#not putting this under the vent tag and I'm not brave enough to put it into a separate post. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

emstargazer · 3 months ago

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Poked around another recent mutual's blog since they seem like an oasis of good stuff, just to get shocked by #@!&!, again.

Twice. It happened. Twice.

Visibly trembling right now. I'm not joking.

Oh fuck me... I think I'll need to unfollow a mutual even though I really don't want to, because I just saw a name I was NEVER expecting to see on my dash.

#if by any chance somehow you see this and realize you're the mutual - if I unfollow you‚ just know it's nothing personal.#or honestly I don't think I want to take the risk of my name ending up on her dash‚ so you're likely getting blocked. i'm sorry.#it hasn't even been a week since the last incident. even if I take into account that both mutuals are from fandoms she's likely active in #and that I became much more active in the last month this still puts me in utter disbelief and distraught. what are even the fucking odds!?#can't even find peace within the confines of my own tumblr experience #can't even find cool mutuals without something going horribly wrong for me #it feels like something straight out of fiction‚ but I don't like it one bit #this entire year just has to be one giant nightmare. I'm currently in a coma and soon I'll wake up and it'll be October/November 2023 and-#everything would go as it should. None of this is real. Nothing's real. I'm fuckin losing it #why can't I for once in my agonizing existence enjoy life to its fullest extent‚ why is there always something or someone that beats me dow #to the ground as if I don't carry enough weight as it is.#I can't even hide the fact that this is a cry for help #just... how‚ fuckin how. last thing I wanted to be reminded of after finally being in a better mood.#and now I'm weeping‚ despite me thinking I already shed every tear that I could. it's not enough the only living relative that treated me-#with a healthy form of care is dying of cancer‚ my main friend group is a walking corpse‚ my chances of using academic success as a tool fo #escape from this shithole went right down the drain‚ i'm stuck in a constant state of depersonalization and derealization‚ now I get-#reminded of losing my best friend with no real closure whatsoever.#aaand i'm getting paranoid‚ i should probably block that Control Artist mutual as well for good measure.#not putting this under the vent tag and I'm not brave enough to put it into a separate post.#em yaps

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