#nothing i do is of consequence and ? I'm literally wasting my life bc my life literally has no value rn

[compudescamso3000]

2023

It's been a while (not to say a couple of years...) ever since i been on tumblr, like for real. Looking for something in my old posts... i couldn't help but realize how bad i felt back then...

(and how cringe my english was)

Althought i can't say i'm fully happy now, i'm just a bit less bad... i hope i'm in the right way? I had some post full of hope over what the future was holding for me, making it even sadder how everything turned out now that i'm ... stepping on the time it was supposed to be my future, how my soul was crushed over and over.

Seeing in those posts how i went from someone who happily wanted to sing and that would sing as easily as breathing, to someone who could barely speak a word, whose voice would just have a limited time for speaking, a limited amount of words to say per day. More than a 5 min talk would leave me with a sore throat for days...

The source of high amount of my sadness been gone for 2 and half years now, not that i'm happy over her departure, i'm ... living a more peaceful life trying to understand how to be a person.

It's unbelievabe how trying to make your parents happy can break a person to the point that doesn't awknoledge it's own self, how easy it's to break someone else to the point that desires to die, but knows that attempting to make it happen, if failing, would lead to worse consequences from those that's already experiencing.

I wish i was braver...

"you better be using your phone only to sales"/"who you talking to? is it for a sale?" so i literally had to stop socializing

"everything you have, it was me who paid for it" so i basically stopped using much of my stuff

"come to the kitchen i want to tell you something" every couple of mins bc the 'something' was never told, so i ended up staying staring at the nothingless waiting to hear something that would never be said, to the point i barely laid a feet in my room but to sleep.

"you're useless, you do nothing, you're not helping at all and i'm paying for everything" but... i did DO a lot of stuff, house cleaning, laundry, sales, grocery shopping and most of the cooking, plus the sales picking up and organize the items... the sales itself the pricing the package the dropping at the post office.

"you know nothing/everthing you say you're wrong" then i stopped answering questions, i stopped giving my opinion

"you don't listen when i'm calling you" so i stopped listening to music

"you're drawing? that's a waste of time you're supposed to be studying" so i stopped doing it as well or if i wanted it so bad i had to sacrifice time from my sleep after SHE went sleep... "you can paint/draw on these stuff to sell" yeah, of course, when it was HER gaining money out of my work she was totaly up to me drawing...

"i'm going out to x place with x, i'll be back at x time" "are you sure you wanna go?"x500 times on a row till i say "you know what? i'm staying" so i barely went out in my life, and now the parent that's still around is *concerned* about me not leaving the house... oh dear god, i asked for his help more times that i can remember, and he never said a thing.

So... at the end, the career i was so proud about, the one that made my heart happy, i was silently forced to drop it, because i had to skip classes, because i coulnd't socialize and make connections, because i had NO time to do the one thing needed for it ... which was 'training my ears', because i wasn't let study. I changed for a career she'd be happy about, naive enought to thing she'd let me time to study for it... Only to realize she would expect me to answer messages from and about the sales page 24/7: while on classes, while being asleep (yes, i even had to wakeup to answer...), only for her to answer whatever thing pleased her even if i told her exactly what to say, because of course, she knew better. Even if it was my working, i wouldn't get paid or be able to decide what to bring to sell, i was not owner of my own money, because i had no bank account.

So i became silent, i stayed in standby mode sitting as a stuppid NPC awaited to be spoken to, seeing how my life was crushed and not knowing how to pick up the pieces. Sacrificing my sleeptime was the only hope to socialize... but when you sleep only 5~6 hours it's a terrible idea.

I'm broken, inside and outside. And it's sad to admit that i never attempted suicide because i knew that despite knowing that the treatment i recived was because 'i'm not a boy', the consequences i'd have to suffer were going to be even worse, i only lived because of Infinite, because sacrificing my sleeping time to listen to their music was the only thing warming my heart, and my dreams the second main source of happines/freedom i had.

After her departure, i ... filled a void in my soul by buying dolls, damn, first time deciding how to use my money...

Took me a while to realize i owned my time, that i could listed to music... the last year or so... music sprung in my heart making me sing again, can't sing or speak for long but, still i can...

Now, i've purchased a mic, not fancy, but it works, in hope to record my singing, to encourage myself to get back to the keyboard or the strings.

I've came to realize that my room, that was always my safe place, was as well my prison, my cage, it took me about a year to be able to stay in my room to read, or hear music, or write. I've been attempting to sing in here (where my pc is...) i feel anxious, and suffocated, can't find my voice, feel worthless, i forget... bloody hell, now i need to be able to feel safe in here again?

.........

Damn, i didn't expect to write such long text... but yeah, 29 years to come to awknodledge that what i knew as 'normal' was a lie, suffering of allergies in a chronic way, it an endless pain with around 30 different simphtoms i been able to identify that doctors have no idea about... because they only think allergies=instant death

[itsjaywalkers]

omg laurie hi i just saw my tag i love it sm😭😭 (im insane commute nonnie btw)

also, bc i like explaining this, the reason for my two hour commute to class is that im Very Stupid. so what happened is that i did a little two month long internship start of last semester. the office was literally in a whole other town but i didn't have many classes so i decided to just get an apartment in that town and travel for my two-three classes per week. and that was ok. but then the internship came to an end and i found out (get ready for this) i accidentally signed a seven month lease!! idk what even happened but it's not hard to believe that my landlord told me this and i just had my head in the clouds. but anyway i was like ok cool i'll just pay the fine n move out but my best friend said that i should just do the commute this whole semester and get a job at some office again next semester (we're only allowed one internship per sem) and i was like 'ok😝 i'll do that😝😝 with no prior knowledge of my schedule for next semester🤪 im so goofy aha' and then i spent the next two month doing that (which was fun tbh. i didn't have many classes and i used the commute to not have thoughts) but then BAM this sem starts and i don't have the time for interships bc of my schedule!! however. i already lived here for like 4 months now. its like 3 more months. do i really want to just Give Up and let all the time i wasted be for nothing AND give my landlord money??? i dont Think so. which is why. out of sheer stubbornness i take two hour routes to classes 5 days a week

anyways sorry for all the yapping i just think its so funny!! (i live in delusion) but also nothing happens!! ive been thinking about that all the time. im telling you its occupied so many of my thoughts i'd sign another 7 month lease thinking about nothing happens jeggy they're my love<3 i've been talking abt them sm last week a friend gave me her jacket to sit on (was wearing white) and i said "you know who'd do this" n she said "please don't start again"

again sorry for the length of this but also have a great week!!! praying for nothing happens jeggy and the ppl they're torturing (sirius) by being themselves!!! <3

hi darling!! i'm so happy to be hearing from u <3 and i'm glad u like ur silly lil tag hehe u earned it!!

this story is . so very insane to me but at the same time i can't even judge u bc i'd also choose to endure 2 hour long commutes out of sheer stubborness BUT ALSO bc i'd refuse to pay a fine. i made a mistake with the lease and i'm dealing with the consequences but i'm not . wasting any more money . still i'm so sorry u gotta deal with this for 3 more months, just thinking about how much time u must lose on public transport every week is making me wanna cry. ur so very brave babe i swear. at least it's only temporary, and once this semester is over you'll be able to move out and hopefully get a place a lot closer to ur classes so u can chill a little. honestly this feels like something that'd happen to me so u have all my support and appreciation UR DOING GREAT DARLING!!!

don't apologise!! it was very fun to read indeed and i love getting these updates on ur life + ur crazy commutes. and i've been thinking about them A Lot too, both them and oby jeggy have been occupying all of my mental space and i swear they're all driving me insane. AND LISTEN james would. for reg he so would. sorry to ur friend bc she sounds very done but i'm on ur side always and that's definitely very nothing happens james coded!!! IT HAD TO BE SAID!!!

STOP APOLOGISING BABE U AND UR ASKS ARE SUPER LOVELY thank u very much and i'm also wishing u a great week!! u deserve it!! and i'm also praying for all of them bc . they're gonna need it lmao

[funkytoes]

it’s just,,, Mind Boggling to me that there are people out there my age with like, their life more put together than me--and that’s not saying anything, cause like, my life is not put together at all but still i?? can’t fathom that there are people around my age who are like, at ALL put together and got their life in order in any LITTLE WAY--hat’s off to y’all share your secrets i’m jealous

[hezuart]

That anaversary aizen looks absolutely fabulous, he looks like a figure skater xd.

I heard along time ago the last arc of the anime was being animated finally bc they pulled a 90s sailor moon were the last season was not either animated or dubbed untill decades later.

I recall near the end of the current 366 episodes there was an episode were the creapy demon ppl woke up in hell and we're all bitter, and there was the other guy who was like, iM cOmEiNg FoR u IChIgO, but then is never mentioned again after and I'm like,why? Why is lt there just plopted randomly into a different arc that seams unrelated.

And locking aizen up underground seems ok, but It deff won't hold, and he will. Escape, and he will kill, you either need that one spell from star, dubbed, the darkest spell of moon the undaunted, a powerfull dark spell that killed immortal beings, that came from best character, eclipsa, the queen of darkness.

We need that.

Or stick him I'm crystal like eclipsa was in star. Is there no one who could trap him in ice or crystal for all eternity.

How about throw him into the centre of a volcano trapped and caged , forverr being killed by heat?

I assume there's space travel, send I'm into a black whole, were a black whole don't fuckin care if your immortal or fat, you will die

:3

Yes, I love anniversary Aizen. His original octopus-butterfly hollow design was ugly so I'm glad he's back to being the fashion icon he is.

Locking Aizen up underground once is one thing, doing it twice after saying he got more powerful by just sitting there, and he escaped to battle the Quincy Soul King God... is another. I think he should have escaped at the end of the Quincy arc. That is the only feasibility.

I heard the anime is coming back for the Quincy arc as well, but because of COVID its probably going to be delayed. (I'm not gonna watch it until the Rain section of the arc then I'm dipping out. I'm only here for Zangetsu)

and funny that you mention that hell scene in the manga :)

-> spoilers for the new BLEACH 73 page anniversary chapter / thoughts/critique on it

So hey you had a premonition! Syazel .... returned? And his hole is outside of his body??? for some reason???

(I didn't understand the explanation or why / how that happens and what that means for the hollow)

And my friend and I were laughing because out of ALL the things. Kubo could do in this anniversary. He gave Syazel his dick back after going to hell. That is iconic. (that's where his hole was located, and now that its not on his body ... well...) This is the funniest thing Kubo has EVER pulled. Kudos to you, sir.

The entire internet is freaking out over Ukitake being in hell. Honestly Kubo has done far worse, and we've established that Soul Society is a corrupt system that hasn't changed, so I'm not surprised he would pull something like this.

At the same time, Kubo 1. cheated his audience. 2. continues to prove me right that he cannot bring himself to kill his characters

1. Hollows who have commit murder in their human life are sent to hell. Syazel and Aaorniero are two of these hollows, and yet, when they are killed, there is NO gates of hell scene. We see them there later in the hell chapter (which was more of a promotion for the fourth movie and I didn't believe it would hold any merit)

But the same goes for Ukitake. We never see the gates of hell take him. What, was hell late? Did hell's gates get lost like an uber before picking him up? It's bull. Withholding such vital information from your audience, not showing the gates of hell when they should pick up this soul IMMEDIATELY is ... I mean its a lie. Kubo lied to his audience.

2. Now we are told powerful shinigami are sent to hell when they die. First of all that sounds like a security threat. Wouldn't shinigami want revenge for that? Or attempt to escape? Why would they still hold loyalty after being sent to a prison of eternal suffering?

Also "Yhwach and Aizen" were the only ones keeping Hell's gates closed is way too convenient and doesn't really make any sense. I feel like Aizen should have deliberately gone to hell to retrieve powerful shinigami / hollows for his army instead of keeping it /closed/.

This is definitely a Kubo-doesn't-know-what-he's-doing-and-is -making- stuff-up-as-he-goes, but it might have a pinch of merit because of previous plot lines.... but either way, there's some big plot holes here, but again, its Kubo, so I expected nothing less.

Again, he can't kill off his characters. He introduced zombification, he introduced immortality through the hougyoku, he has Orihime and Hachigen's reversal / rejection abilities. He brought back Luppi, friggen.... a character who's entire upper half of his body was incinerated. Like.... come on. No. He's dead, you can't bring him back like that. That's a cop out and just weird. You're taking away consequences and grief.

(Also Yamamoto and Unohana deserve to be in hell far over Ukitake, they've done some fcked up stuff in their pasts unlike him)

Also Kubo's favorite character is Mayuri, which.... you're allowed to have a favorite problematic character. But Keeping said character alive and bared from the consequences of abusing his daughter, murdering innocents, and experimenting on your own squad members? Nah. Nope. Kill him, Kubo. Kill this dude.

(his weird attachment to Mayuri is probably why he keeps bringing Syazel back, since Syazel is Mayuri 2.0, but Syazel is the bad guy who does face consequences for his actions while Mayuri is not)

~

Also, I'm certain Kazui and Orihime are going to be THRILLED that their precious husband/dad is going to hell when he dies :)

(I just... Rukia teased Ichigo about leaving Orihime at home. She teased him about having a house wife who he leaves all the chores to. Orihime had two panels. She checks on her son who promised he would be at home and sleep. Kazui fcking breaks his promise like it never mattered to him and JUMPS out the window after pretending to sleep in front of his mother. ... An 8 year old... alone... in the middle of the night.)

Orihime is abandoned. She is not invited to SS, she is not informed of what is going on, her son leaves her.... I...

Orihime is a side character. She doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't mattered for a long, long time.

A part of me is glad she had little screen time, since she tends to waste it, but another part of me is embroiled with rage.

I've even see people try to defend this. "Orihime and Ichigo can't be together ALL the time, that's an unhealthy relationship!" and I'm like guys... that's not the point. The point is Orihime is not part of Ichigo's other life. Any shinigami stuff from now on is none of her business. She's going to stay at home while Kazui and Ichigo go off and save the world. Ichigo is going to be fighting by Rukia and Renji while Orihime watches from the sidelines, or worse, doesn't even know what is going on with her husband and son. Orihime is going to be uninformed and abandoned, because she has not proven she is capable of fighting by their sides(go on, @ me. I will fight this. She's a failure.), and also because she prefers a human life over a dead one. Which is ironic, because she married a dead man. Ichigo is a shinigami, and he will be one forever. god forbid she ever meets his Zanpaktou. She would tremble in fear at the monsters her husband harbors in his soul, especially when she realizes they don't care about her and would rather see her dead. (Zangetsu would absolutely kill Orihime. Not sure about Kazui, but Orihime has not accepted Zangetsu, she does not like either of them, and the feeling is assuredly mutual.) frick now I want to make a comic about this

Also still frustrated over Zangetsu's shikai / bankai regression. Kubo once again lied to his audience. Ichigo has no bankai. How ridiculous is that? The main character of BLEACH doesn't have a bankai. Insulting.

(RIP to Chad. He doesn't exist anymore. He's just gone. No mention, no cameo. Gone.)

Kazui is a demon child. That character from the novels? Hikone? They're the same character. Literally same personality, same power level. Its worse because Kazui is a liar. He constantly goes behind his parents' backs. He can summon creepy fish and creepy eyeballs and open portals like is ANYONE aware of this? How has SS not kidnapped Ichigo's son and experimented on him / locked away his powers yet? All substitute shinigami require a reiatsu controlling / spy badge to keep them in line. Where is Kazui's? Or is he just a weird fullbringer?

I was worried Kubo was gonna try and pull a knock off Boruto but luckily he kept the focus on Ichigo and the others. But that being said, Ichika and Kazui are now just... sort of there? Kazui was kinda just.... having his own adventure that doesn't matter to the plot at hand, and Ichika had some nice characterization at first but she just hid behind her dad the whole time.

I have a feeling Kazui is gonna step in at the last minute or do some major behind the scenes thing that indirectly interferes with the main plot so no one will realize how powerful and dangerous he actually is. Its sad because Ichika is the superior character in personality and likability, but she clearly is not going to have a bigger part in this.

Ichigo having a normal life after everything still feels extremely boring and uncomfortable to me. Everyone's like 'I'm still bLEACH!" but.... BLEACH just... doesn't feel like BLEACH anymore. It hasn't for a while now.

~~~

There's two new shinigami characters. Didn't care for the girl, but the Sign Language kid who talks to animals is adorable ... however... he just reminds me of Chad, and I just... it hurts knowing Chad has essentially been deleted. Chad and Orihime are officially benched. They have chosen the human world, and Orihime has given Ichigo his spawn so she has no more use/purpose to him anymore... ////sigh

~~~

Also. This is claimed to be a new "arc". So is the BLEACH manga coming back? What is happening. I thought Kubo was tired and didn't want to do BLEACH anymore. I thought Shounen Jump cut him off. People made so many excuses for Kubo and why the past two arcs have been so badly written the past 6 years and now almost everything they've attempted to defend him with has been revoked.

BLEACH is going to continue to screw up its plot lines and characters, so Its probably best for it to stay dead but I've seen a lot of Kubo stans drooling over this content, they're desperate for BLEACH's return, but its already given out all its possible revelations. There's really nothing else to top here. It's just going to make things up as it goes along ,and I'm not really here for half-assed writing like that, especially since the damage of rushing the previous manga has already been done. Kubo and Shounen Jump are riding off a money nostalgia. None of this was planned.

Honestly though.... overall feeling of this chapter, not as bad as it could have been.

Syazel stole the spotlight, and he's my friend's favorite character, so that's all that really matters.