#nothing pls i don't do this mental illness in halves.. pls either consume my being with something or leave me just okay! god
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weilan....
#it just all comes back to them oh my god#idk its just.. about all of it. clinging to one significant moment years (in their case thousands) ago and just letting that moment propel#you even though there isnt rlly a good reason for that but you cling to it. knowing it may never rlly be fulfilled and then it does and then#well fuck youre face to face with something you only really hoped was a reality and now u cant just hide behind a hope. that thing is real#and staring you in the eye and youve just gotta deal with that all of a sudden but also like thats kinda hard bc u were okay with what u#resigned urself to and fuck idk how to put it in words but them#but also like. fuck. the way theyre just equals and whole complete ppl without the other but the moment theymeet something just changes and#its smth you can't rlly put into words but like. its just there and god... idk im obsessed with these dudes and likely just trying to put#off my own responsibilities and ignore my own shortcomings as a person and just idealizing this sorta predetermined sorta spark with someone#at random that wont come bc like.. im insane but also theres a lot there and also just... the self sacrifice and the#fact that they never rlly truly got to be happy and that just feels right to me like. yea idk thats just realistic. i mean of course they#were happy with their choices and it was worth it but fuck like they rarly got a break and then the ending happens and like i have my own#thoughts on that but fuck weilan makes me crazy but not as crazy as before bc like im not as mentally ill but i kinda wish i was bc now i#just feel a very lukewarm like unsettling in the pit of my stomach kinda insane and not the all consuming cathartic kinda insane and i miss#that.. i liked having a reason for all of this rather than a grey lukewarm sorta... thing thats always there... its annoying.. like all or#nothing pls i don't do this mental illness in halves.. pls either consume my being with something or leave me just okay! god#anyways this is long#im SO sorry but yk!!#🐌.txt
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