#oh where would we be without purpleeyeswtf

[terrasilvershade]

Here’s a script to comedy shows I once did with my buddy in high school.

They are glorious.

Acts

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The four stages of Love

Adapted from Game Grumps Animated: Courting Helena

Adapted by Yotam Perel and Haylyn Williams

{opens with sign with “Stage One: Courting” written on it displayed for crowd}

{sign goes away to revel store with store sign and an apple, strawberries, a book,cheesecake, and boxes on table with gift wrap. Dan has a book. Arin has a wallet. Arin and Dan walk in}

Table center stage with props facing away from audence

Arin: *with wallet in hand* Allright, I got some money, I’m gonna buy some stuff for Helena. *checks phone* Alright, she’s available. She’s available.

Dan: Ok.

Arin: I’ve gotta buy some stuff for her. *picks up book* Ooh a book! *tosses it* But she doesn't read clearly.

Dan: *laughs* Yeah she didn’t like that one book you sent her. *pulls book out of pocket*

Arin: You know I think she might like an apple. *picks up apple* Helena. I think she might like an apple. But I’m not sure though. I’m not sure! *throws arms in the air* Oh I’m so nervous.

Dan: *starts laughing and puts his hand on Arin’s shoulder while doing so*

Arin: *sees cheesecake* Ooh cheesecake! *gasps and pulls Dan close* Do you think Helena would like cheesecake?!

Dan: *laughs*

Arin: *overly excited* I’m gonna send Helena some cheesecake!

Dan: I feel like-

Arin:*with gift wrap in hand* Aww, I can’t gift wrap it. *sad Arin is sad*

Dan: There’s an age difference between us so we never got to be in 8th grade together but I feel like this is what it would’ve been like.

{scene changes to sign saying “Stage Two: Going for it”}

{store sign is removed and all the stuff gone but Helena is now at the table. There is a poster on the table with ‘Just friends’ written on it face down. Arin has a slip of paper and strawberries. Arin and Dan are on stage but far from Helena}

Table stage left; Arin and Helena facong each bother

Arin: Let’s see how this goes. *prances up to Helena all cool*

Dan: This is hard to watch. *laughs* You’re so excited.

Arin: Helena?? I got you a present. *drops strawberries on table* It’s strawberries. Will you go out with me Y/N? *hands her slip of paper*

Helena: Oh, for me? *begins scribbling on a piece of paper*

Dan: *jokingly to Arin* She’s actually writing out a restraining order.

Helena: *Holds up poster that clearly says “Just friends”*

Arin: *Exceedingly happy and jumping up and down with joy* Did you see that?! She called-*grabs Dan and pulls him close again* She called me her friend!

Dan: *laughs*

{scene opens with sign reading “Stage Three: Realization”}

{Helena is gone and Dan and Arin are sitting down with three boxes by them. The boxes have strawberries, cheesecake, and a book in them. Both Arin and Dan start on screen.}

Sit in front of table facing audience

Arin: *grabs one box* Helena sent me a present. *opens it to find strawberries* Crap!

Dan: Ok great.

Arin: *opens second box to find cheesecake* Dang it!

Dan: *laughs*

Arin: *grabs third box but doesn't open it yet* Nobody likes me Dan! *opens to find book* No! *throws book* throw stage right

Dan: *breaks out laughing*

Arin: *stands up and rages against the heavens* What am I doing wrong?! Am I ugly? Am I fat?

{scene opens with sign reading “Stage Four: Desperation”}

{outside store with Dan and Arin on stage. Arin has a ski mask and a black bag.}m

Behind table

Arin: I have to get some money to buy an expensive swimsuit for my girlfriend. *dons mask and bag.*

Dan: Ok...Do you think maybe-

Arin: No! Shut up! *runs in to rob store*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m at Soup”

Adapted from PurpleEyesWTF’s Code MENT

Adapted by Haylyn Williams

{starts with Phone Man(PM) and Soup Man(SM) on stage. They are both on the phone. SM is by a table with soup on it. There is a sign on the table reading “Soup Store” that is initially covered by soup}

Table stage left; Pm on SR, SM on SL

PM: Hello?

SM: Hey what’s up?

PM: I need your help. Can you come here?

SM: Hang on, I’m buying clothes.

PM: Alright well hurry up and come over here.

SM: I can’t find them.

PM: What do you mean you can’t find them?

SM: There’s only soup.

PM: What do you mean there’s ‘only soup’?

SM: I mean there’s only soup.

PM: *suddenly shouting* Then get out of the soup allise!

SM: Alright, you don’t have to yell. *walks around table while more soup is placed upon it* There’s more soup!

PM: *gets progressively louder and more yelly* What do you mean there’s more soup?!

SM: There’s just more soup!

PM: *more yell* Go into the next allise!

SM: There’s still soup!

PM: *now really shouting* Where are you right now?!

SM: I”m at soup! *soup is knocked over to reveal the ‘soup’ part of the sign*

PM: What do you mean ‘you’re at soup’?!

SM: I mean I’m at soup!

PM: What store are you in?!

SM: I’m at the soup store! *’soup store’ is revealed*

PM: *reached his stupid limit* Why are you buying clothes at the soup store?!!

SM: *now shouting in despair* I don’t know!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An issue of concern

Adapted from Winnie the Pooh(2011)

Adapted by Haylyn Williams

{Owl, Pooh, and Eeyore are all on stage. Pooh has a paper pad and a writing utensil. Pooh and eeyore are sitting down like children while Owl is standing like an authoritative figure}

All center stage; sit in a way facing Owl but also audience

Owl: *begins to pace as he lists off a list for Pooh to write* Yes, well the thing to do is as follows: First issue a reward-

Pooh: Gesundheit.

Owl: *is confused* I beg your pardon?

Pooh: Well you sneezed when you were going to tell me what the first thing to do was.

Owl. *super confused* I didn’t sneeze.

Eeyore: Oh, you did Owl.

Owl: *adamantly* No I didn’t! You can’t sneeze without knowing it!

Pooh: Well, you can’t know it without something haven’t been sneezed.

Owl: *dropping the issue* As I was saying, first issue a reward-

Pooh: *to Eeyore* He’s doing it again. *to Owl* You must be catching a cold.

Eeyore: *gloomily* I’ll probably catch it too.

Owl: *frustrated* No, no, no! I’m not catching a cold! The word is issue! Not achoo! And ‘achoo’ isn’t even a word! It’s just some sort of sneezy sound like ‘Ah-choo’!

Pooh: *100% serious* Perhaps you should lie down Owl.

Owl: *facepalms and falls over*

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We’re not having knot troubles

Adapted from Winnie the Pooh(2011)

Adapted by Haylyn Williams

{Rabbit, Pooh, and Eeyore are trapped in a circle of boxes(to represent a hole) and Piglet is outside with some string,a flower, a book and some scissors.}

Rabbit center; piglet left

Rabbit: *sarcastically* Oh this is lovely. We are stuck down here and the backson is still up there!

Piglet: Oh, d-d-dear! Wait for me! *goes to jump down hole*

Rabbit: No, no, Piglet. Stay.

Piglet: But the Backson!

Rabbit: You can help us if you stay up there! No go look for something to help us get out of here.

Piglet: Ok. There might be something by the pack. *leaves*

Rabbit: *to the others* Thank goodness one of us is up there! I was worried we’d be stuck here forever.

Piglet: *returns with flower* I found something. Here *presents flower all proud*

Rabbit: *disbelieving his eyes* What?

Pooh: Oooh! That’s a lovely flower Piglet.

Piglet: Yeah, I thought so, too.

Rabbit: *as if talking to a toddler* Yes, Piglet it’s very nice, a perennial. But I think we need something longer. *acts out ‘longer with his fingers insinuating that he wants Piglet to get a rope*

Piglet: Longer? Of course. How silly of me. *leaves and returns with a book and displays it with pride*

Rabbit: *at his wits end but still trying to work with Piglet* Oh, good thought Piglet. But you can’t possibly think that’s long enough.

Piglet: Oh yes it is. Owl read it too me once and it was certainly the longest thing I’d ever heard. *tosses book to Pooh*

Pooh: It’s true Rabbit. It lags a bit in the middle.

Rabbit: Oh of all the things why didn’t we think to bring a rope?!

Piglet: Well there is this rope. *holds up rope*

Rabbit: *looks at the audience like “seriously?”* Now  Piglet, get us out of here.

Piglet: All of you?

Rabbit: Yes Piglet, all of us.

Piglet: Oh, ok. *takes string and cuts it into three pieces* And three! There! Now you can all get out!

Pooh: *comically missing the point* How very thoughtful you are Piglet!

Rabbit: *losing patience* Good grief! Tie them together Piglet! Can you tie a knot?

Piglet: I cannot.

Rabbit: Ah, so you can knot?

Piglet: I cannot knot.

Rabbit: *in disbelief* Not knot?

Pooh: *once again missing the point* Who’s there?

Rabbit: Pooh!

Pooh: Pooh who?

Rabbit: *facepalms* No, Pooh...eh...Piglet, you’ll need more than two knots.

Piglet: Not possible.

Rabbit: Ah, so it is possible to knot those pieces!

Piglet: Not these pieces?

Pooh: Yes. Knot those pieces.

Piglet: Why not?

Eeyore: *given up hope on the situation* Because it’s all for naught.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARK ZUCKERBERG

Adapted from “Mark Zuckerberg” by Lemony Fresh

Adapted by Haylyn Williams

{Dan is on stage with a phone}

Dan: So I’m gonna share a text I got from my friend Arin this morning. Because I have to go out of town one weekend this month I texted him asking “Would you prefer this weekend or this weekend?” *pause* His response. At 9:30 in the morning: *fast paced a la micromachines man while waving arms around wildly* “Fricken Jesse Eisenberg Jesus Christ seriously dude freakin Facebook Movie crap Jesus can you really believe this stuff?” *pause* No punctuation. Random Capitalization. I respond “I have no idea what we’re talking about right now.” *pause* 45 minutes pass. I get a text from Arin. “God dang created Facebook and screwing lawyers and crap right screwing Winklevoss twins god dang rowing the boat screw this crap I can’t even believe this stuff have you see this crap I just watched this crap screw Jesse Eisenberg man.” *pause* I respond “Arin you’re scaring me.” An hour passes. “Fricken spiderman spiderman you put in the time put in the freaking time mother build it with his bare hands fricken best friend Jesse Eisenberg...I’m very tired.” *pause* And I’m just like “No problem man. I’ll just do most of the talking at the Grump Session today.” Immediate, I’m talking like 5 seconds later: “No man I’ll just talk about the facebook movie you have to see all the stuff I have to say about the facebook movie seriously dude I just watched it a year and a half ago screw Jesse Eisenberg man he screwed over spiderman crazy Winklevoss twins rowing Trent Resin or did the soundtrack screw this guy who the hell invented facebook I don’t like dying who the hell invented facebook all I can think of is the guy who played the guy who invented facebook who the hell invented facebook.” And then in all capital letters two hours later: “MARK ZUCKERBERG!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pass the Mustard

Adapted from “Pass the Mustard” by Krizby425

Adapted by Haylyn Williams

Scene one: Dinner

{Bruce and Lucius are at dinner on a table with dishes, a fork, a cup of ‘iced tea’, and a mustard bottle}

Table center stage with chairs; B and L facing each other

{few seconds of eating}

L: *casually* Batman can you pass the mustard?

B: *stops what he’s doing with wide eyes and drops his fork* *under his breath* I can’t pass it...but he needs that mustard. *motions to grab the mustard”

L: *oblivious to what he has just done* Batman would you like another iced tea? *points to the iced tea cup*

B: *gives L the death look, then gets up, and walks offstage*

Scene two: Post Office

{Bruce and Lucius are a couple feet away from one another, B is at a table with a piece of paper and L has a megaphone at his feet. B is wearing a tie to simulate a ‘suit”}

Table stage left; B stage left; L stage right

L: Hey Batman, get me some stamps.

B: *flinches*

L: I just need a roll of stamps Batman.

B: *gets progressively angrier as L goes on*

L: Batman. Yeah Batman. The one in the suit. *grabs megaphone and holds it to mouth* Bruce Wayne! You know, Batman! Batman Wayne.

B: *turns around and gives L a death glare*

L: *realizes what he’s done* OH! *hand to his mouth* OH! Oh my god! *pause* But on the other hand I really need those stamps.