#nowadays i see myself as equally gay and straight (i use bi because it's more understandable for putsiders but it isn't Me per se)

[uncanny-tranny]

What some people don't realize is that some trans people don't know they were trans as kids, but not for the reasons you might think...

Like when I was a kid, I would watch movies with women in them and I'd be like, "okay, I guess I'm a straight guy. These are very heterosexual feelings," and that was the end of it. What I didn't think was that that made me trans, because as far as I cared, I started life as a straight little boy.

[langernameohnebedeutung]

Are you openly bi in real life? Ever faced and bad cases of homophobia of other persons or own internalised homophobia ??

It’s kinda mixed? I’m open about it with people I know I can trust (and female friends who matched me on tinder), but there are also some people who I know would react in a bad or uncomfortable way or who would not get it so I don’t bother telling them. But I also don’t make a secret of it - I guess the smart ones might already have noticed that I usually speak about protective partners or people I find attractive in a gender-neutral way. .

I’ve never done this thing where I go invite everyone I know and hold a big speech about it. (and I don’t know anyone who did.). It really depends on the person and the situation.One the one hand, I have a huge respect for anyone who’s more confrontational about it - but on the other hand, I don’t see why I should have to do it. Straight people don’t sit me down and explain their attractions to me and I don’t owe it to them either

Right now it’s pretty easy because I’m single and I prefer it that way so I don’t have to make much of an effort. The thing is, I’m always very open about how I feel about equal rights, adoption, marriage, trans issues and the like and I’m very protective of my LGBTA+ friends.  People who know me don’t say much homophobic shit around me, because they know I will make fun of them or argue with them. Just last week I overheard a rather homophobic relative of mine tell her daughter not to make fun about the lesbian nurse of heir neighbour in front of me because “you know how she gets about these things.” I’m not sure if she realized I’m bi or not by now, but either way I’m the “annoying liberal relative” and people leave me alone.  

As for internalised homophobia... I thought about this while I was out with Missy and  I just remembered after answering your last ask that when I was 14 or 15 or so I actually had a conversation with a very close friend I had back then - and I told her that I might like girls. (I had this whole very stereotypical “I think I might like guys 60% and girls 40% but both more like 50%”-conversation lmao)- But later I put that down for a “phase” or just a weird idea I had because puberty and stuff. So what I said about myself is pretty much what bi people usually get to hear from the rest of the world. So that might have been internalised homophobia or biphobia. And even now that I know I’m bi I’m still not sure whether I said that back then because I had actually noticed something or whether I said that to be different. 

I also remembered that in one of my first stories I ever wrote (which was a huge mess) one of my favourite characters was a bi dude. And I actually put in a scene in it where he kisses the main-character (who was supposed to turn out to be his ex-boyfriend). I used to share my stories with my best friend. And when she read that scene she reacted really disgusted* and after that, I cut out all the scenes that had this guy thinking about guys or showed attraction to them.*the thing is, she’s actually pretty chill nowadays, but she comes from a rather conservative family and also the character he kissed was the love-interest of the self-insert character I wrote of her for her because she liked that character. Typically 7th grade drama in a way.

Like...these are really two minor things (that I haven’t thought about in ages) but I guess there were signs and I guess the way I reacted might be internalised homophobia and might have to do with why it took me so long to really deal with this stuff. But you know...that’s just so minor compared to what other people go through that honestly, I don’t think it is. I think it’s just me not being well in touch with myself about a lot of things.

I think personally what hit me the hardest was when a really good, since-kindergarten bestest-of-friends kind of friend made a biphobic comment to me. Like...I heard so much worse shit from other relatives before I started to talk back but I remember that this friend came out as bi but slowly moved towards referring to himself openly as gay. Which is chill. For some it takes a while to figure themselves out and for some, it feels easier to say they’re bi. But just when I was starting to figure out that I was bi we talked and he said something along the lines of: “You know how I used to say I was bi? I knew I was gay but most people are. There are hardly any bi people. When someone says they’re bi they’re either gay people who are ashamed to be gay or straight people who want attention.” And yeah...that’s when I really felt betrayed and I doubted myself. 

I know it seems unfair to say that these words from an actual homosexual man hit me harder than all kinds of bullshit I heard hetereosexual people say about LGBTA+ people over the years. But with them I knew that I couldn’t be myself around them and I knew how to bite back and I knew what to expect so I guess that might have been what hit me the most. That he was one of the people I had hoped I could talk to about what I was going through and then he pulled that shit.

 (On the other hand, he also developed a lot in that regard. He used to make a lot comments about gay men being “too visibly gay” or lesbians “being ok as long as they don’t look like dudes” and other much worse things especially about one trans guy he knew I was friends with. And the worst thing was when he started outing the friend I mentioned in the answer to your other ask before he was ready to come out. But that’s years ago now and these days, he’s actually very supportive of trans people and he’s also pretty accepting of bi people and lesbians these days. So growth is a thing, for all of us.)

[adhd-ahamilton]

also ahhhhhhh this subject again but just man I feel like I must have such different experiences with LGBT+ terms than other queer historians?

I didn’t grow up thinking ‘I’m different to everyone else, maybe I’m one of those people, oh god’. I grew up thinking ‘...wait, aren’t I just doing the normal thing? Doesn’t everyone do this? ...what do you mean nobody does??? And, wait, you’re telling me everyone actually does that thing????’

When I was a teenager, almost everyone I encountered IRL would say that gay people existed, but bi people didn’t - they were just looking for attention, or super promiscuous, or trying to deny they were gay. Even most major gay celebrities were the same. my first big experience with the queer community was fandom spaces where the existence of bisexuality was a major discussion point, and diving into that argument space was my first real taste of any kind of activism. (Even if it took me a couple years to realise why I felt so strongly about it.) But even now, occasionally, I forget how bisexuality works? Like my brain will just forget to make a concession for it, and then my conscious mind will be like ‘wait... forgot something here’, or I’ll even just stop...understanding it? Like for a minute or so I’ll be just like ‘wait is that even a real thing actually? suddenly it just sounds really not real?’

And that’s the easy part. Nowadays, hardly anybody who is taken seriously denies that bisexuality exists. Asexuality, though? Totally different story - literally on this website, in queer spaces, I keep randomly coming across people claiming that sexuals are just cringy straight people wanting something, or gay people with internalised homophobia, or all mentally ill. And aromanticism? Even if it’s brought up, unless it’s by an actual aro person, it’s almost always just treated as an unimportant optional subset of asexuality.

For me, believing in these things isn’t just... a matter of unconscious modern common sense that I don’t even question. I had to learn about it all, educating myself on the topic (and then educating some people I know IRL too, because they sure as hell didn’t know), and continually reminding myself of the influence of heteronormativity and how it erases all non-straight identities, not just gay/lesbian identities. It’s been hard, because a lot of the time I didn’t want to believe it, and at other times I found myself wondering whether this was all in my head and I was just less than human. But that’s what makes the words themselves important and powerful to me. Saying ‘asexual’ is saying to the world ‘this is just as valid, important, and real a way to exist as any other identity’ - as ‘heterosexual’. It dignifies it by placing it on equal standing, and its usage reminds you that it’s not just a matter of celibacy or whatever - it’s a different way of being that needs to be analysed on its own, not ignored.

And that’s not even the end of it. I mean, take ‘’’mogai culture’’’ (the term used by gay people who wanna be homophobic and transphobic but pretend they’re being progressive about it). Plenty of people have commented on how hugely many ace and aro identites there are going around on tumblr. But that’s because, when you live your life having no idea what you are and then come across a word that makes you go ‘aha - it all makes sense now!’ it makes total sense to see the power of those words and want to help others achieve that, or just want to contribute to the culture in general with more words. (Especially since aspecs have been erased from queer culture for decades and now have little culture of our own so we’re trying to catch up fast.)

And I’m not saying that this makes me more objective. But I don’t think it makes me any more subjective either - there are other LGBT+ people out there (especially gay men I’d wager, but it seems to be common among lesbians as well) who have been so exhausted with being constantly identified as Gay that they just want to get away from that and be a person. It’s all just a different point of view. I mean, one time I looked up a book (I think it was actually ‘the Invention of Heterosexuality’ actually) and one review was of a woman saying ‘I can certainly understand - I’m so used to being defined as a lesbian but I really just want to get on with my life.’ But I just...felt so jealous!!! To have your preferences and identity constantly validated like that, to be treated as real and normal and as having a community and as able to trust your own judgement and identify yourself... I want that so, so much!! But as I said - that’s no more valid than her feelings.

So... yeah. There’s just a fundamental breakdown in communication here. Because whenever people talk about how if you used these words with these historical people, they wouldn’t understand? All I can think of is my ‘aha!’ moments. To be honest... I genuinely can’t imagine telling someone like, say, John Laurens about the word ‘gay’ and them responding in any way other than... ‘that’s a thing you can actually be? that people are? that MANY people are? and it’s not a bad thing - it’s okay? that’s... amazing!!’ Which I knooooow is just my modern ideas and all but just... it’s a possibility???

idk anyway using ‘’modern sexuality words’’ (i.e. sexuality words favoured and in many cases created by the people who use them, rather than applied medically/legally or used as insults or w/e) is really really important for me towards actually acknowledging the existence of non-straightness, and the idea of not using them just inherently feels like succombing to subconscious heteronormativity. Using them feels like ‘hey we are the actual people described by these words and here is how we define our lives and selves, just as real as straightness, and we’re gonna state them outright so there’s no confusion and you can’t forget it’. It acknowledges the work that self-identifying queer people have done to come together and discuss their experiences and define themselves and promote that definition, challenging not only others’ heterosexim but their own at every step.

(Plus as I’ve said before, I don’t see why we should be limited to straight, gay, bi, lesbian, asexual, aro etc. either. Use alterous and queerplatonic and abrosexual and whatever else, or make up new words for things that wouldn’t make sense today. I’d much much MUCH rather people at least use the words rather than just... not, out of some weird idea that’ll involve less unconscious hetero bias.)

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

All the vday questions ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

happy vday sis!!!!!

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?- eh, kind of. lmao

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?- 50005% yes. god that can do shit to your heart bro

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?- 2 years seems to be my typical expiration date

4: Have you ever changed for someone?- i have changed something for someone, yes

5: How is your relationship with your ex?- nonexistent lmfao

6: Have you ever been cheated on?- not that i know of

7: Have you ever cheated?- unfortunately

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating?- probably not

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?- everything that comes to mind are all equally important

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?- oh it rly depends if the mood strikes or what. i’m usually not into relationships at all and when i get into them they come at me so fucking left field and next thing i know i’m planning a future and shit. it’s literally only happened a couple of times

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?- i believe in needing space and if someone says they need it then maybe they should be warranted that much.

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?- it’s 2k18 and you’re really still asking for a body count

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?- i regret not being completely honest about my wants/needs

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?- “kids” shouldn’t be having sex, lol. but idk, whatever floats their boat. 16?

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?- if it’s likelegal and within reason, yes. and rly does depend on the dynamic considering that a lot of the time it isn’t genuine and is a power move.

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?- maybe not love, but the way my heart did summersaults when she first smiled at me? incredible.

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?- been there done that, yes. it works out

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?- idk, i’m pretty open minded. but snooping is definitely one lmao

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?- i don’t.

20: Are you currently in a relationship?- is that what they call it nowadays?

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?- i think there is room for attempt. but it is difficult to work out

22: Do you think people should date their friends?- if they grow genuine feelings for one another, of course

23: How many relationships have you had?- 4?

24: Do you think love can last forever?- i do not fucking know bro, i doubt that shit daily like i wonder how people rly be out here in love for 50 years

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?- nah fam, wtf

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?- nope

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?- stop forcing shit, don’t date boys you just are not that into, and when you are into one really sit down and think about that bc it’s not normal to think they’d be perfect if only they were a woman

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?- yes

29: What do you notice first about another person?- physical appearance usually. first think i noticed about her was her height, then her face, then her smile

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?- i think pan is most accurate; i can be physically attracted to just about anyone, and not just “two genders” as bi entails. i do have a muuuch stronger leaning toward women though, so i just say i’m gay it rly covers all bases

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?- i don’t think it would and i think/know i could be understanding and supportive. however, i can see how it can take a toll on someone normal, so i can’t imagine on myself, with everything i already have as well. we’d both need to have very healthy coping skills and be getting help and working/communicating with one another, especially if i’m already doing all of the above, they certainly should as well

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?- yes and it sucked. thank GOD it was a bit short lived. he is hands down my worst, slimiest ex and just no i would never again

33: Do you want to get married one day?- i don’t fucking know

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed?- fuck no

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?- most likely cannot, but it depends on me, my sex drive is all over the place but has been more steady recently

36: Are you still a virgin?- nah

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?- both are, but i might go with personality

38: Do you enjoy love films?- no i don’t lol horror all the way

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?- not roses, but other flowers yes

40: Have you ever had a valentine?- this year i had two lmao (one of them was my roommate before y'all wanna assume i’m hoein’ since that’s how y'all are)

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?- we’re sitting in a blanket, on a rooftop, with the view of the space needle and mountains and cityscape in front of us. fleetwood mac is playing in the background and we’re singing along. i’m laying in her lap, she’s playing with my hair and we’re holding hands. we’re alone, and talking about our future, and our dream house, and things to do together when we’re back home. maybe sandy is with us, considering she’s so well behaved. we’re telling each other stories we haven’t shared with one another yet, and every now and again we share deep and lingering kisses. she’s looking at me like i am literally the only person on earth and there is so much love in her eyes and it is 1000% mutual. her smile and her laughter alone bring me joy. i tell her how much i love her, how she means the entire world to me, and she tells me the same. we stay on the rooftop and watch the sunset over the city and my heart is just so, so, so full. i know she’s right next to me, and we can’t get any closer, but something inside still makes me miss her and yearn for her. we share one last kiss before we leave the seclusion of the rooftop, and walk our way back to our room, taking in more of the sights. we have a glass of wine together, or coffee (since that’s our thing), and we’re together freely, without side glances or judgement on either of us. she’s the light of my life; we’re happy.

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?- more than once

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?- depends really, i think you need balance

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”?- idk about romantic but i can be nice? lol

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?- i would date this one girl in a heartbeat LMAO, but just bc she is dead ass a 10/10. besides that fuck no all my friends are way too fucking emotional and just not my type and just no. the guys aren’t much of a step up

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”?- lmao, in middle school but i wasn’t too hurt by it, they were cool to be friends with. (if i were a nigga i feel like this answer would be far from this)

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?- i used to stan johnny and winona. besides that i really don’t care enough

48: What’s your favorite love song?- 505. lmao idk if that even counts. dreams by fleetwood mac (even tho it is kinda a break up song but i love it)

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?- so i have been told

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?- there are levels to this shit, how much of a douche bag is he really? does he just neglect me but i have access to all the money? bc i would do that.

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?- no considering my advice is always “dump him. drop them. leave her” lmao. it has gotten me into trouble a number of times

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?- my niggaaaaa, FAR from it lmao. i really fucking THRIVE when i’m alone, but even relationship me looks at other couples like “tsk tsk”

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)?- on social media, not really. though i would be skeptical of someone who goes out of their way to deliberately not post their partner

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?- i can be, but i do chose to hardly ever act on it. shit will irk me and i will know it is irrational or dumb or makes no sense so i’ll try to dismiss it myself, mostly for fear of being called crazy for having and displaying the emotions i’m going through but it is what it is

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship?- i have. not malintentionally

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?- no, not at all. all things considered if someone already has mental health issues a bad breakup can trigger a relapse in depression - etc. is it rational and a good thing? fuck no. but i wouldn’t take it as lightly as to call it silly and dismiss it. get yourself or the other person help.

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?- independent as fuck but not tryna step on my partner’s toes either. i think we both have to be dominant. maybe me a bit more. (also, i am soooo talking in regards to personalities and not sex for you weirdos out there).

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?- i have not, i can still give you exact dates from years ago

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?- none of my business if it floats your boat

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?- i am by far the least family oriented person in existence so, my partner.

62: How do you define “cheating”?- anything your partner doesn’t want you doing;any boundaries you wouldn’t want crossed

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?- no. maybe i bit unexpected if anything if you guys live together and can have sex/try new things on a daily basis

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?- it’s whatever. i always do something but i’m not wild about it like some other people

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?- big time. i cuddle sandy 25/8

[benwade95]

i changed all the real names for fake names. this is what happened in second half 2012/ first half of 2013.

http://perfectbenz0.tumblr.com/post/58778147108/perfect-song

lexi was the most incredible girl i've ever met. she was almost my first love, she wasn't my first indeed because she didn't let me love her. we could've been something, but we weren't because suddenly, without explanation, se disappears of my life. but I'll tell you something curious, i wasn't; sad or brokenhearted...everyone who knew lexi would expect this from her.

she was so unique, she had the spirit of freedom. She had a light golden hair that matched with her hazel eyes, that were pure glow. She was so...her own. she used to tell she wanted to travel the world, and i don't doubt she is doing that nowadays. however she knew how to appreciate the little things of life, and I am so grateful she showed me that.

she liked to go to concerts of bands that no one has ever heard about, neither she. i guess the idea of sitting at a table in a corner of the bar alone was something appealing to her. and sometimes, early morning, she used to like to walk around the city, in silence, alone. at the time that no store was open and there were few people in the street. no music, just the sound of the great big portland. but she just liked to do that sometimes.

How I was saying, she knew how to appreciate the little things of life. When it is snowing, she just stop for a moment to appreciate every snowflake dropping from the sky and falling in her black coat from the north face, or falling right over her tiny reddish nose. When it was raining she became that one person who would jump in the puddles and get all her clothes wet, but she didn't care . lexi was too cool to care. I can't tell you what she used to do when the sun was shinning bright or when the flowers were growing, because, how I said, I didn't had much time with her.

Lexi was too cool for me, for everyone. the bad thing is that no one really noticed that. She appeared at school when I was at the middle of my junior year for the second time (yup i had to do my junior year two times because i used to suck in biology and other subjects). It was January and we had just came back from the winter break. We were at lab class and my partner was expelled so I was alone, lucky I was that she just entered at school and was going to be my partner. At first I didn't care, she wasn't hot or popular. She was cute, just cute. And I was hooking with jolie prinstson, a third year girl cheerleader.

jolie was half french, her grandparents were from France, so that's why the name.

So everything starts there, me and Lexi, biology lab partners.

We agreed to meet at cafe t',  a  café near our school that was more expensive than starbucks. She arrived there first, and when I saw her I knew there was something about her that was different of the other girls. She wasn't trying too hard, she wasn't even trying. She wasn't super flirty, or trying to be someone else to impress a guy or beeing slutty and stuff. She was just beeing Lexi.

When I arrived at that café, there she was. Sitted in a table on the corner of the restaurant reading a book. Harry Potter, what a clichê. With her messy bun, green-army jacket and round classes, she smiled at me and then she drinked her black coffe.

We obviously didn't make our work, we talked. talked and talked for hours and hours. That moment it was the one I knew I feel. She was so ambitous and talked passionately about travelling. She told me her mom's job requires her to move frequently. She has lived all around the world. she has a love-hate relationship with moving countries all the time.

first complaint; her mom always had new boyfriends and she hates that. she keeps in touch with her dad, that is from florida, her mom completely hated her dad, so their parents wouldn't; even talk. they met at college and her dad was an artist, and they really never dated but had lexi accidentally. after a few years trying to live together they had these huge fight and they now hate each other. 

second complaint; she has an awful relationship with her mom, that kinda doesn't give a shit to her. she wanted to live with her dad but he isn't financially able to live with her, and also her mom doesn't let her. 

She told when she lived at Australia, Perth more specifically. It was the first placed she moved in, she was five and didn't remember much. Than, at ten years old, there she went to South Africa, Cape town. And the city is pretty normal actually, people shouldn't get stuck into stereotypes, it's bullshit. Yeah, she met an elephant and a lion, that was named simba by the way, like the disney movie. And than between her mid thirteen and fifthteen she lived through europe. Manchester, Oslo, Barcelona, a city in France that I forgot the name, Amsterdam. Near her sixteenth birthday they moved back to USA. Than she lived one year in Boston, six months in New York City and than, there she was, here in Portland.

This whole thing of moving cities sounds exciting, but not for me. For her. And her australian-south african-little bit american accent she had , although she is American. She was born and raised until 5 years old in Tampa, Florida. Right now she is somewhere in the world, she constantly changes her number and she doesn't have facebook or twitter. I should try to find her on Instagram, but she probably uses a different name as her username.

I wasn't really into politics and this kind of stuff, even thought I am part of the LGBT community, I didn't really cared at all. She showed me that I had to care, that I had to fight for my right just like she fought for hers. She was so independent and used to talk about feminism in a really passioned way. I was always a really chill guy about stuff like equal rights, but the thing, quoting her: "it isn't effective if you are chill about it, you must do something." And she was right, she did something. She would go to that women's march and she really fought for equal rights, for every gender. She made me a better person.

So, after two months of talking about travelling and politics and don't doing the biology project, we finally agreed to come to my house and do the biology project. And we didn't do it, again. But this time was different, she was worried. She was kind of sad, and i asked what was the matter and she told she wasn't feeling well. I dropped her home and that was it. The next day she appeard at school, kinda depressed. And then, the other day she didn't appeard at school, and the following day too and the other one. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts, I tried to talked to a friend of hers but she didn't know about lexi. I was freaking worried, so I went to her house. One of her mom's opened the door and went talked to her.

"Sweetie, there is a friend of yours that came to visit"

"I don't want any visits"

So there was I, entering at her room. She was at her bed, with her purple pajamas. Adorable. Looking at her eyes I could't see that Lexi anymore, the strong independent empowering ambitious women. She was depressed.

"I was worried about you, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"There is something going on."

"I know, but it it bullshit."

"Lexi, we all go through hard times and it gets better when we have friends to help us."

"I know"

"You probably heard something about me in this school. About me being gay or stuff."

"Actually I heard something about you hooking up with some other boy and something like that."

"Let me explain you this-"

"You don't need to explain me nothing. It's high school, people talk shit all the time."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I want you to know."

"Go ahead."

"So, it was last year's summer that this happened. I was kinda questioning myself about my sexuality but i kept it a secret. I was really insecure, still am. I had friends, but not actual friends. Like the real ones who would be there for you in any circunstantes. That made the situation worst. I was really into boys, like seriously into. A sixteen years old guy is like, super horny and have you seen zac efron shirtless in high school musical?" She laughed. "But girls were still hot as well. The thing is...hmm..Do you know Dylan, school team quarterback, a senior?"

"Yeah, he is hot, but looks like an asshole."

"He is. So Dylan's grandparents have a house in Eugene and Dylan's had some friends at the University of Oregon Campus. So we went to a party and hooked up with a guy in front of everyone. I was a bit drunk, and it was a pretty bad way to almost having sex; a random guy called Isaac. Anyways, back to school and everybody was talking about me hooking up with a guy. And my friends weren't the same, they were like no homo all time and calling me gay all time. I still don't get the calling me gay thing, I think they were trying to insult me. I told them Iam  bi, but they still didn't listen to me. The only guy at the football team that was listening to me was Tyler. That's how we became friends. People still don't listen to me , and everytime I try to hookup with a girl from school they always ask me If I was gay, and there I go, explaining my sexuality to everyone. That's how fucked up the world is."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For having shitty friends."

We were in silence for about five minutes and than I left. It was April and I still didn't understand why did Lexi was kinda of weird for the past months. Now she was okay again, the same happy, euforic Lexi. And we finally had to do our Biology work, so we met at her house, on friday.

I was still having this thing with Jolie, the cheerleader. It was my dumb way to prove to my fake third year friends I was somehow straight, I hadn't hooked up with boys since the incident. Maybe I had with one at winter break, but no one knows. So shhh.

He was lovely, with light brownish hair and some curls. We spent our Christmas at a ski station, Timberline. Fun Fact, they filmed a horror movie called The Shinning there. So I met this guy when my snowboard got stuck and I could't move, so he helped me. We became friends, he kissed me first, and we were a thing through 2 weeks. He was from Canada, he knew French and it was kinda sexy when he talked in french. okay, maybe i just realized i have a thing for people who have any relation with france. We were the same age but I was taller. I should have almost-lose my virginity to him, not the Frat guy that i don't even know the last name.

Anyways, my thing with jolie was still up, but nothing serious, for both sides. We were friends and she was a really cool girl, sometimes she would make a stupid observation, but she was still nice. She used to hook up with Ryan blunt , the captain of the Lacrosse team at School. Yeah, apparently Lacrosse is a thing.  She was asked me If i wanted a threesome with her and Ryan, and I said no. I don't wanted and he didn't too. This was one of the stupid things jolie would say.

Back to Lexi, friday at her house. Her mom wasn't there. A boy and a girl all alone at her room. This time we actually finished the project, thanks god. So we started a conversation that leaded to some kisses. We made out for twenty minutes straight and we stopped.

"You wanna order some pizza?" She asked. She was the most random person ever. I loved it.

"Sure."  

And we ordered our pizza, and we talked for a while. But the we were running out of talking.

"So, this guys from the frat house you hooked up with."

"What?"

"Was he your real first or your first time with a boy?"

"We hadn't  had sex, I just blew him. I had never had real sex."

"I had a boyfriend when I lived in Oslo, Norwegian boys are my type."

"So apparently I'm not your type."

"Your not, but I like you."

"Thanks, I guess."

"We almost had sex, me and this boy. But he backed off. So I had this other boyfriend in Boston, Aroon."

"Sorry to interupt, but how many boyfriends have you had?"

"Two, you silly. It's hard to have a boyfriend If you keep moving cities all the time."

"Fair."

"So, I had my first time with Aaron. He was a sweet boy and than he broke up with me because he said I was crazy."

"Oh."

"So you had never had sex with a girl huh?"  She asked.

And you know the rest of the story. Lexi had atitude. 

It was Monday again and the school had announced Saddie Hawkins prom, the one girls asks guys out. Jolie came to talk to me and asked me, so I said yes.  I was really surprised because I thought she was going to ask Ryan. She also asked me If I wanted to go somewhere after school with her, she was kind of upset because her grandpa had just died.

That same day Lexi came really excited and asked me If i wanted to go to prom with her. And I wanted to, but I said no. I promised Jolie I would go with her, so I explained that to Lexi. She said okay and gave me a little smile and left, I could see in her eyes she was upset. 

The next day I went to cafe t' with Jolie. When I arrived there Lexi was there at the same table in the corner that I almost fell for her. She was alone, but this time not waiting for anyone, she was with the same jacket and drank a little bit of her black coffe. No sugar or anything else, coffe was coffe and it should be appreciated without any exterior things, as she said. She saw me with Jolie and Left the café.

It was prom night, I picked up Jolie at her house and she was wearing a blue dress that would look better on Lexi. It was a fun night until we left and than she got really drunk and wanted to have sex with me. Of course I didn't, it would be rape. The next monday she thanked me for not raping her (?) , and also for taking care of her. She slept at my house, she couldn't arrive that drunk in her house.

The day I refused Lexi's invitation to prom until two weeks after prom Lexi didn't talked to me. I missed her, and everytime I tried to ask her out she would say she couldn't. I knew she was lying.

She made me feel kinda bad, for real. She is probably thinking I just wanted to bang her and leave, and it wasn't that. I wanted to be with her, but she wouldn't let me.

June arrived.  It was thursday and I was studying because the final tests starts on monday. It's eleven at night and something was hitting my window, I looked down to see what it was. And here we go again, it was her with a tight little black dress and some black converse.

I went downstairs quietly to meet her.

"What the fuck Lexi?"

"I think we should have some fun, it has been a long time we don't hang out."

"It's almost mid night."

"I know, and I thing you should change. Like, this pajamas are not really cool."

She was crazy, seriously, but I wouldn't breakup with her like the Aaron guy. So I changed my clothes and there we were going somewhere I had no Idea. She was driving.

After 20 minutes we arrived somewhere. At first I was bit scared, it was dark, but she was confident, just like she went there everyday. And I was right, she knew everyone at this strange tiny bar.

"'Night Mark." She said to the manager and

" What up Steve?" To the waiter

Remember when I said she used to go to local bands concerts that no one knew, this one of those. It was a classic rock band and they made some cool Guns n' roses covers.

She was fancy, I can say. She didn't drink beer or vodka, not even tequila or something. She was a champagne girl. For some reason she had quite a lot of money with her, she bought two small bottles of champagne, one for me and one for herself. I felt bad for not paying it, I know this is a sexist idea i have to get off of my mind. But I should have payed mine at least.

We went to a park near her house and got pretty drunk. I can't remember if we hooked up or not, I think we didn't. Anyways, when we sobered up a little bit she drove me house and we chatted a little bit in her car.

"Hmm...Ben." She said before I was leaving the car.

"What?"

"I want you to know something."

"What? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I just want you to know that was really nice meeting you. you are an incredible person, and one day you will find a boy or a girl that will love you unconditionally, the way you deserve."

"what if i have already found that someone." i was referring to her, and she knew it.

"ben, you don't know me. "

"i don't?" i was starting to get mad at her

"nope. you just know what i letted you know, there is so much more."

"and i want to know the rest of it "

"ben, my love" she putted her arm over my shoulder. "before you think of dating me you need to know that i'm a huge mess. i have struggled with things for the past few years of my life. and there are nights i'm curled up on a ball on the floor and i won't talk to anyone. i'll shut you out, just like i did before. i'm not gonna be able to trust because everyone i knew during my life has always left or chosen someone else. i will need reassurance. i will need you. i will need you to keep choosing me. i'll need you to care when i text you saying i'm getting bad again." she takes a deep breath "i'm a lot. i know this. maybe that's why my past boyfriend broke up with me. so before you think i will be alway happy, and sometimes i will, that i will always be smiling- know the reality before you get involved. don't fall in love if you can't handled it." 

and i knew i couldn't handle her, so i kept silence. 

She gives me a soft kiss on my lips. "Goodbye Benjamin."  

And she left.

Forever.

one of our random hangouts, 2012, we shared the drink. we asked these random french guy to take a picture of us.