#okay that's all bye again ig idk what else to post

[kestrel-wish]

Fellas, I just finally did something I've been trying to do for years, at last. My greatest achievement...

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ yeah, okay. maybe you're sad.

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm, mommy issues (dw there's A LOT of fluff and cuddles and hugging and it all ends up alright) this is just talked about but it can still be triggering!!!!! pls take care of yourselves!!!!!!!! my dms are open :)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ wasn't planning on posting this but i love validation. also, this is not like cannon ellie i guess?? i did a really bad characterization bc i used this as a vent and i just wanted comfort lmao. hope this still makes y'all feel seen or fucking something. btw this first part is really boring hehe, i wrote this when i was in a rush and in a train and i was tired and sad so i don't mind if it flops lol

i hate this so much idk why i'm posting this as my first pots. aghh. here u go ig. don't hate on me. bye.

(not proofread, sorry abt that)

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

you look so out of it

pull it together

we can love you

forever and ever

I've recently moved in with Ellie after weeks of looking for someone to move in.

I had checked other apartments, but this was the one that didn't smell like there was a corpse under my feet, hidden from the light beneath the floor and it didn't look like it was haunted by ghosts. The walls weren't chipping away, also, so that was a plus. There's no denying that getting used to living with someone else was difficult, but it was the only alternative to live away from my parents. Not to mention I had developed feelings for Ellie—she's beautiful, with those eyes and auburn hair, and her tattoos just make her look fucking badass.

After a few weeks, I settled in with her: we both have a routine, and established unspoken rules, and now it's comfortable living with her.

Tonight was a lovely night—I had already finished everything I had to do, and I didn't have an exam until next week, probably—until I got a call from my mother. I know I can't run away from this one. She always threatens to unroll me from college and take me home when I don't answer her calls. And I know she's capable of doing so.

“Hello?” I said as I went out to the kitchen, to take a glass of water.

“You know, most people say something sweet when they answer their mother.”

I roll my eyes, even if she can't see me. It was just a fucking hello.

“What happened, Mom?” I ask, not wanting to fight.

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

“Resources about what?”

“Therapy. Conversion therapy.”

It takes all of myself not to gasp, or cry. I don't know. I hear Ellie going out of her room, and walking towards the kitchen. I don't care if she's here; I haven't been caring about anything these past few days.

“Okay,” Is all you say. I don't know how to answer, or what to do. I leave the glass on the aisle with trembling hands.

“That's all you have to say?”

“I—I don't know what you want me to say.”

“‘Thank you’, maybe?” I stay quiet, I don't want to thank her, I don't want her to speak to me ever again. “You could also get therapy for, you know…”

“For what, mother?”

“The cutting. Your scars—I always thought they looked repulsive. No one is going to lov—”

I hung up before she could say anything else. I hate her. I hate my mother. I can't even believe she's a mother, let alone mine. I suddenly feel the need to hurt, and I hate to admit it, but my mother has always been right about the way they look—so I just shut my eyes and try to breathe. It always helps—deep breathing, that is. I have to remind myself that I'm clean. I've been clean for months. Maybe even a year, I lost count.

“You okay?”

Ellie's voice almost makes me flinch, already having forgotten about her. I open my eyes as she walks over to me and lays her elbows on the aisle, while I rest my back on the counter behind her.

I look at her, with a knot in my throat, “I'm fine.”

“Your mother…” She makes a pause, short enough to not make me go crazy, “Is she, like, a pain in the ass?”

I chuckle at that as I cross my arms, “Yeah.”

“If it gets too bad, you can talk to me. I don't mind. And my dad has some contacts, we can maybe scare your mother away.”

“It's okay,” I tell her with a smile. “I can manage.”

“I know,” She smiles, and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest.

Before I say anything I regret, I go to your room with my door open—a technique I've acquired to avoid hurting myself.

I sit at my desk and look up conversion therapy first, I want to know what this is all about—I know that it's harmful to people in the community, that it leaves you screwed and fucked up. I don't like what pops up on my screen, so I close the tab and go to another one—where I search for therapy. The real one.

I went to a lot of therapy sessions, but my mother was always behind them, so I don't know if it ever was effective. I like this one a lot better. It should be helpful. It will help, I know that for a fact.

I'm having dinner with Ellie, which we normally do—today we ordered, since we were hungry and it always takes a little while to prep a meal—when I think to ask her about the topic.

“Do you know any therapy center?” I ask her. “Or the number of a therapist? Whatever.”

If she's curious, she doesn't show it. She stops chewing on her food, then looks at me; then continues to chew, and after she swallows she speaks, “Sure, I have some friends that go to the same therapist, so it's completely trustworthy, I guess. I can ask for the number.”

I wipe my mouth with the napkin on my side, “Yeah, that'd be alright.”

Ellie takes a sip from her cup and then looks at me, “You okay, though…?”

“I'm fine, just—you know, making sure everything's okay.”

She nods, “Got it—I was just asking.”

After my first therapy session, I ended up tired. My therapist—which feels weird to say out loud and even in my head—is a nice lady in her thirties who looks like a hippie.

I've realized I tend to lie a lot—I didn't talk about self-harm or my mother. Or anything else, really. Just about the movie Speak, and then almost cried when talking about the weather.

So, “Yeah, it went well,” is my answer when Ellie asks how it went, sitting in her car. She picked me up since I had taken my car to maintenance.

“Okay, then,” she says once the car engine starts. She connects her phone to Bluetooth, and we listen to music for a while. Ellie places her hand on my knee when I start bouncing my leg, which sends shivers down my spine and gives my brain something to think of that isn't any of my shit. “Do you want to go eat something?”

“Sure,” I accept. Her thumb makes little circles on my knee. I wonder if she knows what she's doing, her eyes are still fixated on the road. My heart does the flutter thing that it did a few days back again, and my core heats up.

She doesn't want you, I try to convince myself. She's your friend, she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think she'll leave.

When we arrived at the restaurant, we ordered a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we wouldn't finish if we ate it separately.

When we arrive at the restaurant, we order a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we won't finish if we ate it separately.

“So, how's work?” I ask when we're waiting for our food.

“It's going well, I guess.”

“You guess?”

"I just hate my boss."

I furrow my eyebrows, “do you want to talk about it?”

“It's fine, he just sucks. But well, Jesse is postulating to—you know, be a boss; that fucker.”

I chuckle, “Well, I like Jesse.” I soon realize what I said, and my cheeks go red. “Not in a, uh, romantic way or anything. You know. Fuck. He's just nice.”

“Just nice?”

“I like you better than him,” I blurt out, which only adds to my embarrassment.

Oh, oh.

I like Ellie.

Fuck, yeah. You do.

Who am I kidding, I knew I did. From the start—from the first time she looked at me, for the first time touched my hand and spoke to me; for the first time she played guitar for me and made dinner because she knew how tired I was.

Ellie is flushed. I can tell.

“Oh, do you?” She asks with a grin.

The waitress comes with our food, and leaves the plate. I look at her, she looks at me at Ellie and then leaves.

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and lay my elbow on the table, with my chin propped up in my hand.

“What if I do?”

She bites her lip, looks at mine and then at the food, “The food's getting cold.”

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Did that actually happen, or was it my imagination? Holy shit. Shit! Fucking fuck.

It leaves me thinking, but my thoughts leave when I hear her laughter after I crack a joke.

We take the stairs up the apartment, and we laugh all the way up. We just laugh and laugh and laugh because she said something and now I'm almost falling to the floor from how much my stomach hurts.

“Stop,” I say when we get to our apartment door. I keep laughing because Ellie's laughing too and she can't open the door. “My stomach hurts.”

She looks at me and laughs. Idiot. I laugh, too.

“Hey!” We hear our neighbor say. “Quiet down!”

“We're sorry!” I exclaim back, as he closes his door.

Ellie giggles, “You're so fucking dumb, I'm not sorry at all.”

“Shut up,” I say.

“Oh, make me.”

And then—oh, god—and then, and then she looks at me as the curvature of my lips goes down, and then I kiss her.

I kissed her. I fucking did. Me, not her—not Ellie's brave and confident ass, but mine. The butterfly in my chest flutters harder when she kisses back. She puts both of her hands on my waist and deepens the kiss, while my hand moves from her cheeks to her neck, then finds its way to her torso.

Ellie manages to open the door without breaking the kiss, and then she shuts the door with her foot.

“We should—” I speak between kisses. “Ellie—couch.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay.”

Our tongues fight, but our souls mend and I find my way to her in every sense. 

[mellifxuous]

I NEVER MADE THAT FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL POST AND HERE IT IS THE END OF THE SECOND WEEK AND I STILL HAVNT DONE IT AND IM IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING AVATAR AND YALL THESE VISUAL EFFECTS ARE KILLER BUT ANYWAY IG THIS IS THE END OF MY SECOND WEEK POST. So i decided to stay in act prep bc we’re doin college stuff in second semester and i wanna stay for that stuff bc its gonna be about like scholarships and applications and all tht good stuff and im glad i stayed bc were doin this college and career project and it made me realize that i really wanna be a visual effects artist instead of an animator like i wanted to be since like 7th grade. theyr like basically the same job but visual effects artists get to work w greenscreens and props and go travel and take pics for inspiration and then go animate them later but animators have like a solid desk job and theyre always sitting down and im not into that. And plus if i become a visual effects artist then i get to animate the stuff like transformers and avatar and make pretty backgrounds like lord of the rings and make flyin dragons and be a part of big movies so im here for tht. and the college i chose to research is like an art college in seattle bc they have a study abroad program and i love rain so like seattle is the best place plus my cousins live on an island in washington so theyll be close too and the school is so pretty. also this has nothing to do with it but i saw on like the school statistics that theres a 18% somethin asian population out of the like 3000 kids that go there and idk why but recently ive been liking asians and not even the korean or lightskin asians but like filipinos and tan asians bUT ANYWAY yeah so i’ll probably apply to that college even if i end up not goin there. So dance teams first football game was Thursday and it was rlly fun except the heart attack i was having bc i thot i was gonna be late and i didnt want to be the person that makes the whole team run bc i was the late one but i got there and i wasnt the last person to show up so i was so relieved. OHMYGSIS WHEN WE SWITCHED SIDES FOR HALFTIME I LOOKED UP INTO THE BLEACHERS AND I SEE JUSTIN CALEJA OR HOWEVER U SPELL IT BUT HE WAS THERE AND I SAID WOW. Also somthn really cool was we got at the highschool at like 6 before the sun went down and that highschool didnt have mountains or anythn near it like palo does so the team like watched the sunset together and it was sooo pretty like there was this one huge puffy cloud and it was like purple and orange and yellow and it was like the best thing and everyones legs were hurting bc the game lasted like 3 hours and we had to stand up in our squad lines the whole time n be prepared to dance whenever they made a touchdown or anythin but its okay bc i love the ppl kim put me next to and when we werent dancing and just had to stand there in position we all talked and made jokes and it was such a good time n JENIN WAS TALKING ABOUT THE PLAYERS NUMBERS AND AND SHE STARTS TO RALLY AND GOES “Lets go number 9!!!” AND DEADASS NUMBER 9 WAS ON THE BENCH HE WASNT EVEN PLAYING AND IT WAS SO FUNNY AND EVERYONE WAS DYINGI I HAVNT LAUGHED THAT HARD IN A LONG TIMe. our next game is on wednesday and its at palo this time which means we have to remember 10 dances instead of 5 and i hope i can remember the order they go in bc kim said shes gonna switch ppl out of the front line if they dont know the dances well and i dont wanna be switched out no thanks but its HARD when ur in the front line bc you dont have anyone to look at if u forget the dance but the back line can just watch us dance and then catch on if they forget odjshdhs that just means i needa practice the dances a ton and i dont have tiem for dat😩 thers not much else that went on in the two weeks im tryna think of stuff. Justin stamaria sang to me in korean today and it was just like rlly funny bc he switched seats with the dude who sat next to me so he could charge his laptop and we talked a lot and he has a nice voice but he does weed brownies so no thanks. oh and the new kid charlie from virgina is half japanese i found out but anyway he talked to me in the gym bc he wanted to know if ms jonsey was in the locker room and i said idk i didnt see her but then kim came out and saved the day and i said k bye. hes like cute and tall but we dont have english togethr anymore bc he switched out so like ill prob never talk to him ever again. Ohs key club tho theres so many asians idk why all the asians just decide to join key club but the first meeting was thursday and it was in a portable and there were SO MANY PEOPLE literally people were sitting on the floor and standing up and sharing laps like the portable was so packed i didnt know that many ppl could fit in there. BUT thers a lotta cute dudes so HEYEYEYE. Oh charlies in key club too i forgot u kno mayb i will talk to him agen someday. charlie, Justin stam, and julian lee are the cute ppl that i recognize but thers cute ppl that i dont know and i think key club is gonna be lit this year. Yall my schedule is so packed this year like on tuesdays i got dance practice till 4 and then tevakanui at 7 and some wednesdays i have football games from like 6-10 and then thursday is key club and more football games and fridays and Saturdays are gonna be competitions when comp season comes around and thats not even counting all the volleyball and basketball games were gonna do bc we havnt gotten those schedules yet but on top of that i need to fit in all this crap homework and my dad still wants me to bake 4 batches a week and i need to make time for key club events so i get my 50 service hours and i need to find time to finish my art portfolio so i can send it in on time bc i only have 1 PIECE BUT I NEED 24 AND wHEN WILL I GET TIME TO HANG W FRIENDS OR SIT DOWN AND WATCH A MOVIE OR SMTHN. dang i went from like doing nothing last year to busy busy busy busy busy this year but u know what im gonna do it i gotta take action and get everythin done on time my gpa depends on it im tryna graduate w honors yall dreamworks is waiting for me. ITS LIKE 2:30 Ive been writing this for an hour and its so long but thas fine this is like writing in a journal but typing. anywho i guess ill try to sleep now bc my eyes hurt but i kinda also wanna read and also wanna finish my movie but also needa like text ppl but ill prob do tht tkmorrow bc its so late and theyll be liek wth.