#of losing mine. I've never processed how close it was. abd now i feel like im just re experiencing it at random times. abd that's
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#delete later#the issue with having no emotional object permanence is that every bad situation is the worst thing ive ever experienced#my grandad died five years ago so i know ive felt grief before as an adult. but the emotions i felt have no permanence so#i have no concept of how it felt. so knowing that my aunt is going to die soon feels like the most painful thing I've ever felt#and it means i cant really think of much else. and i fucked up aGAIN at work today. and my manager is getting fucking tired of it#but like im really trying. like i checked those things. i just didnt see them. its frustrating. im not processing anything correctly#and my grandma losing her younger brother. and watching my mum and aunt losing their sister. is making me ao so so scared#of losing mine. I've never processed how close it was. abd now i feel like im just re experiencing it at random times. abd that's#terrifying. i don't know what id do. and now im crying again. fuck man. i swing wildly between being so scared abd upset at#losing my aunt and what it means for everyone i love. and being super matter of fact aboit it. bc ive had harm ocd since i was#a kid. ive been thinking about the ways i and everyone could die and coping with it by being matter of fact that everyone dies#and its as natural as being alive. turns out both things exist in me and idk how to do anything with them#but anyway. tomorrow morning i will go outside. i will look in charity shops for home things. i will maybe buy ingredients for cake#and i will continue on. i want to make apple cake. and chocolate cake. and i will deal with the eggs as i must
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