#now i gotta lose them again because i'm way heavier than what i should be now

[forgotten-daydreamer]

who'd have guessed that stress eating wss going to make me gain so much unwanted weight. hm.

[mashup-writing]

If only you were here; Hwang Yeji (ITZY)

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Summary: Yeji was the leader, she couldn't afford to be seen being anything less than perfect for the role. No crying, being sad, or feeling any kind of negativity. But she's only human, and being human means letting your emotions run through you.

Requested? ☒

"Miles away from seeing you."

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She was exhausted. Today's schedule was nothing but hectic, from interviews to filming for music videos. All Yeji had wanted to do was be with her girlfriend, to have her take away the stress, to run her fingers through her hair, to hold her like doing so was the only thing keeping her together. But with Y/N visiting her hometown? The best she could do was a facetime.

She loved her job, her members, and their MIDZYs. She really does. But sometimes the high life takes more from you than it gives. Lately her girls have been facing prejudiced hate from a bunch of ruthless people online. Lia was being branded as "Lazy" and it made the leader's blood boil, among all five of them Lia was the one who spends the most time in the practice room, especially when she has trouble with some of the choreography. She remembers a memory of theirs that included Lia almost passing out of exhaustion in the practice room, Yeji herself wasn't enough to pull the pale and sluggish girl out of there. If Yuna's maturity and hidden stern-ness hadn't reared their heads then she has no doubt that Lia would've ended up in a hospital bed.

Chaeryeong is under fire for "Being Ugly" and all Yeji could do was scoff at the stupidity of the false accusation. Despite Yeji being Y/N's girlfriend, Chaeryeong was the latter's bias. This information had her shocked, Chaeryeong smug, and worst of all: It gave Ryujin a field day. Which resulted in getting the other three members in on teasing her. "Anyone who catches Y/N's eye is fucking beautiful" she mutters to herself. Not to toot her own horn but Y/N has an eye not only for gorgeous looking people, most times those she ends up liking are great people with great personalities. Your ex, Ahn Hyejin of Mamamoo is a damn great example of that.

Another one of her members under fire is Yuna, the baby of their new little family. Knets had a field day when it was found out that the Maknae wasn't originally planned to become a part of ITZY. Jumping on the chance to poke at the youngest's insecurity, thry took to saying that she wasn't good enough to be with them, much less have debuted at all. That's bullshit, and she won't leave room for argument. Yuna is the glue that holds them together, the friend that they can't imagine not having even when they've been a group for less than a year. She stands up to Yeji without being disrespectful when the leader is being too strict or controlling. She pulls Lia out of her workaholic state whenever it starts to become detrimental instead of beneficial. She is the one carrying Ryujin's ass whenever the latter thinks her dad jokes are funny. She's the one to calm Chaeryeong down backstage whenever the latter is feeling nervous, anxious or on the verge of a breakdown.

Ryujin's a reliable friend through and through, but if the fate of the world was decided by the rapper's ability to tell a funny joke? Yeji bets that they all would've died ages ago, she's better at joking around with actions than she is with words. Which leads to some people labeling some of Ryujin's actions as "Bullying". Yeji admits to herself that, yes. To the untrained eye it does seem as if Ryujin's the type, she has the face of a villain when she wants to look intimidating after all. But the rapper is also the softest person she has ever known in her life, testified by the one time they had a pillow fight in the dorm. In the heat of the moment, Ryujin's slipper got thrown and it knocked a Lizard dead off their wall. The pillow fight abruptly ended with four members trying to make her feel less guilty over the critter's untimely death.

Lia interjected that had the moment been captured on camera, some MIDZYs would be making a meme of how they'd like to be that "Lucky" lizard. Ryujin cried harder, because the lizard was not at all "Lucky" in her opinion.

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Yeji was so lost in her own thoughts and so fatigued that she didn't even realize that she had finished changing from her performance outfit to the clothes she wore before clocking in for work. It was only when she had closed the door to her dorm room did she realize how tired she actually was. She was thankful she had been given her own room instead of bunking with someone else again, she's not too sure she could make it up in a bunk bed if she was still roommates with someone.

She crashes onto the bed and pulls out her phone. Most days she would get some shut eye and just facetime her girlfriend in the morning, but at the moment she thinks she'll end up in a mental ward if she goes another second without hearing her Y/N speak. So despite the fact that she can't feel her legs anymore and that her eyelids are growing heavier by the second, she calls.

Ring

Ring

Ring

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Ring

Ring

Ring

You're pulled from the coziest and most comfortable sleep you've fallen into for the night by a constant ringing. You rub your eyes and turn towards your nightstand where your phone is located. "Who in their right fucking mind would be calling at this hour?" You grab your phone and the caller photo snaps you out of your mood before you even see the caller's name.

You hurriedly turn on your lamp on the nightstand and then proceeded to hit answer. "YEJ- whoa, not that I'm unhappy to see you but you look like you should be asleep instead. You look tired as hell Yej. Did you eat yet? How about water? Please stay away from dehydration and be sure to drink regularly." Yeji smiles at you, with her eyes drooping every now and then. "Yeah, I should be asleep but I just missed you so much I couldn't sleep without seeing you first."

You sit up and lean against the head board instead of laying down, your worry increasing tenfold. "What's wrong?" Yeji knows how to prioritize her health first and she never calls you half asleep because she had always claimed that you deserved nothing less than her full attention. She never calls you half asleep unless she's alarmingly close to losing her composure. Her eyes widen as soon as the question leaves your mouth, and a sniffle makes its way through the line. She burried her face in her arm and struggles with wanting to tell you and wanting to fake being strong with you.

You sense the dilemma within your girl and you refuse to let her carry this alone. "Hey, I'd never force you to spill. But I am always gonna be here to listen to your troubles. I already know how strong you are, you've got nothing more to prove. Let it out and I'll be here to support you." Yeji's resolve crumbles and she cries as she tells you everything that's been weighing her down today. She cries because of the unfairness of it all, she cries about how she can't protect her girls, she cries about how she wants nothing more than to wrap them up in a hug and not let go until they're all better but the girls just like their leader want to seem strong and untouchable for each other.

Yeji cries about how she wishes she was with you instead of working, she cries about how guilty she feels for sometimes wishing that they never had to go through the unfairness that the idol life had to offer, she cries about how she feels like she's disappointing the MIDZYs for feeling as she feels. She cries because it's just the start of their journey and she's already so tired. She cries because it's the only way she knows how to get rid of the stress, even if it's just a temporary solution.

What hurts you the most is that she doesn't look at you as she says this. You're a MIDZY after being Yeji's girlfriend and it you don't miss the way she chokes up even more when she said she feels like she's disappointing the fandom. You let your girlfriend let it all out before taking a moment to pull yourself together, and then you speak.

"I can't and I won't tell you that I understand how you feel as an Idol because I'm not one. But as a MIDZY, I can and I will tell you that you were born to be the leader of ITZY, no one else could step up to that role as well as you do even if they tried. Tell the girls I told you to let the haters run their mouths, because we MIDZYs know that each and every one of you brings something special to the table. ITZY isn't ITZY if it doesn't have Hwang Yeji, Choi Jisu, Shin Ryujin, Lee Chaeryeong and Shin Yuna as the members. You girls are a fucking unit and you are all strong enough to knock those bitches speechless."

You stare at Yeji the whole time and notice that although her body has stopped shaking, her tears are still making their way down her cheeks. You take in every detail of her face and wish with everything within you that you were there with her to wipe her tears and hold her close. In your opinion, words aren't enough but you suppose due to the distance between you two that you've gotta work with what you have at the moment. Right now all you have are feelings and words.

"Now as your girlfriend." Yeji's head adjusts enough that you could see half of her face, but the other half still remains buried in her arm. "I'm telling you that you can never disappoint me." She chuckles in humor before turning her gaze away from her phone. "You don't know that, I'm not perfect-"

"I never said you were."

Silence sits between the two of you. Not once in your whole relationship had you intentionally interrupted Yeji when she was speaking, you strongly believed that everyone deserved a chance to speak their piece. But that had exceptions. Such as now. "I never said you were perfect, because you're not. You're human and you have your flaws but believe me when I say that you could never disappoint me, despite the fact that humans weren't designed to be perfect you still work on yourself everyday trying to polish all the rough edges, trying to better yourself not for anyone or anything but yourself because you really want to be better than you were in the past. How could I be disappointed in someone as noble as that?"

You notice that she's now actively fighting to keep her eyes open and you smile. "You okay for now?" She nods and you continue. "Then go to sleep, God knows you both need and deserve a good night's rest. I'll call you back tomorrow when you wake up, so you can tell me about everything else your sleep addled brain forgot to tell me tonight."

Yeji uncovers the other half of her face and eyes stare at her screen that shows your face, now more than ever she wishes she was there with you, to thank you and hold you for everything you've said and for the way you've calmed her down. She promises herself that once you meet back up in person, she'll make it up to you. But for now words will have to do.

"Thank you Y/N. I love you."

Your smile grows wider and Yeji swears she's ready to make a fool out of herself just to ensure that that smile never fades away from your face. You take your a moment to memorize the candid details of Yeji's face before replying. "I love you too Yeji. Good night." Both of you wave goodbye and as heavy of an action it was, you take the initiative to end the call because you know that if you left it up to your girlfriend she would never hit that End Call button.

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Yeji places her phone on the nightstand by her bed.

Y/N lies back down properly on the bed.

The two stare straight ahead of them, eyes unfocused.

They take a deep breath before closing their eyes, ignoring the need that courses through their hearts.

"I'll be with her soon enough."

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A/N: I think this is the longest fic I've written on this app? Why the hell is there too little ITZY content on this app? it feels like drought istg 😭😭

[afictionalwhore]

Learning Your Lesson

A/N: This isn't the first fanfic I've written, but it's the first I've finished. It's on the darker side, which I have no problem writing, I don't want my blog to be only that. That Keishin kitchen one is coming I just gotta get through finals. Thank you @kogo for the idea! You mentioned it, so I took it and bolted. 

TW: noncon/dubcon, yandere, phone sex, masturbation, implied drinking

"Baby," Hawks cooed into the phone, "what's wrong?"

It was in the middle of his night patrol when you called him, the ringtone specifically set for you jingling throughout the empty streets from his jacket pocket. When he picked up, he was met with your soft sobs on the other end of the line. 

"Keigo?" Your voice barely audible. "Can you come get me? I don't want to talk about it here."

"(y/n), what's the matter," Hawks says, voice dropping an octave.

“You were right, Keigo,” you sob. “I shouldn’t have gone. I shouldn’t have gone out tonight.”

“(Y/n),” Hawks said, the seriousness in his voice chilling you more thoroughly than the night air. “What happened?” He was growing restless, pacing the same alleyway. He told you not to go out. You should have listened to him. You should always listen to him. He can only hope you learned your lesson this time. 

Since you and the Number 2 Hero began dating, Hawks had grown increasingly paranoid about your safety. If it had been anyone else, Hawks' possessiveness over you could have been seen as controlling; you told yourself that he only had your safety in mind. Dating a pro hero, especially such a high ranking one, came with its dangers, and your quirklessness made you an even easier target. If anything happened to you, Hawks wouldn't know what to do with himself, a fact he constantly reminded you of. 

You insisted on going out with your friends tonight. “Keigo,” you whined, stretching his name out like you were one of his teenage fans, “Please. I haven’t seen them in months.” You were just a quirkless nobody, making minimum wage and barely scraping by to make rent and survive your shitty neighborhood. Scratch the latter bit. You were just a quirkless nobody, but since your relationship with Hawks kicked off, the pro had moved you into his apartment, a much safer, much more suitable place for you, and you know longer had to worry about your safety. Except on occasions like these. Your friends, all either quirkless or with minor quirks that would be useless in protecting you should anything happen, were gathering to celebrate an engagement, and surprise surprise they invited you.

Hawks tried his best to persuade you otherwise, listing all the dangers of going out without him, or going out at all, especially when you were dressed like that. Your little skirt falling just over your ass. Anyone could drop their wallet behind you and sneak a peek up your skirt. Your shirt was much too tight; and where was your jacket? You're just showing off the goods for everyone, like you were asking for something to happen.

But you could not, would not be swayed. You missed your friends. Though you loved Hawks, “It's Keigo, baby,” he would insist, you craved your friendships, and you were overjoyed to find that they didn’t hate you for practically disappearing on them since your relationship with Hawks, "Keigo", had become serious. 

“What happened?” Hawks repeated, his impatience growing.

“It all happened so quickly,” you sobbed.

“(y/n),” Hawks quite nearly growled out. “What. Happened.” You were really testing him right now, what with interrupting his patrol, albeit his boring, uneventful patrol. How could he help you when you weren't telling him what was wrong.

"I was leaving the bar. You remember which one?" Your voice shook. Hawks held back a scoff. Of course he knew where the bar was. It was the very bar frequented by the League, nestled neatly into the roughest area of town; it's inexpensiveness appealing to your friends' cheapness more than the potential danger drove them away. He told you they couldn't be trusted.

"Well I was leaving," You must be shaking like a leaf. Hawks can hear it in your voice. "And I get this feeling, like someone's following me. So I walk faster, and I—" you cut. Soft cries filled Hawks' ears as he listened.

Hawks can feel himself growing tighter in his pants as you cry. He knows where this is heading. He told you not to go, but you didn't listen. It would be rude of you to ask them to reschedule to a date when Hawks could more easily pick you up, or even better, accompany you. You were too overjoyed when they reached out with an invitation despite your disappearance in their life. But now here you were, sobbing—god how he loved your cries—to him over the phone because some asshole had roughed you up a bit. What did you expect leaving The League of Villains' bar alone at this ungodly hour? 

As angry as he was over your stupidity, he couldn't deny how hot you sounded in your current state. His arousal was confirmed by the decent tent forming in his uniform pants. After a quick scan of the area, Hawks found a nearby alleyway to slip into. He was thankful his designated area to patrol tonight was rather unlively. Leaning against the rough bricks, Hawks found himself quickly undoing his belt, shoving his pants and boxers down just enough to free himself. 

"Go on, baby," Hawks said. It took all his self control not to let so much as a slight hitch in his voice show as he encouraged you to talk.

"Keigo, please. I don't know why I have to tell you all right now." you sobbed. "Please, just come get me."

"Baby," Hawks drawled, suppressing a moan as he languidly stroked himself up to full hardness. "I don't want you to have to relive this more than you have to. So you just tell me now, as detailed as possible. I can fill out whatever reports you would need to for you, and you won't ever have to think about this again." It was hard for you to argue with Hawks in your fragile state. “I know what’s best for you, baby bird. Tell me everything.”

So you did. You told Keigo all about the strange man who you guessed had followed you out of the bar. Who would just be lurking outside the League's bar waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting quirkless? Hawks would bet his next several paychecks just who would be doing exactly that.

You told Hawks about the rough, calloused hand over your mouth accompanied by the low voice in your ear whispering that if you so much as made a squeak, you'd be cremated on the spot. Bingo. At least he wasn't losing much in a bet against himself. Judging by the state of his hard cock in his gloved hand, he was actually winning here. 

Hawks would have just laughed at you had he not been so fucking turned on. He would have to look past that cheesy "cremation" line. How did you not know who was lurking around the sleazy bar waiting for a hot piece of meat, for you, to stumble out the bar, drunk and alone. Were you always such an idiot? How did you ever survive without him?

You told him about how you had been unceremoniously dragged into the alley next to the bar and shoved face first into the bricks of one of the bar's outer walls. Hawks' eyes fluttered shut, his mouth hung up as his head fell back against the wall he braced himself against. His fist picked up the pace, imagining your soft protests and how lovely your weak, slurred cries of "please no" would have sounded as your skirt was flipped up and panties ripped through. Knowing your attacker, a hole very well could have been burned through for easy access. He'd have to check once he got you home and asleep. 

Hawks continued pumping himself as you continued your sob fest, jerking his foreskin up and down over his angry almost purple head. God how he wished to be there, listening to your sobs, cooing at you that everything was going to be okay as he kissed your tear stained, brick scratched cheeks and stroked a finger over that pretty, abused pussy of yours.

His gloved thumb rubbing over his slit, as he pictured how badly your insides were wrecked, how that jacob's ladder would have scraped against your warm plush walls. Were you even wet? You had to be. After all, only a slut would have gone out when he told them otherwise. He could only imagine how rough the man in question was with you and your pliant body. In your drunken state, how hard could you have fought back? Not very hard, Hawks had gotten you nice and drunk quite a number of times, and that was exactly why he protested you going out in the first place. His breathing grew heavier the closer he came to his release.

"Keigo?" your feeble voice called out over the phone's speaker. "Are you okay?"

"Yea, baby. I'm okay." Hawks collected himself. Pull yourself together, man. "Are you okay? I'm just so angry." that you didn't listen to me. 

"Keigo, are you close?" Oh he was close alright. Just a few more strokes, a few more sniffles and whines from you, and he would be right there. 

“Please, Keigo. Hurry up. I’m cold and scared. Keigo, I’m so scared.” That's all he needed.

“I’m coming, baby. I’m coming.” Hawks said, praying you couldn’t hear the breathlessness in his voice. His brilliant wings puffed and gave a few strained flutters before shaking tensely as his hand stilled and streaks of hot white fell on the dirty street below him. You weren’t the most intuitive, so you’d probably attribute it to his anger.

With his lust no longer clouding his mind, a sudden worry stuck Hawks. 

"Did he cum in you?" Hawks practically growled.

"What? No. Why are you asking me this?" your confusion briefly pausing your sobs.

"Just checking to see if you need me to make a stop by the pharmacy," Hawks explained as he stuffed himself back in his pants. "I'm on my way. I just have to make a quick call, baby. I love you." He zipped himself up and fixed his belt back into place. He shook out and stretched his wings. Hawks couldn't remember ever cumming that hard. 

"No. Keigo, please don't hang up," you hiccuped.

"Baby, baby," Hawks cooed, "I gotta let the commission know that I'm taking off early. You don't think I'd just continue working after this?" A smirk worked its way onto his handsome face. He could imagine your cute face scrunched into a pout. "Do you have that little faith in me? It's the least you could let me do before I leave patrol early for you. You think you learned your lesson?"

"Um," your voice trembles, Hawks’ last statement confusing you. "I suppose." You weren’t sure what your lesson was; you just wanted Keigo to take you home.

"Good girl,” a dark smile finds his way on Hawks’ face. I'll call you right back. I promise," Hawks reassures you, the fear in your voice as you feebly protested was almost enough to make him hard again. "I'll let you hang up, okay? I love you."

"Okay," you sniff, "I love you too." 

Hawks hears the light click signaling that you hung up and glances down at his phone for confirmation before quickly dialing another number, his smile growing darker as he waited out the ringing. After about three rings, Hawks broke out in a full smile, his crazed golden eyes gleaming in the moonlight of the alleyway he had hidden himself into. 

“What you do want now, ya fucking pigeon?” a rough, gravely voice answered.

“Thanks, Touya. I really owe you one.”

[bearlythere]

lunar new year shenanigans that i need to rant about

as a chinese person, i celebrate lunar new year with my family. here's some things my relatives (& parents) have said to me over the past few days (these are typed in italics and the words typed in bold are my internal thoughts when i heard them - i wish i had the guts to say it out loud for them to hear but it'll just be classified as ✨DISRESPECT✨and i'll probably get scolded so i'm actually 2% thankful that i managed to control my mouth)

please tell me i'm not the only one who experiences this on a YEARLY basis...

- "you need to get a boyfriend by next lunar new year, this is a must, not a choice" i have been single for the past 19 years of my life what makes you think a boyfriend will drop from the sky in the next 11 months - i'm not single by choice somehow i'm just unlucky when it comes to relationship matters. it's not like i'm not actively looking i would also like to get attached but you can't put a deadline on love...

- "and then get married by 26" again, i'm single.

- "and then have kids before 30" i want kids, but by 30? what about my career progression? what about my higher education? impossible

- "omg you've become slimmer, has your weight dropped?" "how heavy are you now? i'm 52kg" "ew why are you still 57kg you should lose more weight" although i work part-time as a sales associate at a pork jerky store and you think i have become slimmer why call me out for how heavy i weigh?? it doesn't matter! as long as i'm not suffering from any health-related issues you should not be concerned about how much i weigh. what's your obsession with numbers on a scale? there's so many things that factor into the weight reading, not just unhealthy fat alone. just because i weigh 57kg which is a little heavier than the ideal BMI for my height it doesn't mean that i need to stop eating and start juice cleaning and extreme dieting

- "why are you vaccinated? aren't you scared of mutated genes?" sorry man i just don't want to die from covid but you do you i guess

- "what are you going to apply for in university? computing? that's a male profession though" "girls shouldn't do things meant for men" "are you doing it for the money?" is it so hard to believe that i actually LIKE computer science and how computers work and the ethics behind the industry? why assume that i'm "in it for the money" straight up, and why gatekeep job industries?

- "why are you so offended? you gotta keep calm, you can't go around giving people a piece of your mind whenever you don't agree with their beliefs" then again, i don't usually call people out when i agree with what they believe in, but once they say it in a way which offends me & insults my intelligence and feelings, i don't see anything wrong with voicing out that i feel offended by their statements.

- end of post thanks for reading it really means a lot to me -

[janiedean]

IDK IF THAT COUNTS AS AN IDEA BUT I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR (MUTUAL) PINING WITH A HAPPY END LIKE THEM LOOKING FOR EACHOTHER AFTER WINNING A BATTLE AND CONFESSING THEIR FEELINGS AND JUST A PURE FLUFF-FEST 😂

OKAY LET’S SEE IF THIS WORKS HOPEFULLY IT’S HALFWAY DECENT THANKS ANON I REALLY WANTED TO WRITE THEM

--

As he flies downwards to land his X-Wing, Poe can see that the situation is far from ideal. Not that it was ideal before, because they were still trying to regroup from the losses they had after destroying Starkiller Base, but they had been hoping that the First Order would lick its wounds for a while. At least until Rey came back with Skywalker.

And instead they launched an attack on D’Qar which made no fucking sense from a military standpoint at first view, except that while he was up in the sky shooting down TIE fighters Poe had realized that it actually did make sense, provided that the First Order was willing to sacrifice a number of people just to weaken them further. He realized when he noticed that they sent enough ships to be a serious nuisance and to put another dent in their already dwindling ranks, but not enough to actually destroy the base or harm them permanently. And well, they did manage, because he can see the hangar with the mess hall in flames (which means they will have very rationed food until they manage to move somewhere else for good), a few other hangars where they stored ships blown up to hell and back, and there’s three people out of his squadron who aren’t answering on the comms. He doesn’t know about the others, but he has a feeling that they must have fared more or less the same.

Which means that the First Order just sent a bunch of pilots to die uselessly just to slow them down, destroy most of their rations, maybe kill a few pilots and a few soldiers, and if they managed to take down someone important even better.

Shit. A year ago he would have found it abhorrent, too, but now -

Now that he knows that there are people behind the Stormtrooper masks and that he knows how they happen to be under that armor, he feels even sicker, because they just sent some fifty people to be slaughtered (they know it doesn’t happen easily that they take enemies alive) and they knew. As if their life didn’t matter a bit, but is he even surprised? After all, he knows first-hand.

He knows first hand, and now that he’s landing with fifteen more First Order ships on his tally he suddenly realizes, didn’t Finn say he’d go grab some food before Poe left their room (formerly his, but there was shortage of quarters after Finn was healed up enough to leave med bay and he offered the spare bed without even blinking)? And wasn’t it some ten minutes from that point until the alarm started blaring?

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck, he thinks, and almost loses control of the ship but thankfully BB-8 saves him and takes over, beeping worriedly the moment he realizes Poe is distracted.

“Shit, thanks for the save, buddy,” he blurts as they finally touch the ground. “Listen, I gotta see if -”

BB-8 chirps something that sounded dangerously like yes, go find your friend and tell him already in droid, except that it was a bit too fast and Poe’s distracted in the first place, but he got the message.

Damn - as if he needed BB-8 to remind him that he’s been planning to actually tell Finn that he’s not sharing his closet with him out of chaste friendship feelings and hasn’t been for a while, except that until now it just... there was no time. First Finn had just been out of med bay and worried sick about Rey, and it just seemed out of place. Then he had been going through necessary rehab and Poe didn’t want to add more to the plate, especially since it was obvious Finn was straightening out a lot of other shit, among which trying to convince the other Resistance members who wouldn’t trust a former First Order soldier out of principle that he actually was on their side. Also, given that from what he’s seen and from what Finn’s told him he doesn’t have much on the tally when it comes to healthy life experiences, Poe had been thinking that he’d do that properly. Like, during a walk in the forest (D’Qar is a lovely place for that, and at least it has the climate going for it), or maybe during a dinner not in the mess hall just for the two of them, maybe he’d have found some flowers to throw in the mix because that’s how it’s done and where Poe comes from it comes from both sides (the first girl he was with had given him flowers, not the contrary), maybe he’d have picked a nice evening when neither of them needed to be with the General or planning something or discussing battle plans.

Yeah, well, he hasn’t, and now he’s feeling like there’s a piece of lead settled in his stomach way heavier than it had been after their unfortunate crash-landing on Jakku. Because then he had known Finn for one hour, now he’s known him for months, and he just - if he’s dead he’s not -

Focus. He needs to focus. He checks with Snap and Jessika first so that he knows they’re accounted for. Then -

“Jess, I need to see if -”

“If your guy made it?”

“My what?”

“Poe, everyone in the fucking squadron knows. Go ahead, Snap and I can deal with assessing the damage.”

“Thank you,” he blurts, and then jumps off the plane, takes out his helmet and runs towards the base.

He can see people swarming around and dragging the wounded towards the med bay - he can’t see Finn, though, damn it - and he’s so distracted as he goes towards the mess hall that he doesn’t notice running into C3-PO until he’s actually done that and hurt his side, because damn but that droid certainly didn’t budge out of the way.

“Shit, sorry, didn’t see you,” he says.

“No offense taken, sir.”

“Is the General all right?”

“Yes, sir. The attack didn’t target her quarters at all.”

Who even planned this entire mess of a mission, Poe would like to know. “Right. And - the mess hall -”

“Luckily, it was almost empty at the time of the attack. Lunch was not to be served for another two hours.”

Right. Good thing that.

“Listen, uh, do you know if Finn is -”

“Oh, sir Finn is doing plenty fine.”

Poe almost faints in relief. “He - he wasn’t in the mess hall, then?”

“No. He said he was going to head there, but he was using crutches and was slowed down, therefore he wasn’t halfway there when the attack started. He’s been in contact with Admiral Ackbar the entire time giving him what information he could about possibly counteracting the First Order ships.”

“Okay. Okay, great. So he’s still -”

“In the communications area, sir. Indeed. I do not think he can have gone much farther than that, in his condi -”

“Thank you,” Poe cuts him, and starts running. Good, that room is fairly safe and it’s in a building that wasn’t hit at all, and obviously Finn must have stayed there since he still uses crutches for walking long distances, even if he should get rid of them in a week or so -

(that was when Poe had planned to fess up)

- and it just makes sense that he wouldn’t move. Okay. Great. He’s just going to run there and -

“Poe?”

What in kriffing hell, he thinks, that sounded like Finn, didn’t it?

He stops and looks at his left where Finn’s hobbling on both crutches (but other than that there’s just dust on his face and then that’s it, thankfully) with a droid running after him.

“Sir, you are not supposed to be out or walking,” the droid chirps, “you might suffer from further damage to -”

“Shut it,” Finn replies, a lot more rudely than he usually is with droids, and -

Poe dumps his helmet on the ground and runs over there and he’s just in time, because the moment they’re in front of each other Finn’s knees pretty much give out and the crutches do, too, but before he can crash unceremoniously down to the ground Poe catches him around his waist and a moment later Finn’s hands are clutching at his shoulders hard enough it hurts, but Poe is sure he’s clutching back as hard and he can’t care less.

Not when it means that -

“Fuck, you’re okay,” he blurts out. “I was worried you’d be in the mess hall, I almost fucked up the landing when I realized -”

“I never got there,” Finn interrupts him. “And you were worried? I saw that one of them almost got your right wing, for a moment I thought they hit you -”

“I’m a better pilot than that,” Poe huffs, but he’s just so relieved he could faint from it. “See, not even a scratch.”

“I know, but - I just - shit, did you just say, you almost fucked up the landing?”

Damn, he didn’t mean to say it, but - fine. Fine. He moves back enough that he can look Finn in the eyes, even if he doesn’t loosen his hold. “First thing, you’re also running around on fucking crutches when it might hurt your back, so right back at you, and second thing - I realized you might have been blown up and I just - blanked out? BB-8 kind of saved my ass there.”

“You blanked out?”

“Fuck - yes, I did, because I was thinking about those bastards having sent some fifty people to die just to fuck with us when it was obvious they couldn’t have survived it, not in those numbers, and then I realized that a year ago you might have been one of them, and now you could have been in there and I had been waiting for the right moment to say it but I hadn’t realized that with this situation the right moment might never arrive, and I just can’t risk this again without having told you -”

“Having told me what?” Finn asks, and for a moment Poe is looking for the proper way to say it (in his head, he’d tell Finn after a nice, long speech because Finn deserved at least that), but then he realizes that they’re both covered in dust in the middle of blaring sirens and that Finn was running on those damned crutches looking for him and -

Fuck that.

“That you’re the best person I know, that I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a hell of a long time and that I’ve been in love with you for - a hell of a long time and there’s nothing in the world I want more than kissing you right now, that’s what I wanted to tell -” He says, and he never finishes that sentence because a moment later Finn’s hands are in his hair and he’s pushed himself upwards and his mouth is crashing against Poe’s and they’re kissing and maybe it’s not the perfect, out-of-a-romance-holo kiss Poe had kind of envisioned for their first, if they ever got that far, because if anything Finn did deserve something in his life to be out of a romance holo, but it doesn’t matter. Because it’s better, and Finn’s kissing him as if he’s been starved for it and Poe doesn’t even try to take it slower because he also has been starved for it and he didn’t know if Finn was alive ten minutes ago and he doesn’t ever want to do it again.

By the time they part Poe has decided that he can’t hold himself up anymore and he’s gone down on his knees and lowered the two of them on the ground, but they hadn’t actually stopped kissing while he was doing it, and then he’s just - he might faint out of being too happy, he decides when he opens his eyes and looks at Finn and realizes he’s never seen him looking happier in the whole time they’ve known each other.

“Poe?”

“Yeah?” He replies, feeling like he’s just ran for half an hour straight and like he won’t be able to breathe properly for a month.

“You were waiting for the right moment?”

“I just - I didn’t want to dump it on you while you were worrying about getting back up on your feet or getting the feel of the place, and I thought I’d just ask you out for a walk after you ditched those crutches or something, but -”

“You know, that’s - real thoughtful of you, but let me tell you, any moment would have been right.”

“Sorry?”

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you since I found out you weren’t dead after all.”

Well, damn. Poe can’t help it - he lets his forehead fall against Finn’s shoulder as he laughs, and then when he moves back he pushes their foreheads together. “Point taken. Next time I’m not gonna wait. By the way, I never want to do this again. I mean, not knowing where the hell you are if we’re fighting.”

“I’ll make sure I’m on the comms. Or did you have a better idea?”

“Dunno, we could steal one of those TIE fighters and paint it orange, modify it so that BB-8 can stay in there too and then I fly and you shoot them. We didn’t do too bad the first time, didn’t we?”

Now Finn laughs, his hands still clutching at Poe’s back. “We didn’t. I can think about it. But I also think I can’t go back to the dorms on my own. Or I could try, but that droid would kill me. I think.”

“I think I would be glad to bring you, but before then -”

“Before then, what?”

Poe just smirks and kisses him again, slower this time, because he wants to savor it, and as Finn kisses him back he doesn’t even take notice of the whistles from whichever people are around them, though he thinks he hears Jessika tell them to get a room already.

Well, they will, but not just now.