#oh - and because of the shiny surface the rectangle in the top left - is an image of hokusai's the great wave

[highwaydiamonds]

[whumpzone]

Linden & Colton - 19

(masterpost)

CW: references to noncon, Col fearing he'll be sexually abused, flashbacks, brief victim blaming, pet whump, dehumanisation

-

Linden’s phone buzzed again, and he knew exactly who it’d be before he even looked.

Sure enough, messages from his brother were crowding his phone screen. Vikram texted in small, frantic messages, that Linden found oddly funny.

lol fine knowing you you’ll never suggest a day

are you free tomorrow? I’ll come over for lunch or something

you know you miss me!!

Linden rolled his eyes, but truth be told, he did miss him. A new message appeared before he had the chance to start typing.

fine FINE I just want to see jaffa. you can die idc

That made him huff out a laugh, but he’d never give Vik the satisfaction of knowing that. Instead, he typed back:

Tomorrow is fine, don’t worry about bringing food. What are you doing now? Can you ring me? I have something to tell you before you visit.

Vik replied almost immediately.

yeah gimme 2 secs, who have you killed lol!

He checked around for Colton, but he was nowhere to be seen. Probably still working his way through the little chores and tasks Linden had given him, which meant he was either changing the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom (great for dexterity) or watering the balcony plants (providing plenty of fresh air and sunlight). Either way, he still positioned himself in the corner of the lounge, the furthest from his Pet’s ears.

He answered on the second ring. “Vik?”

“Hey, big man. You alright?”

“Yeah… yeah… I, um, I need to tell you something before you come over.”

“You sound tense, mate. What is it? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine it’s just- I have a Pet. Uh. Yeah.”

Vik didn’t miss a beat. “Are you serious? You, a Pet owner? Please.”

“I know, but there was this, this ad, in the paper, the council were talking about this random stray and they said if no one claimed him they were gonna put him down. They would have murdered him, Vik! And I don’t know. I just thought, fuck, no one else is gonna do anything are they. So I rang them up and they gave him to me for free.”

“Wow,” Vik said, a placeholder while he digested all of that. “So, how is he?”

“He’s alright, yeah. Only recently learned that he could speak. He’s still really really jumpy.”

“He’s scared of you, then,” Vik translated.

“Yeah. I don’t know how much of him you’ll see tomorrow. I’ll tell him it’s alright if he just stays in his room.”

“I can’t picture you as a Pet owner, even though you’re not a proper one.”

“Not a proper one as in I’m a good person with a soul?” Linden quipped. Vik snorted.

“Basically. Ew, it’s weird! He does whatever you say! But you’re just- you’re Linden. You’re my stupid baby brother. He should be telling you what to do.”

Linden smiled. Vik always put him at ease. Difficult topics seemed to flow off him like water off a duck. “Yeah, yeah it is kind of weird, I’m still getting used to it. But you see why I wanted to let you know beforehand.”

“Oh, yeah, totally,” he laughed. “Or else I might have thought he was burgling your house and I’d have asked to join in.”

“Oh, shut up. See you for lunch.”

“See you, Pet man!”

Linden felt the weight lift from his shoulders, but not entirely. Now he had to tell Col.

. . .

He had finished over ten minutes ago. Shiny drops of water still lingered on some of the wider leaves, not quite ready to drop into the moist soil below. But the balcony was too warm and sunny to resist, so Col was still kneeling there when he heard Master’s voice behind him.

He flinched hard at the sound, getting up quickly and ungraciously, tripping over his own feet as if he hadn’t just been caught lazing around.

Through the doorway, a perfect rectangle of light caught Master’s face, cutting down through one eye and turning his left cheek a tawny brown. He had his hands clasped behind his back, and leant forward slightly.

“Don’t worry about getting up, you’re fine, love. No, I don’t know if you heard, but I was just speaking to my brother Vikram over the phone. He’s going to visit tomorrow.”

Master was having a guest. Col nodded, but his mind went white. He suddenly felt like he wasn’t in control anymore. He was underwater, and Master’s voice barely faded through from above the surface.

“You can stay in your room, okay? You don’t have to come down and see him, if you don’t want to. There’s no pressure. I just wanted to let you know beforehand.”

The words flowed past his head, and whatever barriers had been pulled down over his mind kept them from making a dent. “Thank you, sir,” his body replied.

“Okay?” Master half-smiled. “Okay. Good stuff, Col. It’s a nice day- stay out on the balcony more, I know you like it there. I’ll see you later, okay?”

He nodded, but it must have been delayed, because he blinked and Master had left the room, as if he had never been there. Had Col dreamt it?

Turning around, the flowers were wet, so he had completed that task. He knew he had been ordered to stay, so he did, trying to keep the creeping dread from flooding him entirely.

But-

The next day-

It all came crashing down. His eyes snapped open and he was in his room, waiting, and then there was the click of the front door and Master was speaking, speaking with another voice- there was a man in the house-

Master only ever had guests when his Pet had been bad, and he was going to be taught a lesson, and that’s why he was told to wait in his room, that’s why he was prepped, maybe it was a small mercy. But he had been in such a state of denial, barely able to process the news, that he hadn’t done anything to make it hurt less.

All he knew was that he was on the floor in the corner, the furthest one from the bed, and his arms were wrapped around him as if that’d do anything to stop the onslaught. He knew they would just force his limbs apart and restrain them like that until they were done, and it didn’t matter whether he cried and begged. Sometimes they even enjoyed it more when he did. Once he had been lifted up by his throat and told to beg for his life, and it made everyone laugh, because look at it, it wants this, it’s begging for it.

The door handle turned and Col could see Master’s face. His eyes scanned the room briefly before they landed on Col, tucked away in the corner of the room. “Col? What is it?”

. . .

Hey, Col. Vik is here, just so you know, but again, no pressure to come downstairs. He knew what he would say, the tone he’d say it in, so he could hopefully make Col feel secure. But it all fell apart when he laid eyes on the Pet, curled up and trembling on the far side of the room.

“Col?” he said. “What is it?”

“You promised,” Col sobbed, utterly betrayed. Linden’s heart broke. “You promised you wouldn’t- wouldn’t- wouldn’t do that…”

“I won’t,” he said, understanding immediately and wanting more than anything to go over to Col and pull him into a hug. But he couldn’t. He knew that.

“You said you wouldn’t let anyone else,” he whispered, looking up at him with bloodshot eyes.

Then- the moment of vulnerability passed. Not that Col looked any less vulnerable. He was still hunched, small and weak, programmed to do whatever it took to make Linden happy. But he caught his tongue, and the mask slipped back on.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You can do- do what you want to me. Of course. I’m not, I don’t mean to question you, Master, I’m sorry, I know my place, I’m good, I promise I’m good.”

“You are, you’re really good.” He put a hand over his heart and kept it there. “I’m not going to come in, Vik isn’t going to come in. Neither of us are going to hurt you. I promised, and I’m sticking to it.”

Col was still sobbing, but it was more uneven breaths than actual tears. He couldn’t have spoken even if he wanted to with the way his lungs were pulling the rug from underneath him.

“For now, I think you might feel safer if I just left you alone, so I’ll go back downstairs, okay? And I won’t disturb you again. You just make sure you feel better, that’s all that matters. Don’t worry, Col. You’re safe.”

-

Vikram didn’t say anything as Linden returned, but he did raise his eyebrows. Linden just nodded, keeping quiet until he was sat back down and, hopefully, out of earshot.

“Poor thing,” said Linden. “He thinks, well- he just sees everything as a threat. I don’t know if he’s ever had a positive experience with another person before. At least not in his memory. Did you…”

He trailed off and Vik simply nodded. All humour was gone from his face; he knew when to leave it out, and when it would help. “Yeah, I heard a bit of it. Heard him crying.”

“I don’t want you to take it personally-“ Linden started, but Vik had already swatted at him.

“Oh, stop it. As if I would. But I am- I am happy I’m here, even though I’m sorry it’s scared him. You need someone too, Linden. Like, shit, this is a full time job.”

“You sound weird, being nice to me” he smiled weakly. Vik grinned back at him, in complete earnest.

“Well then, we can talk about something else, if you want. Something I can confidently mock you for. Where’s Jaffa, too?” he twisted around in his chair, searching for her. His floofed-up hair, hairsprayed to excess, bobbed around on the top of his head as he went. “Where’s my little main attraction?”

Soon Vik had Jaffa on his lap where he was brushing her absent-mindedly, listening to Linden talk about the latest book he had read.

“You are a fuckin’ hermit, dude.”

“And?” Linden pulled his best bored-looking face.

“Well… actually, yeah, stay indoors. Forcing you to come drinking with me would be at the rest of the pub’s expense.”

“You’re a bastard,” Linden laughed. “It’s you they should be worrying about, with that boulder of hair on your head. Look at the state of it, it crunches when you touch it.”

“The ladies love it.”

“Yeah, ‘cause they know if they get locked out they can use it to smash a window.”

. . .

Above them, Col listened. He couldn’t make out the words, but both men seemed happy and upbeat, excited about the night ahead of them, excited about the pliant little bitch waiting upstairs.

Before that, though-

Colton had been openly defiant. He had begged for it to stop before it had even started. He hadn’t taken an ounce of pain, nothing had earned him the right to plead for mercy. He had not only been insubordinate, but he had done it while Master had a guest. That kind of embarrassment would not go unpunished. Master would not have his authority undermined by some common stray.

Col desperately needed to apologise. He knew he shouldn’t just wait for his punishment like usual this time. This time he needed to right the balance. He would prove that he knew his place, and show Master’s guest that his rule here was absolute. So with shaking hands, he slowly creaked open the door, and went downstairs.

The laughter died as he came into view, and even the feeling of their eyes settling over his body made his skin prickle. For a split second, his feet locked in place, but as usual his fear pushed them onwards. He kept his head down, his arms behind his back, his shoulders hunched. As soon as he reached Master’s feet, he knelt. Forehead to the floor. Hands to his sides, ready to be stomped on or grabbed. He was a slave. He was always open for his Master’s use. He did not answer back and he did not question.

“Col, are you, are you sure you want to be here?” Master asked from above. He was very sure. But yes, of course, it was no use Col thinking these kinds of affirmations in his head. He had to make them clear.

“I’m here to apologise, sir, for daring to answer back and embarrassing you. Your Pet knows that he is owned completely and it was c-completely wrong to question you. I had no right to ask for mercy, I don’t deserve any. I’m a mindless Pet with no free will and I exist to serve you. P-Please, accept th-this apology. It won’t- won’t happen again.”

He stammered, towards the end. He could only hope Master wouldn’t get angry about it.

. . .

Ironically, it was now that Linden was embarrassed. He glanced over at Vik, and as the two brothers made eye contact, it was as if they had exchanged a whole conversation.

You see, see what I mean? See how he is?

Yeah, dude. It’s fucked up.

I’m sorry.

Don’t be. You’re doing your best to help him. I’m not embarrassed if you’re not.

He gently reached down to Col and rested a palm on top of his head. He jerked in surprise, a weak gasp escaping his lips, but he otherwise stayed perfectly still.

“Okay, love. Thank you. I’m not angry, okay? My brother is here and he always puts me in a good mood.”

He shot another glance at Vik, mouthing this is how I make him understand. Vik nodded. He was looking at Col curiously. Linden wondered if this was how he had pictured him.

“You didn’t embarrass me. You’re fine. I’m not going to hurt you. Vik doesn’t want to hurt you either. Why don’t you go and sit on the balcony, and I’ll sit with you later, and pet your head? You’re not in trouble.”

As he retracted his hand Col’s head tilted upwards, chasing the warmth of the touch. He kept his eyes low, but whispered, “Thank you, sir, thank you, thank you for having mercy. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“Okay, you’re okay. Let me help you up.”

It was technically an order, and Col obeyed silently, offering no resistance as Linden slipped a hand over his elbow and pulled him to his feet. He smiled at Col, but his face was blank and resigned. Beyond fear. He had done what he could, and his fate was in Linden’s hands once more. It hurt to know that. Linden could decide to leash Col at any moment, torture him with knives and burning oil and belts, and Col wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

Linden steered him to the base of the stairs, and then gently encouraged him upwards, until he had drifted out of sight entirely.

The house was silent. He turned back to Vik, but neither had to say anything. Linden already knew that he understood.

-

first half of the taglist!

@newbornwhumperfly @whumpadump1939 @firewheeesky @whump-me-all-night-long @captainseconds @grizzlie70 @unicornscotty @lave-whump @princessofonward @cupcakes-and-pain @bumbumbea @whumpfigure @yet-another-heathen @secretwhumplair @whumps-up @as-a-matter-of-whump @getyourwhumphere @itzagoodthing @whumpymirages @soapparentlyilikewhumpnow @zipadeedooda-drabbles @penny-for-your-whump @briars7 @legallylibra @angel-stars @loyds-of-registry @tears-and-lilies @badluck990 @rosesareviolentlyread

@vickytokio @neuro-whump @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @whumpsy-daisies @control-whump @theydy-cringeworthy @starnight-whump @cursedandtired @jo-doe-seeking-inspo @justabitofwhump @glamrockgregory @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @genesissane @justbreakonme @addyez @httyd-chocolate

[jaskierswolf]

hi wolfie it is i, the ramen man, i was wondering if you could write a prompt based on a baking competition tv show ? maybe even christmas themed if you want ?? no stress if you can't/don't wanna write it, i love u 🥺

This got... long? So you can also find on AO3

__________

Jaskier wasn’t stressed. He’d made this recipe a thousand times. It was his speciality!  No one made better chocolate brownies than he did but his presentation let him down. They were messy, gooey and delicious but this was a competition. They needed to look good too. He whined as he sat in front of his oven. Who made chocolate brownies for a cooking competition? Oh god he was an idiot.

He glanced around the room. Valdo Marx was busy finishing up his winter spiced cake and it smelled absolutely divine; the bastard. Plus he’d brought along some holly sprigs to make the whole thing look a bunch more christmassy. Jaskier had baked some orange slices to decorate his brownies. He also had some edible golden glitter for the top and a few spun sugar decoration for good luck. His secret ingredient though was Cointreau. The orange liqueur kept the brownies extra gooey in the centre without them being too rich.

He stared into the oven, chewing his bottom lip anxiously as he ran a hand through his hair. They were almost done. There was a shiny film over the top that would give the brownies a nice crunch. If he did well with these he would get into the next round; the final round. In that round they hand to create gingerbread houses, well more palaces. They had to absolute architectural masterpieces and he was shitting himself. Like his brownies, his gingerbread tasted amazing but it wasn’t always pretty. They were delicious and wonderful but not much to look at on the surface.

He’d only gotten so far because they tasted good.

“Come on, come on, come on!” He muttered and pressed his face against the glass.

He really needed to at least get to the final. There were smaller cash prizes for all finalists and the publicity from the competition would do wonders for his little bakery.

“How’s it going?” Triss Merigold, one of the presenters asked.

He shrugged. “Not much I can do until it’s finished baking. It always goes much faster when you’re watching this at home.”

Triss laughed. “Clever editing.”

“I just hope I’ve done enough,” he sighed. “Maybe I can charm the judges with my guitar skills instead…”

“Ah yes, they said you play. Is that a hobby?” Triss asked with forced politeness.

Jaskier scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah. Well, I wanted to play as a kid. I was going to be the next John Lennon but you know how it is. My gran taught me how to bake and I became addicted. I still write my own songs for my YouTube channel though.”

“Wow! That’s amazing!” Triss made it sound like the least amazing hobby on the planet.

Luckily the oven timer went off at that moment and Jaskier was able to crack on. He pricked the brownies to make sure they were cooked through before setting it aside to cool. Whilst they were cooling he grabbed his tray of sugar decorations and the orange slicer.

“Bakers! You have five minutes!” Triss called out.

“Oh bollocks!” He groaned. He wasn’t going to have enough time to let it cool before decorating. Luckily the brownies tasted better warm but they were also harder to get out of the tin in one piece. He whined pitifully but dug a knife around the edge of the tin before slicing the brownies into the neatest rectangles he could manage. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

The camera man glared at him for swearing but he just stuck his tongue out. He was stressed, he was allowed to fucking swear! They were crumbling in his hands as he moved them to the plates. He cleaned up the crumbs as best as he could before showering them with edible glitter. He arranged the baked orange decorations as best he could so they looked slightly less terrible and then finally delicately placed the spun sugar on the top, only breaking two of the little shits in his hands.

“And stop!” Triss yelled and all the bakers stood back from their stations.

Valdo Marx was smiling smugly. His winter spiced cake looked fucking fantastic. On his other side stood Priscilla. She’d made cupcakes that were elegantly decorated to look like snowflakes, each one slightly different and beautiful. Next to Priscilla was Essi Daven. Her chocolate Yule Log looked amazing, Jaskier almost believed it was a real log.

Oh he was so going out.

He sighed and plastered a fake smile on his face as Yennefer Vengerberg re-entered the room.

“Time’s up bakers. You are apparently the best of the best but only three of you will make the final round. My expectations are high. I’m sure you’ll disappoint.” She smirked at them, violet eyes flashing dangerously. “Sadly, it is not only me that you must impress with these bakes.”

Jaskier felt his eyes widen. Shit, he’d forgotten that they brought in a second judge in this round. The bakers never knew who would be until they were introduced but it was always a famous chef and Jaskier suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Please welcome, my ex-husband… Geralt.”

Jaskier let out a pitiful whimper as Geralt fucking Rivia entered the room. The man was only his celebrity crush. He would be fine. It was going to be fine and holy shit he was even more gorgeous in real life.

Fuck.

“Now, as I am sure you are all away, Geralt and I have never once agreed on anything except our daughter. So this promises to be fun.” Yen drawled sarcastically.

Geralt chuckled and crossed his arms in front on his chest. He was wearing a tight black t-shirt and Jaskier’s entirely life was suddenly just Geralt’s arms.

They were so big.

“That is precisely why I was invited, Yen,” Geralt muttered with a fond smile. “Evens out the vote.”

“My vote is fine on its own.”

“Hmm. We’ll see.”

Jaskier zoned out the rest of the conversation as the other bakers made their way to the front to be judged. He was too entranced by the god stood before him. The long silver hair that was pulled up into a bun, revealing the oh so sexy undercut. Jaskier watched Geralt’s lips part as he tasted one of Priscilla’s cupcakes. He got some frosting stuck on the corner of his lips and Jaskier desperately wanted to help him lick it off, but instead Geralt’s tongue flicked out to catch it. Jaskier was weak.

He zoned back in long enough to notice with great satisfaction that Valdo’s cake was under-baked and a little bit shit, not even holly could save it. So Jaskier was still in with a chance, and then it was his turn. He was hoping the brownies would still be warm. If they’d cooled down too much then his presentation would probably fuck him over.

“Buttercup?” Yennefer raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “If you could stop drooling over my ex for two seconds, tell us about your… brownies?”

Jaskier’s fingers flexed and he tugged nervously at the edge of his shirt. “Ah yes. Umm. Hi,” He stammered and blushed as Geralt winked at him. “Brownies, orange. Chocolate orange brownies,” he swallowed and ran a hand through his hair. “I used dark chocolate mostly but there are chocolate orange chunks in there too, any orange flavoured chocolate is good. Orange zest, orange juice and umm.. oh ah, orange liqueur.”

“Aren’t you concerned the orange will overpower the chocolate?” Yen asked sharply.

Jaskier shrugged. “I make these every year. They sell well at the bakery.”

“Smells good,” Geralt noted.

“The presentation is shocking,” Yennefer countered.

“Yeah,” Jaskier admitted with a sheepish smile “but I can do better. If you give me a chance.”

Geralt raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re running out of chances.”

“Yeah but I’m cute.” The words fell from his lips before he could stop them. He clapped his hand over his mouth and blush furiously. “I am so sorry!”

“Hmm.”

“Let’s just taste them shall we?” Yen suggested.

Jaskier nodded, still hiding behind his hands. “Please.” He felt a hand on his shoulder and he yelped.

“Relax, Jaskier,” Geralt murmured in a low voice.

Jaskier’s blush deepened and he smiled up at Geralt. Oh those eyes were like honey, so warm and inviting. There was still a small smudge of frosting on his lips that Jaskier hadn’t noticed before but now he couldn’t stop staring. He wondered if Geralt tasted as sweet as he looked. “Thanks, Geralt.”

“Geralt, stop flirting and taste the freaking brownie.”

“Yes, dear,” Geralt sighed.

Geralt took a bite of his brownie and fucking moaned. A quiet whimper escaped Jaskier’s lips. God he was going to melt on national television but he didn’t care. He’d had a chance to meet his favourite celebrity and Geralt had liked his baking! It was honestly life goals. The only thing he had left to tick off was his wedding to Geralt by the coast. That had always seemed like an unreachable fantasy that helped him sleep at night but now Geralt was right in front of him… it didn’t seem quite so far away.

“Fuck,” Geralt moaned. Jaskier chuckled, that would have to be beeped out in the final cut. “This is amazing!”

Yennefer looked surprised as she tried her own forkful of brownie. “Not bad, buttercup. Not bad at all. It melts in your mouth.”

“And the orange is actually subtler than I expected.” Geralt gave him a fond smile and Jaskier had to remind himself how to breathe.

“Ah, umm. Thanks, Thank you, Geralt.”

“It looks like dirt,” Yennefer said cooly “but it tastes heavenly. Presentation has always been your weakness, Jaskier.”

Jaskier’s eyes widened. Yennefer hadn’t called him ‘Jaskier’ since the first round when Triss had mentioned it was Polish for buttercup. “I know. I know!” He whined.

“If you get through to the final then you will fail miserably unless you can change that,” she added with a raised eyebrow.

“Taste won’t save you, no matter how cute you are,” Geralt smirked.

“I know. Wait hang on what?!” Jaskier stammered at Geralt’s words.

“You did good, buttercup. Well done.” Yennefer said firmly and rolled her eyes. “We’re done here.”

“Thank you, Yennefer, Geralt,” He nodded, definitely not still blushing as his gaze landed back on Geralt. “Thank you.”

____________

Jaskier screamed into the cushions as he threw himself down on the sofa. He’d fucking done it! He was in the final! He’d never imagined in a million years! Not to mention that Geralt Rivia thought he was cute. He wondered if he would be able to get Geralt’s autograph or whether that was just weird considering he was one of the judges.

“Jaskier?”

Jaskier rolled over so he could see Geralt, forgetting that the sofa wasn’t that wide and falling onto the floor. “Oh fuck!”

“Are you alright?” Geralt asked as he came over to help him stand up. Jaskier gripped Geralt’s forearm as he was pulled to his feet.

All other thoughts left his mind as he stared at the muscles in Geralt’s arms.

“Arms…” He blurted out. “I mean! Shit. Umm, oh god.”

Geralt just laughed and steadied him on his feet. “Look, I wanted to ask…. once the show is over and I’m no longer a judge. Did you want to get dinner?”

Jaskier gaped at Geralt. “I’m sorry what?”

“Unless I’ve completely misread the situation. Fuck. Sorry. Look you can say no, I won’t score you worse because of it,” Geralt paled and crossed his arms in front of his  chest. “We’ll pretend this never happened.”

“No, Geralt wait!” Jaskier grabbed his arm. “Yes, ask me again after the final but yes. Dinner sounds great.”

Geralt smiled faintly and nodded. “Great.”

“Great,” Jaskier repeated. “It’s a date!”

Geralt nodded again. “I have to go. We shouldn’t be seen alone together until after the final.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course.”

“Good luck, Jaskier.”

Jaskier grinned dopily as he watched Geralt walk away. It looked like Christmas magic was a real thing after all. “Yeah, you too.”

Wait. You too? Oh fuck it. _____________ Tag list: @alwenarin @slythnerd @davidtennan-t @flippinfricks @innocentcinnamonpun @marvagon @elliestormfound @geraskier-trashh @panerato @moonysourenza @artistsfuneral @victorieschild @hailhailsatan @wherethewordsare @havenoffandoms @bitchy-witchy-post-mortem @electricrituals @geralt-of-riviass @00qtee @kittynannygaming @stinastar @scribblesonmapleleaves @thecomfortofoldstorries @fontegagrilledcheese @anythinggoesfandoms @veritasrose @trickstermoose67 @nonegenderleftpain @ohheytheremiss @kueble @love-more-today-than-yesterday @kozkaboi

[christinaengela]

Shutters seem like a very old-fashioned concept don’t they? There are of course a variety of reasons why the idea of having shutters on a window – perhaps even your bedroom window – might appeal to you. I’ll tell you about mine.

A few years ago, the owner of the house next door to me went against the wishes of all the rest of the residents in the area – and also the municipal bylaws – and turned his garage into one of those nasty little illegal shops. Oh yes, it was convenient to be able to walk right next door at virtually all hours of the day or night to buy a quick sweet, chippie, coldrink or pack of smokes for the wiffle, but the negatives were far more numerous and weighty. Noise at all hours was one of them – and it came from the back door of the shop, which was situated in the alleyway between the two houses, right outside our bedroom window!

Think of it – all through the night we would hear the hum of refrigerator motors, and late at night one of the managers would move in or out of the door noisily chatting on their phones, slamming doors, or move fresh coldrink bottles in to repack fridges… Early in the morning while we’d still be asleep, they’d move around there, opening the door and prepping for opening time!

Regardless of the drama relating to the illegal shop issue and how it was eventually closed down last December after a five year wait for our municipality to get things sorted out, this was the reason why my other half suggested I make some shutters for the bedroom window. The idea was added to further when we visited the Nr 7 Castle Hill museum in 2018 and saw the interior wooden window shutters they had there. I wanted to make shutters for our bedroom window – the only issue was how I was going to do it!

What did I do? I’m D.I.Y.ing to tell you!

We have tall windows, and so I knew whatever design I settled on in the end, it would require a fair amount of material. I started working on ideas on my sketch pad, and then had a look around the wood-store in the garage, and my spare parts bin, and came up with the groundwork for this concept!

If you want to, you could pop down to the wood shop and buy pine planks to make your own version of this. At the time I didn’t have enough pine plank or similar to make plain wooden shutter doors, so I used what I had at hand – melamine, or veneered chipboard – and decided I would paint it afterwards.

Neither of us minds the rustic look – in fact, we’re quite partial to it, so it not looking like it was popped out of a mold or template at a machine-shop didn’t bother us in the least.

I measured carefully – and it’s important to do this, because if you’ve measured wrong and then cut based on those wrong measurments, it could be hard to recover from that mistake!

I made two doors, each of them the full length of the inside of the window opening from top to sill, and half as wide. I usually work with what I have available – in this case, I had several broad and tall lengths of melamine, one perfectly sized to make a whole door, and several smaller ones which I would use together to make the second. This implied joining three smaller pieces to make the second door – but never mind that, there are ways to secure, brace and make joins look good. I used a few lengths of 2×4 pine to brace the join in the second door – two horizontally across the joins on the inside or window side, and one vertically on the outside spanning all three pieces.

Of course the ideal would be to make the door out of one piece of wood, but as I said, I work with what I have – that’s how you end up with unique items firstly, and secondly, how your hobby remains affordable!

Making the doors was not as simple as it could’ve been, because I didn’t just want to make solid opaque doors, which would’ve been easier. We wanted to shut out noise as well as light, but we still wanted to retain some airflow. The solution was to cut a rectangular window in each door, which I did with a jig-saw. I could’ve made the window opening any shape, say a circle for instance, but I picked a rounded rectangle. Then, from another piece of melamine, I cut two rectangular pieces about 2cm larger than the window hole. These are to cover the hole from the outside, mounted on spacers which will leave a gap for air to pass through.

I then covered the hole with fine nylon mosquito netting, securing it all the way round with a staple gun. For this exercise, I made sure the netting went on the window side of the doors. (In hindsight, I’d prefer to use the more durable plastic mosquito screen available from hardware stores instead.) After that, I cut eight small pieces of melamine from offcuts, and arranged them one at each corner of the windows, and secured them with glue to keep them in place while I lined the two rectangular planks up with them, and then drilled and screwed them to the door.

In the case of melamine (or in fact any brittle type of real wood) when securing two or more planks to another, I find it’s better to first drill a hole through the top planks and then putting the screw through the hole into the back one. This avoids splitting and bulging and breakage, which saves a lot of frustration.

With the small windows blanked off, this will block most of the light entering through the window, as well as noise, while allowing airflow to continue. The netting would also keep out annoying bugs like mosquitos.

Next, the hinges.

Once I was satisfied both fitted together inside the opening, I knew it was time to fit the hinges.

I had two pairs of long steel hinges available, which I’d recovered from two old doors we’d replaced on our outbuildings years ago. Both were about a century old, and the hinges were covered in paint and surface rust, and it took some sanding and wirebrushing to get them nice and shiny again! Afterwards, I clear-coated them with spray-on aerosol clear lacquer. You could use new hinges, and you can still get this sort of hinge at hardware stores for a premium price of course. I opted for longer hinges because of the weight of the doors and the extra support these give.

I secured the hinges to the doors in a nice even spacing – top hinges close to the top and bottom hinges close to the bottom of the doors.

Then I placed the doors in the window opening to measure for the placement of the hinges on the wall beside the window opening, marked the placement of the screw holes, and drilled them. I opted to use two small 10mm rawl bolts per hinge, and there are four hinges, so there are sixteen rawl bolts.

I secured the hinges to the wall. Once it was all tightened, the doors opened and closed perfectly – but it was still far from finished. There were gaps through which light shone, and made the imperfections in the edges glaringly obvious! Can’t have that, can we?

I solved that by applying some thin pine dressing along the edges of each door. This material comes in lengths of 2m, and is about 6mm thick and 2 to 3 cm wide. I needed three to finish this job, and still had a little left to put away for another project.

I secured the dressing to the edges of the doors with short screws while they were closed, all the way round, leaving gaps only for the hinges and the bolt that closes the doors.

The dressing along the opening edge in this case was attached to the edge of the left door, which I chose to be the one that opens first, so it overlaps over the right door edge and closes the gap. The edging around the outside edges of the door also overlaps neatly over the gaps between the door and the window opening or sill, all the way round.

Because the melamine was mostly white and had been recycled from old cupboards, it needed a coat of paint – and because we were planning to repaint that wall of the bedroom a dusty pink or something like it, we picked a dark off-red paint to coat the shutters insides and out!

In the middle of it, we decided the pine edging looked really nice as is, and so I had a bit of a time keeping the paint off it! Nevertheless, I still need to add some varnish to the pine edging, which I’ll probably get around to whenever I get around to repainting that wall!

A pair of opening and closing shutters isn’t the end of the job yet – I still have to tell you how we keep it closed!

At the bottom that was simple – the right door is secured to the window sill by a small barrel bolt which slides into a hole drilled into the sill. At the top – which is out of reach, I employed the same system, but as you can see in the photo, I employed a spring to keep the bolt in the extended position, and a cord tied to the bolt which is long enough to operate from a normal standing height.

The left door is secured to the right door by means of an old-fashioned lift-latch which came off the old outside toilet door, is made of iron, and dates from about 1901 when the house was first built. It took some work to clean and recover this item, and I’m quite proud of that 😉 .

That’s the long and short of it – our bedroom shutter doors. They cut out noise from the neighborhood to an acceptable, tolerable level for a good nights’ sleep, and daylight in case one of us has a migraine or want to have a peaceful afternoon nap! Plus, they add to the overall visual effect of our rustic little hideaway!

I hope this gives you some good ideas and inspiration for D.I.Y.’ing around the house!

Pictures included – enjoy!

Have a DIY day!

Cheers!

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If you’d like to send Christina Engela a question about anything on this site, or her life as a writer or transactivist, please send an email to christinaengela@gmail.com or use the Contact form on her author website.

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Easy DIY Window Shutters Shutters seem like a very old-fashioned concept don't they? There are of course a variety of reasons why the idea of having shutters on a window - perhaps even your bedroom window - might appeal to you.

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Lindsay All-In One Purifying Charcoal Modeling Mask

I tried out this type of mask on a whim. I needed to add a few more dollars into my cart to qualify for free shipping and decided to splurge a little on this. I’m a charcoal JUNKIE. I love it. This is a sort of DIY face mask where it comes with the mask mix and you add the water and stir. 

Here is the front... notice the water line. Remember me mentioning the water line.

The charcoal mask mix how it comes in the packet. The spatula is included and is just randomly buried in the mix that you need to fish out.

The back of the packet. A little picture diagram and some English instructions.

RETAIL PRICE: 2 USD / 1 package

FROM THE OFFICIAL SITE: A premium modeling mask housed in a cute little pouch that stands on its own so you can easily enjoy salon-status skincare anywhere you go. The nutrient-packed powder transforms into a soft, rubbery, gel-like mask that contours smoothly onto your face. It's formulated with high quality ingredients like moisturizing and soothing Diatomite and Alginate, so you can enjoy amazing skin at home or away.

MY SKIN TYPE: NORMAL/OILY

RECOMMENDED USE: Hold the top and pat the pouch so the powder can settle to the bottom. Tear along the incision line, then pour in water up to the pre-marked water line (approximately 7 spoonfuls of water). Stir with the provided spatula until the powder turns into a thick and gummy texture. Apply the mixture over entire face in the order of cheek, chin, forehead, and nose, making sure to avoid eyes and lips. Relax for 15 to 20 minutes until the mask gets stiff, then remove the mask pack. (my commentary is so long I made it an entirely new section below...)

Comments on readying in the product: Okay. Unfortunately I have a TON of complaints about this product so bare with me. I’ve tried ALL sorts of face masks and was a bit intrigued to find this one you have to mix yourself. So much better than a charcoal powder + glue DIY mask since the mixture is premade AND you still get to feel like you get to do something because you get to mix and ‘create’ your product right? WRONG WRONG WRONG. First of all remember how I mentioned the water line is on the OUTSIDE of the packaging? (go look at the first imagine again, please!) See it? The pouch is HUGE and it’s god damn near 100% impossible to see that water line when you’re filling the pouch. If you’re using a sink you’re looking straight down at the product and CAN’T SEE THE FRONT PACKAGING, if you’re got your water in a pitcher or cup or something you’re looking at the front and hey, the front isn’t transparent so then you can’t see what you’re pouring!! I tried to do it at and angle still, and no luck! That is some BAD BAD planning to have the water line on the OUTSIDE FRONT only. At least make it go all the way around the packaging, or HEY, draw the water line INSIDE the pouch? 2 USD is pretty standard for a one-time use product and most have a water line inside or at least an indentation of the packaging to act as the line...and that line is pretty useless so a HUGE THUMBS DOWN!!! It mentions 7~ spoonfuls of water but honestly the way the packaging is designed it’s impossible to add water without knowing when to stop on your own because the water doesn’t permeate the product and just remains on top. You can add a whole bunch of water without mixing it and swamp-out your product. This leads me to issue number TWO....

The packaging of the product. If you squint at my small photo of the back of the product the english directions say to spred out the bottom of the packaging to stir... YOU CAN’T. YOU CAN’T MAKE A FLAT SURFACE ON THE BOTTOM OF THE POUCH. Believe you me, I tried. Imagine a rectangle. Now draw a line down the center of the rectangle the long way. Now fold the rectangle up so it’s in a tent shape. That’s what the bottom of the pouch is. Essentially two sides and you’re suppose to somehow stir that with the spatula to create the right consistency... I couldn’t really get a good picture of the bottom from the inside, below is the best I could manage with one hand holding my camera. You can see the dried chucks of the mix all around inside, hard to blend together. It reminded me of mixing brownie batter with a spoon. No matter how hard you stir there are always lumps of product in your mixture hiding.

What a mess it became real quick.....

And that’s putting it nicely. My entire sink, hands, pouch was a complete 100% disaster trying to mix this dang thing. I had to clean my hands to touch my phone, and had to clean my sink because it was started to CLOG IT before I took pictures. I was literally ‘wtfing’ in my head before I even started mixing because.. it’s just... not possible. 

FIRST IMPRESSIONS (of mixed product): First I’ll start out by saying I did not mix this product correctly. I had way too much water at first causing me to improvise and spill some out and then mix and spill out more and ?? it was a MUDDY hot mess.... so my mask was rather thick and had some chunks in it. It smelled skin care-y and charcoal-y and I love the smell of charcoal. The shape of the spatula actually made the product super easy to apply (and even easier if it was a normal consistency). No smell once on the face, and it feels so refreshing on. 

It looks so cool on. It gets all shiny and thick... like rubber!!

OVERALL THOUGHTS: I hate making this mask, I LOVE the actual product. I would 1000000% buy this mask if it came premade in a jar or something like that, in fact it would probably become a staple in my ‘must have on deck at all times’ items. It was super easy to peel off and left my skin feeling FRESH! My skin was supple and soft and smooth.... literal baby cheeks. My blackheads where shrunken and my ACNE WAS VISIBLY REDUCED. I don’t have massive acne but I have three good ‘ol oldfashion pimples. One of my left cheek and two on my right. Their bumps were SMALLER and the redness was visibly reduced/darkened. My skin was left almost a dusty (???) texture after peeling of the mask but such a clean feeling that I actually did NOT wash my face after peeling it off. I washed off a few stubborn mask pieces that were hanging on that’s about it... and my face stayed oil free for a good 3 hours afterwards. Oh, the mask also dries into a rubber form (don’t mistake it for being still wet) and is super fun to peel off.

TIPS: Make this product in clothes you don’t care about and over a sink or something. It is M E S S Y. 

OVERALL RATING: 5/10 impossible to make on your own (0%), but the product itself is amazing (50%)

BUY AGAIN: No, I had a horrible time mixing it. It was definitely very fun to try once but such a headache that once is enough. I AM going to research a bit into this brand and see what premade products they offer. From Memebox it seems like they only have the DIY (add water) kits which I’m probably leaning on not repurchasing but I will update if I find anything else from this (would be) amazing brand ((((:

WHERE TO BUY:  

Memebox: use this link to get 20% off your first 25 USD purchase!

Amazon

BuyKorea.com