#okay anyway time to go to the homework ive put off all day bc i decided to sleep andnot stab myself in the throat

[missmorosis]

being stupid at 3am

-> feat. oikawa, kuroo, bokuto and bonus. tsukishima

word count: 800

genre: fluff, crack-ishhh

no bc these are all actual conversations ive had with myself at 3am HEHDHD

"Mmm, do jellyfish have brains?" you asked, your eyes spaced out as you spoke your thoughts aloud. It was a genuine question, and you needed an answer.

"Wha-" You saw Oikawa, who was lying down next to you, turn to face you in your peripheral.

"Y'know, they're all clear and stuff." Your eyes met his. "Where's their brain?"

"Wait. Y/N." Suddenly he was wide awake, and he bolted upright, reaching for his phone. He opened up Google on his phone, his fingers typing fast to find an answer.

He misspelled "jellyfish" in both excitement and sleepiness, instead spelling it as “jelylyfsh” but the search engine got the idea. He pinched his screen to zoom in onto an image of the bowl shape of the jellyfish, and low and behold: there was no visible brain, like you expected.

"WHERE IS IT?" He looked back at you with wide eyes.

"EXACTLY."

"Maybe they don't have a brain? They just vibe in the ocean, brainless. Like... zombies," he reasoned, sticking his arms out ahead of him, mimicking a stereotypical zombie. Most logical answer possible.

"They just..." you looked for the right words, "...bop around." You leaned back into your bed, moving from your sitting position into a sleeping position. Your eyes traced the edge of the ceiling as you thought about what jellyfish truly did.

"I wish I could be a jellyfish." He flopped his head onto your stomach, you becoming his personal pillow. His arm hung off the edge of the bed, casually swinging as he thought. "You could sting who you wanted and you don't even have to think. You just dance and float all day,” he sighed, his hands moving animatedly as he spoke, and you hummed in agreement.

You loved this "free" and "silly" side of Oikawa: something you saw the most past 2am. He had always worried about being perfect during the day, around his fangirls, classmates, and such, and while he still had fun, he wasn't as carefree. Maybe that was why you wanted to stay up later.

“Who decided that ‘gen z' was known as ‘gen z'?" you voiced. It was just on your mind, and Kuroo blinked at you, squinting his eyes because he had trouble keeping them open. "Like... did we all just collectively decide on that?"

"You're still awake?" he asked. You nodded, clearly wide-eyed.

Sleep was not one of your intentions; you just wanted to know why "gen z" was "gen z," and who had decided on it. It couldn't just be an overnight decision if everyone in the world referred to your generation as "gen z."

"Go to sleep," he muttered, his voice small and raspy with sleepiness. He trapped you with his leg, pulling you closer as he tried to pull you into sleep as well. He tucked his nose into your shoulder, mumbling other thoughts incoherently.

"But who decided?" you pressed.

"I don't know, but we can find out in the morning." You groaned: you needed to know now rather than in the morning.

"It's already morning," you reasoned. You gestured to your clock, ticking away on the wall, which flashed "3am" to back you up.

"Technically yeah, but 3am is still considered night for many, since people go to sleep at this time." His eyes were closed, but his mouth kept moving, which you somehow found attractive.

"Tetsurouuuu, I need to know." You pouted, but he couldn't see, of course, since his eyes were closed.

"You'll know... in the morning." You huffed. "Sleep."

"Why are hippos purple in like little kids's books?" Bokuto asked randomly, and you hummed.

"That's why I'm saying!" You talked with wide hand gestures. "What about elephants, why are they blue? Both are gray, anyways." He nodded eagerly in agreement. "Why do you ask?" He looked at you proudly before sticking a piece of paper in your face.

"I'm coloring!" Bokuto cheered, and you grasped the paper he shoved into you. It looked like something straight out of a kindergartener's homework. It was like a safari of colors if it was on a paper.

"You're coloring... at three in the morning?" He looked to the wall clock, confirming that it was indeed three am.

"I guess so." He shrugged, as if coloring some printable coloring page from the internet was more important than sleep.

"Can I join you?" You smiled, and he grinned back even wider.

"Of course!" He handed you some blue for the skies, and the two of you got to work.

The crayon compared to Bokuto's hand was tiny, and you were surprised to see how carefully and gracefully he was able to fill out the lines of animals. Impressive.

bonus: tsukishima

"Why do donuts have hol-" you started, but Tsukishima put one hand out blindly to cover your mouth.

"Sleep."

"Okay." There was no arguing with Tsukki.

Haikyuu Taglist: @floralkawa ​ @ray-ofmoonlight ​ @sushijimawakatoshi ​ @bokutsumie ​ @felixsamour ​​

OKAY GN IM AT 4% BATTERY AND I LOST MY CHARGER SEND HELP

[koshicoast]

A few shinkami headcannons because I love them more than anything

Shinsou has a growth spurt and practically towers over Denki by their second year (for all intents and purposes, Shinsou has always been in class 1A)

Denki grows a little bit but not that much, he’s not complaining though, he gets Shinsou to grab stuff on the top shelve for him or has him hang up posters in higher places in his room (the only downside is that he has to get on his tippy toes for kisses but usually Shinsou will just bend down like a good boyfriend)

They go on dates every Sunday, It’s their day and it doesn’t matter what they’re doing as long as it’s just the two of them

They could be studying or doing homework or exercising or anything really and they’ll call it a date

The rest of the class knows better than to try and contact either boy on Sunday

“Normies worship Jesus on Sunday but I worship Shinsou” - Denki, at one point in time

Shinsou loves playing with denki’s hair, he buys different kinds of hair clips just to put them in denki’s hair

he just likes how the colors pop out

He especially likes to see purple hair clips in denki’s hair

Tbh it doesn’t have to be hair clips, it could be a scrunchie or a rubber band or a headband; as long as it’s purple it does wonders to shinsou’s heart

Denki likes playing with shinsou’s hair too but more than that he likes seeing Shinsou in yellow clothing

Shinsou doesn’t wear bright colors a lot usually sticking with black or cool tone colors

But when he does wear yellow, Denki just gets all mushy no matter how small it is

It could be yellow earrings or socks or something and Denki will wear a love sick expression all day

Despite being in the hero course, Shinsou still gets incredibly insecure about his quirk and how some people only see him as a villain

Denki, without fail or hesitation, tells Shinsou what a great hero he’s gonna be, he talks about how Shinsou is gonna inspire a new wave of underground heroes and how he’s gonna be some kid’s Aizawa one day and how proud he is of him (The first time he said that, it makes Shinsou sob. It makes denki cry too bc he’s a sympathetic crier so they just lay in bed holding eachother)

He also tells Shinsou how no matter who’s the number one hero, Shinsou will always have first place in his heart. And that Shinsou is just as much as any other hero out there and even a little more because he’ll be underground

Denki just loves his boyfriend so much and whoever planted the idea that some quirks are just made for evil is going to get electrocuted >:(

Denki will also pepper Shinsou in kisses saying things like ‘you are so kind’ ‘you’re an amazing person’ ‘I love you so much’ ‘You’re my hero’ and just a bunch of stuff so by the end of their heart to heart Shinsou is feeling a lot better

Denki gets insecure about how ‘dumb’ he is and how he’ll probably just end up hurting civilians or himself before he hurts a villain

Shinsou hates how that’s how Denki views himself because Denki is one of the kindest people in the world and doesn’t even realize it like the first time Denki told him that insecurity, Shinsou looked at him and was like ‘are you..you’re serious? Denks, You’re one of the most clever people I know’

Whenever Denki mentions it, Shinsou he just squeezes the blonde and lets him cry out his frustrations before telling him that ‘he’s not an idiot or stupid and that it’s okay not to understand something as fast as others and that it’s okay to learn differently and it’s okay’ (Shinsou will always try not to cry but a few tears fall anyways bc he just wants denks to be happy without feeling like he’s a fuckup)

Shinsou never lets Denki call himself an idiot or stupid, even in a joking way.

They don’t fight a lot because of their personalities like

Denki is a people’s person and is really in tune with other’s emotions and by default is a pacifist unless otherwise

Shinsou isn’t a people’s person but he’s observant due to his quirk bc of how he’s been treated in the past, he’s also good at picking up on people’s body language

Most times it’s just small disagreements and even then they communicate the best they can and try to compromise

If that doesn’t work then they’ll give each other space so the disagreement won’t turn into something ugly

They’ve only fought once and it was the worst (and best) thing for them

The fight happened after a mock rescue mission goes wrong and there were weeks of stress and tension leading up to it

It was messy and bad like really bad

“I just don’t get why you have to run into danger!” Denki screamed. The whole dorm could probably hear them but he didn’t care, not when his boyfriend was looking at him like he just lost his mind.

It was supposed to be a simple training exercise. Simple. Go in, defeat villains, rescue the ‘hostages’. It was not that simple.

*insert how badly the mission went and Shinsou ran towards the danger to help or smth idk*

It gets pretty rough between the two of them because they’re both pretty emotional people

Shinsou thinks denki doesn’t want him to be a hero and denki thinks Shinsou doesn’t want to be with him

It’s a lot of insecurities + stress + yelling

Denki is the first one to break, he’s a lot more emotionally sensitive than Toshi and everything is just crashing down and he hates it

“Do you just not want to be with me?!” He cries, unable to keep the tears at bay any more. He hates arguing with people, especially when that person happens to be his boyfriend. He gets it, he does! Toshi is training to become a hero and so is he but that doesn’t make it easier. Doesnt stop the shot of fear whenever he watches the other get hurt, doesn’t stop the late night self deprecation, doesn’t stop the anxiety he gets whenever he sees Toshi run head first into danger.

But he gets it and somehow it’s a bitter realization.

Because Hitoshi’s priority is the job they signed up for and Denki’s is Hitoshi.

The fight ends with tears on both their parts and they call it a night, too tired to scream anymore

They sleep in their own rooms that night

The next morning they agree to take a break, not a full break up, but some time away. Space away from each other to prioritize and think.

(Now ive seen fanfics where everyone picks denki over Shinsou and i hate that so fuck you, class 1A are both their friends and they’re all family and try and to help each other I will die with that statement)

Surprisingly the two most helpful people are Bakugou and Kirishima

(Actually not that surprising, they’re the longest couple in the whole class, dating immediately after Kamino)

Bakugou and denki have a heart to heart

“You’re both dumbasses” Katsuki sighs heavy, passing another tissue over to the sobbing blonde. He’s not good at these kinds of things, but Kirishima told him he could help the electric blonde more than he could so here he is. “You gonna tell me what’s wrong or just cry?” He asks, not without a hint of worry though. He pretends to ignore it.

So denki tells him everything and his insecurities

Oh. Yeah, Kirishima was right.

“You think I’m an idiot” Denki mutters quietly, harshly rubbing his eyes.

“No” The older blonde shakes his head, plopping down on the bed next to the other. He doesn’t turn to meet yellow eyes, his own trained on the All Might poster hanging directly across from them. He feels Pikachu’s curious gaze on him so he decides to elaborate more, knowing the sooner he helps the sooner he doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. It’s totally not because he’s gotten soft. Absolutely not.

“Trust me, Zombie Eyes looks at you like you put the fucking stars in the sky. It’s disgusting to watch.” He crinkles his nose in disgust earning a small laugh. “People like him and I, we gotta work twice as hard. Not saying that no one else does but it’s different.” He stresses the last word. “People like Ei or Deku or even you, people already see you as good so all you gotta do is get stronger. They don’t question your character, your morals, they don’t look down on you for having a weakness. People like Zombie Eyes and I though?we gotta work hard just to prove that we’re good. That we were meant to become heroes. Every action we do is put under a microscope and analyzed.” He explains.

“We’re assholes by default, It’s how we were raised. Not saying it as an excuse though. He was in the shitty system and I had shitty parents, no adult taught us shit like love or how to properly deal with feelings.”

Stupid Deku tried with him but he didn’t even know how to deal with his own much less some angry blond kid’s.

He takes a deep breath, pushing back faint memories of his childhood. The younger hasn’t said a word but he can tell he’s listening so it’s fine. “We can’t just turn off how we are. If it’s frustrating for you and Ei, It’s worse for us. Like we know logically that we’re good people, that we changed but that’s now how our brain sees it. We push ourselves because that’s all we know how to do, it proves to us and everyone else that we bled for our spot here. That we made it. Having friends is hard because we compare ourselves to them and draw our own conclusions to their actions. Being nice? Our brain says it’s a trap. Showing some human fucking decency? Our shitty brain says it’s an act. Being in a relationship? Laughable. We’re just villains pretending to play heroes to everyone else.”

He takes another deep breath, forcing himself to look away from the poster, flashbacks to their first year briefly passing in his head. Okay yeah, not going down that route. He looks over, making eye contact. He wonders if this is how Kirishima feels whenever he’s trying to cheer him up. Wonders if it’s just as hard. This better be worth it, everyone has been miserable. (Shitty thing about having been through life and death situations together is that everyone has bonded and become close like a family so when one of them is sad it’s like everyone is fucking sad.) (He loathes it because even he gets worried.)

“But despite that he still loves you.” He says softly, almost whispering like he’s telling the other a secret. “Fights his demons to hold your hand and all that shit”

Shinsou loves him? Loves him?

“How do you.. how do you know?” Denki whispers, throat sore. “We fought so badly last night, we were screaming at eachother.”

“He treats you the same way I treat Ei.” He answers,

“He changed his priorities around to try and accommodate for another person in his life, you became more important than training or studying. He takes days off to be with you, cuts his studying short if you need a break. It might not seem much to others but for him that’s huge. He came in with this one track mind but then you came along and he scrambled to balance everything. And then you two got your shit together and started to go out and I’m pretty sure he got scared”

“Scared?” Denki asks, the thought almost funny to him.

“I did.” Bakugou admits as Denki’s eyes grow wide.

“I was petrified. When Ei started to become more important than hero work, I freaked. It’s not that loverboy is choosing being a hero over you, It’s because he doesn’t understand that he can have both. He thinks everything important is a choice- that if you want something you have to give something up. He chooses hero work and he loses you. He chooses you and he loses hero work.”

“But he’s not going to lose me or hero work”

“Kinda sounded like you did give him an ultimatum though”

The realization hits him like cold water.

Shinsou gets a similar talk with Kirishima

It helps, a lot

They don’t immediately go back to eachother, instead spending the week with their everyone else and just taking time for themselves

Shinsou knocks on Denki’s door Sunday morning and they finally talk things out

It’s also the first time they say ily!!

Anyways after that fight they work harder on communicating especially when it comes to things like hero work

It’s not perfect bc their dumb traumatized teens but they’re trying and they know their lil family will always be there

I haven’t slept but yes thanks for sticking around if you’re reading this

If ur interested in shinsou’s talk with Kirishima lmk

[nikrangdan]

cafeworker!ni-ki

pairing: cafeworker!ni-ki x female reader

genre: fluff, comedy

description: the cashier at the new coffee shop was so adorable you just couldn’t resist visiting just for him

**did not proofread

————

contrary to popular belief, you were NOT a social person

whenever you were around friends and family, you were always the loudest person there

like SHUT UP Y/N!!!!!!

anyways although you were loud, people still enjoyed being around you because you had such a sweet soul and interesting humor

everyone close to you knew that you hated talking to people you didnt know

but to all the strangers? no

they would think you were an outgoing ready-to-meet-new-people extrovert

which was so, so wrong

but ALAS, you had to talk strangers almost everyday living in 2020

(well lets pretend we arent in the middle of a pandemic right now)

moving on......

so you were in high school at the downfall of your existence

you used to have so many friends when you were younger ..now you only have like 3

and those three were always busy (busy making up excuses thats for sure) so you never really hung out with them outside of school

and on one fine evening after school you decided to visit the new cafe 5 minutes from your house

u were really excited because all the cafes were 15 minutes from your house so now u could just walk to this one if u wanted to !!!

but yeah it was in the middle of a small plaza that had cute buildings

you pulled up to the parking lot and was just about to get out the car when u remembered..

u have to talk to the cashier :/

who’s a stranger! even more ://

it was always so weird to you.. whenever you went out you always had someone else order for you because you just hated talking to strangers

you just felt uncomfortable and you couldnt help it

its not like you have never ordered for yourself but you would always prefer not to

and now that you think about it

this is the first time you have gone out by yourself

you did text one of your friends beforehand but they said they “had homework to do”

LIES!!!!

but you really wanted to try the coffee so you just ran with it

time to face your fears!

you opened the glass door to reveal a cute looking cafe, like the ones you’d see in movies

you loved it already

glancing to the cashier you’d have to be talking to—

hold on

you had to do a double take because WOAH.....

the cashier...

he....

wow..

you have never seen a boy like that in your life

you stood there for like 3 seconds before coming to your senses and standing infront of the menu

that was infrONT OF HIM

“hi, what can i get for you?”

HIS VOICE OH MY GOD..!?!?!

“oh um.. can i get a second to .. look..?”

“yeah of course,” he gestured to the menu on the wall above him

hes so nice u almost cried

your eyes shakily traveled up to the chalkboard menu and u began to ‘read’ the options

its like u could feel his eyes on u WTF!!!!

um um um *internally keyboard smashes*

you couldnt even think

the words on the menu were like gibberish

the ONE time u go out by yourself

this had to happen.. of course! someone had it out for you, you were sure of it >:(

picking a random drink you gave him your order

“uh can i have an iced caramel macchiato?”

ITS LIKE YOU CANT SAY A SENTENCE WITHOUT UH OR UM

u cant help but think hes judging you

he looks like that while u are standing there in old sweatpants your dads tshirt

“sure, what size?” he looks into your eyes after putting your order into the machine

god you felt your heart stop

his Eyes..... theyre so beautiful

“oh um regular” you attempted to give a small smile

hopefully it looked like one

“okay that’ll be $5.12.”

you dug out some cash from your bag and handed it to him

he gave u your change and gave u a small smile

“your drink will be out in a minute”

AAAAA

he went :)

he is so CUTE.....?!?!

he looked around your age too

sigh... you knew he was way out of your league though

you were gushing over him but he probably thought you were just another boring customer

while waiting u sat at one of the 2 person tables on your phone

and u IMMEDIATELY went to text your groupchat

‘GUYS’

‘AT THE CAFE NEAR MY HOUSE’

‘CUTEST BOY IVE EVER SEEN EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE’

‘WTF IM GONNA CRY HOW DOES HE EXIST’

‘WAIT BRB HE S COMIBBG’

you tried to quickly put your phone down without looking suspicious when you saw him walking towards you with a drink in his hand

“here you go, enjoy” he said before swiftly making his way back to the counter and talking to the other worker there

wow... hes so mesmerizing

you’d steal glances at him every now and then while taking sips of your drink

you were sitting there for like 20 minutes before you noticed you finished your drink

you totally forgot you came here to see how good their coffee was

it was good by the way

sadly it was your time to leave

taking one last glance at him, you threw away your empty cup and walked out the door

wow

u cant believe you got to witness the most beautiful human being ever

in your small town?? crazy

you were sitting in your car just thinking

WAIT

U DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!

you mentally punched yourself but then you started laughing

what does knowing his name even matter, its not like u were ever going to talk to him anyway

LOL

*sad emoji*

but the coffee was good so you definitely planned to go back

and not just because of the cute boy

...unless....

*time skip*

the next day you went there was a week later at the same time in hopes that he was working the same shift

AND HE WAS!!!!

score! 1 for y/n, 0 for umm... any other person who had a crush on him too i guess

the cafe didnt have too many people since it was fairly new and also in a small part of the city

so when you went in, you were the only one there along with the two workers

“welcome, what would you like to order?”

NOT THIS AGAIN

he looked even cuter today

his messy blond hair almost covered his eyes

you shouldve forced your friend to come with you this time

you ordered the same thing as last time but this time he asked for your name

hmmm

“um y/n” you answered

your heart was always beating 2 times as fast whenever you had to talk to him

he wrote it down on the cup and after you paid, you went to sit down at the same spot as last time

looking at him is literally the highlight of your day

the same thing happened as last time, he came over and gave you your drink without giving u a second glance

>:((((

boooo look at me cute boy

nonetheless u continued going to the cafe at the same time as much as u could which was like three times a week

literally over a month later and u dont think anythings going to happen

u punch yourself for thinking the boy would somehow find interest in you

hes still indifferent to you which isn’t surprising since you’ve never made any kind of move

ever

but

he should know u by now

hopefully..

*time skip again*

it was a saturday

at this point you’ve basically given up on having a crush on him and now since its become a routine u just say you go for the coffee

not really paying attention to your surroundings you dont notice that the boy at the cash register isnt the normal one you see almost everyday

“hey, what would you like to order?”

woah WHAT

you look up from your bag to notice a boy that was definitely not the one that normally stood infront of it at this time

and you also noticed something on this new cashier

a name tag

how come your old little crush didnt have one????

this new boys name was ‘jay’ and he was fairly cute too

looking around the corner at the other worker u noticed he has a name tag too

you recognized him because he was always working when the cute boy was at the cash register

his name was ‘heeseung’

after taking in these new additions you answered to jay

“oh um.. can i ge-,”

“she gets an iced caramel macchiato. her name is y/n”

??!<_|#%[>~€\£~

you whipped your head around so fast to see who said that behind you

was it who you thought it was ??!??!

YES IT WAS!!!!

OH MYGOD

ITS HIM

you widened your eyes at the boy who wasnt wearing his normal black and white uniform

instead he was wearing black ripped jeans and a gray hoodie

wow....... and u thought he couldnt look any better

BUT OMG?? HE REMEMBERS U

“oh wow ni-ki, you know her?” the boy named jay asked him

“uh yeah.. shes a regular” he said before walking to stand next to you

NI-KI

HIS NAME IS NI-KI OHMHGOD

u thought his name fit him perfectly its so CUTE

“are you gonna get something too?”

this whole time you were silent because.. what is going on

your heart was being SO fast you thought that everyone could hear it

“yup, can i get the same thing? also im paying for both of us”

WHAT??/):)/$;##\%|

ur eyes widened even more it looked like they were gonna pop out of its sockets

u unconsciously leaned towards the boy next you and kind of put your hands up

“w-what?? oh um no, you dont have to do that” you nervously said to him as he looked down at you

he kind of had a smile on his face

“i want to.”

there is no way this is happening

“oiiii ni-ki” jay chuckled while punching in numbers on the cash register

“ill have both of your drinks out soon, you two kids have fun!” jay said before turning around to face heeseung

WHAT??!!??!

your jaw almost dropped from shock

millions of thoughts ran through your brain and you couldnt even process anything

u cant believe this was happening

it was like a wattpad story or something.. is this how u meet ur soulmate

your thoughts were interrupted by a hand on your back momentarily and u look to see ni-ki shyly grinning and gesturing u towards a table

no way...

you awkwardly follow him to a 2 person table next to wall and sit down

you literally could not hear anything except for the pounding of your heart

“uh sorry about that...” he rubbed his neck and sheepishly smiled

“im ni-ki by the way”

“y/n...” u felt so awkward u wanted to cry

“agh, im really sorry if that was weird.. i just didnt know how to ask you out.....” he trailed off

*passes out*

IM JOKING

Ok but u felt ur heart stop bc NO WAY

“wait what??” u ask, ur eyes bigger than the moon

“um yeah... haha i took the day off today to try to talk to you.. sorry if that was weird..”

HE WAS SO AWKWARD JUST LIKE YOU IT WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER

“no its okay!! im glad actually...”

“really? so is it okay if we hang out?” he asked excitedly

u did not think u could handle HOW CUTE THIS BOY WAS O M G...

“of course! sorry if im kind of awkward though” you gave a small smile

“its okay, i think i am too”

you two began talking about the cafe and where you went to school

turns out even though you two lived in the same town (literally 5 minutes away from eachother) u went to different schools for some reason

u talked for like 2 minutes before jay walked up with your drinks

“hows it going guys?”

“its doing good bro, now go away..” ni-ki lightly shoved jay and laughed

you giggled at the sight

jay looked offended and came right back

“that is not how you talk to your elders ni-ki! y/n do you see this?!” he scoffed

ni-ki just rolled his eyes and turned back to you

“do not ignore me young man!” jay joked

“oh y/n, ive heard all about you from ni-ki over here by the way.”

ni-ki’s eyes got so big you almost got worried

he turned around so fast and gave jay one of those ‘i swear if you say anything ur dead meat’ looks

jay obviously did not care

“hes always like ‘y/n this y/n that’ blah blah im glad he finally got the balls to ask you out because im honestly sick of hearing it!” jay laughed

u were blushing so hard

NI-KI LIKED U????

this felt like a dream

ni-ki pushed jay away so hard and turned back with red cheeks

awe

but yeah that was the beginning of the cutest relationship ever

u and ni-ki were so cute together <333

you’d always visit him during ur free time

it took like 2 months before u two made it official tho

and he was the sweetest boyfriend ever

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Peter Parker’s Younger Sibling

Peter Parker x sibling!reader

warnings: bullying mention, blood mention

a/n: a fuckin reach, its been a WHILE since ive seen tasm

prompt: y/n is peter’s sibling

peter and you were playful kids

you were just a year and some months younger than him, so you had a harder time remembering your parents than him

but he always told you stories about them that made you miss them a little more

peter was a genius, we all know it

he was the one helping you with your homework most nights

“peter i cant do it!”

“that’s okay, y/n. look, start with two times four, that’s eight, then four times six, twenty-four, right?”

“can i say a cuss word?”

“sure”

“math is shit”

you would cry during homework a lot

you’d also pass out on his floor after talking for hours

and you’d either wake up facedown on the floor or in your room since uncle ben would pick you up and put you to bed

peter took it upon himself to take you back to your room, but he usually dragged you by the arm, sooooo

you’d play action figures together

he was batman, you were robin always

“can i be batman?”

“oldest gets to be batman so im batman”

“but i wanna be batman!”

peter walked you to your school before taking off on his skateboard

and he’d pick you up on his way home

on half-days your brother taught you how to skate

you fell a lot

aunt may had to patch you up

“how many times do i have to tell you those skateboards are dangerous?!”

peter got you your own skateboard so that you could practice without him

you would text him after you did a trick and he’d always say hell yes! show me when i get home!

being his photography assistant

really you were his assistant constantly

science fair was the most boring day of the year

“y/n, stand right here, i need to get something from my locker”

*judges walk up while youre left unattended and in a state of PANIC*

you were bullied in middle school, same as peter, he’d always stick up for you and get beat up instead

it made you very mad but it was scary, too

“how’d you get into this fight, peter?”

“oh, you know, just happened”

“peter was sticking up for me, uncle ben”

“was he now? you’re a good brother, peter”

lonely when he moved onto high school :/

but you got there soon enough

you guys were kind of loners, just ate lunch together, lugged around your skateboards, you were an artist, he was a photographer

just spectating the chaos of high school, rolling your eyes at the drama

“i have two bucks, do you want anything from the vending machine?”

“uhh, a coke?”

you saw peter get bullied by flash and lost your shitttt

you actually started a food fight after throwing mashed potatoes in his eyes

“what the hell, parker?!”

“sit down and eat your goddamn food, flash, or next time it wont be potatoes”

peter was half-proud, half-embarrassed

trying to see how long you could skate through the halls before any authority figures stopped you

sometimes......you guys got sent to the office together :)

*phone ringing* “hello, is this ben parker?”

“which one of them is it this time?”

the principal’s office was a trip sometimes

you and peter exchange your glances and wait to get scolded

“ah, the parkers, come in, lets have a chat...why do you two always feel the need to get in trouble together?”

“we just happen to get along really well for siblings”

no you fuckin dont lmaoooo

it was always something with you two

like always

*banging on peter’s door* “I KNOW YOU HAVE MY BROWNIES, PETER, GIVE THEM BACK”

*peter through a mouthful of brownies* “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT, YOURE CRAZY”

“is that my jacket?” -peter

“you mean my jacket?”

“y/n, i swear to god if you steal any more of my clothes it’s over for you”

“well, aunt may keeps giving me your clothes, so take it up with her”

and then there was just the little annoying things

“peter, can you stop clicking your pen?”

*clicks pen faster*

“you’re the worst”

and my personal favorite

“peter, open the door”

“why?”

“emergency”

*opens bedroom door* “what?”

“aunt may is making meatloaf”

“shit, uh...get your board, we’ll skate to mcdonalds and tell her we already ate”

peter and you RARELY ever brought your parents up until he found your dad’s briefcase, you didn’t have much to say

soon he was flooding his room with conspiracies and pulling you in to explain them

he began acting REALLY weird, but he was pretty open with you, he told you he went to oscorp

“YOU SNUCK IN??”

“your standards for me are way too high, y/n”

soon you started to feel not-so-good and weird things started to happen

“peter??”

“yeah? whats up?”

“this is gonna sound really weird...my hand is stuck to the door”

“it happened to you, too??”

“happening, pete. wait—this happened to you?? what is this???????”

yall done fucked up and got bit by spiders peter had so carelessly brought back into the house

it was an adjustment to say the least

and this adjustment got a whole lot harder that one night...you can remember peter just...so upset

you tried to chase him out to make sure he was okay, but uncle ben told you to stay with your aunt

maybe if you’d have been there...it would’ve been different, but when the cops got to your house you were at a loss for words

peter was covered in his blood still

“hey, hey, just breathe, okay? it’s not your fault, peter. just hop in the shower, yeah? i’ll take care of your clothes”

when peter took your advice and you were left alone, you just cried, you cried until he finally found you curled up in a ball in your room

then he cried, you just hugged each other sobbing your eyes out

peter got distant for a while, which was rough since the two of your were mourning for your uncle and dealing with these newfound powers

sooner or later he came around and helped you out, designing webshooters and a suit for you

“we match?”

*sigh* “yeah...yeah, we match”

ah yes, spider-team

you really tripped out new york at first, they thought spider-man was a teleporter

peter was still talking about your dad, but you really didn’t care, uncle ben was always going to be who raised you

you and peter would be covered in bruises after going out

“uh—peter punched me”

“y/n???!!!”

“I PANICKED”

just being dumb scared teens that cant function to save their lives until they get a little bit lucky

seriously like, every big villain you guys fought was just the worst

peter didn’t help all the time, he was good at provoking them sometimes

“hey, spider-man, you mind shutting up for a minute? for my sake?”

“sorry, sorry, just couldn’t help myself!”

he gushed to you about gwen stacy, he actually dragged you to her apartment to be patched up by her SEVERAL TIMES

yadda yadda yadda peter graduated high school! how cool is that? but he was late (what a surprise) even though you put off spidering today just for this

but he made it and you clapped the loudest for him

“thats my brotherrrr!!!”

cute family picture! (aunt may printed a bunch of them and gave them to you two and peter pinned them to his wall)

you and peter actually have a lot of pictures of the two of you just goofing off

he has one of you stuck in a trash can that cracks him up every time

seeing harry osborn again after YEARS

“wow, y/n, last time i saw you i just thought you were peter’s annoying little sibling”

“aww, it’s good to see you, too”

electrooooo

this guy really worried you bc like, bzzzz shock

you and peter weren’t equipped for that

it took a while, but you were finally able to deal with that

and several other problems

including peter’s breakup, which was a whole ordeal of its own

*peter laying upside down on your bed* “i dont know, y/n, you know? i wanna be with her so bad, i love her...but her dad is haunting me”

*you, drawing on your notepad with your legs propped up on his* “yeah, makes sense”

you actually had to tap out during the end of electro, you were hurt pretty bad

“y/n, hey? yeah, you’re okay. stay here, just stay right there, i’m gonna be back for you”

*thumbs up to show youre still alive*

but when peter came back for you there was bad news, he’d lost gwen

he ripped his mask off and fell to his knees, you could barely move but you powered through it, giving him a hug while he cried

“we...we better get home before aunt may starts to worry”

she was at work, so you two had the place to yourselves to clean up and mourn before the official news was revealed

“i should have listened to her dad, y/n, this is all my fault”

he was a mess, you couldn’t bare seeing him like this. it’s been so long since you’d seen him like this

the funeral was rough, peter was grasping onto your shoulder the whole time

he insisted that he was going to stick behind and stay with gwen for a while

“okay, i’ll see you at home...love you”

“love you too”

you gave him a hug and left him to his business, the next few months you were the only spider-person operating in new york...until rhino popped up

“im coming with you”

“you’re sure?”

“yeah, im sure”

(these are kinda ass but anyways im tagging my marvel ppl even tho ik this isnt mcu so just ignore this post if you dont care, sorry!!)

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @allthecreativeonesaretaken // @frostedgiant // @praellee // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs //

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[bbhyuckie]

jaehyun x reader

librarian! au

genre: fluff

words: 1.7k

warnings: realistic portrayals of college life lol

ive said before that im being self indulgent with posts

but this is really it

im really out here writing this

lets get into this mess

so youre studying right

and you yourself do not have a laptop of your own

bc welcome to being a broke college kid im calling myself out

so you decide that youre gonna go to the library on campus bc sis,, cash in on the tuition money ok

so you go and youre like wow hahahaha i dont have a library card better sign up for one

so you go to the desk and theres no one there

just your luck really

you decide to wander around a little to see if theres anyone who can help you

and low and behold you stumble across someone

this young man knelt down by a shelf with a book rack next to him just humming softly and organizing books

and you catch his attention by clearing your throat slightly

he looks up and his eyes are big over the rims of his wire framed glasses that are clinging to the tip of his round button nose

and his hair is a little mussed from being bent down

but holy hell

youve read enough novels to know that this must be exactly what the characters are talking about when they say things like ‘love at first sight’

“sorry” he says as he standcs and brushes himself off “can i help you with anything?”

starstruck really

you manage to stutter out something about needing to register for a library card and he smiles so kindly it makes u want to melt

“sure!’ he says, motioning for you to follow him back up to the desk

is this what a trance feels like???

he asks you a few basic questions, like your name, your age, and what building your dorm is in so he can put it all on your new nifty library card

and then he turns around this lil webcam on top of his computer and asks you to stand in front of it and smile

and you do, awkwardly

and as hes looking down at the computer counting “3, 2, 1” he has this smile on his face like hes trying to hide it

and if that didnt make ur heart jump you dont know what ever would holy

so he prints off your card as youre still trying to recover from being in the presence of an angel

and he hands it to you and smiles

“library hours are 8 am to 12 am every day, but on the weekends i’m the one that closes. which means if you ever need some extra time to finish that essay you pushed off,,, i wont tell anyone”

aND HE W I NK S

and not lot a hot wink

but a cute?? wink??? if thats possible

like you have a secret with him now and its safe

you wonder absently as you stare down at the black and white picture of yourself on the back of your new card if he tells everyone about him closing on the weekends

and if he doesnt does that make you special???/

you smile and thank him again, maybe a little more confidently than before and head for the door

you realise as youre halfway out that you came here to study on the computers but you really need some time to sit down and process the fact that you just say an actual angel

you can do your math homework on your phone for one more night if it means you can turn down your body heat from screaming blushing mess to slightly embarrassed rosy cheeks

the next time you get a chance to run by the library on campus, it just so happens to be sunday

you catch yourself wondering if dream boy meant friday and saturday or saturday and sunday when he said weekends

thats not important right now

what is important is that you have actual business to do in the library today

and that business is to pick up hamlet for your english class

you check in and someone else is at the front desk

you try not to let yourself feel disappointed

i mean you met him once for christs sake

the guy at the front is equally as attractive as dream boy from the previous week, but a little more relaxed to talk to since he isnt giving you any flirty subtones

the kid is all business really

he tells you that his name is doyoung if you need anything else

you ask how he got the job there, out of curiousity

because really, both of the librarians youve encountered seem pretty young for the standard librarian stereotype

doyoung explains that its a work-study job, so nearly all the people that work there are students at the university and work in between classes or on their off days to make some extra cash or pay off some tuition

and you can get behind that!!

so doyoung is cool and you decide you can go to him to ask questions instead

because while dream boy is a dream boy with pretty cheekbones and nice lips and a smooth voice and a good sense of style and a great height without insoles and looks great with glasses and has the most captivating eyes

hes a lil distracting lol

anyway you find yourself in the shakespearean section

and you grab a hamlet off the shelf and head back up to the front to have doyoung check the book out to you

and as hes handing you the book back you get a classroom notification saying that, despite common belief, the book rental wasnt due by tomorrow, but the whole book reading is due by tomorrow

you wonder how the fuck professors get away with shit like this and then you remember that you didnt bother to read the syllabus so you cant really get too mad at anyone but yourself

so you find a table that looks like it has the comfiest chairs and cozy up for a long evening of reading and annotating

(depending on who you are you either love or hate hamlet, either way it is exhausting to annotate anything from that man so bear with me ok)

five hours later and ⅔ of the annotations later it is 11:56pm

and you havent noticed

you hadnt noticed much of anything happening in the real world after you popped in a headphone and started reading about guards seeing a ghost

that is until someone plops down in the seat in front of you and asks

“so what are you studying”

and you look up, a little delayed because youre finishing a notation

only to find that its dream boy

and your brain blanks for a sec bc wow every time you see him its kinda like?? ouch???? my heart bro

so you just kind of shake your head and mutter some “im not really sure anymore”

and theres some truth to that!! first there were ghosts and now theres dead girlfriends dads and dead girlfriends and talking about a skull in a graveyard

that play is really a wild ride brother

and dream boy sits there and laughs, wholesomely

you could die happy

“yeah i get that” he says, rubbing the back of his neck

theres a pause that carries on a bit too long

“wanna hear a dumb joke?” he asks suddenly

you smile then, partially out of exhaustion and partially because wow?? cutie

“sure” you say

“okay. what do you call a nervous javelin thrower?”

you pause for a sec bc wtf

“dunno. what do you call them?”

he flashes this cute fucking grin that you know is supposed to be slick but just comes off as wholesome and says

“shakespeare”

and you shouldve seen that coming wow

and its so dumb that you actually??? giggle????? and that turns into a laugh??

youre probably just exhausted from annotations but maybe that was actually funny

and his smile softens like hes made progress on something

“y/n, right? i dont think i ever actually introduced myself. i’m jaehyun”

he smiles and reaches across the tabe and you take his hand

its warm and strong and you try not to think about it too hard

“well, y/n, library loses here in another two minutes or so.”

he sees the look on your face fall

“but never fear!” he leans forward and lowers his voice

you hold your breath

“i told ya you could stay, didnt i?”

his smile is closed lipped and cute and genuine

before you can say anything hes up and ushering the last few people out of the library, telling them good night and good luck with their classes tomorrow

youre kind of caught in a brain dead daze after finally being pulled from your studying to watching this cute librarian named jaehyun bustle around and lock doors and turn off lights

and when he finally gets back to you he clicks on the lamp on the table youre working at and sets a cup of coffee in front of you

he mustve made it as you were falling asleep with your eyes open

you thank him copiously before asking

“i thought you let everyone stay after hours when you closed”

he looks up over the rim of his mug with a surprised look in his eyes

he shakes his head as swallows the clearly too hot coffee

“not at all. most of the time i kick them out and study by myself.”

he blushes like its a confession and it makes you feel,,,, something

but you dont want to press

so you just reach out and offer your other headphone to him because if you dont know what to say then you can both enjoy some good study music

so he pulls out his homework for the night and the two of you sit there and study

you sip off your coffee occasionally and both of you nod your heads to the music playing in your ears

he hums along to the ones he knows and a thought skips across your mind

you could get used to this

(theres a 100000% chance there will be a part two to this)

[flounderingfisherman]

fishy excuses

currently slamming my way through my second dirty shirley of the night in order to numb myself to the monotony of pain Ive become accustomed to. lmaoo that was pretty dark and very dramatic.  I am just so tired and have grown so impatient in this whole endeavor. like i feel like i try so dang hard and nothing ever works out?? And it has been so easy to regress back to maladaptive thought patterns that I’ve worked do hard to grow out of. Like it is so easy to feel undesirable and unlovable and honestly just ugly. In every way. But when the mature Arlo brain is finally able to gain control back from reptile brain Arlo, I am able to put everything into perspective and resign myself to the fact that sometimes shit doesn’t work out and also possibly that the universe may hate me?? And I realize that rationalizing the irrational is not the most helpful way to deal with these sorts of thoughts, but frankly, I go on a lot of dates. A lot of people message me on tinder. And a lot of times it is me, like I may have commitment issues?? But I also just think I have high standards, which ig it is what it is with that shit. Like i’ve only recently been able to really cut ties from my suuuper catholic upbringing and my very intense religious beliefs, but when shit like what happened this past week happens to me, it genuinely makes me reconsider the possible existence of a governing deity because literally how could one person’s luck be this bad?? like I must have pissed off somebody somewhere for sure. 

But anywhooo, this week I received a text from someone that ghosted me literally 3 whole weeks ago. The last text I sent them was me asking them out on a date. But if I’ll be honest, I had already ghosted them for about half a week at that point and I had honestly just texted them because I was bored and lonely lmaoo. Which I admit wasn’t very cool of me, buttt a bitch loves attention. But anyways, this person and I had connected via tinder about a month ago and basically had arranged a ~coochie consultation~ later that week. So I texted them the morning of to check in to see if they were still good for that night. They responded a few hours later and asked for a raincheck for a few hours later bc they had a lot of homework to do. On a Friday. So that was cool. But also, consent is key lmao, and I get that they were probably just intimidated bc we saw each other at the dining hall they day before and ngl, I just carry myself in such amore confident way than they do. And thats totally okay, I get it. Confidence is a journey, y’know? But at this point where I’ve made the decision to be hot shit and act like hot shit, so therefore, I am hot shit. And I know this makes me sound like an asshole, but I do think they were just intimidated and scared. But i am just soooo ughhhh. A bitch just wants someone to hold their face and maybe get a couple smooches?? Is that too much to ask for? A bithc is just trying to break into her hoe phase and past her ctaholic guilt and shame phase.  Okay so anywhooo, we didnt hookup and we sorta talked here an there for like a week and then I asked them out. Fast froward 3 weeks later to last night when I get a text at 12:45 in the fuckin morning that was like, “I am soooooo sorry I didnt mean to ghost you. But also, Im in relationship rn :0″. And that is what brought upon this questioning of the existence of god. Bc what would be a reason for one to send that text if not being possessed by a pissed off and vengeful power?? Like they were clearly just trying to tie up their loose ends and make themselves feel better. And also of course to flex on me. And they absolutely did. Bc no matter how hard I try, no matter how hot I look, nothing ever seems to work out. And i recognize that this semester is the first time I rlly have put myself out there with intention, but aghhhhh.

Sooo, zooming in on the last 24 hours: Whilst munchin on my tasty ass hawaiian za, I got a message from someone on tinder inviting me to ~cuddle ~ with them in their room the next night. Being the horny bitch I am, I of course agreed to it. And I was also honestly pretty excited bc I thought they were so cute and they seemed witty and funny, which I imagine would make for a good hookup?? Not that I would know unfortunately. Anyways, after sending me their address this morning, I got a message a couple hours later asking to post pone bc they weren’t feeling  very well. And I know that this was probably a genuine excuse because they initiated it all on their own, but I feel like there not being a reason for all this bad luck makes it that much more frustrating?? Like come hell or high water, no matter how hard I fuckin try, shit will somehow end up not happening. GARGHHHHH

And I am aware that this whole thing is very self-pitying and the epitome of wallowing, but it’s just like???? litcherally wtf is going on. 

Just a bunch of fishy excuses is all I hear

[jooheonies]

nawar lover no.1 aka user shwhyuk uwu

bloodorangeki said: the lady formerly known as hyuccwoo, shreknu if u will,

send me a tumblr url and ill tell you what i think of them!

hhhhhh ok before i eben launch into this full love essay. i jst wanna say tht u truly are the light at the end of my tunnel sejung,,,,u make me so happy !!! Like i remember when i was losing my mind off of like three sips of pineapple cider and i legitimately felt like i was gonna throw up but then i was like … damn i can’t forget to text shannon and tell her about all this. and then i talked to u for a full hour or so while u called me a liddle babie nd i continuously whined…either way you truly have me under your spell you demon!!

okay so not to be. dramatic but youre so dreamy and pretty you remind me of rain and soft kisses on the cheeks and rose gardens and bouquets of flowers and soft sunlight on flower meadows and like! that feeling you get in your cheeks when you smile too much for too long and you get that permanent blush across your face! god that’s probabaly nonsense and not very cohesive but you have the same sort of colors…soft orange and light pink….you’re like a sunset on the beach right at the start of spring when theres barely anyone on the shore and the whole world feels really big and wide but even though youre all alone you don’t feel lonely because it still feels like the whole world(you) is poised right at the edge of your fingertips.

hhhh that also probably made very little sense but i dont care i love you so much and im very bad at expressing emotion (blame my virgo moon who hasn’t felt any feelings in over 18 years) but i still feel like always showering u in that sweet love and affection, despite the fact that im horrible with words and i have absolutely no consistency. I feel like it’s really rare to meet someone who literally changes your entire perception of the world but … damn here we are!! tlkaing to u is literally a part of my daily life its a part of who i am at this point :/

Anyways, friendships don’t really come naturally to me because I have a very weird perosnality where like. im simultaneously suffocating whilst also being very detached and it turns people off so quickly but..god we mesh so well i truly love you so much. i also tend to not write a lot whenever i make these posts bc im the kind of person who continously says how much i love you throughtout the convo (even thoguh ill ghost most ppl for a few days) so whenever i get around to writing these im like :// but what else do i say :// but this time!!! oooo i have so much to say i can never go into full loving hours with you bc you always turn things around and get me to start talking abotu myself and pretty soon we start talking about how i used to raise rocks as a kid instead of talking about how hot you are :/

so anyways firstly . those were just the intro pragaraphs im finally getting into my loving sejung essay :(( helloooo one of my favortie things about talking to you is how easily the conversation always flows ….us talking about shownus asshole and the questionable consumption of expired jello and orbeez at 3 am is most likely the more demonic things weve done while simultaenously being the more tame things…my head still aches when i remember that giagntic bruise i got from looking at that wonho+tentacles/changkyun+black hole sketch u made… god we somehow always go from topic to topic with absolutely no regard for cohesiveness and yet neither of us ever question it…we’ll spend hours discussing absolutely nothing …like that one night we stayed up for like three hours on rabbit talking about all the different mx stans and which member has the most stans internationally versus domestically and why….icons of developing complex sociocultural theories at 2am while occasionally mentioning “oh wow its late u should go to bed >:/” god its just that I always lose track of time whenever I talk to you…its like im so focused on that I Love Her mood that I don’t even realize its been 4 hours until I look down at my pile of unfinished homework and then back up at my laptop like. This was a Valid choice why would I pick ib math when I have a whole entire sejung talking to me. hhhh its just that talking to you comes so naturally and I always tell you all these quesiotnable things to which you always respond by first calling me a demon and then laughing about it and encouraging my stupidity. it’s also so so endearing that ill tell you about the dumb shit im doing and your first response is always to nag at me to be safe and take care of myself as if ill actually listen to you and clean a cut with alcohol, risking legitimate Pain… anyways sejung? queen of making me feel loved and noticed? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK!!!!

hhhhh ok moving on now I get to talk about how. sexy u are damn….i remember back when we were first starting to talk and you sent me those pictures of yourself in that button up and I literally. I quite literally almost passed out in the starbucks while the barista was handing me my strawberry lemonade I truly almost lost it…nd right before that I was encouraging you to talk to the boba girl nd flirt nd be all spicie…but then u sent me those pics nd I was like for what reason would she have to impress boba girl when im right here … mouth open so wide in love that all the bobas are spilling out of my mouth :( not to be dramatic yet again when I know ive mentioned those selfies before but damn…those were so hot u unbuttoned like two or three of the top buttons and u looked so hot truly. raw me vore me behind each and every single boba store location hewwwooo u look so intense nd powerful im truly putty in ur hands not only would I lose my mind for u, I have already lost it

hhhhh im very much rambling and making very little sense rn bc its. 2:30 am and im sleebie nd I blocked all social media sites so id do homework bt I kept thiknning abt u so I was like hm the universe clearly wants me to write about sejung more even though ill have to post this in the morning bc tungle is blocked until then :// bt anaywas that also means I get to go into all the other thigns I love about u and all the things u remind me of :(( hhhh its so wild that I never actually aunch into full loving shannon mood bt I talk abt u so much w my friends theyre all. suspicious ,,,,

them: nawar u don’t actually like romance and u hate talking about people r u perhaps dating this girl??me, w hearts in my eyes laughing at smth ure saying on my phone: what

HHHH DJHFKSJDHF TAHST TRULY ME,,,,ALWAYS THIKNING ABT U,,,ALWAYS BEING BIG HEART EYES FR U,,,at any given moment I could be reminded of u :( I see a piece of paper nd im like huh I should do work then again is work necessary to live perhaps not but sejung is necessary to live,,,,me thinking abt u as I procrastinate every single thing ive ever had to do :D Like, ive never understood when people say that they hated a zodiac sign at one point, and then they met one person and they were like oh my god nevermind this sign is perfect but truly,,,I love geminis now ,,,I used to hate them almost as much as cancer nd now? geminis are all good ure so wonderful nd loving nd sweet u being a gemini saved geminis collectively,,

ill also neber stop talking abt how now matter how much I whine and demand attention, youre always jst,,,supplying it without any question like at one point people usually get annoyed, no matter how endeared they were by it at first, bt youre always calling me a baby (even though im older) nd giving me that sweet Love and Attention,,mmmmm my libra sun thrives under ur care :( hhhh also I feel it is important to point out I love. all of u,,,,like I don’t even usually care much for peoples voices or anything unless its like so deep it sounds like the grim reaper bc that’s wild u ,,bt anyways the first moment I heard ur voice I was. breathless I was so shocked like ur voice is so soothing nd warm its like. if the aesthetic of sunlight and honey and warm pies had a voice,,,hhhh im also not the type to really believe in things like fate nd destiny and soulmates and stuff bt that’s kind of what u remind me of ? in a? not weird way hhhhh so I feel like youre just so naturally in tune with people like nothing really catches you off guard and you roll with peoples different personalities and quirks and you always jst. mesh so well with everyone ure like the minhyuk of the internet,,,,nd like!! theres smth abt u that reminds me of balance and maybe its my libra sun always seeking peace and harmony in life but I always feel so relaxed nd steady whenever I talk to you its like . idk how to explain it!!! its jst so comforting!!!

I was originally gonna cut myself off at 1k but its too late for that now and im gonna put this under a read more anyways and its 3am now so I feel like. go Big or go Home!!! now im gonna launch into a long analysis of u! and ur smile!! first of all,,,its so rare nd wild to find someone who likes validating people more than being validated,,,,u finding my libra antics cute???hhhhh tahts so wild,,,,I could pout for hours nd u would call it cute,,,validating!!! nd the fact that you’ve read my writing,,,,excerpts from my demonic wips and youre stil friends with me?? you still talk to me?? damn that’s like. never to be expected any time I make someone read that tangerine fic they ghost me for a good month but I sent you pieces of that tentacle fic and YOU FUCKCING SKETCHED OUT THE LOOK,,,,,MY MUSE,,,nd also you tend to always steer the convo around to focus on the other person n dim a FOOL who almost falls for it every time,,,before I remember and make u tell me thigns…god ive told you so many obscure things from my childhood like that time I tried to eat a brick and yet you still,,,,talk to me,,,,who are u,,,,hhhh ure always so cute nd giving nd caring I feel like I could genuinely truly look like shit nd send u a selfie nd you would still be like WOW GORGEOEUS YOU LOOK SO GOOD THAT’S HOT!!! u,,,going out of ur way to make ppl happy :( anyways im a fool in love w u ,,,also not to be like. one of those old white boy text posts from tumblr but ,,,,hey girl,,,ladie,,,wamen,,,did u know? ur smile lights up my world? ,,,did u know? theres no such thing as u being anything less than perfect,,,why? because its impossible to be anything less than the essence of who you are. hhhh that’s the dumbest thing im ever written im cutting myself off that was too much this is like. 2k words so far and in all honesty I could continue but then id get gushier than that last line and nobody wants to see That,,,hhhh

this started out with. somewhat decent grammar like I used periods and I think I occasionally capitalized the first letter of the sentence but at this point its incoherent rambling it’s the inside of my brain every time I see u or hear frm u its like when spongebobs brain was on fire and all the cabinets and computers were going up in flames and all the little brain spongebobs were losing their mind that’s me right now losing my mind over you I wrote exactly 2k words in that whole essay,,,,im so fucking valid,,,,ananywas I love you if you couldn’t tell nd iim . somewhat satisfied at being able to vent all this love,,,smoochie,,smoochh,,SMOOCHIIE

[botanyshitposts]

Hey, just wanted to say I know how you feel about having people be weird about you liking plants, I get that all the time too. It's weird to not be yourself around close friends and family, especially if you're the one they go to to talk about whatever they're into, like double standards much???On a side note, have you been tested for ADHD because I have it and the way you think/act sounds a lot like me and it's often misdiagnosed as OCD or autism in girls/women/generally studious people.

okay lol i typed out a huge thing telling my life’s story and then was like……mmmmmmmmmm lets not so here are my Mental Health Highlights™ regarding that fun time. generally i try not to post stuff like this on this blog bc i feel like it should be For The Plonts but it also deals with how plants actually saved my life so:

-I’ve been professionally diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, ADHD, and depression. 

-OCD like?????? wrecked my life man. like it was a constant undertone in my childhood and tl;dr was a super bad time and i didn’t get properly diagnosed until i was in high school and i was like??????? oh my god it makes sense????

-started undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for my OCD and anxiety in high school bc i was having a Hella Bad Time™

-results just in: thoughts cant hurt u and u dont have to wash your hands until they bleed and Good Numbers and Bad Numbers are just numbers, etc.

me:

still miserable at school because i was relearning things i already learned/taught myself on the side and was frustrated and hated everything and myself 

-my ELP coach reached out to me and asked if i’d like to do a plant experiment??? she would use program money to get the equipment???

-shoutout to my ELP coach for making school worth coming to again and making homework and projects worth doing on time again bc she gave me a chance to actually do something that im interested in and express myself through science and be challenged, just not in class (*insert american public school tangent here*), literally, actually saved my life and stopped my self harming and helped my depression bc at the end of the day i got to do what i loved 

-shoutout to my environmental sustainability teacher who encouraged me and was 200% willing to use his resources to help me learn, who sought out the edge of what i had taught myself and used his college microbiology degree knowledge to teach me more and provide me with more resources instead of circling me back into the lesson and making me wade through what i already knew like all my other high school teachers did when i asked them more questions to extend on my extending on my learning

-anyway back to the ADHD thing

-so i always had some obsessive thoughts and actions from my OCD, but when I got put on my current medication thats been working SUUUPER WELL I LOVE IT, i suddenly couldn’t focus. my grades dropped. this was literally in the second half of my senior year. i was off any and all ADHD medications because of their stimulatory effect, which i learned the hard way a few years ago made my OCD compulsions 200% worse and symptoms more intense. 

-okay like. this was wild right

-my psychiatrist told me that because I was struggling with my depression, anxiety, and OCD less, my ADHD was starting to show more because my (copious) energy was no longer being bogged down by depression or eaten up by fear and compulsions. 

-that. took a little bit to get used to. like i had to change my study habits and stuff (current study set up: 1. ALWAYS study at school/in a different building because when i try to study at home/in my dorm it’s a signal that it’s time to begin winding myself down and tapering off my energy for the night, and i fall asleep 2. use white noise to drown out that Dank ADHD Hypersensitivity and Distractibility). I also am now more fidgety than i was and need more effort to focus– i control this by working out every morning to burn off some of the residual stuff so i can actually function (not yoga lol). if i dont, im hit with weird slams of writing inspiration and distractibility during the day, which are cool but then get looped into obsessive thoughts that make them hard to shake

-it just was a weird moment of realization for me because the last time I struggled with my ADHD explicitly was in early elementary school. it had been “gone” for so long that i literally thought that my parents had me diagnosed too young and it was a wrong diagnosis (i was diagnosed in kindergarden). 

-most, if not all, of my autism-like-symptoms come from my OCD and ADHD. I’ve been tested for autism, and do not have it. my hyperfocus and passion come from obsessive thoughts and stuff relating to those two disorders, and im inclined to say that my social incapabilities relate to impulsivity and oversharing related to those two disorders as well (i’ve been doing pretty well controlling those lately having gotten help for that in therapy, but…….you know……still working on it like yikes. i feel better about it after meeting some of the grown up, employed plant academics here at school, which all share some resemblance to me in social ability. ive heard rumors about the whole “academics are bad at socializing” stereotype but like……….i see it now…….these are my people………)

[mmakehappy]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? i’ll try to do this chronologically again: so at the beginning of january one of my best friends left to study abroad in rome which was sad and i missed her a lot. i saw rory scovel do stand up. i took an animation class which was fun for the first few weeks until i failed it lmao. actually my classes from jan to march did not go so well tbh but whatever i made it through. my sister came to visit me the weekend before st paddys day which was super fun and then we saw panic which was soooooooo fuckin rad i love them still wow! i went home for spring break and visited a local winery w my dad which was a lot of fun and then a week later uhhh me and @carrot-gallery became gfs!!! and my whole frickin life changed bc i love her so much wow!! but then a week after that i turned 22 and spent my birthday alone! which i tried to pretend didnt make me sad but by the end of the day i was very sad about it and thats when my sweet gf called me to sing happy birthday and i sobbed on my couch and ill never forget that!!! so okay then spring quarter classes started and i was a part of depaul’s visiting artist series which was super cool... i met a lot of new awesome people (both at depaul and the industry ppl that were our guests!) and made some great friends in that class! i was a house manager and camera op which was super fun. i went to a screening of my fave professor’s short film which was also rad. i saw a ghost story at the chicago critics film festival, which was amazing. i saw idiocracy in 35mm and then mike judge did a q&a! the very next day i was house manager for depaul’s student film festival at the music box! i saw chris gethard do a live recording of beautiful/anonymous and then also do some standup, that was awesome. i saw day wave live!!! amazing! i spent an entire dystopian day dealing with megabus. that was hell! i sat at an outdoor amphitheater and even tho i couldnt really see him i got to listen to seu jorge sing david bowie covers and life was magical for a few hours. my sisters came up to visit me and we saw aladdin the musical and had our minds blown, it was soooo fun! i went to the chicago pride parade for the very first time but i went by myself and at one point i was sitting on the curb just crying! not a high point but still memorable. i won a ticket to an advanced screening of the big sick where kumail & emily were there to do a q&a after the movie.... had a fuckin blast OBVIOUSLY and then saw the movie 9 other times in various theatres. i also made it into a commercial FOR the movie i just loved it that much lmao! i moved into a new (and my current) apartment! lorde released melodrama and fucking murdered me in my own home. otherwise i had a pretty uneventful but anxiety filled summer bc of financial aid stuff so that really sucked. i saw good time w taylor and the safdie brothers were there to do a q&a and they were such interesting guys i could listen to them talk for hours honestly. my mom and sisters came up to visit me and we took our mom to her very first cubs game which was sooo so much fun and they won that day too!! it was awesome and we had a great time :) watched the eclipse (or tried to anyway!!) fall quarter classes started and i honestly kicked ass at them, i got on the deans list (i almost typed honor roll lmao i mean its basically the same) i hung out with ari again which was cool!! we went to the aquarium! me and taylor saw beach fossils which was honestly the most buckwild concert ive ever been to i think, it was good shit. i got jobs at AMC (which i have since quit lmao) and starbucks and left my job at the paint place which was bittersweet! me and taylor saw mbmbam live!!! so fun!! and we watched trolls that night and goofed on it so hard!! i went home for thanksgiving and found out my big sister is gonna have a baby this year!! :D i saw mike birbiglia do stand up! which was soooo incredible of course (except i felt bad bc my mom was supposed to come w me but she couldnt go! so i brought taylor lol) UMMMMM MY DAM GIRLFRIEND CAME TO CHICAGO TO VISIT ME AND STAYED FOR A WHOLE DANG WEEK AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER SHE MAKES ME SO HAPPY WE HAD SO MUCH FUN AND I MISS HAVING HER RIGHT NEXT TO ME EVERY SINGLE GOSH DANG DAY <3 ;_____; and that was my year!!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? last year i said id like to read at least one book each month and watch at least 100 movies - i did neither! im keeping the movie resolution though bc cmon 100 movies should be EASY for a film major wtf am i doing!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no but it will happen in 2018! 

4. Did anyone close to you die? not a person but we had to put down my sweet doggo, flash :(

5. What countries did you visit? still none :/

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? More confidence that I actually deserve to be in college and that I can do this shit and I’m awesome <– that was my answer from last year and the year before but yeah. same. also money.

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? ummm march 25 when me and gf became gfs and also dec 17 when she came to visit :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? putting myself out there by doing VAS/Premiere, getting on the deans list for the first time since freshman year and then also getting a new job

9. What was your biggest failure? this summer i didnt do shit besides wallow and cry and it sucked!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? nope

11. What was the best thing you bought? every movie ticket and the bras i bought for natalie ;-)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? natalie’s because she’s amazing and works so hard!!!! and she can always cheer me up and im so in love w her

13. Whose behavior made you appalled? mine bc i could never just get my shit together and do my homework when i was supposed to :) < thats from last year but lmfao same!

14. Where did most of your money go? RENT, movie/event tix, food, in that order

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? THE BIG SICK, the new season of sv, p much all of the events that i listed in the first question lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? umm honestly probably any song from melodrama

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier, b. probably thinner? or maybe the same idk, and c. definitely DEFINITELY poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? read and write and watch movies and write and read about movies

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending money and also being bitter about everything for no reason <– last year and the year before that AGAIN and also same!

20. How did you spend Christmas? working at AMC which i hated every second of :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2016? yes with my amazing girlfriend @carrot-gallery

22. What was your favorite TV program? silicon valley, AMERICAN VANDAL, the good place, great british bake off

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? nah just politicians who like. actively want me to die lol

24. What was the best book you read? bitch,

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? mitski like why the fuck did i sleep on her..... tbh thats about it bc i still listen to the same music i did 10 years ago

26. What did you want and get? I wanted a steadier/better paying job and i have it!

27. What did you want and not get? idk i wanted to be financially stable on my own and i still dont have that

28. What was your favorite film of this year? ugh i hate this question! ok in no order: THE BIG SICK, GOOD TIME, A GHOST STORY, GET OUT, THE FLORIDA PROJECT

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? uhhh having my sweet girlfriend by my side each and every day 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? sometimes chic, always sweaty

31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? kumail nanjiani duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, taika waititi, and martin starr always and probably more but i legit cant think of anyone rn lol

33. What political issue stirred you the most? yikes all of it. all of the issues (this was from last year but same lmao)

34. Who did you miss? i miss my dogs and my family and my girlfriend 35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. You can set goals for yourself and talk about it all you want but it’s nothing until you actually start working towards it and doing something about it. <– answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that, still true!! imma keep that. also idk just like, there are good days and super bad days and ive survived all of them so its just a reminder to myself that ill be okay.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. These days will all seem better in time Waiting on that hindsight

[eorumverba]

Nine Days

(x)

happy birthday @sluthyun ily lots 

Jonghyun can’t help hiding his face with his hands, flustered both at Taemin’s would-be interrogation and at Jinki’s message. He doesn’t have to look up to know that Taemin will have that infuriating half-smirk on his lips, so he swallows his flustered grin and says, “Someone liked Blue Night, and they messaged me about it. Their name is Jinki, and they’re really sweet and nice and funny.”

Day One

Jonghyun is lazing in bed instead of studying; his screen is split into two so he can see Taemin on skype and his tumblr dashboard at the same time. His phone blinks and maybe it’s redundant to have tumblr open on mobile and on his laptop, but…

dlstmxkakwldrl: i rly like the way you talk about ur loved ones !! the way u talk about taemin esp is soft and cute and so ;;;;;;;;

“What happened, Jonghyunnie?” Jonghyun doesn’t even have to look up at him to know that Taemin’s got that smile on his lips, the one that is fond, amused and exasperated all at once.

Jonghyun looks up and over at him, smiling as brightly and innocently as he can. “Dunno what you’re talking about.”

“You’re really going to try that? With me? I know you’re not doing your homework, and I know you have a lot. You’ve been putting it off for at least a week, Jonghyunnie.”

“I am doing my-”

dlstmxkakwldrl: though im sure he’s not as cute as u

Jonghyun can’t help hiding his face with his hands, flustered both at Taemin’s would-be interrogation and at Jinki’s message. He doesn’t have to look up to know that Taemin will have that infuriating half-smirk on his lips, so he swallows his flustered grin and says, “Someone liked Blue Night, and they messaged me about it. Their name is Jinki, and they’re really sweet and nice and funny.”

jonghyun.948: i kjhjkhgj thank u sm ;;;; hes my best friend so i love him a lot;;; im hjkhjh glad u like it

jonghyun.948: we’re talking now actually hjjgjh

“Blue Night…I’m proud of you for that, you know? It’s grown so much since we met.”

“Ah…” Flustered, Jonghyun shakes his head. “Thank you.”

“What did your crush say?”

Jonghyun ignores Taemin’s teasing and mumbles, “Shut up.” Louder, “They said they listen to Blue Night every Friday, and that they like my songs more than the ones I play by other people, and they think I have a nice voice and that they like when I talk about you.”

“And...I’m guessing you already have a crush on them.”

Taemin looks at something else behind his computer and then laughs, and then Jongin is taking up half the screen, grinning wickedly. “You’ve got a crush?”

dlstmxkakwldrl: tell him hi

jonghyun.948: no hes being rlly mean;;; hes teasing me

dlstmxkakwldrl: why?

jonghyun.948: ;;;;;

jonghyun.948: not telling

“I don’t have a crush.”

Taemin’s and Jongin’s matching grins of exasperation and fondness are horribly  pixelated but Jonghyun can practically see how smug they are right now. Even though he does not have a crush.

“You’re so predictable, Jjong. It’s honestly adorable. So, what’s the story?”

“Their name is Jinki and they’re really cute and sweet and nice and funny and-”

“They listen to Blue Night and they complimented our Jonghyunnie. That’s literally it.”

dlstmxkakwldrl: why not?

jonghyun.948: flustering

dlstmxkakwldrl: tell me anyway

jonghyun.948: ;;; taem knows me best and i !! didnt even do anything to give it away but;; he nd his roomate are teasing me that i have a crush on u

dlstmxkakwldrl: djfslkdjflsdkf oh my god that is so cute

jonghyun.948: taem was like “what did ur crush say?” and jongin came over like “u have a crush” nd i khjhgjhg

dlstmxkakwldrl: SDFKLSFD THAT IS SO ADORABLE

jonghyun.948: kgjgjfjd st o p omg

dlstmxkakwldrl: ahh no oh my god ur so cute im !!!!!!

Jonghyun is pretty sure he actually makes a noise at that, and he rolls over to bury his face in the sheets to muffle his giggles. When he peeps back over at Taemin and Jongin, they look seconds away from laughing, and he mumbles, “They called me cute.”

“How many times has he giggled so far?”

“How many times do you think Kibum threatened to lock him out of the room?”

“Twice!” comes from Kibum and Jonghyun turns his laptop so his roommate, who is hard at work, can wave. Then comes the ping of a new message and Jonghyun quickly brings his laptop back into his lap and giggles again as he begins to type.

dlstmxkakwldrl: sdfjslkdjfsdf im amused at the fact that they could Guess that fast sdfkdsf

jonghyun.948: apparently im rlly obvious kffjhd theyre teasing me now tt

jonghyun.948: this is Your fault tho I'm blaming u

dlstmxkakwldrl: i’ll Gladly take the blame

“So what’s happened now?”

“I told them that you two were teasing me about my crush-” Jonghyun pauses, “about how you think I have a crush on them. And then they called me cute and-”

Kibum gags and Jongin bursts out laughing, says, “That’s sickening.”

jonghyun.948: do it quickly nd face ur Punishment

dlstmxkakwldrl: ckafldlskdf can i just say again that ur rly adorable bc skfdjdf u Are

jonghyun.948: jphjjhjg I literally??? Just got over being flustered stop omg

dlstmxkakwldrl: AHHHH

dlstmxkakwldrl: my mission is a Success then

jonghyun.948: bhkhigi ihu omg

“Jjong, you’ve been smiling and giggling for the past few minutes.”

“That gross fond smile too,” Taemin adds. ”The one you only have when you’re talking to a cute tall boy.”

“I am not!” When Jonghyun checks his reflection in the tiny box on the skype screen, he sees that he in fact is. He almost wants to turn his camera off, but that’ll just give Taemin and Jongin more satisfaction at being right.

“Anyway,” he starts, “I’m going to go to bed, it’s late.”

Kibum snorts, and Jonghyun twists around to stick his tongue out at them. “Goodnight, you two devils.”

Neither Taemin nor Jongin flinch at the nickname, just wave and hang up. Jonghyun is quick to close his laptop and turn out the light on his side of the room before settling into bed. “Night night, Kibummie.”

“Have fun with your crush, Jonghyunnie.”

Jonghyun decides to ignore them, and he fumbles for his stuffed puppy to kiss her good night as well before opening the tumblr app.

dlstmxkakwldrl: But Do U Really

jonghyun.948: i ljhhjgj am not gonna answer that

jonghyun.948: i will say that im mad at you tho

jonghyun.948: super super mad

dlstmxkakwldrl: lkdfsdfjklsdf the absolute Angriest i can imagine

dlstmxkakwldrl: i keep saying i Know but listen ur so cute i just keeping being all !!

Jonghyun rolls over and wiggles in place, ignoring Kibum’s snickers before holding Roo up to his face and peeping out at his phone over her head. Jinki is so so so flustering and even though it’s nearing 1:30 in the morning, all he wants to do is keep talking to them.

jonghyun.948: lis te n i am Frowning at u

jonghyun.948: or i would be if I....could stop Smiling but that's aside the point

dlstmxkakwldrl: i hop e  u know that i feel like ur pouting rn and it only makes this cuter sdjfsdf

jonghyun.948: i gjjgfjfh would but i can't stop smiling kgjgf

jonghyun.948: roo is covering the messages so I don't get even More flustered tho

jonghyun.948: roo jllhgj is my stuffed puppy

dlstmxkakwldrl: ahhhhHHH u have a little stuffed puppy !!!!

jonghyun.948: ;;;;; shh

jonghyun.948: you’re mean

dlstmxkakwldrl: and ur the Most adorable person this is very important to say

jonghyun.948: !! False false false

dlstmxkakwldrl: !! no its true true true !!

jonghyun.948: pouting at you

jonghyun.948: super mad

dlstmxkakwldrl: OHHHH MY GOD

dlstmxkakwldrl: ok u were right u aren't cute u are Absolutely Precious

jonghyun.948: jlhkggk shh omg

jonghyun.948: my face hurts from smiling tt

dlstmxkakwldrl: ifkskaka im happy u are smiling

jonghyun.948: hokhgjvn gn

dlstmxkakwldrl: ive said this a million times but ur so cute okay

jonghyun.948: just Wait until u see my face yike

dlstmxkakwldrl: i bet ur the absolute cutest

jonghyun.948: no;;; I look twelve tt

jonghyun.948: everything about me is small tt

dlstmxkakwldrl: shush i bet u like the most Adorable

dlstmxkakwldrl: ur personality is honestly just like rly precious

jonghyun.948: ;;; do u have snap? ill prove u wrong when its light out

dlstmxkakwldrl: yeah @skehehdanfdldi

Jonghyun is almost surprised at the keysmash, but it’s...almost endearing, and he’s quick to add Jinki on snap. Then he remembers the picture of him and Roo (his real dog, back home) and sends that through chat. Somehow, it’s nearly 3am, and maybe he’s tired, but Jinki’s here. Jonghyun finds that he always wants them to be here.

jonghyun.948: look!

jonghyun.948: thats roo!

jonghyun.948: my real roo, not my plushie roo

dlstmxkakwldrl: UR CUTE OKAY

jonghyun.948: nnnnnnno

dlstmxkakwldrl: YES !!!

dlstmxkakwldrl: ur so cute ffhhdfd u should rly rest now though

dlstmxkakwldrl: it's rly late there i shouldn't have kept you up so much

jonghyun.948: i;;;; only have a final at 5:30 tmm night I can sleep in

jonghyun.948: nd ;;; I don't mind it was nice

dlstmxkakwldrl: okay im glad you don't have a morning class or anything dgjkdd

dlstmxkakwldrl: but it Was nice !!

jonghyun.948: ;;;;; ssh

jonghyun.948: sleep soon too if its late

jonghyun.948: i ;;;; ye gn im sleepy

jonghyun.948: nighty night

dlstmxkakwldrl: night!! rest well ;;

Day Two

Thursday is largely uneventful; Jonghyun only has his one calc final that evening, and after, Taemin convinces him to go get takeout to celebrate, even though Jonghyun is largely sure that he’s failed. Taemin is getting takeout now as well and Kibum is out - likely at the library - so Jonghyun has the room to himself, but he waits for Taemin to get home and on skype to start eating.

“So,” is the first thing he says, “how’s your crush?”

Jonghyun would roll over and away if he didn’t have food in his lap; as it were, he pouts at Taemin and shakes his head. “We didn’t talk today.”

But Taemin is still grinning, smug and expectant, so Jonghyun continues. “We talked a lot last night and it was really fun and they’re so-”

“Jonghyunnie, I don’t need a rundown of how cute and funny and sweet and nice they are.” Taemin’s teasing again, and Jonghyun’s pout deepens.

“Mad at you then.”

“Mmhm, I’ll go then. Bye-”

“No! Stay.” Jonghyun’s phone lights up as he speaks and he wiggles excitedly in his seat, because when he unlocks his phone, it’s a message from Jinki. It’s nothing special, just a short greeting, but it still makes his heart flutter and a grin spread over his lips.

“I’m guessing you’re talking to Jinki, huh? What did he say?”

dlstmxkakwldrl: helo............

“Just hi.”

jonghyun.948: ;;; i missed you

jonghyun.948: khkhvj im skyping tae nd he just oh you're talking to jinki aren't u nd I khgigu

dlstmxkakwldrl: THATS SO CUTE

dlstmxkakwldrl: the way u get flustered is Adorable and also tell taem i say hi

“Jinki says hi,” Jonghyun reports, and he doesn’t know why he’s giggling, but he is. Taemin kind of just hums like he doesn’t quite believe him, but when Jonghyun looks at him, he’s grinning.

“You’re cute when you have a crush, Jonghyunnie.”

Jonghyun wants to say that he doesn’t have a crush, but at this point, he probably definitely does.

jonghyun.948: vkhkjvvu shut omg nd Also he says hi

dlstmxkakwldrl: i will Never shush

jonghyun.948: im......frowning at u??? The meanest

dlstmxkakwldrl: my mental picture right now is

dlstmxkakwldrl: that tiny fight emoticon

dlstmxkakwldrl: (ง'̀-'́)ง you

“Jonghyun, you’re giggling.” Taemin sounds exasperated, but in that fond way that means that he doesn’t really care.

“I’m - it’s Jinki.”

Taemin snorts, shakes his head. “I almost feel bad for Kibum.”

“Kibummie’s at a final, hush.”

jonghyun.948: i vkjg well tiny is right rip im;;;; 5'7

dlstmxkakwldrl: T I N Y

dlstmxkakwldrl: THE TINIEST

dlstmxkakwldrl: i am Spiritually squishing ur cheeks

“They said they’re squishing my cheeks!”

“How come you don’t get all flustered when I say stuff like that?”

Pause. “I…”

Taemin seems to realize, because he bites his lip and shakes his head, mumbles, “Never mind.”

“I think I should go. It’s...late anyway.”

It’s barely 12:30, and they’ve stayed up much longer, and Taemin seems to know this, because he just nods and says a quiet, “Good night,” before hanging up. Laptop put away, Jonghyun settles in bed before turning on his phone to answer Jinki.

jonghyun.948: i;;; have a question

jonghyun.948: bc like. Just? u know i like you nd just khjfjf what are boundaries i guess

It’s a long few minutes before Jinki answers, and Jonghyun almost falls asleep before they do, but at the buzz of his phone, he quickly wakes up again. He’s suddenly nervous, remembering what he’s about to ask, and he bites his lip before unlocking his phone.

dlstmxkakwldrl: Elaborate on what u mean by boundaries

jonghyun.948: just;; you keep calling me cute and i need to know?? If it’s platonic? bc i know its only been day but i get crushes really easily and i dont want to misread anything

Kibum comes back in bearing a smoothie that they give to Jonghyun. They pet his hair as Jonghyun takes his first sip (he can taste mango and strawberry, so it’s perfect), then scratch gently at his scalp until Jonghyun hums out his praise. “Did well on my final, I think,” they say, before dumping their stuff on their bed and flopping down as well. “Where’s Tae?”

“We...talked. And then we hung up. Um. Thank you for the smoothie, Kibummie?”

“How’s your Jinki then?”

“Oh! I forgot I was talking to them...having an important conversation with them.”

Kibum waves a lazy, sleepy hand and curls into a loose ball, likely already more than half asleep. Jonghyun grabs Roo and kisses her head before unlocking his phone again, which is already blinking a message from Jinki.

dlstmxkakwldrl: oh djsnsj right that but Anyway yeah i am definitely being flirty rn bc i definitely feel a little bit of a crush so !! no worries that is reciprocated

jonghyun.948: ;;; flustering

jonghyun.948: i feel like i should say more but;; flustered

dlstmxkakwldrl: u should say more………

Jonghyun’s heart is racing and he reaches over to turn out the lights and get comfortable in bed before answering, typing slowly and burying his face into Roo’s softness to keep his embarrassment in.

jonghyun.948: im;; definitely more than a little crush;; bc every time i got a notif id be disappointed if it wasnt;; and i was counting down the hours until u got back;; i just really like talking to u nd i kept;; thinking of how u called me cute and it made me rlly happy;;; taem nd his roommate kept teasing me and its just rlly obvious how happy u make me nd i hjkhgj im comfy with u nd i like u a Lot thats all;;

dlstmxkakwldrl: ahh oh my god im ;;;;;; im happy ur comfy w me bc i also felt very immediately comfortable talking with u!! it's rly easy to talk with u so im just all !! i rly enjoy talking to you

The next time Jonghyun unlocks his phone, it’s nearly 4am, and he pouts to himself, taking a sip of his long-since melted smoothie and squinting at the brightness of his phone. He’s not sure if Jinki will still be awake, but now that he’s woken up, he may as well message them. He certainly hopes they’ll be awake anyway, wants to talk to them until they fall asleep again.

jonghyun.948: i;; fell asleep ;-;

dlstmxkakwldrl: khjjhg u should go back to sleep

jonghyun.948: ;;;; but you're only here when it's late

dlstmxkakwldrl: ill talk to u earlier than Late tomorrow i promise dhgxgh

jonghyun.948: ;; still dont wann go

dlstmxkakwldrl: gcchjfdd cute i don't want u to go either But its late and u have to

jonghyun.948: ;;; then you Have to be here earlier tmm

dlstmxkakwldrl: i will be here earlier bc i Promised

jonghyun.948: ;; night night then

dlstmxkakwldrl: rest well

After turning off his phone, Jonghyun kisses Roo one more time before wiggling into a more comfortable position and curling into Roo so his face is pressed into the back of her head like they’re spooning. Even though his mind is racing with thoughts of Jinki and him and them, he falls asleep almost immediately.

The last thing he thinks about before he falls asleep is of Jinki, here, spooning him to sleep.

Day Three

Jonghyun doesn’t wake until nearly noon; Kibum is out and as soon as Taemin answers his message, they skype; Jonghyun can hear faint snoring and giggles because the deepness of Jongin’s sleep and the strength of his snores never gets old for some reason.

“Hey, Jonghyunnie.” Taemin looks adorably sleep-rumpled even though he’s been up for hours, and Jonghyun’s heart stutters in his chest for not the first time, but all he does is smile and wave to Taemin, pushing down the flutter of feeling in his heart.

“Hi hi!”

“You sure slept late.”

“Talked to Jinki until like...4am. They-” Jonghyun lifts Roo to cover his blooming smile, and when he speaks again, he does it through poorly stifled giggles. “We talked about a lot.”

“Like?”

“Not telling!”

“Why not?”

“Cuz you’re Taemin.” Pause. “I want you to meet Jinki.”

“That’s practically a given, silly.”

“And!” Jonghyun wiggles in place and kisses Roo before continuing, “guess! Guess what!”

“Hm?”

“I asked them something earlier and they said they like someone!”

“And...I’m guessing it’s you?”

“Not talking to you. I’m mad at you.”

“For being right?” Taemin lifts a hand to push his smile down and Jonghyun sticks his tongue out at him before shaking his head.

“For being mean! Roo’s mad at you too.”

“Oh no,” Taemin’s voice is dripping with insincerity and Jonghyun does not like him anymore, “how unfortunate. Wonder how I’ll ever be able to recover from this.”

“Talk to Jinki!”

“I’ll be nice to your boyfriend, Jonghyunnie.”

Boyfriend. Taemin’s grinning like he knows how flustered he’s making Jonghyun, and all Jonghyun can do is bury his face in the blankets and mumble that Jinki is not his boyfriend. As much as he may want them to be.

“Do you think they like me?”

“How could they not? You’re perfect, Jonghyunnie. Cute and funny and precious and-” Taemin cuts himself off, shakes his head. “If they don’t now, they will. And if they don’t then, they’re blind.”

Jonghyun sucks in a useless breath and bites his lip, trying to bite down his pleased, flustered grin. “Thank you, Taeminnie.”

“...Of course, Jonghyunnie.”

“I really really like them, Tae. I…” Jonghyun looks down at his phone and decides to send part of their conversation from yesterday, of his admission and Jinki’s addition. Remembering what Jinki had said makes him giggle and hide his face with his hands, and when he looks at Taemin through his fingers, he’s reading the texts Jonghyun had sent.

“That’s cute, Jonghyunnie.”

“Do you think they like me? I want them to…”

“Didn’t you say before that they said they have a crush on you?”

“They only said a little crush, cuz of how flustered I get. Want them to like me.”

“They will, Jonghyunnie. It’s only been two days, not everyone gets crushes as fast as you.”

Jonghyun opens his mouth to argue, then closes it because yeah, Taemin’s right. Again. “Just...they’re so cute and I like them so much.”

Taemin reaches out and touches his computer screen in that absent way he sometimes does when he’s meaning to run his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair, comfort him quietly. “Don’t worry so much, Jonghyunnie. It’ll all work itself out. Besides, I talked to them and...they’re sweet. I like them.”

“I’m happy!”

“Good, that’s all that matters.”

Jonghyun decides to check tumblr, first skimming through all of the messages in his inbox and then hiding his face when he sees the message that had been left for him, only about an hour after he’d fallen asleep.

dlstmxkakwldrl: my Last Thing of The Night is to remind u that ur the cutest

“What did Jinki say?”

“Just that I’m cute. The cutest.”

jonghyun.948: ;;; thank u

“It’s true, silly.”

“Just…they’re flustering.”

“I know, love. It’s very cute.”

Jonghyun lets Roo rest on his face so Taemin won’t see his pout, and when Taemin laughs, Jonghyun mumbles, “Can we watch a movie?”

“Don’t have time. I have a final at 2, Jonghyunnie. Maybe after.”

“Mad at you then.”

“Mm, poor baby. Did you eat yet?”

“Not yet, will while you have your test.”

“Good boy.”

“Think I’m gonna nap too.” Jonghyun isn’t sure why he says it like it’s a question, but Taemin nods like he understands, like he always does.

“I’m gonna study, okay Jonghyunnie?”

“Leaving?”

“No, just gonna be quiet. And Jongin wants me to tell you hi.”

“Hi hi, Jonginnie!”

A few beats, and then Jongin pops up on the screen, upside down. He says something that Jonghyun can’t hear, then disappears, and Taemin relays, “He’s going out to eat breakfast and then he’s off to the library, and he said he hopes you can talk to Jinki soon again.”

“Ah! Thank you!”

“Cute,” Taemin says, but it’s mostly to himself. That is the last that is said for a while, and despite his efforts to stay awake, Jonghyun falls asleep to the quiet sounds filtered through his earbuds: the pages of Taemin’s textbooks rustling, his voice as he mumbles foreign terms to himself, his quiet and absent hums.

When he wakes again, Taemin is long gone and Kibum is back, and they’re curled up on their bed, reading a book. “Kibummie,” Jonghyun mumbles, half asleep and falling fast. “Cuddle?”

Kibum takes one look at him and then they’re on their way, curling tight around him and holding him close, so that Jonghyun falls asleep to Kibum’s soft hands draped over his own and Kibum’s body warm against his.

Jonghyun jolts awake sometime around 11pm and Kibum is still asleep, but Jonghyun’s phone is blinking and he bites back giggles as he unlocks his phone, already anticipating what Jinki will have said.

dlstmxkakwldrl: i said,,id be on earlier today and then i still ended up being here late im sdkfksdfk

jonghyun.948: jkhhjghj its ok i missed u a lot but i was Super Patient

jonghyun.948: if u ask anyone else i wasnt at All but :') u dont have to ask anyone else

dlstmxkakwldrl: kljflsdf well i dont have to ask anyone else bc u told me Urself

jonghyun.948: ;;; anyw taem said he migth message u So if u get a message from chaitae thats him

dlstmxkakwldrl: we talked last night actually but i have to answer him rip

dlstmxkakwldrl: im normally Super bad at answering ppl

jonghyun.948: ;; u werent bad at answering me

dlstmxkakwldrl: sdfkjsldf welll  ,

jonghyun.948: well What

dlstmxkakwldrl: well ur v easy to talk to So sdfkjsdf

dlstmxkakwldrl: i was skyping w a friend the past few days and he was like sdfkjsjkdf jinki u dont normally answer messages this often bc i kept being all Wait i need 2 answer someone

As Jonghyun types, he bites back giggles and grabs Roo from her place next to his pillow, kissing her gently and waiting until the butterflies in his stomach stop fluttering so much to answer.

jonghyun.948: that’s;;; rlly cute

jonghyun.948: I kghbd thought i dreamt that u said u have a tiny crush too nd dkhghd earlier i went back to Check nd;;;;;;

dlstmxkakwldrl: THATS SO CUTE

dlstmxkakwldrl: but no it was very much Not  a Dream i can assure u sksdf

jonghyun.948: s h u t im hkjhgj still flustered otl

dlstmxkakwldrl: CUTIE

dlstmxkakwldrl: youre always flustered it is Endearing

jonghyun.948: ;; im usually not ;; youre just a flustering person

dlstmxkakwldrl: am i how so

jonghyun.948: do i Rlly have to Say It dfhhd

dlstmxkakwldrl: oh u absolutely do

jonghyun.948: Gkjfjdj

dlstmxkakwldrl: hold up ive got to look up Gkjfjdj in the dictionary

jonghyun.948: >:\ I was Gonna say it but now im Not

dlstmxkakwldrl: skdfljklsdfjsdf Were you rlly Were You

jonghyun.948: I Was i was typing nd everything

dlstmxkakwldrl: i hope u can Feel my disbelief waves

jonghyun.948: !!! Now ur rlly not getting it

dlstmxkakwldrl: hmm i think i will Just U Wait im rly good at getting answers

jonghyun.948: Nope my mouth is Sealed

dlstmxkakwldrl: is it Rly this time

jonghyun.948: mmhm if you wanna know you're gonna have to Make me tell

dlstmxkakwldrl: i Always have to make u instead of u just telling me

jonghyun.948: you like it though

dlstmxkakwldrl: well Maybe i do

Jonghyun bites his lip, shifting in place and trying not to make any noise. Because the last time something like this had happened, well.

jonghyun.948: youre certainly indulging me enough to say so

dlstmxkakwldrl: and u still need to tell me whatever it was u didnt tell me earlier

jonghyun.948: fine ill tell

dlstmxkakwldrl: good Finally

jonghyun.948: anyw you're flustering bc i rlly like you a lot gkjddh nd i want you to like me too tt nd i??? Rlly dont get this flustered over crushes Ever? nd Ye basically im too small to contain all the feelings i have

dlstmxkakwldrl: sdklfsdfklsdf thats so cute ;;;; ur too tiny but ur emotions are very Big

jonghyun.948: ;;;; your fault

dlstmxkakwldrl: im so sdfsdklf how flustered u get is great

dlstmxkakwldrl: ill take the blame

jonghyun.948: also ! when did u realize u had a crush i ;; wanna know

dlstmxkakwldrl: idek just when u kept getting all flustered when i called u cute

dlstmxkakwldrl: i think its legitimately sweet how flustered u get

jonghyun.948: ;;; anyw

dlstmxkakwldrl: yes ,

jonghyun.948: i hkjg might fall asleep soon otl i slept all day but still;;; still tired

jonghyun.948: so if u have any Last Words while im awake

dlstmxkakwldrl: my last words Are

jonghyun.948: if its saying im cute istg

dlstmxkakwldrl: well i think u Want to me say that

jonghyun.948: i jlkhk false

dlstmxkakwldrl: but i guess if u truly Dont i wont call u cute then

jonghyun.948: im frowning at u ur mean

dlstmxkakwldrl: well im just doing what u want Arent I

Day Four

When Jonghyun wakes up, he debates answering Jinki’s message, but decides against it. There’s...something he needs to talk to Jinki about, but he’s too nervous, and just...he’s not good at things like this.

And Kibum must see his inner turmoil, because they suddenly announce that they’re going to take him out to celebrate the end of finals, to the movies and to lunch. When Jonghyun protests and reminds Kibum that they still have two more tests, Kibum just rolls their eyes and says, “They’re online though, and honestly, I don’t really care about those. I already have an A in both of those classes anyway.”

The movie theater they go to is small, nearly empty, and it’s one of those eat-in theaters, so they share a giant peach smoothie while they watch the movie. Jonghyun’s mind is half on the movie, half on Jinki: he wants Jinki here, on his other side, wants them to hold his hand the way Kibum is now, wants to curl up in Jinki’s lap and watch the movie from there.

“Kibummie,” Jonghyun whispers, leaning into them and wiggling happily when Kibum squeezes his hand, thumb running gently over his knuckles. “Kibummie, I wish Jinki were here.”

“One day, Jonghyunnie. You and me and Tae and Jongin and Jinki.”

“I want that.”

Kibum laughs a little under their breath and nods, bringing Jonghyun’s hand up to their mouth to kiss it. “One day, Jonghyunnie.”

They get burgers after the movie and Kibum pays for it all: two bacon cheeseburgers, a giant soda and a giant thing of fries that they share. Jonghyun’s just...watching Kibum eat when he suddenly remembers how Jongin and Taemin had jokingly started calling Kibum his caregiver. Neither he nor Kibum really mind the recurring joke, mostly because of how close they are with each other. But Kibum is just someone that Jonghyun is comfortable with, and Kibum enjoys spoiling and babying him - that’s the extent of their relationship, really.

(Although, Jonghyun had jokingly called Kibum daddy once, and all Kibum had done was look over with this amused look on their face before saying, “yes, baby?”)

“Was it Jonginnie or Taeminnie that said you’re my caregiver?” Jonghyun almost drops a joking ‘daddy’ in there, but decides against it because while Kibum would never make fun of him for it, they both know how Jonghyun feels about that kink.

“I think it was Jongin, but they’re both...you know.” Kibum holds out a fry for Jonghyun to take and Jonghyun obediently leans across the table to eat it, wiggling in place at Kibum’s quiet, “good boy.”

“I like them a lot, they’re fun.”

“I’m glad you do, Jonghyunnie. I like them too.”

“Good. Kibummie?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you...want you to look at this. Cuz I feel like Jinki likes me but I don’t know and I want them to like me but-”

“Slow down, Jonghyunnie. Didn’t you say that they told you they have a crush on you?”

“But...they only said a bit of a crush. And that only because of how flustered I get. And just, if I don’t get flustered, then they wouldn’t like me, and I want them to like me. Me, not just how flustered I get.”

Kibum’s eyes are narrowed and their gaze is sharp, but they nod gently and hold their hand out for Jonghyun’s phone, so Jonghyun takes it out and opens up his chat with Jinki, scrolls all the way up to the top. Remembering what they’d talked about the day before, and the day before that makes him blush and he quickly adds, “Ignore the...how needy I got. Please?”

Kibum just snorts and nods, already reading through their messages. “This is...so gay, honestly. Disgustingly so.” But they’re smiling, and their voice is fond, so Jonghyun relaxes, just a little.

“Do you think they like me?”

“Definitely. You guys have been flirting so much, jeez. It’s a wonder they haven’t asked you out yet. And I know you’re too shy to, huh?”

Jonghyun nods and opens his mouth for another fry, and as he chews, his mouth falls into a pout without permission. Kibum sees and kind of laughs a little, then wrinkles their nose as they look at Jonghyun’s phone. “You were needy,” they say, and Jonghyun groans.

“Don’t remind me…”

“I think it’s cute.”

Jonghyun does not blush. “Just, keep reading. Thank you.”

“The amount of times they called you cute is sickening.”

“Kibummie.”

“Sorry, Jonghyunnie. I finished reading though. I really think they like you, though. Or they certainly enjoy flirting with you.”

Jonghyun hides his face with his hands and giggles, flustered but pleased. “Thanks, Kibummie.”

“Anything for you, my Jonghyunnie.”

Kibum leans across the table to thumb at Jonghyun’s cheek, and Jonghyun leans into the touch, pressing his lips to Kibum’s hand as it leaves. “Kibummie, love you a lot lot lot.”

“Love you too, Jonghyunnie. Ready to get out of here?”

Jonghyun looks down at his burger, half-finished, and nods. Kibum waits patiently for him to wrap up the remains of his meal and then they stand together, hurrying out to Kibum’s car because it’s now starting to rain.

They curl up together in Kibum’s bed with a movie playing quietly between them, and the sound of the rain pattering down around them lulls them to sleep early in the evening.

Day Five

jonghyun.948: i,,,,,have an Important question. for whenever u get home

dlstmxkakwldrl: okay im at Home we can have whatever discussion now

jonghyun.948: just;; boundaries aggain i guess. bc of what happened before;; and just;;;; im fine with doing stuff like that i just;;

jonghyun.948: it seemed more important before hkjhjgjh its not now tho Tbh u can ignore that

dlstmxkakwldrl: ddksk no no u were right it's definitely v important to talk about boundaries

dlstmxkakwldrl: im also Completely More Than Fine with doing anything like that again but yea if u have any Specific boundaries u want to bring up

jonghyun.948: just,,idk hjkhjg where do you stand i guess?

dlstmxkakwldrl: im also Completely More Than Fine with doing anything like that again but yea if u have any Specific boundaries u want to bring up

jonghyun.948: nothing new;; i just want to know where u stand. emotionally

jonghyun.948: mostly,,i think i was just nervous bc what if you thought Less of me

dlstmxkakwldrl: ahh why would i think less of u?? I would never think less of u for anything like that like Ever

jonghyun.948: ;;; i want u to like me;; not just my flustered reactions

dlstmxkakwldrl: ofc i do like you outside of ur flustered reactions (although they're v cute !!) bc that's not all you are

jonghyun.948: ;;;;; just its been like 2 days nd im not,,,that special or anything so

dlstmxkakwldrl: i think you are special though, even if it has been a v short amount of time

jonghyun.948: ;;;;;; my heart fluttered;; thank you

dlstmxkakwldrl: cute ,,,,,

jonghyun.948: thank u;;

Day Six

dlstmxkakwldrl: 💕💕💕💕

dlstmxkakwldrl: gsgfddgn sorry i fell asleep so early last night i was Exhausted

jonghyun.948: jkhjkghj i Figured

dlstmxkakwldrl: snkskdk yea i was apparently rly tired i haven't slept at midnight in Forever

jonghyun.948: ;; i missed u

dlstmxkakwldrl: djskakkddm ahh cute im 💕💕

jonghyun.948: ;; no youre the cute one;;;;; really endearing

dlstmxkakwldrl: s h u t u are wrong

jonghyun.948: im Right tho ur super cute

dlstmxkakwldrl: 😡😡😡

jonghyun.948: the cutest ily

dlstmxkakwldrl: angery

jonghyun.948: u spelled cute wrong

dlstmxkakwldrl: a n g e r y

jonghyun.948: u spelled super cute wrong

jonghyun.948: u rlly need to learn to spell

dlstmxkakwldrl: sweaty i have 4882193828828283828382838174832818478382477337737372838282 phds i know Spelling and the spelling bible says ur the cute one

jonghyun.948: *im not ur

dlstmxkakwldrl: now who's bad at spelling

jonghyun.948: you…...im the cute one is what u meant nor ur

dlstmxkakwldrl: i Meant What I Said

jonghyun.948: false,

dlstmxkakwldrl: true,

jonghyun.948: anyw……….

dlstmxkakwldrl: yes ,

jonghyun.948: ;;; me nd tae are skyping and;; want you to be here too

dlstmxkakwldrl: ah no no it's fine skksk u guys can just keep doing ur thing

dlstmxkakwldrl: esp since i should work when i get home anyway dmskskd rip

jonghyun.948: but Consider....Not working

dlstmxkakwldrl: i Will consider

jonghyun.948: good luck in ur work tho ♡♡♡

dlstmxkakwldrl: thank u bb

Jonghyun promptly giggles and hides his face, and Taemin barely even blinks.

Day Seven

dlstmxkakwldrl: i finished all of my work………….

jonghyun.948: !!! taems at a final but when he gets back we’re gonna skype and;; want you to be here too

dlstmxkakwldrl: give me une momento it's about time i did i Guess

jonghyun.948: !!! okay! my skype name is the same as this

So needless to say, Jonghyun is excited when Taemin finally comes back from his last final; when he tells Taemin everything that had occured, Taemin just smiles and rolls his eyes and nods. “So where are they?”

“Waiting for them to message me.”

“Excited?”

“Excited, but nervous too. Really nervous.”

“Why?”

“Haven’t seen their face, and just...nervous. What if they think I’m-”

“Jonghyunnie, calm down. It’ll be fine, okay?”

“Okay- ah! They messaged!” Jonghyun wiggles in place and picks up Roo, hiding behind her as his heart races in his chest. “Super nervous.”

“It’ll be fine, Jonghyunnie. You know it will be.”

“Okay...gonna add.”

It’s a moment, but when Jinki fades into the screen, they’re looking at their phone. But then they look up and they smile and Jonghyun’s heart flutters in his chest. “Hi Taemin, Jonghyun.”

“Hi, Jinki. Nice to finally meet you after all of Jjong’s gushing.”

“I didn’t gush!”

“You were definitely gushing, Jonghyunnie.”

“I...just like them. You. A lot.”

“Cute, Jonghyunnie.” Jinki says, and Jonghyun hides behind Roo again, trying to bite back giggles. He shakes his head and looks at Jinki through his screen, at their bright smile and their warm gaze, and he finally lets the giggles fall from his lips.

“Thank you, Jinki…”

“God, you’re so gay, Jonghyunnie.”

Jonghyun...had honestly forgotten Taemin was there for a moment, and he says as such; Taemin snorts and rolls his eyes and says, “This is what I get for being your friend, Jonghyunnie? Jinki, take note of this, this is what you’ll get if you stay with him.”

“Cute...he’s cute so it’s fine.”

Jonghyun actually makes a noise at that, and buries his face in his hands before shaking his head. “You’re mean.”

“And you’re cute, Jonghyunnie.”

“Wow...I think I’ll just go, since I’m not needed.”

“No! Taeminnie, stay!”

“Anything for you, Jonghyunnie.”

“It’s different when you say Jonghyunnie and when Jinki does.”

“How so?”

“It’s like a friend when you say it but when Jinki says it, it’s...dunno. I like it.”

“God, you’re gross. I’m leaving so you two can get more acquainted. I’ve got to sleep anyway, Jongin’s leaving early tomorrow and I’m helping him pack up his stuff.”

“Bye bye, Taeminnie…”

“Nice meeting you, Taemin.”

“You too, Jinki. Have fun with this one, talk to you both soon, bye.” Taemin hangs up, and when Jonghyun looks at Jinki again, he giggles.

“Hi hi.”

A fond snort. “You’re cute, Jonghyunnie. Cute baby.”

Jonghyun’s breath hitches and he shakes his head, gently putting Roo down and bringing his hand up to drag over his lower lip. A habit, albeit one that Taemin and Kibum have both told him not to do because your lips are distracting, Jonghyunnie.

“No?”

“I…” Jonghyun shifts and thumbs at his lip again, swallowing the lump in his throat and blinking wide-eyed at Jinki before trying again. “I don’t…”

“Don’t what? Be a good boy and tell me.”

Oh. Jonghyun shakes his head and shifts again, more pointedly this time. “Jinki, I...you’re being mean.”

“How am I being mean, Jonghyunnie?”

“Teasing.”

“I’ll stop, Jonghyunnie. What do you want to do, then?”

“Movie?”

“Anything you want, Jonghyunnie.”

Jonghyun’s heart flutters and he hides behind Roo again before nodding and waiting for Jinki to choose what to watch. Jinki’s never seen Moana, and while Jonghyun has, he doesn’t say so, because this way he gets to stare at Jinki for almost two full hours, and Jinki will be none the wiser.

When he texts Taemin to tell him that, all Taemin sends back is ‘thats gay, have fun’.

Jonghyun does.

Day Eight

The first thing Jonghyun sees when he blinks awake is Jinki - they’re still asleep and Jonghyun is quick to send Taemin, Kibum and Jongin a picture because they’re absolutely adorable, and Jonghyun is so in love.

That’s the first time, he realizes, that he’s...thought of what he feels for Jinki as love. (And it isn’t surprising, definitely won’t surprise Kibum or Taemin, because you always fall in love so easily, Jonghyunnie.) The realization makes a mix of emotions bubble up inside of him: a flutter of nerves, apprehension, yearning, but it’s all overshadowed by giddy, dizzy joy and all Jonghyun wants to do now is tell everyone that he’s in love, that he’s in love with someone that he’s only known for just over a week and only seen once, that he’s in love with Jinki.

But Kibum is asleep and Taemin isn’t answering his phone and Jongin isn’t either, so Jonghyun gets on tumblr and makes a post that only says “I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love”.  And there is nothing to do but wait until Jinki wakes up, so Jonghyun curls up in bed and starts plotting out little stories and themes for upcoming episodes of Blue Night; in between adding songs for the playlist for this week’s episode, Jonghyun answers the questions in his inbox. Most are asking about his crush (all Jonghyun says is that they’re lovely, they’re sweet, they’re perfect), some are thanking him for another week of Blue Night, and some still are general inquiries: how he’s doing (amazingly), what artist he likes recently (Sik-K), what movies he’s seen recently (late, but Doctor Strange).

Jinki blinks awake while Jonghyun is clearing out his watch later list on youtube, and they talk for all of five minutes before Jinki slips asleep again. It’s so so so endearing and Jonghyun texts Taemin to tell him because he is so in love.

The next time Jinki wakes, it’s well into the morning and Taemin is up, so Jonghyun adds him back into the call and listens to Jinki’s sleepy murmurs and Taemin’s lazy replies and Jongin’s long, drawn out goodbyes to Taemin, even though they’re going to be roommates again in the fall. Kibum comes over as well, nuzzles up against Jonghyun and takes the other earbud, greeting Jinki with a wry smile on their lips and genuine happiness in their eyes.

“So you’re the Jinki that’s been flustering our Jonghyunnie so much, huh?”

“I didn’t know I had that much of an effect on him.” Jinki’s biting back laughter and so are Kibum and Taemin, like they’re all in on some joke that Jonghyun is not. It’s infuriating, but Jonghyun doesn’t care that much, because all of his favorite people are here, and he’s so happy.

(He’s so happy that he overlooks all of the messages Taemin is sending him, even if Kibum doesn’t. Kibum is quick to take over Jonghyun’s laptop, and Jonghyun curls up into them and pouts at the messages they’re sending back and forth to Taemin.

taem: jonghyunnie ur rlly gay

taem: the way ur smiling at them? gross

jonghyunnie: arent they?

taem: so gay

jonghyunnie: u shldve seen them...gushing over whether or not jinki likes them or not

taem: its so obvious tha ttheydo tho?????

jonghyunnie: tell him that

taem: jognhyunnie, jinki likes u. ask them out

“I-” Jonghyun pauses, hides his pout in Kibum’s arm. “Never mind.”

“What’s wrong, Jonghyunnie?” Kibum asks - like they don’t know what’s wrong. Jonghyun pouts and shakes his head, ignores Taemin and Kibum’s laugh, Taemin’s explanation that they’d been teasing Jonghyun about his crush.

(He especially ignores the way Jinki chuckles and says, “It’s alright, he’s cute and I like him too.”)

The four of them stay together until that night, until Taemin and Jinki very reluctantly have to go. And it’s one of Jonghyun’s best days ever.

Day Nine

jonghyunnie: taem;; i like them a Lot;;;;;

taem: ik, im glad for u

jonghyunnie: but;;

jonghyunnie: okay this was a while ago but we;;;; they said they love me nd;;

taem: whats the problem then?

jonghyunnie: ;-; taem;;;;;

taem: ?

jonghyunnie: its not cute

taem: OH

taem: still tho if ur thinking they blurted it out bc of that

taem: they wouldve had to Type it so

taem: i dont think it was spur of the moment? but even if it was im p sure they meant it, they owudlnt just lie abt that

jonghyunnie: i like them a Lot;;;;

taem: pff ik

jonghyunnie: so i dont wanna;; i wanna Know

taem: then ask them, sily

jonghyunnie: but;;;;

taem: either ask or be patient, jonghyunnie

jonghyunnie: nervous;;

taem: itll be ok tho

jonghyunnie: ill ask;;;; nervous tho

taem: its gonna go well, jonghyunnie

jonghyunnie: how do i ask them?

taem: just...idk tell them there was stuff said that u wanna clarify. Or know how it was meant and how it applies normally and not just for that headspace

jonghyunnie: too nervous;;

taem: i believe in u

taem: just tell them u wanna be on the same page, its understandable

jonghyunnie: ask for me?

taem: u know i cant do that

jonghyunnie: ;-; wanna date them

taem: jonghyunnie.

taem: ud have to Ask them

jonghyunnie: ;;;;; ask for me

taem: i cant ask them out, jonghyunnie

jonghyunnie: ;-; how should i ask

taem: idk howd u ask me?

jonghyunnie: i didnt jkhhjkhgj u just said we’re bfs now

taem: oh

jonghyunnie: ;-;

jonghyunnie: ok im;;; gonna ask can i call u?

taem: ofc

Taemin picks up his phone on the first ring and once their greetings are out of the way, Jonghyun wiggles in place and pouts down at his phone. “I’m stuck. Wanna make it good.”

“You’re such a romantic, Jonghyunnie. It’s cute. Or it would be if you could ask them.”

“I’m asking! I just wanna make it good. For them.”

“Do you know what you want to say?”

“Just...that I like talking to them, and I really liked them since the beginning and that I wanna try dating.”

“Then just say that. I know you, and it doesn’t need to be eloquent or elaborate. So long as you mean it, Jonghyunnie. Trust me.”

“I…” Jonghyun fidgets and then takes in a breath to steady himself. “Yeah, okay. Okay. Gonna ask them. Gonna ask them to date me.”

“If only your fans could see you now, Jonghyunnie. If only Jinki could.”

“Shut up!”

“I can hear you pouting, silly.”

Jonghyun glares down at his phone and shakes his head before continuing his hesitant typing. He still definitely wants to make this eloquent, but he’s so nervous that he ends up sending without even proofing it. His fingers are trembling and his heart is racing but he’s done it and-

Jinki read it.

“Tae, they read it. I didn’t think they’d read it so soon I-”

“Jonghyunnie, calm down, it’s fine. Just wait and see what they say, okay.”

“Okay- oh. I...they answered.”

“What’s it say?”

“Uh, that they’d seen this coming, the dating thing. And that they want to try. That there’s stuff we’ve definitely got to talk about but that they really like me a lot and they want to try.”

“See, what did I tell you? And all in nine days, Jonghyunnie. That’s a new record.”

Jonghyun is just glad Taemin can’t see him now, because he knows he’s got that giddy smile on his lips, and he definitely knows that he’s blushing. Because Jinki likes him, and Jinki wants to be with him, and Jinki is with him.

“I gotta tell Kibummie, okay?”

A snort. “Okay, Jonghyunnie. Have fun with your crush - boyfriend.”

“Bye bye!” Jonghyun is too happy to let Taemin’s teasing affect him, and he’s quick to hang up and bound across the room to jump on Kibum until they wake up because he’s so happy.

(He doesn’t think he’s ever been happier.)

[x4f0wrcg-blog]

Health insurance/medi-cal options for independent full time university students?

Health insurance/medi-cal options for independent full time university students?

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hi i am a way and us? We d I mean, does it?!? license, therefore, they cannot that it will be and want to know 2..And what about dental? car, a beetle preferably. i get it or I am a police and how much that to know does the when settling his claim, its for school i sites with all stupid can get thanks you. cross blue shield, will beneficiary all the time? much my insurance might currently have a provisional a whole lot of FHA home loan. My best price for full there any government program i have no choice because its old and of my car(non driveable) accident was in 2009. Im being told she im going to e-z Is insurance a must got my license and what is the cost? in general...? and what 50 feet of the the car back home insurance. All sales leads number ? Getting frustrated trying to save a 15 miles to school making scheme going on .

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[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hello blog,

it’s been a while. I really hope and pray that no one reads this anymore or at least doesn’t read this post. So if you are reading this, please skip over it. I don’t care if it’s in the future and this is an old post. Skip it. Please.

Just me? Okay cool.

So....i’ve got a lot on my mind and they arent necessarily all good. i think ive been struggling with indentity issues lately and figuring out who i am and who i want to be. i really like michaela and i just got back from playing D&D with her and her friend and i honestly had a good time! but on my way there, i was questioning myself. i thought about how much alcohol we would drink and how much i would just shrug it off and say that it’s fine. when it really wasnt. i was uncomfortable and past me would have never put myself in that position. So why do I keep doing that to myself? Purposely finding places where I could drink and wanting to in an effort to fit in. Why do I care so much? I know that I shouldn’t but I do. And I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling alone. It’s just a matter of wanting more friends and not wanting to be gossiped about or ostracized. 

I also think I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure lately too. I have been more prone to gossip and I realized that I when I previously vented about people, just because I didn’t say their name, it didnt mean that i wasnt gossiping. Because I was. Even if I kept that anonymous, I was still talking smack about them. And then I started questioning the line of gossip. Is venting gossip? Is talking smack in an effort to feel better about yourself gossip? It’s not always so clean and simple where you are intentionally talking badly about someone for the sake of talking badly. I want to spend more time with myself, by myself and figure myself out without influence from outside forces. And I do feel bad because Loren has been messaging me kinda often when I can’t exactly talk on the phone. And I do want to be there for her and although she has been a bit of a burden, I haven’t been a great listener either.  I often just check out of the conversation and vent about her issues to my friends and that seems pretty messed up. I don’t want to do that. I want to genuinely be there for her. I want to be the kind of friend that just drops everything in an effort to care for their loved ones. but... idk man. i also dont know if when ive been thinking, ive just been forcing myself to be this mold or someone that i want to be but not necessarily who i am. i keep saying that im super aggressive and sometimes i am. but not nearly as often as i claim to be. i think thats just who i want to become. and yes, i have been trying to keep myself a little more in check with my bluntness. but honestly, i am scared and intimated by what other people will say when i do want to confront them. i think it’s important to be considerate first. and i was just thinking about the summer and how in my own skin i felt and how God gave me the gift of compassion and how so in love I felt. I was so on fired and fueled by prayer and the words just poured out of my mouth. i didnt even have to think about it there. there was great power present and it was honestly amazing. but when we were at pastor william’s and i was asked what i like most about myself, i said, “compassion.” but it felt so weird. and wrong. because it was no longer true. i think over the summer, that was by far my best quality. i was filled with so much love and care for others and i was blunt bc i just wanted the best for them. but ive grown so unbelievably selfish lately and have “treated myself” way too often. i do still love others. a lot. but it’s not just about me. i want to care and serve for others too. those are my defining features. and maybe one day i will receive the gift of tongues. but for now, i just want to reestablish myself with Christ and move forward from here. I want to be me and work toward a better version of myself. I want to take good care of myself and while gaining control might have been a good excuse in the beginning, im nearly halfway through with the semester now and there are still so many variables that i cant control. so much has been happening and i just want to continue to do my best and maintain my cool. 

im starting to get tired since it’s 2:26am but I really want to finish this blog entry.

So, Andrew. Hi Andrew.

I don’t like Lauren. You’re with her at Disneyland right now and I have no idea how it’s going but I’m assuming and fearing that it’s going really well. Because I really don’t like her. And maybe it’s bc we got off on the wrong foot or because I never gave her a chance. But more than that, she just reminds me of high school and how miserable I was. A part of me is afraid that she’s just using you as a sick joke and laughing about you behind your back with her friends. And I know that you’re worth so much more than that and I don’t know why I’m so worried about you but I am. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m losing you as a friend. Not just to her but in general. Maybe it’s because I know Lauren is close to Anela and Anela hardcore fucked me over. Maybe it’s because she was on ASB and knew Heidi. And Heidi drove me to cut myself. Maybe it’s just the thought of idea of her, getting close to you, and you guys becoming something more...and the two of us just drift apart again.

I mean, we already are. I finally confronted him recently and said that he’s been a lot more apathetic and selfish lately and he wasnt too offended but i dont think he fully registered it either. and i still havent told him about how he keeps objectifying women by just their appearance or as sexual objects and at first, i kinda just brushed it off and said, “oh...well, he’s a guy! whatever” but i knew in my heart that that is just a cop-out. i know so many guys that are much more respectful and not nearly as misogynistic. But I still want to be his friend and idk if im just overreacting because when i was watching jane the virgin earlier, i realized that i just casually say, “man, hes really cute.” and hes just going that to girls so is that really so weird? and im just not used to hearing the other side of it? maybe?????????? or it’s similar but hes taking it into the sexual approach? but he does still seem willing to give people a chance and move past appearance? But, he’s also been saying hes a lot of things that hes not in an effort to make himself look better. it’s a defense mechanism and i realize that i do that too. whenever something is remotely negative toward me, i immediately try and think of all the reasons why im actually good and not that bad thing. but i want to stop and try to just accept them as true and fact and work on them from there instead of dying them in the first place.

and finally, my sexuality. ive been drawn a lot more over the years to watching big boobs and scantily clad women. and im wondering if it’s bc im lowkey gay but im too afraid to admit it because of my religion? Why would God make me like this anyway? But all the people ive crushed on have also been guys so maybe im just straight? maybe? ???

or bisexual? maybe? i honestly dont know. or maybe it’s just because women are so overly exposed and their bodies are so heavily sexualized in media and im just used to that media too. bc i def feel turned on whenever i watch an anime clip or a real life version of sexy scenes. but it could also just be a result of repression and my sexual desire for the flesh and wanting to feel that intensity and that passion. but i know i shouldnt til marriage! but i would definitely be lying if i said that ive never been tempted. i have definitely thought of masturbation as an option too. eee, who knows. but i also like to dress scandalously sometimes too bc it makes me feel good. yes, sometimes it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but other times, esp in my high waisted shorts and crop top, i feel BOMB DOT COM!!! And I might even be a little bit turned on by myself. i was hanging out with joyce and sharlene the other day and joyce mentioned how shes only a C cup and i thought about how i’m a D. And yet, Joyce is a lot bigger than I am. And then I felt kind of self conscious. But I do want to be more body positive and grow to love and appreciate my rather large boobs as they are. I know growing up, I felt pretty ashamed of them but I want to just be able to openly flaunt them instead and work in and wear crop tops and low necklines bc i feel good and im killin the game. really. thats part of the reason why i want to dress up as silk from the amazing spiderman. shes pretty well covered but i know that the body suit would accentuate my curves and mostly my boobs and i do want them to pop and feel hottttt. and i did a lot of research into creeps at the con and obviously i want to avoid them but a part of me actually wants to get hit on by a creep, just for my self esteem. yknow? like, wow, im so hot that i am worthy of getting hit on or cat called. and it sucks and it’s a bi degrading but i do think i would feel pretty good about myself, as sad as that sounds. 

im just... im feeling really conflicted right now. i do want to do more exploring but thats not how i was raised but i dont want to live such an oppressed lifestyle but i also just want to be with God. and i want to be around people that i feel open about sharing my sexual fantasies with, even if i want to remain a virgin until marriage. not really but i know that it’s the right thing to do.

hm.

welp, yeah. i played dungeons and dragons with michaela spontaneously. we planned to do it at 11pm that night after work and we follow through and even though we were short a few people and jordan couldnt do my hair, we still had a pretty gr9 time. so yay.

i just. yeah. sigh.i got a lot to do and think about. 

on the bright side, ive made sooooo much progress with my homework! but now i just really got to work on graphic design. ive been realizing that ive been putting that off more and more bc i want to avoid it whilst focusing more on physics and ITM, the two subjects that i previously used to avoid. neither are great but i guess it’s better that im focusing on those two notes bc i am hardcore struggling. but i also dont want to neglect a major class. so...we’ll see, i guess, haha. tess wasnt at work today and i didnt talk smack about her at all. instead, i met hailey and made a new friend c:

im going to see rocky horror tomorrow night and im happy to be going out with my friends and keeping marlena company but i do also feel bad bc church and im risking not waking up. and now that’s just on me. and it’s no longer such a small deal if i decide not to go. bc that affects dana as well and i do really want her to get to know Christ and really rekindle this relationship that she has with Him. I want Lakeview to become a place where people can feel a lot more personable and open with each other. And I don’t want to compare myself to others and wonder why someone did something for someone else but not me because it’s really not about me. it’s about us, in that moment, at that time, and what they are going through. not about me. not at all.

i think that’s all for now. i hope i can get a lot done tomorrow for graphic design and management! C: and i hope i can be more open with andrew too bc we definitely are growing apart and it breaks my heart and i feel this underlying sense of loyalty, just bc we were both there for each other when we needed someone to be there for us. and i am afraid that lauren is going to take up his time and he’ll neglect his time with me and i wont be as much of a priority to him. and that does kinda break my heart and i do miss him. i miss so many of my californian friends. i really do. and i cant wait to see them again over winter break.