#ok lmao at me being like sam's life begins at five and a half and me taking five and a half months to answer this

[krikeymate]

I feel like ‘Light’ by sleeping at last perfectly represents the carpenter sisters. It feels like it’s from the perspective of sam, like it just fits so well.

Ok so like. I'm so sorry it took me 5 and a half months to answer this because HOLY SHIT??? You're so fucking right my friend.

May these words be the first / To find your ears / The world is brighter than the sun / Now that you're here / Though your eyes will need some time to adjust / To the overwhelming light surrounding us -> This is just, from the moment Tara is born, Sam is enamoured. Her life begins at five and a half.

I'll give you everything I have / I'll teach you everything I know / I promise I'll do better / I will always hold you close -> The past...

But I will learn to let you go / I promise I'll do better / I will soften every edge / I'll hold the world to its best / And I'll do better / With every heartbeat I have left / I will defend your every breath / And I'll do better -> Meets the future. Sam has made mistakes, she's broken promises she made - to herself, to her sister, to the world. But she'll do better, she needs to do better.

'Сause you are loved / You are loved more than you know / I hereby pledge all of my days / To prove it so / Though your heart is far too young to realize / The unimaginable light you hold inside -> Tara has no knowledge, no understanding, of just how much power she has over Sam.

This is a love song from Sam to Tara. It was made for this purpose.

[cherryrogers]

Falling For You.

— Chapter 6

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

(Modern High School AU)

Warnings: None.

Synopsis: Unlike most teenagers, you had your life completely mapped out. You’d graduate high school, go off to the university of your dreams, and live the life that your parents always wanted you to. That was always the plan.

Falling for Bucky Barnes, however, was never part of the plan.

Being ‘just friends’ isn’t enough. Becoming anything more is too much. But suppressed feelings can’t stay ignored forever, and you were about to learn that a lot sooner than you thought.

Inspired by the song ‘Fallingforyou’ - The 1975

A/N: ok so i’ve finally took the time to properly start planning chapters ahead of time, so hopefully i can start writing this a bit quicker lmao. i’ve also made a playlist for this fic which i might post soon?? idk,,, anyway, feedback is always appreciated and please enjoy!

Series Masterlist

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With only a handful of weeks left until Winter break, you had decided to buckle down and put all of your efforts back into maintaining your grades.

After the painful conversation with your mom, and knowing that she’d be home in a week, you were determined to make sure the time she’d be back for wasn’t going to be a nightmare, and that’d definitely be the case if you didn’t crack open your textbooks and get your head down.

Despite you being the one to force yourself into studying day and night, it still didn’t stop you from groaning internally at the textbooks that you were tugging out of your locker, which most likely wouldn’t even fit in your backpack, meaning you’d have to carry the damn things all the way home. Great.

While you barely held the four thick books in your left arm, you shut your locker with the other, letting out a gasp at the sight of someone leaning against the locker next to you.

“Can’t you just say ‘hi’ like a normal person instead of lurking next to my locker and waiting for me to see you?” You asked, moving the books in your arms so you were hugging them to your stomach.

The boy only chuckled, ignoring your annoyance before eyeing the stack of books in your grasp. “You know, I thought I’d finally gotten through to you on how much time you waste studying, yet here you are with half the damn library in your locker.”

“My mom’s coming back next week, Bucky. Unless I want to face her wrath, I’ve got to get an A in every test we get in class over the next week.”

“So, is that your way of saying that I’m not gonna see you for the next seven days?”

You nodded reluctantly. “I don’t necessarily have a death wish, so yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Mirroring Bucky’s stance, you leaned your side against the lockers, getting a headache just from the thought of opening your front door and seeing your mother staring back at you. As long as you aced all of your tests, it’d be fine, right? She can’t be mad at you for improving, yet she’ll probably find a way to be, considering she loves to be mad at you for everything.

The corner of his mouth curled up. “Well, you’re gonna have to find some free time, sweets. Winter Formal’s comin’ up, and I don’t think they’ll let you in with those jeans that you never take off.”

Shit, he was right. The Winter Formal was happening in three weeks, and if you didn’t dress shop as soon as possible, you’d never have a dress ready for you in time for the dance. Not that you were particularly big on school dances, but it was your senior year, so it was one of the last dances you’d even have in high school. Plus, even if you insisted on not going, Wanda and/or Bucky would most likely pester you into going.

“God, dress shopping is the last thing I wanna think about right now.” You sighed. “I’ll probably have to ask my mom for money to buy it, too. That’ll bring on the ‘you should have a job by now’ lecture, and I swear, Bucky, if I have to hear that damn speech for the hundredth time...”

“I’m sure you’ll work somethin’ out.” He reassured you. “You could always help out at the auto-shop, if you wanted to.”

You could tell he was joking, but the suggestion still made you scoff. “You can see me greasing cars and fixing tyres?”

“I can see you lookin’ cute in a pair of overalls.” The boy winked.

You chuckled, shaking your head while ignoring the flutter of your heart at his stupid way of flirting. “While I appreciate the offer, I think I’ll have to pass. My only plans up until the dance are to memorise every piece of information in these books.”

As you readjusted your grip on the textbooks, Bucky rolled his eyes, like he did every time you talked to him about studying. “Speaking of the dance, you’re gonna need to find a date.”

If he wasn’t right, you would’ve scoffed and told him that you didn’t have to take a date, but considering that Wanda and Vis would be going together, Steve would likely be bringing Peggy, and Sam would probably be able to charm a girl into going with him, everyone would be showing up with a date except you.

“I know, but who would even wanna go with me?” You shrugged.

Bucky wanted to laugh. Sometimes, he wondered if you really were completely obvlivious to his feelings for you. He knew he couldn’t necessarily act out in them - not yet, anyway - but he wasn’t exactly hiding them either.

Him. He would want to go with you. Of course he would, which reminded him...

“I was meant to ask you, actually...” Bucky started, but was soon interrupted by another figure approaching the two of you.

A mess of silver hair caught his eye, and he suppressed the groan he so desperately wanted to let out.

Pietro. Of course, he just had to ruin the moment, didn’t he? Couldn’t the guy have waited just another ten seconds to waltz over and-

“Pietro, hey.” You greeted the boy, who grinned boyishly down at you in response.

“Hey, (Y/N). Bucky.” He nodded towards your friend, who only gave him a half-hearted smile which you didn’t quite catch. He turned back towards you, suddenly looking a little nervous. “Do you mind if we talk for a moment? Just us?”

Furrowing your brows, you hesitantly looked back at Bucky, who let out a quiet chuckle before pushing himself off the lockers. “S’alright. I’ll see you later, (Y/N).”

“But weren’t you gonna ask-”

“It’s not important, honestly.” The brunet quickly shook his head, beginning to walk away from your locker. “I’m heading out now with Steve and Sam, anyway.”

“Oh, you are? Could you ask Sam if he could drop me off at home on the way?” Sam had gotten used to being the designated driver most days, considering his two best friends annoyingly opted for motorcycles rather than cars. “I’ll meet you again in five?”

Bucky nodded, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. “Sure; we’ll just be in the parking lot.”

And with that, he quickly walked away. It was okay, he could just ask you another time, right?

Pietro soon replaced Bucky’s spot against the lockers, the white sleeve of his hoodie being a contrast against the surface in comparison to Bucky’s dark leather one. You were still a little puzzled as to why Pietro couldn’t have said what he wanted to in front of Bucky, but you gave him a kind smile anyway.

“I’m sorry for interrupting.” Pietro apologised, fiddling with his fingers anxiously. “I just didn’t wanna wait any longer to ask you...”

What was with people wanting to ask you questions today? “It’s okay, I’m sure that Bucky didn’t mind. What do you wanna ask me?”

With you looking up at him through your lashes, giving him a sweet smile and slowly tucking some of your hair behind you ear, his cheeks reddened as his gaze lowered, before hesitantly bringing it back up to meet yours. You’d never seen the guy so nervous before.

“Would you... like to be my date to the Winter Formal?”

Well, you didn’t have to look so far to find your date, apparently.

Truthfully, you were sort of hoping that Bucky would’ve asked you. Sure, it wouldn’t have done any good in getting rid of the stupid feelings that you had for him, but he was still your best friend. The both of you went to the junior prom together, and it was one of the best nights you’d ever had with him. Maybe he didn’t ask you this time because his feelings for you had truly disappeared. While the thought saddened you, it was probably for the best. If anything, it would only encourage you to move on from him.

Besides, Pietro was also one of your closest friends. You were surprised that he asked you, considering the amount of girls that you knew would’ve loved to go with him, but maybe he just wanted to be a good friend, which you appreciated.

“That’d be great, Pietro.” You responded, causing the corner of his lips to upturn. “I’d love to be your date.”

The boys eyes lit up. “You would?”

“I would.” You confirmed, pushing yourself from the lockers. “Why do you look so surprised?”

“I-uh... I don’t know.” He shrugged, watching as you began to walk away. “I thought someone else might’ve already asked you.”

You rolled your eyes playfully. “You’re the one that has girls drooling while you run laps on the field; if anyone was already spoken for, I’d guess that it’d be you, Pietro.”

“Well, I guess now I am spoken for.” He began to walk in the opposite direction, sending you a final smile. “With the only girl I was planning on asking.”

Before you could roll your eyes at him again, Pietro had jogged off to go and speak to someone else, allowing you to finally go and meet the boys outside. There was a certain warmth in your chest after that conversation. It felt nice to be asked to the dance, to be someone’s first choice. Even if you originally wanted to be someone else’s date, you were happy that Pietro had taken the liberty of asking you.

Would Bucky really have asked you to go with him? You weren’t sure, especially if he really didn’t like you like that anymore. Even if he wanted to, maybe it didn’t really matter since you already had your date.

As soon as you made your way out to the parking lot, you spotted Sam’s jeep amid the array of coloured cars surrounding it, and you began to pace towards it.

Along with Bucky, you climbed into the backseat and pulled your seatbelt on while you received a ‘hey’ from each of the boys.

“I’m gonna have to start charging for rides at this point.” Sam joked, starting up the car. “Should I print ‘Sam Wilson Taxi Services’ on the side of my car?”

“Hm, I think ‘Wilson’s Rides’ has a better ring to it.” You replied, smirking at the boy’s glare through the rear-view mirror.

“What about ‘Sammy’s Cabs’?” Bucky chimed in, making Steve snort in the front seat.

“I like that one.” The blond nodded towards Sam.

He didn’t seem so impressed. “You’re all so hilarious. I swear, you’re all gonna start paying me five dollars every time I drive your asses somewhere.”

Bucky only chuckled before turning to face you. “Anyway, is everything alright with Pietro?”

While he obviously was curious to know what the boy needed to talk to you about privately, he wasn’t just asking to be nosy - if there was something more serious going on, he just wanted you to know that you could tell him about it.

Nervously, you tapped your fingers against the textbooks resting in your lap. “Yeah, everything’s fine. He actually... asked me to be his date to the Winter Formal.”

You weren’t sure what you thought Bucky’s reaction would be, but when he only plastered on what seemed to be a genuine grin and told you that he was happy for you, you admittedly were a little thrown off.

Sam and Steve shared a puzzled look as they heard their friend’s reaction, knowing that there must’ve been a little more to how Bucky felt that he was letting on.

Perhaps you were right, though. Bucky wasn’t going to ask you to be his date, and that’s why he was so happy that Pietro had asked you instead.

And while it was slightly painful to know that Bucky had no intention of asking you to the dance, at least you now knew what his true feelings about you were.

You were friends. Whatever feelings you had didn’t matter, because he only wanted to be your friend, and maybe that confirmation could encourage you to just move on.

* * *

“Bucky, you are such a dumbass.” Sam shook his head, sliding into the booth next to Steve.

After dropping you off at home, the drive to Carter’s was pretty silent. The two boys in the front seats were waiting impatiently for Bucky to say something, but no words left his mouth for the entire time. If they wanted to get an explanation from him, they were going to have to get it themselves.

Bucky sent a glare in Sam’s direction, picking up a laminated menu from the centre of the table and lifting it to block his face. “I haven’t done anything, Sam.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda the problem.” He retorted, snatching the menu from the brunet’s grasp and placing it back on the table. “I thought you were askin’ (Y/N) to the dance.”

“I never said that.”

Steve sighed. “Buck, you told me this morning that you were gonna ask her today. What happened?”

“Pietro Maximoff. He happened.” The boy huffed, leaning back in his seat. “If I knew that he was gonna ask her then I would’ve done it earlier.”

Bucky was livid, really. Why? Why when he was literally just about to ask you to be his date, Pietro had to swoop in and steal that from him? After he’d asked you to have lunch with him that one time, Bucky had his suspicions that maybe the silver-haired boy was trying to shoot his shot. But Pietro wasn’t him. You would never feel the way about Pietro that you felt about Bucky, right? If you even felt for Bucky at all. Fuck, there he was again - thinking about the perfect world where you’d finally fall into his arms and tell him that you felt the same for him.

Once he’d left your house the other night, after you’d fallen asleep on his shoulder, he’d tucked a blanket over your curled up form and quietly slipped out of the front door, a stupid smile refusing to leave his lips. Hope. The smallest, tiniest amount of hope had filled his heart that you were finally opening your heart to him. Maybe you were finally doing just that.

And maybe Pietro had now completely ruined it.

“Are you sure that’s all you’re pissed off about?” Sam raised a brow. “You’re annoyed at Pietro for askin’ her to be his date?”

“What are you getting at, Sam?” Bucky murmured, wanting to forget everything that’d happened in the twenty minutes prior to this moment.

Sam leaned forward on his elbows. “Let me ask you something; would you even be pissed off if (Y/N) had have said ‘no’ to him?”

The boy opposite him stared at his friend dumbly. “What?”

“I think what Sam’s saying,” Steve took over. “Is that if (Y/N) didn’t say yes to being his date, then you would still have your shot at asking her to be yours-”

“You’re pissed off because she said yes to Maximoff.” Sam intervened, causing the blond next to him to roll his eyes, but nod in agreement anyway.

Bucky sat silently for a couple of moments, biting the inside of his cheek as he thought about what his friends were trying to tell him. They were right; you could’ve said no. If you didn’t like Pietro, if you didn’t want to be his date, you could declined him... but you didn’t. You didn’t wait for Bucky to ask instead.

You didn’t want him to ask you.

Maybe this was your way of hinting to Bucky that you and him were truly only friends. Whether there was something between you and Pietro or not, you’d put the thought in Bucky’s head that there was nothing between him and you. Nothing on your end, anyway.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Bucky spoke up, his jaw tensed involuntarily. “It’s just a stupid dance.”

“Buck...” Steve wasn’t an idiot. He could tell his friend was pretty upset. While he hadn’t directly told him that he was head over heels for you, the blond had a damn good hunch that was the case. The dance would’ve meant a lot to Bucky if he could’ve had you on his arm, walking into the hall together.

Steve was about to try and encourage the frowning boy to keep his hopes up, until another figure hopped into the booth next to Bucky, making all the boys’ heads turn to them.

“God, who died?” The redhead asked sarcastically, earning herself questioning looks from her friends. “You all look miserable, what’s going on?”

The boy next to her shuffled uncomfortably, so she looked to the other two boys in front of her for some sort of explanation.

“Bucky’s sad.” Sam said, causing a loud scoff from Bucky.

“M’not sad.” He shook his head, narrowing his eyes at Sam.

“He can’t find a date for the Winter Formal in a couple of weeks.” Steve affirmed to the girl.

Bucky was about to tell the blond how that just made him sound like a loser, until Natasha spoke up instead. “Aw, Buck. You don’t need a date to have fun.”

It wasn’t just a random date he wanted to take - it was you he wanted as his date.

“At least you’re getting a Winter dance,” She continued. “Shield High thinks that dances are a waste of time. Peggy’s lucky that you’re taking her to the dance at your school, Steve. Maria and I are going dress shopping with her at the weekend.”

At the mention of Maria’s name, Sam’s eyes flicked up to the redhead, a cunning smirk playing on his lips. “Well, the two of you should buy yourselves dresses as well.”

“What?” Natasha raises a curious brow.

Sam shot Bucky a knowing look, ignoring the daggers he was receiving back. “Bucky can take you as his date, and I can take Maria Hill. Works out for everybody.”

Yeah, everyone except for Bucky and his chances at ever getting you to believe you were the one that he wanted. What were you going to think if he showed up with his ex on his arm? Even if you did trust that Natasha was only his friend, it would still look like he asked Natasha to be his date rather than you, which is not at all what he wanted you to think.

It was Natasha’s turn to scoff this time. “You just want an excuse to try and chat up Maria. She’s a smart girl, Sam. Smart enough to not fall for your dumb ass.”

“You gotta admit, Natasha...” Sam shrugged. “Maria and I would make a hot as hell couple.”

The girl only rolled her eyes at him before turning to Bucky. “You don’t have to take me to the dance if you don’t want to, Bucky. I’d understand.”

Well, now he just felt bad. He couldn’t let Maria and Peggy go to the dance and just leave Natasha out in case you got the wrong idea. It could be fun, anyway. Nat and him could go as friends, she could stick around with Steve, Sam and the girls while he managed to steer you away from your date. So what if you weren’t his date? That didn’t mean he couldn’t be the one to make your night special.

“No, I want you to go.” Bucky nodded, a smile forming on his lips, Natasha mirroring his expression. “It’ll be fun, all of us goin’ together.”

“Awesome.” The girl beamed, plucking her buzzing phone from her pocket and chuckling at the name written across the screen. “Your girl’s calling me, Sam. I’ll let her know the good news.”

“You do that, Romanoff.”

As she got up from her seat and left momentarily to answer the phone, Steve immediately aimed a glare at the boy next to him. “Do you really think Buck showing up with his ex-girlfriend as his date to the dance is gonna win (Y/N) over?”

“S’alright, Stevie.” Bucky reassured him, suddenly not feeling so bad about everything that had happened. Sure, he was still frustrated that you couldn’t have simply been his date, but maybe things could still work out for him. “It doesn’t matter who either of us go to the dance with. If... if she likes me like I like her, then I think the night will go just fine.”

“Atta boy.” Sam smirked. “That’s the spirit. Maximoff ain’t gonna know what hit ‘em when you swoop in and steal his date.”

Maybe Sam was being a little dramatic, but his friend appreciated the encouragement. The thought that you had agreed to go to the dance Pietro because you might’ve had feelings for him was still circling Bucky’s mind, but he was trying to push it aside. Ever since the night where he walked you home with your hand in his, things had been different. Good different. He had a feeling that things could get even better than good, if he played his cards right.

He’d always kept them to himself, his feelings for you. When you told him at sixteen that you couldn’t get into a relationship, he completely understood. But holding his feelings back was hard, and if he didn’t try at least one more time to win you over, he’d regret it if you ever found someone else.

The night of the Winter Formal was going to be his night, and he was going to make sure of it.

* * *

[awesome-timtams]

Avengers: Endgame Spoiler Review/Thoughts and shit

(if you want me to add more tags to this, just comment or something and I’ll get on it ASAP)

Alright, so I saw Avengers: Endgame this morning. I guess this is going to be a review of sorts? Mostly just me typing out all my thoughts. So yeah, review, theories (ish?) and other things amongst all that.

 I did this last year for Infinity War and it was a huge mess. I decided to actually properly capitalise my words this time so it’s a bit more readable lmao. I’ve sort of had all day (12 hours) to really think about this so hopefully it’s a bit more coherent than my last year’s mindless rambling? I’m already rambling. Welp ;-;

 MAJOR SPOILERS UNDERNEATH CUT!! DO NOT PRESS READ MORE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ MORE.

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Everybody who doesn’t want spoilers gone? This is your last chance.

  Ok, first things first, the movie is fucking amazing. There were so many instances where I cried, or laughed, or just really wanted to fucking scream because holy hell this movie was really intense. Honestly, I thought the humour managed to flow into the dramatic scenes really well. There was never a moment where I felt like a joke fell flat or came in at an inappropriate time.

 The feels. THE FEELS. The emotions. I can't. I was already sobbing by the time the first 20 minutes were over. A character appears on screen? Tears. Every single time there was a team shot? Tears. Somebody even opens their mouth to say something? Tears. But yeah, this movie made me an emotional wreck and I can't even.

 The movie starting off with Clint, and his family turning into dust? Expected, but still incredibly cruel, and still hurt a lot. Like, damn, I knew Endgame was going to be intense, but being reduced to tears in the first five minutes was incredibly unfair and just goddamned hurtful. Clint's dedication to his family was really sweet and I just garghhhhhhhhhh I loved it.

 So yeah. Character deaths. Natasha dying just about ruined my century, so thanks Marvel. I first started panicking when they said they were gonna get the stones, and Clint and Natasha were heading to Vormir. And then it kinda hit me that one of them was gonna have to sacrifice the other for the stone. And then the whole scene with Clint and Natasha trying to beat each other into throwing themselves off the cliff. Dumbasses. Why couldn't they both just live and nobody has to sacrifice anybody? And now I feel depressed again ;-; . On the other hand, I'm sort of happy that Natasha at least died feeling like she'd made amends for her past (she didn't have to she was already amazing :'(( ). Her character arc finished with her sacrifice and wow that's so depressing ;-;;; At least we get to see her in the Black Widow movie one last time? ;-;

 And Tony. I honestly didn't really think Marvel was going to go through with Tony's death tbh. I think it was probably one of the most depressing scenes I've had to witness with my own two eyes ever, and I definitely wasn't ready for it to happen. I fucking broke when Peter started crying and calling him 'Tony' because like, have we ever seen him refer to Tony as anything other than Mr Stark? I fucking lost it man. And Tony had Pepper, and he was married to her, and they had a little house by the lake, and a daughter (his daughter is so precious omg). And now he's dead and she'll grow up without her father I just fucking arGHHHHHHH. Honestly I just feel really attacked and hurt and this movie has ruined me. At least he got closure with his father. That was kinda a really sweet scene, and I cried at that too. I cried at fucking everything in this movie ;-;

 But yes, depressing scenes aside, can we just. Take a moment to talk about the final battle? Because that scene was absolutely splendid. I loved how every character got a couple seconds to themselves to just have a little hero moment, and how they did the whole girl power thing with the whole squad and they were so badass and I sort of teared up at that part too because they were all so amazing and I just love them so much and the only thing that would've made that scene better would be if Natasha had been with them but she can't because she's fucking dead oh my god.

 But when the portals opened up and all the characters stepped out of them. It looked fucking magical. I swear to God I had So Many Chills. It was just so fucking amazing to watch them all step out as one and yanno…”Avengers, Assemble!”. God bless them all. The audience lost their shit at this bit. Screaming and clapping and it was just absolutely breathtaking to see this scene. Like, there's just this energy, yanno? And the group shots. T’Challa leading his kingdom into the fight. Tony and Pepper’s really cute scene in their armour together. And, can we just take a break to talk about our fucking lord and saviour Steve Rogers? I love that boy so much holy shit. When Thor was about to die, and Mjolnir had flown in and hit Thanos, before flying off to the person who had thrown it. And it’s Steve Fucking Rogers, standing there holding Mjolnir? And he starts walking down the battlefield with his half broken shield in one hand and Mjolnir in the other? That was such a powerful image have I mentioned I fucking love Steve Rogers? But yeah, I love how they carried that on from AoU. But then that sort of begs the question: was Steve really able to lift Mjolnir in AoU but didn’t because he didn’t want to draw more attention to himself, or was he just not able to because he hadn’t reached peak worthiness yet?

 Also, the whole New York scene was just amazing, fucking hilarious and just amazing. Who knew that all we needed to make a sequence great was to have a 100% necessary focus on Steve's ass? Jokes aside, it was really nostalgic seeing the whole 2012 New York battle again. I especially loved how they let us see parts that actually weren't in the movie, like the whole 'Avengers running into Pierce' thing. And how HYDRA got their hands on the sceptre. Seeing Steve do the whole 'Hail Hydra' thing to blend in kinda gave me chills lol. And Steve's fight with 2012!Steve was also really amazingly done and I fucking loved that sequence. The whole "I can do this all da-" "yeah yeAH I kNow I knOOW" was fucking hilarious tbh. (And also: "That is America's ass…")

Also, can I say that Steve was just really done with everything in this movie lmao. He was a solid fucking mood honestly. (”Are you shitting me??” “...he’s a baby.” “-.-”) And then his scene with Bucky at the end oh my goddd. “Don’t do anything stupid.” “How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” And honestly I sort of died right there...It’s also this moment I’m realising Bucky probably knew about Steve’s plans, because otherwise they wouldn’t have said goodbye like that if Steve was only going to be gone for a bit. And Bucky wasn’t panicked at all when Steve missed the jump back. So what, does that mean they planned for Steve to have his dramatic ass entrance back into the present by appearing besides the lake? Kind of a funny image lol. Anyway, I’ll stop talking about Steve lmao.

 Thor was fucking amazing in this movie tbh. His first scene in the future is hilarious, with the whole drunkard attitude and the beer gut and Korg playing fucking Fortnite Jesus Christ. His scene with Frigga in the movie also made me cry so much. It kinda made me realise he never really managed to get a proper goodbye with his mother before she died, yanno? And now he's finally getting it, and he can go on to the future with the knowledge that his mother is proud of him and believes he's a hero and afilajiopklgskl. Also, the pure joy when he finds out he's still worthy of Mjolnir? Such a sweet happy wholesome character despite all the losses he's gone through ;-; . Although, since he has decided to join the Guardians, does that mean he's going to be in Guardians of the Galaxy 3? And we know how there's been talk of a Thor 4 recently, right? It's probably just code for GOTG3 lol.

 And finally, Bruce Banner. It was really funny to see him emerge as a mix of himself and Hulk together, I'm not gonna lie. A lot of people in the audience started laughing when we saw the Hulk emerge in a sweater and jeans or whatever the hell he was wearing. But yeah, Bruce was great. When he volunteered himself to wield the Infinity Gauntlet v2.0? Legendary. But yeah, I honestly don't have much to say about Bruce honestly. Other than the fact that he dabbed at the beginning of the movie. Legendary. And when Scott spilled his tacos so Bruce offered him more with the purest smile on his face? I melted. Legendary.

 Anyway, miscellaneous thoughts time. I'm lowkey sort of kinda disappointed Nebula didn't get to kill Thanos? Like, I feel like, if anybody really deserved to kill that asshole, it was Nebula. She's suffered an entire life of torture and abuse from this dickhead, and has been manipulated by him so many times to do his dirty work. And how she still couldn't stop seeing him as a father figure in the end, despite all the terrible shit he's done to her? Actually, that's probably why she didn't get to kill him lol. And also, Sam Wilson is the new fucking Captain America bitches. I really fucking hoped that, if under any circumstances Steve had to give up his shield, it would go to Sam Wilson, because he fucking deserves it. Of course, I wouldn't have minded it going to Bucky, but my poor baby's already been through enough ;-; . Let him rest ;-; (but then, there's the whole Falcon and Winter Soldier show coming up fuck I'm so excited for it lmao).

 And also, Valkyrie. Is now. The new Queen of Asgard. I can't even. My baby girl deserves fucking everything :') She deserves the title of Queen so much and I'm so glad that's a new development. Hopefully we get to see more of her in the future and how she fares with the title of leader in Asgard :'D

 But yeah, I think that's about it for what I have on characters. So, moving on to theories and sort of plot holes I suppose?

 So, have we had any news on what the Loki show is going to focus on? I haven't really been paying enough attention to news on the shows tbh. But if nothing's been confirmed yet, I sort of have a theory. So we know how, when they're trying to get the Space Stone in New York, they fail and Loki gets away with the stone? I'm wondering if the TV show might potentially focus on what he does after he escapes New York with the stone. It's a possibility, I suppose.

 And now, finally, one of my biggest…annoyances (? I'm not sure this is the word I want to use but the only other word that's coming to mind is iffs which isn't even a real word so moving on) (edit: issues! I found the right word :D . The word I want to use is issues lol) with the movie is the last scene. 

Steggy is a fucking blessed ship, and I love them, don't get me wrong. The plane scene in TFA and the hospital scene in TWS never fail to reduce me to a big sobbing fucking baby. And I'm so fucking happy that they finally got the dance that's been promised to them for so many decades. But the whole thing just doesn't really make sense to me.

 So basically, in the earlier parts of the movie, Bruce has already stated that time travel does not work like how we've all been trained to understand from other parts of pop culture. It's not quite travelling to the past, as nothing they do there will affect their future. What I interpreted from that (and I could be wrong, but this is my understanding) is that when they travel to the past, they end up creating a separate branch of events and shit that diverges from the timeline of events that will lead to their present. It doesn't erase their present, but just sort of forms a permanent branch, you feel? So, Steve travelling back to the past in order to live his life with Peggy only to end up in their present again brought in a huge amount of plot holes.

 For Steve to have lived a life with Peggy and marry her, that would mean events would change drastically. I doubt they got married in secret, so people must've known 'Steve' was alive and OK. Would that mean the search for the past Steve that's still frozen in the Arctic stop, since they're all assuming he's alive? If that happens, that means the Tesseract would've never been found, and that would've led to a whole bunch of other events that would definitely not allow for grandpa Steve to join up again with the MCU's present timeline, as it would've brought him into a different branch instead.

 But, hypothetically, let's say Steve lives with Peggy in secret. They get married in secret, nobody knows he's still alive, they continue with the search, yadda yadda. Now, since Steve is from the future, he would know that SHIELD is being infiltrated by HYDRA, and that Bucky would still be alive and is currently being the Winter Soldier and doing assassin-y shit. And I really, really, highly doubt that Steve would just live a life with Peggy and not interrupt with any of this shit. It's just so against his nature to ignore all of this? So, let's say he does root out HYDRA. That would affect the future. TWS, and everything afterwards would've never happened. So it definitely wouldn't be possible for Steve to return to the MCU's current, present timeline if he lived out his life, as he would've been, once again, on a different, permanently separated branch.

 Let's say, hypothetically, he lived with Peggy in secret. Nobody knew he was alive. He knew HYDRA was growing inside SHIELD and didn't do anything. He knew his best friend was being tortured and brainwashed for decades and didn't do anything. Even then, him just living with Peggy and marrying her would've changed all the events and wouldn't have allowed him to just let his branch converge with the present MCU timeline without messing around with some serious science and shit (which is all highly unlikely tbh).

 So basically, what I'm trying to say is, the whole last scene is fucked and can't have happened without saying 'fuck-it-all' to the rules established in the movie. But yeah, that was just the one and only glaring issue to me I couldn't stop thinking about. But either way, I loved the way the movie ended with the Steggy scene. It was really beautiful and sweet and just everything we could've wanted for their dance :')) . It was also a really bittersweet sort of tone to end the film on? Absolutely gorgeous. 

(edit: wow OK so I made a whole separate post just for this scene because a couple days after I posted this, I realised my thoughts and feelings towards this scene had changed and I had a lot more to say about it. So. Yeah. Here it is.)

 But anyway. Shit. That's it. I've spent this whole past year thinking about this movie and waiting for it, and now that I've watched it and it's over, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. This whole day, I've been feeling incredibly empty honestly. I'm still not quite over Natasha and Tony, and I don't think I'll ever be (which, by the way. Marvel, I'll be sending you the bill for all the emotional trauma you've caused.) But this movie was a bloody masterpiece, and I fucking loved it. The trip down memory lane with the time travel was honestly so incredibly implemented. I was really worried when I realised time travel was going to be involved with this movie, because it introduces a device that can retcon everything and just basically takes away the emotional impact of every event that happens because you can just time travel. But the fact that they introduced the mechanic where you can't affect the past by travelling there does close that issue up. Well done. Very clever.

 But, yeah. Fuck. It's over. 11 years, and it went out with a bang. I honestly have no idea how Marvel is gonna top this for the next era. It seems almost impossible, honestly. I just really hope they do, because I would hate to have a franchise as amazing as the MCU end up fizzling out because their most impressive movie came years before the end and they end up never being able to top it. But these are probably just irrational worries.

 Anyway, final score. 14000605/1. Would definitely watch again. Just not immediately. I still haven't fully digested the movie, and I still feel really empty and full of emotions at the same time even though it's been more than 12 hours since I've seen the movie. So yeah. Imma wait a bit, and then I'll probs rewatch it.

 Anyway, rant over. Hope you enjoyed, I guess? I nearly burst into tears so many times trying to write this fucking thing. If you've seen the movie, feel free to DM me. I'm always up to chat with people lol. And if you haven't seen the movie, what the fuck are you doing reading this? Go watch the damned movie. Christ.

 I might end up making edits to this if I think up of more things to talk about. Or maybe I'll make a separate post. I'll probs make a separate post. But anyway. Farewell, y'all. Time to go hide under my blankets and cry until Far From Home comes out.

 (Also, this thing is 3069 words. Wow. Jesus Christ. If I put this amount of effort into my assignments, I’d be bringing in straight As. Oops.)

[queerlyglittering]

LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN  E X T R E M E L Y  LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then.  Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun. 

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again!  🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep. 

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault. 

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.