#obsessed with her picking out this gay shirt for a double date with her crush she hasn't seen in 5 years

[gl-saveme]

You're getting this worked up just for a dinner with a girl?

Meena Rina as Captain Jiw in Petrichor Ep 1

[werelesbian]

Lesbian has been a word that has been negatively used since I was a child. When I was a little kid I was told “You can’t be gay or marry outside of your own race” by my father. I must’ve bottled that up for years. I’ve always looked at girls since I was a kid. I remember one of my earliest memories being from when I was about 7 and thinking a lady with a green shirt was really pretty. I also always remember staring at boobs and butts, A LOT. I always had an interest in girls, I just didn’t realize it.

When sexuality became to become known, one of my friends came out as bisexual and I flipped out. Being gay was always seen as bad to my family and thus I had to follow it. When “I Kissed a Girl”, “She Keeps Me Warm” and “Same Love” were on the radio, I became very anxious and changed the pronouns to prove I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be gay right? Even though I have looked at girls before and I remember staring at my friend’s brother’s ceiling with a picture of a woman in a bikini.and being mesmerized by it.

As I got older, the concept of being gay became normalized to me. I came out as pansexual because that’s what I thought I was at the time. I maybe had one “crush” on a boy, but more numerous ones on girls. My friend, a camp counselor, and my mom’s friend’s daughter.

High school finally rolled around and I went through my first stage of questioning. I cycled through labels until I came to bisexual. That’s what I believed to be best. Then the crushes on girls flooded in. The first crush I recognized I had on a girl was my friend’s ex girlfriend. I wanted her! But when my friend asked her out I was crushed. “Oh well I thought, I’ll have to live with it”. I tried to third wheel in their relationship, probably due to lingering feelings. Then I developed a crush on another girl, a good friend of mine. I asked her out to TOLO, but she said no and I cried. Straight girls cry when they get rejected by girls right? I almost asked a guy friend of mine as a rebound but then decided against it.

Later on since both of my friends were dating, I decided that I should to. I chose a guy who I thought was ‘cute’ and we went out a few times. He even asked me to homecoming the next year where he kissed me. I felt nothing by it and very awkward. Him and I went out again a few more times but I didn’t really feel much for him. I liked the kissing somewhat but that was about it. I think I was more excited by feeling rebellious. My friends pushed the label of ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ onto us, but it was awkward. But I still went along with it.

At the beginning of sophmore year, I had to attend eating disorder treatment and I was drawn to another girl there. She was so cool and I wanted to be close to her and spend time with her. Too bad nothing ever came of it. That same year however, I also developed a crush on another girl in my French class. When she walked in, it was like time slowed down, I was SO attracted to her. We even sat next to each other in class and boy, did she make me nervous. I felt things that were different than even being with that guy I was with. Even seeing her years later, my eyes still were drawn to her like a damn magnet. She was gorgeous.

In junior year, my friends began to have sex and lose their virginities. I felt left behind and wanted to fit in. There was always a craving for it, especially since I always felt ‘different’ and left out, even since I was a kid. I was bullied too and with a sweet blend of my low self esteem and depression, I followed trends. This was just another one of them. I made a ‘pact’ with myself that year to get a boyfriend for the sole purpose to lose my virginity and I did. I also developed a weird obsession with two guys that year. I dressed up and daydreamed scenarios in my head of them liking me. I wanted them to want me, but I’m not sure if I wanted them. But I also did end up achieving my goal that year. I got the boyfriend and lost my virginity. I did what I had to do. Even though it was awkward and I felt numb after it. It resulted in me having 2 months of extreme anxiety due to a fear of being pregnant.

In the relationship, I didn’t feel much, or not at all for the guy. I leaned on him for support due to my dysfunctional family. It was an escape. I eventually broke it off with him and got over the relationship within a week. This started a cycle of waiting for the next boyfriend to come around. The next one eventually did. He was nice and cared for me. He pursued me first and I went with it. I’m glad I didn’t have to have sex with him. It was the easiest relationship I was in because we were more like friends and less like lovers. Then we broke up and I got over him within a week. Rinse and repeat.

The last boyfriend I dated for nine months and I believed at one point I loved him. He cared for me and had a nice family I could escape to, when mine was falling apart at the seams. I craved the ‘nuclear family’ unit since I never had in the start. I felt accepted and safe there when I didn’t want to go home to mine. His companionship was nice and all, but I know deep down I didn’t care for him the way he cared for me. He loved me, but I didn’t love him. He wanted to escalate the relationship to the next level and an alarm bell went off in my head. It was a major “NO” to be but I tried to ignore it and said “maybe” to him. I often went along for the ride and never followed what I wanted. We eventually broke up after we were drifting apart. I began to crave sex less and began to hate doing anything with his penis. I tried my best to avoid having penetration and was relieved when we didn’t have to do it. I was so scared of getting pregnant, but deep down it may have been my body telling me that it wasn’t right. I was also relieved when I didn’t have to see him as much. I wanted to be away from him and felt relief when I broke up with him. It took me about a week to get over him.

The cycle almost began again when another guy pursued me but I wasn’t into it. He wanted to go out with me again and I panicked. I didn’t want to see him. All this time when I was dating boys, my sexuality was really repressed but it surfaced in cracks. I’d often create characters who were LGBT+ and the ones I was most obsessed with were often bisexual or lesbian. Most characters I created were never straight, but I turned them so because of my own internalized homophobia. I dealt with it a lot for two years and even showed discontentment with others who were openly queer. I think it was because I myself deep down knew I was like them but was afraid to be ‘different’ due to backlash. I had crafted and dressed myself in a way to be palatable to the opposite sex. I had this deep craving to ‘fit in’, so much so that I neglected my own sexuality and in a way a part of myself.

This year, I met another girl who I fell for. I began to crush hard on her and fell head over heels for her. She made me feel good about myself for once in my life. She was beautiful, kind, smart and had a wicked sense of humor. She was like a dream to me. She was my catalyst. I wanted to kiss her and hold her close. We fell asleep on the phone with each other every night and spend hours talking to each other. It was like two peas in a pod we clicked so well. I also craved her touch, her body, her skin against mine, what her lips felt like. I took notice of the little things in her from the curve of her jaw to the color of her eyes. I wrote her letters and picked flowers that I wanted her to see. I wanted to talk to her all the time.

Although our relationship was short, I will forever thank her for lighting the fire again of my sexuality. When I began talking to her, I began to take notice of girls so much more. My gaze averted from that I had learned to that of what I wanted. Pretty girls made me so nervous and I felt like my damn 14 year old self again. It was like being a kid in a candy store, I was so damn happy! I even bought pride merchandise for the first time in forever. I was okay with being gay. However, I should have never brought it up with any of my family. They said that they’d like me to end up with a boy, asked if I have talked to any boys yet, said I haven’t found the right guy, I’m just x sexuality, etc.

Now I’m scared once again and want to go back into the closet. I’m keeping this close to me. It’s my dirty little secret I guess. Questioning doesn’t help either. I doubt myself all the time and ‘test’ myself to see if I am attracted to men. I feel as if I have to ‘double-check’ to see if I am truly gay. It’s the damn doubt all over again. I also punish myself if I look at girls in a sexual way. Girls in the past thought I had touched them and I felt like a dirty pervert, hell my friend even thinks so. It’s hard for me to allow myself to like women again. I don’t want to be seen as a predator or trying to use them as an experiment. I just want a girl to love and give my all to. I want to be the best damn person I can be for my future girlfriend/wife and I’ll be damned if I can’t do that.

All of this questioning process is so confusing. Am I a lesbian? Am I bi? Maybe I’m just a straight girl in denial doing this because I’m lonely. Fuck who knows. I just know that after being with a woman, I sure as hell don’t want to go back. My attraction to men has regressed. Maybe I’m in a bi-cycle, or maybe it’s my lesbian awakening. Only time will tell. Most queer women I have talked to agree that I am a lesbian. When I call myself gay or lesbian. It makes me feel good, but I feel as if I have to resort to bisexual just in case “Mr. Right” comes along. But he probably never will. In fact, he probably never existed.

I’ve had elaborate fantasies about romance but I never saw a clear face of who the “man” was supposed to be. When I fantasize about sex, I was never there unless it was with another woman, never a man. Another woman always took that place and I’d view it from third person, like watching porn. Women light a fire in me that men do not. I’ve gotten turned on by their bodies and touch in a way that I haven’t with guys. Hell if I know why, but I do. Maybe I really am just gay and that’s okay. Maybe I am a lesbian after all. The word isn’t so “dirty” anymore.

Reading back over this reflection from how I feel about my sexuality back in august, it still really rings true to how I feel. I know I experienced attraction to men in the past, but now I feel more attracted to women more than anything. I hate how my brain tries to make me think that this will all be temporary and I will go back to a straight lifestyle eventually, but deep down I know this is what I want. Not going to lie, I don’t like talking about sexuality with anyone irl other than some of my own friends who also experienced the same thing. I tend to keep things under lock and key because I don’t want people to know about my bisexuality. I can’t change who I am yet I continue to try and disprove that I am attracted to women and try to prove that I am more attracted to men despite not really feeling that way anymore. My sexuality isn’t “fluid”, but my preferences have changed. I just wanna be with a woman possibly in the long run and if I never experience any attraction to a man again, nothing is lost for me. I tend not really to go out of my way to interact with men other than friendships just because it’s not something that I necessarily care for. I just gravitate towards spending time with other women and idk why. I know that’s not indicative of my sexuality or anything. Nothing is indicative of it other than who’ve I’ve been attracted to which is women and men. I hate being bisexual too if I’m going to be honest. There’s no basis for my attraction and experiences vary so wildly that I can’t always relate to anyone but go off what I feel.

Maybe some of the way I act is performative because I wanna escape the idea of being with a man. Maybe if I find the “perfect man”, I can learn to be with him and spend my life with him indefinitely. But that relationship with a man just seems so...unsatisfying. I just can’t do it. With women though, I think I can be with one in the long run. I have my own fears of actually not liking it or that I’m gonna react in a similar way to when I was with men in that something felt off all the time, but I’m unsure if that will happen. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to fall in love with a woman or want to spend my life with one. This all sounds very contradictory I know but this is me getting out my own thoughts. I honestly don’t think I want to be with men again. Does this make me a febfem? Maybe, but I also know that a woman just sounds right to me.

[sombreboy]

Love Maze »15

Previous  » Next Series Masterlist ▎ 18+ ▎ pairing: Taehyung x Jungkook ▎ genre: School AU, crack humor, smut, angst, ETL, slow burn, fluff. ▎ word count: 8.1k ▎ ch.warnings: cursing, homophobic slurs (censored), angst, they have another argument smh these boys never catch a fucking break

Co-writer: @velvetwicebang​​​ ♡♡♡

The early morning’s blinding rays invited themselves in through the curtain cracks in Jungkook’s bedroom, landing on a sleeping Taehyung’s puffy face.

The elder’s distracting snoring bounced off the walls of the room, not bothersome to him as he peacefully slept through the noise. Honestly, it was a surprise how much Jungkook was immune to the sound..

The one noise that always did manage to wake Taehyung up, however, was the familiar ringing of that goddamn alarm clock.

As per usual, Tae went through his daily routine consisting of whining about how he’d been pulled out of his slumber, begging Jungkook for a few more minutes, cursing out early morning practices.. same old.

“I’m gonna skip out on showering this morning..” Taehyung drowsily mumbled into the pillow, desperately seeking for a few extra minutes. His body was sore, and Taehyung was one of those people who needed eight hours of sleep.

“Wake me up when you’re done, will you?” A small pause, followed by a raspy, “I love youu~”

Jungkook drowsily turned off the alarm before groaning, for once he didn't actually want to leave his bed.

''You sure?'' he sat up properly, hand reaching over to stroke the elders back carefully, the sudden verbal affection from his boyfriend still surprising-- yet welcomed. It was something the younger needed a little time to get used to, and it made his chest flutter every single time.

''Love you too~'' He cooed back, giving Tae's ass a soft pat before getting out of bed, completely naked from last night. he rummaged through his closet for some clean clothes, stretching the joints in his body before slowly heading towards the bathroom.

Jungkook winced lightly when the hot water hit the scratches on his back, but quickly got used to it as he stood there for a while, washing up and losing himself in his thoughts, everything from what had happened yesterday to Jisoo. He really owed her an apology for not coming back...

When finished, Kook ruffled his wet hair before patting his body mostly dry and throwing on his boxers and sweatpants-- leaving the shirt off to head back to his bedroom. He walks over to the small mirror hanging on the wall, turning his back towards it to check out his back.

''Wow you've got some claws.'' He chuckled before crawling up on the bed to lay down next to Tae again, nuzzling his nose into the elders hair, ''Wake uuup....~''

Taehyung slothfully stirred in his spot, groaning out in groggy distaste when he felt the bed dip, signaling that his boyfriend was out of the shower.

“Yah..” He turned his head to the side, cheek pressed against the pillow whilst his eyelids hung barely open, “you yourself said I have some claws, don’t make me use them..”

Tae contemplated life for a few more seconds before giving in to his boyfriend’s soft pleads, sitting up on the bed with a loud yawn, hands busy rubbing the fatigue out of his eyes.

God, school hadn’t even started and the elder was already dreading stepping into those halls.

''Maybe I liked it..'' Jungkook wrapped his arms around Taehyung to pull him closer into a hug, pecking kisses against his cheeks to annoy him in his sleepy state.

''We have to get ready, like, right now!'' He pressed one last kiss on his lips before getting off the bed, grabbing a snug, black long sleeve to pull over his torso.

Taehyung slowly made his way out of bed, butt-naked as he searched for last night’s clothes.

Thankfully they’ve dried up quite a bit, but the rain’s aroma still lingered in the fabrics.

The elder wasn’t especially thrilled to waltz into school looking.. like, well, put together.

But he didn’t want to bother Jungkook, so black, tight jeans would have to do.

Tae stared at his reflection in the mirror, quickly running his fingers through the waves. He grimaced, nothing seemed to tame the wild curls.

“Fuck it.. let’s go,” the elder fished for the keys in his pocket, throwing on his shoes— double-knotting the laces like always.

Once he got in his car, Taehyung nearly had a heart attack.

That goddamn stuffed animal. It was smiling at him through the rear view mirror.

Shit, he still didn’t know what to do with it.. did Jungkook still want it? Does he throw it in the dumper?

Maybe he’d give it to Jisoo, something told him that Yuna would love it..

Jungkook quickly followed, ignoring the fact that the bear was mockingly smiling at him as well as he sat down. He clicked the seatbelt on before patting Taehyung's thigh reassuringly.

"Don't worry too much. I'm not angry anymore, okay?" He nudges his chin towards the bear.

"I don't really want it...." he felt kind of bad for saying it, but he knew he wouldn't be able to stand staring at it after what it is associated with.

"But we could give it to noona?" He mused-- he still owed her a fucking apology. Maybe this would serve as an apology...

"Anyway...don't worry about that. Let's go." Jungkook sunk into his heat, eyes focusing back ahead.

Taehyung sighed, but nodded nonetheless. He didn’t blame the younger for not wanting to keep the stuffed animal. Truth be told, Tae himself wouldn’t be fully comfortable with seeing its cheery face every time he visited Jungkook’s apartment.

One, it was creepy as fuck. And secondly, it was a mere reminder of his selfish doings.

Taehyung just... he wanted to move past that. He wanted to do better, for his boyfriend.

“Yeah,” he started the car, “noona’s kid would probably like it.”

~

Practice was over in the flutter of an eye— thankfully. Tae didn’t know how much more physical activity he was able to bear with a noticeably sore ass. It was a blessing that he managed to keep his nonchalant facade intact for so long. Trying to act like his boyfriend didn’t just make sweet love to him last night was hard..

Sweaty from working out, Taehyung briskly stripped out of his practice attire, using his jersey to wipe at the dampness on his glistening neck.

“Tae, should I be concerned?,” Hoseok looked, well, concerned.

“What’s up with the giant teddy bear in the back of your car?”

“Yeah, Chim and I saw that too.” Yoongi casually chimed in, pointing over at a half-naked Jimin who was busy typing away on his phone, deaf to the chatter surrounding him.

Taehyung—who was growing annoyed by the topic of that stupid bear— simply brushed it off. “it’s for a friend. She has a little girl, so..”

As if knowing exactly whom it was for, Namjoon defeatedly shrunk in his spot, too much of a wuss to make eye-contact with Jungkook.

He wondered if the younger was still mad..

Sitting in their usual lunch table, they talked about a plethora of topics. However, the newest conversation specifically aimed at Jimin; everyone wanting to know what was keeping the latter so invested.

“What’s got you so hooked on that phone, Chim?”

“More like who..” Hoseok teasingly nudged at his friend’s side, encouraging him to spill it out. Jimin was extremely defiant at first, but his hyung’s loud presence wasn’t something you could just ignore.

“Nothing.. it’s stupid, but— long story short, I downloaded a dating app.”

A series of “oo’s” traveled around the table.

“Oh yeah? Did you meet a girl or something?”

Jimin turned to look at Namjoon, expression so distraught yet.. confident. With a soft exhale, he corrected the elder.

“Actually.. It's a him. His name’s Mino.”

Taehyung abruptly stopped chewing on his cereal, sharing a curt glance with his boyfriend.

“Mino..” Jin pondered out loud, “like the rapper from WINNER?”

“Obviously not, hyung.” The younger rolled his eyes, a bit frightened by the lack of words.

Seeming to notice his distress, Yoongi softly encouraged Jimin to expand on it further— after asking if every single one of his friends were gay.

“I don’t know, we’ve only talked for a few hours.. but he’s really cool. Sweet, too— oh, and he’s also obsessed with strawberries, just like you Tae!”

The boy’s eyes lit up at the topic, obvious to all he had a massive crush.

“Yeah? What else do you know about the guy.” Taehyung took a bite of his strawberry, interested in knowing more.

Finally growing more comfortable, Jimin’s shy smile resurfaced.

“Uhm.. he’s twenty-three, and he teaches little kids. How cute is that? He’s into video games, if I remember correctly.. Animal Crossing is his favorite. Halsey! He enjoys listening to her music... also, he’s really pretty.”

“Damn, Jimin. Just marry the guy already..” Jin snickered.

“Chim’s whipped.”

The subject of the matter pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Am not.. it’s just— ah, he texted me!”

Taehyung snorted in amusement, shaking his head before looking at Jungkook.

“Wish you’d text me more. You’re a horrible texter, you know.”

Jungkook's eyes had been balling back and forth during the conversations, from half-glaring at Namjoon (even if he'd calmed down, honestly--Namjoon was just a clutz. She seemed fine... he hoped.), to his gaze softening at the way Jimin was swooning over his new crush-- a boy, even!... The way his eyes lit up was heartwarming.

Then, during his entire daydream, Taehyungs words burst his little bubble. The younger breathes out a chuckle through his nose, nudging his boyfriend back.

''Why would I text you when you're with me every day?'' He wrapped an arm around Taes shoulder to pull him closer with his strong arm-- from any outsider it would simply look friendly. ''Or do you miss me that bad during class too?''

 Taehyung kept his eyes trained on the tray in-front of him, mindlessly picking at his cereal as a distraction from Jungkook’s hold.

Now that their friends knew about their relationship, they didn’t miss the opportunity to coo at the couple-y sight.

As a natural response, his cheeks got stained with a rosy pop of color. Tae shrugged out of his boyfriend’s grasp, though, a petty attempt to seem unfazed.

“Duh..” He sassed, aggressively munching on his buttered toast.

“Why else would I send ‘everyone here sucks, kinda wish you were here’ texts? And you know how you repay my affection? By leaving me on read.”

Taehyung childishly huffed, coming across as needy for the younger’s attention.

Jungkook withdrew his arm and flashed a toothy grin towards the elder, shrugging as well in response.

''I will reply next time, promise.''

He glanced at the clock, ignoring the repeated cooes from his hyungs.

''Speaking of class, it's almost time to go,'' He nudges his boyfriend once more.

''I'll make sure to check my phone often then, but don't expect me to be glued onto it like Jimin..'' He jokes, the rest of the group snickering-- however Jimin remained unfazed, too caught up in his own little bubble that is his cellphone.

As they all separated to go to their respective classes, Jungkook sat down by his desk, placing his cellphone by his stack of books, only paying the lecture half of his attention as the other half was constantly glancing over at his device. This time he would reply.

A few minutes into the lecture, Taehyung already had his cellphone in his hands.

His boyfriend’s contact was displayed on the screen, a picture he snuck of Jungkook sleeping set as the younger’s profile.

Biting at the corner of his bottom lip, he began typing away, curious to see how fast it’d take Jungkook to reply.

To: Kook🐰🤟🏼 i’m trying to pay attention in class but my ass is still sore 😒 be glad I love your big dick just as much as I love you 😙

Jungkook picked his phone up much quicker than he'd like to admit, swiping the one sided wall of previously sent texts sent by his boyfriend. The last text received made the younger's cheeks flush in pink along with the small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

He immediately began tapping at his screen, a foreign concept to everybody who caught a glance at jungkook in the classroom.

To: Tae🐯💜 Haha... you took it pretty well. Maybe next time you can give me the same treatment🥴 now I can't pay attention either... love you!

The elder chuckled— a bit too loudly, but he brushed it off as a cough.

To: Kook🐰🤟🏼 maybe.. 😏 if you keep replying I might just have to give you a big surprise

Taehyung sat his phone down, but the emptiness in his hands didn’t last long. Soon enough, he was back to texting Jungkook.

Tae wasn’t fully pleased, the sudden drive to see his boyfriend was too overpowering to ignore.

To: Kook🐰🤟🏼 actually, meet me in the secret spot behind the school?? ‘m needy for a kiss

“Uhm, Mrs. Jung?” Everyone’s head swiveled towards Taehyung, “can I use the restroom?”

The elderly teacher seemed to think about it for a while, the creases in her forehead wrinkling even further as she visibly frowned.

“Sure. But be quick.”

The boy nodded, sliding back on his chair before practically jogging out of the classroom, excited to hold his boyfriend.

Jungkook held his promise of replying once, but didn't even bother sending anything else, his phone shoved back into his pocket as he excused himself. As soon as he left the classroom, he too sprinted towards the hidden spot behind the building. If he had this kind of speed during practice, he surely would have been deemed the golden maknae all over again.

Jungkook rocked on his feet as he waited for his boyfriend, actually fishing up his phone for once to send a quick text.

To: Tae🐯💜 I'm here!! come!!! T3T

“Maybe next time I can give you the same treatment, huh?” Taehyung’s cheeky smirk shifted into a genuine smile when he approached Jungkook, teasingly recalling what the younger had sent him over text.

Unable to take the distance for a second longer, Tae ran into his boyfriend’s arms, not wasting any time peppering his face with loud kisses.

Fuck.. Taehyung was the definition of whipped.

Not worried about anyone catching them, the elder slowly drove Jungkook’s back against the rusty wall, lips attached to the younger’s in a gentle kiss.

When he pulled away, Tae’s hooded eyes were drawn to his boyfriend’s face, raking over every little detail.

“You replied,” he broke out into a silly grin, playfully squeezing at Kook’s hips. “You’ve grown~”

Jungkook hummed into the kiss with content, hands reaching up to run his fingers through Tae's messy hair. He obviously didn't even bother fixing it up since last night,

''I kind of get why Jimin can't unglue his phone from his eyes, anticipating a text is dreadful.. I couldn't focus on anything.'' He sighed in a fake dramatic voice, leaning his head back against the wall. His gaze was in complete tunnel vision for his boyfriend, a grin widening on his lips as he proudly announces his terribly awful joke--.

''If you're gonna keep kissing and praising me like that something else will grow.''

Well, it did have some truth in it.

A raspy laugh emitted from the back of Taehyung’s throat, who shook his head in utter disbelief. By the time the hearty sound gradually quieted down, the elder’s tongue swiped over his still swollen lips; which had yet to simmer down from their previous make out session.

“Oh yeah? What else..?”

Taehyung pressed his thigh against Jungkook’s crotch, playing with his boyfriend’s senses whilst he wore a shameless lopsided grin.

“I dunno what you’re talking about.”

He pressed on it harder, somewhat making out the thick shape of the younger’s cock as he faintly moved his leg, practically kneading the spot in between his boyfriend’s legs.

Acting as if he didn’t just do any of that, Taehyung outstretched his arms over his head, holding back his prickling smile.

“The weather’s lovely today, isn’t it?”

 A not so subtle sigh emitted from Jungkook's lips, morphing into a low whine at the way the elders knee massaged his length.

"Oh, fuck off..." he smiled, the light tone of his voice indicating the affection in his curses. His boyfriend surely knew how to tease back-- it must be a revenge from the countless times the younger had teased him first.

"We're gonna end up skipping the entire day if you keep going--" his voice was cut off by another shameless gasp, kooks fingers curling into fists as they grasp Taehyung's shirt to pull him back into a needier kiss, teeth almost clashing together between the heavier breaths, "making me needy" he murmurs his muffled words between their kisses.

Taehyung’s teeth tugged at Jungkook’s bottom lip, lightly nibbling on the soft skin as if asking permission for his tongue to intrude in the pit of warmth. His hands grasp his boyfriend’s waist, roughly manhandling the boy as he pulled him towards his body, deepening his deprived hunger for their kisses.

“Maybe I wanna make you needy.” The elder's velvety voice purred into his ear, one hand placed on the slope of his boyfriend’s nape, drawing him all the more closer.

"But we shouldn't.."

It was too risky, the lust wasn’t worth the hassle.

With a quick glance downwards, Tae’s chuckle rang once more. Their hard-ons were prominently poking at the fabric of their pants and with the little space between them, they inevitably brushed against one another.

“Later tonight. Get ready,” He leaned in to press an innocent kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek, purposely leaning in closer than needed for additional contact, their hardened, clothed cocks pinning together for a teasing second.

“I don’t wanna leavee..” Taehyung groaned in annoyance, finding their alone time to be more entertaining than class.

Jungkook whined in annoyance, a small pout on his lips as his doe eyes stared at Taehyung, "And you call me a tease...." he sighs with a smile, still keeping a tight grip on Taes shirt, hesitant to let go. Eventually, however, he did; instead letting his hands fix Taehyung's mess of a hair once more. Or at least attempt to.

"Let's head back then before I change my mind, I'll drag you to the ground if you even look at me." He scrunch his nose in a giggle, leaning in to kiss his boyfriend on the nose.

Much to their disclosure, they weren’t alone, someone else had been recording their supposedly secret interaction.

What they planned to do with the footage? No one else knew but them. And whatever the outcome was, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

~

The last class of the day was soon done and over with, making Taehyung ecstatic as he hastily packed his things (packing as in shoving his loose pieces of paper in his backpack), aiming towards the door with hurried steps.

Ever since his last interaction with the younger, Tae’s been awfully.. needy.

His sexual hormones were bouncing off the roof, tauntingly chanting ‘Jungkook, Jungkook,’ again and again until that was all he knew.

As Taehyung made his way to the common common area, he shamelessly wondered if his boyfriend would be up for fucking in his crappy car again.

The elder knew he’d said they would wait until tonight, but ‘tonight’ wasn’t right now.

Damn, Tae would love to try out different positions in such a compact space..

It was thrilling.

Oblivious to him, students’ un-welcomed stares dug holes in his back, watching the boy’s every move with utter shock— utter revelation. It was as if they were the camera lens themselves.

There was no way Taehyung was the other guy in the newly surfaced video, right?

Jeon Jungkook was one of them— for sure. He was unknowingly facing the shot, kissing another boy— who appeared to be Tae— with a bunny grin on his beaming face.

The video started with them making out; Jungkook’s doe eyes fluttered shut as Taehyung held him close, head slightly tilted to the side.

The frame zoomed in on the two boys’ comfortable posture, the elder could be seen rubbing his knee against Kook’s crotch, the latter slyly smiling in response.

Then more kissing, Taehyung whispering little things in his boyfriend’s ear..

To wrap things up, the footage cut off at the soft kiss on the elder’s nose, proceeding to zoom in on their tangled hands whilst they walked out of sight.

It was messy.. to everyone else but Taehyung. He waited for Jungkook in the same area as always, brushing off the ill looks thrown his way.

Jungkook hurried from the lecture room as soon as class was dismissed, backpack thrown over one shoulder as he walked in brisk steps through the hallways-- not as oblivious to the drilling looks coming his way. However, he was rather used to it by now-- so it didn't phase him as much as it probably should..

But then again, why? People haven't looked at him that way since he came out... and he rarely checked his phone, so he was completely unknowing of the circling video.

He shrugged it off, heading towards the common area to find his boyfriend idly waiting for him, the younger opted to jog to close the distance between them & nudged Taehyung on the shoulder.

"Hey! Waited long?" He grinned up at Tae, but it quickly faded as he once again noticed the murmurs and looks of basically everybody around them. Jungkook's eyes roamed the room, but decided to let them land back on Taehyung.

"Lets go?" He started to feel weirdly uncomfortable with all the stares, he wanted to get out of there.

As they headed out, a group of guys-- specifically the jocks that had called Jungkook a f*ggot without him knowing to Tae, had started to whistle and throw slurs towards the boys.

"The fairy put you under his spell huh?" One chanted, the others quickly laughing and motioning taking a dick in their mouth, "Hey, Taehyung! Are you the girl or the guy?!" Another snickered.

The more time they spent displayed in the common area like a plague, Taehyung’s natural obliviousness slowly diminished until all he became was hyper aware of his deafening atmosphere. The murmurs were exceptionally quiet, but they hit his ears like breaking glass.

He mindlessly nodded at his boyfriend whilst he challenged the students’ nosy stares with his own, asserting his dominance over the situation as they aimed for the nearest exit.

Unaware of the next obstacle they were going to have to face, Tae hesitantly parted his sealed lips, about to ask Jungkook the burning question they were both thinking— ‘what the hell was that?’— when Kai and his clique approached them with confident strides.

“W-what..?” Very much disoriented, Tae forced out a strained chuckle, “funny..”

The boy tried to play along with their obvious joke, his awkward laughter blending in with the group’s taunting snickers.

“No, dude..” Haechan amusingly corrected, “who takes a dick up the ass? Who’s the girl in the relationship?”

The elder’s chest shriveled up into an uncomfortable knot, and so did his throat as he was barely able to utter back a word.

What..?

“What— what relationship?” He shakily asked, completely disregarding the other foul comment. Glancing over at Jungkook, the look of fright on Taehyung’s face was evident.

“This relationship,” a phone was shoved into their faces, replaying the invasive video that had been going around all day.

It seemed like it would never end..

Taehyung swore he felt his heart drop.

“Uhm—“

“Fucking disgusting if you ask me.”

“N-no.. it’s just..” His breathing was uneven, eyes blown wide as they stared blankly ahead.

Fuck— this was too much too soon.

By now, a small crowd had gathered around them, only adding salt to Taehyung’s aching panic.

“F*ggot!” One of the guys deliberately spat in the elder’s face— not literally, but it sure felt like it.

Tears rushed to the brim of Tae’s eyes, which had yet to decipher into their normal shape.

He was having trouble breathing, clear in the way his chest vigorously heaved in its place. His face was drained of any color, and the buzzing in his ear was getting hard to bear.

Taehyung hadn’t even noticed their close friends had stepped in on their behalf, Yoongi’s vulgar curses sounding like pure gibberish.

He couldn’t move, it was as if he was glued to his place.

Shit, Tae wanted to disappear.

And so did Jungkook. He was frozen in place as he watched the video, their privacy suddenly open for all to see. Not that he was ashamed of them, but because whether this was a secret or not; it was their moment of privacy, invaded.

Kook quickly glanced over at his boyfriend, mouth parting and closing several times as he struggled to find his words, his worry for the elder growing more important than the worry for what everyone else thinks of him.

He wondered what Taehyung felt... even if it was an invasion of their privacy, he seemed ashamed of them. That didn't go unnoticed.

However he decided to shrug it off, instead focusing on getting them the fuck out of there, tugging at Taes arm.

"Come on." He murmured as he pulled the elder with him, grateful for his hyungs shooing everybody away. He'd have to thank them later; but now all he could focus on was taking his boyfriend out of this situation.

After finally being able to pull Taehyung out of his frozen spot, Kook guided him towards a more secluded area next to the school building to wait until the parking lot would be less crowded.

"Hey," Jungkook softly uttered as he cupped Taes cheeks to try to get in contact with him-- he seemed completely out of it. The younger doe eyes were blown wide with concern.

"Hey, it's okay."

Taehyung didn’t believe that for a second.

It wasn’t okay, their relationship was just outed to the whole goddamn school! What.. what if his father finds out one way or another?

What if he gets ridiculed for the rest of his senior year?

The elder forcefully withdrew from the other’s grainy hands, his cheeks beginning to sting from Jungkook’s touch.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” was the first thing Taehyung muttered, gripping at his hair in agitation. “I-I shouldn’t have.. fuck!”

More fresh tears rushed to his eyes, glazing over the anger that was still present, raven fringe shielding the hurt they obtained.

Jungkook took a step back like he'd been punched in the gut by Taehyung's reaction, his hands falling limp to his sides as he stared at the male in front of him. Tae was almost unrecognizable in Kook's eyes.

''Wha-- Tae, calm down...'' He took a breath of his own, as if trying to take his own advice and remain calm.. But it was fucking hard, it felt like Taehyung was shoving the blame on them, or him for this.

Jungkook curled his hands into fists, unsure what to do when his growing uncomfort hurled over him. He wanted to hold Taehyung, but the elder didn't seem to even want to touch Jungkook, acting like his touch was comparable to fire.

''Taehyung, sit down--''

“Yeah,” Tae scoffed, “calm down..” he boldly mocked the younger, jaw tightly clenched in its place out of anger. Finally, he shifted his anxiety-drunken gaze to his boyfriend’s dimmed eyes, nostrils flared up as his overwhelming emotions once again got the best of him.

“What the fuck is that gonna do, Jungkook?!” He roared in the boy’s face, remaining composure unwinding with every barbarous word.

“The damage is already done! Great, we’re the f*ggots of our school now.”

Taehyung breathed out a soft, saddened laugh, running his hand down his face in boiling regret.

Shit, how much he wished he could go back in time and prevent this bullshit from happening.

“Wha— you were facing the camera anyways, why didn’t you notice?!”

'F*ggots of our school.'

Another verbal punch thrown into the younger's gut, causing him to flinch at the mocking tone. Now it was Jungkook's turn to feel his anger slowly boiling up in his veins that were growing prominent in his arms through the hard, clenched fists to his sides, nostrils flaring as he took deep breaths.

''Why are you blaming me?! I didn't see anybody!'' His voice no longer had any sign of worry, instead laced with frustration. What the fuck was going on with the sudden, undeserved hostility?

Jungkook took a step closer to his boyfriend. ''It's not the end of the world!'

Taehyung stumbled back a couple steps, ensuring there was a noted distance between them.

“I know it’s not the goddamn end of your world!” He angrily retorted back. “but for my fucked up.. trashy, hell of a world it is!”

The elder’s brittle voice wavered, the veins in his neck significantly strained.

“Jungkook.. if— if my father finds out..” The corner of his lip twitched at the mere thought of his worst nightmare, curtly snapping his head to the side when he felt his eyes sting with more tears. Sadly, Taehyung feared for his well being whenever he was around that monster. If he found out that his son was dating another guy...

The elder didn’t want to think about the possible consequences.

“This is—“

“Hey! Guys, we were looking for you..” Jimin and Seokjin ran towards them, gradually stopping midway when they made out the tense aura oozing off of the wanted pair.

Their postures were rigid, and judging from the look in Taehyung’s face, things weren’t looking too good.

“You can get a ride from them, right? I’m leaving.” The elder left Jungkook on his own, unbothered to wait for a clear answer before walking off towards his car, the tightness in his chest having yet to cease.

“Jungkook..” Jimin hesitantly reached out for his friend, resting his smaller hand on the younger’s shoulder.

Jungkook was left speechless at the sudden turn of events, again.

He hadn't even been able to process what the fuck had just happened-- just an hour ago they were excited to go home together, and now Taehyung left the younger alone without even a single look.

Kook flinched when he felt Jimin's hand on his shoulder, not even registering that they were there until Tae was out of sight.

''I'm gonna... uh, walk home.''

God knows he needed it.

''Jungkook, no, let us drive you?'' Jimin tried, but he knew it was useless. Their youngest was obviously upset-- for good reason probably, and his much needed space was understandable.

''Nah, just-- I need to go.'' Jungkook sighed, glancing over at the worried looks of his hyungs, ''Thank you.''

Without another word, Jungkook threw his backpack over his shoulder and headed towards his apartment, mind constantly replaying the words thrown at him just mere minutes before.

He stepped inside of his apartment, letting his bag fall to the floor along with his jacket, mindlessly kicking off his shoes before slumping down into his couch with a thud, fishing his phone out. He knew he shouldn't, but he pulled up the video circling on the snapchat stories, seeing peoples terrible commentary to the event. Anything from the overused slurs to mocking the two. But what kook truly focused on was the two men in the video, the zoom of their intertwined hands walking off at the end. It hurt to watch-- because he missed Tae’s touch, the mere memory of Taehyung flinching away from his touch made his chest ache.

Should he text him? Jungkook rarely did.. Or did he need time alone? Fuck, he needed to relax. It's fine, right? Like every other fucking time they fought, they'd bounce back.

Jungkook decided to simply put his phone down and go to bed instead, hoping things would have cooled off by tomorrow.

~

Taehyung disregarded the sound of the familiar alarm, letting him know that it was time to get ready for practice.

He barely slept last night, feeling alienated in his spacious bed. Taehyung had gotten too comfortable with Jungkook, even his own bed felt.. strange, like it wasn’t the right fit. His room— in which he’d spent most of his time hiding— didn’t feel the same, either.

With an unpleased groan, Tae blindly followed the dreadful ring with his ears, finally taking his phone into his hand before putting it on silence.

He didn’t want to get bombarded with judgemental stares during the day. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle it. So.. Taehyung didn’t bother to find out for himself. The elder had barely any energy left in him, proved by the way his eyelids threatened to close with every passing second.

~

Jungkook drowsily turned his alarm off as soon as it rang, arm automatically reaching over out of habit towards the empty space next to him. He sighed deeply. So it wasn't just a fucking dream, then.

He wondered what today would be like.

Hopefully Taehyung had calmed down and rationed things.

But, to the younger's surprise-- Taehyung was nowhere to be seen as he stepped into practice. His eyes roamed the court, craning his neck to find the face he wished to see.

''Hey Kook!'' Jimin chimed, hopping towards his younger friend, ''How are you feeling? Are you okay?''

Jimin put an arm around Kook, leading him towards the anticipating group, their eyes flickering between Jungkook and each other.

''Hey, uh..'' Namjoon began, but was quickly interrupted by Yoongi.

''Where's Taehyung?''

Yoongi flinched at the kick on his shin from Hoseok.

''I, uh...I don't know? I thought he'd be here.'' Jungkook shrugged, masking his obvious worry and frustration. Maybe he just needed more space than Kook thought.

The entire day was dreadful, from enduring all the stares and whispers from what felt like every single student in the school, to attempting to focus in class. It was useless. All he could think about was Taehyung.

Finally, the bell rang-- the younger able to head home, his phone glued to his face on the way. Still radio silence. It wasn't like his boyfriend to go this long without any contact...

When Kook finally got home, he opted to try to send a text:

To: Tae Hey, are you okay?

Jungkook read his text over and over, even added a 'Miss you', but decided to delete that part before hitting send. It was simple, but the least he could do was reach out.

A deep sigh left his lips before he repeated the same routine of worrying, showering, eating a half-assed meal and heading to bed. Tomorrow he'd surely come.

~

Taehyung spent the majority of the day laying under his covers, safely tucked away from his troubles.

The only excuse for his feet to touch the ground was when he needed to use the restroom, or when his stomach audibly protested for its first bite of food.

He’d seen Jungkook initiate a text, but unlike the previous times, he wasn’t extremely eager to answer.

Even the slightest bit of movement was physically draining.

When his father came home, Taehyung had yet to move from his lying position.

Now he had more of a reason to stay put.

He’d fallen asleep soon after, and by the time Taehyung checked his phone, it was 10:34 in the morning.

Fuck.. well, why bother going to school now, right? His first hour class had already passed.

Taehyung didn’t think about sending one of his friends a text, mind too foggy to act unselfish.

They probably weren’t even worried, and with that incorrect thought in his head, Tae fell back asleep.

~

If that first day wasn't already long and dreadful, the second day was next level for Jungkook.

Once again, Taehyung hadn't shown up to practice, nor did he show up to school at all.

And it didn't help that his hyungs were up his ass about it too.

'Where's Taehyung?'

'Is he sick?'

'Are you guys okay?'

Were they okay? Jungkook didn't fucking know. He couldn't get a hold of the boy. And to think of it-- the elder hadn't even replied to the text. Worried was an understatement at this point.

Jungkook got through the routines of the day, minutes felt like hours without his boyfriend, and as the day had started to melt together, the bell rang once again, the day over.

He headed towards the common area once more, internally cursing himself out for automatically expecting Taehyung to stand in his usual spot-- only feeling his chest tighten when he wasn't.

Kook walked home slowly this time, oddly enough checking his phone more frequently for any sign of Tae, but to no avail. If he wouldn't show up tomorrow, he'd definitely have to do something about this.

~

To everyone’s surprise-- Taehyung’s included-- the boy went back to school after his two-day streak of absence. He figured he couldn’t skip out on his remaining months, no matter how tempting it was to just.. vanish. As a side effect of his profound anxiety, Tae was more reserved than usual. He feared getting flooded with any unwanted questions, and his peers’ shameless murmurs only worsened his internal turmoil.

Maybe toughening up was a shitty idea; the second he stepped in those halls the wall he’d built for himself came crashing down.

With his hood shielding him from the outside world, Taehyung walked into the locker room. His steps were far from confident, and to anyone with a pair of working eyes it was obvious Tae was practically pushing himself to not curl up into a ball and feel bad for himself.

The elder feared hearing that word, it was weird in its own way. Whenever the slur was directed towards Jungkook, Taehyung didn’t think twice before throwing a punch. However, when it was meant for him he felt weak. He hated it.

However, nobody had uttered a single word towards Taehyung as of yet, only murmurs amongst themselves-- not even his friends. Not even Jungkook, who kept at a distance as he watched the elder ignore everybody like he was in his own bubble.

Kook was surprised to see him, and still seemingly in a weird state of mind…

Was Taehyung gonna say something? Should Jungkook say something? He felt weird about it-- and the constant glances from everybody else made him hesitate. He didn't want to make it worse..

Instead, the younger opted for throwing quick glances every now and then, hoping Tae would be looking at him as well for any indication that they'd talk. But he got nothing, and it was almost eerie.

It was frustrating as hell.

Jungkook hoped that as the locker room emptied out, Taehyung would stay around for a private conversation, but that was apparently not part of the plan as Jungkook watched the elder turn to leave without a word once more, kook following behind in silence. This day was gonna be long.

The elder failed to make every basket during practice, his aim was off, and his overall stance was stiff. It worried Namjoon, not only because one of his best players was lacking, but because his friend had his head in the clouds.

He’s never seen Taehyung this out of it..

But then again, when someone’s been forced to come out by a silly video roaming around the school, it was reasonable to be scared.

Namjoon just would’ve never guessed Tae was one of the people who were easily affected by useless chatter. He’s always deemed the younger as strong, fearless.

Joon had yet to be proven wrong.

Taehyung showed up today, and the elder found that to be the epitome of bravery.

If he was in his shoes, Namjoon wouldn’t know what to do. Not show his face in school, that was for sure.

In that moment, it had been established that Tae was far stronger than he was.

“Joon, can I get a drink of water.”

He’d been in the middle of a speech when Taehyung interrupted. Usually Joon would’ve scolded him for it, but with the way the morning’s been going, the elder simply nodded like a bobble head.

All watched the gloomy boy step out of the gymnasium, all the while Joon’s eyes were glued on Kook. There was definitely something going on between the two.

Namjoon waited a couple of seconds, anticipating Taehyung’s return.

Either the latter was extremely thirsty, or he used that as an excuse to leave mid practice.

“Uh.. I need someone to fetch me some extra basketballs. Jungkook? Can you do that?”

Really Namjoon was just giving the younger one a reason to chase after his troubled boyfriend, hoping they figure things out amongst themselves.

Jungkook didn't hesitate for even a second as soon as Namjoon gave him a chance at chasing after his boyfriend. A quick, grateful look given to the captain was all he gave before heading out the door, mind still swirling with his thoughts. Anxiety was a bitch, always amplifying and spurring on his worries-- and the way Taehyung was acting didn't help at all.

Jungkook finally found the familiar male bent over the water fountain. A part of him felt relieved just seeing him in the flesh, he wasn't randomly gone-- and by the looks of it, he hasn't gotten hurt..

Before, Jungkook had been hesitant, even cautious to talk to the elder, but after this amount of time, he'd grown tired of this shit. It wasn't his fault, none of this!

"Taehyung." Jungkook breathed the words out, as if he hadn't said them in so long that it felt.. weird, yet familiar. He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for his boyfriend to tell him anything. Why weren't they talking this through?

Taehyung’s muscles tensed under the intrusive voice, slowly straightening his posture as he made a great effort to meet Jungkook’s hardened gaze.

“Look.. I’m not in the mood to talk, alright?”

Taehyung attempted to walk around the younger, feeling as if there was a vacuum sucking all the air out of his lungs.

For all he knew, someone could be recording them right now, stepping into their personal problems without an invite.

Jungkook swiftly stepped in front of Taehyung, blocking the way with his wider frame. His eyes squinted in frustration, fingers digging his blunt nails into his own biceps to keep himself as calm as possible. Tae really had the nerve to say he doesn't want to talk?

"Are you serious? I've worried for two days and that's the first thing you say?"

Taehyung breathed out in exasperation, wanting nothing more than to push Jungkook out of his way. The latter was visibly stronger so Tae decided to stay put, at least for now..

“You didn’t have to worry about me, I’m fine.” He mirrored the younger’s stance, arms tensely crossed over his chest.

Jungkooks common ritual of frustration appeared in the form of his tongue prodding the inside of his cheek, the annoyed head tilt following as he tried to read the expression in Taehyung's face. Why did he suddenly feel like a stranger? Why did he suddenly feel like the old Taehyung?

"You're kidding me... stop acting like this, just fucking talk to me!" Jungkook untangled himself from his own arms to place his hands on his hips. "I can't stand the silence."

“Maybe I don’t fucking wanna talk to you! Ever thought about that?!”

The elder’s chest heaved, bigger hands balled up into tight fists at his sides. He let out a shaky exhale, lowering his brittle voice after a few seconds of scraping around for his inner serenity.

“Ever thought about what I fucking wanted?” His fragile tone was a distraction from the deafening silence.

As if Jungkook was a contagious disease, Tae cowardly stepped back.

“I— I tried to please you, Jungkook,” the elder continued, “even when I wasn’t comfortable with— with showing public affection, or letting you hug me in front of other people, I still did it.”

Taehyung shook his head, as if not believing he allowed himself to fall so deep.

“Hell, I wanted to make you happy. I couldn’t say how scared I felt.. or my take on the situation. And you know what? I wish I would’ve put me first.”

More silence..

“I wasn’t fucking ready like you were! I-I just... wasn’t.”

Taehyung ran a hand through his hair, breaking down with every truthful word.

“Maybe if I listened to my gut, none of this shit would’ve happened.”

Jungkook took in every word, each one of them building to his whirl of emotions clashing in his chest. He wasn't sure what to say, arguing with the elder is like talking to a wall sometimes...

He exhaled a shaky breath, eyes averting Taes as he stared down at the ground. A short nod followed, his jaw muscles clenching. Jungkook just wanted them to be good again, but the elder continuously pushes that thought away with his words.

"Fine." He murmurs, no longer feeling the need to speak to Taehyung when all he got thrown at him was blame. He took another step back, slowly distancing himself as well before he would lose his temper-- the urge to fucking punch him was burning. And yet... the other part of him wanted to cry. This entire situation was just pure shit...

Taehyung didn’t build on what he had to say, simply walking around Jungkook now that he seemed more inattentive of his surroundings.

The elder saw the millions of thoughts flashing through his boyfriend’s glazed eyes.

He felt guilty; Tae didn’t particularly get off on angering the younger, or leaving him close to tears. But he had to get that off his heavy chest, he was already short of breath. Leaving the uncomfortable mass to linger would’ve been deadly.

Jungkook took a deep, silent breath as he waited for Taehyung to be out of sight until he came back down to reality. He still didn't entirely get the uncomfortable tension between them. It was so sudden...

Jungkook had to take a moment, fighting his fight or flight instincts telling him to get the fuck out of there. He pushed the emotions down, completely forgetting about the instructions from Namjoon to get the basketballs as he headed back to the court. Hopefully practice was over soon anyway. He just wanted to go home.

~

The rest of the long day Taehyung spent avoiding Jungkook, succeeding in doing so considering they didn’t share any common classes. Before, that was something Taehyung wished was different.

He wanted to be in the same class as his boyfriend, anything to be close to him.

Now? He was glad that wasn’t the case, it would hurt too much to make eye contact with him from across the room.

Tae’s blurry mind wasn’t on board, however, the younger was all he thought about.

Jungkook was all he knew, in a sense. It felt weird not being able to talk, to send him pestering messages only for Kook to ignore them, picking out the marshmallows in his cereal to give them to him..

It sucked, but Taehyung knew space was the medication they needed.

The elder was up in his room, shaky thumbs hovering above his phone’s keyboard whilst he stalled on Jungkook’s contact.

He’d been thinking about how unstable their relationship was; how they always fought more often than not— how most of their loud bickering was because of something he’d done.

Taehyung didn’t know how the fuck to act in a relationship, he was a piece of shit.

His boyfriend deserved better.. he deserved a guy who’d proudly show him off, kiss him without any fears, hold his hand without worrying about outsiders’ stares. Someone not nearly as messy.

Tae harshly wiped away a stray tear, inhaling softly to stay grounded.

He’d already made up his mind, but /fuck/ was it hard to actually go through with it..

Exhaling, Taehyung quickly typed out the same phrase that’s been haunting him all day, pushing ‘send’ once he was done.

To: Kook I think we should break up.

Taehyung knew that if he read over it once again, he’d lose all courage to end things.

He was only looking out for Jungkook, after all.

On the other end of things, that was the exact opposite of what Taehyung did.

© sombreboy 2020. Do not edit, repost or translate.

[werelesbian]

A Long Reflection Regarding my Sexuality

Lesbian has been a word that has been negatively used since I was a child. When I was a little kid I was told “You can’t be gay or marry outside of your own race” by my father. I must’ve bottled that up for years. I’ve always looked at girls since I was a kid. I remember one of my earliest memories being from when I was about 7 and thinking a lady with a green shirt was really pretty. I also always remember staring at boobs and butts, A LOT. I always had an interest in girls, I just didn’t realize it. When sexuality became to become known, one of my friends came out as bisexual and I flipped out. Being gay was always seen as bad to my family and thus I had to follow it. When “I Kissed a Girl”, “She Keeps Me Warm” and “Same Love” were on the radio, I became very anxious and changed the pronouns to prove I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be gay right? Even though I have looked at girls before and I remember staring at my friend’s brother’s ceiling with a picture of a woman in a bikini.and being mesmerized by it. As I got older, the concept of being gay became normalized to me. I came out as pansexual because that’s what I thought I was at the time. I maybe had one “crush” on a boy, but more numerous ones on girls. My friend, a camp counselor, and my mom’s friend’s daughter. High school finally rolled around and I went through my first stage of questioning. I cycled through labels until I came to bisexual. That’s what I believed to be best. Then the crushes on girls flooded in. The first crush I recognized I had on a girl was my friend’s ex girlfriend. I wanted her! But when my friend asked her out I was crushed. “Oh well I thought, I’ll have to live with it”. I tried to third wheel in their relationship, probably due to lingering feelings. Then I developed a crush on another girl, a good friend of mine. I asked her out to TOLO, but she said no and I cried. Straight girls cry when they get rejected by girls right? I almost asked a guy friend of mine as a rebound but then decided against it. Later on since both of my friends were dating, I decided that I should to. I chose a guy who I thought was ‘cute’ and we went out a few times. He even asked me to homecoming the next year where he kissed me. I felt nothing by it and very awkward. Him and I went out again a few more times but I didn’t really feel much for him. I liked the kissing somewhat but that was about it. I think I was more excited by feeling rebellious. My friends pushed the label of ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ onto us, but it was awkward. But I still went along with it. At the beginning of sophmore year, I had to attend eating disorder treatment and I was drawn to another girl there. She was so cool and I wanted to be close to her and spend time with her. Too bad nothing ever came of it. That same year however, I also developed a crush on another girl in my French class. When she walked in, it was like time slowed down, I was SO attracted to her. We even sat next to each other in class and boy, did she make me nervous. I felt things that were different than even being with that guy I was with. Even seeing her years later, my eyes still were drawn to her like a damn magnet. She was gorgeous. In  junior year, my friends began to have sex and lose their virginities. I felt left behind and wanted to fit in. There was always a craving for it, especially since I always felt ‘different’ and left out, even since I was a kid. I was bullied too and with a sweet blend of my low self esteem and depression, I followed trends. This was just another one of them. I made a ‘pact’ with myself that year to get a boyfriend for the sole purpose to lose my virginity and I did. I also developed a weird obsession with two guys that year. I dressed up and daydreamed scenarios in my head of them liking me. I wanted them to want me, but I’m not sure if I wanted them. But I also did end up achieving my goal that year. I got the boyfriend and lost my virginity. I did what I had to do. Even though it was awkward and I felt numb after it. It resulted in me having 2 months of extreme anxiety due to a fear of being pregnant. In the relationship, I didn’t feel much, or not at all for the guy. I leaned on him for support due to my dysfunctional family. It was an escape. I eventually broke it off with him and got over the relationship within a week. This started a cycle of waiting for the next boyfriend to come around. The next one eventually did. He was nice and cared for me. He pursued me first and I went with it. I’m glad I didn’t have to have sex with him. It was the easiest relationship I was in because we were more like friends and less like lovers. Then we broke up and I got over him within a week. Rinse and repeat. The last boyfriend I dated for nine months and I believed at one point I loved him. He cared for me and had a nice family I could escape to, when mine was falling apart at the seams. I craved the ‘nuclear family’ unit since I never had in the start. I felt accepted and safe there when I didn’t want to go home to mine. His companionship was nice and all, but I know deep down I didn’t care for him the way he cared for me. He loved me, but I didn’t love him. He wanted to escalate the relationship to the next level and an alarm bell went off in my head. It was a major “NO” to be but I tried to ignore it and said “maybe” to him. I often went along for the ride and never followed what I wanted. We eventually broke up after we were drifting apart. I began to crave sex less and began to hate doing anything with his penis. I tried my best to avoid having penetration and was relieved when we didn’t have to do it. I was so scared of getting pregnant, but deep down it may have been my body telling me that it wasn’t right. I was also relieved when I didn’t have to see him as much. I wanted to be away from him and felt relief when I broke up with him. It took me about a week to get over him. The cycle almost began again when another guy pursued me but I wasn’t into it. He wanted to go out with me again and I panicked. I didn’t want to see him. All this time when I was dating boys, my sexuality was really repressed but it surfaced in cracks. I’d often create characters who were LGBT+ and the ones I was most obsessed with were often bisexual or lesbian. Most characters I created were never straight, but I turned them so because of my own internalized homophobia. I dealt with it a lot for two years and even showed discontentment with others who were openly queer. I think it was because I myself deep down knew I was like them but was afraid to be ‘different’ due to backlash. I had crafted and dressed myself in a way to be palatable to the opposite sex. I had this deep craving to ‘fit in’, so much so that I neglected my own sexuality and in a way a part of myself. This year, I met another girl who I fell for. I began to crush hard on her and fell head over heels for her. She made me feel good about myself for once in my life. She was beautiful, kind, smart and had a wicked sense of humor. She was like a dream to me. She was my catalyst. I wanted to kiss her and hold her close. We fell asleep on the phone with each other every night and spend hours talking to each other. It was like two peas in a pod we clicked so well. I also craved her touch, her body, her skin against mine, what her lips felt like. I took notice of the little things in her from the curve of her jaw to the color of her eyes. I wrote her letters and picked flowers that I wanted her to see. I wanted to talk to her all the time. Although our relationship was short, I will forever thank her for lighting the fire again of my sexuality. When I began talking to her, I began to take notice of girls so much more. My gaze averted from that I had learned to that of what I wanted. Pretty girls made me so nervous and I felt like my damn 14 year old self again. It was like being a kid in a candy store, I was so damn happy! I even bought pride merchandise for the first time in forever. I was okay with being gay. However, I should have never brought it up with any of my family. They said that they’d like me to end up with a boy, asked if I have talked to any boys yet, said I haven’t found the right guy, I’m just x sexuality, etc. Now I’m scared once again and want to go back into the closet. I’m keeping this close to me. It’s my dirty little secret I guess. Questioning doesn’t help either. I doubt myself all the time and ‘test’ myself to see if I am attracted to men. I feel as if I have to ‘double-check’ to see if I am truly gay. It’s the damn doubt all over again. I also punish myself if I look at girls in a sexual way. Girls in the past thought I had touched them and I felt like a dirty pervert, hell my friend even thinks so. It’s hard for me to allow myself to like women again. I don’t want to be seen as a predator or trying to use them as an experiment. I just want a girl to love and give my all to. I want to be the best damn person I can be for my future girlfriend/wife and I’ll be damned if I can’t do that. All of this questioning process is so confusing. Am I a lesbian? Am I bi? Maybe I’m just a straight girl in denial doing this because I’m lonely. Fuck who knows. I just know that after being with a woman, I sure as hell don’t want to go back. My attraction to men has regressed. Maybe I’m in a bi-cycle, or maybe it’s my lesbian awakening. Only time will tell. Most queer women I have talked to agree that I am a lesbian. When I call myself gay or lesbian. It makes me feel good, but I feel as if I have to resort to bisexual just in case “Mr. Right” comes along. But he probably never will. In fact, he probably never existed. I’ve had elaborate fantasies about romance but I never saw a clear face of who the “man” was supposed to be. When I fantasize about sex, I was never there unless it was with another woman, never a man. Another woman always took that place and I’d view it from third person, like watching porn. Women light a fire in me that men do not. I’ve gotten turned on by their bodies and touch in a way that I haven’t with guys. Hell if I know why, but I do. Maybe I really am just gay and that’s okay. Maybe I am a lesbian after all. The word isn’t so “dirty” anymore.