#okay so i wasn't sure how to better center the image preview

[prosebushpatch]

Since Christmas is around the corner, I wanted to talk a little bit about one of the most well-known Christmas Redemption Arcs and my favorite thing about A Christmas Carol. Enjoy!

[ayoitslilith]

What was my 2022 like?

This year, it felt like I couldn't stop thinking about my own problems. It feels incredibly self-absorbed to feel like that but I prefer it over ignoring my own mental and physical health while i wither away in every aspect of myself like I used to. How do I fit into the world? Will I make it? Do people like me? Things I used to never worry about, feel the slightest concern for - yet here I am now, having made the tiniest little bit of progress in my life - and immediately centering so much more around myself.

In a way, I feel like I am stuck between different realities, different perceptions of myself - both perceptions inflicted upon me by myself and myself alone and the shared views of others who define who I am in life. People see me as a clown, a strategist, a confidant, a leader, a

and it refuses to change. to grow. to adapt. it always hurts and sometimes i feel like i'm afraid to show my hand to reveal what's going on to reestablish who i am and achieve that dreamt-up idea of who i could be but

But I am never who I want to be - to myself or the people around me.

The parts of my brain refuse to work together. Because of the reasons that I could only fully explain to not just the people around me but myself by seeking a diagnosis for mental illness I may or may not have,

i hurt

And it hurts so much sometimes. I feel like this has cost me multiple friendships over the years, a particularly close one this year. If I had to guess, you're reading this now. I saw the preview on that Discord message. I read that first sentence. You reached out. I waited to respond. I regretted that. I don't know if things would have been better or worse had we started talking again but

I won't do what I need to and refuses to take responsibility and so do i and i wish i pushed harder to do something but i didn't because i was enjoying myself though I keep censoring myself so

I regret not just checking the message and responding immediately, or being more attentive in the friendship and somehow creating an image of myself where you could even believe for a moment that I had moved on. I still cry about you sometimes. I wish I said more and I wish I said less. I hope you're doing okay.

I spent most of today in my room. I think I spent most of my year in one of my rooms. I have a few friends, but I feel like we don't meet as much as I'd like. I felt really alone this New Year's Eve. No one I know really lives near me. All of the people I know online have been absent from our voice channels. I don't blame anyone for not joining - most are spending some quality time with their families, I'm bunkered away in my room because I'm not feeling well and the usual remedy for that is my friends.

I had a romantic relationship that almost lasted the whole year. I'm in another romantic relationship that started later the same month the last one ended. I feel as though we're kindling a flame from a spark I had once closed my eyes to, as I've known the individual for some time before we became romantic together. We don't call each other partners, but instead, romantically involved friends. I wasn't sure how I felt about that at the beginning, but it's really grown on me.

i fell for them in a way that i thought i would never let myself again and i love them and they are giving me everything i was missing in the last relationship and while i realize that it probably won't last as many young romances don't i still love them dearly and am hoping dearly and crying because i love them and she's awesome and cool

I made a lot of friends this year. Very few that I speak to on a consistent basis, one that I met through a very unexpected avenue, but friends nonetheless. I'm glad to met all of these people but I worry that I deceive them in some ways. They and my old friends reassure that they are glad to have me and it eases my worries for a moment, but it all still bubbles up - the worry and dread, crying because I'm worried I'll push them away like I've pushed away so many others, or worse - that I'll hurt them and they'll still be here for me.

I don't think I can get to everything, but I want to stop here for now. Other words will have their place and time. Happy New Years to all you I have met and all you I have not yet met and all you I may never meet - I love all of you so much.