#nowadays I don't have to think about it too much but sometimes my adderall makes that come back

[which-qsmp-egg-would]

Poll has to focus to not talk at mach speed

Tequilla has to focus to not talk super slowly

neither of them are bothered by the other's vocal quirks because they always compensate for the other

[dxsertrot]

I'm really starting to firmly believe I have adhd. At first I was cool with it being speculative, but it feels like it actually interferes with my life. Maybe I should get a professional diagnosis and consider Adderall. It's just hard for me to know because everyone thinks they have adhd nowadays. Sometimes I even wonder about the legitimacy of adhd being a thing (in terms of it being classified as a neurological problem) but it's becoming harder and harder to live with as my work becomes more specified and focused. It's really hard for me to focus and pay attention. I move so fast I overlook simple things. My brain has never worked the way I would like it to, when it seems so easy for everyone else. I've always been critiqued at work for moving too quickly and overlooking things because of that. And now I'm at a job where I cannot afford to be that way. I have always struggled badly with instructions and now I have a job where all I do is follow very specific instructions. Because if I don't I can literally kill people. I'm only in training and I know this is all so new to me, but this isn't a new problem. It's a problem I've always been aware of but never knew how to fix. It's benefited me tremendously in many ways, to be so quick and always move with purpose and to never quite switch off, but now I NEED to be able to have an off switch to sit down and slow everything to break down what exactly I need to do. I cannot think of an instance where I've successfully done that. I get so frustrated with myself and feel so so stupid. I try eating really good, attempt to get good sleep, and try to engage in more thoughtful activities outside of work like reading and writing. I do all this in hopes it will fix my brain and I will be able to be the way that I want. I can't be organized for shit, never have been. Even when I try to be. Shit gets out of control so fast and I can't ever pinpoint how it got like that. I always thought adhd wasn't something I had because it doesn't seem to reflect as much outside of work and social interactions. I have no problem relaxing when I get home, I'm honestly anything but hyperactive when I'm home. I try to be. Plus there's the factor of phones absolutely destroying attention spans. But it's never just been my attention span. Sometimes I can pay really good attention. But more often than not I have to fuck up to understand something because instructions and verbal teaching isn't enough. And nobody ever noticed it in me as a kid. Sure I fidgeted but I was always glued to me seat, and I never distrusted class. I was horrifically shy and constantly lost in the classroom. But my last two years of school I wasn't! I did super well and paid really good attention in all my classes. Which is why it's so hard for me to grapple with why I'm having this problem again. Maybe because it's been a few years? I don't know. And then I'm scared that I will get an adhd diagnoses and be prescribed Adderall and have the same problems. I just feel like a dummy and everyone expects me to be so much more organized and detailed than I am because I'm a girl or some stupid shit. There's so many memories I have growing up and even of the past few years that make things make so much more sense with the context of having adhd, but what if I don't have it? Am I just stupid? A hopeless cause? I want to do better and be better and I genuinely try so hard and never get it right. And I feel people that I look up to judge me and be disappointed in me because of it. But I have no defense. I've got no diagnosis and I don't know how much it would cost to get one. I think I need to start doing serious research into getting one. I'm just getting so frustrated with myself and maybe it will help me be nicer to myself if I know it's not my fault and that there's ways of living with it and be successful at the things I want to be successful at. Because as it stands I can only be good at mindless work until I figure out how to get my shit organized, follow instructions, and slow down.