#nostalgic for times I wasn't here 🥺❤️✨

[sainz100]

Nashville 2023 | x

[elviraaxen]

Chrompoised - a retrospective, if you will

Hello I am back from instagram I'm gonna post more here now. I just wanna blabber abt my life and I'm on mobile so please excuse me not being able to add a "read more" 😃

Last time I was here for reals for reals I was like 21-22 really mentally ill and studying biology and then worked as a substitute teacher for a bit because I quit school due to my health being too bad.

Now I'm 25, went to art school and graduated, and have been diagnosed with adhd, I've been confirmed autistic, and I'm on meds, which is super cool 👍✨ really getting used to that Adult Mature Brain! Really wish I could've used it earlier lol.

I'm mostly writing this because I had a minor break down just now because I was looking through my old convos that I had with people in 2016-2017 on here, and I realized that I don't remember a single person, conversation or who I even was (seriously, my opinions man 😵)! That was scary and I've realized that it's one of the worst parts of my adhd, my memory is absolutely garbage, my emotional dysregulation is really bad some days, and I'm really sorry to anyone whose conversations or usernames I've forgotten because my brain just decided that "nope this is not useful" and discarded. And those people who I've randomly lashed out on because that day I was being particularly angry over something minor. I honestly feel really mean. If I could I would try to reach out again but it's literally been years and I have too much anxiety regarding rekindling my old memories because it makes me realize how much I've forgotten. Which is probably about 90% of everything that wasn't extremely memorable. Like, biology? What was that? I don't even remember my classmates names 😃

...

Another discovery I've made about myself is how I always seemed(maybe still do idk) to end up leaving friend groups and stuff like servers, because my brain would make up reasons to leave due to me having REALLY bad rejection sensitive dysphoria (adhd-related). It was rarely the other party's fault, and I've probably left up to 5 separate discord servers on different occasions because my dysphoria made it so bad that I had to pull out of everything so that "they wouldn't have the chance to kick me out first". The same thing would happen to closer friendships, where I would make up a reason to leave them, because my brain was convinced that they were secretly plotting to hurt me, and so we (as in my brain and I) had to run NOW before it was too late. Like yikes, I had no idea that was such a prevalent and destructive part of my life until maybe a few months ago! Really wish I knew that earlier so that I didn't burn so many bridges. I would probably still be friends with more than one or two people from the voltron fandom if I knew that about myself back then 😅 but oh well. It's been like 3 years, so it would be weird of me to just pop by like "hi. Sorry for being a pissy baby I'm neurodivergent 🥺 surprise!"

...

Idk i feel awfully nostalgic in the worst way today, probably because it's new years eve and I'm alone due to Covid (by choice, mind you), and I miss my friends. I haven't seen them since this summer when Covid wasn't as bad where I lived. And this app is making me think back on the person I was 4 years ago when I was questioning my will to live, and who I've developed into today and that all I can think about is how fun it is to make art and learn about art and how much more potential I have now that I'm medicated!!

Like happy fucking new year's y'all. what a ride. I have no idea what this post was. I love you, brush 2020 off your shoulders, and see you tomorrow for 2021 ok? Ok bye ❤️