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iohourtime · 6 years ago

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Moeyo Ken (Burn! O Sword) - Novel Recap 2

This is the second part of the recap of Moeyo Ken, which will be adapted into a 2020 movie directed by Harada Masato. I will talk about the characters as they were described in the novel in more detail. If you want to learn more about the background of the novel and a brief description of the plot, please click here for the first post. This post will have spoilers.

The Characters

I am going to go with this order instead of the order of the cast list: Oyuki (Shibasaki Kou), Serizawa Kamo (Ito Hideaki), Hijikata Toshizo (Okada Junichi), Kondo Isami (Suzuki Ryohei), and Okita Souji (Yamada Ryosuke).

Oyuki

She was an original character created by Shiba to serve as the love of Hijikata’s life. Historically, there were no records of Hijikata forming deep attachments with any women. She followed her late samurai husband from Edo to Kyoto to learn to paint, so when he died, she continued to live there. Hijikata literally stumbled into her small apartment after a fight and fell in love immediately, but he treated her with respect (i.e. he didn’t immediately try to sleep with her). He viewed her as more than his wife1 and even took 2 days off to spend some time with her. (The man never took time off.) She was strong willed, kind and loved Hijikata, but that was pretty much her whole storyline. Based on filming reports, it seems like Harada is bringing her character into the story much earlier than the novel, and she's number two on the cast list, so maybe she has a bigger role in the movie.

Serizawa Kamo

He was the first commander of the Shinsengumi. Serizawa Kamo was not his real name and there were rumours that he was hiding from something. Kamo means duck, actually, which was an odd choice. Anyway, although his gang occupied key positions within the group, Hijikata made sure the real operational power rested with the Vice Commander and the team leaders, which were mostly filled with Kondo’s gang. Hijikata also asked Kondo to play a fool in front of Serizawa's gang so they wouldn't suspect the eventual coup.

Serizawa was crude and petty. One time, he killed a sumo wrestler because the guy took his preferred spot or something petty like that. He also fired a canon at a rich family's mansion to get protection money from them. The Bakufu was horrified and secretly told Kondo and Hijikata to get rid of him, not that they weren’t already plotting to do so. Okita once made a strange comment2 about how Serizawa might be the most “innocent” of them all, and director Harada said he wanted to explore that in the movie. I don’t know what to make of it since Serizawa was portrayed as a brute in both novels. Perhaps Okita meant he had no agenda? I don’t know. That Souji was a strange boy.

Anyway, Kondo’s faction made one of Serizawa’s right-hand man commit seppuku for failing the bushido. This move weakened Serizawa's faction and although he was angry, he did nothing to retaliate or protect himself. On the night of Serizawa's assassination, the kill squad disguised themselves as ronin and surprised Serizawa when he was being amorous with his mistress. They also killed anyone who might recognize then. After Serizawa’s death, the other 3 members were either killed in a fight or forced to commit seppuku.

The Trio

The Shinsengumi was really controlled by Kondo and Hijikata, though no one wanted to admit it. Since Okita had them wrapped around his little fingers, he was the big boss! (Kidding 😁) Taking both novels into account, I think Kondo was the face of the group, Hijikata was the guy who got things done, and Okita was the guy who knew everything including gossips, but only dropped cryptic hints when it was warranted.

Warning: major spoilers coming up.

Hijikata Toshizo

Hijikata Toshizo started off as an aimless punk (a baragaki) who dreamed of becoming a samurai. He even wore his hair pseudo samurai style, which was not what farmers did back then. He was rather handsome with cool and refreshing eyes and women loved him. He loved to sleep with women who he perceived to be above his social status. The first few pages of the novel were rather shocking to my modern sensibilities - his conquering of this priest’s daughter was straight up rapey, even though the reader was reminded that it was how things were back in those days and the girl subconsciously expected him to drop by or some $hit like that. I don't know why Shiba put in this fictional detail because it's unnecessary to the plot. Even if it presented a contrast to the man he eventually became, it's not like Toshizo didn't already do a lot of questionable things early on. Perhaps he hated Toshizo? 😅

Anyway, he started an affair with a woman with status he met during a temple (sex) festival3. Unfortunately, when he got caught sneaking out of her room one night, he accidentally killed a well known swordsman. This incident drove the story in the Hino arc as Shichiri, a member of a rival dojo, seeked justice for the dead (really an excuse to get rid of a business rival). Toshizo got into a few battles of wits & strength with Shichiri, through which we learned that despite Toshizo being a farm boy, he was a natural born strategist who specialized in guerilla warfare.

The Shinsengumi gave Toshizo a life purpose and allowed him to show off his organisational management skills. At that time in Japan, military and police organizations assigned two people doing the same job. Toshizo recognized the inefficiency in the structure, especially if they needed to mobilize quickly, so he borrowed from the French army and introduced this revolutionary idea of having only one person in each position and splitting up the group into teams with different responsibilities that report up to an executive branch. Yes, it sounded logical now but it was radical back then! The most important thing was that he transferred the real power to the vice commander level.

Toshizo was gruff, undiplomatic, and ruthless in achieving his goals. He did come up with the harsh Shinsengumi code after all. In fact, Souji once told him that the Shinsengumi members kind of hated him. Even Souji hated him for a minute because of Yamanami. But as Toshizo told Souji afterwards, he chose to be hated. He just wanted Shinsengumi to become a force to behold and for Kondo to succeed as its leader, so he took on the bad guy disciplinary role in order that the members would continue to love and admire Kondo.

Toshizo also hated the academic type, so he butted heads with Yamanami and Ito. His distaste and distrust were partly born out of his own lack of education. He felt that educated people only knew how to talk theory and kiss ass, and they impeded his ability to do real work. (And jealousy?)

In the battle of Toba-Fushimi, even though the Bakufu suffered a huge loss, Hijikata’s squad was the only one that managed to do some damage against the modern Western artillery. The Bakufu started to notice Hijikata’s military prowess and eventually made him a vice commander in the army. He really came into his own in the northern arc after Kondo was gone.

The continuous battles and deaths really took a toll on Toshizo. Earlier in the novel, while strolling with Souji, he said he liked spring. Souji commented that people who liked spring tend to place their hopes and dreams in tomorrow. Yet in Toshizo’s final days, he told one of his underlings that he only fought for today. In one memorable scene before the final battle, he saw the spirits of his friends in his room. They all looked tired to him. Knowing it was time to end so everyone could rest, he sent his page Ichimura Tetsunosuke4 and Saito Hajime away on missions, saving their lives so they could pass on the stories of the fallen brothers. For Toshizo, instead of surrendering, he chose to face his enemies head on - fighting for the Shinsengumi and going out in a blaze. He was killed by a bullet5.

As Shiba himself said, Kondo was a hero during the peaceful times, but Hijikata was a hero during chaos. As much as the Shinsengumi was born in the wrong time, Toshizo was in his element. I'll let Toshizo himself summarize his world view with what he told Souji:

_"This is a sword. A sword is made by a craftsman to kill. The sword's characteristic and purpose are both simple. It's just like the military strategy books describe, its only purpose is to defeat the event. But look, look at the pure beauty. A sword is more beautiful than a beautiful woman. When I see beautiful women in front of me, I won't feel nervous. The beauty possessed by a sword could melt the stone heart of a man, and took a strong hold of him. That's why our purpose needs to be pure, our thoughts need to be pure. The Shinsengumi can only exist for this integrity. Souji, for me, no matter how the world changers, or whether Bakufu admit defeat and surrender, if I have a single breathe left, I'll persevere. Can I waver like Kondo? Up to now, I've covered my hands with blood to protect Shinsengumi. Serizawa, Yamanami, Ito… they all did by my hands. Why did I kill them? When they died, they were all facing death without wavering. If I waver now, then how do I face them in the afterlife? The journey of a man - is to create beauty, my own beauty. This is what I firmly believe." _(A very dude thing to say. 😏)

Kondo Isami

Kondo Isami was Toshizo's best buddy, or “sworn brother”. He was the fourth master of TRR. According to other people's description, he was a true leader, easygoing and generally loved by the squad. I didn't see any incident in the novel that supported that except for his command over the Ikedaya mission and what others said about him.

He was an uneducated farmer, so he loved hanging out with the educated people, yet he got jealous of them when they became more popular than him. Unfortunately, he was also very susceptible to flattery, so he tended to keep sycophants around him. Once he got a taste of success, he started politicking with the Bakufu, keeping mistresses and dressing above his station, and was quite concerned about status. So perhaps he would have been a good leader in peaceful times, he really came apart when things turned, making bad decision after decision. In other words, I kinda hated this novel's version of him. (I think he's normally portrayed in better light. 😅) Actually, I think Shiba disliked him too, as his depiction in both novels were not flattering. He was basically a fool who thought he was clever. Again, this may not be how he was in real life.

While Kondo might seem like a forthcoming guy, remember how he conned Serizawa's gang into believing he was weak and foolish. He also fooled Ito by pretending to become Tobaku, when he was just trying to get him drunk enough to be assassinated by Hijikata's team.

As the Shinsengumi grew, Kondo and Toshizo's vision started to diverge. Kondo cared more about becoming a daimyo (a feudal lord with land) while Toshizo wanted to expand. Kondo was so blinded by the land the Bakufu promised that he didn't realize they were going on a hopeless mission to take Koshu. In the end, Kondo and Toshizo parted ways in Nagareyama due to ideological differences: Kondo wanted to surrender and Toshizo tried to get Kondo to go with him.

Toshizo: When we were on the rise, you were such a great leader; now that we were going down, you changed and no longer want your dream.

Kondo: That's right. I don't want to be remembered as a traitor. I'm not like you. I understand the meaning of greater good.

Toshizo: The power structure changes with time, but isn't surrendering shameful for a man? Win or lose, it's not important. As a man, it's most important to follow one's dreams or die trying.

Kondo: For me, it's more important to follow the right path. Even though we had been comrades in battle forever, did we ever really had a common goal? Let's go our separate ways now.

Toshizo: I don't care. You're coming with me.

Kondo: Thanks for being there for me, but Toshi, please set me free. You built Shinsengumi and made me the commander, but looking back, the Kondo Isami then didn't feel like me. Let me go.

With that, Kondo left. Toshizo didn't chase after him but vowed to keep pursuing his dream. Shortly after, Kondo was captured and executed by the new government. So for someone who was concerned about his name, it was a sad way to go.

Okita Souji

Okita Souji was one of the youngest members of Shinsengumi. He was technically Toshizo’s senpai at TRR since he started learning kenjutsu at the age of 9. He first showed up in the novel when Kondo asked him to investigate Shichiri's dojo. Here was what Shiba casually mentioned in the first 4 pages he appeared.

“Okita bit down on his cute lips and grinned” [while telling Toshizi he was dumb].

“This young man of around 20 looked quite handsome in this outfit” [thought Toshizo].

“Okita was very well spoken due to his good upbringing and he also had a face as beautiful as that of an irokoshou*”, [Toshizo thought as he watched Souji greet the enemy].

_* A koshou refers to a page for a general. They are typically younger boys (15 or so) and were sort of like their personal assistants. An irokoshou was the type of page that also serviced the general sexually… so they tend to be extremely beautiful. _

So, Shiba really wanted the readers to know how good looking Souji was above all else. The novel likely solidified Okita Souji’s short, pretty boy image6 in popular media for decades.

Souji was said to be very innocent, childlike, and polite. When he wasn't working, you could find him playing with children who lived near Mibu Dera. He was smart as well. In the Hino arc, whenever Toshizo started describing the plan of attack, e.g. if Toshi said “you three go to this bridge in the cover of darkness”, Souji would immediately know what strategy he was going for.

Souji's swordsmanship was explained with an anecdote. Toshizo and Souji were challenged by Shichiri to a 2-on-2 duel. Toshizo knew Shichiri would try to lure them into a trap, so he planned a sneak attack. Souji was naturally nervous as he had never killed before, yet he still managed to kill 3+ of the 20 or so enemies. After they escaped, Toshizo was dumbfounded when he noticed Souji didn't get a single drop off blood on his clothes after killing all those people with a sword.

Souji didn’t seem to have any ambition. He was just following his “brothers” when he joined the roshigumi. In his own words, "I'll follow Kondo and Hijikata-san even to hell, although it would be nice if we are going to heaven." What Shiba emphasized in the novel was Toshizo and Souji's bond. In my opinion, Toshizo loved and spoiled Souji unconditionally and unlike most people, Souji could say anything to Toshizo and get away with it. Some examples:

"If you have time, you should read more books, then maybe you can become a good strategist too." That came after Toshizo started laying out his battle strategy.

After Toshizo explained why he chose to be the bad guy, Souji apologized, "I'm too dumb. I didn't know you did all that so the guys won't have to hate Kondo-san." Hearing this coming out of Okita's mouth, Toshizo felt like he was being teased. [Souji added], "Of course, it is also a personality thing."

I guess Toshizo couldn't get mad when Souji said this stuff while “tilting his cute head”. It is always a bit unclear if Souji just had no filter or if he was throwing shade.

Here is one of the most famous HijiOki scene from the novel. Toshizo might be your typical macho man, but he had a secret. Once a month, he would lock himself in his room and everybody would freaked out because they didn't know what he was up to. Except Souji of course. He knocked and cheekily listened to Toshizo frantically tidying up. Souji casually walked into the room and snatched the "Hougiku collection of haikus" from its hiding place. Yes, Toshi wrote spectacularly bad haikus under the pen name of Hougiku (this actually exists)7. Even though Toshizo was embarrassed, he still waited expectantly for Souji's critique of his new work and lit up when Souji said one of them was OK. (Pretty low standards. 😅)

Hijikata opened up to Souji about everything, especially matters of love. When Toshizo got back to HQ after getting injured and meeting Oyuki, Souji went to see him right after the doctor left.

Souji: You got me all worried!

_Toshizo: Sorry… I almost didn’t make it back. But Souji, I think I have fallen for a woman. _

Souji: Eh?

Toshizo: Don’t tell anyone, especially Kondo.

Souji: Then why are you telling me?

Toshizo: You are different.

Souji: Why am I different? Please don’t make me your love counsel.

Toshizo: Ha ha. You are!

I think Shiba intentionally got us to like the cute, childlike, and slightly devilish Souji to make the next part hurt. Souji did not die in battle. Instead, he spent a couple of years wasting away due to tuberculosis. Back then, tuberculosis was basically a death sentence. Once you contracted the disease, it was just a question of how long you have. Shiba didn’t go into details in Moeyo Ken, but in Shinsengumi Keppuroku, after about 2 hours of intense fighting at Ikedaya, Souji started coughing blood. Of course, he was such a badass he managed to chop off his assailant’s head before passing out8. The first time we saw him cough blood in Moeyo Ken was when he chased after Yamanami. (His illness was foreshadowed early on.)

Yamanami Keisuke decided he was done with the Shinsengumi. As you may recall, leaving the group was punishable by death and Toshizo was not going to make an exception. Even though Souji looked at Yamanami like a brother, Toshizo sent him to bring Yamanami back. For the first time in the novel, Souji looked horrified but he still complied. He set out on horseback but because of the cold winter air, he started coughing. He saw the blood on his gloves and thought "I'm going to die soon", though not with sadness or fear. He never seemed too bothered by his own mortality. Souji found Yamanami, who simply said had Toshizo sent anyone else, he'd kill him. Souji told Yamanami he could kill him and make a run for it. Perhaps Souji knew he was going to die anyway and was willing to let Yamanami escape? It didn't matter. Yamanami accepted his fate and asked Souji to be his second for his seppuku.

Souji was basically bedridden in the second volume, rapidly losing weight because he couldn't eat properly. He stopped taking all medicine except for Toshizo's family medicine because Toshizo told him those were effective. Like all fictional characters, as he got sicker, he grew more beautiful and "translucent" (透明感). One thing that never changed was his brilliant smile. He was so blasé about his inevitable death that Kondo found it fascinating.

He still had some pride though. When Yamazaki died, the squad decided to give him a funeral at sea and Souji went with them. He insisted on walking up and down the stairs by himself because he didn't want people see the captain of the first unit be so weak that he needed to be carried. At that time, he already lost half his lung capacity, so even the simple task of walking was a struggle. That didn't stop him from teasing Toshizo when he got a chance.

Perhaps nobody saw the end of Shinsengumi better than this dying young man. The night before the Toba-Fushimi battle, Toshizo went to see him. After talking, Souji suddenly looked at the ceiling and said "Youth is over." Was he talking about himself, or about the many Shinsengumi brothers who would die in the upcoming battles? Toshizo cried.

Even when he was sick, he still worried about Toshizo's love life. 😅 He made sure Toshizo knew Oyuki had moved to Osaka so he could see her. Before he died, Souji also asked a friend to look after Oyuki and made sure she could go see Toshizo in Hakodate afterwards.

Souji spent his final days back home. His sister, Mitsu, tried to stay with him for as long as she could but her husband would be transferred to Edo at any moment. When that day came, she would have to say goodbye to her baby brother forever. That day eventually came. When Souji heard the news, his face was crestfallen for a second before regaining his trademark smile. He held out his now bony hand for Mitsu to hold, but she didn't understand. The siblings talked about some trivial things and their parents. Suddenly, Souji asked, "When dad died, I was just 5 or 6. When I die, will I see them there?" Mitsu finally understood why he wanted her to hold his hand. "Don't be silly. You still have to get better and get a wife." Souji didn't answer. He just asked, "after I'm gone, will there be anyone to light an incense for me (i.e. remember me)?"

Around a month later, they found him dead, collapsed in the hallway, clutching his favorite sword. Legend said he was trying to kill a black cat (a bad omen) but instead, he lost his life. He was buried in the family plot in Tokyo. The following obituary was written about his short life.

"Okita Souji Kaneyoshi studied under Kondo Shusuke, the 3rd heir of Tennen Rishin Ryo since a young age and shown some talent. When he was 12, he faced Oahu Shirakawa Abe clan (?) in a duel and won. He made a name for himself in that clan.

Souji, formerly Sojiro Harumasa, later changed his name to Kaneyoshi. In the 3rd year of the Bankyu era, he joined the newly established Shinsengumi. At the tender age of 20, he became the assistant to the vice commander and captain of the first unit, participating in many missions.

_Unfortunately, life wasn't fair and he was not able to live to an old age. On the 30th day of May in the 4th year of the Keio era, he regretfully passed away." _

He was 24. Even though Kondo was executed a month before, he never found out about it. He died still believing his two “brothers” were alive, still fighting for their dreams.

Okita Souji in Moeyo Ken could seem a bit one dimensional - cute, cheerful, childlike. But was he? Souji was also the captain of the first unit, who probably had one of the highest kill count in the squad. Perhaps his desire to do anything to protect his beloved “brothers” outweigh his gentle nature. As so little was known about Souji, it would remain a mystery.

Notes

Back then, many marriages were arranged so the relationships might not be that great. Guys with Hijikata's rank typically had a mistress or two. Kondo had 3 separate households in Kyoto. ↩︎

In Shinsegumi Keppuroku’s “Assasination of Serizawa Kamo” chapter, which Harada mistakenly attributed to Moeyo Ken in his director’s comment on the movie’s website. ↩︎

Supposedly people in that period were pretty open about sex. So there were these festivals held at the temple where you could look for willing partners. Then they turned off the lights and you get down to business in the dark with the partner of your chose earlier. ↩︎

He was 15 when he tried to sign up with the Shinsengumi before the Toba-Fushimi battle. Although Hijikata knew he was lying about his age, he kept Ichimura as his koshou (page) because he looked like Souji. 😏 ↩︎

There is some debate as to whether the bullet came from the enemy side or his own side. ↩︎

There is very little known about Okita Souji as there were no photos or drawings. There were some fake photos online plus a drawing of what they thought he looked like based on pictures of his grand-nephew, although his family said he didn’t look like that painting. In some records, it was said that Okita was tall, his face was like a flounder, and he slouched, although he had a friendly smile. In another account, he was small and cute. In live action shows, he is generally depicted as having the Samurai / bald hairstyle. ↩︎

Here's a sample: "Even if a single plum flower blossoms, a plum is a plum." Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either. https://mag.japaaan.com/archives/27079 ↩︎

Apparently, once you start to cough blood, you don’t have long to live. Ikedaya happened a while before Souji’s death and since then, he participated in a few other missions, so it is quite unlikely he passed out due to TB. It is generally thought that he passed out due to an unrelated illness or heat stroke. ↩︎

#moeyo ken #novel #recap #okada junichi #shibasaki kou #suzuki ryohei #yamada ryosuke #ito hideaki

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 6 years ago

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How the worst parts of the internet helped shape me as a kid

This post is part of Mashable's You're Old Week. Break through the haze of nostalgia with us and see what holds up, what disappoints, and what got better with time.

a/s/l?

If you know what those three letters stand for, there's a good chance you grew up on the internet like myself. An internet filled with opportunities to steal your innocence.

There was something special about the internet of the late '90s and early 2000s that can never, ever be replicated. It was mysterious, misunderstood, and truly a free place of exploration. More importantly, it was mostly anonymous, or at least it appeared that way.

SEE ALSO: How creepy YouTube channels trick kids into watching violent videos

As parents currently grapple with how their children interact with the internet at such a young age, it's important to take a step back and look at how we got here. Let's relive some of the horrors I witnessed growing up on the internet and consider what lessons their lingering effects hold for this generation.

Chat rooms

For those utterly lost, a/s/l stands for age, sex, and location, and was commonly used in chat rooms during the golden era of the internet — 1995 to 2005-ish. Thanks to Facebook and the rise of social media, much of what we now do on the internet is tied to our real names. But back in the day, we hid behind usernames and screennames, and we changed them often.

I don't exactly remember any vivid conversations I had on the internet with strangers, but I do recall frequenting Yahoo Chat rooms when I couldn't find any of my friends to chat with on AIM. Remembering that today, I'm kinda horrified.

While those chat rooms around the internet had plenty of normal people just looking for conversations, they were also riddled with who the fuck knows trying to get off or take advantage of a young kid. There was even a dedicated section just for teens. Even worse, you could chat with people based on a specific location.

A screenshot of Yahoo chat from the year 2000.

Image: yahoo.com via waybackmachine

Yahoo Chat rooms were rife with catfishing long before the internet term was ever coined. You could be whoever you wanted to be when someone asked you a/s/l? And people were pretty upfront about seeking kids to chat with. While, thankfully, there were no To Catch a Predator scenarios for me in the days of the early internet, it's highly likely I interacted with plenty of scummy people looking to take advantage of kids during that time.

Back in 2005, Yahoo finally shut down user-created chat rooms in an agreement with law enforcement. "Yahoo removed or barred the posting of 70,000 rooms whose names suggested illegal conduct, including the promotion of sex between adults and children," CNET reported at the time.

Yahoo permanently shuttered its public chatroom feature in 2012.

Somehow, I made it out unscathed, and was smart enough to know better, but the chat rooms of the early internet were truly a terrifying place.

Rotten.com and gore galore

Just last year, the internet lost one of its earliest and most disturbing websites, rotten.com. For now, at least.

"The soft white underbelly of the net, eviscerated for all to see: Rotten dot com collects images and information from many sources to present the viewer with a truly unpleasant experience," a welcome message reads on an archived version of the website from 1999.

A screenshot of Rotten.com from the year 1999.

Image: rotten.com via waybackmachine

Simply put, rotten was a compilation of the worst images the internet could find. From pictures of dead celebrities to photos of brutal crime scenes, car crashes, and botched surgeries, the shock site was capable of disturbing just about anyone who made their way to it.

Rotten.com was introduced to me by an old boyfriend of my sister's when I was probably 11 or 12. I recall seeing a photo of a man involved in a motorcycle accident, his head splattered across a highway, and another picture of a guy sucking his own dick. The picture of the accident still fucks me up; the photo of the guy giving himself a blowjob is still impressive.

While I (thankfully) never became a frequent visitor of rotten.com, the disturbing images I saw on the site desensitized and prepared me for the awful internet of today. As I grew up with the internet by my side, I can recall seeing countless beheadings. I watched the entire video of Saddam Hussein being executed in 2006, an unnecessary amount of shootings, car accidents, and just about everything else that would make a normal person vomit.

Seeing those pictures and videos at a young age absolutely helped me cope with some of the things I see on the internet today. Would I be better off not seeing them? Maybe.

Porn, porn, and more porn

I was about 11 or 12 when I was sitting at my computer, probably playing 3D Pinball when I overheard my dad and his friend talking in the kitchen, just down the hall.

"You can just type lingerie into the search and you wouldn't believe what comes up," he told my father, revealing that there was actually porn on the computer in the living room, which he literally never touched at that point.

"No wonder he spends so much time on that thing," my dad joked, clearly referring to me. Jokes on you, Dad, because I had no idea of the obscenities that were available just a few clicks away.

A screenshot of sex.com from the year 2000.

Image: sex.com via waybackmachine

Of course, the first moment I was left alone after hearing there was porn on the internet, I typed something like "boobs" into AskJeeves or Yahoo search. I surfed my way to a crude porn site as fast as my 56k modem could bring me, only to be greeted with an age disclaimer asking me if I was 18 years of age or older.

After thinking it over for a few seconds, I decided to risk it and click "yes." Despite thinking the FBI was going to raid my house for this very serious offense, this began my exploration into sex. I never got "the talk" from my parents. It didn't matter — I had the internet.

It's worth noting here that the internet moved at a grueling pace back in the late '90s when 56k was still king. So navigating a web page with photos, like porn, took a very long time. Given this fact, and that at the time my computer was shared with my family, I decided to do what any preteen would do with a color printer.

That's right, I printed out porn. My mom found it in my sock drawer, and still occasionally makes fun of me for it.

While there are more than a few think pieces on how learning about sex through internet porn is terrible for a young boy's mind, and will turn them into sexist monsters with unrealistic expectations, I'm thankful for the unfiltered internet as a useful resource in my horny pubescent youth.

Talking about sex with anyone — even friends — can be humiliating at that age, and at the time sex education provided to me in school was laughably bad, sometimes even frowned upon. That said, there are definitely more appropriate ways to learn about sex, and as a society, we have much to improve upon.

Weed, drugs, and an online education

When I was 14 years old, I smoked weed for the first time.

This wasn't some spontaneous decision made in a dimly-lit room forced by peer pressure. I wanted to try marijuana, I sought it out, and I learned everything that I need to know about smoking weed through the internet.

Weeks before lighting up, the topic came up among a few of my good friends at the time, and we decided we were going to do it. I won't lie, I was pretty terrified of what would happen, so I did my best to sift through the bullshit pushed upon us by D.A.R.E., and find out the truth about marijuana. I found Erowid.

While there were plenty of websites dedicated to cannabis in 2001 and 2002, Erowid was, and remains, one of the best sources for information on drugs. The thing that makes Erowid so great is that it provides real information from real people about their experiences with various drugs, including dosages, effects, and experiences.

A screenshot of Erowid.org in the year 2001.

Image: erowid.org via waybackmachine.

I'll be the first to admit that I adopted cannabis use way too young, and I'm sure that it affected my school performance and my brain development. But teens and young adults aren't going to stop experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and at least the internet informed me of the real dangers in a way that wasn't preachy.

Would I have tried cannabis without the internet? Definitely, but using the web to learn about drugs was an invaluable resource that was not available elsewhere. I consider myself lucky for landing on Erowid, and not a forum with irresponsible users suggesting people us harder drugs.

Are the kids gonna be alright?

I've been thinking a lot recently about how the internet has shaped me as a person, and how it's affecting the youth today. Before muttering their first words, kids have probably already watched a YouTube video. They have Instagram accounts before they're able to read, and hashtags dedicated to their entire lives.

But for me, the internet was a choice. I sought it out, and all of its opportunities to corrupt my youth. For kids today, it's become nearly impossible to disconnect.

And again, when I discovered corners of the internet I shouldn't have ventured to as a kid, it moved at a snail's pace. Today's web is fast, pictures load in the blink of an eye, and HD streaming video is basically expected, thanks to YouTube.

It feels like the internet is at a breaking point, and we as a society are finally questioning the experiment. It's incredibly important for us to ask ourselves how the internet has altered our lives, and not just the convenience factor with 2-day free shipping, but really, how has the internet changed who we are? It certainly changed me growing up.

I do still value the internet as an important growing up tool, which helped me learn about life, both the good parts and bad. But in the back of my mind I'll always wonder what would have happened to me if I never logged on.

WATCH: You know you're getting old when you remember using these phones

#_uuid:cdef7de6-6b47-3f67-adef-4c1cecbc5715 #_author:Brian Koerber #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_revsp:news.mashable

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