#nonetheless this is long i'm awake it s 2:22 am i rly should sleep soon maybe
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Y’know come to think of it
With how I’ve spent all my life going through literal hell & back...
Being judged over any oc/self insert x canon shit rly is just the least of my worries lmao
#idk the subject abt ppl worryin over bein judged over that came up recently & like.#with what i've been reflecting on throughout all this year & the sheer amount of shit I've endured in my life that's honestly very uh#trigger heavy & stuff well.#I really shouldn't care much abt stuff as trivial as this. i mean ig its easier said than done tho considering well.#abandonment fears + being tired of bein picked apart for literally anything like i have been all my life but like.#I just rly should learn to let go of that even moreso than I already do.#I mean i still do it anyway w the oc/self insert x canon shit & tbh it'd be neat to be able to encourage others or ike#help others do the same too cause ya know I KNOW how it feels to worry abt judgment but like#i'm whole ass someone who willingly & happily does that art for other people bc its fun making people happy & seein them enjoy themselves#with stuff like that if that makes sense?#ig i just worry too much about anything these days but that is definitely also rooted in trauma too#ITS ALL TRAUMA HERE /lh but in all seriousness like. idk for some reason with some oc/self insert x canon stuff I'm very shameless???#but then other stuff its like I get very 'oh no what will they think' so its really weird ig. but honestly its just like. fuck it man.#i've paid enough damages to life itself with how severe my trauma is & how deep it runs to where I'm having to really excavate all that#& finally fully process it & everything#to where frankly i rly shouldn't care anymore in general for any oc/self insert x canon no matter how 'cringe' it is ig.#plus ion like repressing any aspects o myself at all man that shit really ends up breeding resentment after a while for me so like. yeah.#i mean hell i was shameless w self ship stuff w/in the damn js@b fandom even like sdsdjfl. & my stuff generally is to like.#help me cope with a lot cause I really do be goin through it a lot of the time I just ya know keep on the dl abt it#ig i mostly have had these fears flare also bc groups i thought were not going to be judgy abt a recent char i like are??? v judgy??? i#just. & yes its absolutely abt the char i've drawn recently on my art blog sdjklf;ds but. yeah.#nonetheless this is long i'm awake it s 2:22 am i rly should sleep soon maybe#or at least work on things seein as i feel wide awake jflksds#ishtar rambles ;
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