#north has always been a shitty friend to nobody's surprise

[brian-in-finance]

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time for more

Caitríona Balfe talks to Shauna O'Halloran about time-travel, wedding plans and why women have had enough of Hollywood's shitty behaviour (her words, not ours).

A pair of stonewashed Levi's 501s, flat white converse and a little white T-shirt are all that Caitríona Balfe needs to rock up to a day's shooting in North London, and still have a full crew comment on how beautiful she is in real life. It's never something I like to lead with in interviews - we're here to discover the person, after all - but I do feel that to not mention it would be a shame, because she is quite stunning, even when off-duty. It's not that much of a surprise of course. The Monaghan native was once one of the most sought after runway models in the world, having been spotted by a Ford Models scout in Dublin. At 18, she was opening and closing shows in Paris for Chanel, Moschino, Givenchy and Louis Vuitton, to name a few. And this humble glossy is just one of many she's graced the cover of - with Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Elle magazines all having starred Caitriona over the years. So no wonder there was literally not one bad shot to be found in the photographer's edit.

Today however, Caitríona Balfe is known best to most of the world as Claire Beauchamp Randall - Outlander's time travelling 1950s nurse who falls for a dashing highland warrior by the name of Jamie Fraser, played by her costar Sam Heughan. The show, now on series four, is based on a series of novels by Diana Gabaldon and to say it has mega fandom is an understatement. Having taken up acting after her modelling career, Outlander was Caitriona's first major role and has propelled her into a stratosphere with over five million viewers per episode. How, I wonder, is that?

"It's been such a wild ride!" She tells me as we sit down to interview. She's back filming in Scotland for her fourth season and we already know that seasons five and six are a go, so Claire is going to be part of Caitriona's life for some time to come. "I was cast late into the proceedings. I got cast on the 11th of September and I was in Scotland [for fittings and filming] on the 15th of September 2013. I guess I knew about two days before they announced it!" She says of the whirlwind entry into Outlander. It didn't take long, however, for Caitríona to realise the scope her new role was going to have.

"After we filmed about four episodes Sam and I were taken to LA and we did a fan event. Nobody had seen anything and there was over two thousand people at this fan event...having not seen one minute of footage. We came out on stage and everyone was just screaming!"

The core fan base has stuck with them as the seasons have gone on and Outlander has won multiple awards. Caitríona, too, has been widely recognised for her role with 20 plus nominations and a host of Best Actress wins from institutions like the People's Choice Awards, the Golden Globes, the Saturn Awards, IFTA and BAFTA.

One of the notable points of the drama series is the sparky on-screen chemistry between her and Heughan during their many steamy scenes together. So much so that people have had a hard time believing that they're not a couple in real life. No matter how much the actors insist.

"It's nice that people kind of see something in that, but you know, we've always just been friends. And I said it from the beginning but people didn't want to hear it!"

Even so, it must be hard after four years of filming sexy scenes with someone to not get embroiled in a romance of some description.

"We went for a walk," Caitríona explains on how the deal was cut early on. "Both of us had to go to London right before we had to start filming, I was getting my second perm of the week and he was getting his hair dyed, probably for the 15th time that month and we met down in Kensington and went on a big long walk in the park. I was there with my poodle perm and he was there with some kind of terrible ginger-red version of his hair and we were like, You know what, who knows what this is going to be but we're going to be in this together and we gotta have each other's backs.' And from that time on we always have." A sweet moment that has led to a lasting friendship and has probably been key to Outlander's success.

"The shows that have been successful - I think you always see that they stick together. The minute you let ego or your pride or all of that kind of stuff get in the way, I think that it can really sour things," she says with honesty. It has to be said, there is no ego about Caitríona Balfe and as the lead role in the show, it's easy to imagine that she sets the tone for all involved.

The atmosphere on set, she says is supportive and tight, although she's painfully aware that not all hit shows and Hollywood sets are so lucky.

"Our work is really tough and we're in tough conditions, like when you're out in the pissing rain or sideways snow, which happens! To have people be supportive of each other and care about each other, that makes such a huge difference.

"I know somebody who worked on a show as the lead male and he and the lead female never spoke, literally didn't speak to each other unless they were in a scene. I can't imagine ever wanting to be in a situation like that, I can't imagine waking up in the morning and feeling like I have to go to work with someone who won't even speak to me. That's horrible."

But the stories are rife; even before #MeToo broke, celebrities and bad behaviour on set seemed to go hand in hand. And it makes for great, salacious tabloid fodder. And women, notoriously, seem to get the raw end of the deal, in everything from respect standards to salaries.

"I think everybody's waking up to the fact that they can't get away with that stuff," Caitríona chips in. "I obviously came to this point of my life a bit later so I've always felt very comfortable about standing up for myself or speaking up for myself but there can be a bit of a double standard. But I don't think, I mean I will stress this, it's not always men enforcing that. We've had male directors or male producers who are so much more sensitive and supportive than sometimes the females can be. I don't necessarily think that it's a split line down the middle about sex; it's not all women supporting women because that's not my experience. I think it's really about people." And does it hurt more, when it's a woman being the unsupportive one?

"Yeah, I think you expect better. And I think sometimes they think because they're women they don't think they're being discriminatory, but if what you're asking is completely out of line..."

In the hierarchical worlds of modelling and acting, people entering the careers at the bottom rungs are more vulnerable to mistreatment.

Caitríona notes that she did experience it in particular as a young model and her first career left her with some healing to do.

"I remember one of my first ever photoshoots in Dublin. I was so young and I remember coming back from it and my sister was like 'Where have you been all day?' I was just being sent off with a strange photographer who was older and with no kind of knowledge about where I was going, what was expected, just sort of thrown out to the wolves at 18."

It was that age that she first began travelling too, to Paris and Milan, and with little to no support structure. "It's just incredible when I look back now at how I navigated all of that because you literally are just sent off on your own, traipsing around strange cities where you don't know the language. You are just expected to fend for yourself.

"It was the wild west and you were lucky if you had a job. There was a discrepancy of power - the agency was really supposed to be there protecting you, but it was almost like you needed to please them to get the jobs.

"I think that's why so many girls who have gone through that experience are as tough as nails," she adds, also referring to herself, although that toughness hasn't come without cost.

"When I left the business, I moved to LA and I am so grateful that I was able to take a year...a lot of that was just dismantling a lot of the mental issues I had taken from the business because your confidence and your self-esteem is in the toilet after you've been in that business for so long. Most models I know have terrible self-esteem which is the most crazy thing."

Thankfully, in both modelling and acting, the industries are changing.

As someone who is in the Hollywood stratosphere and has been in the company of the likes of Weinstein and more, Caitríona has first-hand experience of being with the people at the very centre of the #MeToo storm.

"A lot of my year in LA was just dismantling a lot of the mental issues I had taken from the business"

"A lot of the names that have come forward, it's strange because you kind of go 'Oh yeah, that's not surprising.' With someone like Morgan Freeman; I grew up watching him and he's been that voice that calms everyone. But I had previously heard rumours. Nobody is above the law and what I do hope is that all of these things go through a process because I think the worst thing is that we get into this situation where there is like a mob mentality and we start being judge, jury and executioner on social media because that's never the right way of doing things.

"But I think there has been a real shift and I think people aren't going to put up with shitty behaviour anymore. And they shouldn't."

The one thing that high profile and influence does afford people is the ability to shine a light on situations that deserve more attention. It's something that Caitríona’s very aware of and since her Outlander fans have always asked 'who can we support on your behalf', she went out of her way to discover a charity that she could be an ambassador for. As a result, she is now a patron of Wold Child Cancer and travelled to Ghana last year to see two of the hospitals the charity works at. "It's very humbling when you see the different kinds of care you can expect if anything ever goes wrong in your life just because of where you are born," she says of the experience but is equally quick to downplay her role as a patron versus that of the people working on the ground, despite using her own time and profile to raise awareness and funds for the charity. "I feel so grateful that I can, the people in the trenches are the people who do work day-to-day and it's super impressive because they don't get a lot of credit for it."

Check Caitríona’s Twitter and you'll see how impassioned she is about this, as well as being a big supporter of other issues: she was vocal on repeal, supports ethical fashion choices and promotes a meat and dairy-free lifestyle.

"I believe that no matter what you do you should be a responsible citizen of the world," she says, "I think a lot of my social media is promoting issues I believe in and causes that I believe in.

“As for my more private life, frankly I'm not interesting so I don't like doing selfies, my partner is super private so he isn't on any social media and doesn't want to be so nothing is said about him. So yeah, that's naturally how I am!"

It's clear as the conversation goes on how grounded Caitríona is. She's fiercely proud of her Irishness and uses it as a conversation starter worldwide (*We command goodwill - people genuinely like us!") and while she laments how badly her name gets 'butchered' she misses the fada which she dropped for ease some years ago. "I'm devastated about it!" she says, before also confessing that technology had some part to play in its demise.

"In the early days of computers I didn't know how to put it on! I just learnt a couple of months ago, like ohhh it's that button there. So I might bring the fada back."

And she hasn't ruled out an upcoming wedding in Ireland - the actress is recently engaged to intensely private music producer Tony McGill, but plans for the nuptials are still undecided. Would she consider coming back to Ireland to tie the knot?

"If you put a sun lamp over it, yeah I'd love to!" She laughs. Wedding planning is not really her thing however, and doesn't garner giddy chats and wishlists.

"I would just love to have all of my friends and family and have a great party," she clarifies when coming across as less than enthusiastic about planning her perfect day. "I think the production side of it is just too much like work!"

And finding time that suits both their schedules is also proving challenging, with Caitríona lined up to film in LA with Matt Damon and Christian Bale. It's a biopic of mechanic and driver Ken Miles (Bale) and the conflict between Ford and Ferrari during the 1960s. "I play Christian Bale's wife and James Mangold [Walk the Line, Logan, The Wolverine) is directing. It's set in the sixties, it's all about Le Mans, the 24-hour race so it's a lot of fast cars, hot men and me!" She laughs. "I've been watching loads of documentaries on Le Mans which is really cool."

And this is Caitríona: totally unfazed, seemingly, by the prospect of working with some of Hollywood's most famous actors and directors and yet, nerdily researching so she can be prepared on the day. Oh, and consciously enjoying it too. With more projects in the pipeline, that demand is only going to get higher, but of one thing I can be sure: to her own self, Caitríona Balfe will always be true.

Remember… we command goodwill - people genuinely like us! ☘️ — Caitríona Balfe

[the-three-whumpeteers]

AngelBreaker part 4

FINALLY AFTER SO LONG,,,PART 4

ahem, this is basically two short parts mashed together, mainly because that's the only way it would make sense. Finally introducing someone that isn't under North, slowly trying to show the rest of the underworld. Not particularly happy with this one, primarily because of how long it took to write, this went through give or take 10 versions before I settled on this.

Ah right, I believe someone wanted a tag so before I forget//

@kixngigglesgles

Content-wise//

The first one doesn't have much whump-wise, but I will say that North is a terrible friend, manipulative although it's now fully shown here. The second part is where someone's sedated, specifically via needle. North manhandles someone and is, once again, really shitty to Cypress.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The weather had been particularly lovely that week, The sky was perfectly clear and the temperature had been pretty pleasant. Thankfully work hadn’t been as rough as it usually was- at least to cypress. Said angel had just sat down on a park bench where he and North had agreed to meet. Cypress allowed himself to finally relax, putting his bag down and enjoying the afternoon breeze.

Cypress had told North about how heavy work had been lately, and with the weather finally being reasonable it only made sense for them both to take a day off and relax, sure this was only a day off for cypress, who, unlike North, hated the job he had been assigned to- North was much better at…disposing of demons than him and they both knew that.

His thoughts were disrupted by the sound of a tired, and totally apologetic North.

“Cy please I am so sorry! I promise I didn’t mean to be late, I just started preening and you know time, kind of flies for me when that happens and-”

“I just got here too you’re okay”

North stopped, raising an eyebrow and staring at his friend for a moment.

“What do you mean? Wait, you’re the one who told me to be here thirty minutes ago, what do you mean you just got here?” North asked, probably knowing why Cypress had done that already.

Cypress stood up and stretched “Because you take forever on your appearance alone, I think you take longer on your wings than I do on my entire outfit, I took my time” he shrugged.

North gasped, purposefully exaggerating how offended he was “Well excuse me if I like looking good, I don’t like when my feathers are dusty” he huffed “ And you could do so much better! Your wings are pretty I don’t understand why you don't-” he would’ve said something else if Cypress hadn’t suddenly shoved something at him. North looked at his hands and realized that Cypress had given him a small cupcake- pumpkin, his favorite. He was delighted when he realized what it was, almost taking an excited bite before pausing.

“...did you get me this just to get me to shut up?” he asked, glancing at his friend.

“Is it working?”

North finally took a bite, staring at Cypress the whole time before nodding.

“Alright now that I’ve calmed you down with baked goods, let’s go before the food gets cold. I put some effort into this little picnic of ours,” Cypress said before snatching his bag and grabbing North by the arm. “Now come on, I’ve been eyeing that park for a while now and today is perfect, we can just sit down, eat, and finally relax.”

North walked alongside his friend, eating the cupcake concerningly fast before speaking up “Well with how stressed you’ve been I guess I can take some time off for this”

Cypress nudged him “Hey, you’re tired too, out of the both of us you work harder, give yourself a break! you’re…Enthusiastic, you’ll tire yourself out you know?” He said, a bit hesitant to talk about North’s attitude during their work- hopefully North didn’t notice that, he didn’t want an argument about this again…Cypress should really tell North to stop being so cruel during work, sure they were demons and he wasn’t supposed to feel bad, but Cypress never expected to see so many beg for their lives.

North didn’t catch on to what Cypress was thinking thankfully, instead, he seemed to be proud of himself when Cypress mentioned his enthusiasm “Hey if I’m gonna make it big I might as well do it with style right?”

“...Sure, I’m sure everyone’s gonna talk about you one day,” Cypress said, finally smiling- North had always been the type to pull off things like that.

They settled into a comfortable silence as they walked, Cypress leading the way since despite living there his whole life, North didn’t know how to navigate the town without getting lost. They were seemingly the only people taking advantage of the nice weather since the streets were relatively quiet, which didn’t surprise Cypress since the Seraphim always encouraged them to work as hard as possible- but Cypress wanted a break damn it.

Cypress stopped in front of the park gates, looking quite proud of himself still for finding such a nice little place. North, on the other hand, didn’t seem to notice and bumped into him.

North was about to apologize and walk in before an excited Cypress grabbed his arm and practically sprinted in.

“Come on! I need to find a perfect spot” He said, scouting out the place while dragging his friend along. He’d reject places that were reasonably nice, from empty clearings to a bench by a stream. It took a while for him to find a spot- a quaint area under a tree that overlooked the park, and at that point North’s arm hurt.

Cypress put his bag down, unpacking everything he’d gotten, which was… excessive. He’d definitely packed more food than they needed, it was a full three course meal at that too.

“...Are you sure we can finish all of that? I know you like cooking but uh-”

“-Listen, we deserve a treat after working so hard”

Cypress was the type to cook whenever he was stressed.

North shrugged, sitting down on the picnic blanket Cypress had laid out, said friend, on the other hand, kept adding more pillows, lamps, bread, and fake leaves. 

Cypress had a stressful past couple of days.

Finally, Cypress presented his masterpiece of a  picnic, which was actually really impressive, and finally sat down himself. Cypress then went to open the basket of food, which was probably just as extravagant as the decorations before North stopped him.

“Cy, buddy, that’s… a bit too much isn’t it,” North said, “I promise we can eat it all later, it'll be fine”

“Right, right sorry I think I made too much…well, everything,” He said sheepishly, “Maybe I'll give it to random people, you know, random acts of kindness or something? I think the Seraphim encourage that right?”

North just shrugged “They’re very incon-” He stopped himself, rethinking his words “They encourage a lot of different things…but! Hey, what if you gave it to some random mortal? Just imagine popping into a random mortal’s house and giving them a pie! They’d probably be terrified”

Cypress grew visibly uncomfortable, he hated when North even mentioned mortals or their realm, he’d usually end up going on a tangent that eventually led to talking about work.

“-They get scared too easily, you’ll tell them not to be scared but they’d still panic over you showing up at all!”

Cypress sighed, trying his best to hide his frustration at the mention of the mortal world. “Listen, North, I wanted a break both from work and from that entire realm okay?” realizing that he’d been a little too mean- at least he felt he’d been too mean, Cypress tried to backtrack a bit “Not that I wouldn’t do that-”

He wouldn’t.

“-But this is my break, remember?”

North’s smile wavered, looking away from his friend. As much as North tried to hide it, Cypress knew how annoyed he was at how little Cypress liked their work. 

“Listen, I promise you’ll like it! Mortals are fun to mess with!” North said, once again trying to convince Cypress. “Is this about work again? It’s been so long man, I thought you’d at least tolerate it by now-”

“Okay okay- let’s not bring this up now, it’s a nice day, we can drop it for now and-”

“Nothing is going to change if you don’t address it Cy, it’s not bad and you can enjoy-”

“-enjoy what? Tearing demons appart like you?” Cypress finally snapped, shutting up North. The silence after that was awkward, neither of them looking at each other. Cypress at least was good at hiding how angry and tired he was. North on the other hand, never bothered to hide his emotions, and was clearly annoyed with everything going on.

In the end, Cypress always hated conflict, and even if he didn’t want to he knew he needed to apologize to keep the peace, they’d both go back to being friends as if none of these conversations had happened in the end. 

…He really should’ve distanced himself while he still had the chance.

Not like he could do much about it now, and no matter how much he thinks about what he could’ve done or changed, that doesn’t matter anymore, so he might as well just accept his situation. Despite constantly telling himself this, Cypress' mind often went back to those days. North was a jerk, but he wasn’t what he is now.

Cypress blinked, realizing how zoned out he’d been, at least he’d gotten some work done. Another fallen had washed dishes earlier, and the task of putting them away fell onto him. A porcelain plate was placed neatly in one of the many cabinets. If he broke it North would only scream at him unlike what would happen to the other fallen if they were to break something, so he was a bit more careless. There was a part of him that hoped to go back to the comfort of the life they used to have, although he knew that was impossible. Cypress still wanted to believe North was a good person. He’d been working hard to at least make North hurt him less, and there’d been progress, at least before recent events. 

Basil had broken the peace Cypress had been building up for years now- not that he blamed him of course. Cypress had always been protective of the fallen, but Basil was the youngest one he’s seen yet. Despite how much Cypress pushed back against North, he had barely prevented any injuries, or worse, but he just knew that if North listened to him he’d understand.

With a sigh, Cypress finally put the last of the dishes away, closing the cabinet and looking around the kitchen he was in, the room was spotless of course, North wouldn’t accept anything other than perfection. Opening the door to leave, it didn’t take long to see another fallen outside dusting some of North’s more expensive decorations. The other fallen looked towards Cypress, about to greet him before they were both distracted by the sound of North coming back home.

Usually North was quiet, only ever looking around to see if his house had been taken care of. For some reason this return was quite the opposite from that.

There was a series of crashes coming from the entrance, and Cypress saw a couple of fallen quickly going the opposite direction since North loved hurting them to relieve stress. Cypress would’ve tried to get away too if he didn’t hear North shouting his name. The sound of North yelling alone terrified Cypress, as much as he hated to admit it, but regardless of his fear he was forced to finally see what was going on.

The hallways were empty as he quickly made his way to the main entrance, the commotion only getting louder as Cypress got closer. The sound of a stranger’s voice became clearer, maybe an unruly demon had snuck in? It didn’t happen often but there was a chance that some young inexperienced demon decided North was a weak target.

Cypress rounded the corner to see what was going on, and the person North was trying to hold down was clearly not a demon. A pair of wings more than confirmed that this stranger was a fallen. The stranger was shoved down roughly, North finally winning the struggle. Cypress couldn’t help but notice that this fallen hadn’t just been banished, which is what North preferred since it made everything ‘easier’. This fallen had definitely been in the underworld for a while now, but why did North bring someone that would struggle so much? Then he saw why. The wings on the fallen had a gold shimmer to it, and if it wasn’t for mud and dust, they would probably be quite pretty… Fuck, North liked this stranger’s wings.

North took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure despite the fallen violently trying to get North off. Cypress froze when North finally looked at him, thankfully he seemed calm, at least considering what was going on. 

“Cy, can you please bring me the sedative? It’s the red syringe in the shelf to your left” He asked, sounding more annoyed than anything. 

Right, red syringe, he could do that.

The fallen immediately reacted when Cypress grabbed the syringe, doubling his efforts to get away and growing agitated “Why are you listening to him?”

Cypress stopped, he wanted to answer but every answer his brain tried to come up with didn’t make sense- because he had to? Because North would hurt him if he didn’t?because they were friends?

“Cy, the syringe” North said, clearly annoyed at the delay. This snapped Cypress back, he just wanted the situation to end so he hurried over to North and handed him the small syringe. The fallen’s eyes locked on Cypress as he moved.

North, thoroughly unbothered by the tension between the two, let out an exaggerated sigh of relief as he sedated the fallen, the struggling grew worse only for a moment before it finally died down. North sighed, glaring at his ‘friend’, “Why did you hesitate?”

Cypress froze, and like a deer in headlights he could only stare at North. Even when North stood up and got closer Cypress could only stumble back.

“I’ve given you enough, I don’t want you latching on to another fallen, got it?” North hissed, making sure that the threat was clear. “Now go, I’m busy and I’ve wasted enough time here, he won’t be here for long anyway”

Cypress didn’t seem to process the last few words and scurried off before North could think of a reason to hurt him later, but he couldn't help the growing feeling of shame as he left.

[nomoregoldfish]

Imagine catching Amado building secret airport in the jungle; Enemies to friends /w benefits (2/2)

This one goes out of my hands. I don’t even know what kind of monster it is now, smh. The formatting seems screwed up. Please read it on AO3 if you want. Again, if tubmlr flag the gif below, I’LL RIOT.

"Is this a date? What's the dress code? Cargo pants don't count." Amado sounds flirty when you call him the other day. It's not really his fault because you are the one who asks him out.

Since the formidable drug trafficker hasn't sent any sicario to make you disappear, you figure you still have chances to make him reconsider the plan of building an airport. You're willing to do whatever it takes to save the jungle and the ruins.

Plus seeing Amado again is not a bad idea.

You can't justify why you ignore your go-to outfit including cargo pants. Instead, you put on your tightest jeans.

You pick up Amado at four in the morning. The tall man looks sleepy and slightly confused, which is kinda cute. You offer him black coffee in your vacuum bottle. 

After the first sip, Amado turns to you with his misty down-turned eyes, "No cargo pants today?" You try not to smile, "Shut up."

You're taking him to the Palenque ruins, another Mayan site in Chiapas, just few hours drive away.

You manage to get there before the sunrise. The site hasn't opened yet but you know a secret route because you also worked on the excavation project there. 

"You have a thing for sneaking in, uh, Ms. Geologist?" You shouldn't encourage him but whatever, the banter is... fun. 

Walking with Amado in the dense mountain forest actually is a perfect date in your dictionary. Your shoes are wet with morning dew but nobody cares. Listen to birds chirping and fogs croaking in the dim light. 

"You're really not afraid of darkness, are you?" Amado sounds genuinely curious. "Why would I be? I worked on this site for years, I've known the whole place by heart." He nods, like some acknowledgement.

It's almost dawn, you look at the tinted horizon when you reach the top of the mountain. The entire ancient city of Palenque is quiet and peaceful wrapped in the jungle, reminds you why you chose what you do with your life.

"I want to show you something." It's the Temple of the Inscriptions, one of the most iconic Mayan architecture lightened up by the morning sun. Starting from the history, you explain to Amado not only the symbolic significance of the temple and the secret tomb inside, but also the epic war Emperor Pakal waged against Yaxchilán. 

Amado doesn't stop you. You keep talking, sharing your involvement in those excavation projects with him, how excited you are when a new site is discovered, how proud you felt for your team when Palenque was recognized as World Heritage Site not long ago, which meant more funds, more human resources, and better equipment for all scientists working on it for years. You want to continue to study the whole area, even several rival/ally sites in Guatemala and Belize, to find more satellite cities, battlefields, to be able to define the border of those ancient powerhouses and finally draw a map of the mysterious kingdom.

He looks at you like you're some kind of heroine. It's heartwarming but you're not sure, "So, what do you think?"

Amado's playing coy, but you're persistent. "Come on. I'm a geologist. I can't hire assassins. What else am I supposed to do to make you change your mind? Put on my most expensive dress, show off my ass, wine and dine you?"

"Though I'd love to see you in a nice dress, jeans are great, too." The northern banditote smirks, eyeing your lower body, "Plus the whole speech, I told you I love it when you talk about your job. You seem to know exactly what you're doing."

Amado doesn't promise anything. He says he'll figure something out.

You exhale deeply. At least the guy listened, you appreciate it. 

Then you find out there's nothing left in your vacuum bottle, the fucker drank all your coffee, "How am I supposed to drive back without any coffee in my system?"

Amado pulls you in for a kiss, warm and tastes much better than your shitty coffee. The fresh stubble overnight of his stings and it feels so good, you can't help cupping his face and kissing back. 

Then he announces he'd drive if you just say "El Señor de los Cielos, please." You tell him to fuck off but toss the car key to him anyway.

You haven't contacted each other after that for a while. You tell yourself it's nothing. It's not like you two have had something. 

You send people every week to monitor the construction of the airport from a hidden spot on the mountain. Meanwhile you complete the scan of the area surrounding the soon-to-be airport and find a possible target. You have to be on the ground again to confirm it. 

Unluckily you break your ankle one day in the jungle. And you don't want to put any colleague's life at risk to get near the cartel's territory. You decide to wait on Amado, you believe he's a man of his words. 

Amado surprises you one night at your camp. He jokes that a geologist can sneak into a drug cartel's property, it'd be humiliating if he doesn't return the favor. His face and neck are perfectly tanned, you want to immerse yourself in that hot chocolate. You almost jump out of excitement because you haven't seen Amado for a month. Then you remember you're confined to your desk and seat due to the injury. 

"You're expecting someone else? Ms. Geologist." Amado sounds a bit down. "I..." You want to ask him so many things. Has he figured it out? Who is in charge of the airport when he's away? And where has he been? Why does it take him so long to come back? Maybe minus the last question. It'd sound desperate. 

He says he flies from Juaréz, "One of the longest domestic flights," he claims as looking around your tent office, sketches and maps scattered all the place. When his eyes meet yours again, it's so gentle, full of fondness.

"You only want to talk about business?" He's getting close, "I just fly almost 2,000 miles and you're not even standing up. Look who's more cold-blooded than drug traffickers."

Before you realize what happens, Amado lowers his body and carries you off the chair. He doesn't touch your ankle but it still hurts when you're suddenly moved.

Amado finds out. The man in black examines your injury carefully. You never saw him so concerned before. He quickly comes to the conclusion that your injury is worse than it looks and needs better treatment. 

No, you're not gonna leave your job. You have papers to write, new budget to apply, more areas to explore. Slowly it'd recover.

"Don't you want to wade across rivers, trek through jungles, and climb mountains again? If you love your job so much, you have to get better treatment, immediately! And take some good rest. Give it a few more weeks? Oh God, you're insane." He's so mad at you.

You finally agree, and Amado insists on carrying you again to his vehicle. You know it's not your priority right now but holy fuck, he's fucking built. And you're inches away from his big nose which you've had a crush on for a while.

He's gonna fly you to the state capital Tuxtla Gutiérrez.

"You don't fly 2,000 miles just to see me, do you?" You poke him during the flight, sitting next to the sexy pilot in the cockpit is a treat. 

"Dear Ms. Geologist, remember I have a job, too?"

The pain is getting worse, Amado notices it then hands you a joint from nowhere. You're about ask whether it's legal to have weed on the plane, then you realize you're with a real drug dealer. "Not to bad to have a narcos friend, huh?" OK, you gives him that as the weed kicks in. 

"So now we're friends?" You're obviously high, and bold. Because you find your hand dangerously near his groin for no reason, fumbling. "I always wanted to touch it." You giggle. 

Amado politely removes your hand and tells you to behave.

"You know what? You could've been the most popular guy at our camp. Someone might trade blowjobs for your weed since we're just low-paid scientists and assistants." You're high like a kite.

You also "threaten" if Amado extends any further in the jungle to build more airport facilities when you're put away, you swear to God you'll...

"You'll what? Shut up and rest, cabrón. Or I'll take you directly to DF, better physicians there anyway."

And the fucker did, a day after a Chiapas physician suggests you seek the best orthopedic treatment in DF for speedy recovery.

Then Amado disappears again. You know he's probably running a drug cartel in the north, and only checking in on their hidden project near the southern border once a month or two. It's the way it is. Your lives only collide when it's meant to be. There's no fucking way you two see each other like normal people do. 

You still miss Amado, miss the banter, even his northern accent. 

During the two-month therapy in DF, you receive reports that the airport is completed, and the potential target site nearby is now a giant warehouse. You also learn a big donation is made specifically to the Yaxchilán excavation project, of course, anonymously.

That's what Amado meant by "figuring something out." You're not even mad. What's the alternate outcome when you're up against the narcos? Report it? The entire cabinet is probably in their pocket. You should be relieved that no one ends up dead during the little stupid game you played.

You can't even return the drug money because, a) you can't tell anyone where it's from; b) INAH's been underfunded for decades, the project fucking needs it, so do your colleagues.

You call that number again after you get back to the ground. You don't know how to end this, or is there anything to end? 

"Come over next weekend, I'll be there and I can explain." Amado sounds poised and calm, like he always does.

You tell yourself to keep it civil. This is a losing battle since day one.

Amado meets you in front of a warehouse, he looks great, all charming smile and open arms. All you can think of is the location of the warehouse, it must be the one. Most likely it's being buried.

"You bring flowers, how nice." It's the white birds of paradise, which suits him, El Señor de los Cielos. You tell him you're grateful for the injury advice he insisted.

"Can I show you something?" Amado opens the door of the warehouse. It all feels like yesterday, when you showed him the sunrise at Palenque, talking about your future plan. How naive were you.

Some jaw-dropping scene in front of you. The entire site of ruins, intact, locked inside the warehouse with minimal structure to shield from the rain and sunshine.

"What? You thought I'm gonna show you cocaine? No offense, baby, you can't afford the Colombian white magic. This is all you get, some fucking broken rocks with barely recognizable inscriptions." The bastard shrugs.

How did he find this site? "Sorry. Let's say I accidentally took a copy of your scan map last time at your camp, when you were busy with your ankle problem." You fucking knew it, it's never what it looked like when it comes to Amado Carrillo Fuentes.

Yet you can't believe what you just see. It is NOT real. It can't be.

That's when harsh reality kicks in. It always starts with a but. "You can't work on it, not now." Amado explains the situation and his plan for your ruins, which he thinks it's better to keep them under the radar for now. No tomb raider would dare to approach it, you can work on many other sites first.

"Then what?" You keep digging. Amado sighs, giving you a melancholy smile, "This line of work doesn't tend to last very long. It will be yours one day. Before that, it's completely safe. You have my word." 

Amado's kind of.... correct, and practical to be honest. INAH doesn't have enough resources for thousands of projects. Even with the hard work you and your colleagues pulled, it's estimated less than 10% of the total area of Palenque was explored and partially restored.

You carefully examine the site, making notes and sketches to create a hasty profile.

Amado focuses on something else, "It seems you walk just fine. Fully recovered, no rush? Good. And has your budget been approved? Got more money? I mean, the efficiency of any bureaucratic system is questionable in this country. If it still falls short, I can...." 

You can't tell if he's been an asshole or a saint, God forbid.

"For fuck's sake, I don't want your fucking money. I just, I want...." You turn around, look defeated, "Your dick, OK? Who cares about your dirty drug money? You Sinaloan monkey!"

Amado bursts into laughter, "Why don't you take both, dear Ms. Geologist?" He put your hand below his belt buckle, "I think you made it very clear last time."

"It's your fucking nose, narizón." You gently caress it, and he's getting hard beneath the fabric and it's fucking huge.

You're on your knees, trying to take Amado's full length in. Fuck, it's difficult. You're embarrassed and he's like "Shhh, it's okay, baby."

Instead, Amado's going down on you, making your knees weak af. You have to grab the stones to stand still. 

Amado eating your out with patience, salt and pepper stubble rubbing against the most sensitive part of your body which gives you more trouble, and fingering you at the same fucking time. Let that sink in for a moment.

You don't stand a chance, you come so hard.

Amado's taking you from behind, big hands on your hips to keep you still against the ancient structure. Rock into you with deep, short thrusts. You're wet for him like rivers during monsoon season. 

Your legs are shaking when he hits right at the spot again. "Wanna to make a good girl like you squirm and scream." Fuck, Amado always gets what he desires as he pulls you hair up, leaving hickeys on your neck while he fucks you thoroughly.

The best orgasm through your whole life. And the fucker is proud of it, "Told you. You'd better take both, baby. The green and the big D."

Does it mean you really gonna take money from narcos? This is so fucked up. 

Later Amado fixes you some nice margarita, casually asking if you want to join him for a business trip to Belize the next day. "I have to buy some stuff in Belmopan. Maybe we can stop by Lamanai with my private jet after that if you'd like."

How the fuck does he know you wanted to visit the Mayan ruins in a remote foreign town for years? 

The concern becomes less shocking when you see Amado buy a bunch of Boeing 727s in Belmopan like a Sunday grocery run.

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter eighteen (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr: plastiquetiaras) | word count: 4710

AN: The penultimate chapter - it’s hard to believe that this fic will be over by next week. This fic has really pushed me with plot development and storytelling, and I’m so grateful for it. Enjoy this doozy of a chapter. Thank you all for the sweet sweet feedback and reviews, they truly motivate me so much and make me so happy. Writ is the best beta one could ask for <3

(then)

It’s just a Skype interview.

Vanessa can do it.

A Skype interview. She doesn’t have to fly to California or anything for it, either. She just has to wear a nice button down shirt and a blazer, do her makeup and sit in front of the webcam on her computer to try and impress an admissions committee approximately four thousand kilometers and three timezones away.

She’s more confident this time around. The humming in her veins is less so that of nerves about embarrassing herself, and more so her brain running through possible questions that she’s already practiced, her potential answers already rolling off her tongue.

Vanessa’s done this once already. She’s been through this process.

This time, she’s going to do it right.

She doesn’t have to worry about being interrupted, either. The kitties are asleep on the bed and Riley’s resting by her feet, and Brooke, well…

Vanessa doesn’t know where Brooke is. Probably class? Maybe the library?

There’s a tiny voice in Vanessa’s brain that reminds her of how her and Brooke always used to be hung up on each other, even when they were busy. Constantly texting, sending each other funny pictures from things they encountered on campus. The way that Vanessa would always snap a photo of the weird foods the guy in front of her in organic chemistry would always bring to lecture, just to brighten Brooke’s day while she was stuck in her human biology lab.

Hell, the last person she’s texted is her mom. Before that, Silky. Before that, A’keria.

She hasn’t texted Brooke since three days ago when Brooke told her to clean out the fridge when she had time.

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke for this interview. She doesn’t need any help in preparing, she’s done it herself.

And she’s going to keep doing it, too. Because she’s strong enough, smart enough, if the last year has taught her anything.

If it doesn’t work?

Well, there’s always nursing school.

“Thank you, Vanessa. It’s been wonderful talking with you and hearing your perspective, especially from the lens of being part of our neighbours to the north, with a differing healthcare system. You absolutely possess qualities that we value in prospective students.” The woman from the panel on Vanessa’s screen sounds happy, actually happy, and Vanessa has to press her palms onto her knees to keep herself from pumping her first.

She’s done well. First interview of many, and she’s done well.

It feels like retribution. Like she’s reclaiming what’s been taken from her, but doing it with her own spin. Making her mark. Staking her claim on what she’s been working so hard towards.

Vanessa’s going to get it. One way or another, she’s going to start med school in the fall.

She looks underneath the couch cushions, trying to find her cellphone. She’s gotta call her mom, tell her that she did well, that things are finally, finally coming together. If she’s done well with this Skype interview, who’s to say that she won’t with the interviews in person at all the Ontario universities? Vanessa feels like the Skype interview has given her a boost of confidence, pulling her off of the ground and towards the ceiling that’s been holding her back. And now, she’s going to break through it.

Vanessa grumbles when Riley gets up from his spot on the floor, because of course her phone had fallen on the ground earlier and he’d been sitting on it the entire time. Typical.

Her phone is already up to her ear and ringing when the front door bursts open, and there Brooke is, waltzing in and dropping her bag in the entrance and opening the fridge while…some strangers wait in the doorway?

Vanessa hangs up as Brooke turns to her, biting into an apple. “Oh, hey. Came to drop stuff out before heading out again.”

Vanessa wrinkles her brow. “Where are you-”

“The second year med students are planning some prank on the third years, apparently. Supposed to happen soon. We’re gonna go watch.” Brooke throws out the apple core as she finishes it, turning back towards the people at the door still shouldering their own backpacks.

“You ain’t even gonna introduce everyone?” So what if it comes out saltier than Vanessa intends it to be? It’s been a semester and a half that Brooke’s been in med school and Vanessa feels like that part of her life is completely separate, untouchable to her.

“Oh.” Brooke pauses. “Well. Steve, Jon, Aurora, Courtney. In that order. Everyone, this is Vanessa.”

The guy farthest on the right (Jon? Steve? Vanessa’s missed it), his arm around the guy beside him, lets out a noise that makes the normally loud Vanessa want to plug her own ears. “You! You’re Brooke’s girlfriend!”

“The one and only.” Or so Vanessa hopes. Not that she wants to go down that spiral.

“Honestly, we were beginning to think that you didn’t exist, from the way we’ve never seen you.”

“I may as well not.” Vanessa mutters it under her breath, so that they don’t hear. As much as she’d love to start shit right now and as much as she loves mess, she’s not gonna stoop low.

“Well, come along with Brooke to our library study sessions sometime. We get stuff done. Occasionally, at least.” The girl with the bleach blonde hair turns towards her friends. “Remember that time that B ordered pizza to the library? And we snuck it in and-”

“We ate it and hid it from the security guard under the table-”

“-that was hysterical.” They’re all cracking up, the lot of them, and Brooke is too, and Vanessa wants to disappear into the couch. More inside jokes that she’s not a part of. Probably will never be a part of, at least not in the same way that a group of friends sharing a med school class are a part of.

It’s fine.

“Yeah, sure, maybe.” The words leave Vanessa’s lips halfhearted, because really, does she want to go and hear about people that she doesn’t know and classes that she’s not part of, and generally feel like she’s still on the outside looking in?

Not really.

“Brooke?”

“Yeah?” Brooke looks surprised, almost, that Vanessa’s calling out to her. It could be due to the fact that they haven’t been speaking much over the last few weeks, or maybe not.

Who’s to know for sure, really?

But Vanessa’s interview went well, real well. And she kinda wants to share it with someone. Someone there in person, not just on the phone. “Can we talk for a sec?”

Brooke bites her lip, looking between her friends and her phone. “Um, can it wait? Just got the text from a girl in our class that everyone’s meeting outside Convocation Hall to watch. We gotta go.”

Sure, Vanessa expects it, because the two of them aren’t each other’s highest priority anymore. But it still fucking stings. She patches up the hole in her chest, the one looking for Brooke’s pride, Brooke’s approval, the one that preens under Brooke’s appreciative glance because she’s not going to get it anytime soon. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

She could fight right now, yell at Brooke for being flippant. But does it matter? When Brooke probably won’t even give a shit?

It’s not like she really does these days, anyway.

The door closes behind them and Vanessa pats the couch, letting Riley jump onto it and curl up beside her. She buries her face into his fur as the sounds of talking get softer and softer down the hallway.  

Vanessa doesn’t feel like calling her mom anymore, either.

Brooke comes back when Vanessa’s already climbed into bed, reviewing her notes for her upcoming microbiology exam. Vanessa doesn’t want to look up, she really doesn’t, when Brooke climbs in beside her.

They don’t automatically snuggle into each other the way they used to. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between their sides of the bed, and Vanessa’s not sure which one of them keeps on adding the bricks on to it.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Vanessa flips to another page of her review, trying her hardest to focus on the virus that she’s supposed to be studying, but can’t help pulling her eyes up.

“The second years set a bunch of chickens loose on the lawn in front of Convocation Hall as they left their lecture. It was hilarious.” Brooke lets out a small laugh, evidently remembering the sight in front of her. Not that Vanessa cares.

“Fun.”

“Yeah.” There’s an awkward pause, one that makes Vanessa want to fidget before Brooke speaks again. “You wanted to tell me something earlier?”

Oh. That.

“It doesn’t matter.” Vanessa mumbles the words as she turns another page over, because it really fucking doesn’t. Brooke didn’t care enough a couple hours ago. She doesn’t care now.

Vanessa doesn’t need any reactions or cheering from her.

“What? Just tell me.” Brooke shifts on her side, raising an eyebrow. “What was it?”

“I ain’t gotta tell you anything,” Vanessa snaps, suddenly annoyed. The interview feels like it happened ages ago by now, anyway. She’s already told her mom and Silky and A’keria and celebrated how well it went by ordering in Postmates and why should she have to retell it, when Brooke didn’t even want to hear about it in the first place?

“Fine,” Brooke huffs, crossing her arms. “Don’t say I didn’t ask, later.”  

“Fuck off.” Vanessa doesn’t want to deal with this, doesn’t want to end up in the shitty mood that Brooke always manages to put her in. She’s tired of it. “Not like you actually care.”

Though apparently, Brooke isn’t. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Excuse me?” Vanessa feels her voice raising as she finally puts her review down on the bedside table because is now the time that Brooke is going to come for her? Really?

“I don’t actually care? You’re the one who never talks to me anymore, you never want to come to things with me or meet my friends and, you know what? I’m tired of trying with you.” Brooke looks cold, real cold, in a way that Vanessa’s never really seen directed towards her. The kind of closed off expression that she only gets when she talks about her parents, or when she’s ranting about one of her professors. The kind of Brooke that Vanessa’s not quite so used to, not when the Brooke that she normally gets is soft and open and not so closed off.

Vanessa’s about to run her mouth, though Brooke isn’t done, cutting her off before she’s able to say anything. “All you’re doing is pushing me away. Like the past three years have been bullshit and don’t matter anymore.”

“You’re the one who’s left me behind!” Vanessa runs a hand through her hair, because how doesn’t Brooke get it? Brooke’s moved on, moved onto other things and left Vanessa floundering in the dust and they’re supposed to be a team.

That’s what they’re supposed to be.

“No I didn’t, and you know that. I’m still trying, I’m the only one that’s still fucking trying between the two of us because you can never bother to even give me the time of day anymore.” Brooke’s jaw is set and she swallows hard, as if she’s trying to push everything back down and it’s not fair. Because Brooke is acting like this is solely her fault, when it isn’t.

“You’re never here anymore, how do you expect me to even do that? You’re always in class or hanging with your own friends or doing some med school event or the other. Not like I can even come to those.” Vanessa crosses her arms. She’s not going to follow Brooke to the ends of the earth to try. Not when Brooke wouldn’t even do the same for her.

“It always comes back to med school, huh?” Brooke lets out a bitter laugh. “Always the thing that makes you snap.”

“Don’t-”

“You still blame me because you didn’t get in, don’t you? Or at least, you take it out on me. Because I’m here and the admissions committees don’t exactly respond well to any sort of threats.” Brooke hasn’t raised her voice, not really, but the words still set Vanessa on fire, make her angry because Brooke’s so damn calm while she says them.

“You think real highly of yourself.” Vanessa doesn’t care about being quiet anymore, unlike Brooke. Not when she’s being like this. “You ain’t that important, bitch.”

“Believe whatever you want.” The ice is back, the tendrils beginning to creep along Vanessa’s skin from her words. “We both know it’s true. That’s when things started to get like this, when you stopped trying to actually talk to me about things. When you didn’t get in and I did.”

“Fuck off.”

“Maybe try a little harder for this next year and you don’t have to be so bitter anymore.” Brooke has a smirk on her face, the bitch. As if it’s all a joke to her.

“You really think I didn’t try hard? Like I didn’t put in as much effort as you, didn’t deserve it like you did? Like I wasn’t supporting you that whole fucking time?” Vanessa’s mad, real mad, because how dare Brooke even say that she didn’t fucking try hard, when Brooke was the one who was there, and saw her. “Maybe the reason I didn’t get in was because I had to spend so much time trying to make you feel better. Holding your hand constantly when you got anxious and stressed and had to put my books down to make sure you didn’t fucking blow a gasket on me.”

It’s a low blow and Vanessa knows it, by the way Brooke’s eyes darken because this isn’t something that they make light of, or joke about. Either of their mental health. But part of it is true. Sure, it comes with being in a relationship, supporting your partner. But maybe, just maybe, it’s taken away success from Vanessa too. Or at least, that’s what she’s going to tell Brooke, to drive that knife in just a little bit deeper.

There was a time when the last thing that Vanessa wanted to do was to hurt Brooke.

That was a long time ago.

“I didn’t realize I was such a huge burden to you.” Brooke narrows her eyes, and Vanessa can see the way that she’s covering up her heart, reinforcing it with every brick that she puts in front of it for protective armour. “You know what, though? I’m doing just fine. Just fine without you, don’t you think? Meanwhile, you look like you’re falling apart.”

Vanessa wants to scream and tell Brooke that she’s not, that she’s just fine, but the words don’t come. Because Brooke’s right.

And Vanessa hates it because it means that Brooke really has moved on.

“What, you don’t have anything to say, now that you don’t have anyone to blame anymore? Now that you actually have to take responsibility for something, for once in your life with no one to pick up the pieces for you?”

Vanessa doesn’t.

“Fine.” Vanessa’s off the bed, grabbing her coat that’s hanging on the back of their bedroom door, because she’s done. “You win.”

“Can you just fucking listen to yourself for once? It’s not about winning!” Brooke’s following her and she doesn’t care, she’s not going to stop even with how frustrated Brooke sounds. Because she’s wrong.

Brooke’s won, left her in pieces the way that she’s so good at doing again and again.

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke to build herself back up.

(now)

The light of dawn makes Brooke glow in shades of gold.

It’s 5:45 a.m., and Vanessa’s unable to sleep anymore because of the rays of sun that are beaming directly into her eyes from Brooke’s bedroom window.

Their surgery starts at 8 a.m. sharp. They’ve done the practice run, have had consult meeting after consult meeting. Vanessa would probably be able to do the procedure with her eyes closed. Even if the surgery is approximately four and a half hours long.

Vanessa’s done longer. They both have. She’s not worried.

For now, her thoughts are solely drawn to the woman lying beside her.

There’s something about Brooke in sleep that continues to be absolutely mesmerizing to Vanessa. The way her lips are slightly parted, the way the worry lines etched into her face smooth themselves out while she’s dreaming. The slight twitch of her fingers and the soft breaths that she lets out as the sheets brush her skin.

She’s beautiful.

Vanessa gets up as slowly as she can to not wake Brooke up, and pulls on one of Brooke’s sweaters before she heads to the kitchen. She can’t help the little curses she lets out as she tries to get Brooke’s Keurig to work, different from her own at home.

“Stupid, damn machine-”

Though she doesn’t have to grumble to herself for long, two steaming drinks in her hands before the clock strikes 6:00.

When she heads back to the bedroom Brooke is awake, a hand running through her hair and her eyes wide as she sits up. Vanessa can see the palpable relief in Brooke’s eyes when she spots her in the doorway, along with the way that Brooke’s grip on the sheets begins to lessen, her body releasing the tension that had began to build up.

“You okay?” Vanessa hands Brooke a mug before sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, I-” Brooke draws in a breath, looking down at the sheets. “Thought you’d left.”

The words lie heavy in Vanessa’s heart, because she knows she’s the one that’s made Brooke so afraid of it.

“I ain’t gonna leave, B,” Vanessa starts, voice soft, “Unless you want me to.”

Brooke looks up at her and Vanessa can see a vulnerability in her eyes. Neither of them are talking about this morning anymore. Vanessa knows it, she knows that Brooke knows it.

Vanessa’s not going to leave.

“You know it’s different now, right?” Vanessa puts her hand on top of Brooke’s on the mattress, feels Brooke’s hand turn over to grab hers. “It’s not like it used to be. We’re not like that anymore. We’re different.”

“We are, aren’t we?” Brooke’s just as soft, her voice on par with the way the sun is beginning to rise even more, lighting up the room.

“We’re not gonna end up like that again. I won’t let it.” Vanessa won’t. She can’t, because she’s already lost Brooke before, slowly and then all at once. Ripping off the band-aid at a torturous pace.

“How, though? How do we know we won’t end up like that again?” Brooke’s voice is almost pleading and Vanessa gets it, she does, because the tug in her heart is asking the same question. Waiting, just waiting, to catastrophize and concoct scenarios of how they could go all wrong.

“‘Cause we’re not gonna let that resentment build between us. We’re killing it in our own fields, both the heads of our departments. We’re not competing against each other anymore. We’re cheering each other on.” It does make a difference, it really does, when Vanessa thinks about it. Not having to vy for the same opportunities, same goals.

Brooke’s success isn’t a detriment to Vanessa’s own, and vice versa. She knows that now.

“Plus, I’m not a bitch ass, immature, twenty year old anymore.” Vanessa is sheepish as she says it, watching Brooke giggle. “You succeed now? I’m gonna have my phone out to record everything with a proud fucking grin on my face.”

“Same.” Brooke tilts her head and the sunlight glints off of her hair and Vanessa’s never seen a more beautiful girl in her life. “I want those memories with you. I want them to happen.”

“Look at you getting all soft on me, B.” Vanessa leans forward to kiss her, cutting off the half hearted protest on Brooke’s lips (‘I’m not that soft’).

But it’s true, Brooke is. So soft and open in a way that Vanessa loves, in a way that she feels so lucky that she gets to experience, since Brooke likes to keep that part of herself hidden away, not showing it to just anyone. Vanessa had been lucky enough to have that version of Brooke in university in the early years. And now here Brooke is, trusting her and letting her see the most beautiful parts of herself again.

Not the fact that Brooke’s a great surgeon, even though she is. Not the fact that she’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant, a fact that everyone already knows.

But rather, the fact that Brooke’s grip on her hand always tightens when she’s happy, and also all the little kisses that she presses to the crook of Vanessa’s neck whenever they snuggle as they’re about to fall asleep. The way that Brooke seems to remember little flippant things that Vanessa says, ever so thoughtful, like when she brought coffee before their consult meeting with the entire team yesterday and Vanessa’s had a dash of vanilla, just the way she likes it.

The softer parts of Brooke that contrast from the tight ship she runs as a surgeon, the rigidity that she imposes. The parts that make Vanessa realize that she really still loves her, so so much.

Brooke’s alarm clock blares as the numbers shift over to 6:30, making them both jump. Brooke turns it off, and Vanessa can’t help the way she leans against her side, revelling in how Brooke wraps her arms around her and rests her chin on top of her head.

“We have to get ready.” Brooke mutters the words into her hair before pressing a kiss there, and it makes Vanessa want to squeeze her eyes shut tight.

“No, we don’t.”

“We have a surgery scheduled at 8:00 a.m. sharp.”

“Who said that?”

Brooke snorts. “Come on, baby. Let’s go.”

The term of endearment makes Vanessa’s heart flutter more than she wants to admit, as if she’s eighteen again and crushing on the girl that sits beside her in anatomy class with two french braids in her hair.

Except, now? She knows, really knows, how much this girl actually means to her. And how hard she’s going to work not to lose her again.

“Tie up the back of my gown for me?”

Vanessa dries her hands and turns to see Brooke standing with her back towards her, scrub cap already on along with her face mask, surgical gown on top of her scrubs but untied.

“Sure.” Vanessa double knots the ties on the gown the way she always does with her own, always remembering the one unfortunate instance when she hadn’t tied her gown properly and it promptly came off on top of a patient’s open chest. Not one of her finest moments.

“All done. Anyone tell you how fucking adorable you look with a scrub cap covered in cats?”

Brooke’s mask is covering half of her face, but Vanessa can still see the way she blushes, the top of her cheeks glowing pink. “Shut up.”

“I’m serious! It’s cute.” Vanessa protests, pointing to her own covered in puppies. “Besides. We kinda match.”

“That’s true.” Brooke grins behind her surgical mask, and Vanessa can tell by the way that her eyes scrunch.

The charge nurse for their surgery yells out a timecheck, and it makes Vanessa remember that they’re really about to do this together. After so much planning, so many late nights. So many fights in the early stages, which seem almost comical now, looking back at them.

She and Brooke are both too damn stubborn sometimes, though it’s something that Vanessa hopes never ever changes.

“You ready?” She reaches out, squeezes Brooke’s hand before letting go. They’re still at work, after all, but she knows how Brooke can get, how an extra check in never hurts.

“Yeah. Now c’mon.” Brooke tilts her head towards the operate suite, at the way their team is finishing their set up for the surgery. “It’s a beautiful day to save lives.”

Vanessa gapes. “You did not just quote Grey’s Anatomy at me-”

Brooke cackles as she follows her into the suite. “I’m quite the McDreamy, aren’t I?”

“You wish.”

Vanessa massages her own shoulder as they stand in the line for Tim Hortons, neither of them particularly keen that morning on packing lunches for after their joint surgery.

“I’m fucking sore from being hunched over.”

Brooke looks over at her with an adorably furrowed brow. “You’re a surgeon. You do this for a living.”

“And you’re supposed to say you’ll give me a massage.” Vanessa pouts, though it morphs into a grin when Brooke wraps an arm around her shoulders.

“If you’re patient and can wait until the end of the day. Can you do that?”

“It’ll be real difficult.” Vanessa lets out a fake sigh as they head to their table, where some of the neuro and cardiac surgeons have already began to eat. “I dunno if I’ll have it in me.”

“If you’re good, you can have something in you-”

“Bitch-”

They’re both giggling as they sit down at the table, and Vanessa can already see the incredibly curious faces of their coworkers.

“You two aren’t fighting?” Kameron points between them, squinting her eyes as if she’s attempting to solve a complex math problem.

Brooke shoots Vanessa a look, almost asking permission. Vanessa nods, because what the hell. It’ll be funny to see everyone’s reactions.

“Considering she woke up in my bed today, no.” Brooke takes a sip of her coffee as their table erupts into chaos.

“Goddamn! And y’all say that I’m the loud one.” Vanessa yelps when Yvie grabs her hand to high five it, ducks out of Kameron’s bear hug directed towards her. “Absolute animals.”

“So. Tell us.” Plastique looks delighted as she takes a bite of her sandwich. “Was the sex good? After that much fighting, it must be good.”

“A lady never kisses and tells.” Brooke smiles faux demurely before stealing a Timbit from Vanessa’s lunch.

“Hey-”  

“Sorry, baby.” Brooke doesn’t look the least bit sorry as she pops the Timbit into her mouth. “I’ll make it up to you later.”  

She’s so cute that Vanessa can’t even be mad about it.

Yvie wrinkles her nose. “You two are already gross. Unbelievable.”

Brooke grins. “Says the girl who wouldn’t shut up about her date with her girlfriend during the temporal lobe tumour removal last week.”

Yvie sticks her tongue out at both of them. “Hateful.”

“Truthful.”

Vanessa’s about to chime in, when she’s interrupted by the slam of Asia’s tray on the table, Asia herself looking out of breath and quite smug.

“You all won’t believe the tea I have on these two from yesterday.” Asia looks positively delighted as she points between Vanessa and Brooke.

Vanessa can’t help herself. “We already told everyone else. It ain’t breaking news no more, Anderson Cooper.”

“Damn. And here I was actually excited about something for once.” Asia scowls, before pausing. “Wait, how do you know who Anderson Cooper is?”

Vanessa scoffs. “I watch shit sometimes. Nah, I’m playing. It was on the TV in the cardiac outpatient waiting room the other day. I prefer 90 Day Fiancé, myself.”

Kameron snorts. “A woman of culture.”

“That I am, bitch.”

Brooke nudges Vanessa’s side. “Gotta go. Consultation with a patient in ten.”

Vanessa gives Brooke her best fake pout. She knows that they’re at work, surrounded by coworkers and patients and families, but sometimes it feels like time spent with Brooke passes by too fast, like it’s in fast forward.

“Don‘t give me that face.”

“Hmph.”

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you have a meeting in ten, too?”

Vanessa shrugs. “Maybe so.”

“You’re something else.” Brooke reaches over to ruffle Vanessa’s hair and Vanessa yelps, because her curls don’t stay this nice with anyone messing them up.

“I’ll see you soon?” Brooke’s eyes are expectant as she stands up, gathering her things from the table.

“That you will.”

It’s true, in more ways than one. Vanessa doesn’t want to let Brooke go anytime soon.

[it-is-reigning-men]

Most of the Time [Jeff Hardy x Reader]

Request for Anon: Where you live in North Carolina for just the summer and one day this guy comes sputtering through on his motorbike because he ran out of gas in your front yard. You help him out and get to know him and then he disappears until some days later he comes back and asks you for a ride. (This is when he was younger btw!)

A/N: For once this isn’t smut!! wow !! I hope y’all still enjoy my fluffy stuff. Plus a teeny bit of angst. I actually really enjoyed writing this out, though I took a lot of breaks because certain parts got rocky.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of drugs/rehab

You needed the time alone.

It was weird to think that, when you were always complaining about the feeling.

That didn't change the fact you just needed to find something - god knows what - without any therapists or disappointed mother or fake friends to go giving you their "ancient wisdom."

After a lot of the usual yelling and door slamming, you'd managed to convince your mom (or really, your dad to talk to your mom) to let you have the old summer home in North Carolina. Maybe the thing that got her to let up and not force you along with them on vacation was that she thought the old house would get you to recall just how angelic you used to be. Or maybe she was just tired.

Whatever the reason, you didn't blame her. You were tired too.

...

The house wasn't huge, but it wasn't no 300 square feet; it was cozy as you remembered it, and honestly, what made it so comforting was having it all to yourself. You plopped down on the couch, curling into a blanket before switching the TV on. It only had the basic cable channels, but you weren't really watching it anyway... the dull noise helped you relax.

Days went on languidly, and it wasn't long before boredom set in. Contented boredom, but boredom nonetheless.

During the last week of your first month there, you emerged from the house and sat on the porch, eyes running over the grass of the front yard. It was hardly a yard, with long, dry pieces of grass sprinkled about.

You went around back to see if the lawnmower was still there. Indeed it was.

"Could use some... cardio, I guess."

Wheeling the thing out front, you managed to flatten out a good 2/3 of the yard before the damn motor died out; you were frustrated enough from spending at least ten minutes trying to get the thing running, so you left it outside.

Dragging your feet all the way back indoors, you splashed your face in the bathroom sink, before peeking into the mirror's medicine cabinet for some painkillers.

Okay.

So you weren't surprised the bottles you found were extremely expired, but you were more upset that you'd dived for medications even though your head was just barely throbbing. Maybe it wasn't even throbbing at all.

Weak.

You sighed, swiping all the contents of the cabinet into the trash can and tying the trash bag with a knot so you could dispose of it completely.

When you got to the porch again, chucking the small bag of garbage into the pickup bin, your ears picked up on something odd. A sort of sputtering, and it was getting closer.

The sputtering turned into an audible 'fuck.'

Well, maybe that was just the guy.

Staring blankly, you leaned against the porch fence as a young man rolled right into your yard from god knows where. The house was off of any main roads, but nearby a few forest trails, but nobody had ever bothered you till now.

He didn't even notice you as his motorbike's dirty wheels skidded onto your partially trimmed grass- just kept cursing to himself as he kicked the side of the vehicle.

"Great day, yeah?" You called, watching him dismount and snap his head up to look your way.

"The.. the damn greatest," he called back breathily, unclipping the strap of his helmet as he stepped to the middle of the grass.

"You just gonna stand there?" You taunted.

The man stripped off the helmet, finally, and tucked it under his arm, brows furrowed with a few drops of sweat rolling down his temple. His platinum blond and... blue streaked hair was pressed down, but after running a hand through it and giving it a pull there and a head shake here, it fluffed up a bit.

"Well, can't exactly ride off into oblivion like I intended now." He flickered his eyes fiercely back at his bike. "Ran outta gas."

You figured.

And you decided you liked his hair.

"And here I was thinking you were my shitty Fairy God Mother coming to pay me a visit," you drawled, rolling your eyes and trotting down your porch steps. He chuckled and started to raise his hand as if to get a proper greeting, but you walked right past him toward his bike.

"Nice to make your acquaintance," he huffed, not really offended.

"Opposite of likewise to you, peacock. You ran over my gorgeous lawn." You peered over the bike at the gauge, just to make sure it really was running on empty and this guy wasn't just some psycho trying to get into the house. Not that doing this was any safer, but hey, you had little to lose.

The man pivoted around to look at the 'gorgeous lawn,' and couldn't help the face he made.

"What, not pretty enough for you?" You reiterated, but the amused smirk he tossed you said he knew you were kidding.

"So, do ya think I could ask for some help?"

"Depends what kind."

You locked eyes, tiny smiles melting over your faces. You didn't always get along with people right away, and you'd been on and on about wanting privacy... but at least this interaction wasn't between you and a couch.

"Whatever you're offerin'," he blew a strand of hair from his eye. "But maybe some gas would be nice. At least enough to get back into town?"

"Or you could just walk and I could keep your bike."

He paused.

You laughed.

"Kidding. Lucky I got some extra gasoline in the shed," You walked right past him again and he turned your way. Just as your foot touched the porch steps you stopped again.

"...One sec," You felt a bit dumb going back and forth but something occurred to you just before you wasted your time.

Kneeling by the dirt bike again, you inspected the wheels closely.

Shoot.

"Damn." You sighed.

The man walked up, leaning over next to your squatted form to see.

"What? Oh," He narrowed his eyes. "Shit."

There was a small, jagged rock lodged in the back wheel, the air seeping out every passing moment. At this point the wheel looked a little flatter than it's twin.

"I guess I gotta drive you into town then, sir." Your tone stayed bland, but honestly you didn't mind the mini mission. Shit happens to everyone, after all.

"You don't mind?" He was genuinely surprised.

"Not like I have anything else to do. I'm out here all alone."

You made eye contact again, leaning briefly against his bike.

"I guess I shouldn't have said that. I don't know you. You could be a creep." But you didn't get that impression. And even so. You did take self defense classes a year or so ago, and he wasn't a huge or very bulky guy.

The blond rolled his eyes, chuckling.

"I don't know if it helps any if I promise you I'm not."

"Not really, but it reminds me that I should check you for weapons."

He cocked his head, the twitch on his lips suggesting he wanted to smile.

"Seriously?"

You nodded, stepping up to him, grasping he was just barely taller than you.

"You gonna pat me down or ya expectin' me to strip?"

You brazenly flickered your eyes down his form, fully realizing it would be rather hard for him to hide anything in his clothing; his top was as skin tight as an active wear-long sleeve could be and the pants were more typical biking pants that were a tad puffy with padding and pockets. Plus, you weren't actually that paranoid and you'd been stabbed once before.

Long story.

But anyway.

He lifted his arms along with his eyebrows, expectantly.

"I don't mind. I just wanna fix my bike so I don't have to bother a nice lady anymore."

You smirked, but kept your hands on your hips.

"Pretty sure our short encounter has been enough for you to grasp I'm not a typical 'nice lady,'"

Shifting your eyes down at him once more, you cheekily patted his elbows to get his arms to lower.

"But unless that lump in your pants is a gun, I think you're safe enough for a ride into civilization."

He knitted his brows before checking himself in a fluster.

"- Made ya look." You poked, leaving him bewildered as you jogged in the house to snatch your keys before meeting him at the side of your car.

"You sure got a sense of humor," He lulled, sliding into the passenger seat.

The car stuttered to life, and you hooked your arm over the back of his seat to twist your body around to back out into the pathway and get going.

"Thanks," Only when you were turning to get onto the dirt trail did you register you still hadn't gotten the guy's name. Now that was funny.

"I got a few questions for you, lucky man." You stayed with the improvised nicknames, yet.  

"Shoot." He leaned back into the seat, eyes wandering past the dash onto the road ahead.

"You know the type of wheels you need?"

"Yeah, o'course."

"You have money to pay for it?"

He flashed you a look. "Yes. I wouldn't ask that much of ya."

You pursed your lips, keeping eyes trained forward as you maneuvered around the trails and the small residences that went toward the main town.

"...and your name?" You finally asked, like it wasn't oddly placed in priorities here.

His green irises sparked with bashfulness and he snorted. Looked like he had forgotten about the formality as well.

"Jeff." After smiling at your side profile, he continued. "Hardy."

You tossed the name around mentally a few times before locking it in the vault.

"That's your full name?"

"It's Jeffery Nero Hardy, if you must know."

Well you didn't have a must, but Jesus, that was a name. Cooler than your's, unfortunately.

"Cool." Is all you said.

He gave you a minute of silence before nudging your response with a hum.

"Oh!" You acted embarrassed, making another turn. "It's Y/F/N. I didn't pick it."

"Ya make it seem like it's a bad name," Jeff propped his cheek onto his hand, leaning into his door's armrest. "It's not."

Though the casual compliment was welcome, though unasked for, you felt a tingle in your chest at the smirk playing at his lips. You noticed it in the reflection.

The fact was, town— or at least the auto shop you were headed towards— was still at least twenty minutes away, so there was time to burn and for some reason you wanted to keep talking to this Hardy guy. By all accounts you loved indulging in peaceful quiet, but it was like you couldn't help it. The guy, who literally rolled into your world, pulled you away from the alone time you begged for and you didn't even mind.

Maybe you had taken those expired meds without realizing it.

Ugh.

No, you didn't, but this feeling reminded you too much of the cheesy-as-all-hell story one of the girls from group therapy had divulged about the fling that saved her life. This was not going to be a fling. And you weren't in any dark place that you craved stopping your life short. And you weren't interested in him.

You were stopping right now, though, because of the stop light.

"So, Y/N," Jeff abruptly crashed through the silence, eyes continuously (perhaps unintentionally) glancing at you. "Why're you livin' up the hillside all alone for, anyhow?"

Apparently he believed he earned himself some questions because you'd asked him some. He didn't, but you weren't enough of a bitch to ignore him.

"Not living up there. Just staying. It's actually just a Summer home."

Jeff nodded once, "That's nice."

You coughed into the crook of your elbow, clearing your throat.

"I just needed time to clear my head and... be independent. People were always in my ear or on my case back where I was coming from." You wrinkled your nose, recalling all the times before recent you had wanted to run from it all and be free to mess yourself up if you wanted. Granted, you were grateful to be how you were now, but that would never change how it happened.

"I hear that. I was so caught up gettin' distance between me and my problems that my bike ran outta gas."

"Kudos for carelessness and being a loner," You held out one hand for a fist bump. "Cause me too."

He bumped it eagerly, shifting in his place. "I guess we're just similar souls, then."

"Hah. Yeah. Since I'll... probably never see you again after our little adventure, I guess it wouldn't hurt to share a bit. It's not often I get to have conversations with complete strangers who don't already have an opinion of me." You said, not quite sure of the decision.

Jeff's attention dialed in on your voice, completely willing to listen you speak all day. He felt largely the same magnetism toward you, even if the acquaintance had only been around an hour long.

It took half of a song on the radio for you to fully gather your thoughts to deliver a short version of your life story, but you did it.

"So... I'm only just getting into my twenties, right,"

Jeff made a mental note that you were both in the same age range.

"But I've gotten into some bad shit. My own fault, really, but not so much my decision to get stuck with it. Drugs'll do that to a naive body. Any... body, actually."

Jeff's head perked up, although his gaze went down to his hands again, something stirring. No wonder something felt familiar.

"I just got cleared from rehab, thank the Gods for getting me out of that place, too white and clean and perfect. But at least I'm better than I was— sober and all. But my family sure ain't treating me any different." Your grip on the wheel tightened, and you hated that the back of your eyes felt warm; you shook off the feeling and stayed alert.

"You ever get a feeling like that?"

Jeff knew he had, but he asked. "Like what?"

"Like you're alone even when you're surrounded by people? Whether they love you or hate you, doesn't matter, it's just you."  

Jeff was sure there wasn't ever a statement that resonated with him so purely - but you'd said it like it was right from his own brain.

"Too often. Most of the time I kinda wish I had someone who got me," He sorta half smiled, seeing your eyes in the rear view mirror. The sadness in them made him feel terrible, like he knew you. "And it's kinda scary how alike we are. 'Cept I ain't totally clean just yet..."

You braked harder than was necessary when you reached the last light before you'd be at the shop.

"Still fightin' my demons. And stubborn enough to want to do it without any pro help. I like being in control of my own self." He breathed in one strained breath, daring to look up at your curious face.

"At least you're trying it. The only reason I'm around is cause my parents forced me into the help."

"At least you're better. Forced or not."

"I wish I had your self-determination. Maybe then I'd have gotten here myself and not have to feel like shit and get shit on by my folks."

"Sometimes ya need somebody to get on your case. God. Self-determination... more like self-sabotage." It was like he was just now wondering why he was running in the first place. He missed his family, but when your body's got unhealthy chemicals stirred in he supposed one didn't make great choices. "I'm just a stubborn ass." And that too.

For some reason you both hacked out a laugh.

"You did end up broken down on my lawn because you were too much of an ass to stop for gas, that's all I know."

He came out of the slump and cracked a grin at your blunt remark.

"If ya can even call that a lawn."

Finally you rolled into the minuscule parking lot of the auto shop, and you turned off the car.

"Oh, sorry, didn't know you had high lawn standards." You playfully rolled your eyes, popping open your door.

"I do. You should see my place sometime." He got out.

"Don't think I know you well enough for that." You chuckled, swinging your keys on your finger as you walked up to the open garage.

"I'm actually a pretty skilled with the lawn mower." Like that was something that sounded cool; when he said it all confident you were almost convinced it was.

"I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe if you're so enthusiastic you could repay me by finishing up my grass, then."

You weren't serious but he was nodding at you while you two browsed the tire selection. At one point one of the workers asked if you needed any help, but Jeff was already tapping his desired tire obnoxiously loud.

"This is the one. Go ahead and keep the change." Jeff was fetching his wallet from one of his side pants pockets, handing over (hopefully not too much over) the correct amount of cash to the worker without so much as looking up at him. The worker counted the money to be sure he wasn't being under paid but made to help Jeff out as soon as he put the money in the register and correctly rung up the tire.

"I'll bring it out to your car, si—" The man went over to the item, only to have Jeff hold up a hand and grab it himself. Not like it was a car tire or nothing, but it wasn't the lightest thing on earth.

"Have a good one." Jeff called, walking toward where you were leaning by the door, simply observing.

"You don't slow down, do you." You rose your brows, opening the door for him to get back outside.

"Nah. Probably why-"

"You broke down on my nasty lawn, yeah yeah." You shook your head and sat back in your car seat, looking back at him through the window as he put the tire into the bed of the trunk. It'd be fine till the house.

"You say I don't slow down, but I don' think I ever met a girl with as sharp a tongue as you, Y/N." He returned to his passenger seat, rubbing his hands together.

"I think that was a compliment." You readjusted your mirror, corners of your lips curling up. "Thanks, peacock."

...

It was the same time getting back to the house, and the conversations were far less angst-ridden. It was the kind of conversations people try to have with their family's during road trips, with the stupid eye spies and the jokes and then the comfortable silence.

You still didn't understand why it was that way. Why you were more in tune with this random guy than you'd been with anyone 'close' to you in your life... at least in the last two or three years.

It was refreshing.

But sadly? Short-lived. Figures it would be too good for you, huh?

You helped Jeff get the wrecked tire off and replaced then filled up his tank with the extra fuel you had, since you weren't in need of it yourself. For once your apocalyptic preparation paid off. After that there really wasn't any reason for him to stay.

"Well ah..." Jeff trailed off, wetting his lips briefly and getting shy suddenly. It was cute.

Geez. Now you felt like blushing. Stop.

He sorted his thoughts and swung his legs over his bike, hands planing on his thighs and not the handles, however.

"Thank you. Not just for the bike, either." He smiled, tugging at the roots of his dyed hair a tiny bit.

You frowned only because of the ambiguity.

He shook his head, turning his helmet in his hands after unhooking it from the handle bars. "Ya gave me a good talk. Hope I wasn't too bad a company, either." His tone stayed chipper, but it was obvious he was a little disappointed.

He didn't think he'd have to leave so soon, but he didn't want to bother you longer.

"You weren't. Despite my first impression of you." You snorted, crossing your arms.

"And what was that?" He queried, brows arched.

"Dumb blond. If that even is your real hair color."

He feigned great offense, mouth agape.

"Harsh, Y/N. Real harsh." Jeff slid his head into the helmet, flipping the visor up so he could still keep eye contact. "And I really am blond. Just not this blond."

"Figured that much. I ain't dumb."

He really loved that spunky little grin you did. But that was why he couldn't stick around any longer— goodbyes weren't his thing and he thought, maybe if he got going he'd be able to move on from this encounter without obsessing over it too much. God knows he didn't need more distractions when his career was on the line.

You hated how heavy your heart felt, but you still smiled politely enough and raised a hand for a finger-wiggle of a wave.

"Bye then," you almost called him another nickname to try and dull the distant despondency. "Jeff."

The biker nodded, closing his eyes in a deep breathe.

"Just so ya know," He touched a hand to the visor of the helmet, this time avoiding your eyes. "I liked ya from the beginnin'."

You damn near froze in place. But he drove off after that, disappearing right back into the clearing. Just like that.

"...What an asshole."

A hand clapped over your mouth when it started to smile. He was an asshole but his last words to you were nice. In a way.

Hard for anything to be nice when it's there and then gone.

Going back inside and flopping face first into the couch, it was cool and comfortable; but all at once you felt lonely again. Again, because in the short time you were with Jeff you had felt alright — miraculously one guy made you feel more at home than a house with parents or a visiting room of friends.

... ... ...

Three days passed and you liked to tell yourself you'd already started forgetting all about the peacock boy.

You had not, but nobody was stopping you from lying mentally.

The front yard stayed half mowed because you were one: lazy, and two: it reminded you how Jeff had joked about doing it for you. You wondered how his yard looked, since he seemed so proud of it. Unless that was a joke.

It wasn't a lie that you wanted to know more about him— you didn't know anything, not really, except he made you talk, he was funny, he got your rude humor, and he... he was rolling up to your porch right now. The noise had sounded all too much like it had days ago, only louder because the bike wasn't breaking down this time. He twisted the handles to further get your attention, since you were still staring out at him from the window.

Stepping over to the second step of the porch stairs, you had nothing to say.

Jeff removed his helmet, and used his free hand to pat the second one he happened to have resting on his lap. He beamed.

"Mornin', Y/N. Long time no see?"

"Not long enough." You snapped back, though the words were the absolute opposite to the joy bubbling up from your toes upward.

Thankfully, he still got your humor, and just lifted the other helmet with an extended arm. You couldn't move forward yet.

"Why're you back here, Jeff?"

His arm never wavered, but he took a second to glance around the yard.

"To mow your lawn, obviously." The man faked a yawn. "How'd I know you still wouldn't have it done?"

You huffed, finally walking down to him on his new bike. Your hands hesitantly took the spare helmet too.

"You don't know me though."And he had called himself a stubborn ass.

Patting your helmet with his gloved hand, then poking your forehead, Jeff scooted as much forward as he could be comfortably.

"Sure. But I'd really like to."

You were on the back of the bike before you knew it.

He revved the motor once more before snapping his helmet on and bravely reaching back to put your hands around his trim waist. The last glance he threw over his shoulder, you were barely able to see his eyes through the light tint of the visor, but his words were crystal clear from this proximity.

You liked this proximity.

"Hold on tight, darlin'."

You did. And for the rest of your days you didn't let go.

[bleedingcoffee42]

28?

Snowstorm

xxxxxxxxxxx

The snow was coming down harder thanRoy had ever seen as he watched as the military car slid into thecurb in front of Hughes’s house.   It was a testament to Riza’ssuperb driving skills that she made it to the house at all, there wasa sheet of ice under all the snow and the entire city was blanketedin a treacherous mixture of winter hell.   He wished there had been away to contact her and tell her to forget about picking him uptonight, but Riza wasn’t one to shirk her duties because of theweather.   He watched her get out of the car and cover up as best shecould against the onslaught of snow.   He opened the door just as sheset foot on the porch and she marched inside accompanied by her dogwho had to bound through the snow.  “You could have just left mehere, he’s mostly harmless.”

Riza started to unbutton her uniformjacket and looked around the Hughes’s living room.  Hayate came inand shook off and then went over to the fireplace to dry off and stayout of the way.   “Are we talking about the same Maes Hughes?”

Roy smiled and helped her take hertrench coat off and whispered.  “Mostly.  He’s been drinking.”

She closed her eyes as he made sure tograze her arm with his hands as he pulled the wet black trench coatoff her.   He turned to hang it up and she looked up as Maes came inthe room with a bright smile and his daughter in his arms.    She wassurprised when he hugged her and deposited the little girl in herarms.  “Uh…Sir?”

Maes pulled Roy over by his sleeve andlooped an arm around his shoulder and gushed, “Doesn’t it stirsomething in you?  I mean, your kid clearly won’t be as cute andamazing as my Elicia but I promise not to point that out when he orshe comes over to play. Make some babies with him please.  They’d beadorable.”

Riza winced as the little girl pulledher hair and giggle happily.  She expected to see Roy’s typicalfrustrated scowl but instead saw him a little flustered.   Shecouldn’t help but be taken back and felt a little blush tinge hercheeks as she realized he actually had thought about this.  

“Coffee is on!” Maes scooped up hislittle girl and disappeared from the room as quickly as he hadarrived leaving them both standing in the foyer looking likefrightened deer.  He chuckled.   He was glad nobody else knew howeasy it was to incapacitate those two.

“You really have thought about that,haven’t you?” Riza asked.

“Well…” Roy shrugged.  “He onlymentions it every damned day.  You haven’t?”

“My best friend seems to havedifferent standards on what ‘love’ means.” Riza replied as Rebeccacould be very vocal about what she wanted in a man and love seemed toencompass a bank account, a fine body and a set of balls that wouldput a prize bull to shame.    She felt him step closer and she lookedat his face now that she had time to adjust to the warm house andrelease the tension in her shoulder muscles from driving in the poorconditions.  Roy’s eyes were a little glassy and his cheeks a littlepink and he smelled of alcohol.   These two had been drinking, thatwas never good.

His voice was low as he looked aroundthe Hughes’s living room.  “You never think about us like this? Coming home to each other, kids…a real home?”

She didn’t respond.   The truth wasbest not vocalized.  

He caught the look in her pleading eyesbefore she managed to hide her face from him with a swipe of her handas she shook snow from her hair.  She wanted him to stop teasing herwith something they had no idea how to work out.    

She closed her eyes.  “Maybe I shouldjust leave now.”

“Can’t.  They declared it a snowemergency and only emergency vehicles are allowed on the road.” Heshrugged.  “You’re stuck here for the night.”

“I think you trying to destroy yourcareer and everything you worked for is an emergency.”  She saidand he pouted.  That adorable pout he had when he was unguarded, apout that made him look so young and downright adorable.   Shestepped away from him and said “However I think coffee more of anemergency after that awful drive so  let’s go see what Hughes isdoing in the kitchen besides eavesdropping.”

Maes pretended like he wasn’t justlistening to everything and was actually serving out pieces of pie.  “Hey, did you hear they closed the roads?”

“Yes.”  Riza said and sat down atthe table as Roy found his chair and Maes went around the kitchenpicking up knives and drinks.  She could hear Elicia upstairs,giggling and splashing.  Apparently Gracia stole her away to give hera bath instead of letting her husband use her as an example of theAmestrian Dream.    

“You should stay the night.  It’srational and safe.   I don’t have an extra bedroom but you can havethe couch and Roy can just sleep on the floor.”  Hughes said andplaced a coffee cup in front of her and smiled.  

Thanks to reading Breda’s fanfiction,she knew this was a set up for her to agree to the “snowed-intrope” as he liked to call it.   Hughes was taking the opportunityto  use the weather as an excuse to force them together for thenight.   Sadly, she wasn’t left with much choice.   The Hughes’slived in the suburbs and snow plows were going to focus on mainroads, if they could get them cleared of all the accidents.   Herother option was to sleep in the car.    “I suppose I will have toinsist Colonel, it is the safest option.”

Roy was in the process of lifting abite of pie to his mouth and almost stabbed himself in the face witha fork.   She…was agreeing to sleep at Maes’s house with him?

“You’d be a great Mom.”  They bothlooked to Maes who was staring at them dreamily.  “You’re veryprotective and so concerned about Roy’s well being…I just can’twait to see you two as parents.  Your kids are going to be…well…ahandful.  But still, you’re going to have an amazing family and I’mgoing to enjoy being a part of it.  I also can’t wait to give my bestman speech at your wedding.”

Roy frowned.   He wished his friend wasbeing thoughtful and mediating the argument but he had that dopeylook on his face that told him he was daydreaming about the playdates Elicia could have with his kids.   The little girl squealedupstairs as if on cue and he felt his hostility subside and thatawkward feeling from earlier rear it’s ugly head.  What the hell wasin that drink he had at dinner?

“I’ll go upstairs and get you someblankets.”   Hughes said and ignored the annoyed glare from Riza.  “Oh…you probably want to take a shower too right?   I’m sureGracia has something you can wear….”

Riza watched Hughes disappear, itamazed her at how stealthy that man could be when he wanted to.   Italso amazed her that he was probably going to bring her some of hiswife’s lingerie to wear tonight.  “What has gotten into him?”

Roy rubbed his face.   DammitHughes.   “The house on the next street over came up for saleand he wants me to buy it.   It’s the house right behind this one,backyards separated by just a fence.   He always wanted to raise ourkids together….”

“What kids?”  Riza whispered.  “The Elrics and the dog?”

Roy reached over and grabbed anenvelope. He handed it to her.  “Our kids.  Apparently itwas a slow day in investigations so he had Armstrong draw what ourkids might look like.”

“What?!”  Riza kept her voice lowbut it was hard.  What the hell was wrong with all of them!?  Bredawrote stores, Hughes with his innuendo and now Armstrong withartwork!?   She looked at the pictures and had to admit Armstrong wasincredibly talented in both art and imagination.  

“He really wants me to buy thehouse?”  Roy said and sighed.   “And it sounds like a greatdream.   You know…us…them…living real lives.   I know it’s adream, but….”

“You’ve been thinking about this morethan just tonight.”  She said, knowing him.  His eyes told her theanswer but he played around with his pie crust on the plate andcontinued.  

“Recently, yeah.   Work keeps mebusy, but eventually I have to come home and my life, not the oneeveryone thinks I live, my shitty life slaps me in the face and Irealize the only glimmers of happiness I have are when I see you. ”

“Roy…”

“Maes means well, but he doesn’trealize how much it hurts to show me everything I can’t have.”  Royshrugged.   “I know you’re going to tell me no, tell me all thereasons we can’t and it’s what I need to hear but…I liked the dreamwhile it lasted.   He made me go look at the house and I saw usin it.   I let him walk me around that house and paint this fantasybecause his dreams for me sounded so much better than the ones I hadmade.   I’m sorry.”

She slid her hand across the table andwrapped it around his.  

“I know.”  He said softly.  Theycouldn’t have that dream.  “You don’t have to say it.”

“I thought being snowed in wassupposed to be our excuse for an entire night of wild sex to tame thetempest of sexual tension that was building between us for years.”

Roy bit his lip.  “Did youjust….quote Breda’s fanfiction?”

“I know it’s supposed to be in aremote outpost in the North while we’re on a training mission, butlet’s not get hung up on locations.”  She said and squeezed hishand.  She was glad to see him smile a little.   “I love you Roy,if you need a house and kids and puppies within pistol range of yourbest friend so he can shout out his window at you every day…we canmake that happen.  If you miss him that much to want him in everymoment of your life from the time you wake up to the moment hescreams 'goodnight Roy-Boy’ out his window, we can figure out how tomake it happen.”

He looked up at her and narrowed hiseyes.  “Maybe it is a little close.”

“The Fuhrer’s house is much nicer.”She assured him.  He squeezed her hand and gave her a smile.   Sheheard Hughes coming so she let go and went back to her pie.  

[sweet-hypocrisy]

I Need to Use This More

Going back and rereading some of these posts have been interesting. 

2018 was a bit of an eye opener for me. I learned that hell, I do actually have BPD. Ironic, considering I wrote a post bitching about how my mother tried to label me as such to absolve any responsibility for her shit ability to be an emotionally nurturing parenting. Kicker: I have BPD because of my parents. However, they’re not going to fix me. I need to let go of my anger toward them. My resentment. They’re never going to accept responsibility. My mom will make comments at times. Like when I went over there and broke down in a moment of weakness and went to her freaking out when I found the diagnosis. She told me she knows she’s not the greatest mother and she wasn’t very friendly and warm. She blamed her own childhood. Which from the bits and pieces I’ve gathered over 30 years, I don’t disagree. But it’s always felt more of an opportunity for me to comfort her for her parenting. I wonder if I do the same thing.

I’ve been struggling to cope with the fact that I more than likely have a personality disorder. Mainly, the stigma attached to it. There are times where I go on places like the BPD subreddit, hear how awful Lina is with her BPD, and think that’s not me. No, it is. I have just learned to internalize more and have gotten consequences for not doing so.

I seek validation too often, and I often feel like I manipulate or guilt trip to get that. I feel like an emotional abuser. I cling too hard. People don’t know it, but I make everyone responsible for my mood. Or I blame people for my mood. I’m responsible for that. Nobody else. I can’t control my unstable emotions. My emotions change at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I woke up feeling refreshed, motivated, ready. I organized the house. Took Fiona on a 3 mile walk. Felt accomplished. Then the toilet started leaking all over, into the basement. And I spiralled. So far this morning I have cried twice over minor inconveniences and I just feel so alone and angry. So far for that this morning I have blamed my best friend and husband. Why? Because the composter I was promised would be built is still not (we’ve been busy, had house guests for a week, and I can also build it my fucking self), and is now missing parts and it feels like the responsibility to return and fix my own Christmas gift is on me. Which, I guess it should be. He just bought it. Why does he have to do everything for it? My best friend is texting me to vent about her roommate/best friend she likely has replaced me with, mentioned wanting to plan a surprise party for him. I already feel replaced, and I’m feeling the huge pangs of loss, jealousy. Because she hasn’t done that for me ever (granted, I don’t think I’ve done it for her, either). I do now remember her getting a “surprise” dinner together with Dan when I left Petsmart. She does send me occasional surprise gifts and cards. I need to remember that. My original statement wasn’t fair to make. Again, with assuming the worst of people.  I guess my feelings are coming from feeling distanced from her. Literally, and figuratively. She moved just far enough away to deter the will to drive to and from each other as much as we used to. She started a new job (which she loves, which makes me happy) where she works nights and weekends, which directly conflicts with mine. So that’s two strikes against us. Yet, I spent 12 days off texting her every day over Christmas break and only managed to spend an hour with her. I feel like I make the effort far more than she does. I’m not sure if she does that with everyone, or if it’s just me. I always ask to hang out. I often text her first. Part of me worries she is depressed. She promises me she’s fine. I asked her if there was something wrong with us. She promises we’re fine. Yet, why don’t I believe her? Is it because there is something there, of is it my fucking fear of abandonment? We also have way different...lifestyles, I guess. Well, kind of. As much as she stays in bed and goes to bed at 9pm as I do, she also goes clubbing and bar hopping until 4am. That shit is so far in my past, with the exception of maybe a few nights a year. I’m sure for the most part, all of her other friends would find me incredibly grandma-like and lame. Which is probably fair, lol.

Anyway, back to this toilet situation that somehow ruins my life. My fucked up thought process: blame my husband..sort of. More his job, which he chooses to be employed at. He was supposed to be home Friday. So..somehow the toilet leaking Saturday night is his fault. Like he deliberately made it leak for me to deal with. Of course not. But I tried to find help. Nobody around willing to help. To be fair, he did video chat me and we found the solution, just don’t have the parts to do it. Reality: I’m frustrated with the fact that these things tend to happen when I am alone and I hate feeling out of control by the fact that I do not have the knowledge and skills to fix it myself. So it comes out as anger. It comes out as anger when I feel upset by the fact that I don’t feel like I can depend on people to come help me. Dan’s dad is up North (not that I’m angry at him about it). Jason said he’d come over today, and while he doesn’t often flake in situations like this, he does flake on other things just enough for the seed of doubt to be planted. At the same time I feel guilty he was asked, because I feel like this family treats him as the bitch and errand boy and I feel bad. I literally never ask my parents to help me with a Goddamn thing, and I’m not sure what to expect when they said they’d be over at “some point” to help me. Dan being gone automatically made everything his fault. He is my scapegoat. It’s not fair, and I feel like a terrible wife. When I realize I’m doing this, all I want to do is throw myself off of a bridge. He tried helping me from where he was. Why isn’t that good enough? Like..the only acceptable thing would have been to drop everything, hop on a plane, and come home in 5 minutes and just fix it. That’s not realistic. It’s not even reasonable. He called his dad. He called Jason. He video chatted me. He showed me what to do. Why wasn’t that enough at the time? I remember telling him how it wasn’t fair because there is NEVER a time where he physically was stuck doing something and I wasn’t there to support him. Maybe I’m still resentful because of the miscarriage. Driving myself to the emergency room. Sitting in a room by myself as they delivered the news that I was no longer pregnant when I didn’t even know I was to begin with. When they told me, alone, that our child was estimated 6-8 weeks based on hormone levels and tissue they found remaining in ultrasound. The horrible procedure of removing what was left. Coming home and being stuck wearing diaper pads while I bled. I know it was hard on him. I know he wanted to be there. But he wasn’t. I need to let it go. It’s just made me more afraid to be here alone. What next huge thing is he going to have to miss? He is always here for me. He’s a phone call away. A text away. But he can’t always answer his phone. I just..want him to stay the fuck home. I don’t care if we are stuck in this house for the rest of our lives and he takes a huge pay cut. I can’t take it anymore. I think it’s the one thing that’s going to break us, if there is one. That or my psychotic being will become too much for him. Surprise it hasn’t yet. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll be the very last to know. I don’t know. 

I get so resentful and frustrated when he’s gone. Naturally I have to take on more of the burden when he’s home. All of the cleaning, cooking, appointments, caring for the pets, any minor inconvenience is on me. And I make it all his fault. Like he personally fucking enjoys staying in a shitty hotel room away from home while his wife does everything. He tells me he wouldn’t care if I literally did nothing and he came home to a sink full of dishes. Maybe I do it all because I know I’d be fucking irritated if I came home from a 2 week business trip to a total fucking mess waiting for me (and truthfully feel like I would come home to. Not sure if it’s accounting for my husband’s lack of urgency or attention to detail or me being an asshole and assuming the worst). I do it for him so he can come home and feel like he can relax without an immediate to-do list waiting for him. Yet I do it because I like to provide for him, while at the same time resent him for having to do everything. What the fuck, Nicole. I think some of this is not liking to be by myself. It’s not even just the fact that I’m alone, physically. Being alone gets me stuck in my own head. And if you hate yourself, why would you want to be with yourself, 24 hours a day? It’s always the weekends that get bad for me when he’s gone. Mainly, it’s because as I near my 30′s and people get busy, I can’t get anybody to fucking hang out with me. I’m on my own. During the week I have 10 hours of work to distract me, and then I enjoy coming home for a few hours and then going to bed. Weekends are 48 hours of solitude. And I almost feel guilty for like..having fun and doing stuff without him. Which is 100% on me. I don’t need to do that. But he often will tell me to do wait to do things (like around the house), etc. for when he gets home. And then weeks and weeks pass. Sidevent, I’m so tired of being the motivator and scheduler for these things. Like...our bathroom is still not done. I keep mentioning what needs to get done (aka him to do) and it doesn’t get done. Our front door still isn’t fucking installed and we bought in September. His fucking job gets in the way of everything. It sucks all of his time, energy, and motivation. But they keep throwing money at him so it’s fine. It’s not. He tells me all of the time he’s just content to sit at home doing nothing during our free time because of his long hours and travel. I don’t have either and never get to leave this fucking town, so all I want to do is do so. I want to see the world. People. Dive into other cultures and learn. I feel like he wants anything but. It makes me feel trapped. Tethered. Leashed. Maybe I need to learn to just go and do these on my own. But again, I do so much by myself and alone already...why do I need to add another thing? I do so much alone. Grocery shopping, cleaning, hanging out, visiting our friends. Now I have to travel alone?

So much of my life I thought a lot of my thought processes were an account of my upbringing. Which, I guess it still is. Or was me being humble, modest. I have always assumed the worst of people (in ways such as people promising to do something for me and I will immediately and plan accordingly and assume they will never fulfill that promise because I’m not important enough to keep a promise for or be cared about). I always make myself the point of blame and scapegoat myself in situations. Reality: it’s actually pretty fucking selfish. Not everything is about me. Someone can be upset by something entirely outside of me, dumbass. I am not the cause of everything horrible. I will always convince myself that people don’t like me. Don’t love me. Don’t care about me. Don’t want to be around me. It’s incredibly lonely. I don’t know how to make it stop.

[aion-rsa]

AEW All Out 2020: Date, Time, Card, Matches, Roster, Price, and How to Watch

https://ift.tt/33CgaYQ

There were some growing pains, but All Elite Wrestling has been able to hold its own during the days of COVID. In their last PPV, Double or Nothing 2020, they played up the situation with what’s probably the best ever use of the cinematic wrestling match gimmck with the Stadium Stampede. Now they’re getting ready for their next big PPV, AEW All Out 2020.

There’s some history behind the name of this PPV. AEW’s prototype show back in September 2018 was called All In, which centered around various wrestling promotions and indie talent working together. AEW officially launched a few months later and around its anniversary they had the first All Out. It gave us the crowning of the first AEW Champion in Chris Jericho, an all-women Casino Battle Royal, the surprise debut of Orange Cassidy, and the first (and hopefully not last) Cracker Barrel Clash.

As we prepare for the new edition of AEW All Out, here’s what you need to know about this year’s PPV:

WHEN IS AEW ALL OUT 2020?

The show will take place on Sept. 5 at 8pm ET at Daily’s Place in Jacksonville, FL. Presumably, there will be a Buy-In pre-show at 7 pm.

WHERE CAN I WATCH AEW ALL OUT 2020?

In North America, the show is available on B/R Live. Internationally, you can check it out on Fite.TV.

AEW All Out Price

If you’re watching through FiteTV AEW All Out will cost $49.99. If it’s through another PPV provider, the price is $59.99.

AEW ALL OUT 2020 MATCHES AND CARD

JON MOXLEY (C) VS. MJF

AEW World Championship

Since joining AEW, Jon Moxley has been undefeated in singles competition and it helped him springboard to the top and dethrone original champion Chris Jericho. Moxley has defended the title against Jake Hager, Brodie Lee, Brian Cage, and Darby Allin. So far, nobody’s had his number.

But then there’s Maxwell Jacob Friedman. Like Moxley, his win/loss record is virtually untouchable. His only losses have come in battle royals, a four-way, and a tag match. At no point has he been pinned in AEW. With major wins over guys like Cody and Jungle Boy, MJF truly deserves a high-profile shot at the title.

MJF also feels that not only is he needed as champion but as the true leader of the locker room. MJF’s ascent has taken the form of a political campaign. He and his pet muscle Wardlow also tried to get Moxley to lose his title to Darby Allin (presumably an easier opponent to win the belt), but Moxley retained regardless.

Moxley retaliated by dropping MJF with the Death Rider. MJF and his lawyer have been insisting that the Death Rider be banned from their All Out match. Moxley agreed to sign the contract, but also put in an extra page claiming that he would get a singles match against MJF’s lawyer first.

The match was, as expected, very one-sided and Moxley destroyed the lawyer. Afterwards, Wardlow ambushed Moxley and MJF followed soon after. MJF bloodied up Moxley and posed with his title belt.

CHRIS JERICHO VS. ORANGE CASSIDY

Mimosa Mayhem Match

Ever since Orange Cassidy casually walked through an Inner Circle promo, Chris Jericho has had his problems with the mellow slacker. This led to a match between the two that Jericho won, thanks in part to his teammates interfering. Orange goaded Jericho into a rematch, mostly because he spilled gallons of orange juice onto him from the rafters. Angry at how his $7,000 jacket was ruined, Jericho agreed with the rule that if Jericho won, Orange had to pay him back for the jacket.

Orange defeated Jericho in the rematch. A week later, when Orange was being interviewed, Jericho came out to congratulate him. Since they were 1-1, Jericho offered a special kind of rubber match. Mixing Orange Cassidy’s love for orange juice and Chris Jericho’s love for “the bubbly,” they would surround the ring with a moat of mimosas. Their match can only be decided by pinfall, submission, or throwing the opponent into the mimosa pool.

Read more

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Is MJF Ready for the AEW World Title?

By Mike McMahon

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AEW vs. WWE Ratings War Heats Up as Companies Take Shots at Each Other

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Orange accepted and immediately after, he was beaten down by the Inner Circle. Jericho poured out several bottles of his champagne over Orange’s head. A week later, as Jericho did commentary for Dynamite, the show ended with Orange racing out and brawling with him.

SHIDA (C) VS. THUNDER ROSA

AEW Women’s World Championship

Shida won the AEW Women’s World Championship at Double or Nothing against Nyla Rose. Unfortunately, due to the state of AEW’s women’s division, Shida’s potential challengers either already had their chance, are injured, or aren’t up to the standards of getting a title match. Shida asked for someone to step up.

Thunder Rosa answered. The current NWA Women’s Champion has intent to make her AEW debut by becoming a double champion.

KENNY OMEGA AND HANGMAN PAGE (C) VS. FTR

AEW World Tag Team Championship

This one has been brewing for a while. After losing his chance to be the first AEW World Champion at last year’s All Out, Hangman has wanted out of the Elite. Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks still considered him a friend and that feeling of comradery meant never really respecting his decision. As they were concerned, he was always going to be part of their group…whether he liked it or not. This helped Hangman fall into a downward spiral of drinking, but he also started to gain some success.

Hangman and Kenny won the tag titles and defeated all comers. This included a match against the Young Bucks, which seemed to surprise even Hangman. Between that victory and having to band together against the Inner Circle at Double or Nothing, Hangman seemed to have some sense of peace with his Elite teammates. As he put it, he loved them, but just didn’t really like them.

Enter FTR, formally known as the Revival. For years, people have wanted to see them take on the Young Bucks. They played friendly enough with the Bucks and had a couple moments of conflict with Kenny, but they really got their hooks into Hangman. Hangman became an apologist for every shitty thing FTR did.

This all culminated in a tag team gauntlet between the top ranked four teams. Afraid of having to face and potentially lose to the Young Bucks, Hangman cost them the match. FTR ended up winning in the end. Never getting a chance to explain himself, Hangman proceeded to get chewed out and yelled at by the Bucks, who said that he was no longer part of the Elite and no longer their friend.

A week later, FTR mocked Hangman and said that they barely needed to nudge him. While Hangman is pissed at FTR, he also realizes that Kenny is just as disappointed in him as the Bucks.

CASINO BATTLE ROYALE

Winner Gets an AEW World Championship Match

Introduced at Double or Nothing 2019, the Casino Battle Royale is a 21-man Royal Rumble with a twist. Each wrestler selects a playing card from a deck of 21 cards. Every five minutes, five wrestlers will enter the fray, bundled together by the suit they all drew (hearts, diamonds, spades, clubs). After the first 20 have entered, there’s another five minutes of waiting before whoever drew the joker makes his entrance. Elimination only comes from going over the top rope and having both feet hitting the floor.

As it is right now, the entrants include Darby Allin, Ricky Starks, Brian Cage, Lance Archer, Eddie Kingston, Pentagon Jr., Rey Fenix, the Butcher, the Blade, Shawn Spears, Billy Gunn, Austin Gunn, Jake Hager, Santana, Ortiz, Chuck Taylor, Trent, and four others.

MATT HARDY VS SAMMY GUEVARA

Broken Rules Match. If Matt Hardy loses, he must leave AEW

Due to being key parts of the Elite vs. Inner Circle feud, Matt Hardy and Sammy Guevara have been at it for a while. Once that faction war blew off, Matt was very open about how he thought Sammy would be better off by himself than with Chris Jericho. Sammy didn’t take this well and the two started messing with each other’s matches. This culminated in Sammy beating Matt into a bloody pulp, including a projectile chair to the skull that busted Matt open.

Matt became obsessed with getting his revenge. The two had a Tables Match on Dynamite and although Sammy won, he also suffered a huge gash on his head. Now the two will face off in what is basically a Last Man Standing bout. If Matt loses, then he’s out of the company.

DARK ORDER VS. NATURAL NIGHTMARES, MATT CARDONA, AND SCORPIO SKY

Nearly week after week, Cody defended the TNT Championship against all comers, whether they were from AEW or the indies. This was starting to take its toll, as shown when he teamed up with Matt Cardona against a couple Dark Order flunkies and when he barely won against Scorpio Sky. This was when Mr. Brodie Lee of the Dark Order chose to make his own challenge.

A week later, Brodie absolutely destroyed Cody. Cody didn’t even get a lick of offense in. The new TNT Champion celebrated by further injuring Cody. He and his cronies spent the week drinking and eating a lot of Chili’s (it’s…a long story).

When celebrating further on the next Dynamite, the Dark Order was interrupted by Dustin, QT Marshall, Scorpio Sky, and Matt Cardona. A brawl ensued and Cody’s friends and family won out. Now the top members of the Dark Order (Brodie, Evil Uno, Stu Grayson, and Colt Cabana) will face them at the PPV.

YOUNG BUCKS VS. JURASSIC EXPRESS

In the final show before All Out, an eight-man tag was put together of Young Bucks/Jurassic Express vs. Private Party/SCU with the winning team facing each other at the PPV. Thanks to some impressive teamwork, the Bucks and Jurassic Express came out the winners. The Bucks came off seeming more annoyed than anything else, still angry about losing their title shot.

DR. BRITT BAKER DMD VS. BIG SWOLE

Tooth and Nail Match

Due to a bad leg injury, Britt Baker abruptly had to be removed from Double or Nothing. Rather than hide out and return months down the line, the wheelchair-bound Baker had become an annoying fixture on AEW Dynamite. Eventually, her attitude got the attention of Big Swole, who proceeded to kidnap Baker and throw her into a dumpster. For a while, Swole was banned from the building, but has been welcomed back, ready to get her hands on Baker once she’s able to compete. Swole won a 3-on-1 handicap match to earn a shot at Britt and even pick the stipulation.

Big Swole announced it would be a “Tooth and Nail Match,” but before she could explain what that was, Baker and Reba attacked her. Baker revealed that she no longer needed a wheelchair to move.

Check back for more information on AEW All Out 2020 as we learn more!

The post AEW All Out 2020: Date, Time, Card, Matches, Roster, Price, and How to Watch appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[probablybipolar]

Feeling low

My best friend visited me at uni last weekend, coming for 16 hours overnight to go clubbing and see me. He literally had 2x 5-hour coach journeys the mad bastard. I told all my uni friends about this two weeks in advance and asked them to be there and to hang out and go out with us. On the night only 2 out of the 10 were really there. The others all fucked off with various excuses. I can’t put into words just how at home and happy I felt having my mum visit me last week and then my bestfriend too. There was no drama, easy conversation and just relaxation in general.

When I talk to my uni friend AS he is unbelievably insecure. Every thing he brings up in conversation is some kind of masculinity competition I swear to god. I eat my dinners with him as we are both catered and every night he talks about how many push ups, pull ups and sit ups he’s done, how many fucking nuts he’s eaten and why they are such great food, complains about the same fucking girl who he’s already been rejected by but continues to be her best friend all day. When he went on this stupid camping trip over the weekend he walked 90km in 3 days. He talks about how it was an ‘adventure’ and how the ‘danger’ made him feel revived and alive. He talked as if he’d done something amazing I should be in awe of. Seriously though? I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if he’d climbed Snowdonia. The danger he was in? It was just him being a fucking idiot e.g. walking down a marshy hillside AT NIGHT or being subjected to only eating beans all weekend WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST BROUGHT SOMETHING ELSE. There’s a weird pretentiousness that some people have about the outdoors and he most definitely has it. I love camping and hiking myself don’t get me wrong, but in my opinion it should be a relaxing experience focused on talking to people and campfires and NOT walking all day long from dawn until after dusk when it’s too dark to make a fire and focusing on photography all day to the point that you don’t fully experience it. He just won’t shut up about it either but he clearly can’t take a fucking hint that I actually respect him less for this stupid excursion rather than more.

The next issue on my mind has to be my girl failures. I consider myself to be pretty optimistic about the future in general. Not until recently had I considered that I might not even have a successful romantic/sexual interaction with a girl before the end of uni. This situation is dire though. I’m not meeting many girls at the moment but even at times when I AM meeting many, I don’t get anywhere. I don’t know why either. I’m no longer either too forward or too shy, I try to flirt (though I suck at it I guess), about half the girls I’m into are quite rude to me etc. They say that you need confidence to be successful romantically but how can I have that kind of confidence when I have only failed and failed and failed my entire life? I kissed a girl on a summer camp type of thing when I was 15 but that’s it. I’m 20 at the end of the year and I’ve made no progress since then. It hurts me internally so badly because my girl failures have always been at the forefront of my mind. I’ve never been able to get fully engrossed in a hobby or subject that I’d forget girls and so it’s always been a painful hindrance to my existance. What’s more, nobody seems to give a shit that I don’t get with anyone. My friends don’t give me advice because they’re too self-centred for that shit and often it feels like they think they’re in competition with me over everything rather than being up for helping me. I’ve been feeling very low for the whole last week except when my mum and friend came to visit. Literally both days they were coming I was hoping they wouldn’t come because I wanted to be alone but then the moment they arrived I felt so happy. 

When I see and talk to my real best friends I genuinely have a warm feeling in my heart. My best-friend/crush CF who lives on the other side of the world snapchats me still. I kid you not that girl is so pretty not only on the outside but she is such a kind soul with a beautiful creativity I can not resist. When She takes a good photo of herself I cry a little. My heart skips a beat and I can’t help but admire her face. Maybe that sounds weird but when I’m looking at her picture, even during a hectic pre-drinks, I’m in a warm bubble and it always makes me smile. With some people on snapchat you just delay opening their snaps because you can’t be fucked to reply yet or maybe you want to wait the appropriate time. With her, I either open it immediately or if I’m very busy I save it for when I need something to just calm me down. I do think I’m somehow in love with her which is silly but even my drunk self thinks so. Drunk-me has declared on multiple occasions that I’ll marry her.

On a totally different note I want to talk about national identity. I claim 5 which makes this very confusing. By heritage on one side of the family I’m Greek. I’m happy to be called Greek and I love Greece - the place, the language, the people, the food. The issue is that it’s my mother’s side so nobody thinks I’m Greek which means they’re always surprised when I defend it in arguments and talk about my love for the culture. I joined the Greek society at uni in the hopes that I might get more in tune with the culture here but unfortunately that went terribly. I just feel so alienated when I go to the society meetings because everyone just speaks in fluent Greek and ignores the ones like myself who are not fluent. On top of that like half of the people there are Cypriot so they have a weird fucking accent which makes understanding them even harder. There’s literally no point me being there and they make me feel like an outsider. Even though I’m on a Greek intramural football team, the other members just ignore the fact that I don’t speak it for the most part. This is exacerbated by the fact that I’m 100% the worst player on the team though I’ve greatly improved and I know for sure that one of them is always mouthing me off in Greek behind my back. I just don’t belong. Similarly I joined Balkan society cos my Dad’s side of the family is Serbian. It’s such a small society and spread out over different ages that I can’t just blend in-it’s shitty af. I have two Bosnian friends at the uni and they joked about how I still can’t speak the language a couple weeks ago. They also understand Balkan culture so much better than I ever could and wear adidas trackies unironically. Again, I just don’t belong with this crowd. I’m just not even like the other Serbian members of the family because they are so aggressive and nationalistic and all that but there’s no way I could ever be that. I don’t have a passion for the motherland, I don’t enjoy plum brandy moonshine, I don’t speak the language, I haven’t been in protests against NATO and the UN bombing Serbia. Because of my surname, I get called a Serb a lot. Lots of annoying nicknames which I don’t enjoy if I’m honest, even if they are lighthearted. Things like being compared to Vidic (who’ll fucking murder ya) or Slobodan Milosevic, being called a vampire, serial killer, genocidal maniac, squatting slav etc. etc. It’s just not me and it made me feel like I was not really welcomed fully into being a Brit even though I was born in London and lived there my whole life. My accent and my surname prevent me from being seen as British by pretty much everyone. My accent is a totally fucked mixture of various English ones and then Canadian + American too. The North Americans give me strange uncomfortable looks when I try to say I’m one of them because I never really know their culture in detail enough to fully be one despite possessing citizenship. To sum up I don’t feel like I’m any one of my nationalities and I would gladly be seen as any of the 5 except Serbian - the only one I get labelled as thanks to my surname - as it is something I will never truly be.

This kind of leads me on to my fake exterior. I think I’ve been over-compensating with gimmicks and characteristics so I could distract people from who I really am. Things like making jokes about the peculiarities and eccentricities of my Serbian family, wearing cowboy boots/ slavic football kit/ sunglasses to the club, only drinking absolutely terrible novelty factor drinks such as Buckfast wine and WKD or the big one which I can’t help telling new people about: my gollum impression. I do all this random shit because I think it makes me seem exciting and fun to be around but when I run out of them, I realise I’ve made friends who don’t really know about my serious side. When I put away the gimmicks they still expect me to be overly-outgoing and excitable so when they see me in either a normal state or a low-one, they seem to leave me alone to the point that I get very lonely. I don’t feel like I can talk to anybody about any of my problems because I only hang out with these people when I’m being weird. I can’t live my life normally with my uni friends because I don’t live in their flat all together. I don’t get little interactions whilst making breakfast or doing some work. All i get is pre-drinks and clubbing. I do enjoy it when I get people on their own and we have proper conversations. I’m good at one on one chats whilst we do things together which is why my date with that girl a few months ago went so well despite us being diametrically opposed in every aspect of life. I just feel like something’s missing here. This loneliness enhances my desire to find a girl for once. I genuinely feel so sad all the time at the moment. At school I didn’t use gimmicks and an overly-outgoing side - I was only myself and serious around strangers and then friendly among friends. It resulted in me having very few friends and feeling very isolated but now me trying the other way around helped me make lots of friends initially but then has not led to as many deep meaningful connections as I would have liked.

What really doesn’t help any of this shit is the fact that I am a catered uni student. Unfortunately this means I don’t fucking get lunch served to me BUT I ALSO DON’T GET ANY FUCKING KITCHEN APPLIANCES APART FROM A MICROWAVE WITH WHICH I CAN COOK. This means I’m fucking starving most of the time and when I get hungry I get emotional - especially angry or sad. What am I supposed to do? Pot noodle is so unhealthy and I don’t like eating pre-made meals out of a microwave very much. I really miss having the opportunity to make my own food I can’t tell you. I eat so much junk food just because of the lunch situation. Luckily I have a fucking steam engine of a metabolism so I don’t gain weight from it but imagine how healthy I could be if I was able to prepare fresh food. Oh my. So sad.

[junker-town]

What's the best sports game you've ever seen in person?

One of the best feelings when watching a game has to be just sharing that experience with other people. You can watch it with friends, family, or strangers at a bar. But when something special happens, you’re all part of it. And you can do this with just a TV.

But some events are more unique just because you were at the arena or stadium. The game itself doesn’t have to be a championship game or anything. In fact, a random regular or preseason game that you remember vividly could be as important to you than any title. It’s all on how you experienced and remember it.

We asked you what was your favorite sports game you attended in person. These are our picks:

Hawks-Wizards, Game 6 2015

Paul Pierce’s buzzer-beater that wasn’t for the Wizards in 2015 was so freakin’ cool... until it was called off. This was the same series that Pierce “didn’t call bank, he called game.” I’ll never forget hearing my mom scream for like two straight minutes and the entirety of the Verizon Center shook. I wish I could forget having to explain to her that the shot didn’t count though.

- Matt Ellentuck

Heat-Lakers, Christmas Day 2004

For Christmas 2004, I got a pair of tickets for Heat-Lakers. I have no idea how my parents got me those tickets and I have never asked, but I probably should. This was Shaq’s first game back in LA after his beef with Kobe finally imploded and he was sent to the Miami Heat in exchange for Lamar Odom, Caron Butler, and Brian Grant.

My younger brother and I sat in the cheap seats before the game speculating about what would happen right before tip off. Would Shaq and Kobe acknowledge each other (they did, but barely)? Would the Lakers have an emotional video package during player introductions (duh)? Would I buy an overpriced meal from the in-arena McDonald’s (also, duh)?

I don’t remember much from the video but I do think it was mostly a bunch of people in the Lakers organization saying “Thank you Shaq.” There might have been a cute kid or two in there. It was emotional and I felt the crowd at Staples Center feel the same way.

Anyway, at some point in the game I spilled my soda on a person in front of me. He was probably mad that a dumb teenager just ruined a good blue sweater that looked to be his Christmas gift. We both got over it and focused on the game, which was great since the game was close throughout most of it.

It even went to overtime even after Shaq fouled out of the game for fouling Kobe. How perfect is that. Shaq got the admiration from the Lakers and it turned into animosity after that whistle for the sixth foul. Fans at Staples Center got to both love and hate Shaq in the span of four quarters, and I learned that basketball can tell some beautiful stories.

- Hector Diaz

UConn-Pitt, Big East Tournament 2011

Sitting in Madison Square Garden all day waiting for your team to play a rival is one of the best parts of the Big East Tournament. You get all the benefit of March Madness heating up combined with the knowledge that your favorite team might put forth a classic performance.

During the 2011 tournament, in which UConn ended up winning five games in five days to win the whole thing (in the last year it was possible), being in the room to watch the Huskies was electric. But never more so than against Pitt, which was a duel for the entire time. In the last seconds, Kemba Walker broke some ankles and sunk a basket for the win.

Every single UConn fan present went through the roof, especially since it was still the afternoon and everyone had energy to spare when rooting on their team. I only remember spilling my food everywhere, getting water spilled on me as someone in the row behind our group dumped a water bottle everywhere in their excitement, and texting my dad “OH MY GOD KEMBA I CAN’T BREATHE THAT WAS AWESOME!” By the time the celebrations were over nobody in the section had a voice left.

I found out later my dad had actually taped the game and wasn’t watching live, so he then knew Kemba did something show-stopping but didn’t get spoiled on what it was. Sorry dad!

USA-France basketball, 2000 Olympic Games

Olympic basketball doesn’t belong on this list — but this game does, because I witnessed something iconic, and a moment I will never, ever, ever forget. I saw Vince Carter “Dunk of Death” over Frederic Weis in person.

The video thumbnail above is almost the exact angle I had. I was behind the basket, just a few rows up. My mum surprised me with the best seats you could apply for in the Olympic ticket lottery.

The game had really been a disappointment up until this moment. Team USA was already pretty weak if you’re a 15-year-old who was hoping to see Kobe and Shaq make the trip, but all of that washed away when Carter didn’t just put Weis on a poster, he etched the image into stone.

The crowd exploded when this happened. Cheering and screaming was almost endless. It was a cacophony or realization that we’d all just seen something that might never happen again. The clip was replayed over, and over, and over again on the screen in the arena — each time being met with more applause.

One family in front of my friend and I said they were going to “talk to Vince” after the game. I assumed they were fans hoping to meet Carter and get his autograph. They ended up being Gary Payton’s family and extended family.

I can’t tell you much else about that game, but that dunk will be with me forever.

- James Dator

Pacers-Heat, 2013 Eastern Conference Finals Game 4

It was Game 4 of 2013 Eastern Conference Finals matchup between the Pacers and the Heat, with the Heat leading the series 2-1. It was before Lance Stephenson thought he should be an All-Star. It was before Roy Hibbert fell off the earth. It was when Paul George was young enough that Pacers fans felt like we had the entire world ahead of us.

The Pacers won that game 99-92 tieing up the series, and eventually forcing a Game 7. Roy Hibbert had 23 points and 12 rebounds, Lance dropped 20 points in the most Lance way possible, and every starter for the Pacers scored in double figures. But what I will never forget as long as I live is Lance Stephenson’s corner three-pointer at the buzzer at the end of the third quarter, with Dwyane Wade flying past him, and after he hit the shot he just sat on the floor and let the Pacers fans celebrate around him. I thought Bankers Life Fieldhouse was going to explode that night.

The Pacers never won a series against LeBron and the Heat but those games, and especially this one, will always be my favorite.

- Whitney Medworth

Missouri-Nebraska, 1997

I was a freshman at Mizzou in 1997, and the school was just two years removed from getting Tyus Edney’d and seven years removed from getting Fifth Down’d. I saw all the typical “Be prepared for heartbreak” cynicism and defense mechanisms from the upperclassmen around me and brushed it off.

And then, in my fourth home game as a Mizzou student...

When the ball deflected away from Shevin Wiggins, the student section surged to rush the field, assuming victory. My seats were in the 14th row, and at one point I had my foot on the wall at the front of the stands. Attacking from the hill on the north side of the stadium, a dorm mate of mine was the first one to reach the goal posts and climb on. And while trying not to fall over and get trampled, I saw the ref’s hands signal touchdown.

The ending was a nightmare, but ... what a game. Nebraska was incredible, and Mizzou, a four-touchdown underdog, was going toe-to-toe. The touchdown the Tigers scored in the fourth quarter resulted in probably one of the two or three best crowd pops I’ve ever heard. We’ll just say the game was called after 59 minutes and 50 seconds.

- Bill Connelly

Knicks-[someone], roughly 2006

Once I attended a Knicks game at which the halftime show was people throwing frisbees for dogs, who would jump really high to catch them. During one such throw, a dog slipped on a frisbee that had been left on the floor and totally lost its footing. It ended up doing a full, accidental barrel roll in mid air, but STILL caught the frisbee it had been thrown. It was the greatest sports highlight I ever saw in person, thus making whatever shitty Knicks game that was the greatest sporting event I ever saw in person. I also attended Game 2 of the 2000 World Series.

- Seth Rosenthal

49ers-Saints, January 2012

This was the 49ers first playoff game in nine years. Jim Harbaugh took over a team that had gone 6-10, and turned into an embarrassment under Mike Singletary. The team stormed to a 13-3 record and a first round bye. The 49ers were built more on their defense than offense, but they jumped out to a 17-0 lead. The Saints stormed back to take a 24-23 lead. The 49ers recaptured the lead on a designed QB run that saw Alex Smith run 28 yards for the score. The Saints re-took the lead with 1:37 to go, but Alex Smith drove the 49ers down the field and connected with Vernon Davis for the game-winning touchdown with nine seconds to go. Given all the crap Smith went through dating back to 2005, this game felt like a catharsis for him and the fans.

It was particularly great for me because I had a chance to be down right at the goal line when he ran in his touchdown, and then again when Vernon Davis caught his game-winning touchdown. After the Davis touchdown I found myself jumping up and down hugging the 49ers team president on the sideline. It was an amazing day of football.

- David Fucillo

Seahawks-Saints, 2010 NFC wild card game

The Beast Quake game. I can't do it justice in so few words, please read about it here.

- Matt Ufford

Wizards-Celtics, 2016 NBA Playoffs Game 6

The greatest moment in sports I ever witnessed was game 6 in the Wizards vs. Celtics series last year. I covered the game and, as a Wizards fan, it was a heart attack. But at the same time, it was entertaining as hell. There were lead changes galore, but John Wall hit the eventual game winner to force a game 7 in Boston. I graduated from grad school the next morning a few hours after I finished my column on the game.

- Michael Sykes

Here are some of your answers ...

What's the best sports game you've ever seen in person?

— SB Nation (@SBNation) August 1, 2017

Kick Six. This was my view (pic taken with 0:06 left) http://pic.twitter.com/OpzBtTdIgK

— Barrett Sallee (@BarrettSallee) August 2, 2017

2015 AFC Championship - seeing Peyton Manning's final touchdown pass & @Broncos beat the Patriots!!! #PeytonManning #PFM http://pic.twitter.com/nFxuY9QFl6

— Courey (@CoureyPMarshall) August 2, 2017

As a UCF football letterman I'd have to say the '14 Fiesta Bowl. Watched in amazement sitting in that stadium with former teammates. http://pic.twitter.com/TOsg5tfm5t

— Neil Beasley (@NeilBeaz) August 2, 2017

OSU vs um 2016. http://pic.twitter.com/kJ8s0FAJmu

— Green Gold Buckets (@GatorsRaysCavs) August 1, 2017

Game 7 @Timberwolves vs. @SacramentoKings 2004 #NBAPlayoffs a.k.a. The KG game. http://pic.twitter.com/OZuaTh9lwA

— Josh Braaten (@JoshBraaten) August 2, 2017

UNC vs. Michigan State on the USS Carl Vinson in 2011 http://pic.twitter.com/g0oPd9zC2L

— Luke Myer (@LukeMyer1) August 2, 2017