#nobody cared that i got abused and that i had a breakdown and started crying

[thedepressedweasel]

I told my evil grandmother that I didn’t want to stay with her this NYE and that I wanted her to go to the restaurant that my DNA contributors got invited to and my sperm donor took it the wrong way and started screaming all sorts of lies to my face about myself and then played TeH VicTin and told everyone who would listen that I was a monster and that I did everything wrong. I forget nothing. I forgive nothing. Not anymore. I really hate him so much that I honestly don’t understand how someone can be this old and still be such a cunt. I refuse to call that piece of shit my “dad”. He’s just a person who has abused and neglected me my whole life since I was born. That’s all he really is.

[sunyandmony]

Just gonna post it cuz yeah... Idk what to do with it...

Word count- 3,379

Subject/plot/idea- Moon comfort fic

Characters- Moon, You/Reader

Inspiration/if any- none

Warnings- self-harm thoughts, death wish, abuse(?), neglect, self-hate

🌹🌺🌷🌸💐 (<--- to the people reading this)

Part 1/?

It may have been an hour, maybe more, but you didn't care anymore.

Your face was burning and covered in tears, your heart was racing and you were sitting in the worst spot possible to have this breakdown; in one of the party rooms in the daycare.

Quiet whimpers and gasps escaped you, unable to hold them back.

The Pizzaplex had closed down hours ago, and everything that made you be here was gone, so why did you feel like this?!

It's unfair that you're the target of everything.

That your life is the way it is and that it's all your fault in the end…

You had hidden in here, and no one noticed.

“Of course they wouldn't… Nobody does, they probably don't even care at all, never did...”

Everything was too hard to understand, and everyone was acting inhumane and awful as if you're the monster.

You didn't even know what to say or believe anymore, you hated yourself so much you wanted to just die already.

You weren't the only child, and your sibling always had the attention.

It was so stupid, and at this point, you couldn't even care anymore.

All your senses activated the moment you ran into this room, crawled under this table, and started sobbing your frustration, trauma, and helplessness to the empty room.

You immediately started sobbing harder as the thoughts started getting more constant and worse.

Death is literally your only option at this point, there's nothing else…

“Stupid, stupid, stupid…”

You muttered under your breath, curling even more into yourself.

It's not fair. Humans are the worst.

Why you of all people??

What had you done to deserve everything…?

It's so stupid, everything is stupid, everything is awful and so shitty.

Always having to be “happy” and pleasing to everyone that sees you, always having to dress how other people want, but not you.

Always being the silent kid and the black sheep of the family…

Everything was so good when you were still a toddler, where did those happy moments go??

…What's wrong with you?

Why can't you just be happy…?

The sobs got louder and louder the more your thoughts ate you alive, you were so done of everything, you just wanted to die, all alone like you deserve, with no one to hold you near…

He thought he was mistaken.

He thought he was hearing things, who would be here so late?

Maybe an intruder, but the sounds were all too familiar.

He detached himself from his acrobatic wire, creeping closer to the party room and listened closely.

Sun was right, there's someone inside.

The door opened once he stepped in front of it, and he entered inside to search, scanning the space for a short few seconds…

Of all people, he didn't expect you.

He thought your parents had picked you up when you left the daycare and told Sun you'd be fine.

You clearly aren't.

He sighed audibly, before crouching down and raising up the tablecloth, finding you curled up in a ball and crying to yourself.

His expression immediately softened, and his security mode turned off as his eyes shifted from red to a beautiful dark void, with the littlest of stars inside.

In one moment you heard the opening of a door, but you couldn't care enough to look up to see who came inside the room, unable to control your sobs and thoughts from pouring out.

But then, in a moment, something, or rather someone, pulled the tablecloth up.

You shook in place, backing off only to see Moon crouched there, looking at you with a…confusing expression for your brain to even process.

He put his hands up, and backed away from you ever so slightly, showing he's not a threat or here to break your boundaries.

“Starlight..?.... May I approach?”

He asked you in his familiar, raspy voice.

You had nothing to lose at this point, so you gave a small and quick nod.

“.. Wanna talk about it, perhaps?...”

It hurt to even hear that question.

No one ever asked you anything about your mood or your health or anything of the like, but it's not like you had anything to add to the empty void of your body.

You shook your head, and even then, he was smiling at you.

The first genuine smile of someone who truly cares for you, a smile that's not forced or a facade…

Possibly one you'll remember for the rest of your pathetic existence.

…That is if you even get to live further than tonight.

With your luck, mental health, and everything else added onto your very being, you doubt it.

Even so, he is the single thing that's keeping you grounded right now, and you'd rather remain on earth for now.

He hummed, accepting your choice as is, willing to wait as long as necessary for you to open up to him even the littlest bit.

He didn't mind if you didn't at all either, he just wanted to be there with you.

And you did as well, only common for a human to want contact and interaction with others.

It's natural, and after a while of hanging out with someone, it's painful to let go of them so easily.

And he of all people understood you the most out of everyone.

“Touch… ?”

He asked in the silence, waiting patiently for you.

He was being too kind to a monster like you, but you couldn't deny you wanted to feel his touch, his tender yet cold at the same time touch…

So you gave another small nod, granting him permission and he engulfed you into a hug, ever so careful and even more softer than usual, as if you're made of porcelain that could be broken at any time with the slightest of touches, but even so, his touch was constant and very much there, making you aware of your surroundings once more, even if just the slightest bit.

You couldn't deny it anymore, you would die for this dude.

The moment that crossed your mind, you hugged him back, your nails digging into his back. He let out a relaxed humm, and you didn't even notice when he somehow got up from under the table with you in his hold, as close to him as possible.

His chest pressed right against your face, cooling off your burning face.

You held onto him like a lifeline, eyes shut tight and breathing hitching before you realized you didn't have to, he wasn't even off the ground, he was walking with you, all the way back to the daycare, on foot.

He knew you wouldn't like him flying midair with you in his hold, and he didn't say a thing about it, a silent understanding in his eyes as he walked inside the daycare with you.

Once in the nap time corner, he set you down in a huge, comfy blanket nest as he sat down next to you on it, his legs hanging on the ground.

He opened his arms, inviting you closer to him.

You didn't even hesitate, immediately laying face first onto his chest as he wrapped his arms around you, keeping you close.

He wasn't forcing you to say anything, he wasn't asking you anything, he stood in the silence and darkness of the closing hours, with you, ignoring his job just to care for you.

You felt selfish and likely that you're an attention seeker just because you're the reason he's not on his patrols…

But when he started rubbing soft, small circles in your back, you immediately blanked out.

You could hear his internal fans from where you lay.

Sure he was about two times your size for some reason, but you couldn't help but feel safe for once.

Not like an animal backed into a corner fighting for survival, like a normal being that's cared for, and at that point, you cracked, crying out onto him as he soothed you, whispering soft promises and truths to you all the while.

He didn't stop you from crying, he soothed your pain and waited for you to empty out your soul, he felt special for even seeing you like this, felt like he's doing something right.

“It will all be alright… It’s gonna be okay…”

After what felt like hours, everything went silent, and the buzzing and screeching in your head had been muffled out, the only sounds being your evened-out breathing and the internal fans keeping Moon cool to the touch, making you lay your head on the side and stare into the distant and empty daycare, your head empty of thoughts and clouded over.

His soothing touch, unlike anything else you've gotten so far in your life, was helping you.

Someone was helping you, not because they had to or are forced to, but because they're willing to waste their time on you.

You were dry already, but if you could cry more, you definitely would be right about now.

“...You're safe now… I'm here…”

He murmured, his hands trailing up and down your back and sides, massaging your nerves and setting you on the edge of your seat.

He wasn't being rough, he wasn't punishing you like he did to the naughty kids, he was treating you like he would an infant, with care, kindness, and took his time to discover you layer by layer, no matter how long it took him to do so.

Truly, a real explorer.

He didn't force anything onto you for that matter, which made you more and more self-aware.

Not that it mattered too much, he would treat you the same no matter what or who you looked like.

Because he'd like you as you are no matter what, and that alone is a fact.

He didn't care what anyone said or did to show you're bad or disgusting or weird, he thought you're beautiful and a person in your own way.

A long while passes and it feels like forever before he asks the bigger questions that you dreaded to answer.

The ones that made you wrong and different than everyone else.

“.. Are you ready to talk about it… ?”

His voice was just as low as before, barely above a whisper.

He was trying to figure it out for you, but it was hard to open up so easily to him.

He isn't human, he isn't a dead person, and he isn't a ghost.

He's just an animatronic working under a crappy, old, and greedy company that owned his very existence unlike you, a human, who had all the free will possible and could just choose to leave everyone behind.

He couldn't do that.

He was forced to be here whether he liked it or not.

A lot of emotions dropped over you more suddenly than you'd wanted them to, and as he sat and leaned against the wall with you in his lap, you looked up to finally meet his gaze properly.

He wasn't looking at you expectantly, not sadly, and not guilty or forced.

An unknown emotion you'll never understand.

He took your silence as a sign to wait, not wanting to disturb your thoughts and before he knew it, you started talking.

To him.

To Moon, the one that always scares everyone, the one that's always hated by the staff.

And he internally promised himself to be here and listen through everything.

“It's just… everything is so hard, everyone is so crappy, everything is shitty. Always to me… I can't take this anymore. I've had enough of all the crap that was said and done to me..”

Sure, he isn’t a therapist, but for you, he will pretend to be one.

He shushed you, in a manner that didn't actually force you to quiet down unless you had something to add on.

And you didn't, so he looked at you and spoke in his quiet voice.

“Well… I'm sure it's not your fault, Starbeam… You're just in the wrong place, With the wrong people… You might think about what you do but… I doubt you're weak, by all means… you're very strong in a lot of ways…”

He chimes in, awaiting your procession of his words and response ever so patiently.

“Just… Why me?... If I'm not supposed to be there… then why was I even born?...”

Another thought poured out from your head as you leaned your back against his chest, being met with the same cold feeling you expected and liked so dearly by now- a comfort to your blurred out brain.

Perhaps a soothing presence…

“...It has never been your fault. Your presence wasn't meant to be acknowledged by them… Not by the right people. Your presence now, though, has been acknowledged by many… in the right way.”

He spoke to you through it all.

“You are meant for… Much greater things.“

Were you truly…?

It was hard to believe it after everything you went through.

But you had no doubt no more around him, his very presence brought you safety that you really wished would last longer…

But as with everything else, nothing does.

“It's just… I can't shut out my thoughts… Everything is so… Loud… annoying…? But alas, I just dread to go on because I don't know what's gonna happen. But I know it'll be bad, as it always is…”

Your voice trailed off, weak and pained.

You hoped you didn't sound weak to him, you had to be strong for at least once in your life.

“I understand what you mean, Starlight… It's not always easy to fall asleep and expect a brighter day… It's not as easy as that in our complicated world…”

He reaffirms, sighing out loud.

“...It's scary to think one day there will be nothing for you to do… About everything for the matter… but that's why I will be here for you… to give you the reassurance and belief that you are right where you belong now…”

He added softly, his hands going through your hair absentmindedly.

“...But I just… Don't feel like I belong. I never did, it's all a lie! If they didn't want me, why did they keep me?! Why?!”

Your anger wasn't aimed at him, but even so, he felt helpless for a moment, and shook it off the next, knowing that you're strong and will indeed go through this and come back stronger than ever before.

“That's because they're bad people… Not deserving of you. Ones that don't understand you. Don't even try to. But I for sure know you're stronger than you let off, stronger than you believe you are. You're holding back the personality that makes you who you are and who you wanna be.”

His words felt like rocks on your back slowly shattering. Maybe he's right…?

“You can let go of the mask, Starlight. You can be yourself with us, because we want to understand and love you for who you truly are. You don't have to please everyone just because they're close to you.“

He gave out his whole word, his hands freezing on your shoulders momentarily.

“But is that really it…? That can't just… That's not as easy as it looks like…! They're the ones that helped me, that brought me into this world… I just… I…”

Every other thing you had to say was stuck in your throat, the poison in your veins clearing out and draining out your excuses to believe your own lies.

“I know that, but it doesn't mean they get to control you, no matter the case. One may save you, but may just as easily backstab you. Even if it's someone as close as that… It's the harsh truth, you don't owe your relatives anything just because they're there.”

He gave it his everything, his head leaned down on top of yours in an inhumane, uncomfortable for most (but not him) position, no weight felt whatsoever when he did so.

If he really meant everything he said so far…

Then it means you're the one that's been feeding yourself poison, firing the need to believe your own lies of the people you thought you loved.

That they loved you back…

Truth is, they never did, and it hit you harder than the poison dripping out of your veins.

You believed your own lies for so long that being hit in the face with what truly is the truth, felt like your own life as a whole was a lie.

It might as well have been at this point.

There was so much to understand for him, but he'll wait for you, for an eternity if he had to.

He will be patient with you, he will love you as much as his limited existence lets him, and above all he'll be there for you by will at both your best and your lowest.

No matter what's happening.

“It hurts that everyone I know has been a lie all along. It hurts that people I know turn their back to me and act like we are strangers. Don't even acknowledge my existence or need of help… They only turn to me when they need help, talk to me only when they're forced or only when they need their stupid FaVoRs”

Your voice held everything against the very people who once loved you and talked to you like you truly existed and mattered at least one bit.

After breaking out of the cage and experiencing your first freedom tonight, you felt like you're turning the world upside down and for once truly addressing the underlying many, many issues you had gathered over the short time span of a life you've had so far.

“Those people are just helpless, unlike you. You're the stronger one, alas they choose to speak to you… They're leeches feeding on you, you have to let go. It won't be easy, but you have to…. They're going to feed off of you unless you do something about it. And I know you can, I know you're able to stand your ground and say ‘no’ for yourself, because I myself have grown that way. To always say ‘yes’, to always be the puppet they wanted me to be... And once I said no, it felt so good. Because I finally broke free, and Sun joined me not long after, because we've had enough. And you likely have too… It's time to let go, Starlight. I'm gonna hold your hand, but you have to say what you need to yourself… Say what you have to say to free yourself from the people that depend on you too much.”

Unlike him, you didn't have the confidence he had.

Even if the simplest of words slipped your mouth, you'd just want to poison yourself more.

Because it didn't feel right. It never did.

“...I know but… I don't wanna disappoint them… They needed my help when they had issues... And still do… Is it really the right thing…?”

There go your doubts once more.

He sighed, as patient and believing in you as ever.

You didn't deserve any of the patience or kindness you're getting, though…

“You don't have to please everyone… Be yourself and throw away everyone you don't need, throw away the people that cause you pain. Don't feel selfish nor bad about it, because you have the right to do it. It's the right thing to do. You need ‘you-time’ as well, not to always be doing someone's work…”

You were either sweating or you somehow were crying again, but you couldn't care much.

You always had the ugliest sobs anyone couldn't possibly even muster.

And that's when he snapped, hugging you close against him.

“We love you as you are, Starlight. You're enough as you are. You don't have to be pleasing to the eye or to people to accomplish your goals, you can be yourself. Be selfish and take care of yourself. If not for your own being, at least for us… Please…”

He had said before you felt yourself pass out cold.

For what reason, you had no idea, but sleep felt nice as of now, so you didn't push against the feeling away this time, because you know…

You are safe.

[ca-suffit]

neilcfreak hasn't been seen in the fandom in a *long* time, so kind of fucking weird and obvious that nalyra gets a bait ask (which she knows is a bait ask) saying it *must* be bullying that caused it and listing every way neil was a good person. where tf has neilcfreak been much in the last year? besides a few months ago when she was trying to cover up for white fandom. nobody cares about u girl, nobody is rly sending these asks about u except ur own friends (or u lol).

anyway who wants neilcfreak's racist receipts :)

last year, ao3 was getting called out for never following up with their promises made in the wake of BLM 2020 to better protect users against racist harassment. neil and a black user commented on the same post, the black user replying to neil's comment u can see above of "if u don't like it make ur own site lol."

this white user (futureevilscientist) then random af pulled the asks out and tagged the black user at the start of the post to talk all this shit AT them fsr?

then later, neil shows up herself.

this is the part u cannot *cannot* say is not racist. neil is directly replying to a reblog of *someone else's main post* and placing full blame for a "call out post" on the *black* user.

she then pulls out her white jewish shit to speak over the main topic, which is racism / antiblackness.

playing oppression olympics can be done by any marginalized group but it usually works the best for white ppl because white ppl get the most sympathy when doing this (u want the most shining example, how often are we talking about white gay oppression in this fandom above racism / antiblackness, which is the *actual theme* of the show...or even gay oppression through a black pov, since u see louis experience that constantly. how much are we told that this show is rly about white gays and nothing else?). ppl assume whiteness is more innocent by default so will pile more on a black user for "being aggressive" towards a *white* jewish user without needing any proof. that's what neil was counting on here. she also then had a bizarre, loud breakdown on her account for extra assurance she'd be seen as "the real victim" (for making a stupidly racist comment in public). ohh yeah weaponize those white tears girl. she then "quit" tumblr for a while and when she came back, as mentioned in the linked post above, she had to again mention "drama" for good measure. "remember how I was bullied off this site u guys :("

white fandom was all over her dramatic distraction posts btw (nalyra commented on them too, so she is v aware this happened). v few people reached out to the black user or cared about the shit they were dealing with.

these white fandom ppl *never* have any receipts of bullying either, they just *say* it happens and flock to give hugs so it looks like lots of support is happening for a real "issue." but it's not real. everything they do is meant to manipulate u. this nalyra ask is still doing that.

when ur told what to think about someone or u can't find evidence of things happening beyond what anyone, even a group of ppl, *tells u* is happening then u need to rly remain suspicious of the reality of it.

these are asks that the black user got after this stuff happened. so now we've created a new issue from nothing and we're not talking about racism or how ur bullying a black user over literally nothing anymore. now it's suddenly all about poor neilcfreak and her white jewish identity and victimhood from a big, bad black fan. she's gotta make this all make her look like the real victim to cover up how embarrassed and stupid she felt for being called out on saying racist shit.

this is why white ppl need to understand these abusive techniques and get on ppl's ass when they pull this, not just leave it up to black and brown ppl to do. white fandom will cry all the white tears possible and claim ur talking over a white jewish person, being antisemitic. it's an attempt to emotionally manipulate u, keep talking (think of how often claims of antisemitism are used to shut down anyone being pro palestine, it's the same shit). this is racism. this is weaponizing an identity to cause harm to a black person cuz u were caught saying racist shit and want to deflect. if neilcfreak wasn't a huge racist she'd have *also* called this out and told ppl to stop doing this on her behalf. that would require her pulling her head out of her ass first tho and not sending these anons herself prbly.

I was looking for a different receipt to end on but found this instead, so let's talk about this too since we're here

here's neil after this shit went down, trying to make anne rice all kinds of marginalized identities so ppl can excuse her abusive shit too. she never said she was queer and she never identified as trans. u can't just label ppl shit because stuff they said sounds "close enough." she did enough harm as a cishet white woman can u all fuck off already with wanting to find more excuses for never wanting anyone to criticize this piece of shit.

good riddance, wretched bitch.

[noras-dc-shenanigans]

Children | Music

The Bats weren’t really music people. Bruce didn’t really care about it, Dick preferred to be the one making the noice, Jason favored quiet for his reading, Tim was just too busy to listen, and Damien… well. League of Assassins: not really the forefront on the ‘hobby’ department.

So when a social worker had shown up with a feral, black haired, sometimes-blue-sometimes-Lazarus-green eyed kid, who was apparently Bruce’s cousin’s son, nobody expected that to change. He was quiet, refused to look anybody in the face, and hid in his room and only came out to eat.

Of course, considering the horrible way all his family and friends had died, and the downright abusive godfather he was removed from two months later after a very public breakdown, nobody blamed him. They had all quickly resolved to leave him alone until he was ready. (Well, mostly all. The others kept their own feral green-eyed kid in line until he got the message.)

That went on for about a week, with the kid, Danny, slowly coming out more and more, a lot like a stray cat. By the second week, he would eat meals with them rather than take his plate back upstairs, to appear magically in the sink sometime afterwords, right before Alfred would load them into the dishwasher.

A few days after the meals, he started answering innocuous questions like ‘what did you do today’ and ‘what’s your opinion on this show?’. Slowly, slowly, Danny learned that they were trustworthy, and started appearing during movies and game nights and on one memorable occasion a month in, joined in on the prank war Steph started, and subsequently won.

(They suspected, based on some of those pranks, that Danny was a meta. Some sort of invisibility and density shifting, from what Barbara found on the cameras afterwords. There was no record of him having been tested for it before, and, well… it wouldn’t be the first time a traumatic event activated someone’s meta-gene.)

So, even with all of that, he was still a pretty quiet kid. Which is why, five weeks after Danny came to live with them, they were all so surprised to hear loud, gothic music blaring out of his room. Like, really loud.

For most of the day. Also for that whole time, never once did Danny leave his room. Not for food, or movie night, or even when Jason intentionally dropped a millipede down Steph’s shirt right outside his door. There was just loud goth music, from 8:00 am until they left for patrol around 9:00 pm.

When they returned a little after 3:00, Alfred informed them that the music had suddenly cut off right at midnight, and Danny had then appeared in the kitchen, eyes red and face swollen in the way that meant a long time crying. He’d grabbed an apple, some granola bars, and at Alfred’s insistence two sandwiches and a large Gatorade before disappearing back into his room.

The next morning, at breakfast, they’d all pretended it didn’t happen. Apparently, the universe decided that the choice of a bunch of detective vigilantes to not invade someone’s privacy was deserving of a reward, because halfway through their meal Danny had set his fork down, taken a deep, slow breath, and said into the hushed room,

“Yesterday was my friend Sam’s birthday. She would’ve been 15. She was super goth, and hated that her parents would dress her up in bright frilly dresses whenever they dragged her along to some gala or rich-person event. Whenever they’d make a comment about me, or my pa-parents, she’d invite me and T- Tucker over and we’d help her pick out the loudest, gothiest music and jud-judge what outfits to buy online by how much her parents would hate them. She- she and Tucker were my only friends since we moved to Amity in first grade. Everyone else thought that because my parents were weird I was too but Tucker was nerdy and Sam was just Sam so we migrated together and stayed and now they’re gone because of me and I—“

He’d gasped, desperately, tears streaming down his face and everybody had moved as the well-trained unit they were, despite all their differences.

20 minutes later, the movie room had been requisitioned for a giant nest of pillows and blankets, and everyone piled in. There was hot cocoa and fresh-baked warm cookies and hugs and confessions. Bruce snuck away just long enough to task Cyborg with looking into the GIW and Amity Park’s ghost problem. Jason discovered that the Pit goes from pissed wolverine to cuddly kitten if he held Danny close. So of course he cuddles right in, just for the Pit, no other reason, ignore the hair petting and the weird purring sound he made.

Eventually, they’ll all have to get up. Some to work, others to work, and others still for various other activities and responsibilities.

But that’s later.

For now, they comfort a grieving kid, and, maybe, plot the downfall of a certain Fruitloop.

[justarandomsimp77]

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO TOPICS INVOLVING ABUSE TRAUMA OR PTSD!!!! You have been warned I guess??? Keep reading if ya want, but I'm not forcing you too.

So it is Easter. A time to eat candy and have a fun time with your close family and friends. Unless you are me. Will you believe me if I said that today I almost had a panic attack because of candy? Probably not right? Well... I did. And why you may ask, well I know nobody is going to care and it's a bad idea to vent onto the Internet but I need someone or at least somewhere to put my problems and this is a last resort. I may just be acting like a moody teenager but I actually feel like this is a problem. So back on topic, why did I almost have a panic attack over some candy? Well, a long time ago back when I was around the age of 7 I had this big dog that I do not remember the name of. And he was my best best friend! It was early in the year and somebody in my family, not saying who, would abuse the hell out of our dog. I mean he would pull the collar to the point our dog would scream choke and cry, he would yell at him anytime he made the most small sound, beat him if he even tried to poop on the floor and so on and so on. But this dog was my favorite and I always slept with him because i thought he would protect me. I was a very skittish and fearful child at night, and knowing that I had such a big strong dog around made me happy! But I don't know what happened but my dog got really really sick one day. And we couldn't afford a vet, so I had to slowly watch day by day as this dog would get more skinny, puke, shut blood, and shake. Even though he was dying the person (not saying who) would still harm him, and I was like 7 what am I gonna do tell him to stop? Anyways it was late at night and I was munching on these rainbow candy strips and the dog looked at me with the biggest puppy eyes known to man. So being an ignorant and unknowing child I have him one. And about ehhh five minutes later he was starting to hurl blood on the carpet profusely and I watched in fear with a pale face. My grandma was sleeping at the time and the other person who abused the dog was outside smoking. So I watched as the dog 'passed out' in his crate with a bloody mouth and all this blood was on the floor. I looked down at the candy in my hands with rivers of tears streaming down my face and the only thing repeating in my mind was 'this is your fault'. I still think it's my fault to this day, and I'm unsure why. But after that day I never ate rainbow candy again, no rainbow cotton candy, no rainbow types of candy. If it looked like a rainbow, I didn't eat it. And today at easter I was doing an Easter basket hunt with my two brothers (they aren't actually my brothers but it's close enough) and I found my basket. I grabbed it and saw the rainbow candy. I ignored it and as soon as I came up to my room I was in tears sobbing and thinking about all the blood I saw and my dead dog and having flashbacks of when he was abused. And my father came into the room and said "why are you crying?" I didn't tell him. I don't like to talk to my father about my problems, he always turns it into a joke or says I'm being overdramatic. And I was being overdramatic, it was my fault and I was being extremely overdramatic. It happened over 6 years ago, I have no right to be crying over it. But my father sat down with me and gave me the 'disappointed' look. In short words he turned my crying into a joke, and left the room after i smiled. Of course I didn't want to smile, but I wanted to be alone. And after I smiled I just went back to crying. did I have a panic attack? Almost. Did I have a mental breakdown? Yes. Absolutely. But yeah that's about all, you don't need to like share or repost I just needed to get that out in some way. I feel a bit better now, but I probably will never feel truly better about what happened. Thank you for taking time out of your day and reading, it really means the world to me.. goodbye, hope to see you again?

[haechanniesunflowers]

Mafia!Ateez reaction to s/o being abused by her family

Warnings: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK domestic abuse, bruises, scars, toxic family behaviour, manipulation, torture, mentions of blood, smoking, murder, death

I'm so sorry if this made you uncomfortable, my dms are always open if you want to talk about anything

Requested by @racheloveyunho

It only gets darker and longer with the next member

Hongjoong

He came home early so you weren't prepared and were wearing a tanktop with shorts

He saw the bruises on your back and thighs

When he asked you about it later that day, you sobbed and told him that your brothers beat you because you insisted on moving in with Hongjoong

Would pretend that it didn't affect him but on the inside he's furious

He himself doesn't like to physically discipline anyone unless it is necessary or they get on his nerves and bring him to that point

How dare they lay a finger on you

He wouldn't change his behaviour with you, he'd be his usual caring self, all the while planning to knock some sense into your brothers

He laid a trap for your brothers to fall right into and met with them personally

He's a reasonable man so he started with talking to them but when they didn't listen and called him slurs he threatened to murder them

They knew Hongjoong was a part of a mafia and didn't want to anger him any further

They promised him that they would treat you better

Seonghwa

You told him you tripped and fell while you were packing your things to move in with him and that's how you got the bruise on your head and a busted lip

He bought it honestly because he's soft for you and couldn't see you like that so his focus was to get you the medical treatment you needed

You were happy with him and spent almost all of your time with him but he didn't want to hold you back form meeting your friends and family

You were ecstatic to meet your friends but not your family

They hurt you after all

So when he had someone drop you off to your family house, you were nervous but still went inside to meet them

What you got was taunts and verbal abuse

When you tried convincing them that Seonghwa was indeed very kind and loving towards you, they hit you so hard, you lost your balance and your back hit the glass corner of the table which you tried holding onto and ended up scratching your upper arm, drawing blood

You were shocked and hurt and ran out of the house

You hailed a taxi and went to your friend's house and told Seonghwa to pick you up from there

When he came home that night, you were already asleep

In the morning he woke up and found you in the kitchen at the brink of tears and you cheek was a little swollen and purplish

He asked you what happened but you said you liked hanging out with your friends yesterday and these were tears of joy and that your swollen cheek was because you ran into a glass wall

He believed you like always and wrapped his arms around you to pull you into an embrace and accidentally put pressure on the bruise on your back from yesterday

You yelped and arched your back

This time he didn't ask you but lifted your shirt to see for himself, despite your protests and was shocked to say the least

He made you feel comfortable enough to tell him that it was your family's doing

He reassured you that everything will be okay and that you could stay with him forever

That night he paid your family a visit after you went to sleep

They never contacted you again

Yunho

Your family was very religious and never really messed with you because Yunho made it very clear how protective he was towards you

Any bitter comment from your family would earn them a death glare from Yunho

He'd stare them down until they got super uncomfortable

Nobody knew what he was capable of, other than the fact that he was involved with a mafia

Your family wanted you to stay away from him but you loved him and he had promised to protect you and shield you from the mafia life

Yunho's girlfriend had no face, no one in the mafia world had ever seen you

One day you were visiting your family to celebrate your sister's birthday

You felt unwelcomed, you own blood was making you feel uncomfortable

When the guests had left and it was time to open the presents, your brother told you to go home

You were embarrassed but tried to reason with him that you guys were family

He started saying hurtful things and called you a slut and accused you of selling yourself to a dirty mafia rat who kills people for a living. He said you are nothing but his whore and he will replace you one day when he is tired of you and then you will have no one to turn to because they didn't consider you family anymore

You got up and went to the home. The home Yunho had made in the middle of a dense forest to hide you and came to see you almost every day

Yunho had decided to complete his work in advance today so he could spend more time with you in the next days, since you said you would be at your family house today

You unlocked the door and went in crying. You were wailing so hard that you laid on the floor in the lobby

You screamed when you felt someone grab you by your arms and made you sit up

Yunho looked at you in shock and worry, you nuzzled your face in the crook of his neck and cried your heart out, not caring if you were being loud and looking like a mess

You didn't need to tell him what had happened because he was aware your family had something to do with this

You woke up in bed the next day, feeling numb but had a severe headache

You looked around the room and saw a shirtless Yunho starting outside the window, you called out to him "Yunho..."

"I don't want to know what they did or said. I'm never ever going to allow you to meet them again. It took everything I had in me to stop from murdering them because I don't want to hurt you, but I can't have anyone else hurting you either"

He turned around and looked furious, you had only once seen him this angry when a spy from another mafia broke into your house and tried to stab you. Yunho had ripped his jaw off of his face with his bare hands in front of you and you fainted from shock from the intensity of the situation

Right now he had the same look on his face and you didn't want to anger him any further

Yeosang

He had never been the one to talk a lot

His calm and collected nature made people underestimate him

Your family used to love Yeosang and were supportive of your relationship with him, they were happy when you moved in with him, but that was before they knew who he was

Only you knew that Yeosang was a cold blooded killer. He was his gang's ace, he was sharp, very intelligent and very manipulative, not to mention he was the second most strongest member and was very good with weapons, his speciality being butterfly knives. He killed people the bad guys and felt no remorse. His gang members often joke that he only feels two emotions, rage when the bad guys cause menace and love towards you.

He got you pregnant and you were now worried but Yeosang had reassured you that no one in this world will ever lay a finger on you as long as he is by your side. He made you feel safe and loved. He didn't trust anyone to help you around the house so he stayed home to help you.

One day your family came over to meet you and ask after you unannounced, you being 7 months pregnant, were home alone

They wanted to see your huge house, you were nervous because you didn't want them to see some rooms but couldn't keep up with them because you got tired from walking

Then the unthinkable happened, they saw everything. They saw Yeosang's training room, his collection of knives and bulletin boards with photos of people, nasty looking people. One board had two sets of photos of the same person, one photo was for Yeosang to know who to attack and the other photo of the same person killed by him. Yeosang never wanted you to see the contents of the room, let alone your family.

They told you to come with them and to leave Yeosang but you tried to tell them that you were more than okay and wanted to stay with him

It all happened too fast, your father grabbed you by your arm, dragged you outside and forced you to sit in the car while your mother pleaded to him to not shove you around like that in this state. They didn't drive home, they were fleeing the city to get as far away from Yeosang as possible

You were screaming, your parents paid no attention to you, they thought you were protesting but actually you were screaming because of the excruciating pain you were experiencing. You were bleeding and your mom had noticed it but they were on a highway and there was no hospital nearby. They couldn't do anything about it so they kept driving out of the city, your father hoping the child would die in your womb because he now hated Yeosang and wouldn't be able to love his child either.

You fainted and after 2 hours of driving, they got to a hospital. No one knew but you were carrying twins, sadly one of them had died in your womb while the other was born healthy. You were now fighting for your life. Your parents were scared for you and afraid of being tracked down by Yeosang.

You and your baby spent a month in the hospital and recovered enough for your parents take you with them

On the other side Yeosang was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He was out looking for you, now scared and confused and in rage. He didn't know who had taken you away and was frustrated and tired but he couldn't let you go. You were the love of his life and the only person in the world who ever loved him.

He got a lead on you and within hours was outside the house where your parents were hiding you.

He broke in the house in the middle of the night and found you crying on the bed with a sleeping child by your side. He instantly became soft at the sight, all the rage he had in him was replaced by love. He softly called to you and you whipped your head up and instantly ran to him.

You begged him not to harm your parents and he couldn't say no. He silently took you and his month old son back home in the dead of the night

San

San was not one person, he had two kinds of personalities, one was a ruthless assassin and the other, a passionate lover. Both personalities had him being manipulative in common

He absolutely hated your family because you were a free spirit and liked taking risks while they were the complete opposites and often tried holding you back but you always loved an adventure and that's how you ended up with Choi San.

You dispised your family the same as they did you. You were so used to the beating that you felt nothing now. Profanities were very common too and you wanted nothing but to slap each and every one of them and run away.

You were head over heals for him the moment he crossed paths with you but you didn't show that to him. He tried manipulating you into getting you to sleep with him but you knew better and brushed him off

He was used to women being on their knees for him so you not doing that was a challenge for him and he was hell bent on getting you to like him

He was going crazy over you and started meeting you at your workplace during his missions, like he had to kill a man in 30 minutes but he just had to see you first

When you weren't giving in to his art of seduction, he tried a different way

He asked you out like a decent human being and you said yes, wow that was easy, right?

No, you made him work hard for your love and affection and he was obsessed with making you happy to feel loved by you and by the time San realized what was going on, it was too late

He was madly in love with you and practically drooling over you

He finally asked you to move in with him and you said yes even though you knew your family would disapprove. You went home and packed your stuff and tried to leave but your family members didn't let you leave and in an effort of saving you from inevitable destruction which was Choi San, they beat you to the point you passed out.

They texted San from your phone, pretending to be you and told him to stay away and leave you alone, that you wanted nothing to do with him.

San was confused and scared when he got that text from you and texted you back to take your time and rethink your decision.

You woke up in your room at some point during the night, unable to open one eye because it had been bruised badly. Your head was bleeding and the blood had dried on your face. You left leg hurt a lot because of you lying in an unnatural position. You didn't have your phone or anything else

You felt empty and all you wanted was to be in San's loving embrace

It was now or never

You escaped from your window and somehow managed to get to San's front door, it was almost morning

You knocked on his door and called for him

He opened the door after some time and took in your form

He was in too much rage but he had to tend to you first

A few weeks later he came home and told you that he made sure your family is now in another city far away from you and won't contact you again

A tear slipped down your face, you were free from their torment

You kissed San and thanked him

He would do anything to make you happy

Mingi

Mingi was the notorious mafia leader who has connections with the government and the dark world

He had money and fame (the good and bad kind) and all that was missing was love and you filled that void

He loved you too much and would never let anyone hurt you

People knew better

So your own family, your own blood hurting you for wanting to live with Mingi didn't sit well with him

He was distracted at work and all he could see was your face, your tear filled eyes, your bruised arm and your distraught state

He wished he had sent someone to get you from your family house sooner so you didn't have to go through the abuse

He wished you never told them about it and just moved in with him

You were in his home, resting in his bed, thinking about what had happened

Did they really didn't see any good in Mingi?

Did they really have to hit you?

Did you do the right thing?

These thoughts flooded your mind and you were just as distracted

Mingi came home in a hurry and told you to come with him

You asked him where you guys are going and he says we're going to get back at them

He took you to your house and barged right in, unannounced

Seeing Mingi in person was overwhelming and your family were scared, pleading to him to let them go

Mingi told them that he was going to kill them for hurting you and there was panic and chaos

You came to stand next to him, squeezed his hand and softly told him that you want to go home

He couldn't say no to you so he warned them that this isn't over and took you home

You talked to Mingi and convinced him to let them go because they were your family after all

He's the one who said that if the loved toy and cared for you, they wouldn't hurt you like this and family doesn't mean you have to tolerate this kind I'd behavior when you're old enough to make decisions for yourself

You kissed him and wondered why couldn't your family see the good in him

Wooyoung

It started off with you slowly telling your folks about what Wooyoung did for a living

You were smart, so you didn't tell them about his business until you moved in with him otherwise they would have disapproved

You didn't mention that he tortured people and killed them without remorse, no, you said that he works with an organization that eliminates evil people which was true in essence

Your family was having none of it

They wanted you as far away from him as possible

You loved him and he loved you but they didn't believe it

They kept you from leaving the house and since Wooyoung was away for some time on a mission he didn't know

It was only when he got home that he found out that you hadn't returned, but he didn't think much of it because you were with your family

You on the other hand were panicking not only because you were being forced to stay away from Wooyoung but also because you just found out that you were pregnant

You had to get back to him no matter what

You refused to eat or talk to your family members, only demanding to meet Wooyoung

When he didn't get any message from you he began to get suspicious

He sent someone disguised as a delivery boy over to your house to check up on you and got word that you were sick and locked in your room

He got up and drove to your house in the middle of the night and broke through the front door. He didn't care who got in his way and pushed and punched whoever protested

He got to your room and demanded that you open it

You did and jumped at him, told him you were pregnant and they were keeping you from going back to him and cried

He took you in his arms and was taking you back with him

Your father threatened to call the police and Wooyoung simply said "say hi to chief inspector Jeon from me" leaving the father shocked

You were happy to be back with your lover and were excited about the baby, the same as Wooyoung

Jongho

Probably the strongest man in the whole mafia world

Everyone feared him

He didn't have to say twice for what he wanted because people had heard how he smashed someone's skull open with his bare fists

He had asked you to move in with him and you happily said yes

But when you told your family about your decision they asked you if you were crazy

You didn't listen to them and started packing

They weren't going to let you go to some barbarian

But you weren't listening so they had to do it the hard way

Deep down you were happy to leave because your family had always been abusive and toxic

When you were asked to leave with your suitcases your father grabbed you by your arm and shoved you against the wall

"you bitch, you really think you can disobey me?"

Your mother held you by your hair and slapped you so hard your nose started bleeding

They beat you severely and you had stopped screaming at this point

You thought you were going to die when they left you like this on the kitchen floor

You don't know what got into you but you got on your feet and ran out the front door where you were stopped by Jongho waiting for you beside his car

He saw you and gently pushed you aside and went straight inside the house

He came out after almost 20 minutes, blood splattered on his face and clothes

You were already in shock from the beating that you didn't question him

He got in the car with you, held your face in his hands and said "don't worry, I called an ambulance for them, they just might be okay"

With that your heart sank but you were too shaken to feel sad for them so you just cried

Jongho took you home

[yan-genshin]

a/n: hello to the fellow twst people who came here from my twst blog welcome to my secondary brainrot

warnings: general yandere themes, non consensual drug use, some spoilers for kaeya’s backstory 

♥︎ kaeya alberich

kaeya is obsessive in an almost paranoid way, which is almost surprising seeing how laid back and relaxed he seems to act most of the times. despite his seemingly sociable attitude, kaeya is similar to his brother diluc in that he doesn’t get close to others because he’s scared to lose them (or scared that being associated with him could bring them harm)

maybe that’s why it comes as a shock to the city to hear that the cavalry captain has gotten together with the mysterious honorary knight- everyone knows kaeya flirts and gets around, but nobody’s ever seen him settle down like that

it’s... almost cute, at first. he’s far from touch starved, but emotionally? kaeya seems to seek their attention and warmth almost selfishly, dragging them around on “missions” that are mostly work he’s supposed to be doing alone to eat up their time, interrupting their own tasks and missions just because he wants to see them

“aw, are you mad at me?” he’s got that playful tilt to his voice, the one he always uses when he’s trying to make things go his way or he’s trying to egg someone on. by now, the outlander isn’t sure which effect he’s trying to have on them; this is the third time kaeya swooped in and interrupted their daily commissions for the adventurer’s guild, putting them behind schedule and messing up their plans for the day. the spot in their bag where they would have put away the cecilias they had meant to gather in the evening but didn’t get the chance to just makes them more upset- but kaeya’s sudden embrace makes them drop that train of thought. “now, now, let’s not get angry... i’m really trying my best here to show you i love you- don’t you love me, too?”

kaeya seems to think the ends justify the means- the path to the best ending isn’t necessarily a pretty one, or so he says. he’s well aware of when he starts to use emotional manipulation to pressure his dear traveler into doing as he wants, he’s entirely aware of how he’s monopolizing their time

after all, the easiest way to get them to be as attached to him as he is to them is to break them down and build them back up as he sees fit. it’s cruel, it’s bad, but kaeya is the type of man who relishes in the looks of fear and doubt in other’s faces, and the type of lover who relishes in gently comforting the traveler as they cry when he’s the one who caused their tears in the first place

most of it is just to make them depend on him. oh, don’t get him wrong- kaeya’s well aware that the traveler can fend off for themselves. he’s seen how they fight, how they seem to move with battle experience that should be born from years and years of training despite their youthful appearance. but that strength is also what gives them freedom- and kaeya is not barbatos, and he doesn’t plan on giving them such thing

“can i go to springvale today...?” kaeya almost smirks. who would have thought the powerful hero of mondstadt- the outlander who swept in, who saved the city from dvalin, who once challenged boreas for training- could be reduced to such a meek creature that felt the need to ask for permission to simply wander outside the city’s walls? to outsiders, it might seem like it was just the traveler ‘settling into the relationship’, but he knew better than that. days of subtle manipulation, of using just the right words to drive them to tears, of comforting them while choosing his words oh-so-carefully were the hard work that was showing off now; a hero slowly being reduced to a docile partner

he doesn’t want to be abandoned. kaeya fears loneliness more than anything else, something he keeps hidden deep inside of him- vague memories of being abandoned on a rainy night, of his adoptive father’s passing haunt him, the ever stubborn feeling of being unwanted despite having so many swooning for him- it’s as if every little piece of the travler’s free spirited soul he chips away is a reassurance, a guarantee to him that they’re his and they’re going to stay

there’s no real limit to what he’ll do. he’s always careful enough to keep them right in his palm; even when the relationship has gone far from just a toxic relationship and fallen off into something worse, it’s as if they’re far too deep do climb out. it’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship, and kaeya is always one step ahead in making sure it’s damn near impossible, presenting himself as the only solace for the traveler

it’s almost an art how he’s the one making their life hell and also the one who comforts them and gives them a sanctuarium to “heal” and “feel loved”. whether it’s him destroying their hopes of seeing all archons, claiming it’s simply impossible, or implying that if their sibling truly were alive, word of them would have probably gotten to mondstadt already, kaeya is always careful enough so that his darling’s anger and grief doesn’t fall quite on him, so that he can be the one to gently comfort them and hold them in his arms

“shh, it’s okay darling, you couldn’t have known anything so terrible would happen.” he holds his lover’s shaking body as they cry into his shoulder, hands rubbing soothing circles into their back. despite this, the look in his face isn’t one of a man consoling his lover, but rather a smug smirk. they heave another sob: oh, they have all the rights in the world to be sad. how tragic that the particular knight who’d become their friend had to pass away so brutally- they’d simply asked him if he could gather some lampgrass for them, an innocent request, and he’d ran into a ruin guard. it’s your fault for asking him to go seemed to be the only thought that ran through their head, and kaeya, despite all his comforting, didn’t seem to downright deny it. after all, they didn’t need to know the poor knight happened to ask kaeya where he could find the lampgrass, they didn’t need to know kaeya just so happened to mark a location on his map where it just so happened he knew a ruini guard lurked nearby. kaeya may be a knight, but he’s never been to righteous- it’s not as if he directly spilled someone’s blood just because they got too close to his lover, right? suppressing a chuckle at the thought, he made sure his voice was still in a comforting tone as he spoke, “next time, just ask me for any favours. no need to go and talk to others and have this tragedy repeat, right?”

it’s almost laughable, really, how much kaeya seems to circle around and pull strings just so he can make everything work the way he wants. realistically, it’d be just so much easier to just chain down the traveler, to just downright get rid of paimon instead of constantly bribing her with food or sending her off with amber to the point where the little fae seems to almost forget about the traveler- but kaeya needs to be loved. he doesn’t need the love to be healthy or to be real, it’s ok if it’s born out of manipulation and dependence. but all he does, he needs it to work into driving the traveler into a dark enough headspace wherein he is the only light in their life

... but that said, he’d rather have the traveler be his and lose their love than lose the traveler’s love and also lose them. ideally, they won’t abandon him because they love him (because he’s broken them, because he destroyed the hero of mondstadt and made them into a docile and codependent pet, because he’s destroyed their world and shown himself as the only alternative) but if needed, he’ll make it so they won’t abandon him because they can’t

after all, kaeya loves the sight of fear in their eyes. if they’re so eager to leave him, then perhaps he’ll just continue to indulge in their tears and their begging- this time wholy embracing the fact he’s the one that caused such things. it’s as easy as sleeping potions mixed in their foods to keep them pliable and docile, as easy as a chain keeping them locked to a basement; a treatment so hellish it makes them crave for the toxic hellhole of a relationship he offered before

“aw, are you uncomfortable? it’s too cold down here, isn’t it? poor thing. should i get you a blanket? do you think you deserve a blanket? if you keep acting good, i might get you one tomorrow.” it’s torture, the way he so gently traces their cheek, the way he looks at them with so much warmth in his eyes despite him being the one who’s got them chained up to a fucking basement. their brain screams at them to jerk away, to not give him the satisfaction of accepting his touch, but they’re cold, and despite being a cryo user, kaeya’s touch is so warm that they almost unconsciously lean into it. he laughs, the noise echoing in the almost empty basement; all that’s down here is a ratty old cot, a makeshift bathroom, and the heavy metal chain attaching them to one of the thick wooden support beams on the wall. cold nights like these almost make them miss being back in kaeya’s room, huddled in with him after he’s fallen asleep- probably after offering some comfort after driving them to a breakdown some hours earlier. but that’s long gone, now replaced with kaeya’s almost sadistic glee in keeping them down here, in seeing how the already broken traveler just shatters into a shell of their former self, how even now when he’s being outwardly antagonistic they’re starting to still try to find comfort in him: truly turned into a weak, docile, dependent little thing. 

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 31

First time reader click here

it's a mental breakdown *off-key kazoo*. One (1) incident of physical abuse from a parent. And Stephen Strange arc begins opening. Kind of angsty, but more of a filler chapter to resolve the parents-suck thing.

A couple of days was all it took for me to get back on my feet... Figuratively speaking. Neither Bruce nor Tony was particularly excited about me being up and about, I was carried to my desired destination point by one or the other on most occasions. Physically, my body grew tired very easily - I took a lot of sporadic naps throughout the day, more often than not falling asleep in someone's arms. Nobody minded, really - even Loki, who wasn't a touchy-feely person by any means, relented and acted as a body pillow for me when we crashed on the common room couch to catch up with the TV show episodes I'd missed.

Tony was very obviously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. During the few hours I had spent being chased by the Cursed Box Demon in my nightmares, all the leads towards the contractor proved to be cold. Natasha was the most irritated of them all - a late-night talk with Clint through the vent above my room revealed that she took it as a personal insult, unprepared for a simple merc to be so good at evading the world's most notorious spy.

Hulk kept taking over Bruce's body - eyes shining fluorescent green - at the times we were together, periodically clutching me to his chest with clumsy but careful movements. I pitied the mercenary should he encounter my gentle scientist - I didn't think Bruce would even attempt to hold back Mean Green. They seemed to have achieved some sort of symbiosis those days, switching between the two personalities in one body almost effortlessly. Circumstances aside, I was very happy that the tension and the persistent internal conflict inside Bruce had almost disappeared.

What made me upset was Strange. The sorcerer was behaving, well, strangely. He began avoiding all of us - his excuses of helping the search for the merc were flimsy, and Wong's long, deep sigh, when asked about the sorcerer's state of mind, spoke volumes. I suspected Stephen was either seething with anger or drowning himself in the sea of guilt; I had a hunch he was similar to Tony in a way that he hid his vulnerability behind an impenetrable wall of malice and sarcasm and dry wit.

Perhaps I was wrong. But the pent up frustration resulting from the conflict between my overactive brain and my uncooperative body had to blow - and my mother was the fire to my already short fuse. Somehow, she got ahold of the information that I was hurt indirectly because of the actions of the Avengers - and she had called the first available phone she found, which meant Pepper Potts got an earful of vitriol regarding Stark Industries, SHIELD, Tony, and everyone else, including my father. Stoic as she was, Pepper took it all with grace, replying politely to my mother until she hung up on the redhead.

Pepper placed an urgent call to Coulson immediately after that, making the already uncomfortable situation spiral into something truly disgraceful. It ended with strict orders for me to return home - not that anyone besides me and Coulson knew about it. I was a legal adult, I could choose to stay in the tower and my mother was told so on numerous occasions... Knowing her, I was well aware she wouldn't be above storming Tony's home with a small army of her lawyer friends.

Inwardly seething, melting with the anger sitting in the pit of my stomach like a sharp piece of ice, I managed to convince Tony to have Happy escort me home at the guise of gathering more necessities. Tony, being Tony, offered me to buy anything and everything I needed, but relented under my puppy-eyed pleading. It was getting harder and harder to lie to any of my men, the weight of it settling unpleasantly bitter on top of my already foul mood.

Happy grumbled in displeasure at being tailed by a nondescript black SUV - I knew SHIELD would have eyes on me 24/7 now, at least until they catch the rogue mercenary - but seemed to be happy at my general state of relative wellness in his own... Happy... way. Five-second side-grin and "Glad you're up and about, Princess," was probably the most I was going to get from the man who's nickname contradicted his personality. In my humble opinion, he should've been called Brick instead. He was built like a shit house, too.

The moment I stepped into the living room, wearing Wanda's spare sweats and Tony's hoodie, I took a slow look around the room and immediately knew this was it. Most of my anger had receded, courtesy of finally being able to get out of the tower and do something, but the ice in my stomach persisted. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes hit me like a wall, news playing on the TV doing very little to dissolve the viscid, tense silence.

"Sit down," My mother instructed me in the tone of voice she used on people in the courtroom - convicts, people who knowingly broke NDAs.

"I don't think so," I replied, refusing to give in to her bullying. I was being absolutely reckless, I knew it, and still it didn't stop me from standing up for my men. Logically speaking, it could have happened to me anyway, Avengers or not. The cursed box came along long before I'd even met Peter Parker or any of his rag-tag superhero friends.

"Fine," She turned around, steely eyes leveled on me. I was but a speck of dirt under her nails - for the first time in my life, I felt terrified of my mother. I knew what she was capable of. "Listen well, daughter of mine. I'm going to only repeat myself once," She started in that deceptively calm tone of hers. "You are to stop mingling with Stark and his... Company. Immediately. I do not want to hear any more of that Parker boy, either. You will not destroy your future and our family's legacy over some fling with a man twice your age. This little game has gone long enough and it's time for you to get back to reality."

The more she spoke, the higher my eyebrows rose. I was supposed to take orders from my own mother now? Something thin, something thin and crackling with electricity within me just snapped - like a live wire. The hairs on my nape stood up, goosebumps appearing all over my skin. "And what if I do not?" I asked, just as quietly.

I was not prepared for her reaction. One second, she was sitting on the couch and the other - my cheek was burning and my mother was standing over me, breathing the stench of alcohol and tobacco right in my face. I saw the whites of her eyes. "Then you are no daughter of mine. I did not raise you to be someone's cumrag and all this play-pretend scientist shit had to have ended in middle school. I hoped you'd grow up but apparently, you insist on being a baby," She was full-on screaming in my face, so rabid she was shaking.

All I could think of was... How wrong she was. How wrong she would be, her sad little world broken when she finds out just exactly how much I'm capable of. Long gone were the days where I timidly questioned my scientific contributions; thanks to my men - the same men she'd hated so much - I knew my value. I knew I could achieve the things that I wanted.

"If that is your choice, you have thirty minutes to get your shit and get lost. I will not have a whore of a daughter living under my roof," I had missed a good part of her rant; most likely, it consisted of nothing but meaningless insults anyway. After she'd finished, she gave me a shove towards the stairs.

It didn't bother me as much as it should, I think. My cheek smarted and somewhere deep inside, I knew that the eerie calm that had settled over me wasn't normal - on the surface, I felt only relief. The things I suspected all along, finally came to light - she didn't even perceive me as a human being, I was no more than a means to her end. A tool. A thing.

The waterworks started when I frantically shoved most of the shit I could fit in my three suitcases. Upset as I was, my scatterbrain did me a favor that time and I gathered most of the important things. Notebooks full of my research - projects that my mother had called a child's game, projects that could be patented in a week, add a tweak or two. With sudden clarity, I realized I needed none of her money. None of her... At all. In short, I was emotionally all over the place and at the end of it... None of it made sense.

I threw the credit cards with her name on them on the coffee table as I hauled out my suitcases, not sparing the bitch a glance. She was equally quiet, boring into my back with those steely eyes of hers. I felt my skin peel under her stare. In my distraught state, hauling and dumping the suitcases in my car was quick work. Detaching the house key and tossing the last things that connected me to her house on the floor at her feet was a spur of the moment decision; my mother was right, to some extent, and I still had childish tendencies. "You had no right to call yourself my mother in the first place. All you were was an egg donor with more money than you could make sense of. Enjoy your hoard, you damned dragon," I seethed, seeing her frozen in place with her arms crossed and chin held high.

Some part of me hoped she would apologize. That naïve, childish part - I knew my mother and I knew myself, and the trait that we shared was stubbornness. I sped out of the estate without ever looking back, driving aimlessly for a while until the honking coming from drivers around me began reaching alarming levels of volume; tears began flowing down my face at some point, all but obscuring my vision. I parked in the nearest place I could find, in front of a Waffle House out of all places.

Crying in a Waffle House parking lot, how pathetic was that. Logically, I knew at least five people had my back: Tony and Bruce, who surprisingly loved me back; Loki, who had become strangely clingy after my declaration - clingy in the best way. Together with Wanda and Peter, they made my heart warm and my eternally racing brain feel calm and safe.

I called my dad, he didn't pick up. I don't know what I expected of the man, but any and all remnants of my respect for him shattered, breaking into tiny little pieces as I helplessly banged my fists against the steering wheel in a fit of desperate rage. One look in the mirror and my already ashen complexion was made worse by red, puffy eyes and the blooming bruise on my cheek where my mother had slapped me. It was the first time she'd laid a hand on me; I wanted to throw up.

I sat in the car until my breathing slowed; completely and utterly clueless as to what to do. I had no home of my own, three suitcases worth of clothes and research that was useless without a lab to run experiments in, my car, and a small trust fund in my name. The recent incident with the curse box had left me mentally drained as it was, now, I could surely say that my head was empty: no thoughts.

And throughout it all, Stephen's avoidance crossed my mind. As if the self-loathing wasn't enough, as if my own blood, the people who were supposed to care for me, rejecting and ignoring me wasn't strong enough of a blow... The sorcerer's avoidance raised more anger within me. I didn't know why but the thought of him made me want to cry and seethe once again.

Logic gone out of the window, I typed in the Sanctum's address into my GPS with shaking fingers, figuring that if he wasn't willing to do the legwork, I will come to him myself and clarify things for all at once. The mixed signals were just a cherry on top of my sky-high problem sundae.

I banged on the door and it flew open immediately, a surprised sorcerer quickly turning concerned and panicky, noticing my general state of appearance. I was still wearing the same clothes and my hair was in disarray, my face looking somewhere between a coke bender and a manic episode.

"You," I stated darkly, taking a deep breath. "You need to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and reject me, so I can move on already. And you," I poked the man in the chest, right above the fancy eye-shaped necklace, "Need to stop it with the mixed signals. Stop wallowing in self-pity. Whatever you are doing, STOP IT," My voice involuntarily raised in pitch from all those emotional rollercoasters I've been on that day. "Get back to being normal. Let me fucking live," I finished my tirade as the man stared at me, frozen and open-mouthed.

"I..." He stammered, eyeing me with concern. "What in the multiverse happened to you? What..?" He was so confused, pulling out his phone the moment I bailed my fists.

"My mother threw me out, my father doesn't give a fuck about me, apparently I'm a cheap whore with delusions of grandeur. You're avoiding me and everybody is waiting for me to blow up," I screeched, all but vibrating in my spot. "This is me blowing up. I want answers!" I demanded.

Strange recoiled from me, frowning and pocketing his phone. A deep sigh left him, the kind that made his whole body sag. He ran a careful hand through his hair before looking away and slowly pulling me against his chest, the door shutting behind me and keeping the cold out. I hadn't even noticed I was freezing; my feet were wet from the NYC winter slush and mud.

Stephen's embrace was warm and tender; I wanted to lean into it and push him away at the same time. I was so messed up, it was embarrassing. There was nothing acceptable about this situation - I felt guilty as soon as his face fell.

"Jesus Christ, baby," He mumbled quietly. "Sounds like you had one hell of a day. Let's go, I'll put on some tea," He rubbed soothing circles on my back, something that confused me - I just had stormed in and dumped a bucket of bile right on top of his head.

"I should go," I mumbled, yet had no real strength to move away from him.

"You're not going anywhere. I suppose I need to explain myself, too," He sighed, and despite his obvious discomfort, picked me up, letting my limbs to wrap around his torso like a monkey. I was careful to keep my weight off his hands, even if the trip to the fireplace room was short. As soon as I was placed onto the couch and my shoes were removed, Cloaky drifted over from a dark corner, urging me to take off my soggy hoodie, and wrapped itself tightly around me.

Turns out, semi-sentient cloaks were quite warm.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95

[morgansdeb]

My thoughts on 13RW Season 4 (SPOILERS)

So I originally wasn’t going to write a review, because if I’m completely honest, I’m still in shock by that finale... but here we go...

Overall, I enjoyed this season a lot more than season 3. This time, we didn’t have Ani’s annoying narration, that weird crap that was Bryce/Ani and that Bryce “redemption” bullshit that the writers shoved down our throats last season, so kudos for that. Too bad the ending fucked everything up.

Now, let’s go character by character:

Jessica: Jessica has always been my favorite character (besides Hannah), so I was really disappointed by her arc this season... if we can call it that. Her reaction to Justin breaking up with her was really immature. I understand that she was hurt, but Justin was right, he wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship and needed to focus on his recovery, so for Jessica to go after the first guy she could find (Diego) to get back at him... it was shitty. Also, what the hell, Jessica? Diego spent the whole season tormenting Clay and defending Tyler’s rapist. Aren’t Clay and Tyler your friends? Why are you sleeping with someone who is messing with people you claim to care about? And please don’t say it’s for “information”, because you clearly liked him, even tho he was an asshole. Once again, the writers made Jessica’s storylines all about boys, first it was Alex and Justin, now it was Justin and Diego. And to give one final “fuck you” to her character, they implied she ended up with Diego. “Ask me in a month”, um, so it’s going to take you a month to get over Justin? Okay, cool.

Clay: I’ve always loved Clay. Always. He’s flawed, he’s stupid, he’s too stubborn... but he cares. I’ll say this tho, he was a complete ASSHOLE towards Justin during that party, and he should have apologized for all those awful things he said, because that shit was NOT okay. I appreciate that he got help, and Dr. Ellman was a fantastic character, but his arc got old real fast. Clay has some fucked up hallucinations, Clay has a breakdown and makes a scene in front of people, Clay claims everything is fine when clearly it’s not. We get it, he thinks he’s Batman and can handle all this shit alone. Well, clearly, he can’t.

Ani: I’ll admit, I actually liked Ani this season. I think it’s because her screentime was reduced (she missed big moments like the camping trip and the shooting drill), and she wasn’t inserting herself in everyone’s business like last season. I appreciate her standing up for her friends against Winston and apologizing to Jessica for sleeping with Bryce, but that NEVER should have happened. It was weird as hell how she kept defending Bryce in s3, insisting he wasn’t a monster (he was a serial rapist who raped your friend, how is that not a monster). Her “explanation” as to why she slept with Bryce was crap. “I was lonely and stupid”, well, aww!! Lots of people are lonely and stupid, but that isn’t an excuse to defend a serial rapist and sleep with him multiple times. And even before she slept with him, she kept hanging out with him, playing poker and laughing like nothing was wrong. Weird as hell. At the end of the day, I still don’t know who Ani is, other than “the girl who liked Bryce and then liked Clay.” I’m 100% grateful that she and Clay broke up, that was never going to work, so I’ll drink to that. It was also annoying how she and Clay took their sweet time to tell the others about Winston. STOP KEEPING SECRETS. I still insist that the writers should have kept Sheri and Ani shouldn’t have existed.

Zach: Seriously, where the hell was Zach’s mom to check on her son? The whole season was basically “oh, look, Zach’s drunk!!” He was a hot mess and all his friends didn’t do shit to help him until the last minute. I know Winston manipulated him, but seriously, telling the enemy that you beat up Bryce?? Not cool, dude. And don’t get me started on that scene where they “implied” he was going to assault that drunk girl. Zach has flaws, sure, but he ISN’T a rapist, and neither is Clay (I’m talking about that weird scene where he hallucinates Bryce encouraging him to assault that girl at the frat house). The writers clearly didn’t give a fuck about Zach. Remember in s2 when he told his mom he had suicidal thoughts?? What happened to that?? I’m glad he came to his senses in the end, but he obviously needed help with his addiction.

Tyler: I felt bad for Tyler because his friends didn’t trust him, but I also sorta get it. He was acting hella shady and I get that the cops told him not to say anything, but... dude, you scared the living hell out of Clay with those guns at the end of s2, how are your friends not going to be suspicious? Like in 13RW fashion, his storyline got dragged for too long, but I think he was right when he called out Clay and Tony about their friendship. I liked his friendship with Estela, that was sweet. But overall Tyler didn’t get that much to do this season. I didn’t like how they made him feel bad about Monty. Monty raped him and belonged in jail, it isn’t Tyler’s fault someone decided to kill him.

Alex: GAY KING. The only character who didn’t annoy me this season (besides Charlie). Bryce and Monty apologists, how are you feeling?? My boy didn’t go to jail like y’all wanted it!! No “justice” for the rapists!! Beautiful, amazing, brilliant. In all seriousness, I wish his crush on Zach had been explained a bit more. I don’t think it came out of nowhere, but it would have been nice to spend more time with it. I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing with Winston, he was a Monty apologist so I didn’t want to see another one of my faves sleeping with a rape apologist, so I’m glad he found out the truth in time. Charlie and Alex were so cute together, I wanted him with Zach, but I can’t bring myself to complain because ALEX GOT A HAPPY ENDING, YAY!! He regretted killing Bryce, but it’s like Zach said “maybe he didn’t deserve to die, but NEITHER DO WE”, and he was right. Alex didn’t deserve to have his whole life ruined over a fucking rapist, so I’m glad he got happiness. I just wish his recovery arc after his suicide attempt had been done better, he’s the only character in the show who is a suicide survivor and they never focused on that. Shame, tbh.

Tony: I don’t have much to say about Tony. He was being hella stubborn about not going to college and staying in town, so I’m glad his dad knocked some sense into him. He got a happy ending and got to see his sister again, so that was nice. Tony always had to deal with so much crap, so I’m happy he ended up happy.

Winston: Now this dude didn’t annoy me as much as I thought he would, but... he was weird. He became obsessed with Monty after meeting him twice, and then obsessed with Alex after dating him for two weeks. What was his reason?? Why did he fall in love so quickly?? I thought we were going to get some backstory to explain his behavior, but we didn’t get shit, except that scene in the first episode with his mom where he seemed like some lonely rich kid. I’m glad he let go of Monty in the end and didn’t ruin Alex’s life, but other than making a bunch of passive-aggressive comments and staring at people, he didn’t do much. The trailer made him seem like some mastermind villain, and in the end... he wasn’t.

Diego: How are you going to spend the whole season calling Clay a psycho/crazy, when you’re out there pulling pranks, beating people up, and defending a rapist?? Check yourself first, Diego. He was so annoying with his “I miss Monty” crap, like how are you going to give a big speech about how great Monty was when Tyler, the guy he raped, was sitting right in front of you??!!  I wish he had faced some consequences for all the shit he did to Clay, like “omg, you brought a knife!!, dude YOU left the knife in there. I’m glad he let things go in the end, but JFC, he was annoying. When Zach told him to suck his dick, I cheered so hard.

Justin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HA. I’m laughing because I don’t wanna start crying again. Are the writers fucking serious?? After EVERYTHING they did with Justin, turning him into a better person, making him Clay’s brother, getting him back together with Jessica, EVERYTHING...and he dies?? And even before his death, they needed to torture him one last time and kill off his mom, have Clay and Jessica treat him like shit, and make him feel like nobody wanted him. Wow, what a brilliant idea. The series finale would have been perfect if they hadn’t killed off Justin. He deserved to graduate and live a long, happy life. I think the writers just wanted to have one final tragedy and controversial storyline, so they did this cruel and unnecessary crap. I’m disgusted, tbh.

Bryce and Monty: I’m so, so happy we got ZERO Bryce flashbacks and ZERO Monty flashbacks. FUCK these two rapists. I didn’t feel sorry for either of them, and I hope future shows do better and the humanizing of rapists stops. We already know rapists are human, they aren’t aliens who come from another planet, but the focus needs to be on the VICTIMS. I know they weren’t going to bring back Katherine Langford and Brandon Larracuente for a 5-second cameo, but hallucination!Justin should have been hanging out with Hannah and Jeff, not Bryce. Bryce wasn’t Justin’s brother, he treated him like shit and raped his girlfriend, and the whole “it’s okay to love people who do bad shit” is bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with hating rapists/abusers and bad people in general (like racists, homophobes, etc). Well, at least the two rapists are dead and can never hurt anyone again.

Say whatever you want about Hannah Baker, but this show suffered a HUGE loss when Katherine walked out of that door during her final scene.

They should have sent Bryce’s ass to jail at the end of s2, and the last two seasons should have been about ALL the character’s recoveries, with everyone getting proper characterization, good storylines, and focus on the friendships and family dynamics. The murder mystery and cover-up stuff ended up being really stupid and pointless. The writers prioritized shock value over proper storytelling, and that’s a shame because the cast is really talented, and the characters had the potential to be better than what they actually were.

Goodbye, 13 Reasons Why. I’ll check out the cast’s future projects, but the writers/producers can GTFO.

[mourntheantagonist]

Please Don’t Jump (it’s Christmas)

tw; suicide attempt(s) and implied/referenced child abuse

read on ao3

“Another year’s over, the snow starts to fall.

Just like you would if you ended it all.”

It’s Christmas time in Hawkins. The Hargrove’s first in the new town. The new home. Billy wasn’t exactly prepared for just how different this year would be. Christmas morning is just him, his father, and Susan. Max lucking out and fucking off to spend the holidays with her Dad in California. While Billy is stuck alone in the house that doesn’t feel like a home. With a Dad that doesn’t feel like a parent. Feels more like a guard. It’s a prison. Six inch deep snow blockade surrounding the house requiring chained up tires if you wanted to go anywhere. Sun blocked by gray clouds. Breath visible against the cold air. It wasn’t California. It wasn’t his home. It was an icy Hell.

Susan tried her best to maintain the usual festivities, but she was clearly upset by not spending the day with her daughter. Believing her ex-husband to be out there corrupting her daughter. Teaching her masculinity and independence. She thinks that’s wrong. It’s bullshit. Billy hopes Max never comes back from California. At least one of them would make it out.

It’s a quiet and boring fucking day to say the least. Past Christmases were spent hopping from house to house. Their blended family resulting in many visitations to random families that you’d only see twice a year around the holidays. Billy only ever liked going to Susan’s brother's house. His son who was just a year older than him actually proving to be pretty fucking cool. Evenings spent out on the back patio smoking a joint, much to each of their respective father’s disappointment.

But that didn’t happen this year. Only being in the shithole for two months they didn’t know anybody. No family nearby. Left to their own devices and Susan’s shitty cooking. It was lonely. The dinner table is quiet. Sounds of cutlery clinking against the nice plates that were reserved for special occasions. His father sitting across from him, waiting patiently for Billy to do something so he could get his fists dirty.

It was lonely.

“But tonight’s not the night.

If only you’d answer my calls.”

Steve was alone. Completely and utterly alone. His house is empty and bare of decoration. The snow outside his house and the music on the radio being the only indication that it was Christmas at all.

He got a letter in the mail. A store-bought Christmas card that looked to have come from the same stack they send to all their colleagues. No additional message. Just signed ‘Mom and Dad’ with two hundred dollars inside.

He felt like just a name on a checklist. Not like he mattered. But maybe he should just be grateful they even remembered. They didn’t even call. The only person to wish Steve a merry Christmas this year was the guy behind the counter at the gas station. He must be having a lonely Christmas too.

Steve holed up in his room, working his way through a case of cheap beer trying to make himself feel warm inside despite the shivering outside temperatures. Numbing the pain and forgetting the fact that his parents won’t answer the phone. He eats a two day old turkey sandwich and calls it his Christmas dinner. No point in making a whole turkey for just himself to eat alone. Even if he knew how to make a turkey.

Last year he spent Christmas with the Wheelers. Years prior spent with Tommy H. and his family. This was the first Christmas Steve spent truly and utterly alone. He didn’t have Tommy or Nancy anymore. He didn’t really have anyone but Dustin, who was off in Chicago for the holidays.

Nancy had Jonathan. Tommy had Carol. Steve had nobody. But who’s surprised?

Nobody would care if he disappeared. Swallowed up by the deep snow.

He was just a name on a checklist.

An afterthought.

Forgotten.

He calls his parents one last time. A glimmer of hope that they’ll pick up.

But all he gets is ringing.

“Please pick up now.”

They got in a fight. If you could even call it that. More so Neil didn’t appreciate Billy’s nonexistent attitude and made it known with an open handed slap to his cheek. The skin breaking upon impact. Neil told him to get out and not come back until morning. His instructions were to ‘find another ungrateful queer to take you in’.

He left without hesitation. Getting into his car underdressed for the weather. Cranking the heat as high as it would go to end the teeth chattering. He just drove. Bumpy along snowy paths. Slower than his preferred speed. He just drove. Nowhere to go.

He turns down an unfamiliar road. It’s dark and there looks to be no sign of life near. Just trees upon trees covered in snow. Maybe he’ll get lost out there. Maybe the car will shut off. He’s heard freezing to death is peaceful.

But the car powers through over rough and tractionless terrain until it stumbles upon headlights in the distance. There’s a clearing up ahead where the car is parked. There’s a figure sitting on the hood. He doesn’t recognize them until he’s parked beside them.

“Harrington?”

“Oh no, another Christmas alone.

I would talk you down,

if you would answer your phone.”

“Not thinking of jumping are you?” Billy asks, it’s only supposed to be a joke.

But Steve doesn’t answer, which is concerning. He’s not answering the question and he’s at the quarry by himself at ten pm. Billy counts three beer cans scattered in the snow below. Steve is crying and staring at the frozen over water that is just a few steps away.

“You know they say it’ll only break bones if you jump in the water from here. You think it’ll work better when it’s frozen over?” He says it so bluntly. Like he expects Billy to cheer him on as he lets himself walk over the edge.

“Shut the fuck up Harrington.”

Steve gives him a determined look before he downs the rest of his beer and tosses the empty can over his shoulder. He doesn’t move his eyes from where they’re staring into Billy’s soul. Tear-stained with frozen lashes. He’s been out here for a while. He doesn’t remove eye contact as he takes a step forward, no longer resting on the hood of his car.

He looks away as he takes the second step. Back towards the cliff in front of him. Just a mere four feet separating him and the drop off.

“This isn’t fucking funny Harrington.”

He takes another step. This stride longer than the first two.

“Please,”

Billy grabs him hard by the shoulder before he can take another step forward.

“Let go of me.” He says it calmly. But he still struggles against Billy’s hold on him. But Billy’s grip is strong on him. His feet are planted deep in the snow. He’s not going anywhere. And neither is Steve.

“Don’t,”

“Let me go!” He cries this time. He’s pleading with Billy in between sobs. “Let me go, let me go, let me go!” He’s sobbing. Hot tears dripping down and melting the snow beneath him. Fighting as hard as he can against Billy’s grip.

Billy pulls him towards him and away from the cliffs edge. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, just allowing basic instinct to take over.

He pulls Steve close. Arms wrapped tightly around him leaving him immobile. Steve is warm against him. In all the chaos Billy hadn’t noticed how cold he had gotten. Steve sobs into his jacket. A combination of snot and tears soaking the denim.

Steve is slamming a free fist into Billy’s chest as hard as he can. Whispering demands to free him. To just leave him alone. Billy squeezes tighter.

After about a minute of struggling against him Steve collapses to the ground bringing Billy down with him, knees buried in the snow.

Billy doesn’t recognize the weight of the situation until that point. He just stopped Steve Harrington from killing himself. He forcefully dragged him away from the literal edge.

“Let’s get you home.”

“Jump.”

Steve is silent the whole ride to his house. He failed at most things, why did he think this would have been any different? To make matters worse it’s fucking Billy Hargrove who manhandled him off the ledge. He definitely didn’t care about Steve. Probably just wanted to be the person to do the deed. Steve would probably let him at this point.

Billy holds him up as they walk in through the front doors of his house. Steve must be borderline hypothermic. His finger tips are still blue and absent of all feeling.

Billy guides him to his room and Steve just lets him do what he wants to him. No more energy to fight back. His last attempt proved unsuccessful.

Billy sits him down on the bed. Neither of them have said a word yet. Billy is shaking as he rummages through Steve’s drawers, unsure if it’s due to him still being freezing or the nerves and adrenaline from what just happened. What the fuck just happened?

He picks out a pair of pajama pants and a tshirt and tosses them to Steve. Wordless instruction to change. Steve however, makes no attempt to move.

“You going to make me dress you?” Billy asks. The first words he’s said to Steve since the breakdown at the quarry.

Steve still doesn’t move. Just stares intently at the floor. Physically and mentally numb.

Billy sighs as he moves toward Steve and begins by pulling his jacket off of him. Steve is cold to the touch. His arms are limp as he removes them from each sleeve. He pulls Steve’s sweater over his head. It crunched as it has been wet and frozen from the snow.

Steve starts to shiver as the article is removed from him and he is left bare chested. Billy grabs the blanket from the foot of the bed and tosses it over his shoulders.

Steve moves for the first time to grip the blanket and wrap it around himself completely. Billy gets onto his knees and unbuttons Steve’s jeans. Both boys try to ignore the awkward tension in the room as Billy’s hands graze too closely to his dick. He lowers the zipper with careful hands and pulls his jeans down his legs by the waist band. Pulling off his shoes without unlacing them before pulling the jeans over his ankles.

Quickly he puts the picked out clothing on Steve. His eyes are still fixated on the pattern of the wooden floor below him. Memorizing each marking in each plank. Avoiding Billy’s gaze as best he can.

He has to be in some kind of dream. Or a nightmare. Because why else would Billy Hargrove be helping him out. So tenderly undressing him and acting so caring. So human. It’s not normal behavior.

Steve is right. It’s not. Billy could see himself just a couple months ago seeing Steve standing on that edge and just driving away. Leaving him be and not giving a shit about his death being on his conscience.

But tonight? It was different. The drive over he had those same thoughts in his head. It would be so much easier if he just died out there. Easier for him and everybody else.

But then he sees it. Sees that same pain inside of him eating at someone else that they’ve too reached that conclusion. And it freaks him out.

Because Billy doesn’t want to die. The thought is nice, but it’s also terrifying. He just needs someone to talk him down from that cliff. So does Steve.

Once the clothes are on Steve lays down on the bed and buries his face into the pillow. Billy just stands there, unsure whether it’s okay just to leave him like that.

“Stay.” It’s muffled under the pillow, but he definitely just asked Billy to stay. “Please.” This time he looks up at Billy with teary eyes. No use in shame now. He moves over, opening up a space on the bed for Billy.

And Billy doesn’t have anywhere to go. And he’s freezing and he’s exhausted and he doesn’t want to find that Steve died because he left.

So he crawls into the bed and lays down beside Steve, who clutches his jacket and pulls him in close to him and starts to sob again. Billy doesn’t know what to do so he just rubs his hands up and down Steve’s back until he eventually cries himself to sleep. Billy doesn’t fall asleep. Too focused on keeping this broken boy safe like it’s his responsibility. And he hates that. That soft feeling he’s letting creep through. The buried feelings rising to the surface he desperately wants to push back down.

When Steve wakes up in the morning, Billy is gone.

There’s a sticky note on the nightstand.

‘Merry Christmas Steve. Don’t kill yourself.’

“Another year’s over, you’re spent on the floor.

You burn all the pictures you hang from your door.”

Billy’s only been out of the hospital for a month once Christmas finally rolls around. Living at home has proven to be a worse Hell than the upside down. His father is constantly on his case about being lazy by laying around all day. Constantly threatening to kick him out on the streets. And that was hardly the worst of it.

Billy being gravely injured did not halt Neil’s abuse. It only aggravated it more. Plus the fear of leaving marks became less worrisome as Billy was not only bed ridden and wouldn’t be seeing anyone, but he was already so scarred up from the Mindflayer that nobody would even bat an eye anyway. His body was free real estate.

He stopped caring about whether or not Max was aware of everything. Billy was no longer a child. Nobody would care even if she told. Neil didn’t bother being quiet, sometimes didn’t bother taking it into another room. Disciplining Billy in his own unique way right before Max’s eyes.

Max would yell at first. Tell him to stop. To stop hurting Billy. But it just made things worse. Eventually she stopped. Stopped yelling at Neil and started yelling at Billy. Telling him he has to get out. That he has to fight back. It was a ridiculous idea.

“Don’t be stupid, Max.” Is all he’d say before locking her out of his room.

Christmas evening is when it all hits the fan.

“You’ve got family and friends,

But you don’t really talk anymore.”

Steve isn’t alone this Christmas. Not necessarily. The Henderson’s invited him over for a Christmas brunch before they headed off to Chicago for the rest of the day. It was nice. She even sent him home with a casserole for him to heat up for dinner. It was probably one of the best Christmases he’s had in a long while, which is really depressing when you think about it hard enough.

Steve can’t stop thinking about last Christmas all day. How he was too close to that cliff and Billy Hargrove had been the one to pull him away. Had been the one to dress and undress him in his number state. Had been the one to lay next to him in his bed while he sobbed into his shirt. Until he fell asleep.

And then they never spoke of it. It got to a point that Steve half convinced himself it was a dream. But it wasn’t. Because a dream couldn’t have conjured that note on his nightstand. The note he ashamedly taped to his mirror as a reminder. A reminder that someone out there cared if he lived or died. Even if that someone was Billy fucking Hargrove.

He never figured out why exactly Billy was put at the quarry that night. He vaguely remembers a cut on his cheek, but not much else. Figures he must have gotten into a fight, it’s Billy after all.

He’s sitting at his dining room table eating up the microwaved casserole and thinking about how Billy is doing this Christmas. The guy nearly died and Max had mentioned one time or another that their home life wasn’t exactly spectacular. Not the place for a speedy recovery.

He’s not expecting his phone to ring this year. His parents never called anyway. That’s why the sound causes him to jump and drop his fork onto the plate below.

He’s not expecting to hear Max’s voice on the other end of the line.

“Steve. It’s Billy. He- he left, and he’s hurt, a-and it’s cold out and he doesn’t have his car… he’ll die out there.”

Steve shushes Max into the phone. He can hear her sniffles over the receiver.

“It’s okay. Relax. I’ll go find him okay? I promise.”

“Don’t bring him home. Take him to yours. Promise me.”

“I promise Max.”

Steve hangs up the phone and drives straight for the quarry.

“Just like last year.”

Steve is there before Billy. Which, albeit, makes sense considering Billy is traveling by foot. But Steve is waiting just a little longer than he’d hoped and starts to get concerned that Billy has died somewhere out in the snow.

The traveling figure in the distance shouldn’t calm his nerves as much as it does. Because he knows exactly why Billy came here. When Billy gets closer to him and he can see him better he gets nervous again.

Billy is covered in fresh bruises and cuts. Bruises and cuts that had to have occurred in the safety of his own home. He remembers that the Hargrove home is not a safe space.

“Oh no, another Christmas alone.

I would talk you down,

if you would answer your phone.”

“What are you doing here pretty boy?”

“I should be asking you the same thing.”

Steve digs his heel into the snow, contemplating.

“Max called my house.”

“How’d you know I’d come here?” Billy asks, curious.

“Wishful thinking.”

Billy steps closer to where Steve is standing. “I’m not going to have to pull you from the ledge again am I?” His voice is deep and slightly pained.

Steve shakes his head.

“Good. Don’t want to be a part of a double suicide. They’ll start to think you’re a fag like me.”

Steve doesn’t know which revelation should shock him more. That Billy is queer or that he’s planning on jumping into the quarry. Steve steps closer to Billy, putting himself in between him and the ledge. This could quickly turn into a murder-suicide of he’s not careful.

“Don’t do that.” Is all Steve says.

“Just leave me alone Harrington. Just making snow angels.”

Steve steps even closer.

“Why should I? You didn’t have the same courtesy for me.”

“That was different.” Billy almost whispers.

“How so?” Steve inches closer, hoping Billy will take a step back. He doesn’t. The two are nearly chest to chest.

“People actually care if you live or die.”

“Max cares. She called me crying. And fuck you. I care too. You fucking saved my life. You expect me to just let you end yours?”

“You hit me with a car.”

“Shut the fuck up Hargrove.”

Billy pushes him away. Hard enough that he steps back, but not hard enough that he goes stumbling over the edge.

“I should have fucking died.”

“Please,”

“Billy stop!” Steve grabs onto Billy like he’d done for him last time. But Billy is so much stronger.

“Billy I promise it’s going to be okay, just don’t do this.” He’s trying to maintain his cool but Billy’s showing no signs of slowing.

“Don’t you dare,”

Steve tackles him to the ground. Showing no remorse for any pain he might’ve caused him because the alternative is worse. Billy’s body is buried in the snow and he’s sobbing beneath the weight of Steve on top of him.

Steve wipes at his tears with his thumb.

“I’m taking you home.”

“No. Please.”

“I’m taking you to my home.”

“Jump.”

Billy is sitting on the couch in Steve’s house wrapped up in the blanket and sipping on hot cocoa. Trying to figure out how he ended up here. Everything that happened at the quarry and before becoming one huge blur brought on by copious amounts of alcohol.

They’re watching a fucking Christmas movie side by side on the couch like nothing even happened. Like they’re friends. Which they’re definitely not.

“Was it your Dad?” Steve asks him when the movie goes to commercial. He’s not afraid of Billy anymore to ask the questions he has.

Billy sees no point in denying it now. He nods his head and takes another big sip of cocoa.

He’s not expecting Steve to take his hand. To rub circles into his palm. Something inside Billy melts at the constant. The warmth receding from his hand into the pit of his stomach.

“And what you said back there, about being… was that true?”

Billy nods again.

“Yeah. I’m a fucking faggot.”

“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t let go of his hand like Billy expects him to. “About your Dad. Not the gay thing. That parts okay.”

“I didn’t ask for your approval.”

“I know. But sometimes it’s nice to have anyway.”

Steve adjusts his hold of Billy’s hand and interlocks their fingers.

“Merry Christmas Billy. Don’t kill yourself.”

“Don’t Jump.”

Note: Hello beautiful person reading this. I know things can feel rough this time of year and I want you to know that you are so incredibly loved. The hardships will pass, even if they feel like they won’t right now. Just keep on breathing because you are so much stronger than you believe you are.

Love, mandi

[thedepressedweasel]

My DNA contributors abused me again today...and then played TeH VicTiN and told everyone who would listen that I was a violent monster and that I did everything wrong. I forget nothing. I forgive nothing. Not anymore. I hate them so much that I honestly don’t understand how you can be this old and still be such a cunt. I refuse to call these monsters my “parents”. They’re just people who have abused, neglected and tortured me my whole life since I was born. That’s all they really are.

[txylorwrjtes]

I’ve got you, sweetheart: Part 3

Pairing: Dean x reader

Warning(s): Mentions of abuse, angst, fluff, reader has brain damage, self hatred, self doubt, Dean has a breakdown

Character(s): Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Mary Winchester, Y/N Y/L/N

Summary: Your mother marries an extremely abusive man, who abuses you to the point you get brain damage. You have a hard time with speech and learning all of the things you already learned before, but you have Dean by your side to help you every step of the way.

Word count: 1,861

Previous part || I’ve got you, sweetheart masterlist

The week for Dean has passed by after continuously taking care of you. He had checked you out of the hospital and brought you back to the bunker. He had carried you into the library, where everyone was spending their time. All of their eyes trailed over towards you as Dean settled you into one of the comfy chairs in the room. Once you were settled, he crouched down in front of you. "Is there anything you want, sweetheart?" He asked you. He had spent a little bit of time each day through out the week in the hospital trying to get you to say words that were simple. You always struggled, but he knew what you were trying to say. "Are you cold?"

All you could do was slowly nod your head yes to answer his question as you shivered. You opened your mouth to speak, "J-.." you were trying to say the word, 'Juice', but you found yourself struggling all over again. "J-.." You tried once again, but failed. You could feel tears pricking at your eyes as you balled your hand into fists again. Your brain still hurt. The words you had learned throughout the years growing up were now jumbled up in your mind, making it harder for you to speak.

Tears streamed down your face and Dean's face fell into a saddened expression as he reached a hand to your face, wiping away the tears with the pad of his thumb before his hand dropped down to hold your own. "Oh, baby.. it's okay." He reassured you. You were doing just fine. But he knew that the frustration of not being able to speak properly was what was making you emotional. Luckily, he knew what you were trying to say. "You want juice?" He asked. You slowly nodded your head yes again. "Okay, I will go get you some juice and a warm blanket. And then I will come back and I will hold you."

You didn't respond to what he said. You just stared past him and to the other side of the library. Dean gave your hand a gentle squeeze before he let go and got onto his feet. He left the library and headed for the kitchen, where he had gotten your favorite kind of juice from the fridge. He then made his way over to one of the cabinets and opened it up, searching through it for the straws.

As he was doing so, he could hear footsteps behind him. He turned his head to see that his mother was standing there, a concerned look on her face. "How are you holding up, honey?" She asked her son, making her way up to him and rubbing his back in a comforting way. "I know this must be hard."

Dean finally got to the package of straws and took one out, plopping it right into the bottle of juice as he let out a sigh. He didn't realize he was crying until he sniffled. "Not too great." He mumbled underneath his breath. He felt as though it was his fault you were in this situation. He wanted to take your pain away, he wanted to take your damaged brain and switch it with his for however long it takes to heal. "I shouldn't have left her there all by herself, mom. I should've stayed. Or I should've just taken her with me to the cops." Dean's jaw tightened as he found himself growing angry with himself. His hand balled up into a fist and he pounded onto the counter. "God, I'm so stupid!"

Dean couldn't help himself. He slammed the cabinet shut. But when it opened back up again from how hard he pushed onto it, he found himself beating at it, heart wrenching sobs wracked through his whole body as his mother pulled him back, into a tight hug. She shushed her son as they both fell to the floor with him in her arms. "You are not stupid!" She told her son. "You did what you thought was right and I know that deep down-.. Y/N would be proud. She's so lucky to have you. This will get better, sweetheart, I promise you."

The sobs that were escaping Dean slowly came to a calming point. He just stared at the cabinets below the counter as tears just rolled down his face. He was tired of spending his nights hating himself over the situation you were now being put through. All that came out of his mouth was one word turned into a question. "When?"

Mary shrugged her shoulders at his question. "I don't know." She admitted. She wanted to give her son a piece of advice that would help himself get through this and hopefully something he can pass on to you when you start to question things. "But everything takes time. And time is what helps people heal."

~~~

After being held himself for a while by his mother, Dean had grabbed a hold of the juice he had gotten for you and made his way back to the library with a blanket he had gotten from the supply closet. He noticed that nobody else was in the library. The lights were off except for the lights in the library. Sam must have gone to bed and Castiel must have gone to the mancave to binge watch whatever show he was watching on Netflix, leaving the both of you alone.

You were still staring towards the other side of the room until you heard footsteps. You slowly turned your head to see Dean walking towards you with the bottle of juice you wanted and the blanket he promised to get. He set the bottle of juice on the small table situated near the chair. He then lifted you from the chair all before sitting himself down with you in his lap.

He placed the blanket on top of the both of you, making sure you were warm enough before he reached over to the juice bottle. He helped you get the straw into your mouth and let you begin drinking until you didn't want it anymore.

When you didn't, he set it back down onto the table, he placed his hand on your side as he reached for a book, grabbing one from the bookcase that was a couple of inches away from the two of you. "I want to read to you." He said as he opened the book to the first page. The cover read 'It ends with us.' He held the book up with his right hand. "To help you with pronouncing your words."

Given the warmth of his hands against your clothed skin, you slowly reached out your hand and clamped it around your boyfriend's right wrist, slowly bringing it down to your lap before bringing it to your right side, the one that was bruised. The warmth of his hand somehow eased your pain of the bruises. He wondered why you did that for a moment, but when he saw the relief on your face, he suddenly knew why. You wanted his hand there.

So he kept it there, slowly moving his hand underneath your shirt so it would come in direct contact with your skin. From there, Dean began to read the book in his hands. He read to her, letting all of the words sink into your mind. And in that moment, he realized that not only did you need him through all of this, he also needed you. He needed to know you were safe and this time, for good.

Dean Winchester knew that everything took time. And he was going to use this time to help you. He was going to be there for you every step of the way.

He gently pressed his head against the side of your own as he read to you. It was soothing for the both of you. It took sometime for you to process the things he was saying, reading off from the book and you couldn't read well anymore, but you could still listen. You closed your eyes as you listened to the words coming off of the page.

You could remember things, and one of those things you could remember was how much you loved reading and writing stories of your own. You could feel your heart breaking at not being able to that anymore. At least, not for a while.

For now, you were just going to have to take time processing the words you hear and take time getting your speech back.

~~

Dean could almost sense that you were getting tired and he had left the book and the now empty bottle of juice to carry you to his bedroom. He would clean everything up in the morning, but as for now, you were both tired.

When he got to his bedroom with you in his arms, he made his way over to the bed and gently laid you onto it. He laid the blanket you had in the library on top of you before walking back to the door and quietly shutting it tight. He kicked off his shoes and removed his jeans, leaving him in his boxers and his t-shirt.

He crawled into the empty space on the bed next to you as you turned around to face him, he covered himself up the blanket.

You both laid there in silence for a few minutes. All up until you slowly reached out to touch the bridge of your boyfriend's nose, slowly running your finger down to the tip of it.

Dean's lips stretched into a smile as he let out a light chuckle. "That's my nose, sweetheart." He told you, reaching his own hand out and running his fingers along your arm. Your finger trailed down to his mouth, where you ran your finger along his lips. "Those are my lips." He said, fluttering his eyes shut as your finger came up to his eye. You ran your finger along his one eyelid. "These are my eyes. And these.." He gently moved your hand to one of his ears, leaving it there for a moment, he held her hand. "These are my ears. And each one of these has a purpose. My nose is to help me breathe and to smell the good things and the bad things. My eyes are to help me see, and they let me see your beautiful face every day. My ears are to listen, to hear. Music, television, your voice. And my lips.." Dean paused for a moment, leaning his neck forward a bit to place a kiss to your cheek. "My lips are to give you kisses and to smile or frown. They help me talk. Because without my lips, every word I try to say would be muffled."

You took your time processing what all he had to say. You could feel tears running down your face again as you scooted closer to the man, nuzzling into him.

Dean wrapped you into his arms, his eyes fluttering shut as he held you. You both found yourselves falling asleep from the silence that filled the room.

~~~

Next part || I’ve got you, sweetheart masterlist

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[erika-youknowtheangel]

Why hello there, it’s been a while huh?

//Hi Tumblr! Do you remember me? I’m still around. I haven’t been caught up on Night Vale recently so I’ve been avoiding spoilers. Sorry for the random really long hiatus! 

The holidays are here, and being that it’s been such a shit year for everyone, I think it’s time to let go of some things in time for the new year. That being said, it’s 1am, and I can’t sleep. I’ve been thinking, and I’ve been doing really well lately, despite... not doing well. Confusing right? Yeah I know lol. 

I just want to document, and especially for those wondering where I went. I can talk about it now and feel okay. I also want to make this more public, in case someone else has gone through it, or currently going through it. 

Thank you to those of you still in my life who have supported me, and those of you who had but we lost touch. I haven’t forgotten about you. Thank you.

TW: Toxic relationship, thoughts of suicide, non-consent (kinda?)

I recently found myself practicing magic- something I never really thought would help me. But here we are! And recently, I did a letting go spell. And honestly, it really helped a lot. And I think I’d like to create a new era of this blog too, to signify that I am moving forward. 

I moved states about 4 years ago now. Things played out pretty ugly for a while. I uprooted my entire life, because I wanted to, but I mainly did for someone who was very special to me. Don’t do that, kids, lol.

Do I regret it? No. I really don’t. Would I do it again if I knew what would play out? I genuinely cannot tell you.

Things were great here, at first. I thought I got everything I’ve ever wanted. Someone who loved me. Friendly faces around me. No more parental scare tactics. A job I really liked. But in return, I gave everything I already had, which wasn’t much to begin with, to this person. 

I am not a perfect person at all. And I do take some of the blame for the times I was super unreasonable. But at least I apologized, and was an open book about how I felt. Unfortunately, they gaslit me and everyone around me, saying that I was super manipulative and abusive. Of course, nobody wants to take the abusers side. So I lost a lot of “friends”. There was a time I did not know what was real. Did I truly say those things? Did I manipulate them in some way? Was I really just not listening? 

 Those who were THERE, know that this wasn’t at all the case. Who wouldn’t chose a side, for there was not ONE person to blame, but the both of us. They helped me so much in my recovery. I am so SO grateful to them, and hope they know that them staying and helping me self-reflect and work on myself means the absolute world to me. My only regret is not letting them in more before then, since I was so caught up in this one person to care about anyone else, myself included. I was naive to think that all of my mental breakdowns happening so often were because I was on my own for the first time with no life skills, but also because of depression. I see now that it was because of a toxic person I let too far into my life. 

I think what hurt me the most, is that I just felt used for the sex. Sex isn’t at all important to me in a relationship. I mainly just want to cuddle. But like, sure whatever. However.... I really don’t want to say I was raped, because it does not feel like the right word for it. I DID say yes. But at the same time, I didn’t exactly want to most of the time. I felt pressured. They talked me into it quite a lot.  It mainly just felt like a chore after a while, and then they would cry and scold me that “my heart wasn’t in it”. And “Did I even like them anymore like that”. Though, that last one stung, because they always wanted me to play a character. Like they didn’t actually like me anymore. It made me view sex in a whole different light. And I’m not going to lie, I still have no idea if it was a good or bad thing. I haven’t really said this part before. But, I can finally acknowledge it without triggering this spiral of thoughts.  

Honestly, ever since they cut me out completely I haven’t had nearly as many mental breakdowns since that first year. I also got a dog, who has helped me SO MUCH through this process. I honestly don’t think I would have made it through the pain of losing myself if it weren’t for her. She reminded me to take care of myself. Feed her, feed myself. Take her potty, take a walk outside. She has been with me for a little over 3 years now. 

This pretty much brings me to how absent I was on this blog mainly. Ever since that relationship, I’ve been learning on how to take care of myself. It’s been a LONG while since I could do the things I loved without thinking of them. I just recently started painting again. I haven’t been drawing as much as I used to. Cosplay basically went out the window. I’m taking back MY OWN character that this person wanted so bad. In fact, I have plans for him I just haven’t gotten to yet. 

For the new year, the past is the past. I’m thankful it wasn’t ever physical. But I am still to this day working through some of the things. I still cannot hear a certain car horn without going into a panic. I will never be able to call someone a certain pet/nickname, and I am trying to reclaim another one I liked. I never got closure. And through working on it myself and seeking therapy and talking about it, I was able to be okay with that. Still sucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do I guess. 

And if this person, just so happens to come across this for whatever reason- I will never. NEVER forgive you for what you put me through. But I also want to thank you for at least showing me who my true friends were and are.  

I’d like to be an ask blog again.  I’d like to have the energy to draw, and cosplay and craft.  I will never stop improving. I can always be better. 

And that’s what I plan to do.

For those of you who have actually read this all the way through, thank you. It’s nice to be heard. It’s nice to have gotten this out in the open. 

My inbox is always open if you need to talk. :) 

[ashintheairlikesnow]

The Birthmother: Dad Fluff

CW: Referenced past noncon - including noncon that occurred underage, frankly discussed past abusive relationship involving minors, referenced past captivity, referenced victim blaming. Frank discussion of difficult circumstances and mindsets surrounding adoption from adoptive parent and birth parent points of view.

Danny speaks with Mina’s birthmother just after her birth. This one’s a heartbreaker, guys - for Danny and for Marie West, Mina’s birthmother. Basically I’ve been tearing up in Starbucks for two hours now and will now inflict it on all of you.

“Can… Can I ask why?” Danny folds himself into the small chair in the hospital room, the plastic pastel padding doing nothing to make it even remotely comfortable to sit in, the pale wood arms and frame nearly the same color as his skin.

He hasn’t slept since they got the call that she was finally in labor, and he can feel an exhaustion headache beginning to throb just behind his eyes - still, he’s gone longer than this without sleeping, and the teenage girl in the hospital bed beside him hasn’t slept, either.

Marie West, fifteen years old and the birthmother of Danny’s daughter, looks down at her hands. She has beautiful fingernails, carefully manicured and painted a perfect even pinkish-cream color that pops against her skin.

“Why what?” She asks, in a low voice.

They’re alone in the room, except for the tiny newborn currently sleeping in the clear plastic rolling ‘crib’ next to Marie’s bed. She’s heavily swaddled in the white blanket with pink and blue stripes that, Danny thinks, it seems like every newborn in America gets as the very first thing they own.

The baby girl is approximately eight and a half hours old, and she has lighter brown skin than her mother, a tiny little mouth that moves in her sleep, and a thick fuzz of black hair that covers her head. She will be Danny’s daughter, if Marie doesn’t change her mind before the grace period is up, and Danny’s heart beats in his throat every time he thinks of that possibility… and he’s not sure whether he wants her to keep to her plan, or if some deep part of him wants to see her decide to keep the little girl, make the best of it, create a life that her child can be a part of.

Some part of him has always been wondering what it would have been like to have his birthmother decide to create a life with him.

“Why us? I mean, um, you don’t… really have to tell me. I just asked Nate and your mom to get coffee and give us a sec because, um, I wondered if… if you wouldn’t… if you couldn’t use a few minutes. I can go, too, if that’s better.”

Danny moves to stand, and stops when he catches Marie shifting around in the bed. She’s wearing a pink hospital gown with little patterned birds on it. It has a slit on each side for feeding the baby, although Marie has told Danny she isn’t going to. I’m sorry, I just can’t, she said to the nurse, who looked at her with perfect compassion and brought in tiny little bottles of premade formula, showing Danny how to give them to the little girl they have yet to name.

He doesn’t want to - not until he knows for sure that Marie won’t decide to take her home, give her a new name, and Danny and Nate will have to start again.

“No, you’re okay, don’t go. I just.” Marie shrugs, inspecting her hands for a few moments longer. Her hair falls in thick black waves around her face. “I, I guess… I just, um, liked you.”

Danny nods, swallowing against a knot in his throat, against the nervousness that makes his fingers clumsy, his hands want to shake. It’s funny, to have lived through what he has but asking a teenager why she wanted to give him a baby is what really scares him, now. “Thanks,” He says after the pause draws just a little too long, belatedly trying to cover it. “I, um, like to think I’m… likable.”

“Yeah.” There’s another pause. In it, the newborn baby girl makes a soft, high-pitched grunting sound, and both of them look to her with automatic instinct. She quiets and settles again on her own. 

Marie sighs, and Danny wonders what she thinks, when the baby makes noise. Does a part of her want to take care of things, to hold the baby as tightly as she can and never let go? Does she just want someone to take the baby away? Is she fighting both feelings, all at once?

“Why… why did you like me?” Danny scoots the chair a little closer, wincing at the awful scraping sound it makes along the nondescript tile floor, but Marie doesn’t seem to notice. She keeps staring down at her hands.

“Because… because. Um. Because I, I just, because you said you were adopted, too, in your profile? File folder. Whatever. What the, the lady gave us to look at, my mom and me… it, like, said you were adopted when you were five.”

“Yep. I was in foster care before that.” Danny shrugs, folding his hands together, elbows on his thighs as he bends over, trying to read her face. He’s good at reading the mood of a room - he had to be, for years being able to read Abraham’s mood had been his only shot at lessening the pain he might be in. “You liked the idea of me being adopted?”

“I liked that you… you can tell her. You understand being adopted. You’re just the only one… you were the only person we looked at who I just thought could, um, like, tell her that it’s… it’s not her fault she was born.” Marie’s voice dropped into a whisper. Danny watched the tears welling up in her eyes, and suddenly he understood, all at once, the other reason he and Nate had been chosen. “It’s not her fault that she was, was fucking born... it’s mine.”

Danny lets the silence draw out between them, and then he reaches out with one rough, scarred hand to take hers. She grips onto him painfully tightly, but he doesn’t flinch - he can take this kind of pain, this is nothing, not when you’ve had your back carved up for hours kneeling in the dirt - and he keeps his eyes carefully on hers.

He doesn’t touch other people very often, but he understands, now, that Marie West doesn’t want to touch other people anymore, either, and for a very similar reason.

“You were r-raped,” He says, softly. It took him so long to say it out loud - for months after it was all over he still referred to what Abraham did as sex, as if it were normal, because Abraham had told him again and again - it was one of his rules - you can’t rape the puppy. He shudders against the memory, pushing it down, because… because this moment, in this hospital room, isn’t about him. “That’s why you liked us. Because.. Because I was, too. You were, um… you were raped. Like me.”

“N-not, like, like you,” Marie says, her voice bubbling and breaking with the tears that she is fighting like hell to hold back. He wants to tell her to cry, to sob her heart out, that he can sit here with her in silence and be someone who understands the need… but he knows just as much that she needs to not cry, that she’s been crying for months without stopping, that she just wants to be able to stop. “He w-wasn’t a stranger, he was, was my… my boyfriend.”

Danny nods, and he moves his other hand to hold onto hers, too, and they sit there in silence while she sniffs back the tears that try to escape, setting her jaw with grim determination as she fights them back inside of herself.

“We dated for, like, six months,” She says softly, almost hoarsely. “Then, one night… and I don’t know, I just, I was scared because he got so mad and I went along with it. And then we, we just kept… I never really, you know, he would get so mad I didn’t want to say no, and-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Danny whispers, with real ferocity. Her eyes go to his, and he looks right in her warm brown eyes, knowing that his own have turned to something like a cold, cold ocean blue. “Listen to me. It doesn’t matter, it took me a long t-time to, um, to understand it, but it doesn’t matter if you can say no. Not saying no isn’t the same as saying yes, Marie, okay?”

She nods, sort of rapidly, her shoulders sagging. She pulls her hands back and Danny lets go quickly, his own skin crawling with touching other people, but he ignores the feeling for now. “Did you learn th-that in therapy?” She asks with a wry smile, watery and unconvincing, but there. “I have to go to therapy now, my mom takes me.”

“I did learn that in therapy. I have… I have a good therapist. She’s about to retire, I just…” He shrugs a little. “I learned a lot from her. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t be able to do this, to have a baby, if I hadn’t gone to her.”

“I don’t want this baby,” Marie whispers, with the air of someone confessing a sin. “I don’t want her. I know she’s, it’s not her fault, and my mom thinks she’s cute, but I don’t… I don’t want his baby. You’re supposed to want babies, when you’re pregnant, but it just felt like this thing kept growing - like I had a monster inside of me - and I didn’t want it because it came from him, and I don’t… I wanted to find someone who would want, um, want her. Because it’s not her fault.” Marie rested one hand over her stomach, lightly rounded but already slowly growing less and less, day by day. “It was… it was mine.”

“It wasn’t,” Danny says, gently but firmly. “It’s not your fault. It’s not hers, sure, but it’s not, um, it’s not yours either. It’s not our fault, what happened to us. Okay?”

She looks over at him - just for a second, before her eyes skip away again. “That’s why I picked you,” She says, her voice evening out again, the tears drying as quickly as they came. Pushed deep within herself, to wait until the next breakdown, the next moment when it was all too much, too soon. “Because you, um, you know. My mom recognized you from when you were in the news, and I looked you up online and realized… she wanted me to pick someone else, kind of? But I, I just… I just thought… th-there’s nobody better for that, that baby than someone who can tell her… someone who can tell her that it’s not her fault, and that someone loves her.” Her lips pressed together, guilty and miserable. “I can’t.”

“I get that. My birthmom couldn’t, either. Thanks for telling me.” He smiles at her, encouragingly, and she manages another smile in his direction before she lays back against the pillows, picking up the remote to turn on the TV. They sit there in silence for a while.

Just when Danny has started to consider going to find Nate and Marie’s mother, she speaks again. “You have to want her, though. It’s not her fault that she was born, and you have to want her because I can’t.”

“I do,” Danny says softly. “I want her so badly, Marie. I have, I have a name picked out and everything. We… we picked our names months ago actually, before anyone chose us. We sat around talking about it for, um, for weeks and weeks… it was funny to, to talk about it and there not actually be a baby… and then we decorated the nursery but, you know, we had to talk about what if you decided to keep her and we just… had this nursery sitting around our house-”

“I won’t change my mind.” Marie shook her head. “Everyone keeps asking. I won’t. I want you to have her. I want you to, to tell her that someone loves her.”

“I will,” Danny says gently. He moves from the chair to sit on the side of the bed, just slightly resting on it with his legs off to the side and feet on the floor. Marie doesn’t look at him right away, but the set of her jaw starts to waver again. “I will, Marie, I promise. I’ll tell her every fucking day how loved and wanted she is. I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t wanted, by my parents. I wasn’t adopted because they wanted me. And I’m not ever going to do that to a kid, okay?”

“Okay.” Marie says it softly, but the strain is in her voice again. “Okay, okay. Okay. Good.”

“If you want to meet her,” Danny says gently, “We would be happy to fly down here again-”

“I won’t.”

“If you ever do. I’m going to leave all our contact info with your mom, and if you want to see her… please, Marie. This is your baby, too-”

She shakes her head rapidly, her hair flying out around her, and Danny realizes her hands are gripped onto each other so tightly she’s pressed ash-pale divots into her brown skin. “She’s not. She’s, she’s his baby.”

“Okay. I won’t push. Just know that the option is there, if you change your mind.”

She nods again, once more, curt, still not looking at him. Danny wonders, to himself, if his own mother was given a conversation like this before the state took him away. If his birthmother, barely a teenager and recovering from surgery, had been told she could see her son if she wanted and said, no, I won’t, he’s not mine.

“I’m sorry,” Danny says gently. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sure you’ve spent… this whole time getting, um, getting pressured about it. I’ll go now.”

Before he can get up, she reaches out to grab him - it’s an all-at-once movement he nearly flinches back from, and a low deep voice in his mind says never flinch or pull away from Abraham in an echo he’s nearly broken but can’t quite shake. She hisses - it has to ache, moving like that so soon after having a baby, he knows it has to hurt to do what she’s done, and to do it knowing she won’t even bring the baby home afterwards.

“Please tell her I’m sorry,” Marie says, and her voice is choked as she pulls Danny down into a hug. He doesn’t pull back, his skin crawls but he holds onto her tightly, sliding his long arms around behind her thin hospital gown, pulling her as close to him as he can. Her head falls against his shoulder and she starts to sob, muffled sounds into his sweater - even in Texas, Danny is always cold and thinks maybe he’ll never not be cold again.

He holds her while she cries, and he doesn’t say anything, but he can feel in her that she doesn’t want him to speak. She just wants there to be someone to cry with, someone who has been there, someone who knows.

“J-Just tell her I’m, I’m so sorry, I c-couldn’t, pl-please tell her I couldn’t-”

“I will,” Danny says gently, rocking back and forth a little. What Nate does for him when he cries, when he is overwhelmed by the lost time and the horror that happened, the things he saw and felt and experienced weighing him down. The way Nate rocks with him when his back hurts so badly he can’t move, when his ribs ache with every breath. “I’ll tell her every day she is loved, and wanted, and that you were so fucking strong for her.”

“St-strong would be t-t-taking her home,” Marie says, in a voice like a guilty whimper.

Danny tightens his arms around her. “No,” He says softly, but firmly. “Strong is making the choice you have to make, to keep going, for the both of you. Strong is doing what you have to do to stay alive, to survive.” He is talking to Marie West, a fifteen-year-old girl in Texas who is giving him a baby… but he’s talking to a thirteen-year-old girl thirty years ago, too, a little girl who maybe turned her face away from the tiny premature redheaded newborn they showed her and said I can’t, I can’t, I don’t want to.

He is talking, as well, to a twenty-two year old man crying as he begs for mercy that isn’t coming, that Abraham Denner never had it in him to give.

“You’re strong,” He says out loud, to her and to his birthmother and to himself. To everyone like them, to everyone who had to make the hard choices they’ve made to keep moving when it would have been easier, maybe, to give up. “You have to survive for yourself, too. I’m so, so grateful you’re doing this, but I’m so sorry this happened to you. When I tell her about you, I’m going to tell her that you had to be so fucking strong when you shouldn’t have had to be strong, I’m going to tell her that you did what you had to do to give her the family you wanted for her, I’m going to tell her that she is the most loved and wanted little girl in the world. I know you don’t want to keep her, and you think that means you don’t love her-”

“I don’t, I don’t want her, I don’t want her and I’m supposed to want my baby,” Marie half-wails, fingers twisted into the fabric of his sweater, holding tightly. “But I don’t, I don’t, and I’m supposed to and I don’t…”

He hears shuffling steps outside, low voices, one of them Nate’s. He glances up to see Marie’s mother in the doorway, a hand over her mouth, Nate’s hand over her arm to keep her from moving inside.

“Sssshhhh, it’s okay. You’re okay. You don’t have to, okay? Wanting a baby isn’t a switch that turns on, not like this.” He thinks he should kiss the top of her head, some kind of parental something, but he can’t. His skin half-burns with what it feels like to be touched without it being his idea, but he forces back the sick flip of his stomach, the sense that his control over himself is being undone, and he focuses instead on the simple fact that Marie West is hurting, and he can help her. “It’s okay. We’re going to take her home, and Nate wants to be Dad, we already decided - and I’ll be Daddy. And if you ever, ever want to see her, Marie, you’re still Mommy. Okay? And if you don’t want to be ever, that’s okay, too, it’s your choice. You decide who you are, not that guy who hurt you, not your mom or your dad, not us. You decide. You get to decide who you are, after all of this, after you survive.”

Marie nods against him, sniffling, and her sobs start to fade, to come back under control. “Oh my god,” She mutters without raising her head. “Oh my god, the fucking hormones or something, I’m so sorry, I’m crying with a fucking stranger, I’m so sorry, I just-”

“No problem.” He pats at her back, then rubs in a soothing circle. “If you want to call and talk to me about… about the thing with that guy, I’d be happy to. Whatever you need, Marie. We’re here, and we, um, we know… we know a little bit about it. Not, not the way it happened to you, but-”

“Do you ever stop feeling like it’s your fault it happened?” Marie asks, in a whisper.

Danny hopes her mother can’t hear it.

He leans down to whisper back, curled around her. “It took a while. But sometimes… sometimes I go whole weeks where I remember, the whole time, that it wasn’t. And you’ll get that, too. Okay? You’ll get there. It takes a while, and it takes therapy and I take some pills, too, but… but you’ll get there. One day you’ll wake up, and you’ll get halfway through the day and realize you haven’t thought about him at all.”

“Y-you… you promise?”

“I promise.” He holds her for another few seconds, glancing up at her mother with a slight smile. Nate raises his eyebrows in question, and Danny holds up one finger - just a second. “I promise, Marie. I absolutely swear it.”

She nods again, and slowly pulls back, wiping at her eyes almost frantically. He notices, for the first time, pretty gold stud earrings in her ears, and a small gold hoop up in the shell of her ear on one side. “Um. Can I… can I ask you something? I mean, that’s ridiculous when I just cried on you, b-but… can I… ask something?”

Danny steels himself - people are always asking can I ask you something? And the questions get worse and more invasive each time, wondering did he ever do anything that felt good and do you miss him and what was it like to have someone break your arm on purpose or his personal current absolute least-favorite, do you ever think about how if you hadn’t gone over to your friend’s house, none of it would have happened? Do you think maybe you could have done something different to make it end faster?

“Yeah,” He says softly, when he’s ready. “Go ahead.”

She licks at her lips - dry and cracked, a little chapped - and then asks, hesitantly, “What’s the name?”

“What?” He blinks, thrown totally off-guard.

“Y-you said you guys already talked about names… what, um, what name did you pick for her? For your baby.” She subtly emphasizes the your - more for herself than for him, Danny thinks. Her eyes slip over to the infant, still sleeping peacefully in her crib, making the occasional low contented grunt.

“Oh.” Danny feels relief like a wave, nearly knocking him off the hospital bed. “Oh. Yeah, sure, I’ll… sure. We want to call her Mina Nicole. After, um, after a book I like… a character in a book I like. And Nicole was Nate’s mom’s name.”

“Which name does she get? Yours or his?”

“His,” Danny says firmly. “I don’t care about my name. My brother can give it to his kids.”

“Oh, shit. Hit on a sore spot,” Marie says softly, and laughs - her laugh is low and soft, and absolutely beautiful. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s… it’s okay. Mina Nicole Vandrum.”

She repeats the name, in a soft wondering voice, then looks back at the baby. “She looks like a Mina Vandrum, I think. It’s, I like… I like the name you picked. Um. You’ll be a good dad, I think, Mr. Michaelson-”

“Danny. Just… just Danny, please.”

“Okay. Danny. Thanks for… for all that.” She waved her hand vaguely, and then settled back against the pillows. Just as she settled in, her mother sweeps into the room, making plenty of noise to seem like she’d only just walked up rather than been watching in the door.

“Marie! Brought you your coffee. I figure you don’t need decaf if you’re not going to be breastfeeding, anyway.”

“Mom, you never let me have coffee,” Marie says, surprised, as she takes the cup from her mother’s hands. “Thanks. What’s… why-”

“You’re doing a real grown-up thing, and you’ve had a real shit few grownup months,” Marie’s mother says gently, reaching out to tuck a bit of her daughter’s hair behind her ear. “I’m not going to begrudge you a cup of damn coffee, babygirl.”

Marie’s eyes well up again, but she nods, swallowing back her tears. “Th-thanks, Mom.”

There is a moment where mother and daughter look at each other, and Danny sees the child in the teenager, desperate for the first voice she ever heard to still be there to stand between her and the monsters in the world - and in her mother, tired and maybe just as scared by all of this as Marie, the woman who, fifteen years earlier, had had her own baby to bring home.

A woman who, when she cradled the newborn Marie, could never have imagined having to be this kind of strong for her daughter, not like this, not so soon.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Danny says softly, and catches the look of gratitude Marie’s mom shoots him, as he pushes himself up and off the bed. “I’d like to talk to, um, to Nate out in the waiting room for a little while.”

“Do you want to take her?” Marie’s mother asks, nodding towards the infant in the little clear plastic rolling crib. “Out in the hall? I’d love to speak with my babygirl for a little bit.”

Danny nods quickly, trying not to look too eager as he moves to pick up the tiny little newborn - she hardly weighs a thing in his arms, as he slides one hand carefully under her head to keep it steady, so it won’t fall back. She doesn’t wake up, only smacks her lips a few times and settles right under his chin as he lays her against his chest.

She feels like she was always meant to be there, right against his heart.

“Grab a b-bottle,” Marie says softly, sipping her coffee. “She’ll want to eat.”

Being a mother doesn’t always mean raising the baby yourself, Danny wants to tell her, picking up one of the tiny little prepackaged bottles of newborn formula the nurses brought in. He wants to say that sometimes being the mother your baby needs is helping her build the family you want her to have, even if you’re not in the center of it. He wants to say, my mother gave me to the state and I found my family in the end, and Mina has her family and you’re still part of it, whatever part you want to play. You’ll survive this, and it’s going to be okay.

He’s not sure how to say it without tearing up himself. He hopes someone told his mother that, when she was so little, and scared, and had to be too strong too soon.

He carries Mina carefully to the door, stopping to kiss Nate before he moves into the hallway, listening to the noisy breathing of the newborn in his arms.

Marie’s mother steps up, gives Danny a slight smile, and closes the door to the room to give she and her daughter some privacy.

“Is she oh-okay?” Nate asks, softly. “M-Marie?” His voice is low, and deep, and Danny wants to wake up to this voice every day for the rest of his life.

“She will be,” Danny says softly. “She will. She likes the name, Nate. She likes the name Mina Nicole.”

As if she understood her name had been spoken, Mina shifts in his arms a little, and her wide dark eyes flutter slowly open and then close again.

“What did you t-t-talk about?” Nate and Danny amble down the hall, Nate reaching out occasionally to touch Mina’s soft soft hair, the back of her swaddling blanket. As if reminding himself that this - that all of this - was really happening, was real.

Danny shrugs a little, smiling down at his daughter.

“Just… that, that... it’s going to be okay.”

[floshortus-a]

Headcanons - Todorokis

My Todorokis will be default following all of the information I type out here. If you have your own interpretation and wanna use that it’s totally fine - just let me know prior to interacting. Otherwise they will be defaulted to this. ( This is also all based on canon stuff and is subject to change based on that as well ). 

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Endeavor did marry Rei with a quirk marriage, with money involved, but was generally very considerate to her. There was no initial abuse or yelling, it was pretty much a very formal polite atmosphere. He provided her with a home, money and everything else she needed while in turn she provided him with children. Quirk marriage is a known thing in the BNHA universe, and it isn’t illegal. Is it sketchy? Yeah, so please understand while he may not have been abusive to her at this point their marriage was not based on love.  But, he did try to make her happy.

He was very attentive to Touya when he was first born, because he could very well be the prodigy he wanted. There was disappointment when his quirk was only fire, but he acknowledged it’s strength and power as well as Touya’s own abilities so he was satisfied for the most part. He did still however want a child with both his and Rei’s quirk so they wouldn’t have the same weakness as he does. Keep in mind, he can literally burn his internal organs with his quirk. While his objective was to have a child to fulfill his ambitions, he did want them to not be hampered by his own weakness. 

He still kept his desire in mind when he and Rei agreed to have more children. He was not abusive at this point, as again Touya was still considered his successor. Fuyumi was simply meant to support him, so when her quirk manifested he was not too disappointed. His focus was still on Touya though, so he didn’t really give Fuyumi a lot of attention. She was simply there to support Touya and that was it, so he was neglectful of her but not every directly or physically abusive. Neglect is still a form of abuse though, so please keep that in mind. 

But, remember how Endeavor didn’t want a child with his weakness? Well, Touya’s weakness was worse then his. Endeavor can overheat, but Touya was physically injuring himself with his quirk. That very thing is what caused him to realize Touya could not fulfill his ambitions.  So, he lost interest in him and moved on to the next child. He stopped focusing on Touya, and completely ignored Natsuo when he was born. This neglect and sudden abandonment is was extremely traumatic to Touya as a child. He wanted Endeavor’s attention, he wanted to be able to do what had been previously expected. He was angry at himself, and his quirk for being shit and at Endeavor for simply giving up on him. Touya still kept trying to train himself, but it physically hurt him and the stress is what caused the white to begin to spread in his hair. 

When Shoto was born and his quirk manifested as exactly what Endeavor wanted, all of his focus was on this child. Hell, even when he was first born Endeavor’s only focus was on Shoto and Shoto alone. He did not care about any of the other three, and completely neglected them and abandoned them to Rei and the nanny. It was even worse when his quirk manifested, because it had now been over a decade since he had tried producing a child to fulfill his ambitions and Shoto likely could be his last chance. So he was extreme  with him and pushed him hard, trying to make sure he would be able to do it. All the while he neglected and ignored his other children. He even, in his frustration became physically abusive towards Rei when she tried to intervene with Shoto. He was also neglectful to Shoto in terms of restraint and continued to push him extremely hard. All the while, he completely ignored his other children.

He was so abusive and awful to Rei and Shoto that he caused her to eventually have a mental breakdown, and she of course splashed scalding hot water on Shoto’s face.  The worse part is, she wasn’t just stressed with Shoto but all of the children really. Of course she came to her senses right away, and tried to help but it was too late. Endeavor had her sent away, and showed absolutely no care about her. His only concern was her potentially ruining his successor’s future ability as a hero. He did not care about her, or how her disappearance might have also affected the other children. 

Fuyumi was devastated of course, but she had always been more passive and didn’t really react beyond crying initially. She couldn’t bring herself to blame anyone, because she so desperately wanted a family and some kind of love. Fuyumi thought that if she got upset, she wouldn’t have anyone. Touya blamed it on Shoto. He still clung to the idea that he could be better then Shoto, and thought about killing him to take his place. Of course, instead of that happening the ‘accident’ happened where he was pronounced dead. This all happened after Rei was hospitalized, and she stopping seeing people for a bit after that. Endeavor still showed no remorse, even if internally he believed Touya couldn’t be dead and that he could find him. Endeavor was unable to express his genuine beliefs for some reason, and continued to be that cruel, brick wall of a man towards Shoto and absolutely neglectful towards the other two. 

This environment continued on throughout the years, where he didn’t care for his other children and pushed Shoto to the extremes to force him to be what he wanted. Obviously, after the shock of suddenly having the number 1 position thrust on him he started doing more self-reflecting. Even more so after the nomu attack. Endeavor is trying to atone for his actions, and trying to put his family in a better place. He does not care if that doesn’t include him, he knows what he did and that he should reap what he sow.  Shoto is still indifferent towards him, he doesn’t want him to die but he has yet to consider forgiving him. Fuyumi is hoping for better, she wants to believe it can be better and that she can finally have a family...so she did forgive him sort of. If anything, she believes in his ability to atone and be better. She is very desperate to have that family life she always saw on T.V. or heard about from her classmates. 

Touya of course, no longer cares for his family. He couldn’t care less if they died. The only people he truly cares about are Natsuo ( to a degree ) and Rei, anybody else is nothing to him. He doesn’t necessarily hate Fuyumi, but he isn’t as close like he is with Natsuo and Rei. But he doesn’t care enough to consider what exposing their family life to the world will do, or what the shock of his real will due to his mentally ill mother. These are all selfish acts, he knows this and is thinking solely for himself. He is putting himself first here, nobody else. But, he also did plan to die once this was all revealed - and preferably to take his Father and Shoto wit him ( see his use of prominence burn ). 

[nostalgic-pancakes]

Room 73- Chapter 5/8

Summary: The plot starts spamming the chat, and plans are made

Pairings: same as usual, but this time with queerplatonic intruality!

Read on AO3

Word count: 3130

Warnings: discussions of therapy and the kind of bullshit that happens to you in the foster system, the concept of loved ones dying becoming very real and mentions of parents that yell a lot (Though never child abuse)

Other notes: Hi! Not too big of a fan of this chapter, but I may as well get it out already, it's killing me. I hope you all like this though, and if you have any questions, leave a comment on ao3/ask me here and i’ll answer gladly!

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“Hi.” whispers Thomas as everyone enters the room. He’s been getting better at talking, getting stronger every day. Nobody knows exactly why, but they’re trying to figure out why now, rather than forever ago.

But that’s not important- it’s the first session of their D&D campaign! Virgil apparently has a lot of plans for this campaign.

Thomas hisses again, after everyone has said their hellos, and Virgil and Janus hiss back. Logan remains confused.

They exchange pleasantries for a little while, Thomas regaling them with stories like Mrs. Applebaum and Mrs. Chase wearing each other’s coats yesterday night and walking away, hand in hand, giggling like teenagers even though they’re old ladies with grandkids off in college. Virgil and Logan proceed to then screech about the new Welcome to Night Vale episode, about Frank Chen, whoever that is and then Patton and Remus quietly announce that they’re in a QPR, and Janus and Logan need some explaining but it’s okay, and then when they finish the setup, everyone’s sitting with their laptops, character sheets loaded up and suddenly… nobody wants to play.

Someone else should be here, playing with them as Virgil (probably) shoves all their characters through the wringer (physically and emotionally) and gives them enough comfort to rest easy but that someone isn’t here, he’s in the corner of the Chemistry room, as far away from the chemical cabinet as possible, resting his voice a bit so that he can start talking again in about half an hour after chatting with them during setup, and they don’t know why, but D&D is not something any of them want to do right now.

“Actually guys, I really don’t want to do this right now. Not without Thomas” says Virgil, looking over to the ghost hanging around in the corner, who smiles at them and motions for them to all continue, even as Virgil starts putting their laptop back in their laptop case, then their bag, and everyone is already doing the same.

“Yeah.”

“Mmhm.”

“Thomas, what do you think made you so strong recently?” asks Logan, zipping up his bag after removing his translation notebook and morse code sheet from his bag. It’s honestly a better use of their time, finding out more about their new ghost friend, and perhaps he could come back for good, at the rate he’s going and that’s exciting too.

“I...don’t know? Maybe… naw, no way.” he responds, speaking but it eventually turning back into garbled hissing.

“Hmm? You can tell us- anything like a clue is better than nothing.” responds Logan, pulling out his pen and laying the sheet in front of him on the cold floor. It’s going to start snowing soon- they really need to stop sitting on the cold stone floor so much.

“Um, the people- the people who killed me” everyone winces, Thomas keeps tapping. “They died, in, the fifties I think. Drug overdose or something along those lines. That’s when I started hissing.” Thomas waits for Logan to finish translating, with additional help from Patton, before continuing. “So…” there’s a pause. “Maybe because everyone I loved back then is getting old? Dying maybe? That might be it.” Thomas doesn’t look very happy about that possibility.

“That doesn’t sound very nice, but that is likely the reason. Have you been noticing any recent changes to yourself?” Logan asks.

“Yes. I can hold conversations a lot longer, and sometimes I’m visible to mirrors. I try not to become too corporeal in class, though.” Thomas replies, clearing his throat- indicating he’s gotten some strength back. It’s only taken a few minutes this time, which is the least it has ever taken. He laughs a little, and it’s clear- he sounds like a kid, maybe around their age, which he is. He’d be a good singer, probably. It feels like Thomas is becoming more alive by the day, and maybe he is.

They go on like this for a little longer, forming hypotheses about Thomas’s condition and how to undo it, laughing some and wincing other times at painful memories and good ones, until Patton and Janus get a text from their foster parents telling them that there’s a fam-ily meeting about to happen, and they need to come home. Patton visibly tenses, and Logan doesn’t really know what to do, but Janus takes his hand, shaking a little himself, and tells them that they’ll be there tomorrow, even though he really doesn’t believe it, as much as he wants to. Thomas knows that feeling.

Either way, on that foreboding note, everyone else makes to leave too. Virgil goes next, saying that they have to speak to their friend Hildi (whoever that is) about something they don’t understand. Virgil doesn’t elaborate, though they don’t look very upset either.

Logan soon after, wrapping up his morse sheets after he and Roman engage with Thomas verbally some more. It looks like it may rain soon, the sky grey-blue outside and the phantoms in the schoolyard running for cover, forms sizzling under rain. In this way, Thomas is lucky he died indoors.

Roman and Remus seem to want to go the least, but the rain looks like it’s getting worse and Roman does need to go eat something- he hasn’t since dinner yesterday and it's not like there are edible snacks in a chemistry room- it’s literally lab rule one. Roman tries to put up something of a half-hearted fight, and Remus rebukes, routine, like they’ve done this before and will do it again. They have, they will. Roman argues like he’s convinced himself, Remus like he’s sad, trying to pull Roman to shore, more gently than his usual bombast. They go eventually, just as a light drizzle begins and the school heating turns off, with even the teachers leaving the premises. It’s cold, and it’s dark and at some point Thomas wouldn’t have minded, knowing that he was the dark and the cold and the static but now...

But now he knows that he is becoming more than that.

There’s a little bit of warmth, like that of a tealight within him, that he hasn’t felt in so long that he feel he has almost (almost) forgotten how to feel it but not yet, not yet and he cradles it close through the dark and the wet and the ever-approaching night.

…

Patton walks into the house full of dread. He knows what’s about to happen, and maybe he could have numbed it over in any other house, but he had let himself want, and this is where it got him.

Gosh, Janus really liked being here too, he’ll be devastated.

Janus, honestly, doesn't look very worried, and Patton worries for him.

They find Remy and Emile on the dining table, their designated coffee mugs full of tea this time- peppermint or chamomile or something, probably promotes calm or whatever. Emile had taught him that. Fuck.

What was he going to tell Remus? Roman? Virgil and Logan? Logan latched onto Janus like a drowning man seeing a life raft, and Janus had clung as hard.

Fuck, what about Thomas?

He’s sitting, all too aware of every little thing happening around him in his dread. He wants to take in all the furniture, where he hid when he had panic attacks and where he saw Janus being comforted after his own. He’s always wanted to reach out, take Emile’s hand or Remy’s shoulder and cry, but he didn’t, squashing the hope before it could go anywhere. Guess he was right then, he thought bitterly.

The chairs are arranged strangely- instead of being forced to face Remy and Emile when they got the news, the chairs were arranged in a row- one two three four with the dining table having their mugs in order of age- Emile, Remy, Patton, Janus.

Emile and Remy were already sitting in their seats, smiling at them patiently expectantly. Stop hoping. It’s over.

Patton gets in his chair first. The thought of drinking his tea, with the perfect amount of milk and sugar makes him sick. He doesn’t pick up the cup. Janus, once again not looking very concerned, takes his mug in one hand, the other still with a death grip around Patton's. It’s probably going to bruise. He doesn’t care.

“Hey there, kiddos! Sorry for the short text- traffic was the worst, today.” starts Remy, and Janus relaxes, smiling a little. Patton doesn’t.

“We really just wanted to ask you two something- though it is a bit personal, and you can say no whenever! All we’re asking you to do is try it first, okay?” Wait. What? The fuck?

“What… Do you want us to try?” asks Patton. It’s the first thing he’s said since they got the text, and he needs to know what is actually fucking happening. Emile’s probably figured him out (and Patton hate hate HATES that he’s let Emile do that, but he also doesn’t)

“Well, Remy and I have been talking, and we think it might be a good idea for both of you to see a therapist.”

A… what?

Therapists are expensive, and (usually) need to have you living in one place for a long time. They’re expensive, so they’re a long-term investment. If therapy’s something Emile is trying to do, then that means that they want him and Janus to stay. For a long time.

He thinks of the papers he sees Emile hiding. It all starts to make sense.

In his defense, Patton doesn’t cry. Until that breakdown with Remus on the phone the other week, he genuinely could not remember the last time he had cried- it’s not easy to get him to. But both Remy and Emile always, always seem to know that something is wrong, even if he doesn’t tell them that something is, and Remys takes his hand, even as he keeps his eyes on the teacup, and Patton’s still feeling a bit weird on drinking it, but it’ll be fine. Janus has already said yes, and has long finished his tea and is texting Logan on the couch, but Patton’s still on the table, and his tea is getting it cold, but he drinks it as it becomes lukewarm, reddish-brown liquid rolling down as one of his hands is held by Remy, and they don’t talk as much as Patton and Emile, but it’s nice to have him around- he gave both he and Janus their latest sewing kits.

Janus probably has figured out that Patton’s been acting weird this whole time, and he’ll have to talk to him, which is going to be one of those Emotionally Taxing Conversations, but apparently, those need to be had.

It almost hurts to hope, and every voice in his head is half screaming not to, but Patton is finding himself hoping anyways, and he opens his phone to text Remus to see if his therapist knows anyone.

…

“Di, what the actual fuck.” At least Hildi has the decency to look a little embarrassed.

“Sorry, sorry!! We were like, ten and I didn’t know that was a thing till maybe last year?”

That ‘thing’ being, Hildi’s particular brand of witch having Virgil basically absorb some of her magic… whatever like osmosis. Which is why they can calm people down through contact. Why can’t they calm themselves down through contact? That would be fucking nice.

“Uh… the thing is, it only works with women? Or basically, not men. Are you like… okay with that?” asks Hildi, taking their hand and rubbing in circular motions , which she knows calms them down. Well, it’s working.

Virgil thinks.

“Yeah I think so. My gender is still, you know, a bit fuzzy as a concept. For me it’s mostly a presentation thing. Besides men suck- you magic has a point.”

"Our magic."

Hildi laughs, putting her hand to her mouth as she shifts both their positions on the tree branch, thick and low, that they’re sitting in, able to watch the passersby, but too camouflaged by foliage to be seen. Logan used to be with them more often, back in middle school, hiding from stupid kids who kept trying to break his nose. (they didn’t succeed, but they nearly broke his heart)

But, now is not the time. There are more important things to do. Like figure out what to do with this… magic? And maybe see if it can help Thomas come back.

Virgil wonders what Logan and Roman are doing- Logan’s going to have a fucking field day.

…

“Mom?”

“Yes, Lolo?” replies his mother, tying her red hair behind her as she starts weeding their vegetable patch. It’s her little pet project, and it already looks really good.

“You wanted to tell us something this morning, right?” Mom had sat them down about ten minutes before he and Virgil had left for school, telling them that someone was coming over, and that they’d both get more details later. Well, Virgil was at Hildi’s, for whatever reason, so it was just Logan, probably.

“Well,” starts Mom, whacking her hands on her apron and getting herself a glass of water. “Grampa Ev-Your great-grandfather Everett is going to be coming over for a while.” Okay. Logan doesn’t know Great-Gramps Everett, because Mom doesn’t usually talk about her family. It’s nothing bad, but they’re all fairly distant people. But, from what he knows, Great-Gramps is a pretty decent person, and pretty much wholeheartedly supported both Mom getting married to Amma and Logan and Virgil coming out, which nobody had really expected.

“Okay.” says Logan, not sure about what else to answer with.”

“Logan, you see, there’s one caveat. Gramps is really, really old, and he’s going to be gone soon.” Okay. “So here’s staying here for a week or so to say goodbye. He’s been pretty sick for a while, and he doesn’t seem to be getting better.” Okay. That happens sometimes- Logan isn’t spectacularly sad, but his Mom’s going to be pretty torn up.

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry. It’ll… be okay?” Logan tries for some kind of reassurance, but it comes out as confused as he is with this scenario. Mom laughs, a bit wetly, as she takes his cheeks into her hands and looks him in the eye, or as much as she can with how teary her eyes are.

‘Oh, Logie-Bear” (Logan internally rolls his eyes at the nickname) “Don’t worry about me, it’ll be okay, alright? Grampa misses you, so he really wants to see us, now that he’s visited everyone else. I’ll be okay. Don’t you worry, now.” Mom finishes, picking him up even as he squacks light-heartedly, and he remembers the last time Mom cried and he’s so glad that they’ve all gotten better than they were from that day.

“Okay, I won’t worry. Amma and Virgil do plenty of that for everyone.” says Logan, trying for a somewhat lighthearted tone that Virgil sometimes uses with Roman to joke about issues. It’s not great, but it’s better than they were a year ago, keeping it all in.

Mom does laugh, however, still a bit wet, but happy either way. She puts him down on the couch as the next movie in their queue plays, UP or something along those lines.

“You know, Gramps had told me something once.” Logan turns to Mom a little, displaying interest.

“Back when he lived here- the twennies and thirties,” begins Mom, her accent coming in a little. It’s nice. “He had a boyfriend. O’ course, this town was hate crime central back then, but they were happy. Some rowdier kids at school killed his boyfriend, and he was the first to see the body. That's why he hasn’t been here since.” That’s… heavy, and it brings up some unfortunate parallels to Thomas- gay in the twenties, killed.

But that has to be a coincidence, right?

“What was… what was the boyfriend’s name?” asks Logan.

"Hmm?" Mom hums, talking her index along her chin. "Tommy or something. Could've been a nickname for Thomas." Oh, wow. what a coincidence. This also basically confirms Thomas's theory, and as upsetting as that is, Logan's going to think about it later, with his brother, thanks.

Thinking of which…

Logan gets up, suddenly enough to make Mom look up at him questioningly.

"Logan?"

"Sorry, mom- I just need to inform Virgil and the others about something." Seeing the (probably?) concern on her face, he adds on; "nothing bad, there is no need to worry- besides, Virgil would tell on me immediately."

Mom laughs a little. "That he would, baby. Go on- just remember to be back for dinner." She goes to the kitchen to get herself some food, before going back to the movie. Logan takes that as his due to exit, taking with him his carry-bag, which has a stim toy, his phone and charger, and earbuds. These days, it also contains the Thomas Book, and his Morse translation sheets, though he hasn't needed them for a while. He fills his water bottle, taken from his school bag and puts that in too, before leaving the house and going to Roman's, mainly because it's the closest and carrying umbrellas in this weather is a chore with all this wind and rain.

…

Roman's just managed to stomach something, that being pot noodles because mom and dad are not home at the moment, and is currently lounging around the living room, glad to be sitting there without the constant backdrop of yelling. With all this rain, he really was not expecting anyone to interrupt his rereading of Othello (for like, the fifth time, but Roman doesn't give a shit) , and especially not Logan, of all characters.

But there he is, gripping the bottom of his umbrella, and who is Roman to say no? Remus is at therapy with Patton, cheering him on, and mom and dad will not be here to yell. Besides, Logan looks really, really excited, nearly manic, and that's a fairly uncommon look on him.

"Roman, you are not going to fucking believe this."

.

They have a plan, now. It’s rough, and it’s not the best thought-out thing in the world, but it is a plan.

Firstly, tell Thomas the first thing on Monday about exactly what is happening. Secondly, tell Everett about what is happening, hopefully with photographic evidence and get him to Thomas. Both these steps are doable, as Thomas is notably more corporeal than he was a few months ago, and that can probably be attributed to the fact that all of the other people he cares about have passed away. This may be the final push, but god damn it is Thomas not coming back to life without meeting his boyfriend at least once.

This can work. probably.