling TJ (that was the cute lifeguard) Elaina (that’s the gay lifeguard lmao) is gonna take me on a date! like...I had  HUGE smile...and he kinda got wide eyed and was like ‘uhh...what?’ and I was like ‘no no no...just...’ and tried to explain it in such a way that was like...basically i was pulling the ‘no homo’ bullshit...

and i mean even looking back now, I didn’t have a thing for her...I really enjoyed her company, and I thought she was funny and fun to be around, but like...it was never like secret gay crush shit. but the fact that i was So Excited and interested about a girl taking me on a date??? like...fucking Hello Self

and then I got engaged to a few of the lifeguards lmao

...one of which happened to be another girl who I was like...kinda intimated by ‘cause she was just...like real quiet and I didn’t think she’d like me...and then we just started talking one day and got on really well

like...she made me a duct tape ring and everything...i think i still have it somewhere...and again...i don’t think i ever was like ‘fuck i think i really like her’ (but that could be ‘cause like everyone knew that TJ had had a Thing for her for a long time...so it was like...Awkward for me lmao) but she was really nice and very pretty

y’know...i’ve done this a lot throughout my life...which (i think?) it’s a fairly normal thing...but...y’know been ‘engaged’ or ‘married’ to different friends of mine that were girls y’know...and i just...never thought into that much or anything...and i don’t know if that’s ‘cause there really was never any sort of attraction or just because i was just so in denial about things that i just...didn’t let myself think about it...i really don’t know

the first time that i can remember thinking about another girl that i ‘knew’ i was like...18-19...and it was when i was really involved on twitter lol...and i made lots of new friends all over the world and it was honestly one of the best times of my life

...and i remember...lmao...’cause our initial bonding thing was over craig ferguson, and that’s how i was introduced into fanfiction and all that stuff...and i eventually wrote some (absolutely Dreadful) fics...and anyway...one of them...AHAHAHAHHA christ this is embarrassing...

one of them...I uh...wrote about me and this friend of mine...and uh...well...anyone remember the movie Hot Tub Time Machine? yea basically...that’s where i got my idea...we got into a hot tub...went back in time...to...sometime in craig’s past (i fucking wish this wasn’t true...but it so embarrassingly is) and uh...we had sex...the three of us...

....yeaaaaaaa

and like...it was...mainly just...basically we didn’t do much sexual things to/with each other...but we...did kiss at least i remember...and...something else, i can’t remember what lmao...and like...i remember being So Embarrassed writing this thing (she knew all about this btw...i mean I fucking posted it for everyone to see on the website they created for him...i think it’s all still up and if I wanted to i could go and find it but I’m definitely Not doing that) and like...I don’t honestly even know how or WHY i was like ‘I should write about you and I going back in time and having a threesome with Craig Ferguson’ like...i could have made it just me...or just...anyone else...but the fact that it was fucking self insert....with another girl...who was a good friend of mine at the time...

OH YOU KNOW WHAT...I...might have decided to do it ‘cause...ahahhah...she ended up in a dream of mine...her and Craig...and...did we kiss? fuck I don’t remember, but I remember her and Craig in the dream...and kisses were exchanged but I don’t remember with who or whatever...it’s been so many years...anyway

and y’know...she was (still is) a very pretty lady...she was a couple yrs older than me...and we talked a lot about real things...and she gave me advice on things...and, lol...she actually taught me some German words and stuff (she was German herself) and uh...she would like...help me learn how to say things correctly...we never got real far or anything, but it was fun...and I think I was probably...a little bit attracted to her...yea

but...y’know I was again...18-19...I had a boyfriend...it was...there was a lot of New Things

...actually by the time this all happened I was probably at least 20...but still

and then I eventually after a few yrs...was able to be like ‘oh this celebrity lady is really pretty’

‘cause oh yea...i also was that person that was like ‘i can’t say if another girl is pretty/cute/hot/whatever ‘cause that’s gay’ so...sorry about that lmao

and i eventually got over that...and then i was more comfortable with saying so and so is really pretty

and then...Billie Piper happened...oh that beautiful lady

and then it was ‘oh i have a girl crush on billie haha’

and then karen gillan with those ‘legs that go on for miles’ that’s an actual thing I used to say about her All The Fucking Time

i shit you fucking not

but nope...still just a total hetero girl crush....

and there have been various and many others...

(i’m skipping A LOT of other little things that are like ‘dude...you’re at least a bit attracted to girls...you’ve watched videos on youtube of girls hardcore making out and gotten off to it...you were like 15 then dude...accept it’)

so...there’s that

...and loads of other things

wow this...really went off the rails lmao

if anyone fucking reads this whole thing you deserve a goddamn medal ‘cause holy shit is a fuckton of embarrassing shit

but...i honestly feel better getting it off my chest

...i still don’t know if/when i’ll be able to totally come out to my family/people i know in RL as bi but i hope that the day does eventually come...

i had thought the other day about how...i really maybe should wait til my grandma passes ‘cause...well, there’s lot of stuff there (she’s great and i love her so much but she’s very much a church lady and gays go to hell and she’s still sure that my uncle who was gay is there and it’s upsetting to her and etc)

but like...i hate to have to hide this from her, but...i don’t know it’s hard and confusing

which is another reason why I’d like to as I said the other day get a tattoo of a violet on like the inside of my forearm...just..a little something for me that i can look at and know...and then...eventually work on telling people

(funny how i was thinking last yr during coming out month and all that stuff like ‘oh maybe i can do this next yr’ HA! good joke self...that...probably won’t happen)

so yea...anyway it’s probably time that i finally wrap this shit up

seriously if any of you read this...well fucking done, i’m sorry i’m such a mess and type like shit