#none of the practice empathy so I just have to listen to them talk crap about me

[fatui-harbingers]

I get so annoyed when I tell people I've been depressed since I was 10 then they act like my mom's death when I was 17 is what it is lmao. Do I gotta tell em I've wanted to die since I was 10 for them to understand??? Probably wouldn't work either bc they like to say I'm unhappy bc I didn't get to socialize with my crappy friends (some of who actually did things that made my depression worse and triggered my first suicidal thoughts) and I'm like???? Our mom didn't actually want to pull us out of school but we begged so she did, bc she listened to us, unlike many parents. Why is it is hard for people to accept people are depressed for no apparent reason?

[agape-l0ve]

hello i am back lol

I think the last few times I wrote out a blog was when jj was deployed.  tumblr was a really helpful tool for me at that time because it allowed me to be completely vulnerable without having to burden anyone else!

I was looking back at my old posts and it’s so interesting to read where I was back then and to see the progression of how much life changes in such short bursts of time! So here’s just an update for my future self -- warning, it’s not very exciting hahaha

So, since jj returned in dec 2018, it’s honestly been great! We saw 2019 and 2020 as a time to catch up on all the lost time we had in the previous years.  No more exercises, training, or trips away, life actually went back to normal - which was weird.  I look back and think about how we’ve only been in this lifestyle since 2016, but so much can happen within a span of 4-5 years.  I’ve finally graduated from CFCC’s OTA program, which was honestly such a blessing because our class was able to complete our requirements before COVID got really bad.  Well, I should say most of our class.  As of right now, I think only one more person is finishing up their FW II, which is crazy because these days, I find myself thinking about how I was just finishing up HH and transitioning into peds outpatient in FW II exactly one year ago.  

I’ll talk a bit about my FW II experiences.. since they were not the greatest lol.

Home health was really interesting.  I was honestly DREADING it because 1, I don’t like spending long amounts of time in the car and 2, I hate being in the car with just one other person - especially someone I don’t feel100% comfortable with. Also, I wasn’t too fond of the idea of going to people’s homes either.  I think this placement really stretched me and pushed me out of my comfort zone in every aspect.  Looking back now, I genuinely enjoyed the experience for what it was! Would I voluntarily do it again? It depends! (which is a step up from a solid no) 

Our area covered the extremely rural areas of our surrounding counties and it definitely served as a huge culture shock.  But everyone was so sweet and grateful for any help they could get and I will always remember some of the most awesome patients I got to meet.  The negative effects of this rotation mostly came from my supervisor.  She was an awful human being, but thankfully, she was at least a good OTR.  However, that being said, I saw ZERO treatments! Even when I tried to tell my professor, NO ONE LISTENED OR BELIEVED ME.  It was extremely frustrating because I had all of these assignments to do and all of them were about mf interventions.  Anyways, my OTR was untimely, rude, unapologetic, and lacked empathy out of her ass.  I was so ready to be done with her and thankfully, she didn’t ruin HH as an option for me - just wasted my time with her.  If someone could win an award for the amount of countless hours they could talk about themselves, it would be her.  9 hours every day, non-stop, talking about herself and how great she is and her bf. omfg JUST GET ME OUT OF THE CAR

FW II was supposed to be really exciting for me.  I was done with HH and moving onto what I cared about the most and what I really felt passionate about.  Helping children in clinic! It was honestly my dream.  It was a multi-disciplinary site with SLP, PT, and OT. Everyone seemed nice and it just so happens that my OTR at this placement was a former Marine and he and I had a lot in common paper.  Boy, was I in for it.  He turned out to be an extremely narcissistic man who thought the world of only himself.  He shit talked EVERYONE behind their backs, but was extremely fake to their face.  Him and the front office administrator would gossip every moment they got, like they were 13 year old bullies.  He suffered from several TBIs when he was enlisted, so it’s safe to say that his temperament issues and memory loss were definitely a result of those.  But the worst part is, he refused to admit it.  He would shit talk the boss, the PR manager, the PTs, the clients, and just about everyone in between.  And he brought 100% of his personal life into this, which I get if we’re co-workers, that’s fine.  But as your student, I don’t need to know about that kind of crap.  On top of that, I was his first FW II student... lol of course I was.  So he knew nothing about how to help me, guide me, or teach me. Instead of looking at the informational packed my professor handed to him, he puts that in the closet the entire 9 weeks I’m with him and proceeds to continuously throw me under the bus when it came to doing my assignments and treating patients.  Mind you, I didn’t get to treat anyone in HH, so this is now my first real opportunity to start treating patients throughout the entirety of my program.  Safe to say, I was nervous.  But I pulled through and did my best and I forced myself to become really confident really quickly.  I was awesome at it and I was honestly very proud of the practitioner I was striving to be.  He did help me from time to time and I’d like to believe there were moments where he was genuine and tried his best to help me.  But none of those times outweigh the flustercluck that was that clinic.  Anyways, I came out pretty salty about the whole thing, but I didn’t let it ruin my passion for helping children, as that is what I aspire to do in the future.  I made strides with kids my OTR wasn’t able to connect with for months.  And instead of encouraging me and allowing me to fulfill my duty as a student, he re-books them with another therapist and anyone in healthcare knows how that detrimental that process is to their progression and tells me that he’s just trying to be nice and share his case-load with other people.  No, you’re purposefully taking them away from me because you can’t stand the thought of someone being better than you at something.  His pride and arrogance will forever taint my experience there and I have no intention of going back - which is a true shame because I absolutely fell in love with the kids and some of the other therapists there.  Oh well, good riddance to both my HH OTR and my peds OTR.

Luckily through it all, COVID was just beginning and it only delayed my graduation process a few weeks.  I was extremely fortunate to be one of the first few in my class to finish up and start studying for my NNCOT exam!

Studying for my exam was a time and a half.  I honestly had -0% confidence in myself to pass this test.  I knew it was coming, I knew I had to eventually take it.. but time just snuck up on me so quickly and before I realized, it was my time.  I studied for about 3 months, graduating in June and taking my exam in Sept.  I took a short break immediately following graduation and then read an entire 3,000 page textbook, took over 300 pages of notes, and took practice tests and listened to podcasts/watched youtube videos.  It was a lot of information but it was honestly so rewarding to think about how much knowledge I’ve truly gained from these past few years.  Fast forward, Sept 23, 2020 was the day I took my test and it was great! A lot less structured of a process than they make it sound and I was able to complete my exam in about 2 hours and passed a few weeks later! I got my license and everything was great!

For whatever reason, during this time, I felt in my heart that it was time to get another dog.  This topic kept coming up un-provoked in EVERY single conversation we had with others and it just felt right.  Being home now, I was able to spend every day with Teddy, rather than taking him to daycare.  Because of the uncertainties of COVID at the time, I didn’t feel comfortable taking him in, nor did I want to drive if I didn’t have to.  Teddy became extremely depressed, always sleeping in the closet or between the toilet and wall, which are places he goes only when he’s hurt or sick.  I would try to play with him and take him out, but he had lost all motivation to do anything.  It hurt my heart that I couldn’t give him what he wanted or what he needed.  So, after a lot of thought and research, Chester came into our lives! Teddy’s breeder had JUST had a litter of puppies (on the same day I took my exam!) and I figured it was a good time to raise another puppy, since I have the time and no outstanding commitments right now.  We picked him up in Nov, right before Thanksgiving and jj’s brother was in town to help us.  It was a looooong day, 5 hours there and 5 hours back.  I think we got home around 2am, but since then, my life has just been on hold while I raise Chester.

Teddy was not happy at first.  I could tell he was confused and upset that another dog was here.  But over time, they have become much closer and share experiences that has helped him become a better brother.  Chester is a lot of work lol but he’s brought so much joy to all of us and I love him so much.  He’s currently 5 months, losing all his baby teeth, and getting into everything and Teddy has been enjoying the company (in moderation lol).

In regards to our life, we were really hoping to PCS back home summer of 2020, but it didn’t happen.  It was pretty disappointing because we’ve been on the east coast the whole time we’ve been active duty.  A lot of our friends moved either back to their hometowns or to the west coast and it felt really unjustified that we were stuck here, but even so, we are making the most of it.  We would have had to move through COVID and we wouldn’t have gotten Chester, so those are definitely some benefits of staying put.  Since we’re here for a bit, we’ve decided to purchase a house! Our friends down the street are selling theirs and we figured it’d be a good financial idea to start allocating our rent into a cheaper mortgage.  It has a double yard and it’s a bit newer than our current rental.  So we are hoping to move around June! I’m excited, it’s kind of a fresh new start without having to be too big of a move for now.  

Mentally, I’ve been fluctuating.  I have a lot of self-inflicted guilt from not working at the moment.  And yes, I agreed to get Chester and it’s a full-time job to watch him and not have to crate him all day.  I want him to enjoy his puppyhood and I want to be here with him as well, so I do cherish these moments that I can have with both him and Teddy.  However, I just feel like it’s the right thing to do or it’s what I’m supposed to do. I graduate and then I work! But being here, it’s just not the path for me.  Besides, I keep reminding myself that there are no job openings in my immediate area right now anyways.  So for now, I’m just spending my days with the pups and working on keeping the house clean, which does bring me a lot of joy.  I need to learn to enjoy life and not worry about what I’m not doing.  To help myself, I signed up for transcription services again, so hopefully that’ll bring in some money and take up some time.  I think it’s the need to feel productive and I haven’t had that in a while.  But with COVID, I’m sure that’s a very popular feeling.  

I think that’s about it for now, that’s what’s been going with me the past few years! I can’t wait to read this in 2 years and hopefully, I won’t be in the same place lol

byee

[dxrksong]

A strange Crossover Chapter 1

SURPRISE!!! We have a crossover between my Blinded!Henry AU and @bornoffireandwisdom‘s Saudade AU. today is the intro.

‘Henry’ and Annette get a strange call, Bendy takes control, and Henry freaks out. ENJOY!

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  In the depths of silly vision studios, not a sound can be heard, unless you count the ink dripping from ceilings and the occasional groan from a searcher. Then there’s the silence breaking protests that ring through out the halls. A fifty-three year old man, covered in ink with a black substance coming out of his eyes is struggling against a 7 foot tall toon, the toon itself has a backwards leg, ink covering its eyes, and mismatched hands.

  “I’m not leaving you bendy!” The elderly man shouted, struggling against the toon.

  ‘YOU NEED TO GET HEALED HENRY, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF, YOU MIGHT HAVE INK POISONING!’ the toon shouted back, pushing henry towards the exit again.

 “Yeah empathis on ‘MIGHT’! We both don’t know if I’ll come back or not!” Henry shouted, not wanting to abandon the toons again. Once was far enough, and he wasn’t willing to do it again.

 ‘Henry PLEASE!’ Bendy was practically begging now, still trying to edge Henry to the door in a desperate attempt to make him leave so he could get help. 30 years ago, there wasn’t much anyone could do but MAYBE in this new age, there was SOME hope that he could be saved.

 “Bendy...” Henry weighed his options. He could leave and get help, but the feeling in his stomach tells him it was a bad idea. Or he could stay and live his last moments with the toons that worried about him so...

no.

if he died on them now, it would be just as worse as abandoning them. At least if he leaves there’s a chance that he’ll come back.. ”ok, fine! But if i don’t come back-”

‘We’ll make sure that we find out what happened to you before we figure out what to do’ Bendy tried to reassure Henry. Only to get a disapproving sigh in return.

“No, I want you to hide as best as you can in the lower levels. Sooner or later people are going to come in, wanting answers that they’ll misunderstand if you or any of the others tell them. They’re not used to toons or living ink. I want you to be careful!” Henry sternly stated, earning a confused whine from Bendy but he agreed nonetheless.

‘Fine! But if you don’t return within three weeks, I’m going to go looking for you!’ Bendy didn’t like Henry staying away for so long, but he had to endure so he could rest.

Henry chuckled and told Bendy it might take longer than that but he’ll do his best to get back as soon as possible. With a satisfied toon behind him Henry reached for the door and turned the knob as soon as he found it.

                                     BUT SOMETHING INTERFERED.  

(WHOO SECOND PAGE XD (HINT: IT WAS ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAA

Meanwhile. Two friends were walking in a park one day, as several cherry blossoms rained in the breeze. It was a beautiful spring day. One of them was a young man with shiny red hair, with unnatural streaks of grey.

The other was a young woman with short, white, blonde hair. They were both laughing together.

“Wait are you serious Henry?!” The girl laughed almost hysterically.

                                                             “Yep, I literally tried to steal my brothers birthday cake once. I got in so much trouble!” Annette continued to laugh and giggle the whole time they walked. Henry always seemed to have a funny story to tell.

He was about to tell her another story when he was abruptly cut off. His phone started to vibrate. He quickly answered it, while Annette watched curiously.

“Yep this is Henry.. W-wait what?! Oh okay I'll be right there!” Annette gave him a concerned look, did something happen to one of his family members?

“Okay Annette, I know you still don't believe me about the whole ‘I can't age anymore and I'm around a hundred years old’ thing, but it turns out that the hospital had someone check in.. with my name.”

“Maybe it's just a coincidence? Henry are you saying that you have a doppelgänger? Because if you are.. I don't mean to be a jerk but, I think you’ve gone nuts.”  

“I don't know! Maybe I am going crazy! Either way I'm checking this out. With or without you.”

“No, no, no! I’m coming. Though if it really is just a coincidence then get ready to hear me say ‘I told you so!’”

Henry hated it when people said that to him, it was one of his biggest pet peeves. Although he did remember saying that to Joey quite a few times. Henry didn't like it when it was directed at him though.

Soon they made it to the hospital.

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The smell of medical supplies and sick people told Henry that he made it to the hospital. He couldn’t recall how or when but the evidence was there. For instance, he was lying down on some sort of bed with a blanket on top of him. The slight pressure on his head told him that it was bandaged up- or at least was taken care of. He slightly became aware of a nearby beeping sound nearby. ‘A heart pacer?’ He thought to himself. ‘Was I really that bad off?’ He let out a soft sigh as he listened for anyone nearby.. a doctor wasn’t too far away, talking to someone… but who?

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“So I heard that there is someone who checked into this hospital, he happened to have the exact same name as me.. do you know where I can find him?”

“Oh alright young man, what is your name?” Henry felt a bit uncomfortable, being unable to age, He has been afraid of certain people discovering the truth. If the press found out, they’ll either call him insane. Or they’ll never leave him alone!

“U-Um.. my name is Henry W-Williams.” The doctor smiled before saying. “Oh yes there is a man who checked in with that name. Come along now if you’d like to see him.”

Annette was extremely confused.. this had to be some kind of misunderstanding. Besides lots of people in the world have the same name! The chances of people having the same exact name, aren't that slim..

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Footsteps were getting louder. Were they heading towards his room? The bad feeling he felt earlier came back and by golly it was like a mallet had hit him. He wanted to get away but CURSE HIS REFLEXES! He froze instantly on the spot when he heard a supposed doctor say “It’s quite concerning really, there was an impossible amount of ink leaking from his eyes. He was barely breathing when the guy who found him rushed in.”

Oh so that’s what happened, also YEAH THEY’RE DEFINITELY COMING FOR HIS ROOM! If only his reflexes didn’t keep him grounded to his bed he could’ve jumped out the window, or hide, or SOMETHING! ‘This seems vaguely familiar somehow.. Oh yeah this exact thing happened the first time I met Bendy, and Boris.. OH CRAP THE TOONS! How long have I been here?!’ The heart monitors beeping sped up a little as he panicked, trying to figure out how much time he had left. Pretty much alerting the nearby doctor and whoever she was talking to.

He heard the doctor gasp and rush in. he smiled weakly and tried to reassure her.

“N-not to worry! I just panicked a little, I didn’t know how long it had been since I’ve been here.. Heh.. heh.” he heard her sigh in relief and he froze a little when two new voices entered the room.

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Henry Williams and Annette Martineau, were surprised to see another young man lying in front of them. Although the thing that truly surprised the pair of friends, was the fact that this young man had black liquid running out of his bandages. They were wrapped around his head, and covering his eyes. Which is where the ink stains were more evident. his hair on the other side was almost completely coated in it.

It was shocking.. to say the least. Henry felt his blood run cold, as he was hit with a sudden and horrifying realization.

‘That’s from the studio.. isn't it?’ He thought in an instant. None of this was making sense.. two Henry’s, same exact first and last name. Both venturing through an ink infested studio. At least he assumed. No where else should have cursed ink.

If it leaked from the man's eyes and through his bandages, then it definitely had to be tied to black magic.

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He felt bad. He had to leave the toons. And now he doesn’t even know what’s going on anymore as his time is running out. He needed to get back to the studio like he promised, before Bendy sends out an army of searchers after him. He just needed to know.

“Excuse me? Can you tell me how long have I been out?” he asked, suddenly aware of his less scratchy voice ‘What the hell happened while I was passed out? Everything suddenly fells.. Off’ at this point he was concerned and worried that he had gotten experimented on by one of Joey’s or Sammy’s leftover circles again. Just how many did they make?

“Not long” the lady doctor replied. “A day or two at most.” Henry couldn’t help but heave a sigh of relief out of his lungs. ‘I still have time then.’

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   A week.    

   It has been an entire week since Henry left. And by golly was Bendy getting more worried by the hour. Everything has had gotten so warped since Henry left. For instance: doppelgangers have been seen throughout the studio, certain hallways have been changed, and worst of all is that they had to split off territory’s in order to avoid the sudden intruders. Everything was just so wrong.

  In the other room Alice, Sammy, Boris, and Norman were gathered around in one of the more hidden and impossible to get into safe houses and were completely freaking out as silently as they could, so they wouldn’t get found out by the doppelgangers that were practically outside their door. They had to change their signals to each other to notify who it was from different whistles to sounds common in the studio so that they wouldn’t get spotted as easily.

  Bendy let out a whistle, mimicking ink dripping from the ceiling before entering the room. Everyone seemed on edge, especially Norman and Alice, who looked like they could burst into crying or screaming at any moment. Boris sighed and looked up, looking just as defeated as the others.

  It hurt Bendy to hear his friends so absolutely done with everything. But not now, they had work to be done. ‘Alright, we knew this would have to happen eventually.’ Bendy started, getting the other’s attention. ‘We’ll have to stand SOME ground between those imposters. So I suggest splitting up to a degree.’ they nodded silently. ‘Sammy I suggest you sneak around within the hollow walls of the music department, since you know the place so well, it’d give an advantage; Boris you stay here, we’ll need a place to hide when we get tired so I want you to stay here for now.’ Boris nodded enthusiastically. ‘Norman, since your floor has been taken over, you can hang with Sammy in the inaccessible and flooded parts of the music department. Alice.’ she lifted her head to look at Bendy. ‘If I can get you to the twin camera room, can you keep an eye on them and alert us if something happens?’

  “There’s a twin camera room?” Alice asked, almost eagerly.

  Bendy smiled ‘why do you think those stray cameras and speakers are littering the halls?’

  Alice squealed in excitement. ‘And I of course will monitor the main floor, we never know when Henry could come right through the front door. And damn it all I wanna make sure I get to him first before those imposters do!’ Bendy clenched his fist, not wanting to lose his creator again. Once was far enough, and he wasn’t willing to do it again. The others agreed.

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  Sammy and Norman were the first to leave. They went through an opening in the wall and disappeared into the studio.

Bendy took Alice’s hand and used one of his ink portals to the twin camera room. Alice immediately took her spot in the chair and turned all the camera’s on.

    Having everyone in their stations, Bendy lept into a cracked pipe on the wall and headed to the main room to wait for Henry, unknowing a certain wolf, with his ears down, had been listening this whole time.

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So that’s the first chapter! i might post chapter 2 soon but we’ll have to wait and see!