#ohhhh cillyyyyy but he's a raaaaanger he's a trained muuuurdererr

[cillyscribbles]

ya girl did it again

as expected, i love ra’s mentor archetype and will die for him. a lot of feelings and bad book analysis under the cut

whenever i read book 3 again, the time-skip between halt and crowley's first conversation and halt's drunk antics sort of breaks my heart.

halt didn't expect the king to break any rules for him. in fact, "outer halt", the grim and more serious side of him mostly expects the worst of people with a few exceptions: this guy's disrespecting the entire diplomatic service as a whole, which i fully damn called, so i'll make my peace by just calmly throwing him out the window. will got kidnapped, so if i don't get to him in time, he'll get himself killed. i got shot, i'm not helping this mission, you two go on and leave me behind, if i die, i die.

(this whole "i need a very clear-cut purpose/i need to be useful somehow in order to keep myself motivated to move on and, by extension, live. if i'm not working what am i doing" mentality is another one of halt's very prominent traits and opens a whole another can of worms on its own imo)

so. what am i getting at.

halt knew fully and well he was risking his life by getting drunk halfway to a coma and going on to publicly shit-talk the king. i mean, he probably only got drunk so he'd have enough 'whatever, screw it' stamina to do it. of course, it could've been an excuse he could present to duncan, which he does ("i got drunk, said a few things i shouldn't have") but do we really think halt can't fake being drunk? i don't think he would give up his self-control if he didn't have to. this is halt.

to be honest this whole post is just me being emotional because think about it - he left his home one day, expecting the better of the two outcomes of what he was about to do - and the better outcome was getting banished from his country which he'd settled in after he had to run away from his homeland, mind you, and now he'll have to leave it as well. he loves this country. he does. not the land itself, but what is means to him. he's got friends here, his whole life's here, this is his home now, he was happy to be somewhere he felt like he belongs. that cabin in the woods, that's him, that's his safe place and a reminder that he's not an outsider despite not being an araluenian by blood. and he decides to give it up, and it's not temporary, it's for his entire life. that's it. done. even if he survives this, he won't ever see that cabin or those woods or that castle again. and that's only if the king doesn't just. behead him. on a whim or some crap.

sure maybe halt was hoping the king would think about his actual input to this country (araluen would've literally fallen TWICE if halt wasn't there to deck some asses), which duncan obviously did, because he's a decent human being and not a piece of ya know. shit. like ferris. to be honest, halt has no reason to trust kings and nobody can blame him. i sure as heck will not.

so think about this.

at first, halt's not really thinking through it - he's angry because of so much nonsense that's happening all at once. his apprentice's somewhere out there probably dying or being trafficked, the king won't see him at all despite him being one of his best advisers, and his best friend, as patiently as he's trying to sugarcoat it, just won't let him go and try to save a boy that's probably closer to him than his own family ever was.

it's understandable to be angry in this situation, nothing more to be said about this. he's PISSED. now it's worth mentioning that halt's primary defining character trait is looking a law straight in the eye and going "listen up here motherfucker". and what does he do? just that. breaks the ranger-defining oath, throws away all the orders his commander gave him, goes out to commit treason because that's how we solve problems in this house.

but, that's not it. he's not just doing it because he's cross-eyed in fury, even if he is. halt is an emotional character if you take him out of context, but that’s only if you take him out of context.

another thing about him is that he's probably the most cold-driven one. he did not do this on a whim. he absolutely did not fuck up his entire life on a whim. no, my guy went home, let the fumes out and then had a good short mental countdown - what he's going to do, how he's going to do it, and what outcome he's hoping to get.

this dude is a ranger, and he knows the laws inside and out (maybe just so he can exploit loopholes in them, but we all have quirks. so what if forging official documents is his hobby. let him live) so he decides on the most optimal one to break to get his way - and it involves POSSIBILITY OF HIS DEATH. and sure, duncan probably won't snap his neck for something like a few foul words, but, like, the only other option is BANISHMENT. he doesn't know duncan will banish him for a year only (as he's startled and absolutely appalled when he hears that).

so - what do you think? he's short on time, he wants to get on with this as fast as he can, but there has to be a while or maybe just a short moment when he just remembers that he’s human for a minute or two and this is not gonna end well for him no matter the outcome.

maybe it's back in his cabin. maybe he wipes the dust off the table and wonders for a bit who'll be the next ranger of redmont. looks at all the flowers he picked for the cabin to keep it clean and nice. will the new ranger pick some new flowers? or will he let those rot until they're good enough to throw out or use as fire fuel? eventually, he knows, there will come a day when the cabin won't remember him, the flowers will stay outside the wooden walls and his memory will slowly fade from the fief. and it'll probably happen during the next few months.

maybe it's during the ride to the tavern where he'll pass judgement on himself. maybe abelard makes a noise of concern, sensing his rider's uneasiness, and halt pats him on the back, what am i doing, how did it come to this, but he keeps moving because he has to, and he goes on with his plan because it's him or will, and hell shall freeze over before he lets it be will. abelard stays silent for the rest of the way and halt remembers that, if he succeeds, he'll be taking him away from his friends as well - cropper and blaze and the rest. and there's a strange feeling of influence, the realization that he's doing something that won't only impact him but quite a handful of others. so many people he most likely won't see again no matter how this turns out - crowley and pauline and baron arald and even the king. but there's a life on the line, and that life is too important to him.

maybe, finally, it's when he's waiting to be called in for his trial with hot drying blood on his face and a feeling that his guts have been ripped out and his head splattered by those clubs the watch carried. maybe it's when he raises a hand to brush off some hair that stuck to his face and he feels his fingers trembling. this is him now, and there's a strange urge to smile. look at me, beaten, bloody and blue, and it's all a part of the plan. what a wretched plan, honestly. he's taken the chance that he won't be killed through this, and there's nothing left than waiting it out to see his future decided. and god knows he didn't want to do that, direct quote - "it's a deep and bitter hurt", he's abandoned everything he'd been building up for years. of course it hurts you fucking self-sacrificing idiot.

can you imagine the absolute disbelief and the relief he must've felt when it was announced that his banishment would last a year? i'm surprised he didn't just plank himself down then and there. i would've. imagine how hard it has to be to intentionally ruin your life for a cause only you seem to believe in, literally tear down everything you've ever worked for, and then be told that it's gonna be alright and it's not twice as bad as you thought it was? jesus christ, the impact of that.

no wonder he's graying at 35. i would've gone into cardiac arrest seven times consecutively just during that single day. so, there. he may be the favourite of everyone and their grandparents, but man, the lengths he's willing to go for the people he cares about still go under-explored. guess that's what i tried to do. it's three am, i have a lot of emotions, and most of them are ra related.

i don't think i've read about a choice quite so difficult in a long time? again, this section breaks my heart. we get so little of his perspective except when he's already leaving araluen. and the guy cries. well-deserved tears. how can you not. honestly the whole point of this post is that halt has gone through way more bullshit than he should've and nobody appreciates him as much as they should. even i. halt o'carrick is immortal and there will be a time when we will give him recognition he deserves, be it willingly or under the pain of death.