#of course the REAL limitation is that I'm not a shapeshifter bc if so I would just be the Boobless Wonder once a month

[shoutyourporpoise]

Just had sort of a brainwave about my own transness and how it relates to my depression which I am going to note here in a jumble.

So every winter my SAD-induced depression smashes into my head with a goddamn mallet and every single time it is world-ending, lie-in-bed, lose-your-passions, no-longer-a-person devastating.

And every spring I get better and am just the kind of depressed where it sucks to exist for a few days a week. Every summer, it decreases to a bout every fortnight or so and by then the last winter is such a distant memory that I go "oh wow maybe I'm better for good maybe I get to be someone who used to have REALLY BAD depression and that period of my life will be a distant memory." Winter comes, mallet to head, lather, rinse, repeat.

What this means is I'm like. Not medicated. I am either so depressed I can't do anything or I'm so much better that doing anything to address it seems pointless. And yet, I am still quite comfortable describing myself as someone who experiences depression even in summer when it's just a passing issue.

...

So. I have self-described as some type of nonbinary since my very early twenties, but refused to claim transness for myself until around 2020, because it felt like I was trivializing other trans folks' experiences by grouping myself in despite my milder issues. And even now, I told myself "yeah I'm trans but I'm not like...trans trans like it would be absurd for me to expect other people to see me as anything other than an ally given how cis I come off." And it, like just occurred to me how fucking weird that is especially given how I interface with my own depression.

Like oh yeah it's fine IT'S FINE!! It's just that whenever I get my period, I feel such an overwhelming crush of dysphoria over my chest that I start earnestly looking into how to establish that it gives me a poor quality of life so I can get insurance to cover a breast reduction. Yeah, yeah, I've had the page for aesthetic flat closures bookmarked for a minute I uh. Like looking at the options. When I was a child I dreamed of being told I was at risk for breast cancer so I'd have to have a preventative double mastectomy to save my life. When I picture myself in my 40s I have top surgery scars and am shaped like an egg and I'm loving it.

...but it only gets like. THAT BAD once a menstrual cycle. The rest of the time I'm "just" nonbinary and feel extremely angry when someone only refers to me as a woman. I haven't actually pulled the trigger on any possible breast reduction options. So I've been telling myself that this cannot be a trans experience because I apparently don't want it badly enough. Like I'm lucky, I have the savings to cover this type of surgery if I want to and while it'll be a significant dent in my savings I wouldn't actually go into debt over it.

But there are always things that money could go towards. A house. A wedding. An egg to sit on in case there's a rainy day/month/year and we need funds to keep the home afloat. Surgery is scary and I just had one last year and while I recovered well I still get the occasional ache that reminds me of the injury and do I want that in my chest forever? What if getting top surgery messes up my cool trans sternum tat? What if I hate it?

What if people ask me why I did it and I can't hide behind this weird fairytale that I've constructed since I was a child wherein I had breast cancer and they had to get rid of my breasts to save my life and I'll instead have to tell them the truth -- that once a month or so my breasts gave me such anguish...that they had to get rid of them to save my life?

Excuses, excuses. I always have them, for why I can't do this thing that I have dreamed about on some level since I was 9. And it's possible that won't change, but in the meantime is it fair for me to continue to deny that what I am experiencing is transness? That a profound desire to be regarded by all as a genderfluid creature coupled with an equally fluid desire to modify my body to match isn't just like. A trans experience?

[rocksanddeadflowers]

hi i like sending asks. what superpower would you like and why /nf

well I always thought shape-shifting would be pretty cool depending on the limitations (although I'm not sure I could handle the emotional weight and turmoil of being a shape shifter...)

shape shifting without limitations feels kind op. bc it can possibly just come with all the other powers I want.

breath under water? grow the right gills or turn into the right fish or hell turn into a mermaid

fly? grow wings or turn into a bird or pixie or something

invisibility? camouflage yourself like a chameleon or turn into something too tiny to see easily (not as full proof as legit invisibility, I know, but it can work in a pinch)

also seems like a very good skill for an anti hero arc. you committing a crime? just make sure to never use your on face when doing it, and it's pretty hard to get caught if you shapeshift into a fly when things go south.

also nice for body/gender dysphoria bc you can just change all the little things that bug you. more hair or no hair. boobs or no boobs. hell you can creature-ify yourself, you're not stuck as a human anymore if you don't wish it. whatever you feel day to day. ...of course shapeshifting could make this worse possibly because what if you loss yourself? can you even remember what you looked like before? sure, people change all the time. last night I found a bunch of videos of me from two-three years ago and I never realize just how much weight I lost when I got covid, or how long my hair really used to be. it was surreal to see the changes, even the mannerisms and energy I had in those videos felt so different to who I am now. but that was out of my control, wasn't it? and even if I changed some on purpose, like my hair, most changes are gradual, natural, especially the big ones. but shapeshifting... what if you loss you grip. your face slips. is it yours anymore? that photo was from last week, why doesn't it look like you? you were using your real face there. but it looks different every time. it doesn’t make sense. your height, your weight, the small shapes of jaw lines and cellulite never match anymore. what did the original you look like? no photo or video will capture the entirety of you then. how many changes were a natural response to time and age, and how many were born of my forgetfulness? am I even controlling my face now? should I have to?

it also seems like the perfect way to dissappear into the woods as a cryptid! you always come off as eerie and inhuman, you have all the self defense you need with your claws and teeth, you're not human anymore! will anyone ever get close to you to know what you once were? or do you hide in your little cottage forever? who knows! but mary from town (you know, the baker) saw you buying yarn last week and she's still shaking after she saw the look in your eyes. next time you were sunglasses. since when does a shapeshifter need to hide under things?

thanks for the ask ! :)