#obv she's a horrible person & all but frankly was I in a situation like that I think I'd eat my own organs

[ghostblogging]

y'know it almost certainly has been said before and trans AUs are played out but I genuinely thinking making Zuko trans would add so much to his character and play off the family dynamics in ways that would both take his whole arc in fascinating directions and also slot in so perfectly

[tardispowered]

Doctor Who Book Review: Only Human

Summary

Non-Spoilery Review: Absolute garbage.

Spoilers Below the cut.

To put it simply, this book was a mess. The writing was good in that it flowed well. In that the dialogue was clever and there were times when I laughed. There were moments when it almost reached something profound. Where I thought it would examine something interesting. It never did, but the potential was there. It could have been a lot better. But it’s not the wasted potential that annoys me the most. Not even the skewed characterization of everyone besides Rose. And even she had moments where I had to squint. No. It’s the hateful bits that really got me, written under the name of comedy.

But let’s break this down one thing at a time.

Plot: An absolute mess, especially as it went on. It was easy enough to follow from point A to point B, but there was both too much and too little going on. You had caveman Das who was transported to te modern day and has to stay because …reasons. You had Jack who had to stay with him.

You had Noble Savages Neanderthals where were just as Smart as the Humans but didn’t Lie so you knew they were Good. (Not that you see any more of them beyond the Noble Savage part  save for Das who became ‘civilized’ so it’s all right then) You had the primitive  Humans who will eventually be Evil and Wipe Out all the Neanderthals because that’s humanity for you. Also Rose marries into them…for reasons.

You have the time traveling humans living in this time period with them. Oh and also they have restricted emotions because emotions bad… Oh and one of them is evil and creating the perfect Humans called Hy-Bractor…who just do whatever she says and also eat people. (no comment on how the perfect human is perfectly subservient). You have Quillien who is a time traveler who refuses to express his emotions and is ostensibly the hero of the story…and does fuck all to earn it…

All of this in a little over 200 pages.

You also got a book that tried really hard to be a light and frothy adventure that dipped a bit into the Tim Burton well for no reason whatever near the end. Other than to be…well it’s a cool visual I guess. Chantal opens 9 up and does some surgical stuff. Cool imagery I guess. Nothing really comes of it. Rose is decapitated for a while? Cool imagery I guess. She’s not too too bothered.

And I mean, hey, there’s nothing wrong with a light and frothy adventure.

But it would be even better if it wasn’t A] Mean spirited as hell and B| kept characters in freaking character.

Let’s tackle B first… because whoo boy.

The Doctor

The weirdest thing is that 9 doesn’t sound too different than he should. His voice is in place. His mannerisms are in place. And then he drops words like ‘copping’ (which is UK slang for getting together yeah yeah yeah. Though at least somewhat innocent in that context) and says at one point: ‘tough titty.’

I just

I am still not over that one, frankly.

Tough titty.

Really?

Also his underlying sadness and grief that is very much a part of his character with the beginning is only touched on briefly (and cheaply). Now, I’m not saying that every 9 book has to be a slog in the Marsh of Sad, but the only mention of it is when he gets the Mood Lifter pills and is like: “Yeah my planet blew up and I used to be sad about but I’m not for some reason”

OH GEE. Glad the Time War wasn’t a BIG FREAKING DEAL that severely impacted your personality or anything. Whew!

(also apparently these mood lifters also act as mind control? Which isn’t very well explained and seems to suggest that if you feel good and blasé you’ll automatically listen to what the controller says which…what?)

Also he gooses someone to get a reaction out of them—which is just no. I can’t imagine any Doctor doing that, let alone 9. Especially not in that context.

When Rose gets married to the caveman Tillun…for reasons… and the Doctor takes her away, Tillun tries to attack and 9 basically trips him to the ground and the Doctor says something broadly like: It sucks to be used. Doesn’t it? You’ll get over it. And later Rose says the Doctor enjoyed doing that and it’s implied that he did.

And yeah 9 can be a little bit show-offy when faced with a rival to Rose’s affection. Like with Jack (who was kind of too full of himself) and Adam (who was definitely too full of himself) But aside from attacking 9, Tillun was a pretty ok guy. Rose seemed to like him.

I mean, 9 or hell, even Rose. Why not go out on a limb? Could just talk to him and convince him that they were asking the right thing. Tillun could have gotten more characterization and so could they. It could have been a negotiation and an understanding rather than just violence. But I mean the Doctor is cooler tripping someone to the ground and showing his badassitude.

Also he somehow makes the humans temporarily able to breathe fire to fight back against the newly created Hy-Bractor and nearly wipes out the entire species but isn’t too worried about it. Like obvs 9 has no problem with genocide. Even of a violent species out to kill him. It’s not like Rose convinced him to save a dalek or anything. Also good thing they Hy-Bractors have nothing more complex beyond basic emotions or personalities so we don’t have to feel bad for them dying.

Lucky us. 8|

Rose

I  thought Rose was pretty alright. She was actually the most solidly characterized even if there were parts where I was like ….wut? For instance she found Tillun hot because he was fit (which is understandable) and thought he had kissable floppy hair. I mean… this is a time before basic hygiene. I am not sure that his hair would be all that kissable. Just saying. Oh and for some reason she keeps thinking Quillien is a lech even though he doesn’t do a damn thing to her. But then when she decides to get married to convince the idiots to save themselves, she ends up in the equivalent of a fur bikini (because of course she does) and Quillien gives her a lusty stare (because of course he does) and it’s just kind of brushed aside.

Yeahh…that’s great.

Wonderful.

Just what a 9th Doctor book needs honestly 8|

 Jack

Basically, the story had no idea what to do with Jack and it shows. He’s just packaged off to look after Das, a caveman shunted forward into the present day. And he doesn’t do much but report on what Das is doing. And I mean it isn’t great, but it isn’t horrible—

Well it wasn’t horrible. Until Anna Marie.

Das likes Anna Marie. She’s attractive to him. She’s short and fat and has facial hair and a big nose, and doesn’t laugh much. Oh and her friends call her, and I quote: “Big Fat Anna Marie No Mates.”

Because it’s FUNNY. Because she’s UNATTRACTIVE. Ha ha. The Neanderthal likes the seriously ugly girl. Let’s all laugh at this side-splitting situation.

And that would be bad enough—but Jack is so damn judge-y about it too.

Jack.

Jack.

He would sleep with a yeti if it took him out for coffee and yet oh no god forbid a girl is short and fat and hairy. She’s obviously a Neanderthal. And he keeps shaking his head like how could Das like her. Ew.

But it’s a JOKE. HUMOR. HA HA

Thanks, I hate it 8|

And since we’re segueing into it, when Das said he wanted to marry Anna Marie, her father cried because he thought she’d never find someone not like her stick thin conventionally attractive sister.

It doesn’t matter if Anna Marie finds Das attractive or not. We never find out. But she doesn’t matter as a person. All she matters is as the butt of a joke. But look she’s happy so it’s okay. Only she’s happy because it’s implied no one else will give her the time of day because she’s so ugly. And it’s apparently okay to call her out on it because God Forbid she not be fuckable. It doesn’t matter what her personality is. Doesn’t matter what her hopes and fears are. Her talents and her flaws. Just that she has facial hair and so is basically worthless so she should thank god this Neanderthal came along and wanted her otherwise she’d really be useless.

Also, it was pointed out that her family is Irish. Which, granted I am not from the UK but this feels particularly racist to me.

Because yes, this is the kind of story we want from the 9th Doctor. The Doctor who struggled to cover up depression. Who did the hard thing because he thought it was the right thing. Who cared about people.

More than that, the Doctor that was played by Christopher Eccleston who fought to keep his Manchester Accent. To make the initial run of DW like it was. Rose was a chav. It didn’t matter. The Doctor was rough around the edges and didn’t speak in Received Pronunciation. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was they were who they were. They were worthy of love and respect. Rose didn’t have to be super intelligent to fly with the Doctor. The Doctor didn’t have to sound like he fell from London to be the Doctor. And, more than anything, that is who the 9th Doctor is and should be.

So no. No. There is so much more wrong with this book (like a particularly egregious cult of the Doctor moment) but I am not giving it any more of my time. It’s not in my headcanon. I don’t want it anywhere near me.

I give it half a star for decent writing but beyond that it can die in a fire.