#of course b is like coming from a healthy Nol who has has dealt with his hurdles and maybe Alyssa's past would be revealed well before that

[trashlie]

Nol & Alyssa’s Past

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about what happens when Nol and co find out about Alyssa’s past with Shinae. I, and I think a lot of fandom, have kind of always assumed that it will cast her in a bad light and could be a big breaking point for Nol, assuming he’s still with her. It would especially be jarring for Dieter and Soushi to learn, because they seem to have enjoyed her companionship (feels weird to call it friendship lol) in the past - especially Soushi who has always seemed to harbor a crush on her. Nol finding out that his girlfriend was entangled in a bad way with Shinae in the past and neither told him seems like the kind of thing that would upset him -- which got me thinking. 

Firstly I think it’s important to acknowledge that when it’s revealed and the circumstances really matter. The closer to the current point of the story, I think the worst it could blow up, but this is just because of the thoughts I’m about to ramble about. I think we already will see some contention between with Nolyssa based on his guilty verdict, depending on if it’s ever leaked that they’re together, but that’s a whole other matter. Nol right now is still somewhat rash and emotionally reactive and I think learning about their altercation - and that they kept it from him - would be upsetting, and it’d be like he’s learning about a side of Alyssa he never knew about (or maybe that he ignored). 

Even though Nol has made it clear he’s walking away from his friends, how much would he care that someone he’s dating hurt someone he clearly cares a lot about? Some might argue that Nol cares more about Shinae and his friends than he does Alyssa, so would he be able to stomach being with someone like that? 

It’s very important to note that we also this way because we view the altercation through Shinae’s memories. Even thinking of it as an accident (which, for the record, I think it is; I don’t think Alyssa at all intended to hurt Shinae), we know that she had already turned on Shinae to fit in and we know the ramifications of that fall. Even though it was an accident, it left Shinae with a vast, physical scar and heaps of trauma she’s yet to work through. We also can believe, as we’ve been given no indication otherwise, that Alyssa never actually apologized to Shinae. Part of Shinae’s trauma with that is that she herself never gained closure - she doesn’t know why Alyssa treated her like that and she has insecure and fearful feelings regarding the incident in her memory. If Alyssa never apologized, Shinae never made peace, and she never really moved on. This is really evident during the Black and White Formal Arc, when Shinae comes face to face with Alyssa for the first time. Shinae’s uncomfortable unease and attempts to ignore the elephant in the room just feel so much like she never resolved her feelings. Later, when Maya and Shinae go shopping, Shinae spots Alyssa on a coffee ad and there’s no feelings of anger - which would be well and good had Shinae confronted those feelings already, but she hasn’t. She continues to compartmentalize and shove her feelings away to fester, rather than face them the ugliness that comes with.

As readers, we know this, so we are inclined to dislike Alyssa for this. We also bear witness to her wishy-washiness, the way she has treated Nol, we are aware that she is a person who operates first and foremost for her own personal gain and that sometimes this has hurt other people. 

I point this out because it leads me to my main question: how would Nol actually feel to learn this piece of history? He once said he can’t expect his girlfriend and his friends to actually be friends - but he doesn’t really know how far from it is he is. 

I think as readers we want to believe that Nol would defend Shinae. Even if he doesn’t say it, it is very clear that Shinae means a lot to him and that her friendship is not something easy for him to let go of, and that it’s because he truly does not believe himself worthy of people’s friendship and that he can only drag them down that he does. Which is what actually got me thinking... as someone who thinks lowly of himself, who believes he has caused at least two incidents of trauma, as someone who literally created a whole persona and hid so many truths from his own friends... would Nol actually see Alyssa in a bad light? 

This is what I mean by I think this depends on when and how Nol learns of their history. If it comes out later, when he’s a little more mature, when he’s maybe come out on the other side of this whole jail thing, when maybe he’s been able to change his image, he could look back on his own past and go ah... sometimes we make mistakes but those mistakes do not define us, we can still become better versions of ourselves. (Of course maybe by such a time Nol would have grown and learned that the things he blames himself for never were his to blame but regardless, I think that sentiment would remain.) It’s debatable if Nol and Alyssa would ever be together still in such a point in the future, but this whole thing is hypothetical anyway. 

I’m not saying that in the future he WOULD think this way, but rather, I think there’s potential for it. Often, the characters do not react the ways we immediately expect them to. We like to think that Nol, a person who believes people should be treated fairly, would be upset to learn about the kind of person Alyssa has been. But... doesn’t Nol kind of already know? He knows why Alyssa is with him. He’s watched her dance with famous men when she’s too tired to dance with him. He’s watched her brown-nose a woman who instills actual fear in him. Nol knows all of this and he’s still with Alyssa for the sake of their agreement. And given that he already thinks of himself as a person who has made mistakes, I think there’s even a possibility that he might think he even suits someone like her. 

This doesn’t rule out the possibility that he’d be upset to find out about this, of course! More upsetting than Alyssa causing such a serious injury would probably be how she responded to it - that, as far as we know, she never made amends and how she treated Shinae when they first met up, as if they used to be such good friends and nothing at all ever happened (because she clearly was trying to save her image). Beyond that, he feels immense guilt for Shinae’s fall in the pool, and is haunted by that, with the fear that he will only hurt those he cares about, so Shinae’s side of things could sway him more. It’s one thing to cause an accident - he believes he did, too - but another thing to be the cause of so much trauma for Shinae, to be the reason it was so difficult for her to open up and trust people treat herself with patience and kindness. Granted, Nol isn’t necessarily likely to know these things, so maybe thtat’s a moot point. 

Anyway this is very rambly but I thought it kind of interesting to explore this thought and how I don’t think we ever consider much the likelihood that Nol’s own situation and experiences very well could give him a different reaction to that news than we expect. I’m curious to hear what other people think, though! 

(Going to try to post a shorter more concise version of this to reddit lmao so enjoy this ridiculously long post, it’s been a while lol)