#obviously i didn't go through since i'm a sentimental dumbass and all my profiles are still up and running
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#last night i had a pretty intense episode of intrusive thoughts and i almost deleted all my social media#including irl and private stuff used to contact family members and friends#obviously i didn't go through since i'm a sentimental dumbass and all my profiles are still up and running#and i'm glad i went to sleep instead of doing it because i know i would probably be regretting it now otherwise#and the gross disgusting feelings and thoughts have subsided a little by the time i woke up so they are bearable now#having depression for over eight years is really just calling your brain a bitch every time it produces an intrusive though huh#wishing for someone to reach out to me would be completely hypocritical because god knows i can't reach out to anyone right now#i'm a little tired of exaggerated optimism and the whole it-could-be-worse mindset#it works short term but not so much when you're cracking under pressure of self-imposed perfection#and watching people who (quote unquote) have it worse manage way better#i mean i'm physically somewhat healthy i can easily memorise an lot of information in a short time and i draw connections quickly#so i should by all logic be doing just fine instead of failing every class not doing coursework and crying at least three times a week#i somewhat regret enrolling psychology by now because i've always been passionate about it and i wanted to help other people out#but now that my mental health is in shambles i don't feel like i deserve to preach what you should and shouldn't do#and as much as i hate to admit it i've been heavily considering offing myself lately#basically for attention because i thought that my crappy mental state would be taken somewhat seriously now that my grades have plummeted#but since that obviously didn't happen this is the only solution that this dysfunctional clusterfuck that calls itself a brain is providing#i'm rambling by now fuck#thank yous to whoever had read through this and sorry you had to meet me during one of the worst periods in my life#obviously i'm a rational person and i've been dealing with this for years#only this time i don't feel like i'm allowed to vent to my friends because we've grown a little distant overtime#and i don't want to be that one friend who only calls you to dump a load of negative stuff on you#so i have to find a different outlet#sorry again#vent#i'll probably private this at some point#i just need to have it out right now for a while...
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